April 28, 2016

Acceptance

By Nina E.

Photo by Marc Esadrian

Acceptance in submission (and of one’s submission) can be viewed as a work of art that is never finished and whose canvas is the human heart. When thinking of subservient women, this word brings to mind a shimmering oil painting composed of intense, positive attitudes onto which each humbled female’s consciousness casts her own particular hues. Within that shifting, beautiful canvas there is, for instance, the warm glowing shade of simple accomplishment. This is what a devoted female feels when she attempts something hard that she’s been ordered to do and does it fully, without complaint or reservation. There is often the solid and secure awareness that she is exactly where she should be in life, exactly where she belongs. There may be a deep sense of gratitude that, due to lucky coincidence, she met the man that she now serves, this man who so perfectly meets her strongest emotional needs. Then there’s the incredibly powerful sense of emotional security that a woman who needs ownership and control feels when she is truly owned and controlled. There’s also the near-blissful experience of giving generously and unstintingly of herself, no matter how hard it is, knowing that her energy, efforts, and sacrifices help to make her man’s life better. Some women feel a cleansing release from the pressure of having to make all of the decisions in life. It feels so good not to have to steer one’s own course through the world’s dangerous and troubled waters. A woman’s acceptance of her chosen lot in life, to serve a man she worships, even if it’s not absolutely perfect (and what in life is?) is an emotional canvas comprised of many brilliant complimentary colors. Acceptance brings quiet and abiding joy, peace, and relaxation to formerly stressed, unhappy, or insecure women who once wandered lost through their alienated, self-willed lives.

Complete acceptance of whatever her man wishes may bring a humbled female temporary distress at times, but overall her satisfaction, sense of purpose, and happiness with herself will be higher than at any other time in her adult life. One nice thing about acquiescing to the will of the man in your life is that this is not an arcane science, difficult to master. Any woman serving a man in a personal relationship can practice simple acceptance and benefit from it, provided he is also on board with it and not an unwilling participant in her fantasy of submission. She can, happily and securely, work toward perfecting herself under his watchful guidance and control.

There are many women who genuinely want to learn more and better ways to serve and surrender. They reject the idea of secretly fighting their men at every turn while they pretend absolute obedience.

Acceptance is an intentional choice that one must desire with a sincere heart as well as regularly embrace and affirm it if it is to be both genuine and strong. Some women, however, are incapable of the even the simplest levels of self-honesty and desire for personal change that this choice requires.They are far more invested in  (one could even say addicted to) dramatic acting out of petty emotional theater productions that always end with themselves in the right and others in the wrong. Such emotionally ill females are incapable of even the simplest and easiest forms of personal honesty and self-criticism.  And if they imagine themselves to be submissive and giving rather than grossly self-infatuated, they take a very different route when interacting with men they claim they want to serve. Emily is one such woman.

Emily is a drama queen par excellence. Online, she is known by others as a deeply submissive woman who loves her master passionately and who is almost preternaturally obedient. Her blogs are avidly read and praised by inexperienced submissive women and dominant men, who take her subtly boastful claims at face value. She thrives on this attention and on maintaining her sterling reputation, which, like many online reputations, is constructed almost entirely of an impressive house of cards: word-pictures painted for the gullible who want to believe she is for real but will never observe how she actually lives or behaves. She manages her image very well in the kinky social media she interacts with and no one would suspect that this exemplary female who seems to know so much about surrender and obedience is actually a harpy in her personal life, utterly determined to get her own way at all times, no matter what the cost to others, particularly to the man she putatively serves.

While Emily literally lives online as a sterling example of female submission, in her private, offline life, she is one of those women who “manages her own submission.” Her idea of control is what her master is “allowed” to exhibit around her or order her to do; anything else is either ignored or fought tooth and nail, often with a great deal of subtle psychological manipulation. Emily and her older, doting master still live apart, as many couples who initially meet online do until time and fortunes allow for a closer union. She has schemes on the back burner to change that, although, at the moment she is still quite busy with conditioning her master to “truly understand” her sensitive soul.

This relationship is still relatively new and certainly not her first attempt at submission to a man. Sadly, no man has been truly dominant enough to master her, she feels. Her current master, like so many others she has met, seems remarkably dense when it comes to her sensitive feelings and needs and sometimes she must literally shove them in his face before he acknowledges just how wonderful she is and all that she does for him. Emily never fully admits to herself how manipulative she is being. With a devoted, subservient self-image that she never questions, she resorts to what can only be termed “base trickery” to convince her master of her worth to him. All of her emotional ploys are, at core, about controlling her master’s reactions, steering his attitudes in the directions she wishes, and eventually getting him—by emotional reward and punishment—to give her whatever it is she feels her wounded soul needs at that time.

Don’t get me wrong: Emily is not a traditional gold-digger. What she wants is 90% emotional: attention, love, fawning adoration, her master’s exclusive time, and his firm belief that she is the best (and only) woman in the world for him. Although she prefers to believe she doesn’t think in such “vanilla” terms, ultimately, it will be no less than marriage and monogamy that will satisfy Emily. Emily, sadly, pursues these ephemeral goals with a calculated single-mindedness that a potential gold-digger could actually learn a great deal from.

One common stratagem out of many that Emily employs involves inventing a false emotional crisis and then insisting her master must fix it because, after all, he is the one responsible for how she is feeling. This common trick has been used many times by untold numbers of women. A woman who desires something from the average man learns quickly how easily these emotional parries and feints work. Most men, for all of their apparent strength and rationality, quail at the idea that their woman might be feeling deep desperation, hurt, confusion, and despair because of something they did. Good-hearted, honorable, and fair, believing their partners are honestly expressing pain, most men will do anything to make the women in their lives smile again. The average female figures out how to play on this noble tendency pretty early in life. In order to make her deception believable, Emily becomes a sort of method actor. Even though deep inside she knows that the latest crisis she’s invented is all a lie, for a time she manages to convince herself that it is absolutely real, that she is actually feeling this intense distress. Not only is it the worst pain she has ever experienced, but only her man’s acknowledgement of her pain, his heartfelt apology for hurting her so cruelly, and his sincere promise to make it up to her will bring her out of this dark pit of despair that he has, through his blundering and selfishness, sunk her into. Often men wander through life, oblivious to the subtle emotional games women play with them, and attribute their own sadness and lack of peace despite significant personal achievement to some internal failing. Emily’s “master,” unfortunately for him (and, ultimately, for her), is one such man.

Emily alternates her bouts of deep, depressed angst with periods of intense, bubbling joy and seemingly heartfelt flattery. When she’s at the top end of the ever-turning drama wheel, she writes him love letters that puts conventional purple prose to shame. Emily’s master responds to these in a predictable fashion. They make him proud of her and of the fact that he “owns” this incredibly rare prize. Both her accusations of his wrongdoing and his eventual realization and acceptance of what he has done “wrong” exhilarate Emily and make her feel as though she is at the center of his universe, constantly on his mind. So she repeats this easy cycle, over and over again, and after each dramatic crisis her “master” becomes more concerned, more careful, more fawning, cowed, and more amazed at what a marvelous find he has.

While “Emily” is an invented character, a composite sketch based on many women I have known or observed, she is not at all uncommon. Because I was myself once something of an “Emily,” I can easily spot Emily types at work. Many a female cannot genuinely handle giving up control or accepting that a man is her ultimate authority in all things. For them, instead of a relaxing, joyous experience, acceptance of his will is a shameful defeat, or a fearful, nervous state in which they are convinced that they’ll never get what they really need without intense covert manipulation. But, at the same time, submission to a man seems so romantic and special! Just look at the men who are lovingly served by women: these males seem so happy with their girls, so confident and virile! And those slave girls, they seem so deliriously happy all the time! Desire to be something that they really aren’t or cannot be sets up a conflict in the minds and emotions of such proud, willful, and intensely greedy women. They don’t want to give up their emotional power over men, but at the same time some part of them wants the romantic experience of completely submitting to male power—that is, as long as it’s only inconvenient, difficult, or painful in their fantasies. Many, like Emily, settle for the easy compromise of appearance over substance. They deceive themselves—as well as their men. How can they deceive a strong, alert, dominant man? They can’t, of course, so, if they’re smart, they carefully select men they sense will be vulnerable to their wiles: men who, for their own reasons, desire the flattery these women offer and the status of being a master far more than the gratification that comes from the hard work of actually controlling another person.

Luckily, most of the people I am writing for, the people who will visit a site like Humbled Females without becoming outraged, those who embrace its message of male-led relationships being the best for both men and women, are not “Emilys” nor, if they are male, do they want to own “Emilys.” There are many women who genuinely want to learn more and better ways to serve and surrender. They reject the idea of secretly fighting their men at every turn while they pretend absolute obedience. Likewise, many men who are drawn to a site like this are determined to be strong leaders in such relationships and not fall for the common female deceptions that they see their buddies struggling with. Such people, I believe, are in the majority, at least among this site’s population. Still, those of us who are female can probably recognize a little bit of Emily inside ourselves. It’s not because we are bad people, it’s because we are female: it’s a part of our genetic inheritance. But unlike a club foot, deafness, or other physical impairment, emotional tendencies toward deceptiveness can be actively fought and even reversed as long as a woman sincerely desires to change and is capable of rudimentary self-honesty.

Photo by Marc Esadrian

“I feel like a GOOD person when I just accept whatever my master wants. For years, with other partners, I felt like a bitch from hell and hated myself for being that way.” —Nicole

For those of us who want to cleanse the inner “Emily” from our psyches (or at least put her under lock and key), there are a few basic principles of human psychology that, once we are familiar with them, make it easier to understand why acceptance is such an affirming and important choice for a female to make. They explain the basis behind how and why acceptance works, psychologically, to make ourselves and our men happier. Once a female serving a male grasps the psychological dynamics behind the fights for power and drama caused by nonacceptance and experiences the misery and dissatisfaction such struggles bring to all concerned, it becomes a lot easier to integrate genuine acceptance into her life.

For a woman who chooses submission, the inability to accept what the man in her life wants is often based on (1) faulty thinking and (2) unfamiliarity with a basic tenet of human nature. Let’s start with the basic tenet. This principle states simply that “desire is infinite.” No matter what you do, no matter how hard you strive, no matter how much you buy or how much is given to you, you are still going to, as long as you can think and feel, want more. That is normal human nature and it is not as bad as it sounds. Desires are at the base of almost all human achievements. They provide the energy that drives us to achievement, some of which may better the world for ourselves and for those around us. Desire is behind all of the good that we do—as well as the bad.

While I don’t think desire can be completely scrubbed from the life of most people, many can, if they want to, learn over time to step back from the latest thing that they desire and carefully examine the consequences of getting it or of continuing to crave it.

Desire is not greed but it can be easy to confuse the two. Greed is actually desire on steroids. There is a strong quantitative difference between the two emotions and it’s good to be able to distinguish this difference, because desire and greed have to be handled in different ways: what works for one doesn’t work for the other. This article is talking primarily about handling desires or wants, not intense greed. The latter is fueled by other energies such as insecurity and pride, and those things must be addressed first before one can make headway with greed.

Most people live their entire lives leapfrogging from desire to desire. This emotional habit starts very early, in childhood. It goes like this: We’re going along just fine, everything’s OK, but nothing is too special. Then suddenly there is a stimulus: we encounter or experience something fascinating, something new, and we think, “If only I had that object, that feeling, that person, that experience, I would be happy, content, fulfilled forever.” This thing, whatever it is, becomes the top priority on one’s A list. But have you noticed that after someone gets their much-sought-after “Item A,” whatever it happens to be, he or she is back, a few hours, days, or weeks later wanting something else? “Item B” is now the new shiny, the wonderful toy just out of one’s grasp, and one must have it, whereas Item A is now suddenly old hat, in fact, a bit boring. It felt so good to finally get it but now, for some strange reason, “A” no longer satisfies. If you think about your life, you can probably remember times in the past when you told yourself the same thing: “If I could only have this amazing object, person, career, trip to Tibet that I crave, I’d never desire anything else.” But did that really happen? Are you still truly satisfied and happy right now, in the present, simply because you got something you really desired ten years ago? Are you completely content, without a single new desire popping up or competing for your attention? Do you even find that once-amazing “Item A” interesting anymore?

It’s good to remember that desires are infinite and ever-changing: we’ll always have them for one thing or another and they will always seem necessary or even urgent. But when you realize that your current desperately unfulfilled desire is just going to be replaced by something else when it is filled, your craving for the next new thing starts to relax. There’s really no need for rushing or desperation about this, because you’re going to feel this way for the rest of your life: for thing, after thing, after thing, always replacing the current shining objective with something else. So why place such extreme importance on your latest “I must have this?” As soon as you’ve plucked this latest wonderful thing off time’s ever-moving conveyor belt, there will be something else delicious rolling along right toward you. If you think about strong desire in this fashion, as perpetual and cyclic, as an ever-recurring part of being alive and experiencing time, you can see the faulty logic in thinking, “If I only had A, I would be sublimely happy and never want for more.”

“I was amazed the first time I gave in, really gave in, to my husband during an argument I wanted so bad to win. At first I was crying bitterly, but as I cried I started to feel relief: the tears were washing away my bitterness, my need to win every argument, my need to control the relationship, even control the direction of my own submission. Suddenly I was able to let go of that tremendous burden of feeling like I had to run things—and I felt lighter than air.” —Lauren

The fact that desires are infinite has an important corollary: most of us enjoy, really enjoy, the tension of wanting something. For many, it’s what gives zest to life. We also deeply enjoy the few moments after we achieve what we want: the instant where the tension of needing this thing is released and the short period of relative bliss that follows. But, in general, we don’t enjoy simply having the thing nearly as much—at least not without the added frisson of stress or fear over losing it. Few possessed things require such additional tension, however, and so most people start, sooner or later, to take the good things that they have acquired in their lives for granted. We do this because most of us, to put it bluntly, are tension junkies: we secretly enjoy that hard, tightly wound-up ball of “constant craving,” of deeply wanting something that seems difficult or nearly impossible to get. We also greatly enjoy, even to the point of addiction, the instant high when the tension of neediness is finally released and we achieve what we’ve craved for so long. Although sometimes there is a letdown or disappointment that follows a great achievement, typically, the longer and harder we want something, the more delicious that instant of release. When observing yourself closely during these cycles, the tension-release cycle of desire can feel a lot like being a hamster in a cage, perpetually running on a wheel that goes nowhere. You desire something, you either get it or you don’t, but either way you soon desire something new. It’s an endless (and imprisoning) loop.

What stops most people from observing this is that they have become addicted. They crave desire’s tension and release intensely—although they often think they are craving a particular object rather than an emotional windup and release. From this idle, needling craving comes a great deal of the stressful emotional drama that adults create in their lives. Inside many adult bodies that are speaking so rationally and acting so politely is someone screaming and raging, like a purple-faced toddler rolling about on the floor because mommy or daddy wouldn’t buy her the candy she craved in the grocery store. Like that toddler, many such people will not stop creating scenes until they get what they want. Men’s “scenes” tend to be fairly straightforward: even if their desires are irrational, it is clear what they want. But a woman often cloaks her frustration and rage at not getting what she wants with a subtle, carefully constructed (albeit false) rationale accompanied by an initially acceptable and pleasing demeanor that is based on what she knows about the person she is trying to get something from—and what she thinks she can easily slip by him.

So, what exactly do we do with this bit of human psychology about desires, tension, and release? There are actually a lot of things we can do. For instance, those trying to become aware of their addiction to the tension/release emotional cycle will often ask themselves things like: “Do I really need this thing? Is it absolutely necessary?” While I don’t think desire can be completely scrubbed from the life of most people, many can, if they want to, learn over time to step back from the latest thing that they desire and carefully examine the consequences of getting it or of continuing to crave it. Will achieving this object or goal be useful to me or actively harm me? What about those I love? Does it further hinder any other important life goals? Does it this desire clash with or contradict other, equally strong desires that I have? And if there are clashes, which desire should get the priority?

“I love seeing how content my acceptance makes Him. Sure, it feels great personally to surrender to Him and accept anything from Him. I’m female, after all. But better even than that is watching his satisfaction in what he has molded me into.” —Amy

The ability to examine desires analytically rather than just blindly and intensely seeking to satisfy them is especially important to women whose control over their lives and particularly over which desires they can fulfill is, by the nature of their special relationships, more or less curtailed. The very fact that you not only can have some control over what you feel you want but can consciously reject a desire when it is important to do so, can be very exhilarating. It offers one a much clearer path through life. No longer does living have to be thrown off-kilter or progress halted due to random but exceedingly intense cravings that take over everything. For example, when it comes to a high-cost desire, you may very well find that, whether the currency is money, effort, or emotions, you can get that rush in so many other gratifying but less costly ways: eating an ice-cream cone instead of buying an expensive dinner out, purchasing a new book or a lipstick instead of begging your master for that $500 dress, renting a good movie instead of annoying someone who’s trying to work simply because you are bored, having a relaxing soak in the tub with candles and wine if you are stressed, and so on. There are so many other things in life to try, to explore, or make time for that are fascinating, fun, gratifying, that give you a rush of accomplishment and attainment, and are far less costly in material or emotional terms than a “big ticket” item. The trick is to imagine things you want but tend to put aside because they’re small and easily obtainable and then to gratify yourself with one of them. By satisfying the underlying desire to feel the tension of needing and then its release, we can get our “rush” of fulfillment from something far less costly—and be content for a while.

When in the grip of a strong desire, it can be hard to imagine how to lessen its hold. You want it and nothing else will do. One way to do this is to take a step back and look at all that is good around you, all that you have. Think of how amazingly lucky you are: you have health, food, shelter, possibly love, friendships, a job, intelligence, the leisure time to read an article like this one, and the relatively expensive electronic device needed to access it. The majority of people living in this world lack most of these things, but we, through an accident of birth and circumstance, have lucked out.

Now take another step back and see how your craving for tension and its relief sometimes hurts others around you. Is there any justification for causing someone else pain simply because you want something and you will not rest until you get it? Do you really need to be this selfish, is the thing at stake worth causing others misery? A common case in which this situation crops up, as we saw with Emily, is when a female creates a lot of unnecessary drama around the people she is close to, like inventing problems out of whole cloth so that the man she is supposedly serving will “solve them” for her (and thus, a part of her thinks, serve her). Creating drama is a rather dysfunctional exercise of desire’s tension/relief cycle because “desires” created with the ulterior motive (however hidden that motive may be from its creator) to stir up trouble are not natural or, in most cases, genuine.

“I used to tell myself all the time how great I was at accepting, how “surrendered” I was. I was so proud of being the super-submissive that all the other girls in my circle looked up to. But deep inside I felt like a hypocrite because at home, with my master, I wasn’t so perfect after all.” —Jasmine

Women who engage in regular drama with men they are close to sometimes do so because they are unable to move past the deeply romantic “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, when it eventually nears an end. Some females grow addicted to all the special attention the men in their lives gave them during this time of “court and spark.” When things settle down (as they should, so that the relationship can grow in new and, quite often, much better directions) such women, instead of waiting for this mature and much deeper stage to ripen, are unsettled, unhappy, longing for the excitement and thrills of the earlier romantic courtship phase. They wistfully desire to be new, mysterious, and unknown all over again, so that their every thought and word, however trivial, will be given special consideration. This sort of female, frustrated by no longer being the absolute center of her man’s attention, can invent violent emotional storms in an attempt to take center stage again. These inventions take many forms. They are seldom direct attacks. Often they take the form of  very subtle and seemingly self-denigrating manipulations—but they are still attacks on the man’s authority and ploys to get more attention paid to her. She may, for instance, angrily accuse a boyfriend of seeing other girls or liking other women more than herself, even when there’s absolutely no truth to that accusation. For her (and for him, if he’s not watchful) her intense emotion over this non-issue “makes” it true. Or she might accuse her husband of not loving her enough or caring about the things that are important to her. She may claim that with his demands for service, her master is holding her back from fulfillment, achievement, and personal growth. She may intentionally misunderstand what a man says, spinning it as a sly, ugly attack that he never intended, so that she can play the poor abused victim. She may insinuate that her man is bored with her or claim that he severely underestimates her intelligence, loyalty, or obedience. And, of course, there is the ever-present unspoken accusation, even if she seldom speaks of it directly, that he just doesn’t try hard enough to understand her.

The tension caused by a woman’s negative, dishonest indirect, and highly dramatic attacks on a man she is in a relationship with and the relief she (if not him) feels when he capitulates to her whims, accepts her accusations, and gives her what she wants, substitutes for what she sees as a severe loss of the attention and vanity-stroking that she once basked in during the springtime of the relationship. Acting out this perpetual tension-relief cycle only feeds her addiction for more of it. She may become calm and mollified for a while, especially if the man has worked hard to “bring her back.” All is quiet until she starts to feel a lack: he isn’t flattering her enough, listening as closely to everything she says, not following her “advice,” nor communicating with her as frequently as she wants. She broods over this, slowly, getting increasingly worked up as she does so. She conveniently fantasizes that something is terribly wrong—with him—and that it is up to her to bring him back (in line). And then, not too long after that, the next new thing to get extremely upset over pops into her mind. And so the drama wheel turns.

“I don’t know, really. I like to give in and just accept everything my man tells me to be, but sometimes I feel a little wrong about it. Sometimes I worry that if I don’t assert myself, I’ll never be able to survive on my own. But he’s slowly teaching me that accepting his will is not the same as mindlessness or stupidity.” —Melissa

And here’s where another type of faulty thinking comes in. In many cases, a female’s addiction to drama is brought about by her desiring too much from a dominant man, by her wanting much more than “just” a life of loving, devoted service. She wants it all, which often means a dominant man whom she can secretly control. She succumbs to greed, in other words. And what is greed? Desire on steroids, yes. Also a violent hot fire, often accompanied by the choking smoke of envy, which destroys everything in its path. Do wonderful, giving females who simply want to serve, really do this? Absolutely, some do, but not all of us. Some of us choose to struggle directly with our internal demons rather than dramatically project them upon others—and are actually winning the battles, one slow step at a time.

Acceptance is not just an idealized trait that a woman can imagine that she already has simply because she wants it to be so. It requires considerable awareness and patience to genuinely accept whatever your man gives you and not want more.

How do some women work on subduing their desire to cause drama? One really effective way to do this is by practicing acceptance. Acceptance involves, first and foremost, understanding that all females, including her and maybe especially her, are prone to this selfish, dramatic behavior. While it’s a relief to know you aren’t the only one with tendencies to act this way, it’s also rather humiliating to face the fact that you’re only female, with all of the weaknesses of our sex, not some special, superhuman angel immune to all of these tawdry games. A woman who embraces service may hide her propensity for drama from herself better than a woman who is completely unashamed of the way she uses and manipulates men. This can make the disease harder to root out, because we may start out blind to the fact that we feel and act this way: these ugly emotions are just not part of who we believe ourselves to be at heart. However hard it is for a female to admit, it’s only when she can see clearly how she feeds her addiction to the tension-relief cycle by causing others pain, stress, or sorrow that she has a chance of changing this ugly behavior. Once she is aware of that pattern, a woman can begin to learn both to tone down her greed for attention and to direct her need for tension and relief toward an objective that is positive—or at least relatively harmless.

Some women also need to realize that their tendency to make emotional mountains out of molehills causes their men to be constantly put out, unsettled, unhappy, never able to rest or relax. The sad result of constant drama cycles is that instead of a nutritious and bountiful harvest that nourishes both parties of a growing, maturing relationship, there will be nothing left after the fleeting blooms of Spring’s romance fade and fall from the trees. What little emotional fruit tries to grow during the long, hot summer of the maturing relationship will not be able to do so in the drama-heavy but strangely barren environment those females who are unconsciously addicted to attention tend to foster.

Acceptance is not just an idealized trait that a woman can imagine that she already has simply because she wants it to be so. It requires considerable awareness and patience to genuinely accept whatever your man gives you and not want more. In other words, acceptance is developed by slow, hard practice, not simply by telling yourself that because you now understand this concept suddenly everything will magically be different. It almost never is different if, despite the so-called amazing insights, one still does the same old stuff as before, so it’s important for a humbled female to stop repeating to herself that type of lie. There are no intellectual magic wands involved in this process. Understanding is almost always barren and ineffectual without hard experience, without actually going through what one claims from a safe, cozy distance to intellectually understand.

Acceptance is a difficult skill to master, but absolutely essential to a humbled female’s future happiness as a servant to another. Acceptance takes time, effort, and understanding to develop. It doesn’t happen overnight or even over a few months. But it is absolutely crucial that women who serve learn how to accept and be happy with everything they have been given, rather than constantly dissatisfied and whining for something more. The more restricted and controlled a woman’s life, the more she will need to learn, for her own happiness as well as for the continuation of the relationship, to simply accept.

Once a woman truly understands that desire is infinite and never ends—that it never becomes satiated more than a few moments, hours, or days, no matter how often it is fed—she can start to relax around it, start to see that her desires are not as serious and as pressing as she once imagined them to be. She realizes that she’s not going to die or suffer deeply if she doesn’t get exactly what she wants this instant—or even next week. She also cannot, particularly if she’s become aware of her tendency to cause drama, latch onto one single act of her man and imagine it, and only it, demonstrates devotion or care on his part (and a lack of it means he despises her). She may even come to the highly pleasing realization that she is the one who should be expressing devotion and care toward him, rather than demanding he give more and more demonstrations of homage and express ever more need for her.

Acceptance of servitude starts with acceptance of yourself. Nobody is perfect and certainly nobody is perfect at service. None of us are born to this way of living. Instead, most of us have to unlearn a lot of bad, old habits, such as obstinacy or a desire to manipulate others or even feeling “hurt” by the lack of attention we seem to be receiving from someone. As you live in a real-life situation where you are serving a man, you start to see how complex service really is. Superficially, it all seems so simple: he orders me and I obey. But each order comes within a context. Many orders you won’t mind obeying at all; others will be quite difficult or may seem overwhelming. Working through these difficulties means finding ways to surmount your baser instincts to rebel, resist, or make excuses for yourself and doing what you must without expecting or demanding any rewards in return. This is what genuine servitude is all about—and there are always new challenges. In fact, they never end. That is actually a good thing. Challenges both sustain and strengthen a servant. They “stretch” her by inspiring her to change in positive ways. A woman who becomes good at acceptance doesn’t beat herself over the head with every little failure. She understands that failure is natural and human. Instead, she tries to learn new things from each incident: What wrong ideas did I have that caused this to be so unpleasant? Why did I feel the need to be sarcastic or angry at him? Was doing what he wanted really worth all the fuss and drama that preceded it? How am I going to avoid this reaction in the future?

Losing to her male, conceding ground, admitting she is wrong and he is right: all of this feels so basic and so very right. It’s no wonder that she responds physically and in a most natural way: it’s very hot to be under a man’s dominance. 

Do you know what I mean when I say that while no man is perfect (just as no woman is), the man you are serving may be perfect for you? The average woman, who considers herself equal to her male partner (if not much more), is often acutely aware of his defects. Let’s face it, women notice details, sometimes positive details but often negative ones, and the average female who is dissatisfied with her role in life but doesn’t understand why will often blame the man she is close to for this dissatisfaction: if only he would take out the trash more, not leave his shoes lying about, take her out to a club or movie, or listen to her more carefully, she’d be so happy. Those of us who serve men will also notice that they are not perfect in everything that they do, but instead of blaming our dissatisfaction on them or on their habits, we adjust ourselves instead: we train ourselves not to mind these things so much, we “stop sweating the small stuff.” We often feel so happy and privileged, even, to be serving our men. We know that these little things really don’t matter, because the biggest need in our lives is being met by their control. Getting that deep need met is so soothing and calming that it makes the little imperfections that we notice pretty trivial in comparison.

“Acceptance feels to me like a cool breeze on a hot day in the desert! The desert is my controlling heart and the breeze of acceptance is the only thing that keeps everything within it from withering up and dying.”—Taylor

A wonderful part of acceptance of one’s servitude toward a man is in finding that you’ve become more forgiving of yourself and also of others close to you, particularly him. There are far more important things in your life to think about now than to speculate crazily about whether he’s out to get you. You now have a place, an identity that feels so good and so very solid that you no longer need the dysfunctional games that weaker personalities play to make themselves feel better. You are better, healthier, happier, and that expresses itself by a natural lowering of aggression and drama around others. Happy people are far too busy and involved in improving their and others’ happiness to develop the obsessions and engage in the drama that the perpetually miserable seem to love.

For those who yearn for a male-led relationship and feel that this is the only right way to live, acceptance can be incredibly erotic. Have you ever noticed that after you’ve conceded a major point to your man—apologized to him, accepted harsh discipline, felt humiliated or just been amazed by his wisdom—that you start feeling wet between your legs? Have you noticed that happening after a bitter verbal battle—which you lost? It’s a common reaction for women like us and at first it can seem a little confusing. A woman to whom this happens may wonder if she is eroticizing self-hatred or failure. But after a while she starts to realize she doesn’t get aroused if this sort of thing happens around other people. It’s only triggered by a certain person: the man who controls her. Losing to her male, conceding ground, admitting she is wrong and he is right: all of this feels so basic and so very right. It’s no wonder that she responds physically and in a most natural way: it’s very hot to be under a man’s dominance. Her sexual response has nothing to do with thinking she’s a nobody or stupid or evil; it has everything to do with realizing, once again, why it is she follows this glorious man. He is stronger than her, smarter than her in many ways, and far more aggressive and dominant than her. And that is so wonderfully erotic.

It is several years later and Emily feels great anticipation inside herself as she drives home from a shopping trip. She’s gotten everything she wanted. Although she doesn’t think of it in these terms, she has been training her master non-stop, and he now backs down immediately when she indicates the least bit displeasure or unhappiness over an order or even a request. Emily’s emotions run this relationship quite competently. She now lives with her master, he’s stopped seeing or even contacting other females for service (something he told her at the beginning was a part of his nature and that he’d always do), and a marriage date is set. He’s become cowed, fearful of making her upset, and so eager to please. And yet, getting what she worked so hard for is all strangely dissatisfying. Lost in her vanity and self-interest, Emily decides her master must be to blame for her current feelings of restlessness and being let down and she has come up with a delicious way to get him to regret his non-dominant ways that she once worked so hard to foster in him. She’s going to reveal to him that she’s been seeing another dominant man to get her needs to serve met, the needs that he so callously ignores. (This isn’t exactly true, but she’ll find someone quickly online if she has to prove it to him.) She’ll point out to him what a pussy he’s been, how he lets her walk all over him, and how his weakness disappoints and confuses her. She knows that when he repents and decides to take over the reins of control again in order to give her what she wants she’ll rebel even more crazily and violently than before until he is back in his place. Emily is thinking: “He’s hurt me so bad by being such a wimp of a man!” Although she won’t admit it to herself, she is feeling: “Oh god, what a fun way to ‘get him’ this is going to be!”

Emily drives into their garage and unlocks the door to the house. She calls, “Master? Master! Where are you?” She’s annoyed that he’s not responding: the game-playing jerk is ignoring her! She wanders from room to room. Finally she enters his “man cave” (the one room in their shared abode she doesn’t impose her personal tastes in décor on) and sees her master, lying crumpled on the carpet, his face blue, his chest still. Emily suddenly realizes, as her world starts to plummet around her, that the time for drama games is long gone. It’s the beginning of Emily’s rude awakening, of realizing how differently (and how much better) she could have treated him, how deeply she’s going to miss him, how hard it will be to live without his calm, positive soul always supporting her when she was scared or discouraged, how absolutely horribly she’s betrayed this good, honorable man, and, especially, how she’ll never be able to express to him how much she loved him and depended on him. A door in Emily’s life has slammed shut and she’ll live with her regret until the end of her days.

It may not seem like this to you right now, but in truth, time is incredibly short. There comes a time for everyone when years will seem to have passed by in an instant. It is the hope of this article that those of you reading this are already happy and accepting in submission to your men, or, if not, are able to find your way to a better, more fulfilling way of living before you experience, as poor Emily did, that it is far too late.


June 6, 2014

The Seven Steps

By Nina E.

female-women-steps of submission

Who This Is For

You sincerely wanted to be possessed by a man, not just by any man but by a strong, dominant man you could admire, respect, and even worship. So you ratcheted up your courage and approached such a man when he became visible to you, understanding that if you didn’t, you might never meet him—or anyone as good as him—as he’s likely not the type who chases women down. And, to your joy and gratification, he responded to you, he took your desire to get to know him and possibly serve him seriously. Now, while not “his” yet, you are beginning an exploration with him, or, as he puts it, you are “under his observation.”

So what happens next? You’ve won the prize, right? You’ve been accepted by the man of your dreams, you’ve done one of the hardest things in your life by approaching him first, and now all should be smooth sailing from here on end, particularly as he begins to realize, in turn, how much of a prize you are and how he wants and needs you. Well, maybe. In the heady rush of the start of a new relationship, many a submissive woman forgets that the hardest part is not over. She makes the fatal mistake of seeing this new relationship, perhaps with the first strong, dominant man she has ever encountered, as just like any other relationship: he’ll shortly fall in love with her beauty and purity or, at very least, become entranced with her feminine charms, while she just sits back and enjoys the romance, letting him drive.

What many a woman with submissive ideals who has become used to wrapping men around her little finger forgets is that a genuinely dominant man will expect a lot more from her than any other male she’s encountered. She hasn’t won anything at this early point in the relationship. In fact, she’s just begun a long and arduous climb up a hill of his making, a hill designed to test her mettle and determine whether she has what it takes to serve him truly and well.

This article talks a bit about the nature of climbing the hill of a strong man’s approval. It reviews the typical steps one must surmount in this climb, and also what might ultimately await both the truly devoted woman and the one who just imagines, out of vanity, that she is devoted, at each step up the path. Dominant men who are looking for information on how to judge the characters of submissive women might also find this article of use.

Who This is Not For

Every relationship is different, and some of us never encounter or even want to encounter a strict taskmaster, someone who we  know will enforce our obedience. Some women want a softer, gentler, more loving man: someone who dotes upon her, builds her up, and praises her rather than one who demands a great deal, expects near-perfect obedience, and uses her primarily for his own benefit and pleasure. Many a  submissive woman desires a daddy or at least a kindly “facilitator” to selflessly help her actualize herself far beyond what she could accomplish on her own: someone who will see her as far more than “merely” his female servant. If this describes you, that is fine, you should seek what it is you need, but this particular article probably isn’t for you, as the sort of man I will be describing in it is not the man you’re looking for.

But if you do have a craving to be completely controlled, owned like property, and used in whatever way a man might want to use you, you’re going to find that convincing such man that you have both a lasting desire for this extreme level of servitude and the ability to handle it is going to take some doing. To be quite frank, such a man has seen every type of female phony, every sort of cop-out and game, every possible demonstration of laziness, resentfulness, deceit, and pure feminine malevolence that exists, and he’s going to be quite hard to convince that you are not also of the same low quality of woman he has encountered in the past.

She should also consider that, unlike other relationships she may have had, she is the one who is going to be required to jump through hoops and “bow before awesomeness,” not him.

Paradoxically, men like this tend to be deeply attractive to the type of woman they abhor: an overly romantic, self-indulgent and utterly vain female who likes a “dark and mysterious” type because of how cool being with him makes her look. This sort of woman, however, instead of having a sincere desire to find out what such a man is really like, what he thinks and dreams, what he’s going to want from her, and whether she can serve him loyally and well, uses him as a prop in her “All About Me” drama. In her eyes, he’s just there to make her look and feel good. She projects her often self-serving and vain fantasies about her ideal romantic man onto a very inappropriate target and then becomes enraged or resentful when he doesn’t slot neatly into her leading man role; when he doesn’t fall madly in love with her in the time frame she thinks appropriate; when he doesn’t seem to care over much about her goals, passions, obsessions, or desires beyond where they enhance serving him; when he doesn’t do the typical guy things such as bringing her presents, initiating contact with her, liking her more than she likes him, ad nauseam. To garner the attention of such a man many a stubborn woman (despite being insulted by having to do this) pretends to be something very different from what she actually is: she pretends to prostrate herself at his doorstep and to be sincerely seeking to make him the center of her life. But he has ways of discovering such deceptions and, while I will talk about these methods later, the primary reason for doing so is to reassure those of you who are sincere that this slow, careful, methodical evaluation of you is not personal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. It just means he has to be careful because he’s been burned so many times before. So let’s look at what’s involved in climbing the stairway of such a man’s approval.

Ground Zero

Imagine yourself at the foot of a tall hill. Look around you. Is this a strong sturdy hill perhaps with a granite core that will not cave in or give way as you climb it? Or is it a weak, sandy knob, that gives and slips immediately as your footsteps imprint themselves upon it, causing you to slide back down to the bottom? When speaking of this hill, I’m talking metaphorically about the man a woman chooses to serve. Many a woman who thinks she wants to serve deeply or even be a slave makes the fatal mistake of insisting that the man she serves be controllable by her in various ways. Rather than leaving herself completely open to a strong man, she’ll insist that he be of a certain age or (this is a biggie) that he be monogamous, devoted only to her and not free to see other women or take other slaves as he pleases. She may insist that he be of the same religious persuasion or political party as she is or that he not engage in activities she disapproves of or that he have a good job or be of a certain social class or have other superficial characteristics not directly related to his ability to dominate a female. She may insist he honor her list of “limitations:” things she absolutely will not do. Such a woman almost always ends up choosing a man weaker than herself (weaker because he is willing to capitulate to her demands) and then becomes deeply dissatisfied with her “sandy hill” male later on when she realizes she can pretty much walk all over him and shape him—with tears, tantrums, and temptations—to be whatever she desires. Think a moment, before you start climbing the hill of service to a man: is this really a man you can respect for the rest of your life? Is he really capable of resisting any attempts by you to control or manipulate him? If you assess this wrongly and you really need to serve, you may find yourself very frustrated later in life when you discover you’re the one running this show, and that you’re pulling his strings like a puppet.

Step One

Assuming your chosen hill is hard and rugged, imagine now a steep stairway carved into its side. You very much want to ascend this stair because the higher you go, the more intimate you become with him through getting to see and know who he really is. But at the moment, this goal (and he, himself) may seem a bit remote and distant as your raise your foot to climb the first step.

Due to numerous encounters with duplicitous women, a strong and dominant man will typically be looking at the latest female to bow before him rather cynically and critically, no matter what her actual qualities might be. No matter how polite and interested he seems in her, he is going to be secretly wondering what sort of flake has arrived at his doorstep, what she is lying about or carefully hiding from his view, what illusions about herself she’ll be trying to spin, and how she will try to turn the power tables on him. He’ll wonder all of this because that is what he is used to seeing from woman after woman after woman in his life. A devoted female servant’s first step up that steep hill of a strong male’s acceptance is to be mature enough recognize that initially he may be a little suspicious and to be gracious enough not to resent that fact. It’s important to realize that his careful scrutiny is not a reflection on your potential, necessarily, but rather an indication of the sort of woman he’s typically had to deal with during the time he’s spent searching for servants. Very rarely does such a man find a female who sincerely wants what she claims to want: to serve him above and beyond all other goals. Normally, the women he meets mouth these admirable sentiments but actually have any number of ulterior agendas in mind.

Should a woman become outraged that such a man doesn’t instantly see what a wonderful, glowing treasure she is, it typically means one of two things. One, perhaps her ego doesn’t have the right sort of hiking shoes on to be attempting this level of climb. This is the lesser of the two evils because it is something that might be fixed with time, education, and dedication to change on her part. Or two, perhaps she is exactly the sort of unreliable and possibly deranged individual that this sort of man runs into so often but tries his best to avoid. A lot of people drawn to extreme servitude are so attracted because they are incompetent or even crackpots and they’ve latched onto the idea that living in this seemingly harsh, romantic way is an escape from all the personal-life messes they’ve created over the years. Anything that seems extreme or exotic always seems to attract the mentally imbalanced, and dominant-submissive relationships are not exempt from this general rule of life. If you are for real, a man’s taking it slow is nothing to be outraged over. It’s a sign of his caution and good sense. It’s a strange and sad reflection on these “females are perfect” times that so many women are insulted when a man like this doesn’t welcome them fully into his life after a brief but passionate courtship stage in which he bows humbly before their awesomeness, but instead insists upon a careful, lengthy evaluation of their personality traits. Such women are still thinking in tedious vanilla courtship/chivalry/soul-mate terms about a relationship that is very different from that traditional model and likely from anything they’ve ever encountered before. If a female tries to cram this sort of exotic, focused-on-servitude relationship into a safe, comfortable conventional-relationship box, she’s not going to like the results. She’ll succeed at doing so only if the male is a teddy bear in wolf’s clothing (a man secretly seeking a conventional relationship with an exotic, cool surface appearance). And then it is likely she will become, after a few years, one of those bitter, screeching harridans who angrily insist on BDSM boards that a master-slave relationship is just like any other relationship and anyone who says otherwise is elitist scum! In her case, sadly, she’ll be absolutely right (at least about the “like any other relationship” part) because she and her male counterpart have copped out. Neither one really wanted anything as extreme as absolute servitude and obedience. But the sort of man I am speaking of does want this level of extremity and will politely, quickly, and firmly show such a female to the door if she starts trying to spin the relationship in the safe, warm, flattering, fuzzy-wuzzy terms and practices she is most comfortable with.

A feminine manipulator is in for a great disappointment with the type of man I am describing. He listens to her words, he nods, he agrees, he even praises her for the prettier ones, but when it comes down to determining what she actually is, he looks primarily at her actions to see how they accord with the pretty words.

Thus, in preparing to meet such a man, a sincere woman who’s fairly certain she wants to live as a complete servant to a man, should think carefully about this statement: “Enough time” to evaluate me is when he says it is enough, whether that means one week, one month, a year, or even several years. She should also consider that, unlike other relationships she may have had, she is the one who is going to be required to jump through hoops and “bow before awesomeness,” not him.

Step Two

Unless the man is inexperienced or immature, it’s quite likely a woman may not even realize that such a hardcore and realistic evaluation of her nature is going on. He won’t be whining about all the terrible women there are out there, he won’t be insulting her, nor behaving as if he thinks she’s just another tiresome waste of time like all the rest. In fact, talking to a self-mastered man who is capable of mastering others, is, for most women, quite fun and gratifying. She will likely have no idea of how very carefully she is being assessed during his polite phone chats or email exchanges. The experience will be pleasant, smooth, easy sailing in these early stages and even if he’s already 90% convinced she’s not going to work out, he’ll hold out a while to make certain about the other 10%. He’ll be very easy to talk to, and he’ll casually and most subtly play out more than enough psychological rope for the female to hang herself with, if she’s not the sort of woman she claims to be. The second step on the hill of gaining a highly discriminating man’s acceptance involves keeping in mind that you are being closely watched on an ongoing basis, even if it doesn’t feel as though you are—and not getting too uptight about it. Relax. If a woman actually is what she claims to be and really wants what she says she wants, she need only be herself and all will be well. If, on the other hand, she is pretending to be something or someone she is not, well, she’ll likely enjoy herself during the first early weeks, but it won’t go much farther than that.

Some women imagine that, with their clever tongues and their ways with words, they can convince any man that they are whatever they want him to think that they are. Some women, perhaps more than you might believe, are absolutely convinced they are smarter, more emotionally astute, and savvier than any man they might encounter. A feminine manipulator is in for a great disappointment with the type of man I am describing. He listens to her words, he nods, he agrees, he even praises her for the prettier ones, but when it comes down to determining what she actually is, he looks primarily at her actions to see how they accord with the pretty words. He gives little credence to her descriptions of who she is and what she can do. Instead, he will expect her to put her money where her mouth is and prove that she can be who she claims to be, not once, not twice, but many, many times. This isn’t the sort of proof that she will be able to invent and present to him on a silver-tongued platter, by the way. He’ll devise the tests of her true nature, and, in most cases, they will be so quiet and unobtrusive that she will not even realize she’s being tested. A person who has been lied to over and over again learns how to find out what he needs to know without relying solely on another’s words. Those females who are sincere, those who understand the value of obedience and crave to serve this wonderful man they’ve just met, will likely pass such subtle tests with flying colors. A few women might realize their behavior is being observed and evaluated against their words but one would hope that, having had to perform similar tests to determine the mettle of the men they have encountered in their lives, they would be encouraged rather than insulted by such a serious inquiry into who they are and what they are capable of.

Steps Three and Four

This can be a tricky phase in the budding relationship with a dominant man. Steps Three and Four come at about the same time. The third step is to not think you’re smarter than the man you are trying to impress or convince. So very many women make this mistake. Even sincere women who genuinely want to serve can be guilty of assuming mental superiority because they are so used to running into men who haven’t a clue about women or how to handle them. But a female should know (or at least be able to entertain the idea) that an experienced, successful dominant man is a beast of a very different color. If he’s an ordinary man, she might succeed at running rings around him like she has so many other men in the past. But if he’s an experienced and smart man, familiar with the means of human control and the conduits of power, and if he is looking for a genuine servant whom he can control fully, a woman attempting to outthink him will just wind up looking foolish if she makes the assumption that she can do so. If she is too proud of her own intellect to accept that a man worthy of owning her will be able to mentally outgun her, then she won’t know what hit her when her deceptive plans fall to pieces. Her ego won’t be able to admit the truth, despite the evidence of her senses, that she’s been totally outmaneuvered in this particular chess game.

A lot of women do this: they part ways with a man who has clearly seen what they are and told them the game is up, all the while refusing to admit to themselves that he’s seen right through them because, you know, no man is capable of seeing through them so clearly! Sometimes a woman like this will even come back to him and try her same old “believe what I say, not what I do” game all over again. He just might play along—perhaps because she’s useful in the moment or her dishonest antics amuse him—and she will never fully realize with what contempt he actually holds her in or how he is using her for entirely temporary pleasures. Such a woman may eventually begin to wonder why, however, she never seems to get anywhere with him.

The fourth step to avoid stumbling over at this phase in the climb is being vain enough to think that you’re too good to be extensively tested or evaluated for genuineness. In a sense, this is a replay of Step One: not considering yourself above initial evaluation simply because you know just how good you are. But at this stage, it’s the ongoing evaluation that’s likely to be resented. Remember that he doesn’t know how sincere you are or how obedient you are capable of being. He can’t sniff that “Eau de Wonderful” wafting out of a woman’s persona nor assume she’s just great from whatever she says because most women he’s encountered lie extensively (whether to themselves, to him, or  both) about this.

Step Five

For a woman who really wants to obey and serve a man, his own need for caution and taking things slow will make perfect sense to her: the female’s opinion of her own specialness won’t be so huge that it blinds her to his need to proceed gradually with any unknown human factor in order to determine if she can actually walk the walk. She’ll enthusiastically and willingly demonstrate her loyalty, willingness, subservient nature, and her deep interest in him, and she will automatically do so even if she believes the things demanded of her are almost too trivial or unimportant to bother with. This behavior represents Step 5, which has to do with understanding that every command, great or small, issued to her from his lips is a sacred and responsible trust: one that she must demonstrate that she can keep by performing it in the spirit and to the letter expected of her.

“This is nothing,” some foolish females think when faced with their first easy challenges or a very minor demand. “I don’t have to do this! I’ll prove my true value to him when he gives me something more worthwhile or interesting to do, something more on my level.” Believe it or not, many women new to submission do not realize that this attitude represents rank disobedience toward the man they claim to respect so deeply and is a good predictor of habitual lackluster “service” or even resistance should they ever be required to do larger things. They don’t grasp that the way a female proves herself worthy of great things is in how she performs the little, seemingly insignificant things. Having resentment for being tested at all (“He should just trust me! Can’t he see I’m sincere?”) or being insulted by the smallness of the test are both mistakes that an inexperienced and unaccommodating female with too large of a self-opinion typically makes. In contrast, a woman highly eager to serve will be content with cleaning the toilet or taking out the trash, if that’s all he’s assigned to her, as she understands that the fact that she’s being allowed to serve in the first place is what  is important, not what specific service she happens to perform. And, while grateful if he pats her on the head and tells her what a good girl she’s been, she will not expect a reward or special treatment for her performance. When you are a servant, it’s your job to serve. Why should you expect constant kudos or special praise simply for doing what you said you’d do?

Normally, the master or otherwise dominant man will start with a relatively easy order. But a woman may come up with a thousand excuses for why she was late in doing it or why she didn’t do it at all. His requests may seem small, but in my observation, these little duties are more often failed or overlooked than any other, because the woman doesn’t take them seriously or doesn’t find them “interesting” enough. Finally, and this is a serious point to keep in mind, refusing to do the small things is one of those behaviors that tell a dominant man, without a question of a doubt, that he’s dealing with a serious level of flakiness in the female who has approached him. She’s not particularly concerned with his desires or welfare and this careless behavior, as mentioned before, is a very good predictor of her future actions and attitudes. It suggests that the woman is far to hung up on herself to think about another’s needs let alone to care that she is wasting her potential master’s time.

Step Five: Variations

“Tis many a slip twixt the cup and the lip,” goes the old saying, and while actually carrying out the order in the first place and within the time specified are two important concerns, there are other ways to obey incompletely or incorrectly. Some women, for instance, automatically assume that it’s up to them to dictate the “how” of their obedience. Let’s say the man she has approached orders, “Send me an email about your history and experience with other dominant men.” If she responds, “Sir, I’m far more comfortable with discussing this in person or over the phone,” she is disobeying his order. She’s indicating that she wants to dictate the terms of her obedience, that she wants to be in charge of how orders are carried out, despite the fact that he’s already indicated clearly to her his preferences in this area. This may well fly with a very lenient, laissez-faire “dom,” but it won’t be acceptable to the type of man I am talking about.

Another common error is to obey incompletely or in an entirely different manner than instructed. The male in charge may order his female to exercise, for instance, for 30 minutes a day, five days a week, and when asked how she did that week, she says, “Oh, I only got in four sessions, but that’s because I was super busy at work.” He may follow this up with “Well, why didn’t you mention that to me earlier in the week, when you got busy?” With a man who is serious about his dominance this question implies that, when under strict orders, unless it is a dire emergency, a good servant asks first before making course corrections or taking matters into her own hands, no matter how “necessary” those corrections may seem to her at the time. Assuming that she had the right to change his orders at her whim and without even discussing it with him first does not suggest she understands much about serving.

Another aspect of obedience that many men well worth serving pay close attention to is how well the female listens to the orders being given. It’s an unfortunate (and often hotly denied) fact of life that many women, even those with the best of intentions, have the attention spans of fleas. Such women have trouble concentrating on and really listening to a man’s words, and when they only half-listen, their imaginations later fill in the blanks with what they imagine he wanted, not what he actually told them to do. Usually this occurs because the woman is too busy thinking about herself, her own concerns or ideas, and allots only a small part of her attention span to what the man is actually saying. As a result, problems usually arise. She may throw his favorite sweater in the dryer when he told her to let it hang dry—and so it comes out unwearable because it has shrunk. She may neglect to stop by the store on the way home to pick up the cold cuts he wanted for dinner or bring home the wrong meat.  Some so-called “submissive females” compound the initial transgression by becoming angry and resentful when such errors are pointed out to them: “They didn’t have smoked turkey at the store and I wasn’t about to go to the next grocery in this traffic so he should be glad he got any meat at all!” a woman new to service may mutter to herself, if not directly to his face. Or perhaps, if she isn’t living with him yet, she stops writing him the daily emails she is supposed to write every day without fail. And once it’s forgotten one time, it becomes much easier to let it slide the next time. After all, he hasn’t made any fuss about it, so he probably doesn’t notice or care…right? (Don’t bet on it.) Sometimes this forgetfulness has a cause: resentment or laziness, for example, but, even if there’s no cause, it still indicates a person who is neglectful of her man’s desires. She has not made his desires a high enough priority. In a woman with the right attitude, such things can be corrected, but in other females, the corrections only lead to worse misbehavior and resentment. Watching how a woman responds to being corrected will tell an observant man a lot about her core nature.

But how well you straddle the tall sixth step answers an even more important question: are you really in it for the long haul? Do you have what it takes to obey responsibly, dependably, cheerfully, and passionately over time, when things aren’t so “new and shiny” anymore?

While the above forms of disobedience may seem commonsense to avoid, no-brainers for those of us with experience or discipline in other areas, they are indications in a new servant of a lot of often-unconscious willfulness that will need to be brought into check before genuine service to the male can be performed. Reducing such willful tendencies is a job both for the female who desires to serve and the male who wants to be served—it isn’t something the female should (again, willfully) take upon herself entirely without asking him first how to proceed. Most women who say they want to serve, strangely enough, never even reach the stage of discussing refinements to their obedience. They become angered when a man scolds them for the first time or shows his displeasure at their failing to carry out his orders in the right way. They feel he is asking far too much. (Of course, it stings to be chastised firmly, but a woman who really wants to serve understands that this is part of the package. She sucks it up and strives to be better in the future.) This other sort of woman, the one outraged at being corrected, is not cut out to be deeply submissive, let alone a slave. She often doesn’t know this about herself, however and it may take her a long time to get the message, because her ego refuses to sign for it. She may flounce off in a rage, cool down, think about it and then come “crawling back” (in quotes because this is usually just an act that masks a deep, malevolent “I’ll make him fall in love with me and then I’ll show him!” resentment) asking for a second chance (or a third or a fourth) and, if he is a patient man, he may even give her those chances. But he is now definitely on his guard against her because typically her initial behavior is a clear indication that, no matter how many chances she is given in the future, she will never be able to obey him.

Step Six

Initially, carrying out orders is fun and thrilling for a female who wants to serve. It’s brand new, it’s cool, it feel so good when she succeeds and he praises her, and the assignments are often interesting ones. But how about later? Weeks later, months later? Is she still going to be obeying this intently and enthusiastically? Will she still be going to the gym every day or every other day, reducing her calories, keeping her house at the level of cleanliness he expects, and so on? A newcomer to service will almost always swear passionately that she will do all of this forever. But not all females have the follow-through to obey day after long day, particularly if the services become routine and unvarying. The earlier steps up the hill give a potential master or dominant man a general idea of whether or not she can obey and to what degree she obeys—at least during a single instance of obedience. But how well you straddle the tall sixth step answers an even more important question: are you really in it for the long haul? Do you have what it takes to obey responsibly, dependably, cheerfully, and passionately over time, when things aren’t so “new and shiny” anymore? The way a woman answers this frequently unspoken question with her behavior will tell the man she wishes to serve whether this is a serious vocation for her (something all potential servants swear is true at the beginning) or just a passing fancy, no matter what she claimed earlier. Obeying over the long haul, past the time when she considers it to be a fun game, really separates the dedicated servants from the bored kinky girls just passing their time with something new. There are many ways to perform service-over-time tests, and each man who understands their importance will devise his own. The dominant man who doesn’t perform such tests is taking a big risk, as females often do change over time, particularly as they become more comfortable with him and his ways. Being able to observe such changes in a female before she’s completely enmeshed in his life is very important. It could mean the difference between long-term happiness or misery for both parties.

Step Seven

At the lower elevations of the hill that a female may have to climb in order to be accepted into a man’s service, the general steps of obedience are fairly standard and follow each other logically. But the higher one goes on this hill, the more individualistic the steps get. They start to represent an individual man’s specific desires and goals for his servant. The final general step that most females face at this stage in their climb has to do with their level of dedication and passion. In climbing Step Seven, a woman asks herself, “After all I have experienced, do I still want to go through with this? Do I still want to serve and obey this man’s every desire, perhaps in very difficult ways, for the rest of my life? Is service to a deserving male the most important thing in my life or are there other goals that are equally pressing, other things I want to do or even must do before I die?

There are many self-described dominant men and even self-titled “masters” out there who are a lot more lenient than the men I am describing. A more easygoing man may want his submissive female to grow and expand herself, achieving her own personal goals alongside serving him. But the sort of man I am speaking about here will absolutely demand that service to him be his female’s first priority. If she cannot put him and his desires above all other things, she won’t make the sort of deeply dedicated servant that he desires. A woman who needs various forms of self-fulfillment more than she needs to serve should seek the former out, perhaps alone, or perhaps with a different sort of man, and not expect that a strict dominant male with very high standards for obedience and service will be her personal growth coach.

The Top

The true satisfaction in service comes from the service itself, from the sacrifice it requires and from the love you feel toward the person whose life you are making easier and happier. To some of us, this is a glorious vista to behold and all the reward we could ever want. Other women, if they manage somehow by hook or by crook to reach this elevated height will look around and ask, “Is this all there is? Where’s my reward? Where’s my picnic at the top, my medal, my accolades, my permission to take it easy and enjoy myself from now on? Just what is in it for me?” I don’t think the second sort of woman reaches this rarefied height very often, as it requires tremendous sublimating of her true (selfish) nature to do so, but I have heard about other situations where women struggle hard, reach the top of the hill, are blissfully content for a while, but then later find out that they cannot deal with the consequences of their choice to serve a man completely, no matter what. They change or life confronts them with a challenge their deep love for service cannot accommodate. For example, what if the man that you served intimately in his home no longer wanted to live with you but desired you to keep working for him by generating income at a remote location while he moved a younger, prettier servant into his home? Could you, after so many years in his wonderful company, bear to part ways yet still remain his loyal, steadfast servant, financing his leisurely life with his new domestic slave?  Those few for whom service is the true reward could because in that situation they’d still be serving him,  still be making him happy, just in a different capacity.

Sometimes a change of heart in a woman comes about due to illness in one of the parties or some other serious life change that requires her to cope with frightening new circumstances. But at other times there is no shocking change. Sometimes a woman just grows restless, dissatisfied with her life. Service no longer seems like the ultimate reward it once was, the best thing to be doing in life, the most fulfilling role possible for a woman. She’s been there, done it, and now she’s bored.  Or, to put it another way, she loses touch with the sacred thread and, like poor Icarus, starts to fall back to earth and its beguiling call. Something in her cannot remain dedicated to the course of service and she breaks away because she needs to “fulfill other aspects of herself.” I have seen this happen with several women who formerly lived as slaves. It is tragic to observe. With each person I have seen this happen to, she ended up far less happy than she would have been if she had stayed the course, selflessly serving another with no thought for her own “personal fulfillment.”

A lucky few do stay the course. We live a life of service to a strong man until we die because have tasted the endless pleasures, puzzles, and fascinations that life has to offer and found them all to have a bitter aftertaste, somewhat hollow, and lacking something essential. They didn’t contain the nutrition we needed, a certain flavor or quality was missing. Only intense, self-sacrificing personal service to someone we love gives us that taste of heaven that we so long for. And so we remain, unless ordered otherwise, atop the hill of abject servitude to a man. The view of the glorious, dark heavens around us, I must say, is most exhilarating.