April 28, 2016

Acceptance

By Nina E.

Artwork by Brent Schreiber

Acceptance in submission (and of one’s submission) can be viewed as a work of art that is never finished and whose canvas is the human heart. When thinking of subservient women, this word brings to mind a shimmering oil painting composed of intense, positive attitudes onto which each humbled female’s consciousness casts her own particular hues. Within that shifting, beautiful canvas there is, for instance, the warm glowing shade of simple accomplishment. This is what a devoted female feels when she attempts something hard that she’s been ordered to do and does it fully, without complaint or reservation. There is often the solid and secure awareness that she is exactly where she should be in life, exactly where she belongs. There may be a deep sense of gratitude that, due to lucky coincidence, she met the man that she now serves, this man who so perfectly meets her strongest emotional needs. Then there’s the incredibly powerful sense of emotional security that a woman who needs ownership and control feels when she is truly owned and controlled. There’s also the near-blissful experience of giving generously and unstintingly of herself, no matter how hard it is, knowing that her energy, efforts, and sacrifices help to make her man’s life better. Some women feel a cleansing release from the pressure of having to make all of the decisions in life. It feels so good not to have to steer one’s own course through the world’s dangerous and troubled waters. A woman’s acceptance of her chosen lot in life, to serve a man she worships, even if it’s not absolutely perfect (and what in life is?) is an emotional canvas comprised of many brilliant complimentary colors. Acceptance brings quiet and abiding joy, peace, and relaxation to formerly stressed, unhappy, or insecure women who once wandered lost through their alienated, self-willed lives.

Complete acceptance of whatever her man wishes may bring a humbled female temporary distress at times, but overall her satisfaction, sense of purpose, and happiness with herself will be higher than at any other time in her adult life. One nice thing about acquiescing to the will of the man in your life is that this is not an arcane science, difficult to master. Any woman serving a man in a personal relationship can practice simple acceptance and benefit from it, provided he is also on board with it and not an unwilling participant in her fantasy of submission. She can, happily and securely, work toward perfecting herself under his watchful guidance and control.

There are many women who genuinely want to learn more and better ways to serve and surrender. They reject the idea of secretly fighting their men at every turn while they pretend absolute obedience.

Acceptance is an intentional choice that one must desire with a sincere heart as well as regularly embrace and affirm it if it is to be both genuine and strong. Some women, however, are incapable of the even the simplest levels of self-honesty and desire for personal change that this choice requires.They are far more invested in  (one could even say addicted to) dramatic acting out of petty emotional theater productions that always end with themselves in the right and others in the wrong. Such emotionally ill females are incapable of even the simplest and easiest forms of personal honesty and self-criticism.  And if they imagine themselves to be submissive and giving rather than grossly self-infatuated, they take a very different route when interacting with men they claim they want to serve. Emily is one such woman.

Emily is a drama queen par excellence. Online, she is known by others as a deeply submissive woman who loves her master passionately and who is almost preternaturally obedient. Her blogs are avidly read and praised by inexperienced submissive women and dominant men, who take her subtly boastful claims at face value. She thrives on this attention and on maintaining her sterling reputation, which, like many online reputations, is constructed almost entirely of an impressive house of cards: word-pictures painted for the gullible who want to believe she is for real but will never observe how she actually lives or behaves. She manages her image very well in the kinky social media she interacts with and no one would suspect that this exemplary female who seems to know so much about surrender and obedience is actually a harpy in her personal life, utterly determined to get her own way at all times, no matter what the cost to others, particularly to the man she putatively serves.

While Emily literally lives online as a sterling example of female submission, in her private, offline life, she is one of those women who “manages her own submission.” Her idea of control is what her master is “allowed” to exhibit around her or order her to do; anything else is either ignored or fought tooth and nail, often with a great deal of subtle psychological manipulation. Emily and her older, doting master still live apart, as many couples who initially meet online do until time and fortunes allow for a closer union. She has schemes on the back burner to change that, although, at the moment she is still quite busy with conditioning her master to “truly understand” her sensitive soul.

This relationship is still relatively new and certainly not her first attempt at submission to a man. Sadly, no man has been truly dominant enough to master her, she feels. Her current master, like so many others she has met, seems remarkably dense when it comes to her sensitive feelings and needs and sometimes she must literally shove them in his face before he acknowledges just how wonderful she is and all that she does for him. Emily never fully admits to herself how manipulative she is being. With a devoted, subservient self-image that she never questions, she resorts to what can only be termed “base trickery” to convince her master of her worth to him. All of her emotional ploys are, at core, about controlling her master’s reactions, steering his attitudes in the directions she wishes, and eventually getting him—by emotional reward and punishment—to give her whatever it is she feels her wounded soul needs at that time.

Don’t get me wrong: Emily is not a traditional gold-digger. What she wants is 90% emotional: attention, love, fawning adoration, her master’s exclusive time, and his firm belief that she is the best (and only) woman in the world for him. Although she prefers to believe she doesn’t think in such “vanilla” terms, ultimately, it will be no less than marriage and monogamy that will satisfy Emily. Emily, sadly, pursues these ephemeral goals with a calculated single-mindedness that a potential gold-digger could actually learn a great deal from.

One common stratagem out of many that Emily employs involves inventing a false emotional crisis and then insisting her master must fix it because, after all, he is the one responsible for how she is feeling. This common trick has been used many times by untold numbers of women. A woman who desires something from the average man learns quickly how easily these emotional parries and feints work. Most men, for all of their apparent strength and rationality, quail at the idea that their woman might be feeling deep desperation, hurt, confusion, and despair because of something they did. Good-hearted, honorable, and fair, believing their partners are honestly expressing pain, most men will do anything to make the women in their lives smile again. The average female figures out how to play on this noble tendency pretty early in life. In order to make her deception believable, Emily becomes a sort of method actor. Even though deep inside she knows that the latest crisis she’s invented is all a lie, for a time she manages to convince herself that it is absolutely real, that she is actually feeling this intense distress. Not only is it the worst pain she has ever experienced, but only her man’s acknowledgement of her pain, his heartfelt apology for hurting her so cruelly, and his sincere promise to make it up to her will bring her out of this dark pit of despair that he has, through his blundering and selfishness, sunk her into. Often men wander through life, oblivious to the subtle emotional games women play with them, and attribute their own sadness and lack of peace despite significant personal achievement to some internal failing. Emily’s “master,” unfortunately for him (and, ultimately, for her), is one such man.

Emily alternates her bouts of deep, depressed angst with periods of intense, bubbling joy and seemingly heartfelt flattery. When she’s at the top end of the ever-turning drama wheel, she writes him love letters that puts conventional purple prose to shame. Emily’s master responds to these in a predictable fashion. They make him proud of her and of the fact that he “owns” this incredibly rare prize. Both her accusations of his wrongdoing and his eventual realization and acceptance of what he has done “wrong” exhilarate Emily and make her feel as though she is at the center of his universe, constantly on his mind. So she repeats this easy cycle, over and over again, and after each dramatic crisis her “master” becomes more concerned, more careful, more fawning, cowed, and more amazed at what a marvelous find he has.

While “Emily” is an invented character, a composite sketch based on many women I have known or observed, she is not at all uncommon. Because I was myself once something of an “Emily,” I can easily spot Emily types at work. Many a female cannot genuinely handle giving up control or accepting that a man is her ultimate authority in all things. For them, instead of a relaxing, joyous experience, acceptance of his will is a shameful defeat, or a fearful, nervous state in which they are convinced that they’ll never get what they really need without intense covert manipulation. But, at the same time, submission to a man seems so romantic and special! Just look at the men who are lovingly served by women: these males seem so happy with their girls, so confident and virile! And those slave girls, they seem so deliriously happy all the time! Desire to be something that they really aren’t or cannot be sets up a conflict in the minds and emotions of such proud, willful, and intensely greedy women. They don’t want to give up their emotional power over men, but at the same time some part of them wants the romantic experience of completely submitting to male power—that is, as long as it’s only inconvenient, difficult, or painful in their fantasies. Many, like Emily, settle for the easy compromise of appearance over substance. They deceive themselves—as well as their men. How can they deceive a strong, alert, dominant man? They can’t, of course, so, if they’re smart, they carefully select men they sense will be vulnerable to their wiles: men who, for their own reasons, desire the flattery these women offer and the status of being a master far more than the gratification that comes from the hard work of actually controlling another person.

Luckily, most of the people I am writing for, the people who will visit a site like Humbled Females without becoming outraged, those who embrace its message of male-led relationships being the best for both men and women, are not “Emilys” nor, if they are male, do they want to own “Emilys.” There are many women who genuinely want to learn more and better ways to serve and surrender. They reject the idea of secretly fighting their men at every turn while they pretend absolute obedience. Likewise, many men who are drawn to a site like this are determined to be strong leaders in such relationships and not fall for the common female deceptions that they see their buddies struggling with. Such people, I believe, are in the majority, at least among this site’s population. Still, those of us who are female can probably recognize a little bit of Emily inside ourselves. It’s not because we are bad people, it’s because we are female: it’s a part of our genetic inheritance. But unlike a club foot, deafness, or other physical impairment, emotional tendencies toward deceptiveness can be actively fought and even reversed as long as a woman sincerely desires to change and is capable of rudimentary self-honesty.

“I feel like a GOOD person when I just accept whatever my master wants. For years, with other partners, I felt like a bitch from hell and hated myself for being that way.” —Nicole

For those of us who want to cleanse the inner “Emily” from our psyches (or at least put her under lock and key), there are a few basic principles of human psychology that, once we are familiar with them, make it easier to understand why acceptance is such an affirming and important choice for a female to make. They explain the basis behind how and why acceptance works, psychologically, to make ourselves and our men happier. Once a female serving a male grasps the psychological dynamics behind the fights for power and drama caused by nonacceptance and experiences the misery and dissatisfaction such struggles bring to all concerned, it becomes a lot easier to integrate genuine acceptance into her life.

For a woman who chooses submission, the inability to accept what the man in her life wants is often based on (1) faulty thinking and (2) unfamiliarity with a basic tenet of human nature. Let’s start with the basic tenet. This principle states simply that “desire is infinite.” No matter what you do, no matter how hard you strive, no matter how much you buy or how much is given to you, you are still going to, as long as you can think and feel, want more. That is normal human nature and it is not as bad as it sounds. Desires are at the base of almost all human achievements. They provide the energy that drives us to achievement, some of which may better the world for ourselves and for those around us. Desire is behind all of the good that we do—as well as the bad.

While I don’t think desire can be completely scrubbed from the life of most people, many can, if they want to, learn over time to step back from the latest thing that they desire and carefully examine the consequences of getting it or of continuing to crave it.

Desire is not greed but it can be easy to confuse the two. Greed is actually desire on steroids. There is a strong quantitative difference between the two emotions and it’s good to be able to distinguish this difference, because desire and greed have to be handled in different ways: what works for one doesn’t work for the other. This article is talking primarily about handling desires or wants, not intense greed. The latter is fueled by other energies such as insecurity and pride, and those things must be addressed first before one can make headway with greed.

Most people live their entire lives leapfrogging from desire to desire. This emotional habit starts very early, in childhood. It goes like this: We’re going along just fine, everything’s OK, but nothing is too special. Then suddenly there is a stimulus: we encounter or experience something fascinating, something new, and we think, “If only I had that object, that feeling, that person, that experience, I would be happy, content, fulfilled forever.” This thing, whatever it is, becomes the top priority on one’s A list. But have you noticed that after someone gets their much-sought-after “Item A,” whatever it happens to be, he or she is back, a few hours, days, or weeks later wanting something else? “Item B” is now the new shiny, the wonderful toy just out of one’s grasp, and one must have it, whereas Item A is now suddenly old hat, in fact, a bit boring. It felt so good to finally get it but now, for some strange reason, “A” no longer satisfies. If you think about your life, you can probably remember times in the past when you told yourself the same thing: “If I could only have this amazing object, person, career, trip to Tibet that I crave, I’d never desire anything else.” But did that really happen? Are you still truly satisfied and happy right now, in the present, simply because you got something you really desired ten years ago? Are you completely content, without a single new desire popping up or competing for your attention? Do you even find that once-amazing “Item A” interesting anymore?

It’s good to remember that desires are infinite and ever-changing: we’ll always have them for one thing or another and they will always seem necessary or even urgent. But when you realize that your current desperately unfulfilled desire is just going to be replaced by something else when it is filled, your craving for the next new thing starts to relax. There’s really no need for rushing or desperation about this, because you’re going to feel this way for the rest of your life: for thing, after thing, after thing, always replacing the current shining objective with something else. So why place such extreme importance on your latest “I must have this?” As soon as you’ve plucked this latest wonderful thing off time’s ever-moving conveyor belt, there will be something else delicious rolling along right toward you. If you think about strong desire in this fashion, as perpetual and cyclic, as an ever-recurring part of being alive and experiencing time, you can see the faulty logic in thinking, “If I only had A, I would be sublimely happy and never want for more.”

“I was amazed the first time I gave in, really gave in, to my husband during an argument I wanted so bad to win. At first I was crying bitterly, but as I cried I started to feel relief: the tears were washing away my bitterness, my need to win every argument, my need to control the relationship, even control the direction of my own submission. Suddenly I was able to let go of that tremendous burden of feeling like I had to run things—and I felt lighter than air.” —Lauren

The fact that desires are infinite has an important corollary: most of us enjoy, really enjoy, the tension of wanting something. For many, it’s what gives zest to life. We also deeply enjoy the few moments after we achieve what we want: the instant where the tension of needing this thing is released and the short period of relative bliss that follows. But, in general, we don’t enjoy simply having the thing nearly as much—at least not without the added frisson of stress or fear over losing it. Few possessed things require such additional tension, however, and so most people start, sooner or later, to take the good things that they have acquired in their lives for granted. We do this because most of us, to put it bluntly, are tension junkies: we secretly enjoy that hard, tightly wound-up ball of “constant craving,” of deeply wanting something that seems difficult or nearly impossible to get. We also greatly enjoy, even to the point of addiction, the instant high when the tension of neediness is finally released and we achieve what we’ve craved for so long. Although sometimes there is a letdown or disappointment that follows a great achievement, typically, the longer and harder we want something, the more delicious that instant of release. When observing yourself closely during these cycles, the tension-release cycle of desire can feel a lot like being a hamster in a cage, perpetually running on a wheel that goes nowhere. You desire something, you either get it or you don’t, but either way you soon desire something new. It’s an endless (and imprisoning) loop.

What stops most people from observing this is that they have become addicted. They crave desire’s tension and release intensely—although they often think they are craving a particular object rather than an emotional windup and release. From this idle, needling craving comes a great deal of the stressful emotional drama that adults create in their lives. Inside many adult bodies that are speaking so rationally and acting so politely is someone screaming and raging, like a purple-faced toddler rolling about on the floor because mommy or daddy wouldn’t buy her the candy she craved in the grocery store. Like that toddler, many such people will not stop creating scenes until they get what they want. Men’s “scenes” tend to be fairly straightforward: even if their desires are irrational, it is clear what they want. But a woman often cloaks her frustration and rage at not getting what she wants with a subtle, carefully constructed (albeit false) rationale accompanied by an initially acceptable and pleasing demeanor that is based on what she knows about the person she is trying to get something from—and what she thinks she can easily slip by him.

So, what exactly do we do with this bit of human psychology about desires, tension, and release? There are actually a lot of things we can do. For instance, those trying to become aware of their addiction to the tension/release emotional cycle will often ask themselves things like: “Do I really need this thing? Is it absolutely necessary?” While I don’t think desire can be completely scrubbed from the life of most people, many can, if they want to, learn over time to step back from the latest thing that they desire and carefully examine the consequences of getting it or of continuing to crave it. Will achieving this object or goal be useful to me or actively harm me? What about those I love? Does it further hinder any other important life goals? Does it this desire clash with or contradict other, equally strong desires that I have? And if there are clashes, which desire should get the priority?

“I love seeing how content my acceptance makes Him. Sure, it feels great personally to surrender to Him and accept anything from Him. I’m female, after all. But better even than that is watching his satisfaction in what he has molded me into.” —Amy

The ability to examine desires analytically rather than just blindly and intensely seeking to satisfy them is especially important to women whose control over their lives and particularly over which desires they can fulfill is, by the nature of their special relationships, more or less curtailed. The very fact that you not only can have some control over what you feel you want but can consciously reject a desire when it is important to do so, can be very exhilarating. It offers one a much clearer path through life. No longer does living have to be thrown off-kilter or progress halted due to random but exceedingly intense cravings that take over everything. For example, when it comes to a high-cost desire, you may very well find that, whether the currency is money, effort, or emotions, you can get that rush in so many other gratifying but less costly ways: eating an ice-cream cone instead of buying an expensive dinner out, purchasing a new book or a lipstick instead of begging your master for that $500 dress, renting a good movie instead of annoying someone who’s trying to work simply because you are bored, having a relaxing soak in the tub with candles and wine if you are stressed, and so on. There are so many other things in life to try, to explore, or make time for that are fascinating, fun, gratifying, that give you a rush of accomplishment and attainment, and are far less costly in material or emotional terms than a “big ticket” item. The trick is to imagine things you want but tend to put aside because they’re small and easily obtainable and then to gratify yourself with one of them. By satisfying the underlying desire to feel the tension of needing and then its release, we can get our “rush” of fulfillment from something far less costly—and be content for a while.

When in the grip of a strong desire, it can be hard to imagine how to lessen its hold. You want it and nothing else will do. One way to do this is to take a step back and look at all that is good around you, all that you have. Think of how amazingly lucky you are: you have health, food, shelter, possibly love, friendships, a job, intelligence, the leisure time to read an article like this one, and the relatively expensive electronic device needed to access it. The majority of people living in this world lack most of these things, but we, through an accident of birth and circumstance, have lucked out.

Now take another step back and see how your craving for tension and its relief sometimes hurts others around you. Is there any justification for causing someone else pain simply because you want something and you will not rest until you get it? Do you really need to be this selfish, is the thing at stake worth causing others misery? A common case in which this situation crops up, as we saw with Emily, is when a female creates a lot of unnecessary drama around the people she is close to, like inventing problems out of whole cloth so that the man she is supposedly serving will “solve them” for her (and thus, a part of her thinks, serve her). Creating drama is a rather dysfunctional exercise of desire’s tension/relief cycle because “desires” created with the ulterior motive (however hidden that motive may be from its creator) to stir up trouble are not natural or, in most cases, genuine.

“I used to tell myself all the time how great I was at accepting, how “surrendered” I was. I was so proud of being the super-submissive that all the other girls in my circle looked up to. But deep inside I felt like a hypocrite because at home, with my master, I wasn’t so perfect after all.” —Jasmine

Women who engage in regular drama with men they are close to sometimes do so because they are unable to move past the deeply romantic “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, when it eventually nears an end. Some females grow addicted to all the special attention the men in their lives gave them during this time of “court and spark.” When things settle down (as they should, so that the relationship can grow in new and, quite often, much better directions) such women, instead of waiting for this mature and much deeper stage to ripen, are unsettled, unhappy, longing for the excitement and thrills of the earlier romantic courtship phase. They wistfully desire to be new, mysterious, and unknown all over again, so that their every thought and word, however trivial, will be given special consideration. This sort of female, frustrated by no longer being the absolute center of her man’s attention, can invent violent emotional storms in an attempt to take center stage again. These inventions take many forms. They are seldom direct attacks. Often they take the form of  very subtle and seemingly self-denigrating manipulations—but they are still attacks on the man’s authority and ploys to get more attention paid to her. She may, for instance, angrily accuse a boyfriend of seeing other girls or liking other women more than herself, even when there’s absolutely no truth to that accusation. For her (and for him, if he’s not watchful) her intense emotion over this non-issue “makes” it true. Or she might accuse her husband of not loving her enough or caring about the things that are important to her. She may claim that with his demands for service, her master is holding her back from fulfillment, achievement, and personal growth. She may intentionally misunderstand what a man says, spinning it as a sly, ugly attack that he never intended, so that she can play the poor abused victim. She may insinuate that her man is bored with her or claim that he severely underestimates her intelligence, loyalty, or obedience. And, of course, there is the ever-present unspoken accusation, even if she seldom speaks of it directly, that he just doesn’t try hard enough to understand her.

The tension caused by a woman’s negative, dishonest indirect, and highly dramatic attacks on a man she is in a relationship with and the relief she (if not him) feels when he capitulates to her whims, accepts her accusations, and gives her what she wants, substitutes for what she sees as a severe loss of the attention and vanity-stroking that she once basked in during the springtime of the relationship. Acting out this perpetual tension-relief cycle only feeds her addiction for more of it. She may become calm and mollified for a while, especially if the man has worked hard to “bring her back.” All is quiet until she starts to feel a lack: he isn’t flattering her enough, listening as closely to everything she says, not following her “advice,” nor communicating with her as frequently as she wants. She broods over this, slowly, getting increasingly worked up as she does so. She conveniently fantasizes that something is terribly wrong—with him—and that it is up to her to bring him back (in line). And then, not too long after that, the next new thing to get extremely upset over pops into her mind. And so the drama wheel turns.

“I don’t know, really. I like to give in and just accept everything my man tells me to be, but sometimes I feel a little wrong about it. Sometimes I worry that if I don’t assert myself, I’ll never be able to survive on my own. But he’s slowly teaching me that accepting his will is not the same as mindlessness or stupidity.” —Melissa

And here’s where another type of faulty thinking comes in. In many cases, a female’s addiction to drama is brought about by her desiring too much from a dominant man, by her wanting much more than “just” a life of loving, devoted service. She wants it all, which often means a dominant man whom she can secretly control. She succumbs to greed, in other words. And what is greed? Desire on steroids, yes. Also a violent hot fire, often accompanied by the choking smoke of envy, which destroys everything in its path. Do wonderful, giving females who simply want to serve, really do this? Absolutely, some do, but not all of us. Some of us choose to struggle directly with our internal demons rather than dramatically project them upon others—and are actually winning the battles, one slow step at a time.

Acceptance is not just an idealized trait that a woman can imagine that she already has simply because she wants it to be so. It requires considerable awareness and patience to genuinely accept whatever your man gives you and not want more.

How do some women work on subduing their desire to cause drama? One really effective way to do this is by practicing acceptance. Acceptance involves, first and foremost, understanding that all females, including her and maybe especially her, are prone to this selfish, dramatic behavior. While it’s a relief to know you aren’t the only one with tendencies to act this way, it’s also rather humiliating to face the fact that you’re only female, with all of the weaknesses of our sex, not some special, superhuman angel immune to all of these tawdry games. A woman who embraces service may hide her propensity for drama from herself better than a woman who is completely unashamed of the way she uses and manipulates men. This can make the disease harder to root out, because we may start out blind to the fact that we feel and act this way: these ugly emotions are just not part of who we believe ourselves to be at heart. However hard it is for a female to admit, it’s only when she can see clearly how she feeds her addiction to the tension-relief cycle by causing others pain, stress, or sorrow that she has a chance of changing this ugly behavior. Once she is aware of that pattern, a woman can begin to learn both to tone down her greed for attention and to direct her need for tension and relief toward an objective that is positive—or at least relatively harmless.

Some women also need to realize that their tendency to make emotional mountains out of molehills causes their men to be constantly put out, unsettled, unhappy, never able to rest or relax. The sad result of constant drama cycles is that instead of a nutritious and bountiful harvest that nourishes both parties of a growing, maturing relationship, there will be nothing left after the fleeting blooms of Spring’s romance fade and fall from the trees. What little emotional fruit tries to grow during the long, hot summer of the maturing relationship will not be able to do so in the drama-heavy but strangely barren environment those females who are unconsciously addicted to attention tend to foster.

Acceptance is not just an idealized trait that a woman can imagine that she already has simply because she wants it to be so. It requires considerable awareness and patience to genuinely accept whatever your man gives you and not want more. In other words, acceptance is developed by slow, hard practice, not simply by telling yourself that because you now understand this concept suddenly everything will magically be different. It almost never is different if, despite the so-called amazing insights, one still does the same old stuff as before, so it’s important for a humbled female to stop repeating to herself that type of lie. There are no intellectual magic wands involved in this process. Understanding is almost always barren and ineffectual without hard experience, without actually going through what one claims from a safe, cozy distance to intellectually understand.

Acceptance is a difficult skill to master, but absolutely essential to a humbled female’s future happiness as a servant to another. Acceptance takes time, effort, and understanding to develop. It doesn’t happen overnight or even over a few months. But it is absolutely crucial that women who serve learn how to accept and be happy with everything they have been given, rather than constantly dissatisfied and whining for something more. The more restricted and controlled a woman’s life, the more she will need to learn, for her own happiness as well as for the continuation of the relationship, to simply accept.

Once a woman truly understands that desire is infinite and never ends—that it never becomes satiated more than a few moments, hours, or days, no matter how often it is fed—she can start to relax around it, start to see that her desires are not as serious and as pressing as she once imagined them to be. She realizes that she’s not going to die or suffer deeply if she doesn’t get exactly what she wants this instant—or even next week. She also cannot, particularly if she’s become aware of her tendency to cause drama, latch onto one single act of her man and imagine it, and only it, demonstrates devotion or care on his part (and a lack of it means he despises her). She may even come to the highly pleasing realization that she is the one who should be expressing devotion and care toward him, rather than demanding he give more and more demonstrations of homage and express ever more need for her.

Acceptance of servitude starts with acceptance of yourself. Nobody is perfect and certainly nobody is perfect at service. None of us are born to this way of living. Instead, most of us have to unlearn a lot of bad, old habits, such as obstinacy or a desire to manipulate others or even feeling “hurt” by the lack of attention we seem to be receiving from someone. As you live in a real-life situation where you are serving a man, you start to see how complex service really is. Superficially, it all seems so simple: he orders me and I obey. But each order comes within a context. Many orders you won’t mind obeying at all; others will be quite difficult or may seem overwhelming. Working through these difficulties means finding ways to surmount your baser instincts to rebel, resist, or make excuses for yourself and doing what you must without expecting or demanding any rewards in return. This is what genuine servitude is all about—and there are always new challenges. In fact, they never end. That is actually a good thing. Challenges both sustain and strengthen a servant. They “stretch” her by inspiring her to change in positive ways. A woman who becomes good at acceptance doesn’t beat herself over the head with every little failure. She understands that failure is natural and human. Instead, she tries to learn new things from each incident: What wrong ideas did I have that caused this to be so unpleasant? Why did I feel the need to be sarcastic or angry at him? Was doing what he wanted really worth all the fuss and drama that preceded it? How am I going to avoid this reaction in the future?

Losing to her male, conceding ground, admitting she is wrong and he is right: all of this feels so basic and so very right. It’s no wonder that she responds physically and in a most natural way: it’s very hot to be under a man’s dominance. 

Do you know what I mean when I say that while no man is perfect (just as no woman is), the man you are serving may be perfect for you? The average woman, who considers herself equal to her male partner (if not much more), is often acutely aware of his defects. Let’s face it, women notice details, sometimes positive details but often negative ones, and the average female who is dissatisfied with her role in life but doesn’t understand why will often blame the man she is close to for this dissatisfaction: if only he would take out the trash more, not leave his shoes lying about, take her out to a club or movie, or listen to her more carefully, she’d be so happy. Those of us who serve men will also notice that they are not perfect in everything that they do, but instead of blaming our dissatisfaction on them or on their habits, we adjust ourselves instead: we train ourselves not to mind these things so much, we “stop sweating the small stuff.” We often feel so happy and privileged, even, to be serving our men. We know that these little things really don’t matter, because the biggest need in our lives is being met by their control. Getting that deep need met is so soothing and calming that it makes the little imperfections that we notice pretty trivial in comparison.

“Acceptance feels to me like a cool breeze on a hot day in the desert! The desert is my controlling heart and the breeze of acceptance is the only thing that keeps everything within it from withering up and dying.”—Taylor

A wonderful part of acceptance of one’s servitude toward a man is in finding that you’ve become more forgiving of yourself and also of others close to you, particularly him. There are far more important things in your life to think about now than to speculate crazily about whether he’s out to get you. You now have a place, an identity that feels so good and so very solid that you no longer need the dysfunctional games that weaker personalities play to make themselves feel better. You are better, healthier, happier, and that expresses itself by a natural lowering of aggression and drama around others. Happy people are far too busy and involved in improving their and others’ happiness to develop the obsessions and engage in the drama that the perpetually miserable seem to love.

For those who yearn for a male-led relationship and feel that this is the only right way to live, acceptance can be incredibly erotic. Have you ever noticed that after you’ve conceded a major point to your man—apologized to him, accepted harsh discipline, felt humiliated or just been amazed by his wisdom—that you start feeling wet between your legs? Have you noticed that happening after a bitter verbal battle—which you lost? It’s a common reaction for women like us and at first it can seem a little confusing. A woman to whom this happens may wonder if she is eroticizing self-hatred or failure. But after a while she starts to realize she doesn’t get aroused if this sort of thing happens around other people. It’s only triggered by a certain person: the man who controls her. Losing to her male, conceding ground, admitting she is wrong and he is right: all of this feels so basic and so very right. It’s no wonder that she responds physically and in a most natural way: it’s very hot to be under a man’s dominance. Her sexual response has nothing to do with thinking she’s a nobody or stupid or evil; it has everything to do with realizing, once again, why it is she follows this glorious man. He is stronger than her, smarter than her in many ways, and far more aggressive and dominant than her. And that is so wonderfully erotic.

It is several years later and Emily feels great anticipation inside herself as she drives home from a shopping trip. She’s gotten everything she wanted. Although she doesn’t think of it in these terms, she has been training her master non-stop, and he now backs down immediately when she indicates the least bit displeasure or unhappiness over an order or even a request. Emily’s emotions run this relationship quite competently. She now lives with her master, he’s stopped seeing or even contacting other females for service (something he told her at the beginning was a part of his nature and that he’d always do), and a marriage date is set. He’s become cowed, fearful of making her upset, and so eager to please. And yet, getting what she worked so hard for is all strangely dissatisfying. Lost in her vanity and self-interest, Emily decides her master must be to blame for her current feelings of restlessness and being let down and she has come up with a delicious way to get him to regret his non-dominant ways that she once worked so hard to foster in him. She’s going to reveal to him that she’s been seeing another dominant man to get her needs to serve met, the needs that he so callously ignores. (This isn’t exactly true, but she’ll find someone quickly online if she has to prove it to him.) She’ll point out to him what a pussy he’s been, how he lets her walk all over him, and how his weakness disappoints and confuses her. She knows that when he repents and decides to take over the reins of control again in order to give her what she wants she’ll rebel even more crazily and violently than before until he is back in his place. Emily is thinking: “He’s hurt me so bad by being such a wimp of a man!” Although she won’t admit it to herself, she is feeling: “Oh god, what a fun way to ‘get him’ this is going to be!”

Emily drives into their garage and unlocks the door to the house. She calls, “Master? Master! Where are you?” She’s annoyed that he’s not responding: the game-playing jerk is ignoring her! She wanders from room to room. Finally she enters his “man cave” (the one room in their shared abode she doesn’t impose her personal tastes in décor on) and sees her master, lying crumpled on the carpet, his face blue, his chest still. Emily suddenly realizes, as her world starts to plummet around her, that the time for drama games is long gone. It’s the beginning of Emily’s rude awakening, of realizing how differently (and how much better) she could have treated him, how deeply she’s going to miss him, how hard it will be to live without his calm, positive soul always supporting her when she was scared or discouraged, how absolutely horribly she’s betrayed this good, honorable man, and, especially, how she’ll never be able to express to him how much she loved him and depended on him. A door in Emily’s life has slammed shut and she’ll live with her regret until the end of her days.

It may not seem like this to you right now, but in truth, time is incredibly short. There comes a time for everyone when years will seem to have passed by in an instant. It is the hope of this article that those of you reading this are already happy and accepting in submission to your men, or, if not, are able to find your way to a better, more fulfilling way of living before you experience, as poor Emily did, that it is far too late.


July 20, 2013

The Foundation of Male Dominance

Marc Esadrian

male-dominance-foundation-masculinity

Sculpture by Arno Breker

At Humbled Females, we often speak a great deal about authentic submissiveness in women and how to best channel and hone it. As we should. Female submission is a subject of tremendous breadth and scope. Much more can and will be written of it, but in this article, I’m going to do something that deviates from the trend of our publications, thus far: I’m going to address men.

That’s right. If you’re a male and happen to think of yourself as “dominant” (or wish to be) and you’re reading this, my message in this article is directed to you. I’m even talking to males who don’t necessarily think of themselves as dominant, but find themselves reading the pages of this site, regardless. My friends, something has to change in the way many of us relate to and interact with the female sex. Many of us men seem to be found wanting where it comes to projecting the depth, power, and confidence that marks an authentically dominant male. So very many men, in fact, seem so very weak and pliable when tested. It’s possible you might not be the type of person I’m speaking of in this body of text, and if so, I suspect you’ll still have little to no difficulty recalling any number of occasions in which you’ve seen other men make fools of themselves in their bids to acquire members of the female sex or keep them under their control.

To all the male readers, seasoned or green, I simply ask this: are you in control of your desires or do your desires have a tendency to ride roughshod over you, instead? A simple question, it seems, but below the surface, it points toward something a little more complex. On the genomic level, we are never free of desire, of course, for to be free of it would mean we’d be dead. But what I’m getting at, particularly, is the ability to still your thoughts and modify your urges, to channel them and hone them as a complimentary mirror to what we desire in the female sex. Put more plainly, for a woman to surrender to a man’s dominance, there must first be an understanding of dominance in the man. There must be an understanding and successful application of control, not only of her, but of himself. I’m bringing all this up because, frankly, I see a lot of men doing some pretty silly stuff under the assumed mantle of dominance, a mantle which is often little more than a cheaply painted veneer, a prop to give the appearance of mastery, but not much more than that, once one cuts gently below the surface to reveal the tender flesh of inadequacy.

I know my words may sound a bit judgmental and event arrogant, but I don’t mean them to be. I write this because I care about how men are presenting themselves to women and carrying themselves around women, in general. I have been watching you, as a whole, for some time now, and the grade I give more than half of the assuming, self-assured “dominant” male population is a decided F. Many are failing—miserably, I might add—at projecting dominance and control, but the image problem is not where the problem for many men stops: it is the symptom of an underlying problem, and that problem, overall, is a fundamental lack of understanding about what dominance really is and how to have grace (through internal permission) in wielding it. Further still, it is a larger ignorance of the politics of desire and the power that flows from it…or does not. A blindside to the intelligence and subtlety of the female sex often tends to be present, too. If a man is to truly have power over a woman, he must route out all these failings and weaknesses. Only then can he begin to have any real power over the opposite sex.

On the nature of desire and control

In seeking authority over a female, it is imperative to have a good understanding of what dominance is…and what it is clearly not. Dominance, put succinctly, is a power or modifying influence one has over others. If one does not have influence over another, one does not have power and thus, one does not retain an authentic state of dominion over that person. Without influence, without the ability to inspire movement and devotion in another, one cannot lead. Any influence lent to another for the sake of sensual effect is just that: an effect. Your authority and your control cannot be reliably built upon the shifting sands of a sensual illusion or the delicate embroidery of common romantic mores stitched in wilder thread; it must be something of much more substance. Good leadership—good dominance—never proceeds from artifice, naivety, or dull awareness, nor does it find itself lowered to the state of appeasement to get what it wants. Dominance is never destitute, deprived, or indignant, needing to resentfully stoop to sell itself. It does not have to apologize for its presence and ask for customers, so to speak.

On that note, I’d ask you to consider, if you will, the following lines from interested male parties below. I’ve cut and pasted these words from actual emails sent to my girls by self-described “dominant men.” Can you find the flaws?

“I haven’t heard from you for a while and now I see you have changed your status to seeking a master. You will have to decide yourself if you think there is any point in speaking with me, but I am available for you.”

“I would love to own a beautiful female such as yourself. I see that you mention you want someone that has owned a slave before and I haven’t, but I think I can convince you that I am the perfect owner for you. Why don’t you respond so we can discuss this? Give me a chance, at least.”

“I hope your day is good and I certainly am willing to be a friend and possibly a teacher or mentor to you, if you’d want. I know you have posted looking for one. Are you interested in me or not?”

“Sorry to see you are no longer under consideration. I don’t think he deserved you, anyway. You deserve much better. I hope you’ll consider me as your master. I would jump at the opportunity to have you under my wing.”

Men: do you recognize yourselves anywhere in the above quotes? If you don’t, congratulations. If so, you undoubtedly have some personal work to do. That is, if your future intentions skirt anywhere toward asserting the reality of power and not a comedy sketch of Briffault’s Law.

To those who might be scratching their heads, do any of the above quotes strike you as a bit weak? Pathetic, even? It’s obvious the men above are prostrating before the object of their desires. They flatter and suck up, sometimes condescendingly so, but at the inevitable expense of their own image. The woman reading such messages or hearing such things said to her realizes that what alights before her is but a pale and desperate shade of the firedrake she truly wants. If she has a submissive nature within her, a noble nature that holds no contempt for men or smug superiority to them, she may feel a mild to strong revulsion at being approached so fawningly. She may not understand why these men, communicating the way they do to her, make her feel less than inspired, but she does, instinctively, feel a need to avoid the contradictions they seem to convey in words alone.

When he stumbles over himself for the interest of a woman, he puts himself figuratively (and sometimes literally) beneath her. Contrary, perhaps, to what surrounding culture tends to tell us, it’s not attractive to most women when they see men doing this.

Women, simply by being women, by having the fleshly allurements that come with their sex, inherit a pernicious charm that plays with the free will of men. When a man is sensually weak, he can easily be controlled. When he stumbles over himself for the interest of a woman, he puts himself beneath her. Contrary, perhaps, to what surrounding culture tends to tell us, it’s not attractive to most women when they see men doing this. Those women who do manage to find weakness in men desirable would use your desire to control you while you only assume a facade of control. Some women may find the man led around by his male-part endearing for a season, but they will tire, eventually, and the amusement will lead to inevitable contempt. For this reason, you must be vigilant and use self restraint when appraising those who you would hunt or those who find their way to you. Do not jump too quickly toward a pretty face and facade, lest you pierce a ring through your own nose.

Rein in your impulses a bit. A wise man, a man who would be master, leans easily toward comfortable politeness and graciousness in his dealings with women, but is watchful of his dignity all the same and does not lick up the pleasing lures of flesh unthinkingly or in ways that lower him. With a certain imperviousness, sharp insight, and good judgement, the master truly masters those he would have, and above all, takes care to not find himself mastered by them. Again, words make things sound so simple, but anyone with a dash of experience in bringing the female mind truly to heel will understand the gravity of the task.

Much like Diogenes with his lantern in search of an honest man, a woman wanders in her search for a man of the right quality, often a man who would be her mentor. But how much a mentor can a man be if he is like the proverbial emperor with no clothes, given to chasing his desires so much that they lower him like a simple beast? It marks a great heart and mind when one possesses patience, never spurred by foolish haste over beauty or a blinding lust for it, and thus never making an ass of himself. If you would be master of a woman, you must take care to master your own impulses, or they’ll surely be used against you in some way by her natural wiles, which, even among the best of women, wait secretly to be roused from their slumber. In the very least, you’ll be judged as unsuitable, should her heart be pure in the desire to serve and her mind clear on what marks true dominance in the male. So much for being an agreeable lapdog always seeking her approval. Challenge her mind and simultaneously comfort it with your clear sense of direction. This is not to say you must be a contrarian, a bully, a player, or a braggart, but it is to say that being comfortable in your own skin, having a well-seated confidence, and a well-balanced head is not only attractive, but pivotal in the realm of influence. Of utmost importance is the necessity that you must break the pattern of weakness and naivety seen so frequently among men in these modern times.

Curtailing antipathy and vulgarity

Negative energy is unattractive and alienating. There are men who, having wealth or good looks (or ideally, both), still fail miserably in retaining female interest for long due to an incessant ugliness within their souls. They take too much pleasure in their greeds, hatreds, and prejudices, seeing virtually everything as a crime or conspiracy to meet with strife or agitation. Those who see nothing but the bad in life and who thrill at argument and division provoke little more than aversion and are quickly marked as fools; there is nothing powerful about them. Past the stinging bite of their words, they are only remembered as pitiful, disagreeable, or deranged. We mustn’t walk constantly in darkness, lest we be branded town cynics. Just as there is a moon, so too is there a sun. Be sure to see the good in things along with the bad. Take care to compliment others of their virtues with sincerity. Be supportive of what deserves support, not silent until the time comes, again, for complaint. Be a light that attracts, but not falsely so, and certainly be more a force of harmony than chaos. Being a problem-solver, letting your resources flow, having answers with a kinder face…these things make tremendous difference in the realm of opening and lasting influence.

Take care to speak thoughtfully and well. Let there be a poetry to your words that beguile and a wisdom within them that inspires. This cannot be said enough when speaking of enticing the female mind, for the female searches not so much for wit but wisdom in a male and knows this is often marked by his words as much as his actions. Not all of us are perfect writers or speakers, but we should avoid soiling our speech with vulgarities, in the very least. Paying heed to speaking well speaks, in turn, of good breeding and refinement. Only a dullard writes off this subtle charm as inconsequential.

Don’t play the part of the constant jester. Women love to laugh, indeed, but let your humor be a pleasing discovery that finds its moment, rather than what marks your personhood in social circles, lest you be thought more an entertaining fool than wise. Keep your actions in check with mindfulness and know when a little bit of levity or foolishness is appropriate. Timing, as they say, is everything in life. We certainly mustn’t take ourselves too seriously, but it is generally good practice to be known more for wisdom than endless laughs.

Be a force of reason that is never too quick to harshly judge. This will mark you as thoughtful and gracious rather than a belligerent and cynical egotist. It is the worldly charm of the wise to be tempered in their aggressions, not gobbling up every bait they find to argue and find fault in others. In short, confident and calm dominance is attractive. Belligerent domineering by reflex is not. Making a regular show of your aggression or cynicism is always in bad taste and policy.

On finding the art in yourself

Care for your body. Women have desire for the male form in its ideal health and so it behooves you to tend to your health and appearance. Good grooming not only makes one more pleasant, but marks the man who is in control of his person. A man who is slovenly or grossly obese outwardly displays his inability to manage his own person. How can he be expected, then, to manage others? In being dominant men, the first foundations of the lives we build reside solely in ourselves. From that bedrock all else may be built upon soundly, including the servants we keep in women.

Nurture art within yourself. Neglect, disorder, disarray, and disease: these are the flies that encircle the carrion of inept men. Such men are incapable of mastering others, for they cannot master themselves. Be aware of your appearance and what it says about you. It is the first clue one can give in the day-to-day world about what resides beneath the skin. It is impossible to know the depths of a man who is a stranger, but we can easily judge him based upon his outward appearance, can’t we? Just as we may judge the discernment of a house’s owner by the its outward impression, so too may you be judged on the outside. Women are subtle observers; they are savvy about outward appearance, for they, by nature, are servants to the visual. Keep abreast of style and fashion within your culture, not to nurture vainglory or a brittle narcissism, but to be marked as one who is awake to taste and refinement and the care of these things. Ignorance is often artless; the learned are often artful. If we understand how the soul is revitalized and inspired through art, should we not, then, seek to embody art in ourselves?

On responsibility and dignity

Above all things, a man must retain a good reputation. It is half the key to being desirable in your circle. You will be loved if you nurture a repute for responsibility, taste, discernment, wisdom, and courtesy. Veer from the affectations of these things; their substances can only be procured through experience, reflection, and forethought. The female is highly social; her tentacles for rumor and gossip often run farther and deeper today than ever before, given her modern freedoms. It’s fitting, then, to guard your reputation with your life and better to be thought of as a respectable mystery than someone commonly regarded for known faults. For this reason, it is imperative you deal only with those who would guard your honor with equal interest. Watch carefully how women you would let into your circle behave with the personal secrets they have gleaned from others. Steer clear of drama queens, manipulators, and the entire lot of the mentally damaged, no matter what affectations of submission they project or beauty they possess. Sharing energy with such parasites is an endless loop of madness and insult, draining your sense of good will and smearing your image by association.

Don’t recede into self-debilitating laziness. A man who has dreams and acts to pursue them is a man in motion on some level. Waters that are not flowing soon give rise to a swamp caught up in its own dead inertia. From this swamp, a multitude of disease follows: paralyzation, doubt, apathy, ignorance, depression, and addiction.  A man who is resourceful and ambitious, a man who is inclined to action for his well-being and the well-being of those around him is a man who is attractive to a woman, for he is charged with a positive energy that her passive energy will naturally wish to mate with. A male with vision and the energy to pursue his dreams is exciting and inspiring; he is a wellspring of influence, pleasure, and hope.

Do not allow women to walk on you. No lasting happiness can come from humoring the natural tendency for females to manipulate men or cause doubt in them. Enjoy the charms and pleasures of the female sex, but do not become a slave to them; it is, surely, a path to folly. Females will naturally respect a male who is intelligent, difficult to corrupt, and carries with him the light of a noble spirit, but to those who scrape for their desires, know that they will give little respect, only intent to use. Regarding the latter, it is crucial to avoid women who take pleasure in subtly dominating and emasculating men. It’s not enough to ask such women what lies in their hearts if you are already defeated to them, for a sly opportunism often resides in their persons and it will play truth like a fiddle. It is, therefore, wise to make a sober and detached study of the female and the many ways in which she rises to the occasion of the male’s weakness and of his need, if only so she may yoke it. Do not compromise who and what you are for sexual access; it may give you short-term pleasure but will likely not give you long-term happiness. Win manipulative games of the female sex by not playing their games in the first place. Move on to nobler choices.

Avoid cowardice. Shying away from conflict or challenge, living in shadow, being passive, always manipulating to get what you want, or never showing the courage of your convictions…this is the path of the coward and it is unbecoming and unattractive in a man. Men are the warriors of the species. Females rely upon us to venture into the dark and strike at the heart of encroaching danger, to have a fierce spirit and live in some fellowship with it. This speaks to our responsibility, overall, as the stronger sex. Shirking the call to arms only marks you as shirking your masculine nature. It’s good to be calming and serene, but also fierce when need be, for the protection of what belongs to you.

Respecting masculinity

Reject the contempt of men in society, for it is contempt of you. To that end, avoid being an stooge of modern feminism and the air of sterile androgyny that often accompanies it. Don’t be convinced that male strength is a lie or that what you feel comes natural as a male is merely a social construct. There are those who would have you believe the world between men and women is only right when stood upon its head, that women should take on the roles of men and men of women, or that there is no “real” difference between male and female. Don’t be part of the appeasing, permissive silence that surrounds generally anti-male attitudes and never go along to get along with such attitudes. Men today must be vibrant, strong, and healthy, but we can’t look to gynocentricity to bring us to these things. Resist what, in your heart, feels twisted and poisoned in modern thought about the male sex. Just as your body is a temple, so much more is your mind and spirit. Guard it with dignity and honor. Don’t let it be smeared with the social diseases of the day.

Beware of custom played against you. The past and the present are not the same place, though sometimes we may wish them to be. Following the ways of men in a bygone age to procure honor may only stifle you now, given how the surrounding rules have changed so much. Relinquish nostalgic ideas and customs that blinker men into invisible servility to women and beware those women who would still insist upon such things under the false mantle of “equality.” This is not to suggest polite convention should be thrown out. By all means, open doors for women and cover the bill for a night out, should you be so inclined. Be kind to women and girls in society. Make your mate a happy housewife if you are able. Being a gentleman is never out of fashion, but being a woman’s personal ass certainly should be. It’s wise to beware of the cunning in women’s freedom today, which, on one hand, speaks the wish to be equal in all things, but on the other, takes advantage of romantic convention to invoke double-standard. Do not be the fool who is parted from your money, time, or hard work due to a woman’s blinding narcissism, gross moral relativity, or exploitative dishonesty.

Appreciate the masculine and give it honor. Not being at war with your own sex, take appreciation in maleness and of the male form, which is another way of saying take appreciation in yourself. Learn, again, to love yourself and reject the condescending attitudes about maleness that society viciously inflicts. Each man is a distant brother; treat him as such until there is no reason to afford him this kindness. Don’t step upon him to gain favor with women; doing so elevates you at the expense of your own sex. Avoiding ignorance, egomania, a bitter heart, envy, or anger in your soul: this is the path to inner peace and outward grace, the path to making peace with yourself and being a more desirable man.

On maintaining structure

The shape and design of your world must accommodate your authority well and cultivate submission in your woman. A man must have within him the ability to organize his life in a way that allows the two respective energies between male and female to flow into good confluence. Not slovenly or crude in his habits, he is healthy in mind and body and his house is in order. What he possesses has a place and a purpose and is maintained in good keeping. This will naturally extend to caring for a woman who would be his flesh property.

But flesh alone is not only what is kept. The mind itself is the greater possession, and as such, must be brought to heel within sound confines built of clear rules and expectations. This speaks to a man’s ability to clearly communicate what he wants and enforce what he desires through the discipline of structure, a foundation of rules and ideas that are clearly expressed. Under the firmament of rules and clear consequences for transgressions, a woman will all the more easily come to know her place and feel secureness in it. Without structure in place, without an overarching framework of understanding between clarity and authority, a confusing abstractness slowly pervades, giving rise to a silent chaos and discontent. If you are to be a dominant male, and even more so a master, you must have a plan, a general understanding of where you wish to take your life in this regard, and consequently, hers. Charged with the authority you know is yours to have and command, you must lead.

Ending note

The advice given here is only a rough guide. Certainly, all that could be written on the subject is beyond the scope of a single article, but I truly hope that what was provided above has served well in some capacity to men who may just be starting to come into their own with dominance, or men who may find themselves unable to “seal the deal” with those lovely women who have true blue aspirations to submit. The search, especially today, certainly isn’t easy. The modern female is bombarded constantly with messages that she is above submitting to a man—that doing so is the way of the past. A glance in the eyes of many young ladies today reveals that haughty meme of the cool diva they have learned so well. There is so much vainglory, contempt, and deception in many women, even in those with the audacity to call themselves “submissive.” After everything I’ve written above, it must be kept in mind, also, that as a man of standards and of convictions, as a man of integrity and authenticity, the search for an authentically submissive female or a female with potential to be submissive in the contemporary age will be a trial. There are no shortcuts on this path. Women with the makings of humbled females are out there, indeed, but they are somewhat rare birds. Keep this in mind. Keep in mind, also, that beyond the study of philosophy and stratagem, another important part of finding your good girl is good old fashioned patience. Your wait may very well be shortened, however, by adopting and taking to heart the things mentioned above.


April 16, 2013

Money: An Ultimate Litmus Test

By Nina E.

Females are, by nature, weak creatures. There are many dangers that we can fall prey to along the path of complete submission to a man. There are, figuratively speaking, deep pits we can stumble into and never escape from; fanged snakes whose venom spreads quickly through our bloodstreams; and enticing detours to restful glens along the side of the road that cause us to forsake the “straight and narrow.” If you are a submissive female, such metaphorical dangers to submission are actually within you. They are part of your mental and emotional makeup, specifically, the part of yourself that seeks to subvert your progress.

In actual life, such dangers may include jealousy, possessiveness, self-importance, resentment, deception, carelessness, bad habits, stress, and fixed ideas that run counter to slavery. While such are the traits of a normal and, for the most part, “healthy” woman, these symptoms of humanity’s common cold sabotage genuine submission and are a particular bane of women who crave to be slaves. Dangers confront the aspiring slave when she allows her inner weaknesses to lead her away from the clear and simple path set down by her master. How she handles such trials reveals a great deal about her nature and can help a prospective master determine whether she can serve him successfully.

Let’s take a closer look at one such danger. Imagine that you are a bird, flying high above the winding, dangerous road that leads to complete surrender and submission. You swoop down now, right above a spot where a well-defined fork occurs. One fork is muddy, dark, and riddled with stones. It heads toward the storm-covered peak of a forbidding mountain. A slave knows this is the way she must go. The other path is grassy and smooth. The sun shines brightly upon it and in the distance can be heard pleasant music from a guesthouse just ahead. Which fork does she choose? In every submissive reader’s mind I can hear the resounding answer, “Up the dark path to my master, of course!” Of course. In painless fantasy the choice is clear and one is certain of oneself. But when it comes time to choose the real-life equivalent of this fork, something very different can happen.

Picture yourself as a prospective slave. You’ve sworn to do anything for the man that you serve. You’re thrilled that he’s given you a chance to prove yourself worthy of him and are determined to show him what a marvelous servant you are. You follow his rules for your life to the letter, overjoyed that this wonderful man has taken an interest in you. You’ve got many of the things that trip up other slaves under control. It’s smooth sailing and everything is perfect. It’s so easy: all you need do is obey him.

Then it happens. The other day, he told you out of the blue that you would be sending him regular, large sums of money from each paycheck. Without fail. But you aren’t even his slave yet! You haven’t even been collared. And yet he’s demanding money from you. You are shocked to the core and you start to panic. You have excuses. Dozens of them. The amount is far too large. You can’t live on what’s left. You can’t save anything, take the vacation you’d planned, get your hair colored and cut, buy a needed car. The excuses, the rationales for needing the money race endlessly through your mind and the stress builds to a head. You’re now determined to show him how unreasonable all this is. It’s too much for you to bear, far too much.

But that is just the start of things. He is not talked out of this demand. He will not see reason. He continues to demand money from his potential slave. So next, the suspicions begin.

“He’s a lazy shyster who doesn’t want to earn his own living, like a real man would. Instead he sponges off hardworking women.”

“He’s going to take all my money for a year or two and then dump me. I’m just a flesh piggybank to him.”

“I don’t really feel comfortable giving money to a relative stranger who hasn’t enslaved me first/isn’t even living with me yet/hasn’t promised to control me for life.”

“He hasn’t even given me an idea of what he’s going to do with the money. OMG! Is he going to use it to shack up with that other slut who serves him?”

With such suspicions (which also provide her with convenient excuses not to obey), the prospective female slave forgets that this is the man she swore to do anything for, the man she vowed to obey fully and serve for the remainder of her life. But apparently doing “anything” for him includes everything except handing over her hard-eared money.

This is what happens with many a woman who considers herself prime slave material. She loves her money far more than she loves her master or else she sees it as some sort of bargaining chip: “You make me your slave or commit to always be there for me and I’ll gladly turn over my paychecks to you. But if you don’t, well, sorry, but I just feel, you know, uneasy about that.”

The demand for money hits most starry-eyed women who imagine they are slaves squarely where they really live.  It quickly uncovers the inherent selfishness in most females, even those who claim they will do anything for a man. It is also a good indicator of how a given female will respond to other serious commands that don’t quite fit into her romantic plans for herself—or for him. If she makes loads of excuses about why she needs to keep most of her money to herself, a man would be wise to count on her doing the same with any other order she dislikes. If she swore absolute devotion to him but then decides he’s a common criminal or user when he demands she provide proof of her devotion, guess how she’ll regard him when he requires something even more difficult. If she suddenly starts finding all sorts of problems with the relationship that she never mentioned before, it’s a sign she’s seeking a way to weasel out of sending him a cent by finding fault with the other things he does.

I’ve seen all of these responses and worse from submissive females as soon as their masters start to demand that they literally “put their money where their mouths are” by handing over a good percentage of their incomes. All of a sudden their carefully hidden greed, parsimoniousness, suspicion, and demands for special consideration that lie nascent in their shriveled little hearts crawl to the surface. It’s extremely ugly to observe.

Why does it happen? Why do most women so tediously and predictably swear to lovingly do a man’s will in all things and to give him anything he might require then completely go back on their word as soon as money is mentioned? To many of us, money represents energy, it represents hard work or perhaps something that was handed down to us and that we “deserve” to have. It is “our” energy and we feel this deep in our selfish bones despite our romantic self-beliefs that we can give up all in order to serve a worthy man. Theoretically, submissive women are thrilled by the idea of taking that hard, cold, road up the mountain. But then, when faced with their first true difficulty, their gigantic me-first SELF jumps out of the bushes and says, “HEL-LO?” The female predictably thinks, “To hell with this s–t,” pulls out a few lame excuses that make her disobedience OK in her own eyes, and then trots down the far more conventional (and certainly more comfortable) grassy path to the warm comfy guesthouse that awaits her around life’s easy bend.

Some of us deeply feel, down to our very core, that our money is ours and ours only to dispense as we will, not at the command of another. Our ability to hand it over or not rests largely on what is inside us: are we truly as unselfish, giving, generous, and trusting as we claimed we were? Or are we the standard female product of this day and age: a greedy, suspicious little grubber always looking out for her own best interests but at the same time proclaiming loudly how pure she is? Money is energy, and if we are willing, even joyous, to provide that energy to the one we serve so that he may grow stronger (even if as a result we grow weaker) and if we do this passionately and without care for our own situation or survival then we prove our real worth to a master. We prove that we actually do care about him more than we care about ourselves.

I am convinced that relinquishing money is one of the primary tests of a woman’s genuine desire to be a slave. It is not the only test she will face, but it can be a pivotal one: it can accurately predict her future behavior as a slave. There is nothing that will tell you more about a woman’s true attitude toward servitude than how she responds to a demand for a significant amount of money from the one she serves. To judge this truly, a man can’t trust what she says about her willingness to pay up. She may just be slyly mouthing the expected words.  Instead, he has to observe how she actually performs when repeated demands for money are made. Does she give it instantly, willingly and cheerfully, thrilled to be of service? Can she see it as a sacred privilege and a strong sign of her master’s trust? Even more importantly, is she still providing it six months from now, without missing a single tithe or coming up with excuses for why it’s not available? (This assumes that you have demanded a reasonable sum that doesn’t make it impossible for her to live.) And now that she’s giving you cash, does she still treat you with the same loving respect and awe that she first expressed when she was trying to win your favor and prove herself? Or has she become irritable and demanding, suspicious or even snidely condescending? Does she act like she has “bought” you? Has she started to resent you, to suspect you of treating her falsely? These are all signs that money’s corruption has seeped deep into her soul and that she cares far more about protecting “her own” than giving everything she has and is to you.

Women would do well to bear the following old, but relevant, wisdom in mind before embarking upon the hard road of slavery:

No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.  —Luke 16:13


June 25, 2012

The 4th Element

By Nina E.

Kays to female submission

I have found that consensual slavery, like many other institutions and undertakings in life, runs decently on three basic fuels: hope (or desire), fear (or avoidance of pain/negative consequences), and repetition (or habituation). Each of these elements plays a role in keeping a slave enslaved. This isn’t theoretical mumbo jumbo I’m just tossing out of my brain, however. My life in serving and pleasing men has given me ample opportunity to reflect upon the core things I feel are necessary to make no-nonsense servitude work and function reliably without imploding in upon itself. I purposefully left love for one’s master out of the equation because, while it is a powerful mover, it’s not always necessary within all possible situations and scenarios. I also think it’s beneficial sometimes to put the haze of love aside and focus upon other elements that aren’t spoken of as much, but are just as important. I believe these elements are as follows:

Hope / Desire / Needs / Wants / Wishing / The “Carrot”

All of these words are synonyms for the same thing: the urge to experience or possess happy, beneficial things in one’s life. Hope, or looking forward to something good, is a very strong motivator. It increases a slave’s effort and energy output, and, if she is being managed right, this means the master will benefit as well from those efforts made in the name of hope or desire for better things, including her own self-improvement.

If over-emphasized, however, (and in most “master and slave” relationships that I see there is an inordinate amount of emphasis placed on the “slave’s” desires and their satisfaction), it can warp slavery beyond recognition into a selfish, mercenary rewards/barter/exchange institution: “I’ll perform oral service beautifully, Master, and not be all glum and depressed and do a half-assed job at it if you let me buy that lovely dress from Caché I crave. After all, I don’t crave it for myself—I just want to look nice for you out in public.” The words I just quoted are never said aloud, obviously. They may not even be conscious thoughts. Nevertheless, they describe a very real attitude and an unspoken agreement between many a “master” and his “slave.”

Fear / Repercussions / Discipline / Pain Avoidance / Punishment / The “Stick”

Fear, in humans, is an extremely powerful motivator. Pain, whether emotional or physical, hurts, and no matter how masochistic we are, someone clever can always find a type of pain or even just a type of non-painful but extremely boring or annoying experience that we will never wish to experience again.

If punishment is overdone, it can result in a below-par slave who performs to meet basic requirements only out of fear.

Pain, or other negative consequences, when associated with knowledge of the thing that we did to bring on the pain, is an extremely powerful motivator. Human minds work by association, by making connections between this thing and that thing, between one time and another time. Associating pain with a consequence of an activity or attitude that one should not engage in makes a powerful and lasting connection in a slave’s mind between something adverse she does not wish to experience to a behavior or attitude that her master wants changed. If reinforced and applied regularly, “the stick” permanently changes the slave’s behavior to a more desirable form.

If punishment is overdone, it can result in a below-par slave who performs to meet basic requirements only out of fear. Such performance is very limited and curtailed, often quite insufficient for the complex tasks that humans must do, because the slave becomes afraid to go beyond the safe boundaries of behavior or thinking that do not elicit pain, to make on-the-spot decisions that are required in complex undertakings, to act spontaneously, or take risks of any kind. A constantly fearful slave can be boring to be around and even disappointing if other elements–such as human companionship, advice, ideas, humor, even love–are also desired from her. Unless reveling in brutality is the only objective, fear needs to be balanced with other means of control.

Repetition / Getting Used to It / Conditioning / Brainwashing / Addiction / Ritual / The “Habit”

The third common element in most working human institutions, including slavery, is habituation. Do something enough times, say something enough times, think something enough times and it becomes a thing that you will do more, think about more, accept more and more as normal. The life of a slave who is really treated as a slave can be quite hard at times, but people can get used to pretty much anything that does not kill them. Habituating her to this life and influencing her to accept it as the only way of living is not done through brute force, unless you don’t mind losing everything else that you lose when you completely break down a human being. The quiet, smooth way to insure there is acceptance in the slave of her lot in life is the way of repetition, propaganda, conditioning the slave’s mind to accept your reality for her as not only normal, but as the only way to live, the desired way to live. This process is built alongside the other, less desirable aspects of her personality that she brings to the table, and eventually, when the work is done, supplants them. Doing this sort of long-term complex reconstruction successfully and without unwanted side effects emerging requires skill, considerably more skill than simple manipulations of the straightforward animal urges of desire and avoidance.

Often conditioning or habituation fails because the master simply lacks the knowledge or techniques to carry through with it correctly. All the information that is needed to do this is out there, but finding the right information and then applying it correctly (that is, not as a rigid “one size fits all” formula but as an individual prescription based upon the idiosyncrasies of the “patient”) can take considerable time and study. Blunderers in this area tend to lose their slaves or, often without realizing it, to corrupt them to a lower level of service such as the gimme-gimme-gimme desire-based “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” service described above.

These three fuels–hope, fear, and repetition–are enough to keep a slave running at a lower-than-it-could-be but steady and decent level of performance, particularly if they are balanced with one another and one element not over-stressed. However, in consensual slavery, which is the type that is most experienced today and the type of which I speak, another, rarer element can come into play that adds an extra dimension and transforms the merely adequate into the sublime. It’s an element that has to arise entirely out of the slave’s own mind and motivations. Unlike the three elements discussed earlier, this isn’t something that a master can do to her or directly influence or help her with. All he can do, if he is capable of this, is to be the sort of person who inspires her to develop this trait.

The Other Element

Picture hope, fear, and repetition as three lines that comprise an equilateral triangle. The three, when thus connected, provide an extremely stable, two-dimensional base. It is a base from which much can be built. The fourth element, however, is not another point on that base plane, it’s a point in an entirely different direction: depth. If you think of it as above the three and in the dead center of the triangle they form, you have the apex of a pyramid.

Above all else, the desire to give is an impulse or personality characteristic that someone may start feeling at a very early age and, when this is so, they will not feel right or fulfilled in life until they can express it fully. Ordinary life and ordinary relationships (including most that call themselves master/slave) provide very little outlet for expressing this urge and a person who has it often finds life pretty meaningless and pointless as a result.

This fuel is hard to describe because as soon as you start to talk about it, readers automatically associate it with commoner and coarser experiences (such as romantic love) that have very little to do with it and are not the same thing at all but are quite dramatic and fun to experience. That’s probably what’s going to happen here, as well, but we will have to try to describe it, nonetheless.  It involves a calm and almost–but not quite–unemotional desire to give to others, to see others benefit and an equal disregard for whether you benefit or not at the same time (basically, you already know that you will benefit because this attitude fulfills you). It involves taking a quiet joy in seeing someone else gain something of value, feel pleasure or happiness, enjoy some aspect of their lives. You “love” or “care” (I use these buzz words hesitantly as they immediately give the overly-romantic the wrong impression) far more about another’s pleasure, benefit, and safety than you do for your own.

Above all else, the desire to give is an impulse or personality characteristic that someone may start feeling at a very early age and, when this is so, they will not feel right or fulfilled in life until they can express it fully. Ordinary life and ordinary relationships (including most that call themselves master/slave) provide very little outlet for expressing this urge and a person who has it often finds life pretty meaningless and pointless as a result. It’s just jumping from one transitory and perhaps pleasant but utterly meaningless pleasure to the next. But as soon as such a person finds herself in a context in which she can unselfishly, unstintingly, and constantly give to someone or provide benefit to something significant to her, she feels at home, she feels as though she has arrived, she senses that she is finally doing what she has needed to do all of her life. Life becomes vivid again, adventurous, deeply gratifying, and worth living.

The fourth element is an urge that some calling themselves slaves have never experienced before (or even desired to experience) but as soon as they hear about it associated with slavery (a state they have managed to poisonously entwine with the tendrils of their metastasizing egos), they will arrogantly and automatically assume in their own minds that they, since they are such superb slaves, are already full to the brim with this meritorious trait. Those who genuinely experience this impulse do not normally associate it with merit or other self-aggrandizing concepts. If anything, they see it as something being given to them, a great boon, bestowed upon them by their masters–for indeed, given the dearth of contexts in ordinary life to experience the impulse to give selflessly, that is what it is. Some people spend decades looking for such a context.

In the right context, the urge to give selflessly without hope or thought of personal reward will grow, slowly and quietly, until it fills an obedient servant’s world. At the same time, the other person, the one whom she so desires to please and give to, slowly becomes all she sees, all that exists. She doesn’t feel much emotion associated with this, no maudlin sense of “deep self-sacrifice,” certainly no sense of loss at all (if anything, she feels great gain), no dramatic awareness of herself as a great martyr or a most wonderful, saintly person. It embarrasses and disturbs her, in fact, when the poisonous flattery and confused misinterpretations of sycophants describe her in this way. She simply feels a deep satisfaction: she feels as though she is doing what she was always meant to do, like a part in a car that works well because it fits perfectly in that particular car and is no longer being stuck into cars it was not designed for!

In a sense, her self starts to cease to exist, she starts to not experience herself, to not be aware of herself as a separate entity with separate needs from those of her master’s, to even lose consciousness of herself. But this isn’t the nothingness of some imagined hazy Zen satori. Instead, as she is emptying herself of her “self,” her now less-full awareness is being filled–to the very brim–with him: his needs, what makes him satisfied, what brings him the best benefit, his attitudes (which she adopts as her own), his goals. She identifies so closely with her master that she forgets herself. It is not particularly painful; it is not (except at brief moments) enlightened bliss, either, it simply is a practical fact of her experience– kind of like the sensation of wearing shoes and socks. It’s just there.

A wise master manages the desire to selflessly give and serve by steering it toward the goals he wants to achieve and the attitudes he wishes to see in the slave; by educating her about what pleases him and what doesn’t; and by encouraging those acts of selflessness that he approves of and discouraging those that, while equally giving, are not what he desires—whether at that specific time—or ever.

The fourth fuel, if it burns at all (it is rare, and, despite the lip-service of the egotists, seldom experienced by most calling themselves slaves, as it gets confused with the baser emotions of romantic, transaction-based love), is generated almost entirely by the slave and, as mentioned earlier, all the master can do to encourage its growth is be the sort of man who inspires this level of selflessness. This is not at all insignificant: it just represents a more passive form of involvement than the other three elements require. The trait, does, however, still need to be managed by a master who notices it arising. The giving urge is often indiscriminate (it can even be foolish) and thus requires direction into the desired channels and instructions about its use. A master who has experienced similar urges is in an ideal position to provide such instruction, whereas a man who has only been a master is blind in a sense: he is often not even aware that his slave might have these urges let alone need his help with their cultivation and direction. This can leave a slave with this nature in a very lonely spot.

A wise master manages the desire to selflessly give and serve by steering it toward the goals he wants to achieve and the attitudes he wishes to see in the slave; by educating her about what pleases him and what doesn’t; and by encouraging those acts of selflessness that he approves of and discouraging those that, while equally giving, are not what he desires—whether at that specific time—or ever. The slave does her part by graciously, quietly, and pragmatically (that is, without umbrage, denial or other defensive egotistic responses to correction or “oh my god, I suck big time” drama) accepting this direction and incorporating it into her actions and thoughts.

Where does such a process lead, ultimately? I don’t think this is a process that ever really ends—egotistic urges and the false personality that springs from them are far too clever and entrenched in most individuals to be completely rooted out—but by slow degrees the slave’s service improves and she becomes a more valuable and pleasant possession for her master. By setting her sights on the far horizon, by aiming her for perfection, she easily reaches the actual goal he desires for her, be it 5, 50, or 500 miles down the road of life.


May 25, 2012

50 Shades of Grey

By Marc Esadrian

“If I do this thing, will he be my boyfriend?”

Well, someone has finally done it, as you probably know by now: BDSM erotica has been brought out of the shadows and into the garish light of mainstream “mommy porn” publishing. Indeed, there is still a buzz going on about the book, 50 Shades of Grey, by E. L. James.  After a thorough review of the books (yes, it’s a trilogy, for those of you who have been living under a rock and still haven’t had the details of this book crammed down your throat yet), there isn’t much to be excited about for those with a lick of real-world experience.

We’ve read such things before and in various iterations with far greater intensities, aside of having lived the commonly described scenarios out in real flesh. Delve into the history of erotic literature and you’ll find the legacy of shady erotic fiction present with us since the days of De Sade and beyond. Delve into human history and you’ll find the practice of bondage and discipline during sex isn’t exactly new. But for a very wide swath of impressionable readers, these subjects might as well have come from Mars—sexy Mars, that is.

50 Shades of Grey may not be such a revolution to the erotic literature world or those who practice master-slave and dominant-submissive relationships, but it may very well be a great example of the viral power of e-publishing and the practical use of writing fan fiction. Perhaps all those Harry Potter and Twilight fan fiction writers now feel just a little more justified with their keyboard hobbies? As a tale that is apparently interwoven with “shades” of domination-submission and what some might naively label darker sexual themes, the result, ultimately, is still a typical romance story pattern dressed up in saucier threads. Good woman Anastasia Steele meets Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome, Christian Grey, who is a bit shady, but she gradually tames him as he obsessively courts her under the enigmatic guise of reserve. Of course he’s terribly young and handsome. Of course he is a billionaire with his own private helicopters, and a man who buys mansions upon a whim. Of course he speaks fluent French, is well-endowed, and incredible in bed. Of course he treated all the other women like servants and deviant paramours—until the female protagonist steps into his life. Then he’s smitten, but tells her nonetheless to keep her distance—such delicious conflict. And, of course (spoiler alert), they eventually live happily ever after and—ta da!—married with children in a palatial home dripping with wealth. A perfect teen vision, perhaps?

Banality aside, the books are amusing reads…for guilty pleasure reading, that is. It’s clear Ms. James is an entertaining writer, if not a little repetitive. The slanted subtexts in the story leave much to be desired, however, and as much as I’m happy to see the mainstream bestsellers list contain a book associated with the pariah that is BDSM (that is, the pariah it tends to be when Rhianna or Brittany Spears aren’t singing about it), I’m not entirely thrilled about the stereotypes it portrays about those who are partial to these practices—playtime or otherwise. For instance, we learn that Christian Grey, the dominant male character in the story, is the way he is, for the most part, due to severe childhood abuse. Well, of course he’s that way; his mother was a crack whore. And now the fact that he’s an eccentric deviant with a penchant for dominating women makes perfect sense! I’m sure the American Psychological Association would agree, as well as what remains of Kraft-Ebing’s cliff notes.

Little gems like these in the story are pretty toxic to the idea of accepting the practice of domination-submission positively and looking at it as thus. We learn as the tale progresses that Christian Grey is basically a freak tormented by demons of his terrible past, where his mother’s pimp would put cigarettes out on his chest, for instance. He’s taken in by rich foster parents and by the time he’s a grown young man in his late twenties he is the head of a multibillion dollar enterprise. The protagonist, Anastasia, is required to sign a “contract” that gives Grey complete control of her life—including her sex life (they haggle over the details by email—an enchanting discourse, without a doubt). Grey, being the eccentric, control-mad pervert that he is from his childhood of abuse, introduces our virgin 21 year-old flower (why are virgins always more attractive as romantic heroines in these stories?) to bondage and Sadism, and for her, it’s oh so very overwhelming, but exciting, and it’s not long before she’s rattling off orgasm after orgasm and listening to her “inner goddess” as she navigates the path of submission. Excuse me?

I could go on, but I won’t, as that might prove to be rather boring. The plot, stretched over three books, serves as little more than staging for the next sex scene—but this is par for the course with romance novels, is it not? Needless to say, this trilogy is enjoying popularity because it somehow found its way into the mainstream, and we all know the topics in these books are seldom explored in the mainstream. In that light, the 50 Shades series of books successfully exploited an interestingly untapped niche. But does it truly deserve to sit pretty there, enjoying all this hype? Is it possible a better series of books could be sitting in its place? I doubt I have to explain my obvious position on either of those questions.

Without a doubt, 50 Shades has its flaws. My primary contention is how silly—and toxic—the story casts the practice of dominance and submission. Readers are aligned to view these practices as a result of damage, emotional instability, and an inability to properly seek intimacy. In that sense, how far along have we come in this book compared to such wonderful television shows as CSI or Law & Order, which chronically pathologize master-slave and BDSM relationships for the sake of entertainment? The crumby reality is it hasn’t really come too far at all, and that’s a shame, for the opportunity to present male dominance as something positive and natural and female submission as something actualized and informed has been lost once again. I have no doubt these books have helped a large demographic of people to find interest in such practices, though I tend to wonder what preconceptions will need to be debunked and outright smashed as they proceed to explore the reality of dominance and submission. In this sense, 50 Shades Of Grey has conspired to support the mainstream’s perfect cognitive dissonance on the subject of personal subjugation, which is to say, a distanced love-hate relationship with it all. I hope you’re ready, ladies and gentlemen: the next wave of the kinky and slightly confused are already among us.


 


May 17, 2012

The Humbled Females Primer

By Marc Esadrian

I’m happy to announce that the Humbled Female’s media area will be up and running soon. Along with an initial offering of images, we are providing a small booklet outlining the overall premise of our community and its core philosophies. It’s not an incredibly large body of work (just under fifty pages), but it does officially make the founding principles and convictions of the Humbled Females community clear. A dissertation on the sexes follows a brief overview of the Humbled Females effort since its inception, after which attention will be given to describing, more than in previous efforts, what constitutes the dominant male and submissive female, as idealized in this small but particular world of ours. In reflection, the virtues of the female which make her a natural servant are explored, too.

Obviously, the primer discusses male/female behavior and interaction, relationship philosophy, and, as it goes perhaps without saying, feminism and sexual politics in society. Why do we cover all that ground in this publication? Simply, because it’s time to start dispatching some myths that have built up over the years about Humbled Females. There are some people—most from the BDSM community itself, interestingly enough—who believe we represent nothing but thinly veiled misogyny, that we are a community based upon hate, sexism, and non-consensuality.

In truth, Humbled Females is many things, but some lines had to be drawn somewhere for those all too eager to paint us with a particular brush. First and foremost, Humbled Females is about identifying, harnessing and fostering submission in females and encouraging authentic dominance in males—it’s not about simply despising women. If that were the case, we’d have much less to say on our site, without a doubt. In fact, we wouldn’t have much of a site at all, as the message would be pretty repetitive. Are we sexist? Apparently, but it’s not so much a prejudice as it is a passion and heartfelt belief that drives our philosophy and way of life. Prejudice—the heart of sexism—is a preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience. Our practices and beliefs are quite the contrary: we have thought about male/female relationships, to put it as succinctly as possible, a lot. Our convictions, as shocking and upsetting as they may be to many, are certainly based upon some pretty good reasoning, not fantasy, disinformation, or wishful thinking. Desite claims to the contrary, there’s plenty of truth behind the convictions, goals, and overall expressed direction of the Humbled Females community. That direction has zilch to do with raw hatred and ignorance.

While we’re at it, it’s time to tackle the absurd non-consensuality canard as well. Let me be very, very clear: Humbled Females does not condone non-consensual acts perpetrated against females. Cyber snarks and self-important leather celebrities can insinuate such things until they’re blue in the face, but Humbled Females will always advocate consensual acts and relationships between male and female. We may not quite dig the “SSC” thing, or subscribe to the “100 Rules of Responsibility for Masters,” but all relationships we advocate and envision are consensual. They have to be. Submission is always far better by choice, not mindless tyranny.

With that all out of the way, look for our primer soon. It will be available for download at the price of $8.95, and your purchase will go toward helping us maintain and continue to build the Humbled Females website and community—the bulk of which will always be free of cost.


March 30, 2012

Doormat!

By Karen D. | Marc Esadrian

doormat-submissive women-slavesA common, if not often abused phrase in the circle of dominance-submission is the ever dreaded “doormat” word. Yup. You’ve heard it before. It’s often used as a personal swipe about the nature of a girl’s servile and self-deprecating character, an accusation that her level of selflessness has passed the threshold from healthy to pathologically pathetic, an incrimination often passing from the mouths (or keyboards) of those who somehow wear the term “slave” with perceived immunity.

There are numerous lifestyle articles in print and on-line warning us of the dangers inherent in being too submissive to our men. Heaven forbid, right? They launch into a laundry list of scary abuse-watch questions seemingly lifted from a local rape and abuse shelter’s outreach brochure or the modern-day Malleus Maleficarum for mental misfits, the undeniably unhelpful Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM). The questions also go on to serve a rhetorical purpose, of course: to convey to you, dear reader, that if you’re involved in relationships where any of the more extreme shades of domination can be found, you may very well be a doormat, too…and you should avoid that at all costs! All the while, how contrary to the spirit of consensual slavery these warnings are seldom ever seems to be considered by authors and self-made authorities hand waving against the ever dreaded bugaboo that is the lowly doormat. Naturally, this leaves us to ask what the difference between a doormat and a consensual slave really is. Is there any difference at all? Is there something about this phrase that stands wholly aside from the level of servitude and devotion required in slavery to another person in the first place? Let’s first examine the meaning of the word itself, first.

Doormat |ˈdôrˌmat|
Noun
One who submits meekly to domination or mistreatment by others.

In this simple if not sparse definition, we see the words submits, meekly, and domination. We know to submit means to yield to the will, power, or authority of something else. Meek is defined as patient, long-suffering, or submissive in disposition or nature. Domination, as it is used above, is the state of being so controlled. Thus far, nothing gleaned from the meaning of this word seems in contradiction to consensual slavery and the disposition required for it.

Where mistreatment is concerned, we can certainly say that’s all in the eyes of the beholder, and particularly where master-slave is concerned, it’s fair to say ordinary sentiment would label us M/s types as disciples of mistreatment, in the very least. We, being enthusiasts of serious submission, know better than that, however: what appears to be “mistreatment” is indeed mistreatment as ordinary society would define it, but for those who pursue this depth of servitude as a way of life, it’s fulfilling and right. It’s what we who desire such servitude want. Anyone who embraces the term “slave” with a straight face should know that quite well.

Sheer indiscrimination is another bastion of the naysayers against doormats in the D/s world. To them, all those who are highly malleable and submissive by nature in their personalities are deserving of a scarlet letter, for, as the conventional wisdom implies, all healthy consensual slaves have to be independent, self-respecting, ferocious tigresses in need of being overpowered by The One. The so-called One must see a woman for the powerful and headstrong siren she is, then genuflect up her temple of a hundred ivory steps to properly court her and, pardon me while I throw up in my mouth a little, “earn” her submission.

How many realize that serving a man this way—being a doormat to him or whomever he wishes—is synonymous with the realities of consensual slavery? It seems that those who draw such a bright contrast between the two are engaged in a bit of fashionable self-delusion, to say the least.

Only then is surrender of any form sanctioned in their eyes, apparently. Those females who roll over on their backs and expose their bellies too soon are spitefully considered “too easy” by the sisterhood (much like a sexually free woman is branded a slut in that “regular world”). These desperate bitches give up everything! They hardly resist! They submit to complete control by default! This may not be the way others feel comfortable giving of themselves, sure, but who are we to say less discrimination in the search for finding a master by applying abject submission more broadly is categorically wrong? Further, does it even matter what the moralistic logic is of what paths the individuals took to find each other, so long as there is a master and consensual slave in the end? Chiding someone over whether they are more or less discriminant with their submission during their search makes about as much sense as getting one’s knickers in a twist over coffee flavors or shades of pink. Surely, those strangely self-admiring women who claim to serve their men as slaves must concede to the fact they are in fact doormats to their masters too—and very willing ones at that. Granted, they may be doormats only for a particular person, yes, but doormats nonetheless. Um, right? For how can they possibly resolve the conflicting premise that serving someone as a slave is perfectly acceptable, but being a so-called “doormat” isn’t? Why make the distinction at all if you soberly embrace the reality of slavery?

But therein lies the rub in asserting there’s a fundamental difference. How many of those big-headed bleeding hearts identifying with the image of consensual slavery in their own lives truly embrace its absoluteness and all-encompassing logic? How many realize that serving a man this way—being a doormat to him or whomever he wishes—is synonymous with the realities of consensual slavery? It seems that those who draw such a bright contrast between the two are engaged in a bit of fashionable self-delusion, to say the least. Not convinced? Let’s look at the usual watch list items so often bandied about by the doormat detractors:

Does he tell you your opinions don’t matter?
Yes, we all know it can sometimes hurt when our masters remind us that our opinions may not matter on any given subject, but what’s the rational alternative in our chosen relationship paradigm? Demanding a culture where your regard is always carefully consulted? Where your opinion is always weighed fairly? Where you always have a say in things? If you demand such things, how do you resolve your need for his consideration to your longings for slavery, of all things? Is it possible you’re selling him and yourself short on your unwavering love and devotion in servitude?

Is he restricting your interaction with friends and family?
One could just as easily ask why can’t he? If you are indeed his slave to rule, to keep, and to command, shouldn’t he have that power by virtue of this fact? Certainly he should, and he would be wise to implement it, too. Restricting interaction with third parties is often smart and necessary when psychologically isolating girls for training. It’s really not anything too far-fetched on the roster of possible scenarios if you serve him with all your heart and soul and with all your love.

Are you allowed to leave?
Questions like these always seem strangely discordant, coming from a culture—supposedly—not estranged from the notion of consensual non-consent (a.k.a. consensual slavery). Do those who ask this question suddenly forget the depth of philosophy shared among those who live such deep personal subjugation?  Of course you’re not allowed to leave. You’re also not allowed to dress the way you want and style your hair the way you want, either. You’re not allowed to eat what you want and go where you want and buy what you want (covered next!) at any given time, too. That is, until you are released of your service to him or you invoke the only choice you have: to quit. Most women that deep into the process wouldn’t conceive of the notion of leaving in the first place, and we are apparently deranged enough to appreciate it when we aren’t allowed to just step out of and back into the relationship as if it were a bus.

Does he limit your access to work, money, or material resources?
At this extent, we’re beginning to sound a bit like a broken record on counterpoints, but the overall message bears repeating: consensual slavery and analogous states of servitude exist as all-encompassing forms of control and domination. Living this way is not a cute or unprincipled lifestyle mirage dismissed away by the woman whenever she feels the need step out of a simulation crafted solely, or mostly, with eros in mind; it is a reality with real implications stretching to all aspects of one’s personal life, including possessions, employment, and money, the holiest of proxies measuring freedom in larger society. It makes perfect sense that if a woman herself is so submissive as to be considered a possession, her right to own anything, even her own body, is logically overridden by her master. That doesn’t mean he lords that power over her head with daily, obnoxious, and dysfunctional glee, but it does mean both master and slave understand the logical extent of consensual slavery.

Does he frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
It’s well known that in the BDSM realm, “humiliation” itself is considered a fetish, along with a host of other species of glitzy psychodrama. Within relationships where submission goes beyond skin deep, however, being truly criticized, humiliated, or and having your self-esteem “undermined” isn’t such an outlandish idea at all. We need to be very careful about the word “esteem,” however, for so often it’s confused with the sensitivities and corrupting forces of a female’s ego. A man who brings his girl down a peg (or several) may very well be helping her and if she herself is appreciative of the depths to which human ego can corrupt and distort the mind, she should appreciate being put in her place in a way that makes him happy. She welcomes being humbled and lowered. She embraces being crushed so that she may be re-made. The journey admittedly has its challenges and demons to face, for facing truths about ourselves and especially our shortcomings can be painful, but if we can accept the pain and move past the indignity of it, enlightenment of true humility awaits on the other side. Confidence in a slave’s worth rightly should come from the master himself, who she has chosen and stayed with because he is just, wise, and a good judge. In him her esteem is reborn and refashioned.

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex?
Yes, I have and do. Do I complain about it? Of course not! Why? Because doing what he told me was part of the deal when I entered slavery to my master. Having to have sex on demand, of all things, is the least of my worries, quite frankly. There are many far less interesting things (depending upon how you look at it) involved in my life. How about having to stay up until the kitchen floor is scrubbed perfectly clean or the inside oven is spic and span? How about having to do research for him on-line for several hours on end? Scrub out the shower? Become a makeshift footrest at the snap of a finger? Massage him? Shave him? Iron his dress shirts? Pick up his dry cleaning? Do his laundry? Bear his children—or get an abortion? All these things are boilerplate examples of what a woman is likely to encounter in her slavery to a man, and cumulatively, they make the obvious “obligation to have sex” look rather insignificant by comparison.

Are you afraid of him?
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,” the Christian bible goes on to say, and it’s something I consider relevant,  being that Master is very much my God. A woman who fears her master takes her master seriously and respects his wishes. If she doesn’t fear him, she’ll find it easier to disobey him and subvert his authority.

Anyone with intimate knowledge of what makes a so-called doormat knows she’s highly motivated to please; she gets her greatest emotional highs from pleasing the man she serves and bases much of her self-worth on how useful she is to him.

Fearing her master doesn’t mean she can’t love him still. Do I fear my master? You bet I do! I also love him without end, in part because I fear him; he is a man I deeply admire and respect. He’s also a man who is no stranger to disciplining me mentally and physically when he feels I am in need of it. Is my fear a sign of trouble? Of course not. It’s all naturally part of what it means to serve a man as a slave.

Supplemental to the usual watch lists, common claims of the ever dreaded doormat range from assertions like, “they like feeling useless and devoid of emotion,” or “the men who like doormats just want an empty shell with no opinion.” Even if such things are solely desired, it still makes one wonder why there is a need to demonize people with these preferences. Just how much made of glass are our own houses when we practice to judge the ways others live or desire to?

Contrary to popular mythology, a doormat isn’t useless at all; she’s very useful in many ways, for she is easily controlled and obeys consistently. Isn’t that the purpose of a willing servant, anyway?  And who says doormats want to be “devoid of emotion?” Anyone with intimate knowledge of what makes a so-called doormat knows she’s highly motivated to please; she gets her greatest emotional highs from pleasing the man she serves and bases much of her self-worth on how useful she is to him. It is a lack of emotion that would make her psychologically dead and useless as a servant, for there wouldn’t be anything internally to motivate her and drive her toward being the best slave she can be. And what of the men? Do they want doormats because they want empty shells? No! They want slaves because slaves become extensions of their wills and it pleases men to see their women be filled with love for their teachings, their opinions, their discipline, their goals, and their dreams. So-called doormats become the perfect pool in which master may project his will, the perfect slave to strong male desire. What deeply submissive woman wouldn’t be proud of that? I certainly am. And that’s why I’m proud to call myself a doormat.

Not all women want to be or should be doormats, of course. The choice to be give a man everything that you are and devote everything you can be to him is a personal decision we all have to make. Do we want to be submissive housewives that generally submit to our husbands’ wishes or do we want to be outright slaves to men we’d call masters? Do we want to be something in between? There is an entire sliding scale of choice for us women who feel the desire to submit.  What we shouldn’t get in the habit of, however, is mocking or disparaging the deeper end of the scale merely because it conflicts with our preferences or abilities to give of ourselves. Doing so is intellectually rigid and unbecoming of women who refer to themselves as submissive, much less humble.


February 12, 2012

Cynicism

By Marc Esadrian

If one happens to frequent online social networks all about BDSM in mind, a few patterns may be seen eventually—some of them positive and some of them, well, not so positive. Challenging mainstream ignorance about sexuality has always been a strong suit of the BDSM crowd. I say crowd rather than lifestyle because BDSM, as it is now, has metastasized into something so large and inclusive that it’s impossible to speak of it with any particularity.

One thing the group has managed to do with its hyper-inclusiveness is foster an environment where words like “master” or “slave” mean little more than anything you want them to mean. Indeed, when perusing any board centered around these concepts, you’ll read such pearls of wisdom as “the difference between a submissive and slave are the letters,” or “we all know this isn’t real slavery,” or (my personal favorite) “there’s no such thing as truth in master-slave—it’s all up to the people involved to decide what the words mean.”

In a world teeming with cliques of milquetoast “masters” and sycophant “slaves” all conspiring to further a culture rife with somewhat lazy thinking, it’s easy to get a little cynical about the vision you hold dear to your heart, a vision where a woman may serve wholly and completely, in purity, love, and sacrifice, and a man may enthusiastically enforce the servitude and worship of his woman (or women) without any spiders in the milk, so to speak. It’s easy to become jaded by the illusions one sees in a plastic online world of paper lords and narcissistic “kajiras.” In places like Fetlife, for instance, we see these types all the time, stirring the pot, flaunting their self-obsession, ignorance, and disdain. And then there are, of course, the horror stories we hear of the mirages people have fallen prey to. We hear about the fakers and takers and about the disappointments and betrayals of trust. We hear, inevitably, about the blind leading the blind in a nefarious garden of fantasy, half-truths and outright lies. Navigating this underworld of ours is challenging, to say the very least, so challenging it sometimes feels like an exercise in futility.

What conspires to poison the ecosytem even more is the cynicism that naturally arises with all of this, and nowhere is the cost of this cynicism more toxic than in those who yearn to find a master or consensual slave who is the real deal. At some point, one may decide enough is enough and be done with the circus of commercialization and window dressing that gambols around these sincere human drives—drives that aren’t half as prolific as we would be led to believe in the fetish collective. The abhorrence of all this kinky silliness and smugness masquerading as something other than it really is becomes quite understandable, but I think we all have to be careful about throwing the baby out with the bathwater, as they say, when combing humanity for those rare beings we desire.

Humbled Females isn’t only about master and slave, but those who are inclined to pursue such a way of life would do well to reflect upon the simple fact that relationships of such extremes have never been the majority of even the select group of alternative lifestyle folk who find it easy to toss such words around. Men with enough self-actualization, dominance, caring, and leadership ability to be masters are very rare individuals and women suited to serve as consensual slaves are perhaps just as rare. In short, we have to do a reality check about the candy-coated online world of so-called power exchange. We should remember that supply and demand for the deeper shades of control and surrender, in reality, is often within the minority and nowhere near clustered around the casual mean.

It may be tempting to write everyone off in this little universe of ours as players or grudgingly conclude that master-slave is really about nothing more than creative sex for couples and deviant paramours. At times, it may seem affectation and sensual frivolity is all there is to it, but don’t write us all off as nothing but that. Some of us, believe it or not, are the real deal and take leadership and responsibility to another level. We may not be easy to find, but we’re out there, scattered far and wide amid the blandlands.


January 24, 2012

Discipline: The Greatest Gift

By Nina E.

I am what can best be described as a consensual slave. I wasn’t abducted, tricked, or brainwashed into it. I consented, once, to become someone’s slave, knowing full well what it would entail, as I was experienced and he took great pains to spell out the details, big and small. Since that moment my life, as I fully expected, has had nothing to do with consent. I am kept by a very strict but admirably fair Master whom I regard as a god. I consciously chose this life for myself because I have needed and craved it since my earliest memories. By “slave” I don’t mean to invoke the usual icons the mainstream and “alt” culture tends to forward when the word is used. My life as a slave is just that: the life of a slave. It is not easy. It is, in fact, replete with pain, struggle, and hard work and, I expect, will always be so. There is no saying “no” to him. There is no pleading to do something later, for whatever reason. When given a command I must drop everything to perform it. I am worked constantly and the products and benefits of my labor are never my own—they are all his. I must abide by a complex code of deeply respectful behavior designed to show my awareness of my status as his property as well as my appreciation and love for his presence in my life. If I slip up in any way, I am disciplined with both the belt and the more terrible lash of his tongue. I am new to being disciplined and I am imperfect in my servitude. When corrected, I often sob from remorse, fear, and pain, but nevertheless, I consider it to be the greatest gift my Master gives me.

Why would someone consciously choose to live in this way? The answer to such a question is complex; there really is no simple (or single) answer. Instead of covering all the possibilities, this writing approaches that question from just one angle: the need that some females have to transform themselves or their lives, to change into something more refined than what they started out as. Such a change, if you choose the life of a consensual slave and desire to become a better one, is greatly facilitated by discipline. Many people, including many who claim to be in such types of relationships, do not include discipline within their lives. Some feel it’s something appropriate only for immature children, not responsible adults. Others think the negativity of painful punishment outweighs any good it might bring about, but those who have studied the effects of discipline in-depth or experienced them first hand usually have a different tale to tell.

A simple analogy from Nature might help to illustrate the beneficial effects of discipline from a transformative point of view. Rocks in the natural world come in all sorts of shapes, colors, sizes, and materials: pumice, shale, sandstone, basalt, mica, and quartz are just a few of the many varieties. Only a few types of rocks have the potential to become polished, beautiful gems if the right treatments are applied. 

Human beings have something similar to a malleable stone inside them: the soul. Souls are far more delicate and complex than simple stone, but they, too, can be shaped, polished, faceted, and even placed in a setting that perfectly offsets their beauty—but, like stones, they will not really glow or shine unless they are of the right raw material.

For example, you can polish basalt all you wish, and it will still remain…a slightly shiny basalt which, while good enough for the bottom of an aquarium, has none of the luminous or translucent qualities we associate with gemstones. Sandstone, while it often has nice patterns that can be brought out by additional cutting and grinding, patterns ideal for flagstones or other building elements, will never glow with its own inner light. When you explore the class of rocks known as minerals, however, and, in particular, gemstones, you find that rocks which often don’t look like much in their raw state have the potential, through cutting, polishing, and correct placement, to become gorgeous works of art.

Human beings have something similar to a malleable stone inside them: the soul. Souls are far more delicate and complex than simple stone, but they, too, can be shaped, polished, faceted, and even placed in a setting that perfectly offsets their beauty—but, like stones, they will not really glow or shine unless they are of the right raw material. Most human souls with this potential are like common beach agates: randomly and haphazardly polished on the shores of life. The results are uneven and unpredictable, even hidden until placed into the right element. For agates, that element is water: they glow when wet and their semi-precious nature is revealed. Their nature becomes even clearer if these agates are then tumbled hard for many days in a lapidary.

To bring out a soul’s greatest beauty often requires far more than random blows from life that teach randomly and unevenly. For a soul fit to be a perfect servant, the finishing process requires two conscious wills: The first and strongest will is that of the “polisher” or Master. This person has a creative vision of what the end product will look like and the ability to recognize good raw material when he sees it. He also has a deep understanding of the processes that bring about the required transformation and an unwavering intention to follow these process through to the end, no matter how painful or difficult that might be. This determination, this steadfastness, is one of the rarest qualities to find in a would-be Master, for many self-proclaimed Masters who would polish the souls of their slaves are not up to the enormity of the task–particularly when things get difficult for the slaves.

The second conscious will is that belonging to the soul being polished. It must be the type of will that can patiently endure a long and painful process. The slave’s soul has to have a clear vision of the final result, believe it to be the highest ideal to strive for, and understand the connection between the pain of the process and the glowing end result. This, and her desire to please another, makes her receptive to being polished. She must be perceptive enough to recognize a skilled polisher when she sees one. She must not have the common flaws that cause people to quit a process halfway through or give up when things get a bit rough. Her devotion toward her polisher must be solid and steadfast as this will carry her through those times when even a strong intent and perseverance aren’t enough. The slave also has to understand that, unlike a gemstone, this process is never fully completed and that due to its malleability, her soul would degrade, turn dull, even sink below its original state if the polishing wasn’t kept up constantly. She must be willing to accept that pain on some level as her lot. A part of her, in fact, needs to crave the searing guidance.

In the context of a man refining his woman’s soul to his satisfaction, terms like polishing, faceting, and cutting all refer to discipline: physical and emotional pain that teaches her what she must do, how she must feel, and most important of all, who and what she really is.

For many years I participated in a lukewarm Master-slave relationship that was really a front for a romantic connection among equals. There is nothing wrong with this, but I longed for slavery. My Master at that time was in love with me and he was also philosophically disinclined to use corrective discipline. Like many others in such relationships, he didn’t believe it worked or that it was even necessary with me. He treated me with the utmost respect, we talked things out when I had difficulties, he let me clearly and freely express any emotion I felt toward himself and toward others.

As a result, I became a worse slave, not a better one. I was spoiled, indulged, coddled, and over-protected. I knew I could get my own way through manipulating him with my emotions. There were never any consequences for bad behavior. I ran wild on the Internet and was terribly disrespectful of others. I hid things from him and pretty much did whatever I felt like. I felt no obligation to be honest with him or to try harder to be a better servant, because I believed what he told me: that I was perfect for him just as I was. This coarsening of my personality would have continued until the day I died, had not my Master died first.

Losing him was the hardest thing I’d ever experienced. I realized many things during the loneliness and isolation of the ensuing years. Foremost among those realizations was that I still craved only to be a slave to a man I loved and worshiped.

I don’t feel resentment for any of the pain, no matter how harsh. His whip and belt hurt terribly, but I understand their necessity. Without his firm rule, I wouldn’t be able to change.

I also realized how very much I needed the strong guiding control of a Master that would not put up with my spoiled temper tantrums, my whining over how hard a command was, my attempts to wheedle out of my duties, or my inconsiderate and shrewish treatment of others. I finally realized that if I was going to succeed at improving myself in being a slave in more than name only, then the next time around I would need a special sort of man to shape me: the sort who wanted me to improve for him just as much as I wanted to and who knew how to bring about such improvement. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to find a person who could create such an environment of change around me.

And sure enough, under his discipline I feel myself changing: I feel the transforming processes upon my soul. I don’t feel resentment for any of the pain, no matter how harsh. His whip and belt hurt terribly, but I understand their necessity. Without his firm rule, I wouldn’t be able to change. I wouldn’t be able to become more loving, more subservient, more obedient to him with each passing day. But with his strong control and guiding discipline, I am becoming exactly what he wants me to become: a functional, useful female capable of sustaining the demands and rigors of total enslavement for a very long time and capable of loving her humble place at his feet.

The pain from discipline accomplishes a number of important goals. First, it improves memory. When a slave is forced to associate a bad behavior with a harsh slap or the strike of a whip, or is told to repeat out loud that she will not do such-and-such as each stroke is laid down, she tends to remember the next time that which she once found hard to focus upon. Secondly, pain reminds a slave, intimately and viscerally, of who and what she really is: his possession that can be used in whatever way he desires, no matter how she may feel about it. This realization, which many “slaves” who are treated more as “equals” likely never experience, makes her deeply grateful for her Master’s resolve and willingness to help her to improve. It also makes her thankful for the small mercies he bestows upon her during punishment. A slave’s soul is refined in this manner: she becomes more purely the property of her Master, she thinks more about his will and desires and less about her own, and she strives much harder to please him and not repeat past mistakes. She becomes beautiful in the eyes of those few who value selflessness above all else. Finally, the pain from discipline brings about a level of intimacy that is not achievable in any other way: it deepens the slave’s already profound dependency upon her Master and heightens her awareness of her humble role as his useful tool and plaything.