A while ago a poster in our forums started a thread about “Wise Women.” She provided a web page example posted on a religious outreach site that offered marriage counseling and advice. I was struck by the plenitude of wisdom on that web page and thought a Humbled Females version of such basic truths would be useful. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this site’s key principle, humbleness, is very much akin to what that web page was calling wisdom.
It’s very interesting how these two terms are so often synonymous, not just for women wanting to serve men but for anyone who seeks to improve themselves or who seeks something greater than themselves. Humility or humbleness goes hand-in-hand with traits such as a willingness to learn—particularly from one’s mistakes, open-mindedness, understanding, being alert to one’s surroundings and the people in them, and being self-critical in order to become self-knowing. All of these are traits traditionally associated with wisdom. The converse is also true: with egotism, narcissism, vanity, and overweening self-regard so often comes perceptual blindness, stupidity, vulnerability to flattery, and ignorance of what is actually going on around oneself or, even worse, inside oneself.
This article samples a few of the core passages from the religious website’s page that struck me as particularly relevant to those who visit Humbled Females and then expands upon them a bit. Before beginning, it may be important to reiterate that Humbled Females is secular and does not endorse any particular religion, but should we find valuable information in a religious source we won’t hesitate to use it. There are, however, some significant differences between that website’s approach and the approach taken here and I’d like to lay these out at the beginning before displaying its treasures.
First, the website referred to believes that a woman obeying a man is a mandate from a deity. At Humbled Females, we believe more that this is the natural way women and men have lived together and successfully cooperated with each other for hundreds of thousands of years. Thus, we feel natural and at home when we relate to the opposite sex in these ways.
A humbled female doesn’t take anything for granted. Think about this for a second. It’s very easy to pass over this one, to read it, nod in half-asleep agreement or even assert to oneself, “I never take anything for granted in my relationship. It’s a basic tenet that I don’t, after all.” I was tempted to do that, too, but rather than passing it over, I decided to reflect upon it a little deeper.
One other important principle distinguishes the Humbled Females approach from that of the other site. We automatically assume that men and women coming to Humbled Females are intensely interested in male-led relationships and that the women who spend time here are at least partially humbled. We assume such women have done the hard work on themselves that is necessary to approach a man or a male-led relationship with the appropriate spirit: well aware of personal faults, self-effacing, quiet, narcissism and self-obsession in check, interested in a man’s life, mind and world far more than their own lives, minds, and worlds. The religious site, on the other hand, works with confused and unhappy couples, people conditioned to blindly accept egalitarian marriages in which a humbled attitude in a woman was not ever fostered or encouraged. From the things the site authors let slip between the lines, many of these relationships are a mess, with the common modern feminism myths deeply entrenched and the female rankly disobedient, hostile toward, and scornful of her male, despite her religious beliefs which encourage an opposite attitude. Humbled Females is not geared toward individuals with such unenlightened attitudes nor do we believe such marriages can necessarily be saved. If the humble spirit isn’t already there in the woman’s heart and if the need for that spirit is not already understood by her, our view is that very little—if any—progress can be made.
A humbled female doesn’t take anything for granted.
Think about this for a second. It’s very easy to pass over this one, to read it, nod in half-asleep agreement or even assert to oneself, “I never take anything for granted in my relationship. It’s a basic tenet that I don’t, after all.” I was tempted to do that, too, but rather than passing it over, I decided to reflect upon it a little deeper. The statement can be read in a couple of ways. For those humbled females who are not living as slaves, the statement is a gentle reminder of something that is easy to forget: that all the good in our lives, our homes that keep us safe and warm, our children, our lovely clothes and makeup, our hobbies and passions that we pursue, our careers, our leisure time, our relationships with friends and family, and, most of all, our core happiness and contentment over it all comes from being second-in-command to the captain who runs our domestic ship and makes everything work out right. Without that basic relationship in place, we’d be unhappy and restless and this would significantly color our appreciation for other experiences, even good experiences. When a woman who needs to be commanded, directed, or led to a particular degree isn’t, nothing feels right, even if her life is seemingly free of strife. When she is, everything feels right at the core of things and she is able to face life’s difficulties much easier.
Perhaps some of us work and bring in money that buys the physical things. But would those things mean anything to us if there wasn’t a male ruling over us and, through his wise decisions (that don’t always go our way), taking care of the benefit and well-being of all members of the household? It’s quite easy when a humbled female is in a good and satisfying situation to forget that this good comes from somewhere—from someone, more specifically—and that if he were to suddenly disappear from life, her world would be ashes. When a female starts to take her good fortune, and particularly, her man, for granted, she frequently opens the door to discontent, restlessness, greed for more. When that happens she starts to feel that she deserves more rights, more lovely possessions, more leisure time, even more say in the decision-making process. Or perhaps her eye starts to wander and she begins to imagine how happy she’d be with a different sort of man. A humbled female can start to ruin her own happiness and that of those around her by forgetting that this happiness is largely based on one thing: pleasing and being subservient to the male in her life. She forgets how thankful she should be for that man because she has started to take him for granted.
It can be interesting to ask oneself, “Do I really take nothing for granted?” What would your answer be? Going into specifics can be even more interesting: “Don’t I expect to always have a warm bed or other place to sleep at night if I am in my home?” “Don’t I expect a certain amount of sleep most nights?” “Don’t I take for granted that I won’t be forced to go out in chilly zero-degree weather without clothes or in skimpy summer clothes?” “Don’t I assume the man who controls me won’t humiliate me in front of those who shouldn’t know about our relationship?” “Don’t I take my daily meals, my morning routine, my weekly TV series that I must watch, perhaps a daily shower, regular time on the Internet or something similar to these things for granted?” “Even if I intellectually understand that nothing stays the same, don’t I emotionally assume all of this will always be there?”
For those of us in more rigid relationships these are particularly relevant questions to ask as we have little or no right to assume anything in our lives is a given or that it is always going to be there. But we seem as likely as our freer sisters to unconsciously make such assumptions. Just this morning, for example, my Master eliminated my morning breakfast/supplement-taking ritual. I was required to do chores, work out in the gym, and start this article without the energy-boosting substances of breakfast. It was quite hard. I was not only disappointed and hungry but became momentarily convinced that I could not think without a cup of coffee in me! As you can see from the above text, I was able to think despite a growling tummy and feeling like my brain wasn’t running on all cylinders. I had simply taken my morning routine for granted. It’s impossible to be ever-vigilant, to watch out for creeping complacency at all times. But I think most women can give themselves regular reminders so that they don’t cozily take all they have as a given, as something that will always be there. Some of us are lucky enough to have men who will remind us, like my Master did this morning, of what we take for granted. But this is largely a job that a humbled female has to do in her own head. It pays great dividends to do so, as one’s happiness and contentment increase as a result, and the common forms of discontent and ungratefulness are less likely to take root in one’s mind.
It’s worth mentioning that this job is never complete. No matter how much we may see the need intellectually to never take anything for granted, it’s still going to happen, particularly if our men treat us kindly and decently. I’ve personally never gotten rid of this tendency, and I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you can permanently eradicate. But it is the sort of thing one can keep a close eye out for and when a humbled female catches herself in the act of taking something for granted or, in the case of a slave, desiring or demanding more than is her due, she can often stop the thoughts or behavior.
A humbled female understands that her dominant man’s need to be honored is not based on his performance but on his position.
It is a good thing to be drawn to a man initially because of his greatness, because of certain qualities or ways of behaving and communicating that we intensely admire in him. But once a humbled female has agreed to be his and his alone, and particularly once she starts to live intimately with him and he relaxes around her and shows her his many sides, it is essential that she not set herself up as his judge and base her opinions of him on whether he is acting like “SuperMale” or not at any given second of the day. The truth is that he is SuperMale all the time because he now commands her, not because he has to keep proving himself to her over and over again. She may have initially agreed to serve him because of the greatness and breadth of his ideas, the largeness of his spirit, his keen intelligence, his powerful presence, broad experience, compelling charisma, or other qualities that really impressed her. She desired him to favor her with his attention, she desired to be one he picked to serve and follow him. Once that sacred pact is entered into, it is essential for a humbled female not to lose her perception of the man’s godlike relation to herself. What he does after she becomes his is his business and his only, not hers to critique or change. (There is one exception to this. Opinions vary, but it is my belief that a humbled female need not remain loyal to a male who no longer dominates her because the core reason she started the relationship with him has been removed, or, to put it another way, the sacred pact has been broken.)
A humbled female isn’t one of those shallow “conditional” submissives, the type who only submits to a man who keeps impressing and entertaining her day after day, who never lets his hair (or his guard) down, who is always perfectly dressed, well-spoken, and acting like the romantic lead character in a cheesy BDSM romance novel, no matter how bad of a day he is actually having. She doesn’t stop submitting because he firmly tells her “no” over something, even if it’s something she really wants. The women who do this are submitting to a fantasy, not to a real human being. They prefer the pleasant perfect illusion over the reality because they are, at core, still egotistical, childish dreamers who are incapable of submitting fully to a real human being. They may imagine themselves so great or so wonderful that no man they submit to will ever be less than perfect. Once a man starts to reveal his grounded reality, his humanity, they disappointedly go in chase of the next romantic masterly phantom.
A humbled female avoids judging the man she serves because she is well aware of her tendency to confuse her fantasies and illusions about what the perfect dominant male is with reality. She understands the role that silly romance novels in all their thin guises (BDSM, vampire, demonic, magical) have had in influencing her ideas about how the perfect male looks or acts. As the religious website said in one article, the romance novels women read tend to paint the ideal man as both hyper-masculine and hyper-sensitive at the same time—in addition to his superhuman powers, dark mysterious good looks, and fabulous wealth, of course. It should not need to be said here that no real man is like the characters in those novels. But most submissive women still harbor secret fantasies that such men exist, and sometimes they even believe they have found him, due to the way they misinterpret how he presents himself: they see only what they want to see, not what is actually there.
Imagine how a woman who believes in the hyper-masculine-yet-hyper-sensitive-to-her-needs myth feels when she is rambling on and on self-centeredly, as women are wont to do, about her issues, her problems, her activities, her needs, her desires… and then he suddenly tells her, out of the blue, to shut her mouth. There flies the hyper-sensitive part of her fantasy about him out the window. But real dominant men, although they may occasionally have some interest in a feminine narcissistic spiel (particularly if it is entertaining) or find a specific line of talk interesting because of what it tells them about how her mind works, are rarely interested in listening to frequent, long, self-obsessed soliloquys from a woman—whether spoken or written. A dominant man wants a woman to say things of relevance, things that interest him, and say them concisely. Talking about oneself has its place, but it is a much smaller place than most women are comfortable with. Thus, when some putatively submissive women are told to shut up they immediately start to judge the male as inferiorly dominant, simply because he will not pander to their rampant narcissism and self-absorption. That judgment actually means the opposite of what they imagine is true: it means they are facing a superior male specimen, a commanding man who knows exactly what he wants, and they are too weak (too self-indulgent and/or too self-impressed) to deal with him on his terms and serve him in the ways he wishes. Far too many women who claim to want a “master” in reality only want a rapt and adoring audience for their narcissistic displays.
It is critical that by the time she gets around to serving a man, a woman claiming to be humbled understands that she is no longer the judge of that man. The time for weighing and balancing comes before she submits fully to him. It’s now time for her to live up to her sacred commitment to serve and obey him. This means, in part, realizing that her acceptance of him as her ruler was not conditional and based on whether he puts on whatever performance she wants to see on a day-to-day basis but rather based on her decision that, overall, he was very well-suited to ruling her. After that decision and commitment has been made, it would seem to follow that her honor, respect, loyalty, and obedience would be based on the firm belief that, come good or bad, heaven or hell, he is now her ruler in all things and must be obeyed because that is his role in her life, a role she claimed she desperately needed a man to fill. It should not be based on whether he “talks the talk” that gives her the little tinglies between her legs, whether he makes her feel arrogantly proud that she has the most alpha male in the pack, whether he obediently plays out whatever role she approves of or feels most comfortable with, or any other self-centered, selfish desire. She obeys because he is now her lord and ruler, ideally for the remainder of her life. Before she became his, performance had to take precedence over position in order that she could choose wisely to serve a compatible man who could control her to the extent that she needed to be controlled. But once she’s given herself to him or allowed herself to be taken by him, then position—namely his position over her as her ruler, director, or controller—now takes precedence over anything specific he says or does. If it comes from him, then, ideally, no matter what it is, she views it as a sacred law that must be obeyed.
A humbled female never expects anyone to serve her; therefore she is never disappointed.
A typical “kinky” woman, particularly one who has been exposed to the confusing BDSM fetish scene, takes for granted that the man in her life, no matter how much she claims to believe in male supremacy or how extremely she is controlled, will always “be there for her.” This vague phrase, “being there,” means different things to different women, but central to all descriptions is the core assumption of male service to the female: his listening to her whenever she wants to speak, his taking her “needs” (even if they aren’t needs) into account at all times, his “providing” for her, his patiently giving her his time, resources, and attention no matter what sort of negative drama-queen acts she pulls. Even the best of women will sometimes assume that a man will automatically center his life and plans around her and what “works for her,” never step on her proclaimed weak areas, and always listen to her ideas and suggestions, ideally putting them into practice.
It’s hard to be a woman these days in our culture and not assume that, no matter how controlled or owned you are, your owner won’t also be giving you stuff and giving up stuff he might want for your sake. There’s something in women that makes them seekers of and collectors of resources. We tend to regard ourselves as extremely important and non-expendable: valuable objects that must be cared for, maintained, and preserved. This largely unconscious assumption could come from a woman’s role as a breeder. Human females may have inside them some sort of genetic self-protection algorithm that urges them on to get what they think they need from others, and particularly from a protective male, so that when they give birth to and raise children, there is a better chance they will all survive. Unfortunately, women these days carry that algorithm, if that is what it is, to an absurd level of narcissism and selfish “me-first” thinking. Everything in our current culture screams that the woman is far, far more important than the more-expendable man and men are lauded and praised for their selflessness and sacrifices to women.
To a truly humbled female, all that glorification of the female seems shockingly backward and utterly repulsive. She doesn’t want to make herself the center of the relationship around which a man revolves but rather have him be the glorious sun around which she revolves. And yet it is awfully hard at times, even for such women, to fight pernicious feminist conditioning that seems to be supporting this possibly genetically-based attitude that feels so “right” to us: the idea that we deserve special or better resources, attention, and treatment than a male. The types of special favors humbled females expect tend to be different (and also more hidden or subtle) than those of other women, but the common ground is that we still expect them. Part of a strong man’s role is to disillusion his female of these expectations, but she needs to be on board with that, not fighting him or feeling denied or deprived if she isn’t treated as a precious treasure that must be oh-so-carefully preserved. She needs first to understand how ugly and self-centered such an attitude is. Then she must be willing to find what forms this attitude takes in her own mind and behavior. Finally, ideally with the help of the man she serves, she can destroy these false and subversive expectations. By not ever expecting anyone to serve her in any way and, instead, by focusing on helping and serving others, a humbled female applies a very useful mental tool, a tool that can keep her sane, with her feet realistically planted on earth. With her vanity and self-regard on a tight leash, she can remain committed to her aspirations of real and useful service to a man.
That isn’t to say a woman shouldn’t speak out if she genuinely needs something or if it would help her. But what if you’re refused? Are you prepared to graciously accept “no” for an answer if that is what he tells you, even if you think you absolutely must have whatever it is you requested? Can you do so without harboring negative thoughts against him? Such negative thoughts represent pride and ego speaking: “I deserve this! Why doesn’t he give it to me? He’s so perverse, evil, uncaring, stupid! He doesn’t understand how I feel.” If a woman genuinely realizes that she is there to serve others, particularly her man, she does not chafe when denied something, even something she thinks she absolutely needs. She trusts her man’s decision to deny her things when or if he wishes, and quietly accepts his will, just as any adult who has made a mature commitment to follow orders would. When a woman is a true giver and fully focused on giving, then what she receives or does not receive stops mattering so much to her. It’s just par for the course: she knows that all of life has its ups and its downs and a relationship of service is no different. A humbled female acknowledges and honors her man’s every decision, even if it momentarily disappoints her, and moves on, letting the chips fall where they will. And quite often she will find that such chips were imaginary to begin with.