April 28, 2016

Acceptance

By Nina E.

Artwork by Brent Schreiber

Acceptance in submission (and of one’s submission) can be viewed as a work of art that is never finished and whose canvas is the human heart. When thinking of subservient women, this word brings to mind a shimmering oil painting composed of intense, positive attitudes onto which each humbled female’s consciousness casts her own particular hues. Within that shifting, beautiful canvas there is, for instance, the warm glowing shade of simple accomplishment. This is what a devoted female feels when she attempts something hard that she’s been ordered to do and does it fully, without complaint or reservation. There is often the solid and secure awareness that she is exactly where she should be in life, exactly where she belongs. There may be a deep sense of gratitude that, due to lucky coincidence, she met the man that she now serves, this man who so perfectly meets her strongest emotional needs. Then there’s the incredibly powerful sense of emotional security that a woman who needs ownership and control feels when she is truly owned and controlled. There’s also the near-blissful experience of giving generously and unstintingly of herself, no matter how hard it is, knowing that her energy, efforts, and sacrifices help to make her man’s life better. Some women feel a cleansing release from the pressure of having to make all of the decisions in life. It feels so good not to have to steer one’s own course through the world’s dangerous and troubled waters. A woman’s acceptance of her chosen lot in life, to serve a man she worships, even if it’s not absolutely perfect (and what in life is?) is an emotional canvas comprised of many brilliant complimentary colors. Acceptance brings quiet and abiding joy, peace, and relaxation to formerly stressed, unhappy, or insecure women who once wandered lost through their alienated, self-willed lives.

Complete acceptance of whatever her man wishes may bring a humbled female temporary distress at times, but overall her satisfaction, sense of purpose, and happiness with herself will be higher than at any other time in her adult life. One nice thing about acquiescing to the will of the man in your life is that this is not an arcane science, difficult to master. Any woman serving a man in a personal relationship can practice simple acceptance and benefit from it, provided he is also on board with it and not an unwilling participant in her fantasy of submission. She can, happily and securely, work toward perfecting herself under his watchful guidance and control.

There are many women who genuinely want to learn more and better ways to serve and surrender. They reject the idea of secretly fighting their men at every turn while they pretend absolute obedience.

Acceptance is an intentional choice that one must desire with a sincere heart as well as regularly embrace and affirm it if it is to be both genuine and strong. Some women, however, are incapable of the even the simplest levels of self-honesty and desire for personal change that this choice requires.They are far more invested in  (one could even say addicted to) dramatic acting out of petty emotional theater productions that always end with themselves in the right and others in the wrong. Such emotionally ill females are incapable of even the simplest and easiest forms of personal honesty and self-criticism.  And if they imagine themselves to be submissive and giving rather than grossly self-infatuated, they take a very different route when interacting with men they claim they want to serve. Emily is one such woman.

Emily is a drama queen par excellence. Online, she is known by others as a deeply submissive woman who loves her master passionately and who is almost preternaturally obedient. Her blogs are avidly read and praised by inexperienced submissive women and dominant men, who take her subtly boastful claims at face value. She thrives on this attention and on maintaining her sterling reputation, which, like many online reputations, is constructed almost entirely of an impressive house of cards: word-pictures painted for the gullible who want to believe she is for real but will never observe how she actually lives or behaves. She manages her image very well in the kinky social media she interacts with and no one would suspect that this exemplary female who seems to know so much about surrender and obedience is actually a harpy in her personal life, utterly determined to get her own way at all times, no matter what the cost to others, particularly to the man she putatively serves.

While Emily literally lives online as a sterling example of female submission, in her private, offline life, she is one of those women who “manages her own submission.” Her idea of control is what her master is “allowed” to exhibit around her or order her to do; anything else is either ignored or fought tooth and nail, often with a great deal of subtle psychological manipulation. Emily and her older, doting master still live apart, as many couples who initially meet online do until time and fortunes allow for a closer union. She has schemes on the back burner to change that, although, at the moment she is still quite busy with conditioning her master to “truly understand” her sensitive soul.

This relationship is still relatively new and certainly not her first attempt at submission to a man. Sadly, no man has been truly dominant enough to master her, she feels. Her current master, like so many others she has met, seems remarkably dense when it comes to her sensitive feelings and needs and sometimes she must literally shove them in his face before he acknowledges just how wonderful she is and all that she does for him. Emily never fully admits to herself how manipulative she is being. With a devoted, subservient self-image that she never questions, she resorts to what can only be termed “base trickery” to convince her master of her worth to him. All of her emotional ploys are, at core, about controlling her master’s reactions, steering his attitudes in the directions she wishes, and eventually getting him—by emotional reward and punishment—to give her whatever it is she feels her wounded soul needs at that time.

Don’t get me wrong: Emily is not a traditional gold-digger. What she wants is 90% emotional: attention, love, fawning adoration, her master’s exclusive time, and his firm belief that she is the best (and only) woman in the world for him. Although she prefers to believe she doesn’t think in such “vanilla” terms, ultimately, it will be no less than marriage and monogamy that will satisfy Emily. Emily, sadly, pursues these ephemeral goals with a calculated single-mindedness that a potential gold-digger could actually learn a great deal from.

One common stratagem out of many that Emily employs involves inventing a false emotional crisis and then insisting her master must fix it because, after all, he is the one responsible for how she is feeling. This common trick has been used many times by untold numbers of women. A woman who desires something from the average man learns quickly how easily these emotional parries and feints work. Most men, for all of their apparent strength and rationality, quail at the idea that their woman might be feeling deep desperation, hurt, confusion, and despair because of something they did. Good-hearted, honorable, and fair, believing their partners are honestly expressing pain, most men will do anything to make the women in their lives smile again. The average female figures out how to play on this noble tendency pretty early in life. In order to make her deception believable, Emily becomes a sort of method actor. Even though deep inside she knows that the latest crisis she’s invented is all a lie, for a time she manages to convince herself that it is absolutely real, that she is actually feeling this intense distress. Not only is it the worst pain she has ever experienced, but only her man’s acknowledgement of her pain, his heartfelt apology for hurting her so cruelly, and his sincere promise to make it up to her will bring her out of this dark pit of despair that he has, through his blundering and selfishness, sunk her into. Often men wander through life, oblivious to the subtle emotional games women play with them, and attribute their own sadness and lack of peace despite significant personal achievement to some internal failing. Emily’s “master,” unfortunately for him (and, ultimately, for her), is one such man.

Emily alternates her bouts of deep, depressed angst with periods of intense, bubbling joy and seemingly heartfelt flattery. When she’s at the top end of the ever-turning drama wheel, she writes him love letters that puts conventional purple prose to shame. Emily’s master responds to these in a predictable fashion. They make him proud of her and of the fact that he “owns” this incredibly rare prize. Both her accusations of his wrongdoing and his eventual realization and acceptance of what he has done “wrong” exhilarate Emily and make her feel as though she is at the center of his universe, constantly on his mind. So she repeats this easy cycle, over and over again, and after each dramatic crisis her “master” becomes more concerned, more careful, more fawning, cowed, and more amazed at what a marvelous find he has.

While “Emily” is an invented character, a composite sketch based on many women I have known or observed, she is not at all uncommon. Because I was myself once something of an “Emily,” I can easily spot Emily types at work. Many a female cannot genuinely handle giving up control or accepting that a man is her ultimate authority in all things. For them, instead of a relaxing, joyous experience, acceptance of his will is a shameful defeat, or a fearful, nervous state in which they are convinced that they’ll never get what they really need without intense covert manipulation. But, at the same time, submission to a man seems so romantic and special! Just look at the men who are lovingly served by women: these males seem so happy with their girls, so confident and virile! And those slave girls, they seem so deliriously happy all the time! Desire to be something that they really aren’t or cannot be sets up a conflict in the minds and emotions of such proud, willful, and intensely greedy women. They don’t want to give up their emotional power over men, but at the same time some part of them wants the romantic experience of completely submitting to male power—that is, as long as it’s only inconvenient, difficult, or painful in their fantasies. Many, like Emily, settle for the easy compromise of appearance over substance. They deceive themselves—as well as their men. How can they deceive a strong, alert, dominant man? They can’t, of course, so, if they’re smart, they carefully select men they sense will be vulnerable to their wiles: men who, for their own reasons, desire the flattery these women offer and the status of being a master far more than the gratification that comes from the hard work of actually controlling another person.

Luckily, most of the people I am writing for, the people who will visit a site like Humbled Females without becoming outraged, those who embrace its message of male-led relationships being the best for both men and women, are not “Emilys” nor, if they are male, do they want to own “Emilys.” There are many women who genuinely want to learn more and better ways to serve and surrender. They reject the idea of secretly fighting their men at every turn while they pretend absolute obedience. Likewise, many men who are drawn to a site like this are determined to be strong leaders in such relationships and not fall for the common female deceptions that they see their buddies struggling with. Such people, I believe, are in the majority, at least among this site’s population. Still, those of us who are female can probably recognize a little bit of Emily inside ourselves. It’s not because we are bad people, it’s because we are female: it’s a part of our genetic inheritance. But unlike a club foot, deafness, or other physical impairment, emotional tendencies toward deceptiveness can be actively fought and even reversed as long as a woman sincerely desires to change and is capable of rudimentary self-honesty.

“I feel like a GOOD person when I just accept whatever my master wants. For years, with other partners, I felt like a bitch from hell and hated myself for being that way.” —Nicole

For those of us who want to cleanse the inner “Emily” from our psyches (or at least put her under lock and key), there are a few basic principles of human psychology that, once we are familiar with them, make it easier to understand why acceptance is such an affirming and important choice for a female to make. They explain the basis behind how and why acceptance works, psychologically, to make ourselves and our men happier. Once a female serving a male grasps the psychological dynamics behind the fights for power and drama caused by nonacceptance and experiences the misery and dissatisfaction such struggles bring to all concerned, it becomes a lot easier to integrate genuine acceptance into her life.

For a woman who chooses submission, the inability to accept what the man in her life wants is often based on (1) faulty thinking and (2) unfamiliarity with a basic tenet of human nature. Let’s start with the basic tenet. This principle states simply that “desire is infinite.” No matter what you do, no matter how hard you strive, no matter how much you buy or how much is given to you, you are still going to, as long as you can think and feel, want more. That is normal human nature and it is not as bad as it sounds. Desires are at the base of almost all human achievements. They provide the energy that drives us to achievement, some of which may better the world for ourselves and for those around us. Desire is behind all of the good that we do—as well as the bad.

While I don’t think desire can be completely scrubbed from the life of most people, many can, if they want to, learn over time to step back from the latest thing that they desire and carefully examine the consequences of getting it or of continuing to crave it.

Desire is not greed but it can be easy to confuse the two. Greed is actually desire on steroids. There is a strong quantitative difference between the two emotions and it’s good to be able to distinguish this difference, because desire and greed have to be handled in different ways: what works for one doesn’t work for the other. This article is talking primarily about handling desires or wants, not intense greed. The latter is fueled by other energies such as insecurity and pride, and those things must be addressed first before one can make headway with greed.

Most people live their entire lives leapfrogging from desire to desire. This emotional habit starts very early, in childhood. It goes like this: We’re going along just fine, everything’s OK, but nothing is too special. Then suddenly there is a stimulus: we encounter or experience something fascinating, something new, and we think, “If only I had that object, that feeling, that person, that experience, I would be happy, content, fulfilled forever.” This thing, whatever it is, becomes the top priority on one’s A list. But have you noticed that after someone gets their much-sought-after “Item A,” whatever it happens to be, he or she is back, a few hours, days, or weeks later wanting something else? “Item B” is now the new shiny, the wonderful toy just out of one’s grasp, and one must have it, whereas Item A is now suddenly old hat, in fact, a bit boring. It felt so good to finally get it but now, for some strange reason, “A” no longer satisfies. If you think about your life, you can probably remember times in the past when you told yourself the same thing: “If I could only have this amazing object, person, career, trip to Tibet that I crave, I’d never desire anything else.” But did that really happen? Are you still truly satisfied and happy right now, in the present, simply because you got something you really desired ten years ago? Are you completely content, without a single new desire popping up or competing for your attention? Do you even find that once-amazing “Item A” interesting anymore?

It’s good to remember that desires are infinite and ever-changing: we’ll always have them for one thing or another and they will always seem necessary or even urgent. But when you realize that your current desperately unfulfilled desire is just going to be replaced by something else when it is filled, your craving for the next new thing starts to relax. There’s really no need for rushing or desperation about this, because you’re going to feel this way for the rest of your life: for thing, after thing, after thing, always replacing the current shining objective with something else. So why place such extreme importance on your latest “I must have this?” As soon as you’ve plucked this latest wonderful thing off time’s ever-moving conveyor belt, there will be something else delicious rolling along right toward you. If you think about strong desire in this fashion, as perpetual and cyclic, as an ever-recurring part of being alive and experiencing time, you can see the faulty logic in thinking, “If I only had A, I would be sublimely happy and never want for more.”

“I was amazed the first time I gave in, really gave in, to my husband during an argument I wanted so bad to win. At first I was crying bitterly, but as I cried I started to feel relief: the tears were washing away my bitterness, my need to win every argument, my need to control the relationship, even control the direction of my own submission. Suddenly I was able to let go of that tremendous burden of feeling like I had to run things—and I felt lighter than air.” —Lauren

The fact that desires are infinite has an important corollary: most of us enjoy, really enjoy, the tension of wanting something. For many, it’s what gives zest to life. We also deeply enjoy the few moments after we achieve what we want: the instant where the tension of needing this thing is released and the short period of relative bliss that follows. But, in general, we don’t enjoy simply having the thing nearly as much—at least not without the added frisson of stress or fear over losing it. Few possessed things require such additional tension, however, and so most people start, sooner or later, to take the good things that they have acquired in their lives for granted. We do this because most of us, to put it bluntly, are tension junkies: we secretly enjoy that hard, tightly wound-up ball of “constant craving,” of deeply wanting something that seems difficult or nearly impossible to get. We also greatly enjoy, even to the point of addiction, the instant high when the tension of neediness is finally released and we achieve what we’ve craved for so long. Although sometimes there is a letdown or disappointment that follows a great achievement, typically, the longer and harder we want something, the more delicious that instant of release. When observing yourself closely during these cycles, the tension-release cycle of desire can feel a lot like being a hamster in a cage, perpetually running on a wheel that goes nowhere. You desire something, you either get it or you don’t, but either way you soon desire something new. It’s an endless (and imprisoning) loop.

What stops most people from observing this is that they have become addicted. They crave desire’s tension and release intensely—although they often think they are craving a particular object rather than an emotional windup and release. From this idle, needling craving comes a great deal of the stressful emotional drama that adults create in their lives. Inside many adult bodies that are speaking so rationally and acting so politely is someone screaming and raging, like a purple-faced toddler rolling about on the floor because mommy or daddy wouldn’t buy her the candy she craved in the grocery store. Like that toddler, many such people will not stop creating scenes until they get what they want. Men’s “scenes” tend to be fairly straightforward: even if their desires are irrational, it is clear what they want. But a woman often cloaks her frustration and rage at not getting what she wants with a subtle, carefully constructed (albeit false) rationale accompanied by an initially acceptable and pleasing demeanor that is based on what she knows about the person she is trying to get something from—and what she thinks she can easily slip by him.

So, what exactly do we do with this bit of human psychology about desires, tension, and release? There are actually a lot of things we can do. For instance, those trying to become aware of their addiction to the tension/release emotional cycle will often ask themselves things like: “Do I really need this thing? Is it absolutely necessary?” While I don’t think desire can be completely scrubbed from the life of most people, many can, if they want to, learn over time to step back from the latest thing that they desire and carefully examine the consequences of getting it or of continuing to crave it. Will achieving this object or goal be useful to me or actively harm me? What about those I love? Does it further hinder any other important life goals? Does it this desire clash with or contradict other, equally strong desires that I have? And if there are clashes, which desire should get the priority?

“I love seeing how content my acceptance makes Him. Sure, it feels great personally to surrender to Him and accept anything from Him. I’m female, after all. But better even than that is watching his satisfaction in what he has molded me into.” —Amy

The ability to examine desires analytically rather than just blindly and intensely seeking to satisfy them is especially important to women whose control over their lives and particularly over which desires they can fulfill is, by the nature of their special relationships, more or less curtailed. The very fact that you not only can have some control over what you feel you want but can consciously reject a desire when it is important to do so, can be very exhilarating. It offers one a much clearer path through life. No longer does living have to be thrown off-kilter or progress halted due to random but exceedingly intense cravings that take over everything. For example, when it comes to a high-cost desire, you may very well find that, whether the currency is money, effort, or emotions, you can get that rush in so many other gratifying but less costly ways: eating an ice-cream cone instead of buying an expensive dinner out, purchasing a new book or a lipstick instead of begging your master for that $500 dress, renting a good movie instead of annoying someone who’s trying to work simply because you are bored, having a relaxing soak in the tub with candles and wine if you are stressed, and so on. There are so many other things in life to try, to explore, or make time for that are fascinating, fun, gratifying, that give you a rush of accomplishment and attainment, and are far less costly in material or emotional terms than a “big ticket” item. The trick is to imagine things you want but tend to put aside because they’re small and easily obtainable and then to gratify yourself with one of them. By satisfying the underlying desire to feel the tension of needing and then its release, we can get our “rush” of fulfillment from something far less costly—and be content for a while.

When in the grip of a strong desire, it can be hard to imagine how to lessen its hold. You want it and nothing else will do. One way to do this is to take a step back and look at all that is good around you, all that you have. Think of how amazingly lucky you are: you have health, food, shelter, possibly love, friendships, a job, intelligence, the leisure time to read an article like this one, and the relatively expensive electronic device needed to access it. The majority of people living in this world lack most of these things, but we, through an accident of birth and circumstance, have lucked out.

Now take another step back and see how your craving for tension and its relief sometimes hurts others around you. Is there any justification for causing someone else pain simply because you want something and you will not rest until you get it? Do you really need to be this selfish, is the thing at stake worth causing others misery? A common case in which this situation crops up, as we saw with Emily, is when a female creates a lot of unnecessary drama around the people she is close to, like inventing problems out of whole cloth so that the man she is supposedly serving will “solve them” for her (and thus, a part of her thinks, serve her). Creating drama is a rather dysfunctional exercise of desire’s tension/relief cycle because “desires” created with the ulterior motive (however hidden that motive may be from its creator) to stir up trouble are not natural or, in most cases, genuine.

“I used to tell myself all the time how great I was at accepting, how “surrendered” I was. I was so proud of being the super-submissive that all the other girls in my circle looked up to. But deep inside I felt like a hypocrite because at home, with my master, I wasn’t so perfect after all.” —Jasmine

Women who engage in regular drama with men they are close to sometimes do so because they are unable to move past the deeply romantic “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, when it eventually nears an end. Some females grow addicted to all the special attention the men in their lives gave them during this time of “court and spark.” When things settle down (as they should, so that the relationship can grow in new and, quite often, much better directions) such women, instead of waiting for this mature and much deeper stage to ripen, are unsettled, unhappy, longing for the excitement and thrills of the earlier romantic courtship phase. They wistfully desire to be new, mysterious, and unknown all over again, so that their every thought and word, however trivial, will be given special consideration. This sort of female, frustrated by no longer being the absolute center of her man’s attention, can invent violent emotional storms in an attempt to take center stage again. These inventions take many forms. They are seldom direct attacks. Often they take the form of  very subtle and seemingly self-denigrating manipulations—but they are still attacks on the man’s authority and ploys to get more attention paid to her. She may, for instance, angrily accuse a boyfriend of seeing other girls or liking other women more than herself, even when there’s absolutely no truth to that accusation. For her (and for him, if he’s not watchful) her intense emotion over this non-issue “makes” it true. Or she might accuse her husband of not loving her enough or caring about the things that are important to her. She may claim that with his demands for service, her master is holding her back from fulfillment, achievement, and personal growth. She may intentionally misunderstand what a man says, spinning it as a sly, ugly attack that he never intended, so that she can play the poor abused victim. She may insinuate that her man is bored with her or claim that he severely underestimates her intelligence, loyalty, or obedience. And, of course, there is the ever-present unspoken accusation, even if she seldom speaks of it directly, that he just doesn’t try hard enough to understand her.

The tension caused by a woman’s negative, dishonest indirect, and highly dramatic attacks on a man she is in a relationship with and the relief she (if not him) feels when he capitulates to her whims, accepts her accusations, and gives her what she wants, substitutes for what she sees as a severe loss of the attention and vanity-stroking that she once basked in during the springtime of the relationship. Acting out this perpetual tension-relief cycle only feeds her addiction for more of it. She may become calm and mollified for a while, especially if the man has worked hard to “bring her back.” All is quiet until she starts to feel a lack: he isn’t flattering her enough, listening as closely to everything she says, not following her “advice,” nor communicating with her as frequently as she wants. She broods over this, slowly, getting increasingly worked up as she does so. She conveniently fantasizes that something is terribly wrong—with him—and that it is up to her to bring him back (in line). And then, not too long after that, the next new thing to get extremely upset over pops into her mind. And so the drama wheel turns.

“I don’t know, really. I like to give in and just accept everything my man tells me to be, but sometimes I feel a little wrong about it. Sometimes I worry that if I don’t assert myself, I’ll never be able to survive on my own. But he’s slowly teaching me that accepting his will is not the same as mindlessness or stupidity.” —Melissa

And here’s where another type of faulty thinking comes in. In many cases, a female’s addiction to drama is brought about by her desiring too much from a dominant man, by her wanting much more than “just” a life of loving, devoted service. She wants it all, which often means a dominant man whom she can secretly control. She succumbs to greed, in other words. And what is greed? Desire on steroids, yes. Also a violent hot fire, often accompanied by the choking smoke of envy, which destroys everything in its path. Do wonderful, giving females who simply want to serve, really do this? Absolutely, some do, but not all of us. Some of us choose to struggle directly with our internal demons rather than dramatically project them upon others—and are actually winning the battles, one slow step at a time.

Acceptance is not just an idealized trait that a woman can imagine that she already has simply because she wants it to be so. It requires considerable awareness and patience to genuinely accept whatever your man gives you and not want more.

How do some women work on subduing their desire to cause drama? One really effective way to do this is by practicing acceptance. Acceptance involves, first and foremost, understanding that all females, including her and maybe especially her, are prone to this selfish, dramatic behavior. While it’s a relief to know you aren’t the only one with tendencies to act this way, it’s also rather humiliating to face the fact that you’re only female, with all of the weaknesses of our sex, not some special, superhuman angel immune to all of these tawdry games. A woman who embraces service may hide her propensity for drama from herself better than a woman who is completely unashamed of the way she uses and manipulates men. This can make the disease harder to root out, because we may start out blind to the fact that we feel and act this way: these ugly emotions are just not part of who we believe ourselves to be at heart. However hard it is for a female to admit, it’s only when she can see clearly how she feeds her addiction to the tension-relief cycle by causing others pain, stress, or sorrow that she has a chance of changing this ugly behavior. Once she is aware of that pattern, a woman can begin to learn both to tone down her greed for attention and to direct her need for tension and relief toward an objective that is positive—or at least relatively harmless.

Some women also need to realize that their tendency to make emotional mountains out of molehills causes their men to be constantly put out, unsettled, unhappy, never able to rest or relax. The sad result of constant drama cycles is that instead of a nutritious and bountiful harvest that nourishes both parties of a growing, maturing relationship, there will be nothing left after the fleeting blooms of Spring’s romance fade and fall from the trees. What little emotional fruit tries to grow during the long, hot summer of the maturing relationship will not be able to do so in the drama-heavy but strangely barren environment those females who are unconsciously addicted to attention tend to foster.

Acceptance is not just an idealized trait that a woman can imagine that she already has simply because she wants it to be so. It requires considerable awareness and patience to genuinely accept whatever your man gives you and not want more. In other words, acceptance is developed by slow, hard practice, not simply by telling yourself that because you now understand this concept suddenly everything will magically be different. It almost never is different if, despite the so-called amazing insights, one still does the same old stuff as before, so it’s important for a humbled female to stop repeating to herself that type of lie. There are no intellectual magic wands involved in this process. Understanding is almost always barren and ineffectual without hard experience, without actually going through what one claims from a safe, cozy distance to intellectually understand.

Acceptance is a difficult skill to master, but absolutely essential to a humbled female’s future happiness as a servant to another. Acceptance takes time, effort, and understanding to develop. It doesn’t happen overnight or even over a few months. But it is absolutely crucial that women who serve learn how to accept and be happy with everything they have been given, rather than constantly dissatisfied and whining for something more. The more restricted and controlled a woman’s life, the more she will need to learn, for her own happiness as well as for the continuation of the relationship, to simply accept.

Once a woman truly understands that desire is infinite and never ends—that it never becomes satiated more than a few moments, hours, or days, no matter how often it is fed—she can start to relax around it, start to see that her desires are not as serious and as pressing as she once imagined them to be. She realizes that she’s not going to die or suffer deeply if she doesn’t get exactly what she wants this instant—or even next week. She also cannot, particularly if she’s become aware of her tendency to cause drama, latch onto one single act of her man and imagine it, and only it, demonstrates devotion or care on his part (and a lack of it means he despises her). She may even come to the highly pleasing realization that she is the one who should be expressing devotion and care toward him, rather than demanding he give more and more demonstrations of homage and express ever more need for her.

Acceptance of servitude starts with acceptance of yourself. Nobody is perfect and certainly nobody is perfect at service. None of us are born to this way of living. Instead, most of us have to unlearn a lot of bad, old habits, such as obstinacy or a desire to manipulate others or even feeling “hurt” by the lack of attention we seem to be receiving from someone. As you live in a real-life situation where you are serving a man, you start to see how complex service really is. Superficially, it all seems so simple: he orders me and I obey. But each order comes within a context. Many orders you won’t mind obeying at all; others will be quite difficult or may seem overwhelming. Working through these difficulties means finding ways to surmount your baser instincts to rebel, resist, or make excuses for yourself and doing what you must without expecting or demanding any rewards in return. This is what genuine servitude is all about—and there are always new challenges. In fact, they never end. That is actually a good thing. Challenges both sustain and strengthen a servant. They “stretch” her by inspiring her to change in positive ways. A woman who becomes good at acceptance doesn’t beat herself over the head with every little failure. She understands that failure is natural and human. Instead, she tries to learn new things from each incident: What wrong ideas did I have that caused this to be so unpleasant? Why did I feel the need to be sarcastic or angry at him? Was doing what he wanted really worth all the fuss and drama that preceded it? How am I going to avoid this reaction in the future?

Losing to her male, conceding ground, admitting she is wrong and he is right: all of this feels so basic and so very right. It’s no wonder that she responds physically and in a most natural way: it’s very hot to be under a man’s dominance. 

Do you know what I mean when I say that while no man is perfect (just as no woman is), the man you are serving may be perfect for you? The average woman, who considers herself equal to her male partner (if not much more), is often acutely aware of his defects. Let’s face it, women notice details, sometimes positive details but often negative ones, and the average female who is dissatisfied with her role in life but doesn’t understand why will often blame the man she is close to for this dissatisfaction: if only he would take out the trash more, not leave his shoes lying about, take her out to a club or movie, or listen to her more carefully, she’d be so happy. Those of us who serve men will also notice that they are not perfect in everything that they do, but instead of blaming our dissatisfaction on them or on their habits, we adjust ourselves instead: we train ourselves not to mind these things so much, we “stop sweating the small stuff.” We often feel so happy and privileged, even, to be serving our men. We know that these little things really don’t matter, because the biggest need in our lives is being met by their control. Getting that deep need met is so soothing and calming that it makes the little imperfections that we notice pretty trivial in comparison.

“Acceptance feels to me like a cool breeze on a hot day in the desert! The desert is my controlling heart and the breeze of acceptance is the only thing that keeps everything within it from withering up and dying.”—Taylor

A wonderful part of acceptance of one’s servitude toward a man is in finding that you’ve become more forgiving of yourself and also of others close to you, particularly him. There are far more important things in your life to think about now than to speculate crazily about whether he’s out to get you. You now have a place, an identity that feels so good and so very solid that you no longer need the dysfunctional games that weaker personalities play to make themselves feel better. You are better, healthier, happier, and that expresses itself by a natural lowering of aggression and drama around others. Happy people are far too busy and involved in improving their and others’ happiness to develop the obsessions and engage in the drama that the perpetually miserable seem to love.

For those who yearn for a male-led relationship and feel that this is the only right way to live, acceptance can be incredibly erotic. Have you ever noticed that after you’ve conceded a major point to your man—apologized to him, accepted harsh discipline, felt humiliated or just been amazed by his wisdom—that you start feeling wet between your legs? Have you noticed that happening after a bitter verbal battle—which you lost? It’s a common reaction for women like us and at first it can seem a little confusing. A woman to whom this happens may wonder if she is eroticizing self-hatred or failure. But after a while she starts to realize she doesn’t get aroused if this sort of thing happens around other people. It’s only triggered by a certain person: the man who controls her. Losing to her male, conceding ground, admitting she is wrong and he is right: all of this feels so basic and so very right. It’s no wonder that she responds physically and in a most natural way: it’s very hot to be under a man’s dominance. Her sexual response has nothing to do with thinking she’s a nobody or stupid or evil; it has everything to do with realizing, once again, why it is she follows this glorious man. He is stronger than her, smarter than her in many ways, and far more aggressive and dominant than her. And that is so wonderfully erotic.

It is several years later and Emily feels great anticipation inside herself as she drives home from a shopping trip. She’s gotten everything she wanted. Although she doesn’t think of it in these terms, she has been training her master non-stop, and he now backs down immediately when she indicates the least bit displeasure or unhappiness over an order or even a request. Emily’s emotions run this relationship quite competently. She now lives with her master, he’s stopped seeing or even contacting other females for service (something he told her at the beginning was a part of his nature and that he’d always do), and a marriage date is set. He’s become cowed, fearful of making her upset, and so eager to please. And yet, getting what she worked so hard for is all strangely dissatisfying. Lost in her vanity and self-interest, Emily decides her master must be to blame for her current feelings of restlessness and being let down and she has come up with a delicious way to get him to regret his non-dominant ways that she once worked so hard to foster in him. She’s going to reveal to him that she’s been seeing another dominant man to get her needs to serve met, the needs that he so callously ignores. (This isn’t exactly true, but she’ll find someone quickly online if she has to prove it to him.) She’ll point out to him what a pussy he’s been, how he lets her walk all over him, and how his weakness disappoints and confuses her. She knows that when he repents and decides to take over the reins of control again in order to give her what she wants she’ll rebel even more crazily and violently than before until he is back in his place. Emily is thinking: “He’s hurt me so bad by being such a wimp of a man!” Although she won’t admit it to herself, she is feeling: “Oh god, what a fun way to ‘get him’ this is going to be!”

Emily drives into their garage and unlocks the door to the house. She calls, “Master? Master! Where are you?” She’s annoyed that he’s not responding: the game-playing jerk is ignoring her! She wanders from room to room. Finally she enters his “man cave” (the one room in their shared abode she doesn’t impose her personal tastes in décor on) and sees her master, lying crumpled on the carpet, his face blue, his chest still. Emily suddenly realizes, as her world starts to plummet around her, that the time for drama games is long gone. It’s the beginning of Emily’s rude awakening, of realizing how differently (and how much better) she could have treated him, how deeply she’s going to miss him, how hard it will be to live without his calm, positive soul always supporting her when she was scared or discouraged, how absolutely horribly she’s betrayed this good, honorable man, and, especially, how she’ll never be able to express to him how much she loved him and depended on him. A door in Emily’s life has slammed shut and she’ll live with her regret until the end of her days.

It may not seem like this to you right now, but in truth, time is incredibly short. There comes a time for everyone when years will seem to have passed by in an instant. It is the hope of this article that those of you reading this are already happy and accepting in submission to your men, or, if not, are able to find your way to a better, more fulfilling way of living before you experience, as poor Emily did, that it is far too late.


January 24, 2012

Discipline: The Greatest Gift

By Nina E.

I am what can best be described as a consensual slave. I wasn’t abducted, tricked, or brainwashed into it. I consented, once, to become someone’s slave, knowing full well what it would entail, as I was experienced and he took great pains to spell out the details, big and small. Since that moment my life, as I fully expected, has had nothing to do with consent. I am kept by a very strict but admirably fair Master whom I regard as a god. I consciously chose this life for myself because I have needed and craved it since my earliest memories. By “slave” I don’t mean to invoke the usual icons the mainstream and “alt” culture tends to forward when the word is used. My life as a slave is just that: the life of a slave. It is not easy. It is, in fact, replete with pain, struggle, and hard work and, I expect, will always be so. There is no saying “no” to him. There is no pleading to do something later, for whatever reason. When given a command I must drop everything to perform it. I am worked constantly and the products and benefits of my labor are never my own—they are all his. I must abide by a complex code of deeply respectful behavior designed to show my awareness of my status as his property as well as my appreciation and love for his presence in my life. If I slip up in any way, I am disciplined with both the belt and the more terrible lash of his tongue. I am new to being disciplined and I am imperfect in my servitude. When corrected, I often sob from remorse, fear, and pain, but nevertheless, I consider it to be the greatest gift my Master gives me.

Why would someone consciously choose to live in this way? The answer to such a question is complex; there really is no simple (or single) answer. Instead of covering all the possibilities, this writing approaches that question from just one angle: the need that some females have to transform themselves or their lives, to change into something more refined than what they started out as. Such a change, if you choose the life of a consensual slave and desire to become a better one, is greatly facilitated by discipline. Many people, including many who claim to be in such types of relationships, do not include discipline within their lives. Some feel it’s something appropriate only for immature children, not responsible adults. Others think the negativity of painful punishment outweighs any good it might bring about, but those who have studied the effects of discipline in-depth or experienced them first hand usually have a different tale to tell.

A simple analogy from Nature might help to illustrate the beneficial effects of discipline from a transformative point of view. Rocks in the natural world come in all sorts of shapes, colors, sizes, and materials: pumice, shale, sandstone, basalt, mica, and quartz are just a few of the many varieties. Only a few types of rocks have the potential to become polished, beautiful gems if the right treatments are applied. 

Human beings have something similar to a malleable stone inside them: the soul. Souls are far more delicate and complex than simple stone, but they, too, can be shaped, polished, faceted, and even placed in a setting that perfectly offsets their beauty—but, like stones, they will not really glow or shine unless they are of the right raw material.

For example, you can polish basalt all you wish, and it will still remain…a slightly shiny basalt which, while good enough for the bottom of an aquarium, has none of the luminous or translucent qualities we associate with gemstones. Sandstone, while it often has nice patterns that can be brought out by additional cutting and grinding, patterns ideal for flagstones or other building elements, will never glow with its own inner light. When you explore the class of rocks known as minerals, however, and, in particular, gemstones, you find that rocks which often don’t look like much in their raw state have the potential, through cutting, polishing, and correct placement, to become gorgeous works of art.

Human beings have something similar to a malleable stone inside them: the soul. Souls are far more delicate and complex than simple stone, but they, too, can be shaped, polished, faceted, and even placed in a setting that perfectly offsets their beauty—but, like stones, they will not really glow or shine unless they are of the right raw material. Most human souls with this potential are like common beach agates: randomly and haphazardly polished on the shores of life. The results are uneven and unpredictable, even hidden until placed into the right element. For agates, that element is water: they glow when wet and their semi-precious nature is revealed. Their nature becomes even clearer if these agates are then tumbled hard for many days in a lapidary.

To bring out a soul’s greatest beauty often requires far more than random blows from life that teach randomly and unevenly. For a soul fit to be a perfect servant, the finishing process requires two conscious wills: The first and strongest will is that of the “polisher” or Master. This person has a creative vision of what the end product will look like and the ability to recognize good raw material when he sees it. He also has a deep understanding of the processes that bring about the required transformation and an unwavering intention to follow these process through to the end, no matter how painful or difficult that might be. This determination, this steadfastness, is one of the rarest qualities to find in a would-be Master, for many self-proclaimed Masters who would polish the souls of their slaves are not up to the enormity of the task–particularly when things get difficult for the slaves.

The second conscious will is that belonging to the soul being polished. It must be the type of will that can patiently endure a long and painful process. The slave’s soul has to have a clear vision of the final result, believe it to be the highest ideal to strive for, and understand the connection between the pain of the process and the glowing end result. This, and her desire to please another, makes her receptive to being polished. She must be perceptive enough to recognize a skilled polisher when she sees one. She must not have the common flaws that cause people to quit a process halfway through or give up when things get a bit rough. Her devotion toward her polisher must be solid and steadfast as this will carry her through those times when even a strong intent and perseverance aren’t enough. The slave also has to understand that, unlike a gemstone, this process is never fully completed and that due to its malleability, her soul would degrade, turn dull, even sink below its original state if the polishing wasn’t kept up constantly. She must be willing to accept that pain on some level as her lot. A part of her, in fact, needs to crave the searing guidance.

In the context of a man refining his woman’s soul to his satisfaction, terms like polishing, faceting, and cutting all refer to discipline: physical and emotional pain that teaches her what she must do, how she must feel, and most important of all, who and what she really is.

For many years I participated in a lukewarm Master-slave relationship that was really a front for a romantic connection among equals. There is nothing wrong with this, but I longed for slavery. My Master at that time was in love with me and he was also philosophically disinclined to use corrective discipline. Like many others in such relationships, he didn’t believe it worked or that it was even necessary with me. He treated me with the utmost respect, we talked things out when I had difficulties, he let me clearly and freely express any emotion I felt toward himself and toward others.

As a result, I became a worse slave, not a better one. I was spoiled, indulged, coddled, and over-protected. I knew I could get my own way through manipulating him with my emotions. There were never any consequences for bad behavior. I ran wild on the Internet and was terribly disrespectful of others. I hid things from him and pretty much did whatever I felt like. I felt no obligation to be honest with him or to try harder to be a better servant, because I believed what he told me: that I was perfect for him just as I was. This coarsening of my personality would have continued until the day I died, had not my Master died first.

Losing him was the hardest thing I’d ever experienced. I realized many things during the loneliness and isolation of the ensuing years. Foremost among those realizations was that I still craved only to be a slave to a man I loved and worshiped.

I don’t feel resentment for any of the pain, no matter how harsh. His whip and belt hurt terribly, but I understand their necessity. Without his firm rule, I wouldn’t be able to change.

I also realized how very much I needed the strong guiding control of a Master that would not put up with my spoiled temper tantrums, my whining over how hard a command was, my attempts to wheedle out of my duties, or my inconsiderate and shrewish treatment of others. I finally realized that if I was going to succeed at improving myself in being a slave in more than name only, then the next time around I would need a special sort of man to shape me: the sort who wanted me to improve for him just as much as I wanted to and who knew how to bring about such improvement. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to find a person who could create such an environment of change around me.

And sure enough, under his discipline I feel myself changing: I feel the transforming processes upon my soul. I don’t feel resentment for any of the pain, no matter how harsh. His whip and belt hurt terribly, but I understand their necessity. Without his firm rule, I wouldn’t be able to change. I wouldn’t be able to become more loving, more subservient, more obedient to him with each passing day. But with his strong control and guiding discipline, I am becoming exactly what he wants me to become: a functional, useful female capable of sustaining the demands and rigors of total enslavement for a very long time and capable of loving her humble place at his feet.

The pain from discipline accomplishes a number of important goals. First, it improves memory. When a slave is forced to associate a bad behavior with a harsh slap or the strike of a whip, or is told to repeat out loud that she will not do such-and-such as each stroke is laid down, she tends to remember the next time that which she once found hard to focus upon. Secondly, pain reminds a slave, intimately and viscerally, of who and what she really is: his possession that can be used in whatever way he desires, no matter how she may feel about it. This realization, which many “slaves” who are treated more as “equals” likely never experience, makes her deeply grateful for her Master’s resolve and willingness to help her to improve. It also makes her thankful for the small mercies he bestows upon her during punishment. A slave’s soul is refined in this manner: she becomes more purely the property of her Master, she thinks more about his will and desires and less about her own, and she strives much harder to please him and not repeat past mistakes. She becomes beautiful in the eyes of those few who value selflessness above all else. Finally, the pain from discipline brings about a level of intimacy that is not achievable in any other way: it deepens the slave’s already profound dependency upon her Master and heightens her awareness of her humble role as his useful tool and plaything.