January 13, 2015

Nowhere Men: Thieves of Time (and How to Avoid Them)

By Marc Esadrian

beware-nowhere-men-fake-masters

Artwork ©Richard Hambleton

“—No! this face is only a mask,
A wicked ornament,
Illuminated by an exquisite grimace.
Look and see, atrociously contorted,
The real head, and the sincere face
Turned back under the shadow
Of the face which lies.”

—Charles Baudelaire

When the Internet started gaining critical mass in 1998, a new era had dawned upon human beings: for the first time in history, scores of people could link anonymously to each other through shared interests online and it was not long before the notion of finding mates through this portal was explored by the most daring of pioneers. At first, the idea of finding a significant other through a computer network was dismissed as the province of techies and cloistered social dysfunctionals. Fast-forwarding another decade would prove that stigma to be entirely removed. Within the span of a handful of years, Internet dating had not only shuffled off its disreputable image, but became the norm.

Today, people have access to a vast pool of potential suitors they would otherwise never have been able to reach with slow and short-ranged traditional methods. In the digital sphere, powerful search tools augment the predictive match of strangers online across a wide collection of matchmaking sites. The “science” of this matchmaking may not be all that provable, and, currently, the success rate is under pretty strong contention. One study claims that marriages resulting from online first-encounters are more successful than marriages that began in traditional offline venues.1 Yet another goes on to completely contradict that finding and determines that break-ups happen more frequently with online dating.2

Whatever the true success story of online courting turns out to be, the fact that that the Internet is widely used to find significant others is irrefutable in that it is so deeply embedded in our tech-laden culture. This is not to say that finding romantic interests online is easy, by any stretch of the imagination. The effort usually takes a tremendous amount of time and patience (if not money) while sifting through inactive member profiles and incompatible matches. Worst of all are the shady hoaxes and online romance scams one may encounter on slick matchmaking sites. To put that problem in a little more perspective, a British Study in 2012 estimated that 230,000 people were successfully duped by Internet predators feigning love interest, and the crimes, involving money in some shape or form, cost England nearly $60 billion a year.3 In America, digital romance scams have become so widespread that the FBI released a cautionary press report on the matter.4

Behind the safe comfort of a keyboard, a willing predator is endowed with the power to lie about anything, really. With the right combination of intensity and intelligence, a scammer can be fairly convincing to someone who might not be so inclined to double-check the facts.

While known challenges arise in the common arena of dating and mating online, the path for the woman with wants toward submission is even more daunting, for not only must she find a man that attracts her eye to begin with, but one who is compatible with her arguably “esoteric” interests. Most importantly, he must be authentic in that compatibility. I make a distinction between compatibility and authenticity, for in the world of online romance the two are not always together in the same person. One having studied well the psychology of his mark can easily exude the qualities necessary to seduce her in a faceless digital world. Behind the safe comfort of a keyboard, a willing predator is endowed with the power to lie about anything, really. With the right combination of intensity and intelligence, a scammer can be fairly convincing to someone who might not be so inclined to double-check the facts.

For many scammers dealing with ordinary women on ordinary dating sites, the motive to deceive is typically monetary. I might dare to say that most with a pinch of common sense can avoid falling victim to money scams predicated upon illusions of budding online relationships. The problem with the charlatan dominant male, however, is not so straightforward. What these men want is not money, but license to play in the voluminous sandbox that is your mind. Their pet objectives are psychological and the payoffs they receive from their deceptive craft are often unfathomable to an innocent person who takes things at face value.

So what causes men to lie about their interests in this way of life? To begin with, lying in and of itself isn’t particularly unusual in humans. Many animals engage in deceptive behavior, but only humans are predisposed to deceive both themselves and others, due primarily to that part of the mind called “self-esteem.” Put plainly, we often lie so that we look good to ourselves and to others.5 This creates double trouble with the matter of human honesty: the desire to look good to others and ourselves often initiates a little bit of truth bending from both directions and lays fertile groundwork for fibbing—even fibbing that is unconscious. This phenomenon is encouraged to excess in the anonymous realm of online relationships, where falsity is even more unbridled in the absence of face-to-face interaction. The online world is the playground and refuge of this absence, offering shelter from the stark and disappointing realities some tend to be living. A man trapped in a dead-end and gridlocked marriage, for instance, might have a very good reason to live vicariously online and thus escape the drabness of his “real life” while his “online life” becomes more and more psychologically rewarding. In order to escape, however, the escapee requires a canvas upon which he will paint his fantasies. The woman, unaware of the deceptive nature of the psychic parasite she has attracted, unwittingly becomes a host of his escapism. The ruse is a crutch and the impostor instigating it seldom has intent to bridge the world of fantasy to the world of the real, but his victim will often remain unaware of this for some time. To some extent, he might be unaware of how deceptive he’s being to himself.

But gross escapism may not be the only underlying culprit in the charlatan a woman may “meet” online. There is always the darker matter of willful, unadulterated sadism to consider, too, especially in circles that commonly attract such psychologies. The havoc a mental sadist can wreak upon the mind of his victim is vastly entertaining in and of itself—to him, at least. In this sense, online victimizing becomes somewhat of a virtual hobby for the fiendish and unscrupulous who actually get off on seeing their victims suffer and endure unendingly for the never-ending false intimacies they weave.

Beyond escaping a miserable marriage through fantasy play acting or entertaining sadistic tastes, some men may only be curious in the act of dominance from afar, for they know they don’t have the mettle to dominate and lead another human being in the real world past the “hot sex talk,” nor do they have any substantive interest in doing so. To them, online D/s relationships constitute little more than a game of role play, but taking it all to the “real world” would put them in way over their heads. Some may, after having created these intimacies online, not know how to terminate them, and so avoiding conflict perpetuates the lie all the more. Further still, secrecy may come from other personal foibles and nondisclosures that would be difficult to come clean with in the world of flesh and bone. Initial lies about true age, physical appearance, or the stigma of an extreme criminal past may keep an Internet predator—and subsequently his prey—stuck in online limbo.

 

Real-life Accounts of Being Had Online

Talia’s Story

I was very new to dominance and submission at the time, having left a long-term vanilla marriage and just then allowing myself to explore submissive yearnings for the first time. I wanted a real-life D/s relationship that would be heart-felt…a deep connection, something I didn’t have in my marriage. I put up a profile on Lavalife (mostly a vanilla dating site), explaining as best as I could what I was looking for, and was shortly after contacted by a man who called himself Zachary.

He said that he was an “experienced Dominant” who just ended a relationship of a few years and was looking for something real, too. I didn’t understand myself very well at the time and he always seemed one step ahead of me, seemingly knowing what I was yearning for even better than I did. He wanted to know all about my fantasies, my past history—he was doing his best to get into my head. At some point I asked why he can’t give me more information about himself and he said it was because he was in a sensitive profession…a child psychologist, and that he occasionally testified in court. He needed to trust me before he could divulge any more information than he had given me already. It kind of made sense, but who was going to trust who first?

Eventually, I told him I couldn’t continue with this, and even told him I was back with my old boyfriend. He said he understood, and would be there for me if I ever wanted to talk. I should have left it there, but the situation with my old boyfriend was rocky to say the least, and Zachary seemed so understanding. I felt his pull, and damn it, I got sucked in again.

What I was willing to give is real. It was all directed at the wrong person, granted, but I’m the real thing, even if he’s not.

I was suspicious of Zachary (and everyone I knew told me he had “married” written all over him), but I wanted to believe, for I so badly needed the domination. I told him that this time I wasn’t going to change my mind, that I was his if he still wanted me. He agreed to give it another try, but that I would have to prove my trustworthiness to him. For three months, our only contact was to be online. I was to have no contact with my past boyfriend. I was to write to him every night with the details of everything I had done that day. I was to read a story from Literotica.com and give him my reaction to it. I was to ask for permission to do anything “unusual” (like going out with friends), and I was to take naked pictures of myself and send them to him (in the exact poses he wanted). If I was successful in all that, then he would allow me into his life in a real way. I agreed to those terms.

The 3 month waiting period became six months and then nine months because I apparently didn’t do things well enough (he used guilt a lot). I can’t remember the details of how I failed to please him, but one time I hadn’t properly asked if I could visit my dad (who lives out of the country). It eventually dawned on me that he was just buying time…he had no intention of having our relationship become real-life. But even though I couldn’t trust him (the two remaining functioning brain cells I had told me that my friends were right and he was married), I couldn’t leave the relationship, either. I was in a mental hell. He “released” me after some nine months, telling me that he had decided to “travel the world in search of himself.” This was a blatant lie because I put up another profile on Lavalife and he contacted me, wanting the same sort of thing. I realized then, finally, that he was a serial online player.

I knew that people sometimes lie and cheat big-time in order to get what they want. But I knew this only intellectually. I had lived a sheltered life and had little experience with such things. It left me shaken and jaded over the BDSM world. I was ready to give it all up, having come to the conclusion that BDSM was filled with only liars, cheats, and players. I’m still not as trusting as I used to be and I hate being this way, but once you’ve tasted the bitter fruit of deception, it stays with you.

I’ve tried to find something positive in the experience, so that it’s not a total disaster. I did learn more about myself as a submissive. My cravings and feelings are real. What I was willing to give is real. It was all directed at the wrong person, granted, but I’m the real thing, even if he’s not. I knew, more than ever, that I had to live life as a slave to a good and authentic man.

The only piece of advice I could give other women would be to stay away from men who are always secretive about their lives. You have to know (and be able to verify) that they are who they say they are, eventually. Don’t feel that you’re being a bad submissive for insisting that they give you information about themselves. Don’t let them guilt you into keeping quiet about that for months on end. If you’re going to be in an intimate relationship, you have to know who it is you’re relating to…otherwise you’re just relating to someone you’re imagining, and what you have, in the end, is an imaginary relationship.

Nina’s Story

Several years ago I met a man on a BDSM personals board who seemed clearly dominant. It had been almost four years since my husband (who was also my master) had died. I was still in bad shape emotionally but something had finally changed. I felt ready to look for someone, finally. Michael answered my questions clearly and thoroughly. He liked my attitude and my interests. He was 16 years my junior and because of that I did test him a little with my questions, but his answers passed with flying colors. Very early in the exchange he asked me a series of very practical questions: what I did for a living, if I could find work elsewhere or do the same job from another part of the country, how long my lease was for and could I break it, that sort of thing. That felt very natural and promising to me: while we barely knew each other, it seemed both of us recognized who the other was and how hard it was to find others who were equally compatible.

He moved us to chat after a few email exchanges. And there it remained…for over two years. He established a few standard rules for me at the start which I obeyed. They were good ones: rules that establish control fast. Sleep times, small rituals, and orgasm control combined with an order to continue to arouse myself so I was constantly aroused, hungry, and needy. During the first few months we did share thoughts and engage in question-and-answer sessions. We even spoke on voice chat a little, but we never moved to phone calls in real life. He said he hated phone calls. He had a web cam at that time and a couple of times displayed himself to me and chatted with me during those times. I liked everything he did, but it tapered off. He also grew tired of meeting me on Second Life, a virtual world we interacted in. He introduced me to World of Warcraft, a huge multiplayer game that is also like a virtual world. We played a lot together, for many months but then he grew bored of that. I felt lonely when he left there. I could still talk to him in chat, but we did not talk in depth.

But you know, actions speak louder than words. He gave every sign that he just wasn’t that into me (except telling me that to my face) and I refused to see it. I preferred the romantic fantasy over seeing clearly what was actually happening.

The first winter I knew him he developed a terrible cold and his apartment lost power for a few days. He was out of touch with me for a couple of weeks. But he didn’t tell me—he just disappeared three months into the relationship. I thought he’d deserted me and just didn’t have the courage to say goodbye. He suddenly came back and assured me that was not the case. During a number of times over the two years I was in contact with Michael he’d tell me that he planned to meet me in a certain number of months or during a particular season, but it never happened. There was always an excuse: moving, changing jobs, getting a roommate, etc.

Each of the times these sorts of excuses came up I’d be deeply disappointed, talk to him about it, take a deep breath, and get over it. But October of the second year was the worst incident: the straw that began the drawn out break of the camel’s back. I misunderstood something. He told me he was going to come see me soon but that he would not tell me when because he wanted it to be a surprise. I thought he meant real life. It turned out that he meant on Second Life. When I found out there would be no visit then and probably not until  after the winter holidays, I was crushed. I wrote him an angst-ridden email. I thought about trying to break away from him, but I realized I could not. We talked about it, a little (communication with him was different than what I was used to—not a lot of words but meanings got conveyed—or so I thought). I now see I supplied the meaning that was never there and I felt “better,” although he was decidedly colder toward me after that. At that point, in mid-October, I felt as though I needed an outside opinion. I did not believe him anymore when he said the real-life visit would be in “a few months.” He’d said that so many times before.

I cast about for help and answers. I think I knew what the answer was deep inside but it was very hard to accept. If I wanted to remain loyal to this man, I suppose I should not have read Marc Esadrian’s writings on slavery. I see that in hindsight now. Reading him was the beginning of the end of this confusing, half-light/half-dark online affair. I saw in what he said more clearly than I’d ever seen in anybody else: my destiny. I also felt that a little when I met my former husband, like I had been wandering around lost in a wilderness, and suddenly broken through some bushes to discover a clear path. My unconscious sent me a huge “you’re much warmer” message when I read those writings. It made me feel like a very bad slave to think or feel these things when I “served” Michael. It felt so disloyal! But what I read made me realize how little Michael actually controlled me, how generally passive he was, how uninvolved and removed he remained from me. While Michael claimed to have had some tough times in the past with some freaky women, I was surprised that (a) he couldn’t see that I wasn’t some freaky obsessive, (b) he couldn’t see that he could have controlled me even if I had been obsessive, and (c) he would not get to know me enough through talking or just chatting online to realize I was no danger to him and only meant him the best.

On the positive side, I think he felt affection for me. He cared about my health and questioned me when I had issues. He made sure I got enough sleep at night, and ate right. But underneath all of these positive things was an increasing loneliness and anxiety about meeting him that was never addressed because he preferred not to communicate with me to any great degree. What I remember most about this experience was my willingness to make excuses for Michael, to assume his inability to meet me in over two years was due to some wisdom on his part or due to the constant misfortunes and life changes that always seemed to be happening to him. I also kept trying to ignore the fact that I was getting more and more miserable, lonely, anxious, and fearful, despite the deeply calming effects of chatting with him. When I asked him about this he told me not to worry, that he had every intention of meeting me. But you know, actions speak louder than words. He gave every sign that he just wasn’t that into me (except telling me that to my face) and I refused to see it. I preferred the romantic fantasy over seeing clearly what was actually happening.

Although I felt “owned” by Michael, there was never any formal verbal agreement, as in “you’re mine and that’s it.” There was never much verbal clarity about anything: where were we going, how was he going to enslave me, and what I needed to do to get to the next level. His style was laid back, passive, and reactive. I’ll never really know what he actually felt, thought, or intended with me. But maybe that’s for the best. I moved on and met a real dominant man who was clear and unambiguous about what he wanted from me and he eventually took me as his slave. In real life. That clarity and communication has been like the clear brilliant light of day when contrasted with Michael’s murky darkness. My relationship today, as well as my servitude, is real. What I had online with Michael, as intense as it may have seemed at times, was not.

Kerry’s Story

I was in my early twenties when I first learned that there were other women who felt as I did—who desired more than anything to submit to and serve a strong man. I was elated that I was finally beginning to understand what had been going on inside me for as long as I could remember and I wanted to find answers to all of the questions that had been filling my mind all of that time, so of course I began searching the Internet.

It’s not hard, I’m sure, to imagine what kind of results an Internet and chat room search for submission turned up. After a shocking crash course in mainstream BDSM I was overwhelmed and, honestly, frightened. So much, in fact, that I was about ready to abandon my search in its infancy when along came a man who called himself a “master.” He’d noticed my timid comments in a chat  room we’d both been in and then sent me a private message asking if I’d like to ask him any questions as it seemed that I was new and perhaps shy.

No matter how much time passed or how much “testing” took place, there was always a reason why a phone call or meeting was impossible.

That message led to many more and after some time he expressed that he wanted me to serve him, but said that he would need to test me before a meeting or even speaking on the phone could take place. I found the idea of serving someone I had no proof was actually real a little strange, but then again, I had no experience at all with any of this. I thought to myself that maybe this was normal in long distance D/s relationships. How could I really know, otherwise?

He was very much into the cliché of orgasm control. He didn’t restrict orgasms, though: he’d want me to have as many as I could in one day, or he’d put a number on a day of the week (say Friday) and on Fridays he’d require that I have at least five orgasms. He also required that I had one day a week where I pampered myself and he would tell me how. For instance, sometimes it was getting a manicure, or buying myself something special. Most of the time the “pampering” wasn’t even related to grooming (which at least would have made a little sense). He called it “controlled spoiling.”

One of the tasks he often had me perform was writing erotica for him. It always had to be Daddy/little girl themed, though (a theme, I might add, that I eventually grew out of).

He said he didn’t believe in punishment and thought positive reinforcement was better, so if I broke a rule, like “not having enough orgasms in one day,” he’d have me write a list of all of the reasons I was a good girl and send them to him. How that was teaching me any sort of lesson at all, I’ll never know. Once in a while, though, he’d have me do something super strange like shower with all of my clothes on or sleep with my head at the foot of the bed and my feet on my pillows.

Months passed and I began to feel frustrated and confused. No matter how much time passed or how much “testing” took place, there was always a reason why a phone call or meeting was impossible. I felt torn between thinking that something was desperately wrong with the whole situation and that perhaps there was something wrong with me. I didn’t want to be disrespectful or ungrateful, but I also didn’t want to keep playing what was beginning to feel more and more like a huge game…and an odd one at that. My dissatisfaction led me to try searching the Internet again, hoping beyond hope that somewhere out there someone could tell me what a master was supposed be like so that I would know if what I was experiencing was in the least bit normal. That’s when I found Humbled Females and encountered real dominance for the first time. It completely changed everything, and, in many ways this community saved my life.

All three stories above are a little different, but there are recognizable patterns that run throughout each. These women started out with strong drives to pursue relationships with dominant men. One woman was coming from a lackluster traditional marriage, another was recovering from mourning the death of a former master, and the last was entirely new to dominance and submission. These energies, as different as they were, each served as potentially powerful catalysts to bring all three to their knees before good masters (or so they thought), but in the end, those energies were directed toward the wrong types of men. As their relationships progressed and each man avoided more intimate forms of contact, the absence of real communication became more and more painfully obvious. Despite these women understanding their predicaments over the courses of many months (and even years), their own emotive processes—and the investments they made in those processes—anchored them to the lies of their false intimacies. And that is the ultimate evil behind deceitful relationships such as these: the more time and energy one puts into the vision of something desired and hoped for, the harder it is to give up its ghost, regardless. Even if it’s for a female’s greater good that she stop, deeply set emotions with so much riding upon them are seldom rational enough to seriously allow her to consider doing so.

Eventually, however, emotions must surrender to the force of their own unsustainable weight. The dysfunctional patterns have gone on long enough and the limbo cannot be blindly accepted anymore. Each woman above had a “breaking point” in her mental prison, where she moved past the bars and dared to explore further. Each eventually found something that confirmed the good in breaking away from the Nowhere Man who kept her: a piece of evidence or inspiration that made her connect the dots and realize where her relationship was more than just a little lacking.

Whatever the motivations are behind the men who lie about themselves and their intentions, the manifestations of their game all take on a familiar pattern before long. Below are some of the more common telltale signs of long-distance trickery.

 

Signs and Symptoms of the Nowhere Man

He skips to the sex talk early on. Perhaps the most obvious sign of the Nowhere Man is an excessive interest in sexual subjects long before the context of even a cursory relationship is built. Within the first few exchanges online, you find yourself knee-deep in discussing experiences, preferences, and fantasies all centered around sexual acts. Your IM or email encounters frequently become prurient transcripts with little substance beyond that. You may not notice this at first, for the energy of a “new relationship” might blind you (and, to be honest, all the sensual dialog can be a turn-on), but if you take a sobering look at the direction of your conversation, from start to present, what do you see? Is there any real getting-to-know-you dialog exchanged, or is it mostly sex talk?

He otherwise puts the cart before the horse. The Nowhere Man will often attempt to dominate you without laying the proper groundwork for a relationship’s foundation. Outside of knocking someone over the head, stuffing them into a quintessentially creepy blue van and hauling them off to a hidden dungeon beneath a quiet rural home, a man’s dominance over a woman, like most energies exchanged in a relationship, requires personal context. One should not expect to have tall orders barked at them within the first few exchanges, but if this does happen, it’s a fairly good warning sign that something may be up. A man with the intent to control a woman will want to know her in some degree before exercising that control too openly, but a man with inauthentic motives probably won’t bother learning about you as a person much. Instead, he’ll go straight for the control (and sex) aspects. He comes on hot, heavy, and fast, for the relationship he offers is by nature intended to be temporary.

If the man you’re dealing with is grossly inconsistent or seemingly clueless in his understanding of dominance, you may very well find that you’re dominating yourself more than submitting to anyone in particular.

He avoids/curtails more personal forms of contact. Instant messaging and emails are decent forms of communication for a spell, but as time goes on you’ll both naturally and inevitably want to graduate to more intimate forms of exchange, like video chat or talking on the phone. But you’ll often find that the Nowhere Man is nowhere to be found when it comes to these richer forms of communication. He may bring himself to speak on the phone or in video chat periodically, but always has an excuse as to why he can’t do so for too long, or why he can only speak at specific times.

He is excessively secretive. The Nowhere Man has myriad reasons why he can’t give you his address or phone number too soon. The excuses often have something to do with caution over the “sensitivity of his profession” or his desire to “not be burned again.” He may also say he  is “very careful about his security” or “has trust issues.” All these reasons could be legitimate, of course, but that’s precisely what makes them so likely to be used by online predators. A pinch of common sense always goes a long way. If you have given over your name, address, phone number, social media data, and any other forms of personally identifying information only to be met by a permawall of secrecy from him for months on end, if you are to blindly follow his lead without questioning and he gets angry if you inquire about the plans he has for you, these are pretty sure signs you’re in Nowhere Land.

He continuously puts off meeting you in the flesh. The Nowhere Man always has an excuse as to why he can’t meet you. He’s too busy with work, he’s perpetually/conveniently never happy with your attitude, he’s working on building a brand new future life and will fit you in it when the time is opportune, or the “timing,” overall, just isn’t right. He may even make promising travel arrangements to fly out and meet you or have you fly to him—on your dime, of course—but he’ll cancel at the last minute and always have the most likely excuse…or none at all, because by then it’s usually evident you’ve been had. Needless to say, repeated delay from his end in meeting should trip your alert for bull. An authentic dominant man will want to meet a new prospective servant in a woman—to make a connection and resultant bond in the flesh sooner rather than later. A man who isn’t interested in creating that bond in the first place is not being forthright in the least.

Things just don’t add up. Names, dates, locations, personal facts, and claimed experiences he may have shared with you in one discussion doesn’t jive with things you’ve learned about him from another discussion. If you start to keep notes of these little details, you’ll notice the inconsistencies sooner. Regardless, if your memory seems to recall contradicting information he’s told you, don’t write it off always as faulty memory of your own: you may be spotting merely the tip of the iceberg.

He disappears for long periods of time and reappears randomly. You’re both regularly exchanging communications when suddenly—poof!—he’s nowhere to be found for an unusually long period of time. This sometimes lasts for weeks and, sometimes, even months. But just as suddenly as he left, he returns, and, despite your distress, long periods of his absence are expected to be waved away without much fuss when he reboots contact and acts like everything is hunky dory. In your desire to keep the peace, you’ll brush it off, but you can’t deny that it’s just plain weird. Baring unforeseen tragedies in life, this is not how normal humans communicate—even dominant humans who happen to be online.

His dominance fluctuates from fast and loose to dropping the ball entirely. The man who predicated his character through dominance and the seductive promises of control begins flagging in those interests before long. Past the smokescreen of sensual talk, you may notice his proclivity to dominate is waning. If you fail to follow through with his supposed structure and rules, soberly ask yourself: what are the reliable repercussions? If the man you’re dealing with is grossly inconsistent or seemingly clueless in his understanding of dominance, you may very well find that you’re dominating yourself more than submitting to anyone in particular.

 

Not all Victims are Submissive Females, Nor are all Predators Male

It would be remiss of me to fail in pointing out that Nowhere Men don’t always appear online as dominant males. Sometimes these pathological liars stoop to a far stranger form of vicariousness: posing as women. Every D/s Internet forum—including Humbled Females, too, unfortunately—is occasionally infected by men pretending to be submissive women. Their profiles and comments often make the ruse obvious, but some are more clever than others and may evade detection long enough to court the interests of men lured in by their sexy photos and all-too-likely talk. While their male victims may not stay on the hook for as long as submissive women lured in by the online phantoms of male dominance, the preferred mirage of a submissive female can still waste a man’s time and energy well enough. As with women who get taken advantage of online, men can be manipulated by the force of their own desires which they project onto the (manufactured) entities they’ve met online.

False submissive females are not always men pretending to be women, either. While it may seem somewhat of a stretch to conceive, there are some characters in our world who have love-hate relationships with things that compel their thoughts and attentions, and some of those conflicted personalities reside in females. Past traumas, abuse, disappointments, or sociopolitical axes to grind give some females the motives to don the pleasing caricatures of submission, if not for morbid curiosity, than pure mischief, and even spite. These falsities are not always intentional or have hostility in mind. Daughters estranged from their fathers, former victims of extreme abuse working through their issues, or wives trapped in troubled marriages may gravitate toward the apparition of male dominance, but their self-actualizations in being truly submissive and desiring to walk the path of submission leave much to be desired. A man need only scratch the surface of these women to realize what they project is not necessarily what they contain in any substantive degree.

 

How to Avoid Getting Stuck in Nowhere Land

Talk doesn’t have to be cheap—even online. Not only should we say what we mean and mean what we say, but the breadth and scope of what we have to say should reflect the sound intellectual underpinnings of someone who has thought deep and hard on the things that interest us. If a man is dominant and sure in that dominance, there should be a good bedrock of ideals and rationals that pushed him toward that way of being. Simply put, serious men will take this way of life seriously. And it is a way of life, mind you—not a sexual circus side show of deviance and debauchery. Lifting the haze of sexual appetite, what’s left of the man’s base motivating convictions? Does he sound like he breaths the fire you seek? Are his premises in conversation sound? Do they evoke the feeling of a man who has thought about these subjects long and hard, or does everything about his interests sound surface-level? Listen and measure his words with thought. A lot can be discerned just in this one step alone.

Honest hearts and sound minds eventually find each other, but the first step in reaching that goal is to make certain you’re in possession of an honest heart and sound mind yourself.

Procure more than a single photo of the person you’re speaking with. A picture speaks a thousand words, or so it is said. But a thousand words usually aren’t enough online—not by a long shot. Four to five thousand? That’s a little more reliable. The point being, real people have multiple photos of themselves and it shouldn’t take too long to procure those photos. In this day and age of smart phones, digital cameras, and rampant social media, it’s increasingly suspicious that a man (or woman) wouldn’t have recent photos of themselves to give. When they do give you photos of themselves, consider the images carefully. Watch for changes in body type with faceless pictures and note the overall composures: do they look a little too polished and professional? Might they have been ripped from a porn site or a stock photography archive? A trip over to Google Image Search might be in order.

It’s his call, but he seldom bothers making one, if at all. Gently insist he does. A common thread to the accounts of the three women above is the refusal of the men to get closer with more intimate contact. A man who avoids phone conversations or video chats for a prolonged period of time is putting up an enormous red flag. There really isn’t any good reason to ignore this. It’s hard, given the obvious disposition of a submissive female, to make gentle demands of a potential master, but if your attempts to explore deeper methods of communication are repeatedly denied for weeks on end, and for reasons that increasingly make little to no sense at all, it’s time to politely bow out of the entanglement you find yourself in.

Excessive suspicion is…suspicious. Secrecy for personal security is understandable during the beginning of an online encounter. There are plenty of crazy (for lack of a better word) personalities in the world that one would rather not have on his front doorstep. But as the man you’re dealing with explores your character and learns more about what makes you tick, the drawbridge to his castle should eventually lower. With each man the time frame will obviously be different, but if you’ve gone more than a month without so much as a first name or phone number, it’s most likely time to hang it up. If you have exposed your personal information out of good will and obedience and he remains constantly cloaked in anonymity, this is a pretty strong sign that you’re dealing with a Nowhere Man.

Meeting sooner rather than later is key. Once again, a submissive female finds herself in a difficult position when attempting to discern the authenticity of a potential master online. It’s not her place to ever direct or demand things, but at the same time, the need in her to know her prospective master is strong and getting to that path of truly knowing him can only be started upon by meeting face to face. A wise dominant male will understand this, inherently. He will assuage your doubts and fears with a plan to bring you to him, if even to simply to introduce himself and observe you. If the man you’re speaking with never seems to have a serious plan to meet you, or makes those plans but repeatedly breaks them, it’s best to look elsewhere.

Look inward. Some women, while pointing the finger sternly at men, fail to realize how unsavory and impure their own motives are for finding so-called masters. Possessiveness, brattishness, belligerence, substance abuse, gross obesity, and generally poor attitudes might otherwise turn off an authentic male who once held some interest in you. Honest hearts and sound minds eventually find each other, but the first step in reaching that goal is to make certain you’re in possession of an honest heart and sound mind yourself. As always, the beginning of any journey starts with you. Educate yourself and do plenty of soul searching before taking up the search for a dominant male in the first place, for this way of life certainly isn’t a game. Strong, pure, and resolute in your intent, you need only find the other half of this puzzle.

Listen to your instincts. Not all threats to our well-being are consciously recognized. Sometimes the alarm bells are subtle and muted, but they’re there, if you pay attention. If something strikes you as strange or out of place, don’t let other feelings cloud your judgment. It might not be pleasant to entertain second thoughts that darken your hopes a little, but sometimes looking twice can save you a lot of pain and suffering later on. If you have questions or urgent concerns, a prospective master should be quite willing to hear you out and provide answers that satisfy your mind, not merely trick it.

Beware the adaptation of deceptive tactics. Like viruses that continually produce new strains, online fakers adapt their games in an ever-escalating psychological “arms race” with their target victims. Rest assured that some predators are reading this very article and taking it into consideration while they adapt their methods. With that in mind, you must constantly attempt to keep your mind open to the new ways in which online charlatans will attempt to game your mind. An example might be giving you personal information that belongs to someone else, or even making an effort to meet you quickly at a café to assuage your surface suspicions. Nowhere Men attempt to “hack” the mind however they can in an attempt to get what they want. Be wary of this. Try to think of what you don’t know that you don’t know. Essentially, vigilance is key in order to avoid being taken advantage of.

 

Some Ending Thoughts

The charlatan master—the man who has built his entire image upon a lie told online (for whatever reason)—is an insidious enemy to male dominance, for he offers up a tempting goal that will make a woman suffer miles of hardship to reach it, only to continuously snatch it away from her. The ultimate truth he teaches is a crummy one: the god she would worship is a sham.

As a submissive female, it behooves you to hone good judgment in seeking a man to serve. Human lives are finite in this world. Time, therefore, is a tremendously precious resource. When you give someone your time you’re giving fragments of your life to them, too—fragments you’ll never get back. It’s absolutely imperative, then, to invest your time wisely and look before you leap. This does not mean you must be indomitable and overbearing in your trepidation about men, but it does mean you should hone your common sense and keep your wits about you before entirely buying into the ongoing story of someone you’ve never met and likely will never meet.

If you’ve been deceived by a Nowhere Man already, take heart in the fact that this bad experience does not anywhere near represent all men. For the good of your own nature, don’t buy into an indelible scar so broad and painful that you’ll never seek fulfillment of your desires again. There are, indeed, many good men in this world who are patiently waiting for your search (and your wits) to grow a little sharper in order to find them. If you know deep in your spirit that your intentions to submit are real, you need only find the second half of the equation to complete yourself: a real man—a man who talks straight, knows what he wants, and carries through with his words. He’s a man who will put you in your place with desire, wisdom, forethought, and a well-plied belt.

1. https://www.humbledfemales.net/research/online-marriage-success-PNAS-2013-Cacioppo.pdf
2. Paul Aditi. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking. October 2014, 17(10): 664-667
3. Monica T. Whitty, Tom Buchanan. The Online Romance Scam: A Serious Cybercrime. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 2012; 15 (3)
4. https://www.fbi.gov/sandiego/press-releases/2013/looking-for-love-beware-of-online-dating-scams
5. Tyler, J. M., & Feldman, R. S. (2005). Deflecting threat to one’s image: Dissembling personal information as a self-presentation strategy. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 27, 371-378


February 11, 2014

Carpe Virum

By Marc Esadrian

find-embrace-real-dominant-men

Artwork ©Lauri Blank

I recently stumbled upon an amusing Glamour.com article offering some advice to women about how to attract a man and get him to approach them. In it, women are advised to smile a lot, radiate positive energy, and avoid hanging out in groups, for, as the article goes on to explain, “men are terrified to approach a big group of girls.”

We knew this from the outset of the article, anyway, where it asserted that “men are total wusses when it comes to approaching women.” But the ultimate pearl of wisdom gleaned from the author, shocking in its progressive daring, came from the advice that women should be “easy to approach, but hard to obtain!” Not that this deviates one iota from what women have been told all along since, well, I or anyone else can remember. Such attitudes regurgitated over and over reflect the common mores of culture where it comes to courting. But in a world where equality between the sexes is now rigidly upheld as right and good, such convenient female centrism about dating and mating only manages to come across as the sort of odd double standard ordinarily churned out from the intellectual Bermuda Triangle that is modern female entitlement. Serenely self-satisfied women indifferently wait and men do the work—and take the risks—in approaching first. It’s an idea many of us have accepted as “natural.”

“But that’s how it has always been,” one young lady caught up in this discussion with me apologetically protests. “Someone has to be the pursuer and if we waited for women all the time, well, I think there’d be a hell of a lot less people on the planet.” I can’t say she’s necessarily wrong that men are naturally driven to pursue things in different ways than women, and it’s true that many men seem to enjoy the thrill of the hunt where it comes to sexual pursuits, but is this to say women don’t have strong sex drives of their own? Is it to say they don’t necessarily care about finding relationships as much as men? Only a fool who knew nothing about women would assume so.

It would be safe, however, to assume that women have become accustomed to waiting for men to find them and approach them first. This could be a natural inclination for females during the mating game, something passed along in our genetic lineage over hundreds of thousands of years under the cool, prevailing logic that careless mating for a male doesn’t involve much risk, but careless mating for the female can be genetically disastrous. Thus, the classic hypothesis emerges that where the male is eager, the female is not so sure.

While the phrase “coy” was a term applied to the mating styles of female avians and women long before Darwin, it has widely been attributed to the observations put forth in Darwinian theories of sexual selection. In his book Origin of the Species, Charles Darwin built much of his understanding of animal mating and selection upon the concept of female mate choice. Viable females considered suitors based upon their impressive plumage and finery or accepted mating with the victor in male-male mating combat for access to them. Thus, eager males and coy females were easily imported constructions that we humans anthropomorphized in our own man/woman dichotomy.

Women who otherwise want to be seen as equals to men in every way insist on the double-standard of not having to pursue relationships.

But with his book The Selfish Gene, evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, inspired by the work of social biologist Robert Trivers, began to describe “coy” as only one of several female mating strategies. Indeed, he saw a stable state in the gene pool between males and females in their mate acquisition strategies: not all resembled the coy female pattern. This carried clear implication to human mating, as well: women don’t only have to be mysteriously reserved, nor are they always. They can exercise the agency of choice in their mating selections by being “fast,” too, or some permutation in between. And so it gradually came to be recognized that a spectrum of behaviors existed in animal mating, and subsequently, ours too.

Despite new findings and theories in the bio-evolutionary synthesis that challenge old preconceptions, despite the established social equality between male and female in Western society, despite the demonstrable ability of advanced reasoning in decision making that is a strong suit for human beings—both male and female—the fixed image of the coy female still lingers in the arena of modern courtship. Women who otherwise want to be seen as equals to men in every way insist on the double-standard of not having to pursue relationships, but to lay back and choose one among many who approach, to hold out and see which lucky contestant will eventually earn her approval, her attention, and, if they are fortunate enough, “win” her love. The coquettish female isn’t going away, it seems. Indeed, she seems to be growing stronger in number as the invisible skein of fashionable contempt for men is ever more tightly and subtly tangled around the throat of sexual politics in modern culture.

Part of this inclination toward sexual coyness in women is biological, no doubt (again, the female should probably be cautious about the males she engages with), but another part is most assuredly reinforced by cultural memes, too. From the rigidity of the Victorian age to the golden years of American civilization, women have been encouraged to remain in glamorous, seemingly indifferent passivity to male interest. Even in the so-called “post-feminst” age, the tendency for this behavior is strongly supported, as evidenced by commentary like the one described at the beginning of this article. So deep and pervasive is this idea that even women who identify as submissive in their personalities have (perhaps unthinkingly) co-opted it into their search methods for men they desire, which involves taking up a position of passive visibility combined with a large serving of silent hope and little more beyond that.

In The Foundation of Male Dominance, I discussed the somewhat less than impressive tendency of many men to leap forward and virtually beg the women they desired for a scrap of consideration. I pointed out how this is not very dominant at all, in fact, and how it tends to often fall flat for women who do have ambitions to actually respect the men they would serve. Be that as it may, many men are employing these techniques with little to no success, only to feel a growing pang of frustration with the wall of silence and indifference they receive, and any “success” that comes from approaching the woman in this way often won’t lead anywhere good in the end, either, as some men eventually come to realize. But as a woman, you are well aware that there’s always more men with big hearts and hopes (and libidos) who will follow suit. You get a bit overwhelmed with the attention and the process of creating the polite psychic barriers to deal with the fawning trains of would-be suitors. Where it comes to the online world, you may find your inbox too much to keep up with as it overflows with requests and queries, ranging from the lazy one-liner, to the poetic novella-sized inquiry, to a crude and ugly-mouthed proposition.

But for all this attention you get as a woman, it’s important not to lose sight of what you desire to achieve: to find a strong dominant male you can actually respect. As a female, your instincts certainly do serve you well. It’s probably true that many of the ones who have approached you aren’t worth considering much. For one reason or another (you may not always know or be able to verbalize exactly why) their queries seem too contrived, too eager, too devoid of a certain something that makes you care, or just too random and out of the blue to so much as make a blip on your radar. You need context and meaning to involve your mind and in a world of cheap and easy digital communication, with its dating sites and lightening-fast messaging systems, it’s very easy to…well, not care much at all about what comes your way when it’s in such instant and high volume. 

By reducing yourself to a mere object that is acted upon, you lose the greater agency of choice in suitors—the power to steer your fate toward those men who intrigue you most.

You’ve seen these men before, though they have different faces and names. You’ve seen the same lines, or rather, the same hints behind the lines—however they are contrived—more times than you can count. Messages in your inbox or advances from men in bars, restaurants, clubs or social grapevines are not met with an air of hope so much as resignation that you’ll receive yet another approach from one more unsuitable would-be. And those who you do accept into your circle after proper genuflection mysteriously tend to disappoint or miss the mark in the long run.

And so the situation with men can sometimes seem like a revolving door of incompatibility and gradual letdown. All the while, there are men you may see on the fringes, men who truly catch your eye, even if fleetingly so. They may not last long in your mind once they pass the field of your vision. Like colorful birds, they may be a quick burst of radiance and curious energies that you dismiss as beyond grasp. They may also be like lovely polestars in the heavens, beings who are somewhat haunting and mesmerizing, or simply tickle something in your psyche. They may be unattainable in your mind because you don’t have the confidence to approach them and so fear rejection. Or perhaps you’re the type of luminous woman who can have almost any man she wants, but never, as a rule, deigns to make the first move, because you’ve never had to. Wherever on the scale you may lie, the decision to put yourself in plain sight is a common tactic you use in your seduction. It boils down, essentially, to a coy game of sit and wait: those who prostrate upon your altar are rewarded with your attention, however momentarily—those who do not might as well not exist at all.

This strategy may work quite fine in one sense: catching men in the net is easy when they whirl like schools of silver sprats over your vibrant beauty and charm. Where this strategy might not shine so well, however, is in its inherent passivity, the spirit of which will often balk at making any difficult climb to have what’s desired beyond the lazy reach. By reducing yourself to a mere object that is acted upon, you lose the greater agency of choice in suitors—the power to steer your fate toward those men who intrigue you most. While “it is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her,” as French playwright Paul Geraldy once claimed, the fact remains that you are still playing with the cards dealt you by chance, and while all chance can’t be removed from life, any extra agency we may find along the way in steering it better to our fulfillment should, rightfully, be nurtured. Particularly where it relates to finding a dyed-in-the-wool dominant man you respect and deeply want, how could this not be so? For these men who stir you a little or a lot may never come your way of their own accord, no matter how well placed you are in their view. 

Is she willing to have the courage of her convictions—to step outside of her shell and risk the adventure in finding the heady mixture she truly desires? Or will she play it safe with an indefinite game of sit pretty and wait?

They may never step upon the path leading to you, no matter how brilliant or vivacious you might be or appear. It’s very possible that some of these intriguing beings refuse to approach you, for they grow weary of the cat and mouse games so often associated with the politics of feminine desirability and those women who demonstrate the ability to cynically exploit it. They may see, as I often do, that women so often used to being worshiped and pursued (most often for their beauty) tend to be drunk on the narcissism that often results from such attention. The idea they are hot commodities in demand that males have to compete for to earn their attention permeates their thinking, and, not surprisingly, often the fate of their relationships with men. How many women have you seen in life who claim their men “wear the pants” in their relationship, despite the painfully obvious fact that it’s just not the case and never really has been? How many charades have you seen played out where the “king” is metaphysically crawling behind his supposed servant? Chances are you’ve seen this before, and if you honor the spirit of submission, such a relationship fate probably sickens or horrifies you.

Now this is not to say that all submissive females have such a subversive and self-worshiping blind side (though it should be noted many females who claim to desire submission often do). Certainly, most women who find genuine interest in female submission are not chronically infected with the diva complex I describe above, but traces of this tendency often do find their way subtly into a woman’s conscience and sub-conscience, given our cultural history and especially the realities of sexual politics today. The tendency to unthinkingly recycle these old courtship concepts as “the norm” is quite strong in most women still, and only routed out when fully realized—permitting there’s desire to route them out in the first place. But therein lies the first question a submissive woman should ask herself when searching for a dominant male: is she ready to leave the baggage of all this egotistical and inefficient thinking aside? Is she willing to have the courage of her convictions—to step outside of her shell and risk the adventure in finding the heady mixture she truly desires? Or will she play it safe with an indefinite game of sit pretty and wait?

As a submissive female, you may realize that you need to be overtaken and humbled, but that journey begins with humbling yourself enough to see the synthetic entitlements within your own culturally supported blind sides; it requires a lucid and awake mind capable of shrugging off the tropes we may unthinkingly buy into as males and females. And one of the biggest and most subversive tropes of all is the idea that females are always to be the benefactors of pursuit—the ones who choose the ones who choose them. Not only does this coy stratagem undermine the spirit of your own submissiveness, but it limits your available options to find and appeal to the men you truly desire.

It’s my heartfelt wish that all submissive women reading my words take this message with far more than a grain of salt. If anything I’ve described above matches, in any degree, your perceptions of courtship rights and wrongs, it’s my sincere suggestion that something needs to change in the way you search for fulfillment as a submissive female. It’s true that there are many men who are not suited to even the surface appeal of dominance, much less the roles of capable husbands or masters. Many of these men are the ones you’re probably quite familiar with, if you’ve been playing this game or witness to it. They are the types who veritably beg for your consideration and who you can easily “allow” to think they are in control, and since you find them appealing in some way, you may persist in upholding this grand illusion for however long you want. You may hope, perhaps, that somewhere along the way, the man you snagged will muster the strength of character to have what it takes to truly rule your heart and mind. More often than not, however, this will likely fail, for the foundation upon which you built such a relationship had a fatal flaw right from its inception: the principle of least interest was always in your favor and the one you allowed into your life was placed upon his throne by none other than you, not by his true virtues as a dominant man.

And so it is important you choose a man you cannot manipulate, a man you cannot lead about by the nose ringed with his own desire and eagerness to jump through hoops of your whim and design. For this reason, the men who flatter you with their ongoing and uninvited attention, the men who seem like puppies eagerly waiting for your cue to act and jump all too easily at what you toss their way should all be held suspect. By letting them in, you invite whatever deformities of character and understanding they may harbor while assuming a shaky mantle of service-oriented dominance. By lifting the bridge to your castle, so to speak, you invite only the ones you willfully desire into your world, eliminating both predator and pushover from the opportunity to disguise themselves on your front doorstep with uncertain outcomes. Doing this requires courage, of course…the sort of courage that may not feel entirely comfortable or “natural” for you, but keep in mind that fortune often favors the bold. If you embrace this boldness to step out of the seemingly safe, hermetically sealed pink bubble of the female ego and risk feeling the phantoms of rejection and failure, you may very well summon the power to find a man you can fully appreciate and respect.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” —Anais Nin

This will not only require you to be courageous: it will also necessitate seeing men without imperiously dismissing them, fostering the talent for a more “broadband” observation of the male sex—of its intelligence, depth, and masculine splendor. It will encourage you to examine the inner male apparition of your fantasies and by what method you may obtain him in real life.

By reaching outward and exploring the many wise and honorable men who exist in our world, you will hone a finer art of discernment and feel liberated to exercise agency in acting upon informed choice, not merely the opportunities afforded by random circumstance. It is your bid to seize the day, as it were. The choice is, of course, yours. You may delay, but time certainly will not. As a human being who lives only a finite number of possible years on our planet, it behooves you to optimize that time and experience the full scope of what your female nature craves. It doesn’t mean you should be foolhardy in this exploration, for certainly, the necessity of good choice and sound reasoning not only remains but is further mandated with a more aggressive exploration. While the work for you may increase, so will the odds of finding a good man—a man more right for you.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do … Explore. Dream. Discover.” —Mark Twain

And, as a dominant male who has seen and often requires females approach him in the beginning, I can tell you that many men on the other side of the equation will be pleased and impressed you took the initiative to present yourself before the object of your interest, that you were stirred enough in your inquisitiveness about them to speak the first word. It’s true that not all good men won’t come knocking on your door. A man of tact, dignity, and grace in getting the conversation going is marked as learned, tasteful, and even seductive—should you have the insight to recognize his gesture from the cacophony of other voices, that is. It’s also true that making the first gesture in communicating with a man is not a guarantee of success with him, by any means, but it is my sincere belief and experience that knowing what you want and taking up a more proactive role in finding it will assist you in reaching your preferred destiny with less headache and disillusionment accrued along the way.


July 20, 2013

The Foundation of Male Dominance

Marc Esadrian

male-dominance-foundation-masculinity

Sculpture by Arno Breker

At Humbled Females, we often speak a great deal about authentic submissiveness in women and how to best channel and hone it. As we should. Female submission is a subject of tremendous breadth and scope. Much more can and will be written of it, but in this article, I’m going to do something that deviates from the trend of our publications, thus far: I’m going to address men.

That’s right. If you’re a male and happen to think of yourself as “dominant” (or wish to be) and you’re reading this, my message in this article is directed to you. I’m even talking to males who don’t necessarily think of themselves as dominant, but find themselves reading the pages of this site, regardless. My friends, something has to change in the way many of us relate to and interact with the female sex. Many of us men seem to be found wanting where it comes to projecting the depth, power, and confidence that marks an authentically dominant male. So very many men, in fact, seem so very weak and pliable when tested. It’s possible you might not be the type of person I’m speaking of in this body of text, and if so, I suspect you’ll still have little to no difficulty recalling any number of occasions in which you’ve seen other men make fools of themselves in their bids to acquire members of the female sex or keep them under their control.

To all the male readers, seasoned or green, I simply ask this: are you in control of your desires or do your desires have a tendency to ride roughshod over you, instead? A simple question, it seems, but below the surface, it points toward something a little more complex. On the genomic level, we are never free of desire, of course, for to be free of it would mean we’d be dead. But what I’m getting at, particularly, is the ability to still your thoughts and modify your urges, to channel them and hone them as a complimentary mirror to what we desire in the female sex. Put more plainly, for a woman to surrender to a man’s dominance, there must first be an understanding of dominance in the man. There must be an understanding and successful application of control, not only of her, but of himself. I’m bringing all this up because, frankly, I see a lot of men doing some pretty silly stuff under the assumed mantle of dominance, a mantle which is often little more than a cheaply painted veneer, a prop to give the appearance of mastery, but not much more than that, once one cuts gently below the surface to reveal the tender flesh of inadequacy.

I know my words may sound a bit judgmental and event arrogant, but I don’t mean them to be. I write this because I care about how men are presenting themselves to women and carrying themselves around women, in general. I have been watching you, as a whole, for some time now, and the grade I give more than half of the assuming, self-assured “dominant” male population is a decided F. Many are failing—miserably, I might add—at projecting dominance and control, but the image problem is not where the problem for many men stops: it is the symptom of an underlying problem, and that problem, overall, is a fundamental lack of understanding about what dominance really is and how to have grace (through internal permission) in wielding it. Further still, it is a larger ignorance of the politics of desire and the power that flows from it…or does not. A blindside to the intelligence and subtlety of the female sex often tends to be present, too. If a man is to truly have power over a woman, he must route out all these failings and weaknesses. Only then can he begin to have any real power over the opposite sex.

On the nature of desire and control

In seeking authority over a female, it is imperative to have a good understanding of what dominance is…and what it is clearly not. Dominance, put succinctly, is a power or modifying influence one has over others. If one does not have influence over another, one does not have power and thus, one does not retain an authentic state of dominion over that person. Without influence, without the ability to inspire movement and devotion in another, one cannot lead. Any influence lent to another for the sake of sensual effect is just that: an effect. Your authority and your control cannot be reliably built upon the shifting sands of a sensual illusion or the delicate embroidery of common romantic mores stitched in wilder thread; it must be something of much more substance. Good leadership—good dominance—never proceeds from artifice, naivety, or dull awareness, nor does it find itself lowered to the state of appeasement to get what it wants. Dominance is never destitute, deprived, or indignant, needing to resentfully stoop to sell itself. It does not have to apologize for its presence and ask for customers, so to speak.

On that note, I’d ask you to consider, if you will, the following lines from interested male parties below. I’ve cut and pasted these words from actual emails sent to my girls by self-described “dominant men.” Can you find the flaws?

“I haven’t heard from you for a while and now I see you have changed your status to seeking a master. You will have to decide yourself if you think there is any point in speaking with me, but I am available for you.”

“I would love to own a beautiful female such as yourself. I see that you mention you want someone that has owned a slave before and I haven’t, but I think I can convince you that I am the perfect owner for you. Why don’t you respond so we can discuss this? Give me a chance, at least.”

“I hope your day is good and I certainly am willing to be a friend and possibly a teacher or mentor to you, if you’d want. I know you have posted looking for one. Are you interested in me or not?”

“Sorry to see you are no longer under consideration. I don’t think he deserved you, anyway. You deserve much better. I hope you’ll consider me as your master. I would jump at the opportunity to have you under my wing.”

Men: do you recognize yourselves anywhere in the above quotes? If you don’t, congratulations. If so, you undoubtedly have some personal work to do. That is, if your future intentions skirt anywhere toward asserting the reality of power and not a comedy sketch of Briffault’s Law.

To those who might be scratching their heads, do any of the above quotes strike you as a bit weak? Pathetic, even? It’s obvious the men above are prostrating before the object of their desires. They flatter and suck up, sometimes condescendingly so, but at the inevitable expense of their own image. The woman reading such messages or hearing such things said to her realizes that what alights before her is but a pale and desperate shade of the firedrake she truly wants. If she has a submissive nature within her, a noble nature that holds no contempt for men or smug superiority to them, she may feel a mild to strong revulsion at being approached so fawningly. She may not understand why these men, communicating the way they do to her, make her feel less than inspired, but she does, instinctively, feel a need to avoid the contradictions they seem to convey in words alone.

When he stumbles over himself for the interest of a woman, he puts himself figuratively (and sometimes literally) beneath her. Contrary, perhaps, to what surrounding culture tends to tell us, it’s not attractive to most women when they see men doing this.

Women, simply by being women, by having the fleshly allurements that come with their sex, inherit a pernicious charm that plays with the free will of men. When a man is sensually weak, he can easily be controlled. When he stumbles over himself for the interest of a woman, he puts himself beneath her. Contrary, perhaps, to what surrounding culture tends to tell us, it’s not attractive to most women when they see men doing this. Those women who do manage to find weakness in men desirable would use your desire to control you while you only assume a facade of control. Some women may find the man led around by his male-part endearing for a season, but they will tire, eventually, and the amusement will lead to inevitable contempt. For this reason, you must be vigilant and use self restraint when appraising those who you would hunt or those who find their way to you. Do not jump too quickly toward a pretty face and facade, lest you pierce a ring through your own nose.

Rein in your impulses a bit. A wise man, a man who would be master, leans easily toward comfortable politeness and graciousness in his dealings with women, but is watchful of his dignity all the same and does not lick up the pleasing lures of flesh unthinkingly or in ways that lower him. With a certain imperviousness, sharp insight, and good judgement, the master truly masters those he would have, and above all, takes care to not find himself mastered by them. Again, words make things sound so simple, but anyone with a dash of experience in bringing the female mind truly to heel will understand the gravity of the task.

Much like Diogenes with his lantern in search of an honest man, a woman wanders in her search for a man of the right quality, often a man who would be her mentor. But how much a mentor can a man be if he is like the proverbial emperor with no clothes, given to chasing his desires so much that they lower him like a simple beast? It marks a great heart and mind when one possesses patience, never spurred by foolish haste over beauty or a blinding lust for it, and thus never making an ass of himself. If you would be master of a woman, you must take care to master your own impulses, or they’ll surely be used against you in some way by her natural wiles, which, even among the best of women, wait secretly to be roused from their slumber. In the very least, you’ll be judged as unsuitable, should her heart be pure in the desire to serve and her mind clear on what marks true dominance in the male. So much for being an agreeable lapdog always seeking her approval. Challenge her mind and simultaneously comfort it with your clear sense of direction. This is not to say you must be a contrarian, a bully, a player, or a braggart, but it is to say that being comfortable in your own skin, having a well-seated confidence, and a well-balanced head is not only attractive, but pivotal in the realm of influence. Of utmost importance is the necessity that you must break the pattern of weakness and naivety seen so frequently among men in these modern times.

Curtailing antipathy and vulgarity

Negative energy is unattractive and alienating. There are men who, having wealth or good looks (or ideally, both), still fail miserably in retaining female interest for long due to an incessant ugliness within their souls. They take too much pleasure in their greeds, hatreds, and prejudices, seeing virtually everything as a crime or conspiracy to meet with strife or agitation. Those who see nothing but the bad in life and who thrill at argument and division provoke little more than aversion and are quickly marked as fools; there is nothing powerful about them. Past the stinging bite of their words, they are only remembered as pitiful, disagreeable, or deranged. We mustn’t walk constantly in darkness, lest we be branded town cynics. Just as there is a moon, so too is there a sun. Be sure to see the good in things along with the bad. Take care to compliment others of their virtues with sincerity. Be supportive of what deserves support, not silent until the time comes, again, for complaint. Be a light that attracts, but not falsely so, and certainly be more a force of harmony than chaos. Being a problem-solver, letting your resources flow, having answers with a kinder face…these things make tremendous difference in the realm of opening and lasting influence.

Take care to speak thoughtfully and well. Let there be a poetry to your words that beguile and a wisdom within them that inspires. This cannot be said enough when speaking of enticing the female mind, for the female searches not so much for wit but wisdom in a male and knows this is often marked by his words as much as his actions. Not all of us are perfect writers or speakers, but we should avoid soiling our speech with vulgarities, in the very least. Paying heed to speaking well speaks, in turn, of good breeding and refinement. Only a dullard writes off this subtle charm as inconsequential.

Don’t play the part of the constant jester. Women love to laugh, indeed, but let your humor be a pleasing discovery that finds its moment, rather than what marks your personhood in social circles, lest you be thought more an entertaining fool than wise. Keep your actions in check with mindfulness and know when a little bit of levity or foolishness is appropriate. Timing, as they say, is everything in life. We certainly mustn’t take ourselves too seriously, but it is generally good practice to be known more for wisdom than endless laughs.

Be a force of reason that is never too quick to harshly judge. This will mark you as thoughtful and gracious rather than a belligerent and cynical egotist. It is the worldly charm of the wise to be tempered in their aggressions, not gobbling up every bait they find to argue and find fault in others. In short, confident and calm dominance is attractive. Belligerent domineering by reflex is not. Making a regular show of your aggression or cynicism is always in bad taste and policy.

On finding the art in yourself

Care for your body. Women have desire for the male form in its ideal health and so it behooves you to tend to your health and appearance. Good grooming not only makes one more pleasant, but marks the man who is in control of his person. A man who is slovenly or grossly obese outwardly displays his inability to manage his own person. How can he be expected, then, to manage others? In being dominant men, the first foundations of the lives we build reside solely in ourselves. From that bedrock all else may be built upon soundly, including the servants we keep in women.

Nurture art within yourself. Neglect, disorder, disarray, and disease: these are the flies that encircle the carrion of inept men. Such men are incapable of mastering others, for they cannot master themselves. Be aware of your appearance and what it says about you. It is the first clue one can give in the day-to-day world about what resides beneath the skin. It is impossible to know the depths of a man who is a stranger, but we can easily judge him based upon his outward appearance, can’t we? Just as we may judge the discernment of a house’s owner by the its outward impression, so too may you be judged on the outside. Women are subtle observers; they are savvy about outward appearance, for they, by nature, are servants to the visual. Keep abreast of style and fashion within your culture, not to nurture vainglory or a brittle narcissism, but to be marked as one who is awake to taste and refinement and the care of these things. Ignorance is often artless; the learned are often artful. If we understand how the soul is revitalized and inspired through art, should we not, then, seek to embody art in ourselves?

On responsibility and dignity

Above all things, a man must retain a good reputation. It is half the key to being desirable in your circle. You will be loved if you nurture a repute for responsibility, taste, discernment, wisdom, and courtesy. Veer from the affectations of these things; their substances can only be procured through experience, reflection, and forethought. The female is highly social; her tentacles for rumor and gossip often run farther and deeper today than ever before, given her modern freedoms. It’s fitting, then, to guard your reputation with your life and better to be thought of as a respectable mystery than someone commonly regarded for known faults. For this reason, it is imperative you deal only with those who would guard your honor with equal interest. Watch carefully how women you would let into your circle behave with the personal secrets they have gleaned from others. Steer clear of drama queens, manipulators, and the entire lot of the mentally damaged, no matter what affectations of submission they project or beauty they possess. Sharing energy with such parasites is an endless loop of madness and insult, draining your sense of good will and smearing your image by association.

Don’t recede into self-debilitating laziness. A man who has dreams and acts to pursue them is a man in motion on some level. Waters that are not flowing soon give rise to a swamp caught up in its own dead inertia. From this swamp, a multitude of disease follows: paralyzation, doubt, apathy, ignorance, depression, and addiction.  A man who is resourceful and ambitious, a man who is inclined to action for his well-being and the well-being of those around him is a man who is attractive to a woman, for he is charged with a positive energy that her passive energy will naturally wish to mate with. A male with vision and the energy to pursue his dreams is exciting and inspiring; he is a wellspring of influence, pleasure, and hope.

Do not allow women to walk on you. No lasting happiness can come from humoring the natural tendency for females to manipulate men or cause doubt in them. Enjoy the charms and pleasures of the female sex, but do not become a slave to them; it is, surely, a path to folly. Females will naturally respect a male who is intelligent, difficult to corrupt, and carries with him the light of a noble spirit, but to those who scrape for their desires, know that they will give little respect, only intent to use. Regarding the latter, it is crucial to avoid women who take pleasure in subtly dominating and emasculating men. It’s not enough to ask such women what lies in their hearts if you are already defeated to them, for a sly opportunism often resides in their persons and it will play truth like a fiddle. It is, therefore, wise to make a sober and detached study of the female and the many ways in which she rises to the occasion of the male’s weakness and of his need, if only so she may yoke it. Do not compromise who and what you are for sexual access; it may give you short-term pleasure but will likely not give you long-term happiness. Win manipulative games of the female sex by not playing their games in the first place. Move on to nobler choices.

Avoid cowardice. Shying away from conflict or challenge, living in shadow, being passive, always manipulating to get what you want, or never showing the courage of your convictions…this is the path of the coward and it is unbecoming and unattractive in a man. Men are the warriors of the species. Females rely upon us to venture into the dark and strike at the heart of encroaching danger, to have a fierce spirit and live in some fellowship with it. This speaks to our responsibility, overall, as the stronger sex. Shirking the call to arms only marks you as shirking your masculine nature. It’s good to be calming and serene, but also fierce when need be, for the protection of what belongs to you.

Respecting masculinity

Reject the contempt of men in society, for it is contempt of you. To that end, avoid being an stooge of modern feminism and the air of sterile androgyny that often accompanies it. Don’t be convinced that male strength is a lie or that what you feel comes natural as a male is merely a social construct. There are those who would have you believe the world between men and women is only right when stood upon its head, that women should take on the roles of men and men of women, or that there is no “real” difference between male and female. Don’t be part of the appeasing, permissive silence that surrounds generally anti-male attitudes and never go along to get along with such attitudes. Men today must be vibrant, strong, and healthy, but we can’t look to gynocentricity to bring us to these things. Resist what, in your heart, feels twisted and poisoned in modern thought about the male sex. Just as your body is a temple, so much more is your mind and spirit. Guard it with dignity and honor. Don’t let it be smeared with the social diseases of the day.

Beware of custom played against you. The past and the present are not the same place, though sometimes we may wish them to be. Following the ways of men in a bygone age to procure honor may only stifle you now, given how the surrounding rules have changed so much. Relinquish nostalgic ideas and customs that blinker men into invisible servility to women and beware those women who would still insist upon such things under the false mantle of “equality.” This is not to suggest polite convention should be thrown out. By all means, open doors for women and cover the bill for a night out, should you be so inclined. Be kind to women and girls in society. Make your mate a happy housewife if you are able. Being a gentleman is never out of fashion, but being a woman’s personal ass certainly should be. It’s wise to beware of the cunning in women’s freedom today, which, on one hand, speaks the wish to be equal in all things, but on the other, takes advantage of romantic convention to invoke double-standard. Do not be the fool who is parted from your money, time, or hard work due to a woman’s blinding narcissism, gross moral relativity, or exploitative dishonesty.

Appreciate the masculine and give it honor. Not being at war with your own sex, take appreciation in maleness and of the male form, which is another way of saying take appreciation in yourself. Learn, again, to love yourself and reject the condescending attitudes about maleness that society viciously inflicts. Each man is a distant brother; treat him as such until there is no reason to afford him this kindness. Don’t step upon him to gain favor with women; doing so elevates you at the expense of your own sex. Avoiding ignorance, egomania, a bitter heart, envy, or anger in your soul: this is the path to inner peace and outward grace, the path to making peace with yourself and being a more desirable man.

On maintaining structure

The shape and design of your world must accommodate your authority well and cultivate submission in your woman. A man must have within him the ability to organize his life in a way that allows the two respective energies between male and female to flow into good confluence. Not slovenly or crude in his habits, he is healthy in mind and body and his house is in order. What he possesses has a place and a purpose and is maintained in good keeping. This will naturally extend to caring for a woman who would be his flesh property.

But flesh alone is not only what is kept. The mind itself is the greater possession, and as such, must be brought to heel within sound confines built of clear rules and expectations. This speaks to a man’s ability to clearly communicate what he wants and enforce what he desires through the discipline of structure, a foundation of rules and ideas that are clearly expressed. Under the firmament of rules and clear consequences for transgressions, a woman will all the more easily come to know her place and feel secureness in it. Without structure in place, without an overarching framework of understanding between clarity and authority, a confusing abstractness slowly pervades, giving rise to a silent chaos and discontent. If you are to be a dominant male, and even more so a master, you must have a plan, a general understanding of where you wish to take your life in this regard, and consequently, hers. Charged with the authority you know is yours to have and command, you must lead.

Ending note

The advice given here is only a rough guide. Certainly, all that could be written on the subject is beyond the scope of a single article, but I truly hope that what was provided above has served well in some capacity to men who may just be starting to come into their own with dominance, or men who may find themselves unable to “seal the deal” with those lovely women who have true blue aspirations to submit. The search, especially today, certainly isn’t easy. The modern female is bombarded constantly with messages that she is above submitting to a man—that doing so is the way of the past. A glance in the eyes of many young ladies today reveals that haughty meme of the cool diva they have learned so well. There is so much vainglory, contempt, and deception in many women, even in those with the audacity to call themselves “submissive.” After everything I’ve written above, it must be kept in mind, also, that as a man of standards and of convictions, as a man of integrity and authenticity, the search for an authentically submissive female or a female with potential to be submissive in the contemporary age will be a trial. There are no shortcuts on this path. Women with the makings of humbled females are out there, indeed, but they are somewhat rare birds. Keep this in mind. Keep in mind, also, that beyond the study of philosophy and stratagem, another important part of finding your good girl is good old fashioned patience. Your wait may very well be shortened, however, by adopting and taking to heart the things mentioned above.