May 26, 2018
Anger: The Fire Inside
By Nina E.
Maya, a childless woman in her late 20s, hopes to become Richard’s slave one day. She and Richard met online and have had a couple of wonderful visits, but they live miles apart and for now the relationship is mostly conducted remotely. This is her first experience with enslavement. It’s frustrating and hard to live apart from one’s master, but Maya feels it is worth it, and understands that merging their lives together will take time.
Richard, 34, is very strict with her, despite the fact that they do not yet live together, and, under his rule, Maya performs a great many duties and tasks she never had to do before. Instead of letting her apartment go for days or weeks until she feels in the mood for cleaning, she must keep it spotless: clean up the kitchen after every meal and wash the dishes; vacuum, dust, and clean the bathroom once a week; throw out trash on a daily basis; and so on. She is also required to watch her weight, exercise five times a week, not drink nearly as much as she used to, and perform numerous odd jobs for him that sometimes cause her to miss her former free time and recreations. Everything in her life has changed and, most recently, she has been required to reduce her spending and send a part of her income to Richard every month. She is no longer allowed to spend money on clothes, makeup, wine or cocktails, entertainment, or other non-essentials without permission—she must run these all by Richard first. Even though she knows this discipline and cutting back is for her own good and preparing her for the rigors of slavery, a small secret part of her has begun to feel resentful of Richard, to think of him as the enemy, the person who denies her all pleasures and good times, while he gets to have “all the fun.” This isn’t entirely true, and she knows this. He allows her small and regular indulgences. And he is very self-disciplined in the way he treats himself. But she still feels resentful. She has started to compare her far-more restricted life to that of her friends and coworkers and feels she is coming up short.
Maya doesn’t mention any of this resentment to Richard. She takes pride in being an ideal slave and, under a pseudonym, regularly boasts about her pristine behavior on kinky social networks. She has quite a stake in being “the perfect slave.” Thus, she ignores the rumblings under the surface, the building resentment, the growing unease with “being treated unfairly.” Although ignored by her, these feelings grow stronger and, without her realizing it, they start to show themselves in subtle ways. For example, when she sends part of her pay to Richard every month, she is required to express mail cash to him on the day the paycheck arrives. At first she kept to this schedule perfectly. But for the last two months, she’s ended up sending the money a few days late, and this month she didn’t even send it by overnight express mail, but instead chose a less expensive (and longer) mail service. When Richard asks her, “Where’s the check?” she lies: “I don’t know, Sir. I put it in the mail at the appropriate time. Maybe the post office lost it.” When he gets the package several days later, and sees it wasn’t sent overnight, he again asks her what happened. She pretends ignorance, claiming she accidentally chose the wrong service. When he tells her he doesn’t believe her, she explodes. She starts crying and angrily asks him, “How can you not believe me? Have I ever lied to you before?” She does this even though she knows that right this moment she is busily lying to him.
What Richard does next, in response to Maya’s increasing carelessness and her dishonesty about it, may set the tone of the relationship for years to come. If he handles it correctly, he’ll either have a better slave as a result or she’ll be cut loose—a loss, to be true—but better than the alternative: an untrustworthy and deceitful subordinate. If he doesn’t handle this situation correctly, he’ll likely doom himself to several years of living hell with a woman who resents him, feels he is wrong and unfair, and feels justified in lying to him and secretly defying his authority at the drop of a hat. If, at this late stage, he calls her on any of this, he’ll face increasingly more anger, more crying fits, more attempts to get him to conform and not do or be what a master naturally does and is. Whether Richard can handle this situation successfully depends a lot on what he knows about anger and what he knows about slaves.
Anger’s Role in a Slave’s Life
Where does anger come from? Why do we feel it? Why, especially, do submissive women, even slaves, feel it toward the ones they love the most, the ones they claim to be deeply dedicated to serving and pleasing? There are many psychological theories floating around about anger’s roots, its meaning, and its general role in ordinary human lives. There are numerous philosophical and religious points of view about it, as well. But what will be discussed here is something much more specific: anger’s place and role in the life of a slave. What is that place and role? Perhaps a diagram would help illustrate this:
That’s right. Anger has zero, none, no place and no role in the life of a slave when it is directed toward her master. It may be useful for other purposes. It can be applied to outside objects in much the way a tool or a weapon can be taken off the shelf and used when needed, but it has as much place in a relationship with the man who controls a woman’s life, actions, sustenance, and happiness as an active chainsaw does in a chamber music recital.
This may initially strike some as a closed-minded and narrow view. It’s only human and natural to express anger, isn’t it? And isn’t it particularly hard for slaves, who give up so much, not to feel frustrated at times? Well, most people also think that the idea of a woman irrevocably giving up her own life to serve another person represents a closed-minded and narrow view: it’s only human and natural to be free, isn’t it? But, quite clearly, some of us thrive in that narrowness and restriction and would think others wrong for characterizing our choice this way or denying us the right to live a life without freedom, if that is what we wish. A narrow perspective is not necessarily an incorrect perspective, especially when the context for the point of view is experienced and understood. Nor does a narrow perspective always equal an impossible-to-meet perspective.
There are paths out of that dark, rotting jungle of excited, self-righteous rage that some people spend much of their waking time in. Consistent anger is a habit, a learned response that once got the person who feels it something good. And now it’s become a robotic strategy…
Yet this idea may still strike others as an impossible view. “How can a slave living intimately with her master not get angry with him upon occasion? It’s not natural that she wouldn’t lose it at times given all she endures for him. This requires someone who is perfect, inhuman!” Endures? Really? If slavery were largely endurance of something deeply unpleasant or repellent, practically nobody would consensually elect to experience it—and I would strongly question the emotional stability and motivations of those who did. But even if we take out that unfortunate choice of words, I don’t think this objection holds water. I have never felt anger toward my Master and I am very human and a far cry from perfect. I’ve known him for over three years. If losing my temper was going to happen, it surely would have happened by now, wouldn’t it? And no, he doesn’t have me terrified of every little move I make. If he did, how could I possibly write articles like this? I’d be far too fearful to express any creative opinions at all if I lived under a reign of terror. There is no terror to freely express myself happening here—but there is also not a sign, not a hint, of anger. Why? We’ll get into the reasons below.
Some readers may imagine that I am lying about my lack of anger. I must be experiencing some sort of profound inhibition, repressing my feelings, or otherwise fooling myself. Those women who are particularly prone to deep anger and are secretly ashamed of it will be most uncomfortable with the idea that somebody else, particularly someone who seems to be in a situation similar to their own, doesn’t feel it at all, let alone feel it violently and uncontrollably wash over her. For the sake of their own equilibrium, such women may need to imagine that someone who claims what I do is representing herself falsely or, at very least, is deeply confused. But I’m not claiming innocence of the emotion. I understand anger very well. I experienced mountains of it in a prior enslavement and certainly got the “Screeching Bitch From Hell” T-shirt. I know exactly what uncontrollable rage feels like. But I do not feel it anymore.
There are paths out of that dark, rotting jungle of excited, self-righteous rage that some people spend much of their waking time in. Consistent anger is a habit, a learned response that once got the person who feels it something good. Months or years later, it’s become a robotic strategy, something one does because it still feels vaguely good, even if its returns are increasingly diminished and even if the anger sabotages one’s hopes and goals. The path out of this emotional quagmire is often not a clear and simple one, as each person needs to approach this in their own way, but it starts out by recognizing and then beginning to listen to one’s conscience. A very angry person knows, deep inside, that venting such emotions is inappropriate, over the top, and, most of all, that it hurts others. She knows, deep inside, that her attitude is wrong and unfair, and that someday she’ll need to stop before she alienates everyone around her, particularly the man she swore to loyally serve and obey. But right now… Well, it’s just so gratifying to vent. Even fun at times. She feels so right, so justified. Surely she cannot, should not, keep all of these important feelings pent up inside! They’re an essential part of her self-expression! And then there’s the sweet little fact that she can get many things she wants very easily by manipulating her man in this way. It can be quite hard to give up the anger racket: it provides so many apparent rewards. But it’s not impossible, particularly when one starts to be sickened by such rewards.
When you are a slave you experience a deeply negative side to anger that a free person doesn’t typically feel. To occasionally rage at someone close to you doesn’t go against any core principles of a standard marriage or other relationship of equals. You might feel guilty over treating another badly but you don’t feel as if you are rebelling against the foundations of your relationship or personal identity when you do so. With consensual slaves, however, it’s a very different story. A slave will generally have a tiny voice of conscience reminding her that not only is anger inappropriate toward her master but this horrific way of behaving is also the antithesis of all of her vows to him and all her best intentions and desires about being a slave. If she starts to listen to that small voice within, she’ll begin to feel remorse. She’ll start to realize that these emotional excesses are harmful and wrong to express toward the one you adore and serve. It feels truly horrible to act so disrespectfully toward the man you swore to love, worship, and obey. A slave may not feel anything is wrong right away, but after her anger recedes, she feels awful: like such a bad person. She’s been defiant, stubborn, hostile, and rude to her beloved master. She feels frustration over being so out of control and unable to react calmly to things. She is horrified at her tendency to just impulsively explode, even though she knows how wrong and inappropriate that is. And, if the anger has happened over and over again, she knows how very difficult it is to control, even when she is aware of it and realizes how wrong it is.
Remorse over bad behavior and horror at being unable to control herself is the place that a slave who really wants to change can start from. Most of us can’t go very far with this on our own, as the best of intentions get swept away in the next wave of habitual anger. But sometimes all it takes is simple recognition to begin to change a negative personality trait. My first master told me that before he had developed control over his anger, he used to habitually rage at people close to him. One day, he heard over the phone the hurt tone in his mother’s voice in response to this rage and he realized he was needlessly causing pain to people he cared most about. Was it really more important to “be right” or to prove with verbal violence that you are right? That was all it took for him. This shameful realization of his bullying behavior was enough to allow him, over time, to bring his anger under complete control. For those of us less in control of ourselves (and most slaves probably fall into this category), it may take something far more, such a severe life change, to bring home to us the point that the anger has to go, particularly if it is something we’ve been taught is good or right, something we should always freely express.
What follows is a story about anger. My own anger. It began during the time of my enslavement to my first master, quite a few years ago. I wasn’t always anger-free. After reaching puberty, before I even knew the word slave, I think I had a slightly higher than normal amount of anger. I felt it on occasion toward the people around me, first toward my family then later toward live-in partners (love interests, in particular). Sometimes I expressed it, if I knew the person well enough to let my hair down around them, and often they got angry back. But many times I didn’t because I was timid and afraid of repercussions.
At times I turned my anger inward and, because I also have low-self-esteem, I believe my first master, who knew more than a little about human psychology, thought the two were related. Because I didn’t express outward anger, I must be turning it inward, toward myself, and that’s why I had such a terrible self-opinion. It makes good psychological sense but, in my case, it wasn’t entirely true. I had (and still have) what others imagine to be a terrible self-opinion because I see myself and my flaws fairly clearly, and I intentionally keep them uppermost in mind so that I can work on them. But my master at that time was my god, a god I listened to closely and eagerly, a god I did not question, and if he said my self-esteem issues were due to repressed anger, that was the end of the story. It was now the truth, my truth.
My first master wanted to fix what he saw as my self-esteem problem and he made a number of changes that felt pretty good but were, in hindsight, the last things I needed. Probably a different sort of person would have responded well to these changes, but I was not that person. He constantly praised me, shored up my ego, and helped me to achieve some external successes so I’d feel better about myself. Under this barrage of well-meant flattery and buildup I began to feel not just good about myself, but like very hot stuff. I began to get arrogant, proud, vain, full of myself, and increasingly, intolerant and contemptuous toward others.
After a couple years of this ego building, he began the next phase: he told me that he wanted me always, without hesitation, to express my anger when I felt it, especially if I felt it toward him. He even offered me his upper arm as my personal punching bag! He told me to hit it with my fist as hard as I wanted to when I was angry. At first, I was horrified at being ordered to do this. A slave shouldn’t be hitting her master! But it was an order and I obeyed. And so began my days as “A Very Angry Woman.” I raked people over the coals online, even friends who admired me. I’d scream at a customer service representative who gave me the slightest runaround on the phone. And, increasingly, I began yelling, screaming, and raging at my master at the slightest provocation. It was as if Pandora’s box had opened and all the evil little demons inside me were flying out and hurting others—and I could not close the lid.
Nor did I want to close that lid. I rather enjoyed being angry. It meant that inside my head I was always right, others were always wrong, and I never had to apologize. My master encouraged this. He not only told me I was right but that I was right to feel anger at all those “incompetent idiots” who seemed to surround me at that time. He still thought that letting out the steam of anger would prevent me from turning it against myself and was the best way to deal with my low self-esteem. (The possibility that low self-esteem might not be such a bad thing for one who aspires to extreme enslavement never came up, alas.) It was worse when I was premenstrual, and both the anger and the PMS got worse as the years passed. It reached a point where I refused to sit down and talk to my master when I was in one of my violent, ugly moods. If he tried to get me to talk when I didn’t want to talk, I’d just scream and scream at the top of my lungs until I shouted him down and he stopped. I’d cover my ears, yelling, “No! No! Shut up! I won’t listen!” We talked about controlling this anger during times when I was calmer, but I couldn’t see how to do it, even when he told me how he did it, long ago, with his own anger. The truth is, I didn’t want to see how. I swam in a world of intense, angry, righteous emotion and oh, it felt so very good!
It reached a point where he decided that PMS must be the problem. He sent me to a doctor who prescribed an antidepressant that was known to have had some success with treating PMS symptoms. It seemed to help a little, but not much. I continued to rage on, at everyone and everything. Even later, when hormones were no longer an excuse for this behavior, I still acted abysmally, screaming and yelling at anyone who got in my way or suggested I might be wrong. I was particularly harsh to my beloved master. It was habitual by then. I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to wean myself from the rush of being right all the time, the rush of crushing all opposition, the great feeling of lashing out at those who had “unjustly wronged me.” At other times I was a pretty good slave: obedient, extremely loyal, not easily disturbed, always present and calmly handling the crises that occurred around my former master’s increasing health issues. But I couldn’t let go of the addictive and now-habitual expression of intense anger.
Derision, disgust, or biting sarcasm can be delivered with the softest and gentlest of tones. Most psychologists seem to agree, however, that expressions of anger are culturally imparted, and therein lies great hope for slaves and deeply submissive women with anger problems: we are not permanently locked in by our natures to a pattern of angry response. If we really want to, we can relearn how to express and even experience anger. Anger doesn’t have to inevitably result in havoc and destruction. In fact, it doesn’t have to appear at all.
Eventually, as my first master became sicker and had more near brushes with death, feelings of terror, horror, and denial replaced rage as my primary emotions. As we struggled to survive amidst rapidly mounting medical bills, almost no income, and his constant health crises, I had little time to indulge in anger, except online with the few friends that stuck with me through this awful time. But I ended up alienating even those brave souls. When my master finally died, I felt as though I had entered the gates of hell. No matter how angry I had become toward him, he had continued to love me back strongly, purely, and unconditionally; he never became angry in response to my outrageous outbursts; and he had tried to protect me and make me happy in so many ways. As humans often do, I recognized this truth about him and our relationship only when it was too late, only when he was gone, only when I had nothing left. Imagine the sun just shuts off. It disappears and the world gets darker and colder with each passing day. That was my emotional landscape. The giant warm sun of his love and care for me, something that had surrounded me for years, was gone—just like that. I had nothing left. Nor could I turn to any friends for support. I tried, but no one would have anything to do with me let alone offer comfort or care though this horrible experience of being cut completely loose from the one who had so deeply controlled my life and gave it meaning and hope.
I wandered through this dark, cold, empty, void, this lonely place of no hope or help, where I felt hated by others and where I hated myself, for many years. I sobbed every day for hours at a time. Something about that experience, of losing his loving presence, profoundly changed me. All my rage, all my fire, burnt out. My life became very narrow. I focused on physical survival. I wished to provide a home for our beloved pet cat until its death, and so I worked, slowly and clumsily, to improve the immediate financial and personal-health ruins I found myself in. I got a few small breaks here and there, just enough to keep my head above water and my body off the streets, and slowly tried to build up from that. My devastation was complete. My self-image, already low, was at its lowest. I reviewed my life with my deceased master frequently and hated myself for the contemptuous, disrespectful and enraged ways I’d treated him. I desired nothing more than to die and follow him, but I felt I had to honor his desire to care for our little pet, so I stayed alive.
Working to survive was good for me: it distracted me somewhat from the emotional pain. My fortunes began to rise a little, I was able to afford semi-regular health care, and my abysmal physical condition improved little by little. Eventually there came whole days and then later weeks when I did not sob for hours. I reached a point where I could listen to music again (before it’d send me into paroxysms of grief) and watch movies again, but I could never listen to or watch anything I’d shared with him. These experiences always had to be new. In my attempts to distract myself, I started making new friends online and also tried to salvage old friendships, although the latter were pretty much a lost cause by then. The rejections were hard to take, but I can’t say I didn’t deserve them.
At a certain stage, I started laughing, then I started thinking about being owned again, and finally I began looking around for a compatible man. I was healing, at last. I had a false start, got taken by an online player and lost a couple of years, but I picked myself up and eventually met my current Master. I had respect for Him from the very start and also a little fear mixed in with immense attraction and love for His honest, complex personality. He had a depth to His personality that I’d never encountered in anyone else and I deeply admired His razor-sharp intelligence and His honorable soul. It’s been several years and none of these feelings toward Him have left me. What hasn’t returned is the anger. It’s nowhere to be found and, after several years of this, I am finding it hard to believe I’ll ever experience it with Him. My raging temper seems so foreign to me now, so alien, as if I were some other person that I no longer fully understand.
What’s Behind the Story
One reason I related this long and painful personal history with anger was so that readers wouldn’t need to ask the obvious question: what’s a female who has no experience with anger with her master doing talking to us about anger? As you can see, I do have quite extensive experience with feeling anger at a master, just not with my current Master. I’m certainly not recommending that angry slaves should experience the death of the one whom they love and depend on the most in order to rid themselves of their anger. But I am saying that anger is a terribly hard beast to rein in once it starts to take over, and sometimes it may take an event that that is the equivalent of an emotional earthquake—something that completely changes your perspective on life—to bring it under control. Barring that, there may be a few useful elements in this story that others can take away from it, particularly those who find their anger uncontrollable in the way I once did or those who own an angry slave. I’d like to look next at what some of these things are.
Where Does Anger Come From?
In one sense, the reasons for anger don’t really matter. For many of us, discovering the reason for the rage is counterproductive because these reasons can then be used to further justify that anger. What matters more is finding ways to bring that anger, wherever it happens to come from, under control. Still, the old adage, “know thy enemy,” is as true in this case as it is in so many others areas of life and getting a firm grasp on where your slave’s anger (or your own, if you are the slave) is coming from might lead to some methods for dealing effectively with it.
It’s not always possible to find the true reasons for anger. My first master was a brilliant man and well-schooled in psychology, but he never grasped how the anger he ordered me to freely express destroyed my ability to believe I was a slave, let alone a good slave. That horrible rage undermined everything I did, put the lie to every act of obedience, and I lived daily with the belief that I was a fraud, a sham, a pretend slave. I was a good slave in the sense that I obeyed him about expressing my anger, but in the long run this specific act of obedience made me a terrible slave overall to him. This is a contradiction you will sometimes run into with consensual slavery. Sometimes a master, with the best of intentions, will order a slave to do something that is inherently non-slavelike. She strives to obey, she tells herself it’s OK to do this because her master has ordered it, but inside she feels less and less like she is owned by him and more and more like she’s independent or the one steering the ship or even, as I felt, just some vanilla shrew-wife who is totally out of control. Take great care, if you don’t already, with what you order your slave to do. A forced contradiction such as the one I experienced can badly confuse a slave and eventually render her worthless. Had my first master not sickened and died, and had the horror that followed this shattering event not shoved my anger off center stage entirely, I have no doubt it would have worsened until I finally reached a point where I insisted upon my freedom. My master was a deeply patient man who loved me dearly: he would not have given up on me. But I am not nearly as strong. I am certain I would have eventually reached a point of self-righteous blindness so extreme that I would have betrayed everything I’d loved and lived for all of those long years. And then I would have been lost. I would have never been able to trust myself to be a slave again. Since I need to be a slave, that would have been a form of living death. As horrific as my former master’s death was, it may have, in a sense, been a kinder fate to experience than what might have occurred had he lived.
Anger is a natural human response, say virtually all modern psychologists, to experiences of being slighted, denied something, treated shabbily, or threatened. It can be a positive response in some contexts, such as anger at social injustice, because it energizes and motivates those feeling it to try to do something about unfair conditions. But most of the time anger arises in response to one’s ego feeling slighted or not given its due; to having one’s desires thwarted or ignored; to being treated aggressively, mockingly, or condescendingly by someone else; to feeling that someone or something is not being fair or considerate, not giving you what you deserve. A person’s response to anger, while it may be slightly colored by genetics, is definitely something that is learned. Children who grow up in families where anger is out in the open and lots of shouting and other emotional displays go on, tend, as grownups, to act similarly. Those living in families where anger is something colder and more hidden, learn to express it in the same stealthy, passive-aggressive manner their parents did. Maybe there isn’t a lot of shouting in those households, but words, when spoken, tend to strike like poisoned darts to the heart. Derision, disgust, or biting sarcasm can be delivered with the softest and gentlest of tones. Most psychologists seem to agree, however, that expressions of anger are culturally imparted, and therein lies great hope for slaves and deeply submissive women with anger problems: we are not permanently locked in by our natures to a pattern of angry response. If we really want to, we can relearn how to express and even experience anger. Anger doesn’t have to inevitably result in havoc and destruction. In fact, it doesn’t have to appear at all. While not easy, it’s never too late to attempt this sort of sea change as long as we realize that we can change and are willing to do whatever it takes to bring this about.
A slave or someone deeply serious about her submission needs to look at this question from an earlier point in time, I think. She needs to start not at the point of changing one’s behavior during or upon onset of anger toward her master but rather question the source of the anger: Why am I feeling this emotion at all toward my master? When and how did it start? What place has it in my desire to serve him lovingly and always please him? Is the anger I feel paired with a loss of respect for him or his actions? Have I come to feel entitled to certain treatment or attitudes from him and then annoyed when I don’t get them? Am I starting to feel he should respect me as much as I respect him, listen to me as much as I listen to him, even love me as much as I love him? Have I, perhaps without realizing it, come to desire “fairer” treatment, the treatment one would offer an equal or a wife, rather than the treatment he prefers to give to a slave? Do certain things that he says or does grate on my nerves? Why do they bother me? Are these really things I think he must change? Why do I feel he should change to please me rather than freely doing what he wants to do? Is there something else he is doing that I find disturbing? (Sometimes a different, more threatening action, such as one’s master seeing other females, can be the real trigger for anger, but if a slave feels it is not safe or right for a “good slave” to feel anger at such a thing, she may transfer her anger onto something more trivial and safer.)
The above are examples of exploratory questions a woman who is enslaved to a man can start to ask herself to get a grasp on the roots of the anger, to start to figure out where it is coming from. At the beginning of her enslavement it’s unlikely she felt this emotion. Instead, she probably felt deep attraction and respect for her master, awe even, or fear. But sometimes, as time passes and easy patterns become established, as people grow familiar, a slave may become too comfortable with her life, assume too much is her natural due from her master, become bored by her routine, or even get annoyed by what he doesn’t give her. Sloppiness isn’t limited to behavior. A slave can become complacent or sloppy in her thinking or emotions, can grow to expect ever more special treatment from her master, because, well, after all, he knows now how wonderful she is. She’s proven her loyalty and demonstrated many other marvelous and valuable traits. So why shouldn’t he treat her as if he recognized her value in his life? This last line of thinking is very close to transactional or contractual: I will provide something to you as long as you provide me with whatever reward (be it physical, psychological, or emotional) that I think at the time is worth my service to you. While this sort of mercenary trading of favors is extremely common in all other relationships, in one calling itself master and slave, it spells the death of the enslavement and the stage where the “master” and the “slave” are just mouthing words, words that signify a reality that is no longer lived.
Perhaps a slave, without realizing it, becomes angry at something her master does that she knows she must not question or protest, but is nevertheless disturbing. Maybe it is a dawning realization that she’s never going to meet or be a part of his family or even live with him, that’s she’s not going to have his children, that she’s going to be forced to work outside the home and will never experience her 1950s-domestic-bliss household dream that, despite knowing better, she still associates with slavery. The death of such dreams or expectations, if she was unwise enough to harbor them in her heart despite his clear descriptions of what to expect from being his slave, may mean that no matter how well the slave serves him and how pleased he is with that service, it is not enough for her. Perhaps one of the services he demands she perform for him on a regular basis is one she has a great deal of trouble accepting, perhaps it disturbs her on some deep level that she is not even aware of. Then, when she feels anger, she must connect it in her mind to something else, something “safer.” Unraveling the knots that lead to the real sources of anger may require time or experience she does not yet have. Just because you are able to ask a question doesn’t mean you will receive an instant, clear, detailed answer (or understand it, even if you do). A complex human psyche is not an Internet search engine and often a troubled slave must exercise patience in this endeavor and not act rashly or impulsively.
How Anger Hides
There is this silly notion that gets bandied about BDSM forums that once you become a slave you are magically perfect and obedient. This false expectation can cause some slaves to hide their anger from their masters and from themselves. They suppress it because they can’t bear the thought that they are so “imperfect” as to feel such an ugly emotion in “the most beautiful of relationships.” This suppression, which they consider good, is actually causing harm, as it is hiding something important from him, and will likely result in the slave exploding in a rage some day. Little signs of discontent, minor grumblings, any time one feels something is “not fair,” need to be brought to the attention of one’s master. But before that natural openness can happen, the master needs to make it clear that this information is encouraged and desired, and that he does not want her to suppress any of her minor gripes. He must insist that she bring those to him no matter how hard it is and even if she knows she will be punished for it. A lot of women, due to a craving for easy, carefree relationships and emotional smoothness (or due to cowardice or shame at having negative feelings in the first place) will not come clean about things like anger, disagreement, worry, or frustration even if encouraged to do so. They try to be “Little Miss Perfect Slave” until one day, out of the blue, they just explode. It takes an astute master with a keen eye, a man capable of seeing beyond himself to notice the small signs a female slave will give away as the inner pressure builds and builds. These signs will mostly be non-verbal: posture, tardiness in obedience or response to him, odd tones of voice, and other little things that he might miss if he is not paying attention or buys into her myth that she is this sweet, calm little angel who never gets angry.
Maybe her anger, whatever its source, is being expressed so passively that she doesn’t even realize it is anger. When we think of passive-aggressiveness, what often comes to mind are individuals who make snide, cutting comments disguised under a thin veneer of politeness. But passive anger isn’t necessarily that obvious. The Wikipedia lists a great number of other forms that passive anger can take. For a slave, this can involve not doing something that she is required to do, such as forgetting to properly address her master in the manner she’s been instructed or not following other attitude protocols; neglecting to give her man information about her thoughts and emotions that he needs in order to control her fully and correctly; not informing him of useful or positive news that may be advantageous for him; not desiring harm for him but not desiring to help him either; apathy toward things that matter to him such as not caring if he fails or succeeds at something important; avoiding him in direct or not-so-direct ways; defeatism toward the tasks he gives her: an inability to see them as an opportunity to stretch and grow but rather as foredoomed failures; finding numerous rational-sounding excuses for why she simply cannot do at this time whatever it is he has told her to do; and so on. A slave with passive anger is in a difficult position: first, she must recognize that she is angry (or accept her master’s word for it that she is). Only then can she explore the causes for that anger.
Slave Anger: Common Myths and Theories
Let’s look next at some popular ideas about anger circulating within the BDSM social networks. Does anger in a slave have to be experienced at all toward her master? Should it ever rear its head in such relationships? Most master-slave discussions on generic BDSM sites in which the participants, for all their sadomasochistic posturing and preening, are largely very conventional people, answer these questions with a resounding YES! It’s only natural and human that a slave should get angry at times with her master, in fact the relationship would not be “healthy” if she didn’t. In a thread about anger on a BDSM forum, the descriptions given by slaves of their anger and their reasons for feeling it included things like:
* I threaten to walk if master “pushes” me.
* I don’t raise my voice but we both get furious and silent.
* Well, you’re human and that won’t change. He can learn to let you let your anger run its course. Oh and also, if you come from a family that settles things with anger, it’s OK.
* I have (insert fashionable mental illness du jour) so I have an excuse, but as a compromise to him, when I feel I am losing it I walk away.
* I need to be alone to cool down, I cannot discuss things with him when I’m enraged.
* If I get overly frustrated I use a safe word.
* Slavery tends to strip many women of their basic adult aspects. Because of that, throwing temper tantrums is just fine! It’s to be expected, even.
*Isn’t it disrespecting the man when you decide what he is allowed to have or not have (by controlling your anger)? It just seems strange to me that so many women seem afraid or uncomfortable with “giving” their master their anger.
* If I lose it, I lose it. He’ll deal with it.
* We don’t have the type of dynamic where he puts me back in line. It’s my job to do that.
* Slavery isn’t about being submissive, it’s just about being a slave so I find it weird that all of you think you must be meek and submissive and not show anger. In fact, you aren’t being a slave if you try to control your anger all on your own.
* When you are conditioned to talk in a calm voice by a desire to please or by fear or both you’re lying.
* Those who want to live it as the meek and weak slave with the strong and all powerful master are phonies and less real than we strong slaves who express anger naturally.
* The only way you can talk in a pleasing calm tone of voice when you are upset is if you are “naturally meek.”
* There is no wrong way to release your anger. The implication that there is a wrong way to do these means that people expect the slave to be IN CONTROL.
Analysis and Response
The most astonishing thing about these justifications for anger is that they are the types of things that you would expect to hear (and do hear, time and again) from women who have never heard the initials “BDSM” when they talk about their very conventional relationships with their very conventional boyfriends and husbands. There is no acknowledgment in any of these responses that enslavement is in the least bit different from any other sort of romantic relationship. A slave, apparently, owes very little or no respect to her master. Her emotions and, in particular, her sacred right to express them at any time are of utmost importance and sacrosanct: they take priority over everything else, including however her master might feel about this. In Roman times, a female slave with this attitude would have been whipped until she couldn’t move, beheaded, or sold. But in modern times for most “master-slave” couples, even for those who are very vocal in online forums about how “extreme” and “deep” their relationships are, obedience is largely a joke or a pleasant fantasy. The slave isn’t there to please the master, unless it happens to flatter her enormous ego to do so. She’s in it for herself. Those of us who genuinely care about authentic slavery find this sort of cynical, slave-but-not-really conduct and presentation disgusting.
In examining the remarks more closely, you can see that there is certainly a lot of whining, passing the buck, excuse-making, laziness, and re-spinning of anger and a master’s “correct” response to it going on in the above comments. While these are mostly comments made by self-identified “slaves,” one gets the distinct feeling that a lot of these women are actually in fairly normal, equal-partner relationships (even if they don’t call them that). Some may even be engaged in daddy-girl role-play dynamics, which frequently involve a doting, overly permissive “father figure” who lets his spoiled-brat “girl” largely run wild with maybe a little hot spanky at the end of the day. The highly conventional assumption behind most of these remarks is that getting furious at your master is not only unavoidable but completely justified, just as it would be with with a boyfriend or a husband who did not own or control you. A slave should never be expected to control her anger; at best, she can only do behavioral damage control (like speak a safe word or walk away). But some of these so-called “slaves” are claiming they can’t even do that or that it means they are in control of the relationship if they try to exercise even the smallest amount of self-restraint. Given the sneering disregard for the so-called “meek, mild, and submissive” slave, I’d wager the masters of such women have done very little to actively control the extremely ugly twin forces of anger and pride in these females. This is not an atypical response to a possibly hot topic. The same posters, when observed in other contexts, are entirely unrestrained, reactive, destructive little anger ‘bots with no impulse control whatsoever. No actual slave, I would hope, would ever talk this sort of rot or act as spoiled, hateful, and presumptuous as they do online.
The unanimous answer coming from this thread’s comments was that yes, anger is natural in a slave, even anger at her master is perfectly natural and either he must deal with it or she must temporarily leave her condition of slavery and take independent actions, such as isolating herself from him in order to cool down, because that is the only way it can be controlled. The answer coming from Humbled Females, however, is that a vicious, unruly bitch who lives to attack others online and who mouths off to her master, claiming that “it’s his problem” if he doesn’t leave her alone to handle it in the way she decides is best, is no slave whatsoever. This female is not being controlled in the least: her ugly behavior and her “I’m-entitled-to-act-out” attitude tells you everything you need to know about this bitter, haughty, domineering, vindictive, and utterly self-absorbed creature. When I read such remarks, I see the same false, self-justifying philosophy that my former master had me adopt being promoted as the gospel truth. It makes me ashamed all over again at the way I used to be.
I don’t buy the self-serving and lazy idea that anger is something that’s entirely a master’s job to control. It’s his job if he tells you in no uncertain terms it is that, but passing the buck onto him to fix your ugly personality traits, volunteering him for the dirty, hard work of cleaning out your soul’s debris, is not only self-serving and indolent, but impossible. Soul-cleansing does not come from without, you don’t get baptized or swallow a holy wafer or don an eternity collar and suddenly all your mean, lazy, ugly, controlling little ways fly off on angel’s wings. Change comes from within, always. You’ve got to want to change and then, to make any of that desire worthwhile and not a self-flattering lie, you’ve got to take the next step, which is to actually change. Nobody can do this for you. There are no free rides here. Anger is something that arises from within a slave and while her master can train her, teach her relaxation techniques, help her realize the sources of her anger, and discipline her when she transgresses, she must, ultimately, do the hard work of changing herself. She is the only one who can change her desire to indulge in this ugly emotion in the first place. She is the one who must alter a false and self-serving belief that it is her god-given right to explode all over the one you love and respect the most, that this is “only natural.”
To do this involves both changing her expression of anger and neutering the causes for that anger. With some slaves, the primary source of anger can be fear: fear of not getting something she needs, fear of being hurt, fear of trying to do something that is hard. All of these fears are common in those who lack control over their lives or are experiencing control being taken away. It’s easier and far more comfortable for many people to transform such a fear into anger and make the master the evil villian who “causes” the anger: how dare he whip me so hard? How dare he deny me dinner tonight? How dare he order me to sell half my possessions at a yard sale? How dare he take another woman on an exotic vacation and leave me home alone? When feeling anger, you don’t have to experience the terror and concern for the future that a complete lack of control can bring into your life. Habitual anger may bring a little comfort to a woman who probably shouldn’t have declared herself a slave in the first place.
Ideally, someone shouldn’t consider becoming a slave if they have such huge problems with giving up basic areas of control. But if a female, however ill-prepared, insists she must be a slave and if she later experiences fear-turned-to-anger because she can’t deal with the realities of slavery, then, while it becomes incumbent upon her master to insist that she change and perhaps even guide her along the path to change, she is going to have to do most of the hard, tedious work of actually changing herself. She’s got to be motivated enough to want to get a grip on her anger and deal honestly with its sources, however scary that might be. If this fails, she may demonize her master in her mind if he is strong or secretly hate him in her heart if he is weak enough to capitulate to her angry demands. If either of these outcomes occur, you’ll get a relationship that is anything but master-slave.
Sometimes there is just no right way to handle a slave’s anger. If she’s too addicted to it, too wedded to always being right, she’s undergoing a mild form of insanity. She’s disconnected from reality. In such a case, a master may just have to cut his losses.
Entitlement to Anger?
Let’s return to the original question one more time: despite what the lowest common denominator in the BDSM forums say, is anger an emotion a slave is “entitled” to feel in her enslavement? Is it ever appropriate when directed toward one’s master? If the person I used to be during my first enslavement were reading this article, I am sure she would scream angrily at the stupid writer that “YES! Anger is absolutely necessary for a slave to feel healthy, safe, unrepressed, transparent around her master and, even more importantly, it’s a sign of obedience and respect to give a master that anger and let him do with it what he will!” She would then continue her long diatribe against this article with a scathing (and what she would have thought of as cleverly detailed) critique of all of its major points, pointing out in angry, insulting, and utterly enraged phrasing exactly why the writer was wrong in everything she wrote. It’s a good thing that “me” is no longer around to read my own articles! My Master doesn’t have hours for me to spare in deconstructing thoughtless, overly emotional brain-sewage like that, no matter how easy it actually is to do so (and it is quite easy to do when you’ve been on the other side and know all of their arguments before they manage to think them up). But plenty of others just as obnoxious and habitually furious, addicted to feeling right and vindicated, are now there to take my former self’s place, and they’re spouting the same old “anger is great for you and even makes you regular!” nonsense that I used to believe, once upon a time.
What such pseudo-psychological justifications for atrocious behavior in anybody, let alone a slave, never seem to take into account, however, is that slavery is not all about your perceived “precious” mental health. It is not a resort spa you go to, not a therapy-service you purchase in order to better your mind, cleanse your emotions, or elevate your oh-so-sacred soul. In fact, it’s not about you at all: slavery is (or should be, if it is actual slavery and not something far softer masquerading as that) all about your master: his mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being or betterment. Not yours. Whether or not you are maintained as well (although most slaves are so that, at very least, they may serve their masters well) is entirely his business, and not something you should expect or demand. You may have the most compassionate and rational master in the world, but as a slave, a real slave, you have no right to good treatment or, even more, to the care that such treatment implies. If you get good treatment, you should consider it a great gift and be thankful that you managed to wind up with an owner who maintains his property. If you accept the basic tenant of slavery: that this is, in fact, all about him and not all about you then a lot of the righteous anger that you might otherwise feel has nothing to hook itself onto, no offense or slight to one’s ego to get incensed about, nothing to get insulted over, no wrong that he needs to “be sorry for.” You know, in the core of your heart, that a slave truly deserves NOTHING from her master: no payment, no pats on the back, no rewards or treats for good behavior, no reprieve from pain, hard work, or even heartache, if that be his will for you. A slave exists to obey her master. There may be other things she exists for, but they come far behind this prime directive.
A slave to a genuine master (and by that I do not one of those common fellows who talks a big talk online, does a few brutal, semi-impressive things, then lies back and lets the slave dominate herself), a slave who really feels her slavery, who knows she is there before her master only at his sufferance and that his attitude toward her could change at any moment, does not have the spare time or energy to think of all the ways her master isn’t treating her the way she deserves to be treated. She wanted to be a slave, really wanted enslavement (not the romantic ideal, the real deal) with all her heart. She wasn’t just pretending she wanted this when what she really expected (as so many egotistical pseudo-slaves expect) was a romantic joyride with a relatively well-off man who will then support her in a life of loafing, indolence, and pleasure spiced with a little hanky-spanky. Therefore, she is not surprised in the least when she is treated like an actual slave. She does not feel angry because nothing in the small, specific, and very special world she now lives in excites her anger. She accepts all that comes from him, the perceived bad as well as the good. She often sees, if not in the moment then not too much later, how the seemingly bad things that happen to her actually help her and improve her. How can a person who knows in her genes that everything that comes from her master is right and just ever become angry with him? How can someone who has fully and joyfully accepted her slavery and her role as his instrument without a will independent of his believe that anything he does to her (or doesn’t do to her) is offensive, insulting, harmful, or hurtful? It’s all him, everything comes from him, everything she does is done for him, and that makes it good, sacred even. She reduces her ego to the bare minimum so that his will becomes all that she sees. Where is there any room for anger in that state?
The person who only pays lip-service to this reality is the sort of slave who will get angry at her master because she secretly expects more than what she is getting. She thinks she deserves a certain level of fair or kind treatment, that he owes her something, particularly since she mouths such pretty words about how totally surrendered to his will she is. A woman who gets angry at her master may be someone who, perhaps due to her master’s leniency, is allowed too much familiarity with him. Anger is a clear sign of disrespect—something that, ideally, a slave should never feel toward her master. Honestly accepting all her master is without expecting anything except mastery and control in return requires a slave develop the ability to let go of a great many things, no matter how precious these are or once were to her. She has to let go of all expectations, for example, because she is no longer free to act in the world in ways that fulfill them. She has to openly and passively accept what comes her way, do what she’s ordered to do, submit to his discipline, even please him only in the ways that he allows her to, without question, without rancor, without resentment, boredom, impatience, or desire for something else. Letting go of all one’s desires for “something else” besides slavery is a difficult and perhaps never-ending struggle for a slave, but it is the only sane direction in which to move, as attachment to the things in this world, no matter what they are, no matter how wonderful or necessary they seem, are going to lead to expectations and disappointment when those expectations are not met. It may be a master’s responsibility, however, particularly with someone new to slavery, to guide her to this level of deep and devoted understanding. She may very well not glimpse the intimate depths of slavery when she starts out, she might view it more as some sort of romantic game in which she is the star of the show. If she really has potential to be enslaved, that false, self-centered fantasy can slowly be dissolved and replaced with the far more profound reality that you, the master, are all that really matters. But if she’s lying to herself and to her master about what she really desires, then trying to condition her into being a better slave will only make her personality worse, her resistance stronger, her outrage and sense of unfairness more strident.
Service: Entitlement’s Opposite
If you don’t expect anything, then every day is a wonderful surprise and the things that occur in one’s day are relished. A well-disciplined slave is given the opportunity to live in the moment, to experience the never-ending now with openness and acceptance, no matter what it might bring. A receptive, non-grasping, and non-manipulative mindset frees her from most desires, cravings, and even boredom as all she need do or desire is to please her master–and when she is doing that, all is well with her world. When she has no desires, when she gives up her grasping, survival-focused self, she can just be, receptive and perceiving the world. She no longer needs expectations, and when there are no expectations, they cannot be thwarted or frustrated. Disappointment become rare. Not extinct, as nobody is perfectly one way all the time, but all the usual fires that motivate most people–desire, greed, need, insecurity, grasping for more, ambition, competitiveness, even survival fears–die way down. Let’s say she gets chewed out and punished for forgetting to close the bathroom door after she exited it. So what? A trained slave doesn’t expect such a misdeed to be “kindly” overlooked. She knew her master wanted that door always kept closed, she knew that she forgot, and she knows that being punished for not doing so will teach her to remember next time. She experiences the punishment, and, in the moment, it may hurt horribly or wound her feelings or sense of herself as good and obedient, but then it’s over. She feels no resentment, she has no hurt feelings that now must be catered to by him. Instead, she does what a grownup does: she tries to learn from this event and move on. In the eternal now of enslavement this is not a major event to get upset over or resent, no matter how the whip cuts her skin as a needed reminder. It’s also not an excuse to wallow in guilt and self-recrimination (the self-indulgent and often-addictive stick that drives many a “good” woman–but, sadly, if she’s addicted to the stick, she’s often not addicted enough to you). A punishment is just an experience with her master and the only thing required is that she process punishment in the way he desires her to so that she can learn how to be a better slave to him.
So Who’s to Blame?
The idea of slavery is so deceptively simple: one person commands and the other obeys. Is it the woman’s fault if she becomes frustrated, resentful, and later loses it and dumps all over her master? Is she a failure, is she temperamentally just not meant to be a slave? Or is the problem that her man did not control her fully to begin with, did not make his expectations clear, did not nip these smaller forms of disrespect and disobedience in the bud? The answer, I think, is that neither is true, if the anger is a one-time or rare occurrence. It can be fixed at that point, with discipline, firmness on his side, a pressing desire to please on hers, and conversation between the two that leads to understanding and mental realignment. If a pattern of regular angry expression has developed, however, it suggests both individuals do not understand this type of relationship and maybe neither really wants it. In particular, the master who is too nice or who loves his slave too much, will find himself confronting problems like this far more often than a man who does not involve his heart in his relations with his servants. A “nice” master will be lenient far too often toward the one he loves and this will make her bolder and more likely to transgress further than if he had no difficulty with punishing her. Likewise, a new slave who comes into the relationship with a lot of unrealistic expectations will be more likely to express frustration and irritation in the ways she was used to when free—until she learns better.
What determines slavery or mastery has more to do with how the anger is handled when it comes up, not whether anger occurs or does not occur. For enslavement to be real and not some hot, romantic lie that a pair of bored individuals have grafted onto what would otherwise be a standard relationship, both parties have to want, passionately want, the enslavement to be real. If one or both only halfway want it or only want it when it’s convenient, then, no matter how hard they try at those mutually convenient times, the situation will devolve into a conventional boyfriend-girlfriend, hubby-wifey relationship of relative equals, or, at the very best, be a dom-sub relationship where the submissive party retains considerable powers and veto capability. In my observation, almost nobody wants master-slave relationships to be real. They just want the veneer, the shine, the pride and prestige they associate with calling themselves by these names, the pleasure of thinking of themselves as “extreme,” whatever they actually do in their private lives. In these “lets pretend that we’re not pretending” environments, habitual anger from the female will, undoubtedly, flourish.
The Passive Slave Theory: The Lie of “Just Be”
Anger can be like a volcano. There are a lot of rumblings, unseen movement of hot lava, and sometimes steam venting before the “big explosion.” A consensual slave who pulls her own weight and works hard to improve for her master–unlike those indolent females who expect the master to do all the hard controlling and policing of their indulgent selves while they lie back and “just be”—doesn’t let these rumblings under the earth become stronger. She uses an array of clever techniques to cut them off. Or, if they are too powerful to cut off, she strives to rechannel the impulses that cause anger or expose them, when they are still nascent, to her master’s eyes, so that they do not take control of her personality.
What are these impulses? Primarily vanity and sloth, two personality habits that produce the desire for passivity and the belief that the master should fix everything. Weaker and less resolute slaves build a philosophy around these traits (and the anger such attitudes eventually produce): they claim that being vain and lazy are problems for their masters to deal with, not traits they must personally struggle with. All that is required is that they “just be themselves” and their masters will do all the hard work of fixing them. The question that immediately arises from this is who in the world would want such a lazy, passive, woman unwilling to improve for her master? The answer is, alas, that many men who have bought into the romantic Pygmalion ideal that they must work hard to turn their passive-object slaves into the masterpieces they crave, will accept such flawed goods rather than requiring that the slave be of a mind to work hard to improve. After all, she “cannot help herself,” she just “is what she is” and if he wants to be around her he needs to either “live with that fact” or “fix her himself.”
Vanity and sloth lead to anger because behind each attitude involves entitlement: the vain woman feels she deserves special treatment because she is naturally so very wonderful just being herself. The slothful woman feels like she deserves to take it easy, that slavery should always be fun, that she shouldn’t have to obey if it upsets her or requires too much work or the performance of duties when she is not in the mood to work. Neither female has the strength to bear the scolding and insults that a genuine master will heap upon her for these ugly traits, so they seek out weak males who are easy to control and then make them think that they are the masters while the female secretly runs the show.
The Master’s Role
An inexperienced master or one who has adopted unrealistic theories about slaves because such ideas comfort him, can, without meaning to, make anger worse in a slave. If he believes that anger is natural and necessary, even if it is directed toward himself, then it is likely he will receive it.
Some masters do instill a proper respect and/or fear for themselves in the slave from the outset. But sometimes a master is a lonely man who wants too badly to be his slave’s best friend or romantic hero. He is too soft, too teddy-bearish, very much a daddy but far too little of a disciplinarian. If he needs to feel this way toward a woman, that’s fine, but, for honesty’s sake, he should probably stop calling her a slave and expecting a girl who is pampered and spoiled, whose bad behavior is frequently overlooked or forgiven without punishment, who is told she is perfect and wonderful even when she is being a total bitch, to obey him or desire to please him in any way. It’s important to establish alpha status in a girl’s eyes early, when you are first exploring together. Make the psychological price for disrespect/ignoring orders/forgetting duties and rules high. Express your disapproval, early, often, and strongly. Make sure she clearly understands what she did wrong, and then, no matter how intelligent or otherwise understanding she seems about it all, discipline her for it in a memorable way at an appropriate time. It’s equally important to praise her when she does well: when she’s acting, thinking or feeling according to your desires for her.
Sometimes a slave loses perspective. She forgets what is most important in her life: serving and pleasing her master. She starts to think about serving and pleasing herself more, and when her master expects her to act like a slave, she becomes enraged when her selfish desires are thwarted. If discipline and correction start early in a relationship this doesn’t come up often. If she has other reminders, such as positive mantras that tell her who she is and why she is doing what she is doing, she is less likely to forget that she belongs to you and that her purpose is to humbly serve you. Keeping a consensual slave in this focused state of mind is not hard if practices, ideas, and desire for it are instilled early. She must, of course, also want to be enslaved from the start—the deeper her passion for this, the better slave she will make.
If, for some reason, a master ignores all of his slave’s minor bad behavior (which sometimes is an attempt to control the direction of the relationship, sometimes a test to see how he’ll respond), than he should expect to have a huge discipline problem on his hands later on, probably within a year or two. This problem is very hard to fix at this late stage because the pattern of the relationship has been set. The slave is used to getting away with murder, and if her master tries suddenly to change that, she’s probably going to explode in outrage at him and throw every reason in the book at him for why he’s suddenly, with his attempt to be a real master, “doing it all wrong.” The actual reason, of course, is that this is different from her expectations: you didn’t demand this before so you have no right to demand it now. Fixed expectations and patterned behavior are very hard to change. It’s almost impossible with some slaves to reverse the mental and emotional damage done to their desire to obey and please, a desire that has been ignored for so long in favor of good-guy over-permissiveness. Typically, such midstream course changes or attempts to right things at far too late a point in the relationship result in its implosion. It’s often easier, not to mention saner, to start from scratch with a fresh mind and attitude than correct someone who expects you to be a certain way and to allow her to do certain things, and now feels deeply resentful toward you for taking these things away from her.
Anger Is Power
It’s inevitable that anger in a master-slave relationship will involve power. It is possible that the slave’s anger, if strong enough and not quashed, might usurp the master’s power. Sometimes a slave will gain power over her master by expressing a violent and unpleasant emotion (or even by just threatening to express it). While the anger may begin innocently as a non-manipulative explosion or a loss of self-control, it can quickly turn into a way of maintaining control over the master, if his response to her demonstrates that he is emotionally vulnerable to it. The female then becomes his harsh judge, his critic expressing disapproval over the way she is being treated and the way he is running things in general. She is constantly dissatisfied with his mastery, constantly asking him to change things to be more to her liking (although she will call this by other names, such as “manning up” or “being a real dominant.”) If he doesn’t see this power usurpation for what it is, he may respond with hurt feelings, question himself, try to make things better for her, even follow his slave’s advice on how to be a better master. A man twisted around his “slave’s” little finger in this way is no longer a master, if he ever were one. Making oneself the judge of another during a bout of anger is an indirect way of usurping psychological control. Men who want to be masters need to be on the lookout for this common female behavior, and control it when it happens. She may not realize what she is doing or how unslavelike it is. If a slave genuinely wants to submit deeply, she will feel shame, horror, and remorse over such behavior. A weaker woman, in contrast, one who only imagines she’s a slave, will deeply resent a man who points out any of her behavioral or character flaws. She will argue back at him (perhaps in her gentle humble-sounding slave voice, but very firmly and without backing down) about how wrong he is about her and try to turn the tables with a guilt trip: how mean or ignorant he is to point out that she is imperfect and that she is faltering when she tries so very hard for to be such a good slave. How intolerant of him! Fall for that guilt trip and all is lost. She’s had you, and she’ll quickly move forward to secure her power base, often unconsciously, without even realizing what a power-grabbing manipulator she is.
Like all fires, anger burns, anger hurts, anger destroys that which is good, and can bring down in a few minutes all that you have worked hard to build over many years. This is even more so when a slave feels anger at her master. Anger, not the slave, not the master, is the real enemy here, but such anger can only be brought under control and demolished if both individuals are willing to work vigorously and unrelentingly to do so. If a slave secretly wants to hold onto her righteous anger or if a soft master secretly wants to let her “freely express” herself, they will only encourage that inner fire to burn hotter, bolder. Eventually, it will leap up in a conflagration that utterly destroys the sacred and peaceful grove of their connecting bond. This particular fire within needs to be dowsed at all costs, even if it means total dampening or even destruction of other parts of a slave’s personality.
If a woman insists that she needs to be “Miss Free to Be Whatever I Want to Be,” she has no business whatsoever trying to be a slave. For a genuinely consensual, willing slave, what matters most is obedience to her master’s will and satisfying his desires, no matter what the cost to herself. This sacrifice (if you can call it that) is what enlivens her, gives her reason to live. If a master, on the other hand, is not willing to do what it takes to make this willing soul conform to his desires and commands, if he’s always ready to let her off the hook, forgive her without punishment or correction, believe her excuses for every transgression, he, too, has no business being a master. Both attitudes corrupt the power dynamic in the relationship, poison it with apparent cuddly softness, permission, and complacent, sleepy normalcy. Both invite evils like anger to enter in by the back door and take up residence in the relationship. If you are not yet a master or a slave, try to consider carefully whether you want to do a halfway job at it and perhaps end up doing nothing at all except perpetuate another conventional, ordinary relationship or whether you have the courage to live within your master or slave role to such depths that it becomes you—and you become it. This isn’t just for yourself: consider that someone may be counting on you to do this for them, to live up to your end of a most sacred bargain.
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November 17, 2017
The Ten Biggest Mistakes Women Make
When They Want to Serve a Man
By Nina E. and Marc Esadrian
Soon we’ll be publishing an article about a lost cause: an egotistical schemer of a woman who is blind to her own faults and imagines herself to be the most exemplary servant of love who ever lived, when she is actually a pestilence to any man who decides to try showing her what grace in submission is. That article, “How to be a Bad Slave,” should not be confused with this one which, although its descriptions of female behavior may sound bad, is not one-tenth as horrific as the depictions of that paragon of deception described in the title above. If the female in that other article could be described as committing felony after felony, we’d have to say that, in comparison, what follows here are misdemeanors. That is not to say that there are no overlaps between the two articles. Often bad slaves start in bad ways. Sometimes there is an assumption, a miscalculation, an oversight, or a hidden personality flaw described in what follows that becomes the point of origin for something much worse in the relationship later on down the road.
Below are ten of the most common pathways to deceit and self-sabotage women walk when attempting to show submission to men, particularly with the intent to serve as slaves. This list comes from years of empirical experience in dealing with such women from the perspectives of a master who has dealt with various personalities approaching him over the past twenty years and a slave who has served for even longer, watched other females stumble in courting dominant men, and done some stumbling herself from time to time.
A common mistake women who approach dominant men make is to claim to want to deeply serve and submit, when they are actually after something completely different. That “something” could be money or material things. It could be a ploy for marriage and security or something as shallow as prestige. It may be a little inaccurate to classify this behavior as a mistake (except perhaps a mistake of judgement) because this type of female often does this intentionally, though she’ll never admit it. Due to her cynicism, limited experience, and lack of real desire to submit, she cannot imagine that anybody actually serves another person completely out of their own free will and for no other reason than the sheer joy of giving pleasure to someone they adore. She just knows it’s a game—and she wants to play along so she can get some of the goodies she imagines others are getting.
So she comes to a master with some degree of pretense, maybe claiming she wants to contribute to his endeavors, collaborate with him or learn from him, and then, if he accepts the offered bait and they get to know each other, she suddenly claims an intense desire to serve him fully: he’s into that “master” thing (wink-wink) so she can better get her claws into him by pretending to be his type of girl. A dominant man who is quite familiar with how submissive women normally act will sense an incongruence between her behavior and her words. For all her wonderful talk, she may strike him as unusually aggressive or self-focused. He might notice that she’s more interested in hearing herself speak than listening to him. At this stage, if he is experienced, he’ll perform a simple test or two to try to flush her out: simple tests that a true-blue submissive female would pass with flying colors.
What does a man do when he suspects he may have been targeted by a con woman? He may start by asking her questions about what she likes or is willing to accept in submission, but many such females talk a good game and, if he is foolish enough to rely on her words alone, she will seem to score A’s on each verbal test. A more astute man will make her put her money where her mouth is—sometimes literally. He may, for instance, make the outrageous and unheard of demand that she start tithing him a monthly amount of cash. She may then try to fall back to her earlier position of contributing to his work or efforts and getting paid for it, or at least explaining in half a dozen convincing ways why she can’t, shouldn’t (and won’t) pay him, but if he’s got sense, he won’t be believing any of that now. Feeling bitter and frustrated, she may then claim the moral high ground and accuse him of having no ethics—when what is really going on is that the sheep she was hoping to so easily fleece is now deliberately suggesting she be fleeced.
Perhaps, if he senses her secret desire is for monogamy, he’ll insist she meet his other slaves and serve him together with them for an evening. Instead of being the new star of the show, she is treated as what she actually is at this point: a third-rate runner-up for his attention, a risk and potential liability and thus, the lowest girl on the totem pole. A woman who wants to be a genuine slave will not only tolerate this but will thrill to it. She’ll think it perfectly right that she is the lowest person in the harem and accept her position with grace and happiness because of the great privilege she’s been given of serving this wonderful man in person–and, of course, because it’s very hot for people like us to be low. A prima donna who wanted to have this man solely to herself will never settle for being a “humiliating” third or even second. There are a lot of ways to flush these pretenders out, but a man has to be patient, wait long enough to figure out what this girl is about, and then determine if she can actually do (as opposed to voluptuously talk about) anything difficult, any real challenge or sacrifice that thwarts or threatens the secret egotism or agenda she may be concealing.
So what advice is there for the woman in this situation? First of all, if she is genuine and the man she wants to serve is honest, she should just be her natural self, with no artifice, no attempts to impress or overwhelm him, and let him figure her out. He’ll determine her worth on his own if he’s as perceptive and confident as she believes him to be. As for the other types, we’re not exactly excited by the prospect of giving advice to congenital liars, pretty sociopaths, and women who otherwise give a bad name to every genuine slave out there (not to mention the more honest whores) but we will offer this rather obvious tidbit: if you’re hustling, make absolutely certain that the man you’re trying to fleece is dumber than you are. If, alas, you are so egotistical that you think you are smarter than anybody you meet, particularly those who are subtle enough to hide their piercing intelligence from a lazy self-flattering eye, you’ll likely find yourself, sooner rather than later, cluelessly trying to hitch a ride on a scorpion you have falsely perfumed with “Eau de Stupido.” Do not be surprised, in this case, when you do not escape his sting.
The sort of woman just described may learn, eventually, what real life and real people are all about through those two great teachers: time and hard knocks. But, if she is too stubborn to change her attitudes or her ways, these potentially wonderful teachers may make her worse, ever more entrenched in her ugly habits of whoring and greedily using up people to secure what she wants, unable to see those numerous lost opportunities and tragic mistakes along the way. One thing is guaranteed: none of us will be young forever. Sometimes time, and lots of it, can turn a person’s life around: cause her to wake up to the horror of what she has chosen to become and determine to do better. If it doesn’t, if one is too stubborn and convinced of one’s superiority and importance despite how often stupid life decisions result in massive failure, then the only way left is down, and while it may seem like a soft, smooth coast while you’re still at the top, young, healthy, and attractive, in a few decades such people start to scrape and bruise on the rocks: they see the loss of everything they deemed important with nothing of substance to replace their inner emptiness. Don’t be that person.
Assuming that submission to a man will always go the way she imagines rather than his way, even though she knows she is entering into a relationship of service in which the man directs everything. This mistake, unlike the intentional hustle described earlier, is usually not meant with a conscious desire to deceive. Instead, it comes from the often unconscious assumption that “everything in life is always about me and should benefit me.” While a female may be unaware of this assumption, that just makes it easier for it to get in the way of successfully serving a man. A woman who entertains a me-centric fantasy about her master and how he will fulfill her every desire or goal can become deeply disappointed or even depressed when things don’t turn out the way she pictured they would. At worst, that disappointment becomes anger and blame: “He’s doing it all wrong” or “He’s intentionally trying to hurt me!” Expecting submission to be exactly how one has always imagined it or it isn’t “right” is very close to dictating the terms of service—and the person who dictates terms is the master, not the slave. The false expectation that everything is going to be hot, sexy, romantic, smooth, and just like she imagined it to be in her wildest dreams can cause a serving female to become angry and resentful when the one she is submitting to and obeying doesn’t conform to her inner script of perfect service (particularly if he’s not serving up the rewards and ego stroking she “deserves” for serving him). He’s just wrong and evil, too contrary, too unbending, too rigid, too unwilling to change (for her), etc. Never mind that she once agreed in a thrilled tremolo while kneeling before him to do absolutely anything he ordered her to. No matter she once was in awe of his superior wisdom and life knowledge. Solemn vows anchored only by shallow emotional thrills often fly out the window when such a woman feels thwarted, outraged, or disappointed that things are not going exactly as she imagined they would. He’s just not doing dominance the right way (her way), so she must either convince him of his cruel incompetence or move on to a more malleable man willing to get with her program and let her serve him in the manner she knows is true and right.
This attitude is something that is often assumed unconsciously, without the female at first being aware that she is doing it. A careful potential master will draw her out in detail about how she views slavery, what she imagines is the “right” way to be dominated or controlled, and then will verbally compare this to his own methods of domination to see if she is flexible enough to loosen her grip on her fixed ideas and simply follow him with devotion and respect. Is her love for this man strong enough to put aside her fantasies about the life she wants to lead? Can she just live an actual life of slavery under his control, following him to the ends of the earth, if needed? Or is this more of a playful sexual obsession for her, fueled by egotistical fantasies in which the master’s own personal feelings and desires barely matter unless they fit her playscript of how things should be? If it becomes clear that a woman is clinging to views of submission and service that are not quite what her master considers service and submission and if, despite this devotion to an ideal rather than to him, she insists she can still serve him in any way he wants, her master may have to push her a little and see if her resolve is just hot air or an actual desire to change for him. A wise man, no matter how attracted he is to the female before him or what potential he sees in her, will consider carefully the results of such tests and, if they are negative, ask himself if he wants to be served by an inflexible, headstrong servant who will constantly push him to do things her way.
A woman who really desires to serve a particular man can help this process along immensely by going into the relationship with as open a mind as she is capable of assuming and without a lot of preconceived ideas of how things are going to be. Often women can find out what preconceived ideas they have about a promising relationship by taking a close look at their fantasies about the man, both sexual and non-sexual. Yes, sometimes these are a bit extreme, but the details don’t matter as much as the overall patterns of relating that are revealed. Such fantasies tell us how we would ideally like the relationship to go. Sometimes these fantasies have been taught to us by a largely vanilla culture. Even if our cultural sources have been popular BDSM (like Fifty Shades of Grey) they are usually at their core quite conventional and promote the cultural ideals most popular at the time they were made. For instance, at this time the most prominent cultural ideal is feminism, and Fifty Shades, at least in the movie versions, is very careful to make the heroine very feminist and independent. While an independent and bratty feminist works for most casual men (including those posing as masters), a genuine master typically despises that type of self-important and self-obsessed know-it-all. He knows they’re not worth the time wasted in attempting to “break” them or somehow earn their respect.
If a woman discovers she has specific expectations as she is getting to know the man she wishes to serve, she should tell him about these immediately and let him prescribe the cure—if he deems one is needed (if her expectations are in sync with his reality, nothing may need to change). If she really admires this man and is determined to serve him well and he is open to hearing from her, then the best thing she can do is to politely and with respect for his time ask specific questions about his ideals and practices, about how things might be, or about what he believes most strongly about controlling and owning women and then listen very carefully to his answers, following up on anything that she finds difficult to accept rather than making the mistake of egotistically brushing potential conflicts off as something her marvelous personality will cause him to change for her or make an exception for. If she honestly wants to adopt his views about things, as most good servants do, then she needs to practice both remaining open-minded and being very honest (but not demanding) with him about the things that she finds disturbing or not as she expected. Doing both often requires a reduction in egotism and self-centeredness. Most women at this time are not only plagued by these awful characteristics, they are trained and encouraged to adopt them at an early age.
Arguing intensely with someone she claims to want to serve with her whole heart and soul about how things should be. In this case, an overblown ego is telling the arguer, “My advanced and superior ethics about service are the only right ones and any man who wants me serving him has got to understand that I will serve him the right way. (a.k.a. my way) ” But just who is serving who in such a scenario? The emotional math goes like this: he deeply misunderstands how wonderful and intelligent and worldly she is and his ignoring or rejecting her (right) views on matters is a deep insult. But here’s where the math does not add up: if all of the above is true about her than why isn’t she being served by this “obvious inferior” rather than the other way around? Why is she seeking to serve him if he is so clueless, incompetent, or needful of her wise perception and advice? Why, indeed!
A female whose speech and actions clearly show that she is thinking along these lines usually has a large, uncontrolled ego that desires to bask in frequent stroking and copious admiration from the man she looks up to. This is not at all unusual in the average woman today, as modern society strongly encourages females to assert themselves and polish their egos. Such a woman sometimes takes this self-centeredness to extremes, however: she feels that she is right and must be proven right, no matter what the cost to anyone or anything else, including service to her man and facing the simple truth about the situation. Such a woman has the strong potential to become a conventional nag in the future. Even so, it’s amazing how some men will accept this behavior from supposedly submissive females, which often consists of cracking a demoralizing whip of discontent, disappointment, and criticism constantly over their heads. One must wonder at their motives: is a hot piece of ass or the security of being in a relationship really that hard to get?
It’s quite difficult to provide advice to someone who is already completely convinced she knows best, except to suggest she try to open her mind just a little bit, but unfortunately this type is usually already convinced she has the most open mind of anyone she’s ever met and so nothing needs to change with her. Instead, it’s always someone else’s fault: they’re just too stupid to see her wonderful and wise intentions for what they actually are. A skilled master can sometimes work with such a blinded personality by showing the many situations in which she is wrong or mistaken in her assumptions and point out that this is why a smaller, wiser part of herself wanted to serve someone who is her intellectual and moral superior. This sort of demonstration will work if her ego has not built too large a fortress around her real self. Unfortunately, it’s also human nature to stubbornly dig in deeper when presented with facts that contradict our beliefs, otherwise known as the Backfire Effect. I have seen many women who insist they are slaves but who are incapable of opening up even the tiniest chink in the thick armored walls of their protective egos. They won’t open their minds enough to allow the attempts by their masters to contact their real selves (which, if they are lucky, may still be alive somewhere inside this bristling fortress of insecurity) succeed.
Laziness, sloppiness, flakiness and a pattern of excuses for all of the above. “Oh, it’s not important that I do this little thing he told me to do. It’s so minor.” “I don’t have to complete that task, I’m out of time and need to get my nails done.” “I just don’t want to do what he told me to do at this time, so I’ll lie about it and do it later. Since I’m not yet living with him, he’ll never know the difference.” “I’m very busy and stressed right now and I just don’t have the time for what he wants.” These are some of the rationalizations lazy females use to avoid doing the often simple and easy tasks assigned to them by men they claim they want to serve. Laziness is bad, but when combined with inner permission to avoid accountability, it’s highly erosive to any form of authority dynamic. But it can, over time, be corrected by a good master if the female is completely open and honest with him, as she should always be in these types of relationships. She should ask herself: how would she feel if somebody she wanted to serve was always late or frequently stood her up? What if he said they would do something over the weekend but then just mysteriously disappeared for days? What if he claimed he wanted her to live with him, and made extensive plans in that direction, but then out of blue and at the last minute (after she’d given up her current residence) simply told her it couldn’t happen now and never explained why? These scenarios would be the dominant version of laziness, sloppiness, and flakiness. It doesn’t sound very appealing, does it? A dominant man feels no different when a woman constantly lets him down. When she doesn’t do what she is told to do or what she says she will do, however simple and easy it might be, when she doesn’t keep her word, does things shoddily or incompletely, or gets things to him far later than when she promised, if at all, she has drifted into the shiftless abstract of laziness and complacency. If she combines her laziness with dishonesty and lies about the reasons for her incompetence, always having what she imagines is a “good excuse,” she’ll never gain his trust back once he suspects, tests for, and discovers how much she’s been lying to him. Dishonesty that extreme (and unnecessary) destroys this sort of relationship before it even begins.
There are two issues here: one is being an indolent flake who can’t be trusted to do anything she promises and the other is pretending she isn’t that person through lying. The first issue is easy to fix if the lazy female is serving a sane and just man: she just needs to admit what she has been doing wrong, feel genuine remorse for her past behavior, and accept any consequences that fall out from this revelation, whatever they may be. If the man completely cuts her off from him, that is his right, too. In that situation, she should once more express her deep regret at her transgression and then move on. If this sort of response on the man’s part seems unfair, she should try very hard not to provoke the next person she meets with flaky, irresponsible behavior.
The second issue, lying about what she has done, is far more difficult to fix. Lying to someone she claims to serve is a strong betrayal of everything this submissive woman was hoping to build and it’s natural that some men will not want to continue to dominate her once she admits this to them. But it’s still much better to admit it than to continue lying to him, because eventually she will be found out—and the fallout may even be worse then. When she comes clean with something she can still exit honorably at least, knowing she finally did the right thing, even if it was too late, even if it feels like she’s being punished by him. The best thing to do is just accept what happened, understand why it happened, resolve not to make that mistake again with the next man, and move on. But this is easier said than done. The long, hard road toward fixing this error lies in a deep, honest examination of oneself and one’s motives and doing the hard work of real personal improvement that builds character and effectively changes the undertow of defective thinking. This isn’t something that can happen over a matter of minutes or even a couple of days.
Intentional Lying. Whoops! She has an STD and he told her he never accepts service with someone who has STDs. We’ll, it’s just a minor STD. It doesn’t kill you. No need to mention it or help prevent him from getting it too. Actually, that would be good, because then she’d have company! Or maybe she’s claimed a lot more for herself than is actually true: claimed to be a talented and accomplished artist or an established writer with a book contract, claimed she’s very wealthy, or that she’s a very experienced submissive who, of course, deeply understands slavery, etc.. Whatever it is, this lie (or lies, if she is compulsive in that area) completely destroys everything she claims to want to build with a dominant man as his trusted, reliable servant. We’re describing some bad things in this article, but lying to her master takes the cake as the worst error a potential servant can make. A great many faults can be forgiven, even faults of extreme ego, but lying is something that is very hard to recover from—whether the female is found out or not. Even a moderately intelligent master will regard the liar who claimed she wanted to serve him just as one would an asp: something dangerous and potentially deadly one should avoid contact with at all costs. With a very intelligent master, she’ll never recover, and given how subtle genuinely intelligent people tend to be, she may never realize that he knew all along she’d lied to him about various things and just let her continue with it, because it interested or benefited him in some way to do so. When a liar doesn’t know she is found out, she tends to get lazy and sloppy with her lies.
One useful strategy to employ when you notice or highly suspect somebody is lying to you is to feign ignorance about what they are doing. That way, you can watch them covertly and they, not having been put on their guard against you, will continue to lie in ways that are more easily discerned as lies. Knowing how someone lies and what they lie about is useful information when dealing with an enemy that is close to you: and a female who is purposefully and willfully lying to you is most definitely your enemy, however fond of her you may be. Be on high alert once you suspect strongly that you are being lied to. A female may lie once, about something very important or frightening to her, and then never again. Or she may lie so constantly and habitually that her first response to any question you ask is always a direct lie, or a question that confounds the conversation and covers her tracks. It’s important to know what it is you are dealing with here, so do not immediately give the game away, as much as you may want to let her know you’ve caught her. Wait and watch. If it’s a one-time thing, you can talk to her later about it (after you’ve determined she’s not consistently lying), determine the reasons for it, and then apply any corrective measure you deem necessary. The end game, ultimately, must be to expose the lying and salvage what you can from the liar. Putting off this hard work only compounds the security of the liar and her habit of lying, along with the extended insult of you appearing unobservant and naive in her eyes, so don’t take up the game of play a sucker to catch a sucker too long. Life is short and time spending it in positivity is crucial.
And word of caution: sometimes seeing and believing isn’t always right. What appears to be a lie at first blush may turn out to be the truth after all, so be methodical and objective in gauging her honesty. Gather the information necessary to convince yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt that she’s manipulating truth, otherwise you may raise unnecessary conflict.
Compulsive, extensive lying tends to have deep, snarled roots in mental dysfunction. It wreaks so much havoc in the lives of others that life is better off alone than with a chronic liar. Luckily, most of us do not have to face this hard choice. We just move on to someone more suited for us, once we determine the person we are with cannot be trusted…with anything.
We have no advice for compulsive liars except for advice they probably won’t take, but here it goes: if you should ever get a glimmering that this this a problem for you (typically other people will tell you over and over again to stop lying to them—that’s how you know, so start listening to them rather than denying it), immediately go get the best professional help you can. You need a psychologist who is an expert in dealing with liars, or you will just lie to him or her and nothing will be fixed. Not so strangely, compulsive liars often do not know that this is their tragic flaw, for the person they lie to the most is themselves and they tend to assume others are just like them: telling them lies out of self-interest.
Entering a relationship of service with the intent to manipulate the man you serve into becoming the form of male you prefer. There are many women, some young and inexperienced with life, some a little older—most of whom have already run through half a dozen half-baked “masters”—who have this fixed idea in their heads about what the ideal master has to do to be worthy of them. They have an intense desire to change men into their ideal instead of opening themselves to to a man’s style of mastery and dominance, absorbing his spirit as their own. This is most often done by women who are both deeply willful and insecure at the same time. While similar to the females discussed above in item 2, this woman is more concerned with shaping the man she is involved with rather than scripting the relationship. She is Pygmalion and he her raw chunk of marble male waiting to be carved into the perfect master, for her. Such a woman wants to be controlled, but only in the ways in which she dictates or considers right. When she comes across a compliant man who needs to please her (sadly, this isn’t exactly unusual these days), she has the potential to use this desire to subtly shape him into her ideal. And should this effort succeed, she’ll likely find herself strangely dissatisfied with her creation and increasingly frustrated that he doesn’t assert himself more at unexpected times, rather than only in the circumstances she has “programmed” him to respond like a master in.
This sort of woman is trapped in a pit of her own making: she’s unwilling to relax, stop trying to control everything, and just follow the man’s lead but she’s deeply dissatisfied by the agreeable, helpful, obedient creature she has turned this man into. She’s often too scared to approach or stay with a strong male, because her inner control freak won’t allow it, and so she pretends to herself to be deeply concerned with her own safety and well-being around anyone strong enough to truly dominate her. That way she can have her weak man posing as dominant and stay subtly in charge.
Such females need to get honest with themselves and give up the illusions of their submission. They can either become female dominants or get into a profession, like sales, where their particular combination of aggression, insecurity, and need to be in control at all times can be a bonus. But some of them feel they have to explore and conquer every world out there that seems the least bit attractive or intriguing, and so when they arrive on our shores, they naturally convince themselves that maybe submission to a man is the key to the joy and happiness they’ve been looking for all their lives—despite the fact their understanding of femininity and submission is deeply flawed. Our advice to such a woman is “Know Thyself.” Figure out what you really want in life, what makes you deeply passionate, and if it happens to be submission, go for it with all of your heart, soul, and sincerity. Once you know the man you wish to serve and have learned to trust in him, do not hold back. Pour yourself into the mold, leaving nothing spared. Do not insist upon retaining a sliver of control, for this will corrupt you in time, as your submission will be imperfect. Your future master may let you retain some of your power in the world, if it benefits him and doesn’t corrupt you, but he might also insist that you leave everything familiar behind and simply follow him. That’s what slavery is all about: stepping off that steep cliff, abandoning everything for the man you crave to serve with all of your heart.
Serving from a position of deep selfishness rather than selflessness or wanting to serve out of a desire to please/improve yourself, not to please him and improve his life. Often the woman who does this is in complete denial of her selfish, grasping nature. She is one of the best slaves that ever lived, and her master is there primarily to help her fulfill her potential so she can become the woman of her dreams. Never mind all those crashed, burned-out relationships that litter the freeway of her past life. She just happened to meet 5…10…20…or 30 men who were absolutely horrible and who treated her terribly! It was never her fault! They were all evil or stupid or wrong in some way, according to her. Maybe this track record means she has a problem with perception, but she really doesn’t want to believe this because she knows for a fact that she is a Good Girl—saintly even. The men of her past were all just insensitive dullards incapable of understanding and appreciating her pure motives and the beauty of her soul. This time, with her new master, she knows things will be different. The man who hears such a woman’s sob stories about terrible failed relationships and doesn’t grasp that she, herself, is the only thing all these “terrible” men had in common probably deserves everything he’s likely to get from her: to put it politely, a massively dysfunctional “learning experience.” It’s flattering to think of oneself as the single good man in a woman’s life that’s been darkened by miserable disappointments, but realize this might be a trap of male ego. Admittedly, it feels really good to think you are the only decent male amidst a batch of misfits or cretins, but beware: it can sometimes take a man duped by a female’s beauty and sob stories years to extricate himself from the slimy tentacles her needy, co-dependent, and extremely self-centered personality.
Men should learn to recognize this type from miles away so that they can avoid them at a very early stage. “Miles away” is a metaphor for the first few conversations: you can often tell from these what she is really like inside. Men often learn about this type from being burned by women with the same personality flaws: when they met yet another female who talks a lot like the one who wasted two or more years of their time, effort, and commitment, they will tend to watch her very carefully, if they decide to proceed at all.
Women who are selfish very often do not realize how selfish they are. They are wrapped up in a pipe dream, partially encouraged by the female centrism of the modern age, of what good, self-sacrificing, pure, helpful angels they are. They do not realize the depths of their selfishness and how self-interest extends into almost everything they think and do. It’s this illusion of her innate female goodness and an unwillingness to let it go that leads a deeply selfish woman to steamroller over others as she lives her supposedly caring and giving life. Sometimes such women are so broken mentally and emotionally that they refuse to see the horrible damage their masquerading causes everyone they come in close contact with. A woman with a bad case of this disease won’t even be reading this paragraph, as she’s utterly convinced that nothing in the above descriptions apply in the least to her (she’s probably not on a site like this anyway). She just knows that she never hurts other people, that she never lets anyone down, that she doesn’t think only of her own pleasure, for she has such a beautiful, caring mind and soul. She is this wonderful angel who cares so deeply when animals (or sometimes humans, particularly those far away from her) are harmed –but treats the people around her, those regularly in her life, quite differently.
Often such women want to serve someone due to their fantasies of being such perfect, loving, selfless angels. It’s important for a man to observe how a woman who describes herself in this way acts in real life around the people closest to her, particularly those who depend upon her. Is she is constantly disappointing them, letting them down, promising wonderful things (because it makes her feel good to do so) but never following through (because she doesn’t want to be bothered, and her needs always come first)? Does she forget her promises, break her commitments, including those to her family in order spend time with you? (As flattering as this may be, it is a warning sign that you may be next to be neglected when she becomes familiar with you.) Finally, does she express her aggression passively? Does she beg for a desire to serve selflessly and then, when given an opportunity, whine worriedly in a stressed-out tone over most commands she is given, pretending that what you want her to do will hurt others as well as herself, and she’s just wisely looking out (something you can’t do, apparently) for everybody’s welfare? The latter sort of woman tends to have a huge pleasant fantasy in her head about what service and obedience feels like and an actual master who demands real service from his slaves, service that benefits him, is not serving up the easy and soft romantic program she expects.
Keep in mind that a woman who loves to serve genuinely and unselfishly seldom describes herself in these glowing selfless goddess terms. If anything, she will take great pains to warn you about her personal flaws, downplay her good points, and hold, in general, a relatively low self-opinion because she is highly mindful and self-critical. Some self-described masters claim these purer types, these simple-hearted, altruistic, loving women are “boring.” Something in them craves the more “exciting” highly aggressive or hysterical, constantly-throwing-obstacles-in-one’s-path, head case. This preference is usually a clear indication that being a dominant rather than a master, a man without complete control over a woman would be more rewarding for this sort of person. A man who wants to truly master a female loves the compliant, obedient, self-effacing types, as they are so cooperative in their enslavement, so giving of themselves, and actually enjoy submission. They strive to make things easy for their masters and hate causing conflict. It is intensely erotic, for someone who loves controlling others, to dominate someone so willing and cooperative with her own subjugation.
Underestimating Him. Most often it’s his intelligence. Women who are mentally just slightly above average, maybe on the 60th percentile, are far less likely to perceive that someone else is immensely more intelligent than they are. For one thing, very smart people, if they’re emotionally mature, often don’t hammer their extreme intelligence down the throats of others, even if they can. They know they’re smart and feel no need to constantly advertise that fact. They save their brilliance for when it is really needed or where it will do the most good. A slightly smarter than average girl will tend to believe an intelligent male is on the same level or slightly less intelligent than herself. She will, particularly if she is young and inexperienced, lecture him wisely on the ways of the world, boast directly or indirectly about her intellectual prowess, and, because she cannot understand or grasp the multiple levels of an intelligent man’s responses and because, while aware of that, he’s sensitive and polite over her lack of mental horsepower, she’ll start to think of him as quite dense. Because a sixty-percenter has seen that she is smarter than some people (or perhaps others have, for various reasons of their own, let her believe this), she assumes these experiences indicate that she is extraordinarily brilliant—smarter than almost everyone alive and certainly smarter than just about everyone she meets.
A woman will also often underestimate the man’s overall moral superiority over her. (And yes, I did say his moral superiority!) Many women have the ability to ruthlessly lie to men, steal or use all of their resources, flake out on them and let them down constantly, act completely irresponsibly, defy the men they claim to obey, rage at them when they don’t get their way, nag them incessantly, threaten to abandon the relationships they took sacred vows to maintain, insist men totally accept all their lies, and after all that, think of themselves as angelic, harmless victims.
So how does a women who is a self-satisfied poster-child for mental and emotional Dunning-Kruger effect learn that this is what she is so that she can honestly address her false, egotistical, self-aggrandizing beliefs? Asking someone with this condition to diagnose themselves or to accept the diagnosis of an objective observer is bound to fail, because her need to believe she is good at everything is often based in abysmally deep insecurity and low-self-esteem. Normally, a woman with low self-esteem can make a great servant. In fact, I would go so far as to say they make the best servants for various psychological reasons that could be the subject of an entirely separate article (and probably already was—see “Doormat!,” for instance), but they only do so if they are aware of their low self-esteem and willingly, even warmly, accept it as part of who they are, practices which encourage growth and require real moral fiber. The typical intellectual diva or selfless moral angel will never admit that all of her hot air comes from a deep insecurity inside her. For whatever reason, she’s decided, often on a deeply unconscious level, that the best way to proceed with life and get what she wants out of it is to don a very strong, extroverted, false face over the person she really is, because she imagines it is one that most people will love and adore. A woman with this problem who manages to let some fresh air of reality inside may realize she has a problem she needs to deal with and get help with her insecurity. Such obviously false and flashy personalities are like the tiny running car that is the base of the gigantic balloon that everybody sees floating down the street during a parade…and applauds. Without that hidden little car tethered to the huge balloon, directing it and pulling it along, that big, fat plastic bag of hot air would just float away helplessly in the sky. The insecurity is the driver, the controller of a gigantic ego and it’s that insecurity the female needs to look down from her elevated heights and recognize, not only as a part of herself, but the most important part: the part she needs to address if she’s to be of any real use or worth to anybody, particularly a very dominant man.
Perhaps a small way in which a woman with this defect in her nature can start addressing it would be to try to observe, before she says something she wants to say (or, at very least, right after she says it) whether what was communicated was meant to help someone else, convey useful information, express a positive emotion, or…make herself look good, build her personal reputation with another person or group, impress somebody, prove to someone how smart or morally superior she is, defend her ego in some way, show off how much she knows or has done, or promote her greatness in some other way. For the moment, just observe: say what you want to say or write what you want to write: do not edit it into a more self-flattering and modest version of the original. Instead, try to determine, as honestly as you can, where the statements came from. What motivated you to communicate this? Did you feel this person would not respect you if you didn’t toot your own horn loudly? Were you afraid a group would ignore you if you didn’t have the best war story to tell? Why did you feel it imperative to lie, gloss over, or “imaginatively enhance” a certain part of your life rather than telling the simple truth about what happened or who you really are? As a starting point, this sort of self-questioning is more than enough. The answers, if they are honest ones, will be painful, so a woman should not overindulge in this as it’s possible to develop a hypocritical masochistic taste for this sort of self-revelation and to start doing it in public (i.e. showing off again, just in a way that’s a little less perceptible to others). It’s perfectly fine to continue on as normal for most of the time, but a woman who knows she’s like this should set aside a little time, once a day maybe or once a week, to look closely at what she is saying or doing. Overindulgence in self-observation, for any person, often leads to mental paralysis (based on the false idea that one can’t do anything without doing something awful) or harmful thoughts, so consider this exercise a case where one pill might help but a hundred will likely cause serious harm. Gradually, she may find herself improving her observational skills and self-objectivity, enough to quietly begin to reform her thinking and resulting behavior. Of course, having honest, if harsh, feedback from one’s master could speed this process along, if the female were genuinely sincere and remorseful for the bloated egotist she has been.
The desire to examine oneself, while it may be ordered from outside, is also something that has to come from within. Honest self-examination can be so painful that a woman really has to see a strong benefit to doing it to stay the course. Some people get fed up with nothing ever working right for them, with their relationships always failing, with friends becoming alienated, with someone they treated badly dying before they could say they were sorry and at some point they get a glimmering that the common denominator in all those failures isn’t this great variety of other “mean” people out there—it is themselves, and themselves only. Other times, a female may have to suffer seriously painful setbacks and losses in life, and, after numerous periods of grief and denial, come to realize that the reasons for some of the things that “randomly happened” to her were clearly caused by herself, particularly by her attitudes. Other times, the realization may be instantaneous: out of the blue a woman may catch herself in a really egotistical moment, really see the ugly things she is doing and saying, experience her less-than-pure motivations with crystal clarity, and start to hate what she has become. Howsoever it comes, without a strong desire to learn and then to change, a habitual egotist is not going to make much headway with such an exercise. Her mind will always find convenient, plausible excuses for each statement and each behavior.
Taking him for granted. This usually doesn’t occur until after the relationship has established itself and the female has grown comfortable in her role. Even if she’s managed to avoid all of the mistakes described above, it is very easy, particularly if the man she serves is fair, just, and affectionate with her, to start taking his good nature for granted. She may start to assume that anything she asks for she can eventually get, if she asks enough times or in enough different ways. She may even begin to assume that her desires will never be turned down. She may start to view a kind man as a facilitator of her personal growth, pleasure, and experiences—a vending machine popping out attention, gifts, advice, or other goodies every time she pushes the “whine–I’m unhappy, master!” button. She may start to forget, after a while, how awful or unfulfilling her other relationships have been. She may even, if she becomes too proud and complacent, assume that men like him are everywhere and that she can find another just like him without a lot of trouble. When complacency sets in, the typical female relaxes too much and she stops caring. She stops doing her chores as meticulously as she once did and begins to slack off with other responsibilities, like not bringing home his favorite fruits or changing the bed sheets long past when they should have been changed. She may forget to address the man she serves in a respectful tone, forget to follow the household rules, or just become so contented and full of well-being from all the careful attention the man has given her than she forgets she is there to serve him.
We see lots of these lazy, self-satisfied “slaves” hanging out on public message boards, where they spend huge amounts of time each day boasting about what great servants they are to their men while, at the same time, giving others condescending and often snarky advice, or attacking them. You can’t help but notice the disease when you see these vicious kitties boast-posting in every single group or thread that mentions masters or slaves, or engaging in their second-favorite pastime: viciously attacking others, particularly dominant men who don’t immediately suck up to them and females who strike them as more servile than they are. They spend so much time doing these things that you tend to wonder what their houses look like. Keeping a home clean and beautiful, shopping for and preparing good, healthy home-cooked meals, taking care of children, running errands, and working hard in other ways to make one’s master’s life pleasant takes a great deal of time. Good servants have time, only rarely, to post extensively online. They certainly don’t live online or live for the adulation of cliques and attack gangs.
Complacency is something that a woman serving a man should immediately report if she sees it growing in herself, as, generally speaking, it’s only something the man can fix. Punishment works well in this area, particularly if she hasn’t had to be punished in a while. The shock of it, if the punishment is affecting enough, will often bring her to her senses and make her wonder what in the world she was doing. Unfortunately, so many dominant men who start out with good intentions become absentee landlords toward their females. I suspect this is particularly true of the aimless and unpleasant cliques of women we see online who claim to be slaves. There’s likely a big leap of reality between their lives lived behind a keyboard and their actual lives.
Only able to serve if she is given attention or other things she craves. Some would-be servants operate on the unspoken and often unexamined marketplace principle that they can only fully serve a man if he is giving them something in return—something besides dominance, control, structure, and meaning, that is. The favored currency is often attention, but other compensation is also accepted. If given regular, repetitive duties to perform, they do not do them unless ordered to each and every time they are scheduled to do them. A woman who cares about her master’s comfort, wishes, and pleasure just quietly does her assigned tasks, whatever these might be, when she is supposed to do them so that she doesn’t inconvenience him. She doesn’t require constant shots of the attention drug: reminders, exhortations, scoldings, punishments, long talks about her behavior (all things which, even while negative on the surface, feed some women’s insatiable need for constant attention). She waits patiently until her master desires to give her some attention. The attention that comes her way, when it does come, is usually positive because she’s been functioning as a servant should: quietly performing her duties and awaiting the pleasure of her master’s company when and how he desires to give it. Females new to service often think of it as a sort of job or career in which they must be “paid,” usually with special attention from their masters but also with physical comforts, gifts, or even money. They make the common beginner’s mistake of turning a relationship that is supposed to be about unselfish service that demands nothing in return into a crass mercantile transaction and become increasingly disobedient if they don’t get their regular fix of whatever it is they are after. Although she may not demand money, such a woman is a common form of prostitute: the attention whore. And, for attention whores, being paid in their preferred coin is far more important than your needs, no matter how much they talk about devotion. A very good way to test the potential of a possible servant is to explain to her what selfless service entails, and, if she agrees this is what she wants, to see how well she can function without constant regular attention from you: without reminders about her duties, without constant supportive texts, emails, or phone calls. Cutting someone off cold-turkey is very harsh and confusing: even the best of slaves come up with questions that need clarification or worries/issues they need to discuss with their masters, so keeping oneself available is a good idea for a man with a new or potential slave. But if you find she needs or expects a lot more time and attention, even in the early stages, and she is strident or lays blame when she doesn’t get it immediately, this should tell you something.
A woman who won’t do the simplest things without first getting her expected shot of “attention-heroin” from her master is the farthest thing from a submissive females there is, no matter how saintly she regards herself. She’s a crass negotiator, making it clear to you that she will only do this thing if she gets that thing in exchange. She may try to mask this resentful disobedience in plausible excuses like, “I just forgot,” or in performing the service shoddily and partially, leaving lots undone to demonstrate how little she cares about your desires for good work from her. While forgetting an order once or twice is common during the learning stage, if it is regular, it’s a sign there is a problem. She doesn’t care enough to do what it takes to remember to perform the task or remember how to do it right. Note that such a female never forgets when you promise to take her out for dinner or for drinks or buy her clothing or take her on a vacation (and will remind you constantly of this if you forget!) Strangely, she also never forgets when it’s time to get an expensive, self-indulgent beauty treatment or when her favorite TV show is on or that she wants to have pizza for dinner. But somehow her memory isn’t capable of recalling that you told her to rake up all the leaves in the yard, not just some of them, or that you have told her six times never to put certain delicate items in the wash. Sometimes forgetting is a physical/mental issue that you and she must find ways to work with and improve, ways such as by writing things down or using other mnemonic techniques. But more often, it’s just a sign that she couldn’t care less about your goals, objectives, or needs without hers being considered, and so gives the tasks assigned her only partial attention and focus.
If a woman becomes aware of the mercenary prostitute she’s become, she can start to change. The hardest part for females who exude these flaws is becoming aware of their true natures in the first place. Even if the man is strong enough to insist she see the truth about herself and the grasping nature of her service, she will, if she’s deeply committed to the transactional “I must get as good as I give” attitude, either dismiss her master’s dissatisfaction in her head as nonsense, think he is unfairly attacking her, or completely admit to her fault in the moment, but then forget a few minutes after the conversation that this issue was even brought up. There isn’t much that can be done with a female in such an extreme stage of denial. A man might want to let her go off and experience the harshness and disappointments life brings to those who regularly deny reality. Even then, if she calls crawling back to you, years later, repentant, she will no longer be the enchanting creature you once wanted to own (“Yet neer the self-same men shall meet; the years shall make us other men.”–Robert Graves). The world will likely have done other things to her personality: coarsened it, made her more capable of other forms of deception, and embittered her. The only hope for such a female is that, no matter how hard it is, she must realize at the time she is with a master how unsubmissive she is. Then, she must have an intense and sincere desire (not motivated by a craving for more reciprocation) to change, and then, more important than anything else, actually follow through on her plan to change. A sane, smart man can help her a little by discussing this ugly thing inside her and strategizing on ways to defeat it, but because it is a part of her, only she can do the hard work of changing. Many such women, if they get some encouragement to change from their masters, will incorrectly regard them as the instigators of the change: the master will somehow wave his magical wand to fix his slave and she won’t have to make any effort of her own. Assuming that attitude is huge mistake on the woman’s part and will likely result in failure to change if she refuses to take the responsibility that is solely hers.
Women: Are you fired up over this article? We admit that we didn’t hold anything back or soften our words to make them more palatable. We hope you can eventually put your shock and upset aside and read again with an open mind, because if you can get past the harsh words, we strongly believe there’s plenty to learn above. This list represents many years of experience with dealing with many wayward women who claim interest in submission but fall horribly short of the mark when tested. Marc, as a master with more than twenty years of experience in domination, has seen just about every trick under the sun, from honest mistakes of ignorance to deep-set personality disorders. Nina, who has served two masters over the course of her life, has watched from the other side of the dynamic as women have approached the men she serves, only to crash and burn. She’s lived long enough to have seen the patterns of deception and manipulation in women who fail at serving. It’s our sincere hope that men who are prospective masters, dominants, or husbands consider these ten monumental errors carefully and watch out for them when training their females. We hope females honestly seeking submission read these points carefully, too. Doing so may save years of trial, error, pain and conflict in attempting to truly submit with all the best of intentions, despite some hidden enemies of the psyche lying within.
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When They Want to Serve a Man
April 28, 2016
Acceptance in submission (and of one’s submission) can be viewed as a work of art that is never finished and whose canvas is the human heart. When thinking of subservient women, this word brings to mind a shimmering oil painting composed of intense, positive attitudes onto which each humbled female’s consciousness casts her own particular hues. Within that shifting, beautiful canvas there is, for instance, the warm glowing shade of simple accomplishment. This is what a devoted female feels when she attempts something hard that she’s been ordered to do and does it fully, without complaint or reservation. There is often the solid and secure awareness that she is exactly where she should be in life, exactly where she belongs. There may be a deep sense of gratitude that, due to lucky coincidence, she met the man that she now serves, this man who so perfectly meets her strongest emotional needs. Then there’s the incredibly powerful sense of emotional security that a woman who needs ownership and control feels when she is truly owned and controlled. There’s also the near-blissful experience of giving generously and unstintingly of herself, no matter how hard it is, knowing that her energy, efforts, and sacrifices help to make her man’s life better. Some women feel a cleansing release from the pressure of having to make all of the decisions in life. It feels so good not to have to steer one’s own course through the world’s dangerous and troubled waters. A woman’s acceptance of her chosen lot in life, to serve a man she worships, even if it’s not absolutely perfect (and what in life is?) is an emotional canvas comprised of many brilliant complimentary colors. Acceptance brings quiet and abiding joy, peace, and relaxation to formerly stressed, unhappy, or insecure women who once wandered lost through their alienated, self-willed lives.
Complete acceptance of whatever her man wishes may bring a humbled female temporary distress at times, but overall her satisfaction, sense of purpose, and happiness with herself will be higher than at any other time in her adult life. One nice thing about acquiescing to the will of the man in your life is that this is not an arcane science, difficult to master. Any woman serving a man in a personal relationship can practice simple acceptance and benefit from it, provided he is also on board with it and not an unwilling participant in her fantasy of submission. She can, happily and securely, work toward perfecting herself under his watchful guidance and control.
There are many women who genuinely want to learn more and better ways to serve and surrender. They reject the idea of secretly fighting their men at every turn while they pretend absolute obedience.
Acceptance is an intentional choice that one must desire with a sincere heart as well as regularly embrace and affirm it if it is to be both genuine and strong. Some women, however, are incapable of the even the simplest levels of self-honesty and desire for personal change that this choice requires.They are far more invested in (one could even say addicted to) dramatic acting out of petty emotional theater productions that always end with themselves in the right and others in the wrong. Such emotionally ill females are incapable of even the simplest and easiest forms of personal honesty and self-criticism. And if they imagine themselves to be submissive and giving rather than grossly self-infatuated, they take a very different route when interacting with men they claim they want to serve. Emily is one such woman.
Emily is a drama queen par excellence. Online, she is known by others as a deeply submissive woman who loves her master passionately and who is almost preternaturally obedient. Her blogs are avidly read and praised by inexperienced submissive women and dominant men, who take her subtly boastful claims at face value. She thrives on this attention and on maintaining her sterling reputation, which, like many online reputations, is constructed almost entirely of an impressive house of cards: word-pictures painted for the gullible who want to believe she is for real but will never observe how she actually lives or behaves. She manages her image very well in the kinky social media she interacts with and no one would suspect that this exemplary female who seems to know so much about surrender and obedience is actually a harpy in her personal life, utterly determined to get her own way at all times, no matter what the cost to others, particularly to the man she putatively serves.
While Emily literally lives online as a sterling example of female submission, in her private, offline life, she is one of those women who “manages her own submission.” Her idea of control is what her master is “allowed” to exhibit around her or order her to do; anything else is either ignored or fought tooth and nail, often with a great deal of subtle psychological manipulation. Emily and her older, doting master still live apart, as many couples who initially meet online do until time and fortunes allow for a closer union. She has schemes on the back burner to change that, although, at the moment she is still quite busy with conditioning her master to “truly understand” her sensitive soul.
This relationship is still relatively new and certainly not her first attempt at submission to a man. Sadly, no man has been truly dominant enough to master her, she feels. Her current master, like so many others she has met, seems remarkably dense when it comes to her sensitive feelings and needs and sometimes she must literally shove them in his face before he acknowledges just how wonderful she is and all that she does for him. Emily never fully admits to herself how manipulative she is being. With a devoted, subservient self-image that she never questions, she resorts to what can only be termed “base trickery” to convince her master of her worth to him. All of her emotional ploys are, at core, about controlling her master’s reactions, steering his attitudes in the directions she wishes, and eventually getting him—by emotional reward and punishment—to give her whatever it is she feels her wounded soul needs at that time.
Don’t get me wrong: Emily is not a traditional gold-digger. What she wants is 90% emotional: attention, love, fawning adoration, her master’s exclusive time, and his firm belief that she is the best (and only) woman in the world for him. Although she prefers to believe she doesn’t think in such “vanilla” terms, ultimately, it will be no less than marriage and monogamy that will satisfy Emily. Emily, sadly, pursues these ephemeral goals with a calculated single-mindedness that a potential gold-digger could actually learn a great deal from.
One common stratagem out of many that Emily employs involves inventing a false emotional crisis and then insisting her master must fix it because, after all, he is the one responsible for how she is feeling. This common trick has been used many times by untold numbers of women. A woman who desires something from the average man learns quickly how easily these emotional parries and feints work. Most men, for all of their apparent strength and rationality, quail at the idea that their woman might be feeling deep desperation, hurt, confusion, and despair because of something they did. Good-hearted, honorable, and fair, believing their partners are honestly expressing pain, most men will do anything to make the women in their lives smile again. The average female figures out how to play on this noble tendency pretty early in life. In order to make her deception believable, Emily becomes a sort of method actor. Even though deep inside she knows that the latest crisis she’s invented is all a lie, for a time she manages to convince herself that it is absolutely real, that she is actually feeling this intense distress. Not only is it the worst pain she has ever experienced, but only her man’s acknowledgement of her pain, his heartfelt apology for hurting her so cruelly, and his sincere promise to make it up to her will bring her out of this dark pit of despair that he has, through his blundering and selfishness, sunk her into. Often men wander through life, oblivious to the subtle emotional games women play with them, and attribute their own sadness and lack of peace despite significant personal achievement to some internal failing. Emily’s “master,” unfortunately for him (and, ultimately, for her), is one such man.
Emily alternates her bouts of deep, depressed angst with periods of intense, bubbling joy and seemingly heartfelt flattery. When she’s at the top end of the ever-turning drama wheel, she writes him love letters that puts conventional purple prose to shame. Emily’s master responds to these in a predictable fashion. They make him proud of her and of the fact that he “owns” this incredibly rare prize. Both her accusations of his wrongdoing and his eventual realization and acceptance of what he has done “wrong” exhilarate Emily and make her feel as though she is at the center of his universe, constantly on his mind. So she repeats this easy cycle, over and over again, and after each dramatic crisis her “master” becomes more concerned, more careful, more fawning, cowed, and more amazed at what a marvelous find he has.
While “Emily” is an invented character, a composite sketch based on many women I have known or observed, she is not at all uncommon. Because I was myself once something of an “Emily,” I can easily spot Emily types at work. Many a female cannot genuinely handle giving up control or accepting that a man is her ultimate authority in all things. For them, instead of a relaxing, joyous experience, acceptance of his will is a shameful defeat, or a fearful, nervous state in which they are convinced that they’ll never get what they really need without intense covert manipulation. But, at the same time, submission to a man seems so romantic and special! Just look at the men who are lovingly served by women: these males seem so happy with their girls, so confident and virile! And those slave girls, they seem so deliriously happy all the time! Desire to be something that they really aren’t or cannot be sets up a conflict in the minds and emotions of such proud, willful, and intensely greedy women. They don’t want to give up their emotional power over men, but at the same time some part of them wants the romantic experience of completely submitting to male power—that is, as long as it’s only inconvenient, difficult, or painful in their fantasies. Many, like Emily, settle for the easy compromise of appearance over substance. They deceive themselves—as well as their men. How can they deceive a strong, alert, dominant man? They can’t, of course, so, if they’re smart, they carefully select men they sense will be vulnerable to their wiles: men who, for their own reasons, desire the flattery these women offer and the status of being a master far more than the gratification that comes from the hard work of actually controlling another person.
Luckily, most of the people I am writing for, the people who will visit a site like Humbled Females without becoming outraged, those who embrace its message of male-led relationships being the best for both men and women, are not “Emilys” nor, if they are male, do they want to own “Emilys.” There are many women who genuinely want to learn more and better ways to serve and surrender. They reject the idea of secretly fighting their men at every turn while they pretend absolute obedience. Likewise, many men who are drawn to a site like this are determined to be strong leaders in such relationships and not fall for the common female deceptions that they see their buddies struggling with. Such people, I believe, are in the majority, at least among this site’s population. Still, those of us who are female can probably recognize a little bit of Emily inside ourselves. It’s not because we are bad people, it’s because we are female: it’s a part of our genetic inheritance. But unlike a club foot, deafness, or other physical impairment, emotional tendencies toward deceptiveness can be actively fought and even reversed as long as a woman sincerely desires to change and is capable of rudimentary self-honesty.
“I feel like a GOOD person when I just accept whatever my master wants. For years, with other partners, I felt like a bitch from hell and hated myself for being that way.” —Nicole
For those of us who want to cleanse the inner “Emily” from our psyches (or at least put her under lock and key), there are a few basic principles of human psychology that, once we are familiar with them, make it easier to understand why acceptance is such an affirming and important choice for a female to make. They explain the basis behind how and why acceptance works, psychologically, to make ourselves and our men happier. Once a female serving a male grasps the psychological dynamics behind the fights for power and drama caused by nonacceptance and experiences the misery and dissatisfaction such struggles bring to all concerned, it becomes a lot easier to integrate genuine acceptance into her life.
For a woman who chooses submission, the inability to accept what the man in her life wants is often based on (1) faulty thinking and (2) unfamiliarity with a basic tenet of human nature. Let’s start with the basic tenet. This principle states simply that “desire is infinite.” No matter what you do, no matter how hard you strive, no matter how much you buy or how much is given to you, you are still going to, as long as you can think and feel, want more. That is normal human nature and it is not as bad as it sounds. Desires are at the base of almost all human achievements. They provide the energy that drives us to achievement, some of which may better the world for ourselves and for those around us. Desire is behind all of the good that we do—as well as the bad.
While I don’t think desire can be completely scrubbed from the life of most people, many can, if they want to, learn over time to step back from the latest thing that they desire and carefully examine the consequences of getting it or of continuing to crave it.
Desire is not greed but it can be easy to confuse the two. Greed is actually desire on steroids. There is a strong quantitative difference between the two emotions and it’s good to be able to distinguish this difference, because desire and greed have to be handled in different ways: what works for one doesn’t work for the other. This article is talking primarily about handling desires or wants, not intense greed. The latter is fueled by other energies such as insecurity and pride, and those things must be addressed first before one can make headway with greed.
Most people live their entire lives leapfrogging from desire to desire. This emotional habit starts very early, in childhood. It goes like this: We’re going along just fine, everything’s OK, but nothing is too special. Then suddenly there is a stimulus: we encounter or experience something fascinating, something new, and we think, “If only I had that object, that feeling, that person, that experience, I would be happy, content, fulfilled forever.” This thing, whatever it is, becomes the top priority on one’s A list. But have you noticed that after someone gets their much-sought-after “Item A,” whatever it happens to be, he or she is back, a few hours, days, or weeks later wanting something else? “Item B” is now the new shiny, the wonderful toy just out of one’s grasp, and one must have it, whereas Item A is now suddenly old hat, in fact, a bit boring. It felt so good to finally get it but now, for some strange reason, “A” no longer satisfies. If you think about your life, you can probably remember times in the past when you told yourself the same thing: “If I could only have this amazing object, person, career, trip to Tibet that I crave, I’d never desire anything else.” But did that really happen? Are you still truly satisfied and happy right now, in the present, simply because you got something you really desired ten years ago? Are you completely content, without a single new desire popping up or competing for your attention? Do you even find that once-amazing “Item A” interesting anymore?
It’s good to remember that desires are infinite and ever-changing: we’ll always have them for one thing or another and they will always seem necessary or even urgent. But when you realize that your current desperately unfulfilled desire is just going to be replaced by something else when it is filled, your craving for the next new thing starts to relax. There’s really no need for rushing or desperation about this, because you’re going to feel this way for the rest of your life: for thing, after thing, after thing, always replacing the current shining objective with something else. So why place such extreme importance on your latest “I must have this?” As soon as you’ve plucked this latest wonderful thing off time’s ever-moving conveyor belt, there will be something else delicious rolling along right toward you. If you think about strong desire in this fashion, as perpetual and cyclic, as an ever-recurring part of being alive and experiencing time, you can see the faulty logic in thinking, “If I only had A, I would be sublimely happy and never want for more.”
“I was amazed the first time I gave in, really gave in, to my husband during an argument I wanted so bad to win. At first I was crying bitterly, but as I cried I started to feel relief: the tears were washing away my bitterness, my need to win every argument, my need to control the relationship, even control the direction of my own submission. Suddenly I was able to let go of that tremendous burden of feeling like I had to run things—and I felt lighter than air.” —Lauren
The fact that desires are infinite has an important corollary: most of us enjoy, really enjoy, the tension of wanting something. For many, it’s what gives zest to life. We also deeply enjoy the few moments after we achieve what we want: the instant where the tension of needing this thing is released and the short period of relative bliss that follows. But, in general, we don’t enjoy simply having the thing nearly as much—at least not without the added frisson of stress or fear over losing it. Few possessed things require such additional tension, however, and so most people start, sooner or later, to take the good things that they have acquired in their lives for granted. We do this because most of us, to put it bluntly, are tension junkies: we secretly enjoy that hard, tightly wound-up ball of “constant craving,” of deeply wanting something that seems difficult or nearly impossible to get. We also greatly enjoy, even to the point of addiction, the instant high when the tension of neediness is finally released and we achieve what we’ve craved for so long. Although sometimes there is a letdown or disappointment that follows a great achievement, typically, the longer and harder we want something, the more delicious that instant of release. When observing yourself closely during these cycles, the tension-release cycle of desire can feel a lot like being a hamster in a cage, perpetually running on a wheel that goes nowhere. You desire something, you either get it or you don’t, but either way you soon desire something new. It’s an endless (and imprisoning) loop.
What stops most people from observing this is that they have become addicted. They crave desire’s tension and release intensely—although they often think they are craving a particular object rather than an emotional windup and release. From this idle, needling craving comes a great deal of the stressful emotional drama that adults create in their lives. Inside many adult bodies that are speaking so rationally and acting so politely is someone screaming and raging, like a purple-faced toddler rolling about on the floor because mommy or daddy wouldn’t buy her the candy she craved in the grocery store. Like that toddler, many such people will not stop creating scenes until they get what they want. Men’s “scenes” tend to be fairly straightforward: even if their desires are irrational, it is clear what they want. But a woman often cloaks her frustration and rage at not getting what she wants with a subtle, carefully constructed (albeit false) rationale accompanied by an initially acceptable and pleasing demeanor that is based on what she knows about the person she is trying to get something from—and what she thinks she can easily slip by him.
So, what exactly do we do with this bit of human psychology about desires, tension, and release? There are actually a lot of things we can do. For instance, those trying to become aware of their addiction to the tension/release emotional cycle will often ask themselves things like: “Do I really need this thing? Is it absolutely necessary?” While I don’t think desire can be completely scrubbed from the life of most people, many can, if they want to, learn over time to step back from the latest thing that they desire and carefully examine the consequences of getting it or of continuing to crave it. Will achieving this object or goal be useful to me or actively harm me? What about those I love? Does it further hinder any other important life goals? Does it this desire clash with or contradict other, equally strong desires that I have? And if there are clashes, which desire should get the priority?
“I love seeing how content my acceptance makes Him. Sure, it feels great personally to surrender to Him and accept anything from Him. I’m female, after all. But better even than that is watching his satisfaction in what he has molded me into.” —Amy
The ability to examine desires analytically rather than just blindly and intensely seeking to satisfy them is especially important to women whose control over their lives and particularly over which desires they can fulfill is, by the nature of their special relationships, more or less curtailed. The very fact that you not only can have some control over what you feel you want but can consciously reject a desire when it is important to do so, can be very exhilarating. It offers one a much clearer path through life. No longer does living have to be thrown off-kilter or progress halted due to random but exceedingly intense cravings that take over everything. For example, when it comes to a high-cost desire, you may very well find that, whether the currency is money, effort, or emotions, you can get that rush in so many other gratifying but less costly ways: eating an ice-cream cone instead of buying an expensive dinner out, purchasing a new book or a lipstick instead of begging your master for that $500 dress, renting a good movie instead of annoying someone who’s trying to work simply because you are bored, having a relaxing soak in the tub with candles and wine if you are stressed, and so on. There are so many other things in life to try, to explore, or make time for that are fascinating, fun, gratifying, that give you a rush of accomplishment and attainment, and are far less costly in material or emotional terms than a “big ticket” item. The trick is to imagine things you want but tend to put aside because they’re small and easily obtainable and then to gratify yourself with one of them. By satisfying the underlying desire to feel the tension of needing and then its release, we can get our “rush” of fulfillment from something far less costly—and be content for a while.
When in the grip of a strong desire, it can be hard to imagine how to lessen its hold. You want it and nothing else will do. One way to do this is to take a step back and look at all that is good around you, all that you have. Think of how amazingly lucky you are: you have health, food, shelter, possibly love, friendships, a job, intelligence, the leisure time to read an article like this one, and the relatively expensive electronic device needed to access it. The majority of people living in this world lack most of these things, but we, through an accident of birth and circumstance, have lucked out.
Now take another step back and see how your craving for tension and its relief sometimes hurts others around you. Is there any justification for causing someone else pain simply because you want something and you will not rest until you get it? Do you really need to be this selfish, is the thing at stake worth causing others misery? A common case in which this situation crops up, as we saw with Emily, is when a female creates a lot of unnecessary drama around the people she is close to, like inventing problems out of whole cloth so that the man she is supposedly serving will “solve them” for her (and thus, a part of her thinks, serve her). Creating drama is a rather dysfunctional exercise of desire’s tension/relief cycle because “desires” created with the ulterior motive (however hidden that motive may be from its creator) to stir up trouble are not natural or, in most cases, genuine.
“I used to tell myself all the time how great I was at accepting, how “surrendered” I was. I was so proud of being the super-submissive that all the other girls in my circle looked up to. But deep inside I felt like a hypocrite because at home, with my master, I wasn’t so perfect after all.” —Jasmine
Women who engage in regular drama with men they are close to sometimes do so because they are unable to move past the deeply romantic “honeymoon phase” of the relationship, when it eventually nears an end. Some females grow addicted to all the special attention the men in their lives gave them during this time of “court and spark.” When things settle down (as they should, so that the relationship can grow in new and, quite often, much better directions) such women, instead of waiting for this mature and much deeper stage to ripen, are unsettled, unhappy, longing for the excitement and thrills of the earlier romantic courtship phase. They wistfully desire to be new, mysterious, and unknown all over again, so that their every thought and word, however trivial, will be given special consideration. This sort of female, frustrated by no longer being the absolute center of her man’s attention, can invent violent emotional storms in an attempt to take center stage again. These inventions take many forms. They are seldom direct attacks. Often they take the form of very subtle and seemingly self-denigrating manipulations—but they are still attacks on the man’s authority and ploys to get more attention paid to her. She may, for instance, angrily accuse a boyfriend of seeing other girls or liking other women more than herself, even when there’s absolutely no truth to that accusation. For her (and for him, if he’s not watchful) her intense emotion over this non-issue “makes” it true. Or she might accuse her husband of not loving her enough or caring about the things that are important to her. She may claim that with his demands for service, her master is holding her back from fulfillment, achievement, and personal growth. She may intentionally misunderstand what a man says, spinning it as a sly, ugly attack that he never intended, so that she can play the poor abused victim. She may insinuate that her man is bored with her or claim that he severely underestimates her intelligence, loyalty, or obedience. And, of course, there is the ever-present unspoken accusation, even if she seldom speaks of it directly, that he just doesn’t try hard enough to understand her.
The tension caused by a woman’s negative, dishonest indirect, and highly dramatic attacks on a man she is in a relationship with and the relief she (if not him) feels when he capitulates to her whims, accepts her accusations, and gives her what she wants, substitutes for what she sees as a severe loss of the attention and vanity-stroking that she once basked in during the springtime of the relationship. Acting out this perpetual tension-relief cycle only feeds her addiction for more of it. She may become calm and mollified for a while, especially if the man has worked hard to “bring her back.” All is quiet until she starts to feel a lack: he isn’t flattering her enough, listening as closely to everything she says, not following her “advice,” nor communicating with her as frequently as she wants. She broods over this, slowly, getting increasingly worked up as she does so. She conveniently fantasizes that something is terribly wrong—with him—and that it is up to her to bring him back (in line). And then, not too long after that, the next new thing to get extremely upset over pops into her mind. And so the drama wheel turns.
“I don’t know, really. I like to give in and just accept everything my man tells me to be, but sometimes I feel a little wrong about it. Sometimes I worry that if I don’t assert myself, I’ll never be able to survive on my own. But he’s slowly teaching me that accepting his will is not the same as mindlessness or stupidity.” —Melissa
And here’s where another type of faulty thinking comes in. In many cases, a female’s addiction to drama is brought about by her desiring too much from a dominant man, by her wanting much more than “just” a life of loving, devoted service. She wants it all, which often means a dominant man whom she can secretly control. She succumbs to greed, in other words. And what is greed? Desire on steroids, yes. Also a violent hot fire, often accompanied by the choking smoke of envy, which destroys everything in its path. Do wonderful, giving females who simply want to serve, really do this? Absolutely, some do, but not all of us. Some of us choose to struggle directly with our internal demons rather than dramatically project them upon others—and are actually winning the battles, one slow step at a time.
Acceptance is not just an idealized trait that a woman can imagine that she already has simply because she wants it to be so. It requires considerable awareness and patience to genuinely accept whatever your man gives you and not want more.
How do some women work on subduing their desire to cause drama? One really effective way to do this is by practicing acceptance. Acceptance involves, first and foremost, understanding that all females, including her and maybe especially her, are prone to this selfish, dramatic behavior. While it’s a relief to know you aren’t the only one with tendencies to act this way, it’s also rather humiliating to face the fact that you’re only female, with all of the weaknesses of our sex, not some special, superhuman angel immune to all of these tawdry games. A woman who embraces service may hide her propensity for drama from herself better than a woman who is completely unashamed of the way she uses and manipulates men. This can make the disease harder to root out, because we may start out blind to the fact that we feel and act this way: these ugly emotions are just not part of who we believe ourselves to be at heart. However hard it is for a female to admit, it’s only when she can see clearly how she feeds her addiction to the tension-relief cycle by causing others pain, stress, or sorrow that she has a chance of changing this ugly behavior. Once she is aware of that pattern, a woman can begin to learn both to tone down her greed for attention and to direct her need for tension and relief toward an objective that is positive—or at least relatively harmless.
Some women also need to realize that their tendency to make emotional mountains out of molehills causes their men to be constantly put out, unsettled, unhappy, never able to rest or relax. The sad result of constant drama cycles is that instead of a nutritious and bountiful harvest that nourishes both parties of a growing, maturing relationship, there will be nothing left after the fleeting blooms of Spring’s romance fade and fall from the trees. What little emotional fruit tries to grow during the long, hot summer of the maturing relationship will not be able to do so in the drama-heavy but strangely barren environment those females who are unconsciously addicted to attention tend to foster.
Acceptance is not just an idealized trait that a woman can imagine that she already has simply because she wants it to be so. It requires considerable awareness and patience to genuinely accept whatever your man gives you and not want more. In other words, acceptance is developed by slow, hard practice, not simply by telling yourself that because you now understand this concept suddenly everything will magically be different. It almost never is different if, despite the so-called amazing insights, one still does the same old stuff as before, so it’s important for a humbled female to stop repeating to herself that type of lie. There are no intellectual magic wands involved in this process. Understanding is almost always barren and ineffectual without hard experience, without actually going through what one claims from a safe, cozy distance to intellectually understand.
Acceptance is a difficult skill to master, but absolutely essential to a humbled female’s future happiness as a servant to another. Acceptance takes time, effort, and understanding to develop. It doesn’t happen overnight or even over a few months. But it is absolutely crucial that women who serve learn how to accept and be happy with everything they have been given, rather than constantly dissatisfied and whining for something more. The more restricted and controlled a woman’s life, the more she will need to learn, for her own happiness as well as for the continuation of the relationship, to simply accept.
Once a woman truly understands that desire is infinite and never ends—that it never becomes satiated more than a few moments, hours, or days, no matter how often it is fed—she can start to relax around it, start to see that her desires are not as serious and as pressing as she once imagined them to be. She realizes that she’s not going to die or suffer deeply if she doesn’t get exactly what she wants this instant—or even next week. She also cannot, particularly if she’s become aware of her tendency to cause drama, latch onto one single act of her man and imagine it, and only it, demonstrates devotion or care on his part (and a lack of it means he despises her). She may even come to the highly pleasing realization that she is the one who should be expressing devotion and care toward him, rather than demanding he give more and more demonstrations of homage and express ever more need for her.
Acceptance of servitude starts with acceptance of yourself. Nobody is perfect and certainly nobody is perfect at service. None of us are born to this way of living. Instead, most of us have to unlearn a lot of bad, old habits, such as obstinacy or a desire to manipulate others or even feeling “hurt” by the lack of attention we seem to be receiving from someone. As you live in a real-life situation where you are serving a man, you start to see how complex service really is. Superficially, it all seems so simple: he orders me and I obey. But each order comes within a context. Many orders you won’t mind obeying at all; others will be quite difficult or may seem overwhelming. Working through these difficulties means finding ways to surmount your baser instincts to rebel, resist, or make excuses for yourself and doing what you must without expecting or demanding any rewards in return. This is what genuine servitude is all about—and there are always new challenges. In fact, they never end. That is actually a good thing. Challenges both sustain and strengthen a servant. They “stretch” her by inspiring her to change in positive ways. A woman who becomes good at acceptance doesn’t beat herself over the head with every little failure. She understands that failure is natural and human. Instead, she tries to learn new things from each incident: What wrong ideas did I have that caused this to be so unpleasant? Why did I feel the need to be sarcastic or angry at him? Was doing what he wanted really worth all the fuss and drama that preceded it? How am I going to avoid this reaction in the future?
Losing to her male, conceding ground, admitting she is wrong and he is right: all of this feels so basic and so very right. It’s no wonder that she responds physically and in a most natural way: it’s very hot to be under a man’s dominance.
Do you know what I mean when I say that while no man is perfect (just as no woman is), the man you are serving may be perfect for you? The average woman, who considers herself equal to her male partner (if not much more), is often acutely aware of his defects. Let’s face it, women notice details, sometimes positive details but often negative ones, and the average female who is dissatisfied with her role in life but doesn’t understand why will often blame the man she is close to for this dissatisfaction: if only he would take out the trash more, not leave his shoes lying about, take her out to a club or movie, or listen to her more carefully, she’d be so happy. Those of us who serve men will also notice that they are not perfect in everything that they do, but instead of blaming our dissatisfaction on them or on their habits, we adjust ourselves instead: we train ourselves not to mind these things so much, we “stop sweating the small stuff.” We often feel so happy and privileged, even, to be serving our men. We know that these little things really don’t matter, because the biggest need in our lives is being met by their control. Getting that deep need met is so soothing and calming that it makes the little imperfections that we notice pretty trivial in comparison.
“Acceptance feels to me like a cool breeze on a hot day in the desert! The desert is my controlling heart and the breeze of acceptance is the only thing that keeps everything within it from withering up and dying.”—Taylor
A wonderful part of acceptance of one’s servitude toward a man is in finding that you’ve become more forgiving of yourself and also of others close to you, particularly him. There are far more important things in your life to think about now than to speculate crazily about whether he’s out to get you. You now have a place, an identity that feels so good and so very solid that you no longer need the dysfunctional games that weaker personalities play to make themselves feel better. You are better, healthier, happier, and that expresses itself by a natural lowering of aggression and drama around others. Happy people are far too busy and involved in improving their and others’ happiness to develop the obsessions and engage in the drama that the perpetually miserable seem to love.
For those who yearn for a male-led relationship and feel that this is the only right way to live, acceptance can be incredibly erotic. Have you ever noticed that after you’ve conceded a major point to your man—apologized to him, accepted harsh discipline, felt humiliated or just been amazed by his wisdom—that you start feeling wet between your legs? Have you noticed that happening after a bitter verbal battle—which you lost? It’s a common reaction for women like us and at first it can seem a little confusing. A woman to whom this happens may wonder if she is eroticizing self-hatred or failure. But after a while she starts to realize she doesn’t get aroused if this sort of thing happens around other people. It’s only triggered by a certain person: the man who controls her. Losing to her male, conceding ground, admitting she is wrong and he is right: all of this feels so basic and so very right. It’s no wonder that she responds physically and in a most natural way: it’s very hot to be under a man’s dominance. Her sexual response has nothing to do with thinking she’s a nobody or stupid or evil; it has everything to do with realizing, once again, why it is she follows this glorious man. He is stronger than her, smarter than her in many ways, and far more aggressive and dominant than her. And that is so wonderfully erotic.
It is several years later and Emily feels great anticipation inside herself as she drives home from a shopping trip. She’s gotten everything she wanted. Although she doesn’t think of it in these terms, she has been training her master non-stop, and he now backs down immediately when she indicates the least bit displeasure or unhappiness over an order or even a request. Emily’s emotions run this relationship quite competently. She now lives with her master, he’s stopped seeing or even contacting other females for service (something he told her at the beginning was a part of his nature and that he’d always do), and a marriage date is set. He’s become cowed, fearful of making her upset, and so eager to please. And yet, getting what she worked so hard for is all strangely dissatisfying. Lost in her vanity and self-interest, Emily decides her master must be to blame for her current feelings of restlessness and being let down and she has come up with a delicious way to get him to regret his non-dominant ways that she once worked so hard to foster in him. She’s going to reveal to him that she’s been seeing another dominant man to get her needs to serve met, the needs that he so callously ignores. (This isn’t exactly true, but she’ll find someone quickly online if she has to prove it to him.) She’ll point out to him what a pussy he’s been, how he lets her walk all over him, and how his weakness disappoints and confuses her. She knows that when he repents and decides to take over the reins of control again in order to give her what she wants she’ll rebel even more crazily and violently than before until he is back in his place. Emily is thinking: “He’s hurt me so bad by being such a wimp of a man!” Although she won’t admit it to herself, she is feeling: “Oh god, what a fun way to ‘get him’ this is going to be!”
Emily drives into their garage and unlocks the door to the house. She calls, “Master? Master! Where are you?” She’s annoyed that he’s not responding: the game-playing jerk is ignoring her! She wanders from room to room. Finally she enters his “man cave” (the one room in their shared abode she doesn’t impose her personal tastes in décor on) and sees her master, lying crumpled on the carpet, his face blue, his chest still. Emily suddenly realizes, as her world starts to plummet around her, that the time for drama games is long gone. It’s the beginning of Emily’s rude awakening, of realizing how differently (and how much better) she could have treated him, how deeply she’s going to miss him, how hard it will be to live without his calm, positive soul always supporting her when she was scared or discouraged, how absolutely horribly she’s betrayed this good, honorable man, and, especially, how she’ll never be able to express to him how much she loved him and depended on him. A door in Emily’s life has slammed shut and she’ll live with her regret until the end of her days.
It may not seem like this to you right now, but in truth, time is incredibly short. There comes a time for everyone when years will seem to have passed by in an instant. It is the hope of this article that those of you reading this are already happy and accepting in submission to your men, or, if not, are able to find your way to a better, more fulfilling way of living before you experience, as poor Emily did, that it is far too late.
June 6, 2014
The Seven Steps
By Nina E.
Who This Is For
You sincerely wanted to be possessed by a man, not just by any man but by a strong, dominant man you could admire, respect, and even worship. So you ratcheted up your courage and approached such a man when he became visible to you, understanding that if you didn’t, you might never meet him—or anyone as good as him—as he’s likely not the type who chases women down. And, to your joy and gratification, he responded to you, he took your desire to get to know him and possibly serve him seriously. Now, while not “his” yet, you are beginning an exploration with him, or, as he puts it, you are “under his observation.”
So what happens next? You’ve won the prize, right? You’ve been accepted by the man of your dreams, you’ve done one of the hardest things in your life by approaching him first, and now all should be smooth sailing from here on end, particularly as he begins to realize, in turn, how much of a prize you are and how he wants and needs you. Well, maybe. In the heady rush of the start of a new relationship, many a submissive woman forgets that the hardest part is not over. She makes the fatal mistake of seeing this new relationship, perhaps with the first strong, dominant man she has ever encountered, as just like any other relationship: he’ll shortly fall in love with her beauty and purity or, at very least, become entranced with her feminine charms, while she just sits back and enjoys the romance, letting him drive.
What many a woman with submissive ideals who has become used to wrapping men around her little finger forgets is that a genuinely dominant man will expect a lot more from her than any other male she’s encountered. She hasn’t won anything at this early point in the relationship. In fact, she’s just begun a long and arduous climb up a hill of his making, a hill designed to test her mettle and determine whether she has what it takes to serve him truly and well.
This article talks a bit about the nature of climbing the hill of a strong man’s approval. It reviews the typical steps one must surmount in this climb, and also what might ultimately await both the truly devoted woman and the one who just imagines, out of vanity, that she is devoted, at each step up the path. Dominant men who are looking for information on how to judge the characters of submissive women might also find this article of use.
Who This is Not For
Every relationship is different, and some of us never encounter or even want to encounter a strict taskmaster, someone who we know will enforce our obedience. Some women want a softer, gentler, more loving man: someone who dotes upon her, builds her up, and praises her rather than one who demands a great deal, expects near-perfect obedience, and uses her primarily for his own benefit and pleasure. Many a submissive woman desires a daddy or at least a kindly “facilitator” to selflessly help her actualize herself far beyond what she could accomplish on her own: someone who will see her as far more than “merely” his female servant. If this describes you, that is fine, you should seek what it is you need, but this particular article probably isn’t for you, as the sort of man I will be describing in it is not the man you’re looking for.
But if you do have a craving to be completely controlled, owned like property, and used in whatever way a man might want to use you, you’re going to find that convincing such man that you have both a lasting desire for this extreme level of servitude and the ability to handle it is going to take some doing. To be quite frank, such a man has seen every type of female phony, every sort of cop-out and game, every possible demonstration of laziness, resentfulness, deceit, and pure feminine malevolence that exists, and he’s going to be quite hard to convince that you are not also of the same low quality of woman he has encountered in the past.
She should also consider that, unlike other relationships she may have had, she is the one who is going to be required to jump through hoops and “bow before awesomeness,” not him.
Paradoxically, men like this tend to be deeply attractive to the type of woman they abhor: an overly romantic, self-indulgent and utterly vain female who likes a “dark and mysterious” type because of how cool being with him makes her look. This sort of woman, however, instead of having a sincere desire to find out what such a man is really like, what he thinks and dreams, what he’s going to want from her, and whether she can serve him loyally and well, uses him as a prop in her “All About Me” drama. In her eyes, he’s just there to make her look and feel good. She projects her often self-serving and vain fantasies about her ideal romantic man onto a very inappropriate target and then becomes enraged or resentful when he doesn’t slot neatly into her leading man role; when he doesn’t fall madly in love with her in the time frame she thinks appropriate; when he doesn’t seem to care over much about her goals, passions, obsessions, or desires beyond where they enhance serving him; when he doesn’t do the typical guy things such as bringing her presents, initiating contact with her, liking her more than she likes him, ad nauseam
. To garner the attention of such a man many a stubborn woman (despite being insulted by having to do this) pretends to be something very different from what she actually is: she pretends to prostrate herself at his doorstep and to be sincerely seeking to make him the center of her life. But he has ways of discovering such deceptions and, while I will talk about these methods later, the primary reason for doing so is to reassure those of you who are sincere that this slow, careful, methodical evaluation of you is not personal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. It just means he has to be careful because he’s been burned so many times before. So let’s look at what’s involved in climbing the stairway of such a man’s approval.
Imagine yourself at the foot of a tall hill. Look around you. Is this a strong sturdy hill perhaps with a granite core that will not cave in or give way as you climb it? Or is it a weak, sandy knob, that gives and slips immediately as your footsteps imprint themselves upon it, causing you to slide back down to the bottom? When speaking of this hill, I’m talking metaphorically about the man a woman chooses to serve. Many a woman who thinks she wants to serve deeply or even be a slave makes the fatal mistake of insisting that the man she serves be controllable by her in various ways. Rather than leaving herself completely open to a strong man, she’ll insist that he be of a certain age or (this is a biggie) that he be monogamous, devoted only to her and not free to see other women or take other slaves as he pleases. She may insist that he be of the same religious persuasion or political party as she is or that he not engage in activities she disapproves of or that he have a good job or be of a certain social class or have other superficial characteristics not directly related to his ability to dominate a female. She may insist he honor her list of “limitations:” things she absolutely will not do. Such a woman almost always ends up choosing a man weaker than herself (weaker because he is willing to capitulate to her demands) and then becomes deeply dissatisfied with her “sandy hill” male later on when she realizes she can pretty much walk all over him and shape him—with tears, tantrums, and temptations—to be whatever she desires. Think a moment, before you start climbing the hill of service to a man: is this really a man you can respect for the rest of your life? Is he really capable of resisting any attempts by you to control or manipulate him? If you assess this wrongly and you really need to serve, you may find yourself very frustrated later in life when you discover you’re the one running this show, and that you’re pulling his strings like a puppet.
Assuming your chosen hill is hard and rugged, imagine now a steep stairway carved into its side. You very much want to ascend this stair because the higher you go, the more intimate you become with him through getting to see and know who he really is. But at the moment, this goal (and he, himself) may seem a bit remote and distant as your raise your foot to climb the first step.
Due to numerous encounters with duplicitous women, a strong and dominant man will typically be looking at the latest female to bow before him rather cynically and critically, no matter what her actual qualities might be. No matter how polite and interested he seems in her, he is going to be secretly wondering what sort of flake has arrived at his doorstep, what she is lying about or carefully hiding from his view, what illusions about herself she’ll be trying to spin, and how she will try to turn the power tables on him. He’ll wonder all of this because that is what he is used to seeing from woman after woman after woman in his life. A devoted female servant’s first step up that steep hill of a strong male’s acceptance is to be mature enough recognize that initially he may be a little suspicious and to be gracious enough not to resent that fact. It’s important to realize that his careful scrutiny is not a reflection on your potential, necessarily, but rather an indication of the sort of woman he’s typically had to deal with during the time he’s spent searching for servants. Very rarely does such a man find a female who sincerely wants what she claims to want: to serve him above and beyond all other goals. Normally, the women he meets mouth these admirable sentiments but actually have any number of ulterior agendas in mind.
Should a woman become outraged that such a man doesn’t instantly see what a wonderful, glowing treasure she is, it typically means one of two things. One, perhaps her ego doesn’t have the right sort of hiking shoes on to be attempting this level of climb. This is the lesser of the two evils because it is something that might be fixed with time, education, and dedication to change on her part. Or two, perhaps she is exactly the sort of unreliable and possibly deranged individual that this sort of man runs into so often but tries his best to avoid. A lot of people drawn to extreme servitude are so attracted because they are incompetent or even crackpots and they’ve latched onto the idea that living in this seemingly harsh, romantic way is an escape from all the personal-life messes they’ve created over the years. Anything that seems extreme or exotic always seems to attract the mentally imbalanced, and dominant-submissive relationships are not exempt from this general rule of life. If you are for real, a man’s taking it slow is nothing to be outraged over. It’s a sign of his caution and good sense. It’s a strange and sad reflection on these “females are perfect” times that so many women are insulted when a man like this doesn’t welcome them fully into his life after a brief but passionate courtship stage in which he bows humbly before their awesomeness, but instead insists upon a careful, lengthy evaluation of their personality traits. Such women are still thinking in tedious vanilla courtship/chivalry/soul-mate terms about a relationship that is very different from that traditional model and likely from anything they’ve ever encountered before. If a female tries to cram this sort of exotic, focused-on-servitude relationship into a safe, comfortable conventional-relationship box, she’s not going to like the results. She’ll succeed at doing so only if the male is a teddy bear in wolf’s clothing (a man secretly seeking a conventional relationship with an exotic, cool surface appearance). And then it is likely she will become, after a few years, one of those bitter, screeching harridans who angrily insist on BDSM boards that a master-slave relationship is just like any other relationship and anyone who says otherwise is elitist scum! In her case, sadly, she’ll be absolutely right (at least about the “like any other relationship” part) because she and her male counterpart have copped out. Neither one really wanted anything as extreme as absolute servitude and obedience. But the sort of man I am speaking of does want this level of extremity and will politely, quickly, and firmly show such a female to the door if she starts trying to spin the relationship in the safe, warm, flattering, fuzzy-wuzzy terms and practices she is most comfortable with.
A feminine manipulator is in for a great disappointment with the type of man I am describing. He listens to her words, he nods, he agrees, he even praises her for the prettier ones, but when it comes down to determining what she actually is, he looks primarily at her actions to see how they accord with the pretty words.
Thus, in preparing to meet such a man, a sincere woman who’s fairly certain she wants to live as a complete servant to a man, should think carefully about this statement: “Enough time” to evaluate me is when he says it is enough, whether that means one week, one month, a year, or even several years. She should also consider that, unlike other relationships she may have had, she
is the one who is going to be required to jump through hoops and “bow before awesomeness,” not him.
Unless the man is inexperienced or immature, it’s quite likely a woman may not even realize that such a hardcore and realistic evaluation of her nature is going on. He won’t be whining about all the terrible women there are out there, he won’t be insulting her, nor behaving as if he thinks she’s just another tiresome waste of time like all the rest. In fact, talking to a self-mastered man who is capable of mastering others, is, for most women, quite fun and gratifying. She will likely have no idea of how very carefully she is being assessed during his polite phone chats or email exchanges. The experience will be pleasant, smooth, easy sailing in these early stages and even if he’s already 90% convinced she’s not going to work out, he’ll hold out a while to make certain about the other 10%. He’ll be very easy to talk to, and he’ll casually and most subtly play out more than enough psychological rope for the female to hang herself with, if she’s not the sort of woman she claims to be. The second step on the hill of gaining a highly discriminating man’s acceptance involves keeping in mind that you are being closely watched on an ongoing basis, even if it doesn’t feel as though you are—and not getting too uptight about it. Relax. If a woman actually is what she claims to be and really wants what she says she wants, she need only be herself and all will be well. If, on the other hand, she is pretending to be something or someone she is not, well, she’ll likely enjoy herself during the first early weeks, but it won’t go much farther than that.
Some women imagine that, with their clever tongues and their ways with words, they can convince any man that they are whatever they want him to think that they are. Some women, perhaps more than you might believe, are absolutely convinced they are smarter, more emotionally astute, and savvier than any man they might encounter. A feminine manipulator is in for a great disappointment with the type of man I am describing. He listens to her words, he nods, he agrees, he even praises her for the prettier ones, but when it comes down to determining what she actually is, he looks primarily at her actions to see how they accord with the pretty words. He gives little credence to her descriptions of who she is and what she can do. Instead, he will expect her to put her money where her mouth is and prove that she can be who she claims to be, not once, not twice, but many, many times. This isn’t the sort of proof that she will be able to invent and present to him on a silver-tongued platter, by the way. He’ll devise the tests of her true nature, and, in most cases, they will be so quiet and unobtrusive that she will not even realize she’s being tested. A person who has been lied to over and over again learns how to find out what he needs to know without relying solely on another’s words. Those females who are sincere, those who understand the value of obedience and crave to serve this wonderful man they’ve just met, will likely pass such subtle tests with flying colors. A few women might realize their behavior is being observed and evaluated against their words but one would hope that, having had to perform similar tests to determine the mettle of the men they have encountered in their lives, they would be encouraged rather than insulted by such a serious inquiry into who they are and what they are capable of.
Steps Three and Four
This can be a tricky phase in the budding relationship with a dominant man. Steps Three and Four come at about the same time. The third step is to not think you’re smarter than the man you are trying to impress or convince. So very many women make this mistake. Even sincere women who genuinely want to serve can be guilty of assuming mental superiority because they are so used to running into men who haven’t a clue about women or how to handle them. But a female should know (or at least be able to entertain the idea) that an experienced, successful dominant man is a beast of a very different color. If he’s an ordinary man, she might succeed at running rings around him like she has so many other men in the past. But if he’s an experienced and smart man, familiar with the means of human control and the conduits of power, and if he is looking for a genuine servant whom he can control fully, a woman attempting to outthink him will just wind up looking foolish if she makes the assumption that she can do so. If she is too proud of her own intellect to accept that a man worthy of owning her will be able to mentally outgun her, then she won’t know what hit her when her deceptive plans fall to pieces. Her ego won’t be able to admit the truth, despite the evidence of her senses, that she’s been totally outmaneuvered in this particular chess game.
A lot of women do this: they part ways with a man who has clearly seen what they are and told them the game is up, all the while refusing to admit to themselves that he’s seen right through them because, you know, no man is capable of seeing through them so clearly! Sometimes a woman like this will even come back to him and try her same old “believe what I say, not what I do” game all over again. He just might play along—perhaps because she’s useful in the moment or her dishonest antics amuse him—and she will never fully realize with what contempt he actually holds her in or how he is using her for entirely temporary pleasures. Such a woman may eventually begin to wonder why, however, she never seems to get anywhere with him.
The fourth step to avoid stumbling over at this phase in the climb is being vain enough to think that you’re too good to be extensively tested or evaluated for genuineness. In a sense, this is a replay of Step One: not considering yourself above initial evaluation simply because you know just how good you are. But at this stage, it’s the ongoing evaluation that’s likely to be resented. Remember that he doesn’t know how sincere you are or how obedient you are capable of being. He can’t sniff that “Eau de Wonderful” wafting out of a woman’s persona nor assume she’s just great from whatever she says because most women he’s encountered lie extensively (whether to themselves, to him, or both) about this.
For a woman who really wants to obey and serve a man, his own need for caution and taking things slow will make perfect sense to her: the female’s opinion of her own specialness won’t be so huge that it blinds her to his need to proceed gradually with any unknown human factor in order to determine if she can actually walk the walk. She’ll enthusiastically and willingly demonstrate her loyalty, willingness, subservient nature, and her deep interest in him, and she will automatically do so even if she believes the things demanded of her are almost too trivial or unimportant to bother with. This behavior represents Step 5, which has to do with understanding that every command, great or small, issued to her from his lips is a sacred and responsible trust: one that she must demonstrate that she can keep by performing it in the spirit and to the letter expected of her.
“This is nothing,” some foolish females think when faced with their first easy challenges or a very minor demand. “I don’t have to do this! I’ll prove my true value to him when he gives me something more worthwhile or interesting to do, something more on my level.” Believe it or not, many women new to submission do not realize that this attitude represents rank disobedience toward the man they claim to respect so deeply and is a good predictor of habitual lackluster “service” or even resistance should they ever be required to do larger things. They don’t grasp that the way a female proves herself worthy of great things is in how she performs the little, seemingly insignificant things. Having resentment for being tested at all (“He should just trust me! Can’t he see I’m sincere?”) or being insulted by the smallness of the test are both mistakes that an inexperienced and unaccommodating female with too large of a self-opinion typically makes. In contrast, a woman highly eager to serve will be content with cleaning the toilet or taking out the trash, if that’s all he’s assigned to her, as she understands that the fact that she’s being allowed to serve in the first place is what is important, not what specific service she happens to perform. And, while grateful if he pats her on the head and tells her what a good girl she’s been, she will not expect a reward or special treatment for her performance. When you are a servant, it’s your job to serve. Why should you expect constant kudos or special praise simply for doing what you said you’d do?
Normally, the master or otherwise dominant man will start with a relatively easy order. But a woman may come up with a thousand excuses for why she was late in doing it or why she didn’t do it at all. His requests may seem small, but in my observation, these little duties are more often failed or overlooked than any other, because the woman doesn’t take them seriously or doesn’t find them “interesting” enough. Finally, and this is a serious point to keep in mind, refusing to do the small things is one of those behaviors that tell a dominant man, without a question of a doubt, that he’s dealing with a serious level of flakiness in the female who has approached him. She’s not particularly concerned with his desires or welfare and this careless behavior, as mentioned before, is a very good predictor of her future actions and attitudes. It suggests that the woman is far to hung up on herself to think about another’s needs let alone to care that she is wasting her potential master’s time.
Step Five: Variations
“Tis many a slip twixt the cup and the lip,” goes the old saying, and while actually carrying out the order in the first place and within the time specified are two important concerns, there are other ways to obey incompletely or incorrectly. Some women, for instance, automatically assume that it’s up to them to dictate the “how” of their obedience. Let’s say the man she has approached orders, “Send me an email about your history and experience with other dominant men.” If she responds, “Sir, I’m far more comfortable with discussing this in person or over the phone,” she is disobeying his order. She’s indicating that she wants to dictate the terms of her obedience, that she wants to be in charge of how orders are carried out, despite the fact that he’s already indicated clearly to her his preferences in this area. This may well fly with a very lenient, laissez-faire “dom,” but it won’t be acceptable to the type of man I am talking about.
Another common error is to obey incompletely or in an entirely different manner than instructed. The male in charge may order his female to exercise, for instance, for 30 minutes a day, five days a week, and when asked how she did that week, she says, “Oh, I only got in four sessions, but that’s because I was super busy at work.” He may follow this up with “Well, why didn’t you mention that to me earlier in the week, when you got busy?” With a man who is serious about his dominance this question implies that, when under strict orders, unless it is a dire emergency, a good servant asks first before making course corrections or taking matters into her own hands, no matter how “necessary” those corrections may seem to her at the time. Assuming that she had the right to change his orders at her whim and without even discussing it with him first does not suggest she understands much about serving.
Another aspect of obedience that many men well worth serving pay close attention to is how well the female listens to the orders being given. It’s an unfortunate (and often hotly denied) fact of life that many women, even those with the best of intentions, have the attention spans of fleas. Such women have trouble concentrating on and really listening to a man’s words, and when they only half-listen, their imaginations later fill in the blanks with what they imagine he wanted, not what he actually told them to do. Usually this occurs because the woman is too busy thinking about herself, her own concerns or ideas, and allots only a small part of her attention span to what the man is actually saying. As a result, problems usually arise. She may throw his favorite sweater in the dryer when he told her to let it hang dry—and so it comes out unwearable because it has shrunk. She may neglect to stop by the store on the way home to pick up the cold cuts he wanted for dinner or bring home the wrong meat. Some so-called “submissive females” compound the initial transgression by becoming angry and resentful when such errors are pointed out to them: “They didn’t have smoked turkey at the store and I wasn’t about to go to the next grocery in this traffic so he should be glad he got any meat at all!” a woman new to service may mutter to herself, if not directly to his face. Or perhaps, if she isn’t living with him yet, she stops writing him the daily emails she is supposed to write every day without fail. And once it’s forgotten one time, it becomes much easier to let it slide the next time. After all, he hasn’t made any fuss about it, so he probably doesn’t notice or care…right? (Don’t bet on it.) Sometimes this forgetfulness has a cause: resentment or laziness, for example, but, even if there’s no cause, it still indicates a person who is neglectful of her man’s desires. She has not made his desires a high enough priority. In a woman with the right attitude, such things can be corrected, but in other females, the corrections only lead to worse misbehavior and resentment. Watching how a woman responds to being corrected will tell an observant man a lot about her core nature.
But how well you straddle the tall sixth step answers an even more important question: are you really in it for the long haul? Do you have what it takes to obey responsibly, dependably, cheerfully, and passionately over time, when things aren’t so “new and shiny” anymore?
While the above forms of disobedience may seem commonsense to avoid, no-brainers for those of us with experience or discipline in other areas, they are indications in a new servant of a lot of often-unconscious willfulness that will need to be brought into check before genuine service to the male can be performed. Reducing such willful tendencies is a job both for the female who desires to serve and the male who wants to be served—it isn’t something the female should (again, willfully) take upon herself entirely without asking him first how to proceed. Most women who say they want to serve, strangely enough, never even reach the stage of discussing refinements to their obedience. They become angered when a man scolds them for the first time or shows his displeasure at their failing to carry out his orders in the right way. They feel he is asking far too much. (Of course, it stings to be chastised firmly, but a woman who really wants to serve understands that this is part of the package. She sucks it up and strives to be better in the future.) This other sort of woman, the one outraged at being corrected, is not cut out to be deeply submissive, let alone a slave. She often doesn’t know this about herself, however and it may take her a long time to get the message, because her ego refuses to sign for it. She may flounce off in a rage, cool down, think about it and then come “crawling back” (in quotes because this is usually just an act that masks a deep, malevolent “I’ll make him fall in love with me and then I’ll show him!” resentment) asking for a second chance (or a third or a fourth) and, if he is a patient man, he may even give her those chances. But he is now definitely on his guard against her because typically her initial behavior is a clear indication that, no matter how many chances she is given in the future, she will never be able to obey him.
Initially, carrying out orders is fun and thrilling for a female who wants to serve. It’s brand new, it’s cool, it feel so good when she succeeds and he praises her, and the assignments are often interesting ones. But how about later? Weeks later, months later? Is she still going to be obeying this intently and enthusiastically? Will she still be going to the gym every day or every other day, reducing her calories, keeping her house at the level of cleanliness he expects, and so on? A newcomer to service will almost always swear passionately that she will do all of this forever. But not all females have the follow-through to obey day after long day, particularly if the services become routine and unvarying. The earlier steps up the hill give a potential master or dominant man a general idea of whether or not she can obey and to what degree she obeys—at least during a single instance of obedience. But how well you straddle the tall sixth step answers an even more important question: are you really in it for the long haul? Do you have what it takes to obey responsibly, dependably, cheerfully, and passionately over time, when things aren’t so “new and shiny” anymore? The way a woman answers this frequently unspoken question with her behavior will tell the man she wishes to serve whether this is a serious vocation for her (something all potential servants swear is true at the beginning) or just a passing fancy, no matter what she claimed earlier. Obeying over the long haul, past the time when she considers it to be a fun game, really separates the dedicated servants from the bored kinky girls just passing their time with something new. There are many ways to perform service-over-time tests, and each man who understands their importance will devise his own. The dominant man who doesn’t perform such tests is taking a big risk, as females often do change over time, particularly as they become more comfortable with him and his ways. Being able to observe such changes in a female before she’s completely enmeshed in his life is very important. It could mean the difference between long-term happiness or misery for both parties.
At the lower elevations of the hill that a female may have to climb in order to be accepted into a man’s service, the general steps of obedience are fairly standard and follow each other logically. But the higher one goes on this hill, the more individualistic the steps get. They start to represent an individual man’s specific desires and goals for his servant. The final general step that most females face at this stage in their climb has to do with their level of dedication and passion. In climbing Step Seven, a woman asks herself, “After all I have experienced, do I still want to go through with this? Do I still want to serve and obey this man’s every desire, perhaps in very difficult ways, for the rest of my life? Is service to a deserving male the most important thing in my life or are there other goals that are equally pressing, other things I want to do or even must do before I die?”
There are many self-described dominant men and even self-titled “masters” out there who are a lot more lenient than the men I am describing. A more easygoing man may want his submissive female to grow and expand herself, achieving her own personal goals alongside serving him. But the sort of man I am speaking about here will absolutely demand that service to him be his female’s first priority. If she cannot put him and his desires above all other things, she won’t make the sort of deeply dedicated servant that he desires. A woman who needs various forms of self-fulfillment more than she needs to serve should seek the former out, perhaps alone, or perhaps with a different sort of man, and not expect that a strict dominant male with very high standards for obedience and service will be her personal growth coach.
The true satisfaction in service comes from the service itself, from the sacrifice it requires and from the love you feel toward the person whose life you are making easier and happier. To some of us, this is a glorious vista to behold and all the reward we could ever want. Other women, if they manage somehow by hook or by crook to reach this elevated height will look around and ask, “Is this all there is? Where’s my reward? Where’s my picnic at the top, my medal, my accolades, my permission to take it easy and enjoy myself from now on? Just what is in it for me?” I don’t think the second sort of woman reaches this rarefied height very often, as it requires tremendous sublimating of her true (selfish) nature to do so, but I have heard about other situations where women struggle hard, reach the top of the hill, are blissfully content for a while, but then later find out that they cannot deal with the consequences of their choice to serve a man completely, no matter what. They change or life confronts them with a challenge their deep love for service cannot accommodate. For example, what if the man that you served intimately in his home no longer wanted to live with you but desired you to keep working for him by generating income at a remote location while he moved a younger, prettier servant into his home? Could you, after so many years in his wonderful company, bear to part ways yet still remain his loyal, steadfast servant, financing his leisurely life with his new domestic slave? Those few for whom service is the true reward could because in that situation they’d still be serving him, still be making him happy, just in a different capacity.
Sometimes a change of heart in a woman comes about due to illness in one of the parties or some other serious life change that requires her to cope with frightening new circumstances. But at other times there is no shocking change. Sometimes a woman just grows restless, dissatisfied with her life. Service no longer seems like the ultimate reward it once was, the best thing to be doing in life, the most fulfilling role possible for a woman. She’s been there, done it, and now she’s bored. Or, to put it another way, she loses touch with the sacred thread and, like poor Icarus, starts to fall back to earth and its beguiling call. Something in her cannot remain dedicated to the course of service and she breaks away because she needs to “fulfill other aspects of herself.” I have seen this happen with several women who formerly lived as slaves. It is tragic to observe. With each person I have seen this happen to, she ended up far less happy than she would have been if she had stayed the course, selflessly serving another with no thought for her own “personal fulfillment.”
A lucky few do stay the course. We live a life of service to a strong man until we die because have tasted the endless pleasures, puzzles, and fascinations that life has to offer and found them all to have a bitter aftertaste, somewhat hollow, and lacking something essential. They didn’t contain the nutrition we needed, a certain flavor or quality was missing. Only intense, self-sacrificing personal service to someone we love gives us that taste of heaven that we so long for. And so we remain, unless ordered otherwise, atop the hill of abject servitude to a man. The view of the glorious, dark heavens around us, I must say, is most exhilarating.
February 11, 2014
By Marc Esadrian
I recently stumbled upon an amusing Glamour.com article offering some advice to women about how to attract a man and get him to approach them. In it, women are advised to smile a lot, radiate positive energy, and avoid hanging out in groups, for, as the article goes on to explain, “men are terrified to approach a big group of girls.” We knew this from the outset of the article, anyway, where it asserted that “men are total wusses when it comes to approaching women.” But the ultimate pearl of wisdom gleaned from the author, shocking in its progressive boldness, came from the advice that women should be “easy to approach, but hard to obtain.” Not that this deviates one iota from what women have been told all along since, well, I or anyone else can remember: such attitudes reflect common mores where it comes to courting. But in a world where equality between the sexes is now rigidly upheld as right and good, such convenient gynocentrism about dating and mating only manages to come across as yet another odd double standard of modern female entitlement, where serenely self-satisfied women remain static and men do the work (and take the risks) in approaching first. It’s an idea many of us have accepted as “natural.”
“But that’s how it has always been,” one young lady caught up in this discussion with me apologetically protests. “Someone has to be the pursuer and if we waited for women all the time, well, I think there’d be a lot less people on the planet.” I can’t say she’s necessarily wrong that men are naturally driven to pursue things in different ways than women, and it’s true that many men seem to enjoy the thrill of the hunt where it comes to sexual pursuits, but is this to say women don’t have strong sex drives of their own? Is it to say they don’t necessarily care about finding relationships as much as men? Only a fool who knew nothing about women would assume so.
It would be safe, however, to assume that women have become accustomed to waiting for men to find them and approach them first. This could be a natural inclination for females during the mating game, something passed along in our genetic lineage over hundreds of thousands of years under the cool, prevailing logic that careless mating for a male doesn’t involve much risk, but careless mating for the female can be genetically disastrous. Thus, the classic hypothesis emerges that where the male is eager, the female is not so sure.
While the phrase “coy” was a term applied to the mating styles of female avians and women long before Darwin, it has widely been attributed to the observations put forth in Darwinian theories of sexual selection. In his book Origin of the Species, Charles Darwin built much of his understanding of animal mating and selection upon the concept of female mate choice. Viable females considered suitors based upon their impressive plumage and finery or accepted mating with the victor in male-male mating combat for access to them. Thus, eager males and coy females were easily imported constructions that we humans anthropomorphized in our own man/woman dichotomy. But with his book The Selfish Gene, evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, inspired by the work of social biologist Robert Trivers, began to describe “coy” as only one of several female mating strategies. Indeed, he saw a stable state in the gene pool between males and females in their mate acquisition strategies: not all resembled the coy female pattern. This carried clear implication to human mating, as well: women don’t only have to be mysteriously reserved, nor are they always. They can exercise the agency of choice in their mating selections by being “fast,” too, or some permutation in between. And so it gradually came to be recognized that a spectrum of behaviors existed in animal mating, and subsequently, ours too.
Women who otherwise want to be seen as equals to men in every way insist on the double-standard of not having to pursue relationships.
Despite new findings and theories in the bio-evolutionary synthesis that challenge old preconceptions, despite the established social equality between male and female in Western society, despite the demonstrable ability of advanced reasoning in decision making that is a strong suit for human beings, the fixed image of the coy female still opportunistically lingers in the arena of modern courtship. Women who otherwise want to be seen as equals to men in every way insist on the double-standard of not having to pursue relationships, but to lay back and choose one among many who approach, to hold out and see which lucky contestant will eventually earn her approval, her attention, and, if they are fortunate enough, “win” her love. The coquettish female isn’t going away, it seems. Indeed, she seems to be growing stronger in number as the invisible skein of fashionable contempt for men is ever more tightly and subtly tangled around the throat of sexual politics in modern culture.
Part of this inclination toward sexual coyness in women is biological, no doubt (again, the female should probably be cautious about the males she engages with), but another part is most assuredly reinforced by cultural memes, too. From the rigidity of the Victorian age to the golden years of American civilization, women have been encouraged to remain in glamorous, seemingly indifferent passivity to male interest. Even in the so-called “post-feminst” age, the tendency for this behavior is strongly supported, as evidenced by commentary like the one described at the beginning of this article. So deep and pervasive is this idea that even women who identify as submissive in their personalities have (perhaps unthinkingly) co-opted it into their search methods for men they desire, which involves taking up a position of passive visibility combined with a large serving of silent hope and little more beyond that.
In The Foundation of Male Dominance, I discussed the somewhat less than impressive tendency of many men to leap forward and virtually beg the women they desired for a scrap of consideration. I pointed out how this is not very dominant at all, in fact, and how it tends to often fall flat for women who do have ambitions to actually respect the men they would serve. Be that as it may, many men are employing these techniques with little to no success, only to feel a growing pang of frustration with the wall of silence and indifference they receive, and any “success” that comes from approaching the woman in this way often won’t lead anywhere good in the end, either, as some men eventually come to realize. But as a woman, you are well aware that there’s always more men with big hearts and hopes (and libidos) who will follow suit. You get a bit overwhelmed with the attention and the process of creating the polite psychic barriers to deal with the fawning trains of would-be suitors. Where it comes to the online world, you may find your inbox too much to keep up with as it overflows with requests and queries, ranging from the lazy one-liner, to the poetic novella-sized inquiry, to a crude and ugly-mouthed proposition.
By reducing yourself to a mere object that is acted upon, you lose the greater agency of choice in suitors—the power to steer your fate toward those men who intrigue you most.
But for all this attention you get as a woman, it’s important not to lose sight of what you desire to achieve: to find a strong dominant male you can actually respect
. As a female, your instincts certainly do serve you well. It’s probably true that many of the ones who have approached you aren’t worth considering much. For one reason or another (you may not always know or be able to verbalize exactly why) their queries seem too contrived, too eager, too devoid of a certain something that makes you care, or just too random and out of the blue to so much as make a blip on your radar. You need context and meaning to involve your mind and in a world of cheap and easy digital communication, with its dating sites and lightening-fast messaging systems, it’s very easy to…well, not care much at all about what comes your way when it’s in such instant and high volume. You’ve seen these men before, though they have different faces and names. You’ve seen the same lines, or rather, the same hints behind the lines—however they are contrived—more times than you can count. Messages in your inbox or advances from men in bars, restaurants, clubs or social grapevines are not met with an air of hope so much as resignation that you’ll receive yet another approach from one more unsuitable would-be. And those who you do accept into your circle after proper genuflection mysteriously tend to disappoint or miss the mark in the long run.
And so the situation with men can sometimes seem like a revolving door of incompatibility and gradual letdown. All the while, there are men you may see on the fringes, men who truly catch your eye, even if fleetingly so. They may not last long in your mind once they pass the field of your vision. Like colorful birds, they may be a quick burst of radiance and curious energies that you dismiss as beyond grasp. They may also be like lovely polestars in the heavens, beings who are somewhat haunting and mesmerizing, or simply tickle something in your psyche. Perhaps men like this are unattainable in your mind because you don’t have the confidence to approach them and so fear rejection. Perhaps you’re the type of luminous woman who can have almost any man she wants, but never, as a rule, deigns to make the first move, because you’ve never had to. Wherever on the scale you may lie, the decision to put yourself in plain sight is a common tactic you use in your seduction. It boils down, essentially, to a coy game of sit and wait: those who prostrate upon your altar are rewarded with your attention, however momentarily—those who do not might as well not exist at all.
This strategy may work quite fine in one sense: catching men in the net is easy when they whirl like schools of silver sprats over your vibrant beauty and charm. Where this strategy might not shine so well, however, is in its inherent passivity, the spirit of which will often balk at making any difficult climb to have what’s desired beyond the lazy reach. By reducing yourself to a mere object that is acted upon, you lose the greater agency of choice in suitors—the power to steer your fate toward those men who intrigue you most. While “it is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her,” as French playwright Paul Geraldy once claimed, the fact remains that you are still playing with the cards dealt you by chance, and while all chance can’t be removed from life, any extra agency we may find along the way in steering it better to our fulfillment should, rightfully, be nurtured. Particularly where it relates to finding a dyed-in-the-wool dominant man you respect and deeply want, how could this not be so? For these men who stir you a little or a lot may never come your way of their own accord, no matter how well placed you are in their view. They may never step upon the path leading to you, no matter how brilliant or vivacious you might be or appear. It’s very possible that some of these intriguing beings refuse to approach you, for they grow weary of the cat and mouse games so often associated with the politics of feminine desirability and those women who demonstrate the ability to cynically exploit it. They may see, as I often do, that women so often used to being worshiped and pursued (most often for their beauty) tend to be drunk on the narcissism that often results from such attention. The idea they are hot commodities in demand that males have to compete for to earn their attention permeates their thinking, and, not surprisingly, often the fate of their relationships with men. How many women have you seen in life who claim their men “wear the pants” in their relationship, despite the painfully obvious fact that it’s just not the case and never really has been? How many charades have you seen played out where the “king” is metaphysically crawling behind his supposed servant? Chances are you’ve seen this before, and if you honor the spirit of submission, such a relationship fate probably sickens or horrifies you.
Is she willing to have the courage of her convictions—to step outside of her shell and risk the adventure in finding the heady mixture she truly desires? Or will she play it safe with an indefinite game of sit pretty and wait?
Now this is not to say that all submissive females have such a subversive and self-worshiping blind side (though it should be noted many females who claim to desire submission often do). Certainly, most women who find genuine interest in female submission are not chronically infected with the diva complex I describe above, but traces of this tendency often do find their way subtly into a woman’s conscience and sub-conscience, given our cultural history and especially the realities of sexual politics today. The tendency to unthinkingly recycle these old courtship concepts as “the norm” is quite strong in most women still, and only routed out when fully realized—permitting there’s desire to route them out in the first place. But therein lies the first question a submissive woman should ask herself when searching for a dominant male: is she ready to leave the baggage of all this egotistical and inefficient thinking aside? Is she willing to have the courage of her convictions—to step outside of her shell and risk the adventure in finding the heady mixture she truly desires? Or will she play it safe with an indefinite game of sit pretty and wait?
As a submissive female, you may realize that you need to be overtaken and humbled, but that journey begins with humbling yourself enough to see the synthetic entitlements within your own culturally supported blind sides; it requires a lucid and awake mind capable of shrugging off the tropes we may unthinkingly buy into as males and females. And one of the biggest and most subversive tropes of all is the idea that females are always to be the benefactors of pursuit—the ones who choose the ones who choose them. Not only does this coy stratagem undermine the spirit of your own submissiveness, but it limits your available options to find and appeal to the men you truly desire.
It’s my heartfelt wish that all submissive women reading my words take this message with far more than a grain of salt. If anything I’ve described above matches, in any degree, your perceptions of courtship rights and wrongs, it’s my sincere suggestion that something needs to change in the way you search for fulfillment as a submissive female. It’s true that there are many men who are not suited to even the surface appeal of dominance, much less the roles of capable husbands or masters. Many of these men are the ones you’re probably quite familiar with, if you’ve been playing this game or witness to it. They are the types who veritably beg for your consideration and who you can easily “allow” to think they are in control, and since you find them appealing in some way, you may persist in upholding this grand illusion for however long you want. You may hope, perhaps, that somewhere along the way, the man you snagged will muster the strength of character to have what it takes to truly rule your heart and mind. More often than not, however, this will likely fail, for the foundation upon which you built such a relationship had a fatal flaw right from its inception: the principle of least interest was always in your favor and the one you allowed into your life was placed upon his throne by none other than you, not by his true virtues as a dominant man.
And so it is important you choose a man you cannot manipulate, a man you cannot lead about by the nose ringed with his own desire and eagerness to jump through hoops of your whim and design. For this reason, the men who flatter you with their ongoing and uninvited attention, the men who seem like puppies eagerly waiting for your cue to act and jump all too easily at what you toss their way should all be held suspect. By letting them in, you invite whatever deformities of character and understanding they may harbor while assuming a shaky mantle of service-oriented dominance. By lifting the bridge to your castle, so to speak, you invite only the ones you willfully desire into your world, eliminating both predator and pushover from the opportunity to disguise themselves on your front doorstep with uncertain outcomes. Doing this requires courage, of course…the sort of courage that may not feel entirely comfortable or “natural” for you, but keep in mind that fortune often favors the bold. If you embrace this boldness to step out of the seemingly safe, hermetically sealed pink bubble of the female ego and risk feeling the phantoms of rejection and failure, you may very well summon the power to find a man you can fully appreciate and respect.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” —Anais Nin
This will not only require you to be courageous: it will also necessitate seeing men without imperiously dismissing them, fostering the talent for a more “broadband” observation of the male sex—of its intelligence, depth, and masculine splendor. It will encourage you to examine the inner male apparition of your fantasies and by what method you may obtain him in real life.
By reaching outward and exploring the many wise and honorable men who exist in our world, you will hone a finer art of discernment and feel liberated to exercise agency in acting upon informed choice, not merely the opportunities afforded by random circumstance. It is your bid to seize the day, as it were. The choice is, of course, yours. You may delay, but time certainly will not. As a human being who lives only a finite number of possible years on our planet, it behooves you to optimize that time and experience the full scope of what your female nature craves. It doesn’t mean you should be foolhardy in this exploration, for certainly, the necessity of good choice and sound reasoning not only remains but is further mandated with a more aggressive exploration. While the work for you may increase, so will the odds of finding a good man—a man more right for you.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do … Explore. Dream. Discover.” —Mark Twain
And, as a dominant male who has seen and often requires females approach him in the beginning, I can tell you that many men on the other side of the equation will be pleased and impressed you took the initiative to present yourself before the object of your interest, that you were stirred enough in your inquisitiveness about them to speak the first word. It’s true that not all good men won’t come knocking on your door. A man of tact, dignity, and grace in getting the conversation going is marked as learned, tasteful, and even seductive—should you have the insight to recognize his gesture from the cacophony of other voices, that is. It’s also true that making the first gesture in communicating with a man is not a guarantee of success with him, by any means, but it is my sincere belief and experience that knowing what you want and taking up a more proactive role in finding it will assist you in reaching your preferred destiny with less headache and disillusionment accrued along the way.
October 23, 2013
Three Pieces of Wisdom
By Nina E.
A while ago a poster in our forums started a thread about “Wise Women.” She provided a web page example posted on a religious outreach site that offered marriage counseling and advice. I was struck by the plenitude of wisdom on that web page and thought a Humbled Females version of such basic truths would be useful. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this site’s key principle, humbleness, is very much akin to what that web page was calling wisdom.
It’s very interesting how these two terms are so often synonymous, not just for women wanting to serve men but for anyone who seeks to improve themselves or who seeks something greater than themselves. Humility or humbleness goes hand-in-hand with traits such as a willingness to learn—particularly from one’s mistakes, open-mindedness, understanding, being alert to one’s surroundings and the people in them, and being self-critical in order to become self-knowing. All of these are traits traditionally associated with wisdom. The converse is also true: with egotism, narcissism, vanity, and overweening self-regard so often comes perceptual blindness, stupidity, vulnerability to flattery, and ignorance of what is actually going on around oneself or, even worse, inside oneself.
This article samples a few of the core passages from the religious website’s page that struck me as particularly relevant to those who visit Humbled Females and then expands upon them a bit. Before beginning, it may be important to reiterate that Humbled Females is secular and does not endorse any particular religion, but should we find valuable information in a religious source we won’t hesitate to use it. There are, however, some significant differences between that website’s approach and the approach taken here and I’d like to lay these out at the beginning before displaying its treasures.
First, the website referred to believes that a woman obeying a man is a mandate from a deity. At Humbled Females, we believe more that this is the natural way women and men have lived together and successfully cooperated with each other for hundreds of thousands of years. Thus, we feel natural and at home when we relate to the opposite sex in these ways.
A humbled female doesn’t take anything for granted. Think about this for a second. It’s very easy to pass over this one, to read it, nod in half-asleep agreement or even assert to oneself, “I never take anything for granted in my relationship. It’s a basic tenet that I don’t, after all.” I was tempted to do that, too, but rather than passing it over, I decided to reflect upon it a little deeper.
Secondly, the religious website ministers to a specific local audience, an audience that I expect is not well-represented on Humbled Females. As part of this, it tends to apologize for weaknesses in men and, in some cases, even assumes male weakness as a base principle, which is not something endorsed here at all! Nevertheless, when one overlooks the passages written specifically to that audience, a lot of insight into male-led relationships and what makes them work can be gleaned.
One other important principle distinguishes the Humbled Females approach from that of the other site. We automatically assume that men and women coming to Humbled Females are intensely interested in male-led relationships and that the women who spend time here are at least partially humbled. We assume such women have done the hard work on themselves that is necessary to approach a man or a male-led relationship with the appropriate spirit: well aware of personal faults, self-effacing, quiet, narcissism and self-obsession in check, interested in a man’s life, mind and world far more than their own lives, minds, and worlds. The religious site, on the other hand, works with confused and unhappy couples, people conditioned to blindly accept egalitarian marriages in which a humbled attitude in a woman was not ever fostered or encouraged. From the things the site authors let slip between the lines, many of these relationships are a mess, with the common modern feminism myths deeply entrenched and the female rankly disobedient, hostile toward, and scornful of her male, despite her religious beliefs which encourage an opposite attitude. Humbled Females is not geared toward individuals with such unenlightened attitudes nor do we believe such marriages can necessarily be saved. If the humble spirit isn’t already there in the woman’s heart and if the need for that spirit is not already understood by her, our view is that very little—if any—progress can be made.
A humbled female doesn’t take anything for granted.
Think about this for a second. It’s very easy to pass over this one, to read it, nod in half-asleep agreement or even assert to oneself, “I never take anything for granted in my relationship. It’s a basic tenet that I don’t, after all.” I was tempted to do that, too, but rather than passing it over, I decided to reflect upon it a little deeper. The statement can be read in a couple of ways. For those humbled females who are not living as slaves, the statement is a gentle reminder of something that is easy to forget: that all the good in our lives, our homes that keep us safe and warm, our children, our lovely clothes and makeup, our hobbies and passions that we pursue, our careers, our leisure time, our relationships with friends and family, and, most of all, our core happiness and contentment over it all comes from being second-in-command to the captain who runs our domestic ship and makes everything work out right. Without that basic relationship in place, we’d be unhappy and restless and this would significantly color our appreciation for other experiences, even good experiences. When a woman who needs to be commanded, directed, or led to a particular degree isn’t, nothing feels right, even if her life is seemingly free of strife. When she is, everything feels right at the core of things and she is able to face life’s difficulties much easier.
Perhaps some of us work and bring in money that buys the physical things. But would those things mean anything to us if there wasn’t a male ruling over us and, through his wise decisions (that don’t always go our way), taking care of the benefit and well-being of all members of the household? It’s quite easy when a humbled female is in a good and satisfying situation to forget that this good comes from somewhere—from someone, more specifically—and that if he were to suddenly disappear from life, her world would be ashes. When a female starts to take her good fortune, and particularly, her man, for granted, she frequently opens the door to discontent, restlessness, greed for more. When that happens she starts to feel that she deserves more rights, more lovely possessions, more leisure time, even more say in the decision-making process. Or perhaps her eye starts to wander and she begins to imagine how happy she’d be with a different sort of man. A humbled female can start to ruin her own happiness and that of those around her by forgetting that this happiness is largely based on one thing: pleasing and being subservient to the male in her life. She forgets how thankful she should be for that man because she has started to take him for granted.
It can be interesting to ask oneself, “Do I really take nothing for granted?” What would your answer be? Going into specifics can be even more interesting: “Don’t I expect to always have a warm bed or other place to sleep at night if I am in my home?” “Don’t I expect a certain amount of sleep most nights?” “Don’t I take for granted that I won’t be forced to go out in chilly zero-degree weather without clothes or in skimpy summer clothes?” “Don’t I assume the man who controls me won’t humiliate me in front of those who shouldn’t know about our relationship?” “Don’t I take my daily meals, my morning routine, my weekly TV series that I must watch, perhaps a daily shower, regular time on the Internet or something similar to these things for granted?” “Even if I intellectually understand that nothing stays the same, don’t I emotionally assume all of this will always be there?”
For those of us in more rigid relationships these are particularly relevant questions to ask as we have little or no right to assume anything in our lives is a given or that it is always going to be there. But we seem as likely as our freer sisters to unconsciously make such assumptions. Just this morning, for example, my Master eliminated my morning breakfast/supplement-taking ritual. I was required to do chores, work out in the gym, and start this article without the energy-boosting substances of breakfast. It was quite hard. I was not only disappointed and hungry but became momentarily convinced that I could not think without a cup of coffee in me! As you can see from the above text, I was able to think despite a growling tummy and feeling like my brain wasn’t running on all cylinders. I had simply taken my morning routine for granted. It’s impossible to be ever-vigilant, to watch out for creeping complacency at all times. But I think most women can give themselves regular reminders so that they don’t cozily take all they have as a given, as something that will always be there. Some of us are lucky enough to have men who will remind us, like my Master did this morning, of what we take for granted. But this is largely a job that a humbled female has to do in her own head. It pays great dividends to do so, as one’s happiness and contentment increase as a result, and the common forms of discontent and ungratefulness are less likely to take root in one’s mind.
It’s worth mentioning that this job is never complete. No matter how much we may see the need intellectually to never take anything for granted, it’s still going to happen, particularly if our men treat us kindly and decently. I’ve personally never gotten rid of this tendency, and I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you can permanently eradicate. But it is the sort of thing one can keep a close eye out for and when a humbled female catches herself in the act of taking something for granted or, in the case of a slave, desiring or demanding more than is her due, she can often stop the thoughts or behavior.
A humbled female understands that her dominant man’s need to be honored is not based on his performance but on his position.
It is a good thing to be drawn to a man initially because of his greatness, because of certain qualities or ways of behaving and communicating that we intensely admire in him. But once a humbled female has agreed to be his and his alone, and particularly once she starts to live intimately with him and he relaxes around her and shows her his many sides, it is essential that she not set herself up as his judge and base her opinions of him on whether he is acting like “SuperMale” or not at any given second of the day. The truth is that he is SuperMale all the time because he now commands her, not because he has to keep proving himself to her over and over again. She may have initially agreed to serve him because of the greatness and breadth of his ideas, the largeness of his spirit, his keen intelligence, his powerful presence, broad experience, compelling charisma, or other qualities that really impressed her. She desired him to favor her with his attention, she desired to be one he picked to serve and follow him. Once that sacred pact is entered into, it is essential for a humbled female not to lose her perception of the man’s godlike relation to herself. What he does after she becomes his is his business and his only, not hers to critique or change. (There is one exception to this. Opinions vary, but it is my belief that a humbled female need not remain loyal to a male who no longer dominates her because the core reason she started the relationship with him has been removed, or, to put it another way, the sacred pact has been broken.)
A humbled female isn’t one of those shallow “conditional” submissives, the type who only submits to a man who keeps impressing and entertaining her day after day, who never lets his hair (or his guard) down, who is always perfectly dressed, well-spoken, and acting like the romantic lead character in a cheesy BDSM romance novel, no matter how bad of a day he is actually having. She doesn’t stop submitting because he firmly tells her “no” over something, even if it’s something she really wants. The women who do this are submitting to a fantasy, not to a real human being. They prefer the pleasant perfect illusion over the reality because they are, at core, still egotistical, childish dreamers who are incapable of submitting fully to a real human being. They may imagine themselves so great or so wonderful that no man they submit to will ever be less than perfect. Once a man starts to reveal his grounded reality, his humanity, they disappointedly go in chase of the next romantic masterly phantom.
A humbled female avoids judging the man she serves because she is well aware of her tendency to confuse her fantasies and illusions about what the perfect dominant male is with reality. She understands the role that silly romance novels in all their thin guises (BDSM, vampire, demonic, magical) have had in influencing her ideas about how the perfect male looks or acts. As the religious website said in one article, the romance novels women read tend to paint the ideal man as both hyper-masculine and hyper-sensitive at the same time—in addition to his superhuman powers, dark mysterious good looks, and fabulous wealth, of course. It should not need to be said here that no real man is like the characters in those novels. But most submissive women still harbor secret fantasies that such men exist, and sometimes they even believe they have found him, due to the way they misinterpret how he presents himself: they see only what they want to see, not what is actually there.
Imagine how a woman who believes in the hyper-masculine-yet-hyper-sensitive-to-her-needs myth feels when she is rambling on and on self-centeredly, as women are wont to do, about her issues, her problems, her activities, her needs, her desires… and then he suddenly tells her, out of the blue, to shut her mouth. There flies the hyper-sensitive part of her fantasy about him out the window. But real dominant men, although they may occasionally have some interest in a feminine narcissistic spiel (particularly if it is entertaining) or find a specific line of talk interesting because of what it tells them about how her mind works, are rarely interested in listening to frequent, long, self-obsessed soliloquys from a woman—whether spoken or written. A dominant man wants a woman to say things of relevance, things that interest him, and say them concisely. Talking about oneself has its place, but it is a much smaller place than most women are comfortable with. Thus, when some putatively submissive women are told to shut up they immediately start to judge the male as inferiorly dominant, simply because he will not pander to their rampant narcissism and self-absorption. That judgment actually means the opposite of what they imagine is true: it means they are facing a superior male specimen, a commanding man who knows exactly what he wants, and they are too weak (too self-indulgent and/or too self-impressed) to deal with him on his terms and serve him in the ways he wishes. Far too many women who claim to want a “master” in reality only want a rapt and adoring audience for their narcissistic displays.
It is critical that by the time she gets around to serving a man, a woman claiming to be humbled understands that she is no longer the judge of that man. The time for weighing and balancing comes before she submits fully to him. It’s now time for her to live up to her sacred commitment to serve and obey him. This means, in part, realizing that her acceptance of him as her ruler was not conditional and based on whether he puts on whatever performance she wants to see on a day-to-day basis but rather based on her decision that, overall, he was very well-suited to ruling her. After that decision and commitment has been made, it would seem to follow that her honor, respect, loyalty, and obedience would be based on the firm belief that, come good or bad, heaven or hell, he is now her ruler in all things and must be obeyed because that is his role in her life, a role she claimed she desperately needed a man to fill. It should not be based on whether he “talks the talk” that gives her the little tinglies between her legs, whether he makes her feel arrogantly proud that she has the most alpha male in the pack, whether he obediently plays out whatever role she approves of or feels most comfortable with, or any other self-centered, selfish desire. She obeys because he is now her lord and ruler, ideally for the remainder of her life. Before she became his, performance had to take precedence over position in order that she could choose wisely to serve a compatible man who could control her to the extent that she needed to be controlled. But once she’s given herself to him or allowed herself to be taken by him, then position—namely his position over her as her ruler, director, or controller—now takes precedence over anything specific he says or does. If it comes from him, then, ideally, no matter what it is, she views it as a sacred law that must be obeyed.
A humbled female never expects anyone to serve her; therefore she is never disappointed.
A typical “kinky” woman, particularly one who has been exposed to the confusing BDSM fetish scene, takes for granted that the man in her life, no matter how much she claims to believe in male supremacy or how extremely she is controlled, will always “be there for her.” This vague phrase, “being there,” means different things to different women, but central to all descriptions is the core assumption of male service to the female: his listening to her whenever she wants to speak, his taking her “needs” (even if they aren’t needs) into account at all times, his “providing” for her, his patiently giving her his time, resources, and attention no matter what sort of negative drama-queen acts she pulls. Even the best of women will sometimes assume that a man will automatically center his life and plans around her and what “works for her,” never step on her proclaimed weak areas, and always listen to her ideas and suggestions, ideally putting them into practice.
It’s hard to be a woman these days in our culture and not assume that, no matter how controlled or owned you are, your owner won’t also be giving you stuff and giving up stuff he might want for your sake. There’s something in women that makes them seekers of and collectors of resources. We tend to regard ourselves as extremely important and non-expendable: valuable objects that must be cared for, maintained, and preserved. This largely unconscious assumption could come from a woman’s role as a breeder. Human females may have inside them some sort of genetic self-protection algorithm that urges them on to get what they think they need from others, and particularly from a protective male, so that when they give birth to and raise children, there is a better chance they will all survive. Unfortunately, women these days carry that algorithm, if that is what it is, to an absurd level of narcissism and selfish “me-first” thinking. Everything in our current culture screams that the woman is far, far more important than the more-expendable man and men are lauded and praised for their selflessness and sacrifices to women.
To a truly humbled female, all that glorification of the female seems shockingly backward and utterly repulsive. She doesn’t want to make herself the center of the relationship around which a man revolves but rather have him be the glorious sun around which she revolves. And yet it is awfully hard at times, even for such women, to fight pernicious feminist conditioning that seems to be supporting this possibly genetically-based attitude that feels so “right” to us: the idea that we deserve special or better resources, attention, and treatment than a male. The types of special favors humbled females expect tend to be different (and also more hidden or subtle) than those of other women, but the common ground is that we still expect them. Part of a strong man’s role is to disillusion his female of these expectations, but she needs to be on board with that, not fighting him or feeling denied or deprived if she isn’t treated as a precious treasure that must be oh-so-carefully preserved. She needs first to understand how ugly and self-centered such an attitude is. Then she must be willing to find what forms this attitude takes in her own mind and behavior. Finally, ideally with the help of the man she serves, she can destroy these false and subversive expectations. By not ever expecting anyone to serve her in any way and, instead, by focusing on helping and serving others, a humbled female applies a very useful mental tool, a tool that can keep her sane, with her feet realistically planted on earth. With her vanity and self-regard on a tight leash, she can remain committed to her aspirations of real and useful service to a man.
That isn’t to say a woman shouldn’t speak out if she genuinely needs something or if it would help her. But what if you’re refused? Are you prepared to graciously accept “no” for an answer if that is what he tells you, even if you think you absolutely must have whatever it is you requested? Can you do so without harboring negative thoughts against him? Such negative thoughts represent pride and ego speaking: “I deserve this! Why doesn’t he give it to me? He’s so perverse, evil, uncaring, stupid! He doesn’t understand how I feel.” If a woman genuinely realizes that she is there to serve others, particularly her man, she does not chafe when denied something, even something she thinks she absolutely needs. She trusts her man’s decision to deny her things when or if he wishes, and quietly accepts his will, just as any adult who has made a mature commitment to follow orders would. When a woman is a true giver and fully focused on giving, then what she receives or does not receive stops mattering so much to her. It’s just par for the course: she knows that all of life has its ups and its downs and a relationship of service is no different. A humbled female acknowledges and honors her man’s every decision, even if it momentarily disappoints her, and moves on, letting the chips fall where they will. And quite often she will find that such chips were imaginary to begin with.
July 20, 2013
The Foundation of Male Dominance
At Humbled Females, we often speak a great deal about authentic submissiveness in women and how to best channel and hone it. This is necessary, as female submission is a subject of tremendous breadth and scope. Much more can and will be written of it, but in this article, I’m going to do something that deviates from the trend of our publications, thus far: I’m going to address men.
That’s right. If you’re a male and happen to think of yourself as “dominant” (or wish to be) and you’re reading this, my message in this article is directed to you. I’m also addressing males who don’t necessarily think of themselves as dominant, but find themselves wandering the digital halls of this site, regardless. My friends, it seems to me that something has to change in the way many of us relate to and interact with the female sex. Many of us men seem to be found wanting where it comes to projecting the depth, power, and confidence that marks an authentically dominant male. So very many men, in fact, seem so very weak and pliable when tested. It’s possible you might not be the type of person I’m speaking of in this body of text, and if so, I suspect you’ll still have little to no difficulty recalling any number of occasions in which you’ve seen other men make fools of themselves in their bids to acquire members of the female sex or keep them under their control.
To all the male readers, seasoned or green, I simply ask this: are you in control of your desires or do your desires have a tendency to ride roughshod over you, instead? A simple question, it seems, but below the surface, it points toward something a little more complex. On the genomic level, we are never free of desire, of course, for to be free of it would mean we’d be dead. But what I’m getting at, particularly, is the ability to still your thoughts and modify your urges, to channel them and hone them as a complimentary mirror to what we desire in the female sex. Put more plainly, for a woman to surrender to a man’s dominance, there must first be an understanding of dominance in the man. There must be an understanding and successful application of control, not only of her, but of himself. I’m bringing all this up because, frankly, I see a lot of men doing some pretty silly stuff under the assumed mantle of dominance, a mantle which is often little more than a cheaply painted veneer, a prop to give the appearance of mastery, but not much more than that, once one cuts gently below the surface to reveal the tender flesh of inadequacy.
I know my words may sound a bit judgmental and event arrogant, but I don’t mean them to be. I write this because I care about how men are presenting themselves to women and carrying themselves around women, in general. I have been watching you, as a whole, for some time now, and the grade I give more than half of the assuming, self-assured “dominant” male population is a decided F. Many are failing—miserably, I might add—at projecting dominance and control, but the image problem is not where the problem for many men stops: it is the symptom of an underlying problem, and that problem, overall, is a fundamental lack of understanding about what dominance really is and how to have grace (through internal permission) in wielding it. Further still, it is a larger ignorance of the politics of desire and the power that flows from it…or does not. A blindside to the intelligence and subtlety of the female sex often tends to be present, too. If a man is to truly have power over a woman, he must route out all these failings and weaknesses. Only then can he begin to have any real power over the opposite sex.
On the nature of desire and control
In seeking authority over a female, it is imperative to have a good understanding of what dominance is…and what it is clearly not. Dominance, put succinctly, is a power or modifying influence one has over others. If one does not have influence over another, one does not have power and thus, one does not retain an authentic state of dominion over that person. Without influence, without the ability to inspire movement and devotion in another, one cannot lead. Any influence lent to another for the sake of sensual effect is just that: an effect. Your authority and your control cannot be reliably built upon the shifting sands of a sensual illusion or the delicate embroidery of common romantic mores stitched in wilder thread; it must be something of much more substance. Good leadership—good dominance—never proceeds from artifice, naivety, or dull awareness, nor does it find itself lowered to the state of appeasement to get what it wants. Dominance is never destitute, deprived, or indignant, needing to resentfully stoop to sell itself. It does not have to apologize for its presence and ask for customers, so to speak.
On that note, I’d ask you to consider, if you will, the following lines from interested male parties below. I’ve cut and pasted these words from actual emails sent to my girls by self-described “dominant men.” Can you find the flaws?
“I haven’t heard from you for a while and now I see you have changed your status to seeking a master. You will have to decide yourself if you think there is any point in speaking with me, but I am available for you.”
“I would love to own a beautiful female such as yourself. I see that you mention you want someone that has owned a slave before and I haven’t, but I think I can convince you that I am the perfect owner for you. Why don’t you respond so we can discuss this? Give me a chance, at least.”
“I hope your day is good and I certainly am willing to be a friend and possibly a teacher or mentor to you, if you’d want. I know you have posted looking for one. Are you interested in me or not?”
“Sorry to see you are no longer under consideration. I don’t think he deserved you, anyway. You deserve much better. I hope you’ll consider me as your master. I would jump at the opportunity to have you under my wing.”
Men: do you recognize yourselves anywhere in the above quotes? If you don’t, congratulations. If so, you undoubtedly have some personal work to do. That is, if your future intentions skirt anywhere toward asserting the reality of power and not a comedy sketch of Briffault’s Law.
To those who might be scratching their heads, do any of the above quotes strike you as a bit weak? Pathetic, even? It’s obvious the men above are prostrating before the object of their desires. They flatter and suck up, sometimes condescendingly so, but at the inevitable expense of their own image. The woman reading such messages or hearing such things said to her realizes that what alights before her is but a pale and desperate shade of the firedrake she truly wants. If she has a submissive nature within her, a noble nature that holds no contempt for men or smug superiority to them, she may feel a mild to strong revulsion at being approached so fawningly. She may not understand why these men, communicating the way they do to her, make her feel less than inspired, but she does, instinctively, feel a need to avoid the contradictions they seem to convey in words alone.
When he stumbles over himself for the interest of a woman, he puts himself figuratively (and sometimes literally) beneath her. Contrary, perhaps, to what surrounding culture tends to tell us, it’s not attractive to most women when they see men doing this.
Women, simply by being women, by having the fleshly allurements that come with their sex, inherit a pernicious charm that plays with the free will of men. When a man is sensually weak, he can easily be controlled. When he stumbles over himself for the interest of a woman, he puts himself beneath her. Contrary, perhaps, to what surrounding culture tends to tell us, it’s not attractive to most women when they see men doing this. Those women who do manage to find weakness in men desirable would use your desire to control you while you only assume a facade of control. Some women may find the man led around by his male-part endearing for a season, but they will tire, eventually, and the amusement will lead to inevitable contempt. For this reason, you must be vigilant and use self restraint when appraising those who you would hunt or those who find their way to you. Do not jump too quickly toward a pretty face and facade, lest you pierce a ring through your own nose.
Rein in your impulses a bit. A wise man, a man who would be master, leans easily toward comfortable politeness and graciousness in his dealings with women, but is watchful of his dignity all the same and does not lick up the pleasing lures of flesh unthinkingly or in ways that lower him. With a certain imperviousness, sharp insight, and good judgement, the master truly masters those he would have, and above all, takes care to not find himself mastered by them. Again, words make things sound so simple, but anyone with a dash of experience in bringing the female mind truly to heel will understand the gravity of the task.
Much like Diogenes with his lantern in search of an honest man, a woman wanders in her search for a man of the right quality, often a man who would be her mentor. But how much a mentor can a man be if he is like the proverbial emperor with no clothes, given to chasing his desires so much that they lower him like a simple beast? It marks a great heart and mind when one possesses patience, never spurred by foolish haste over beauty or a blinding lust for it, and thus never making an ass of himself. If you would be master of a woman, you must take care to master your own impulses, or they’ll surely be used against you in some way by her natural wiles, which, even among the best of women, wait secretly to be roused from their slumber. In the very least, you’ll be judged as unsuitable, should her heart be pure in the desire to serve and her mind clear on what marks true dominance in the male. So much for being an agreeable lapdog always seeking her approval. Challenge her mind and simultaneously comfort it with your clear sense of direction. This is not to say you must be a contrarian, a bully, a player, or a braggart, but it is to say that being comfortable in your own skin, having a well-seated confidence, and a well-balanced head is not only attractive, but pivotal in the realm of influence. Of utmost importance is the necessity that you must break the pattern of weakness and naivety seen so frequently among men in these modern times.
Curtailing antipathy and vulgarity
Negative energy is unattractive and alienating. There are men who, having wealth or good looks (or ideally, both), still fail miserably in retaining female interest for long due to an incessant ugliness within their souls. They take too much pleasure in their greeds, hatreds, and prejudices, seeing virtually everything as a crime or conspiracy to meet with strife or agitation. Those who see nothing but the bad in life and who thrill at argument and division provoke little more than aversion and are quickly marked as fools; there is nothing powerful about them. Past the stinging bite of their words, they are only remembered as pitiful, disagreeable, or deranged. We mustn’t walk constantly in darkness, lest we be branded town cynics. Just as there is a moon, so too is there a sun. Be sure to see the good in things along with the bad. Take care to compliment others of their virtues with sincerity. Be supportive of what deserves support, not silent until the time comes, again, for complaint. Be a light that attracts, but not falsely so, and certainly be more a force of harmony than chaos. Being a problem-solver, letting your resources flow, having answers with a kinder face…these things make tremendous difference in the realm of opening and lasting influence.
Take care to speak thoughtfully and well. Let there be a poetry to your words that beguile and a wisdom within them that inspires. This cannot be said enough when speaking of enticing the female mind, for the female searches not so much for wit but wisdom in a male and knows this is often marked by his words as much as his actions. Not all of us are perfect writers or speakers, but we should avoid soiling our speech with vulgarities, in the very least. Paying heed to speaking well speaks, in turn, of good breeding and refinement. Only a dullard writes off this subtle charm as inconsequential.
Don’t play the part of the constant jester. Women love to laugh, indeed, but let your humor be a pleasing discovery that finds its moment, rather than what marks your personhood in social circles, lest you be thought more an entertaining fool than wise. Keep your actions in check with mindfulness and know when a little bit of levity or foolishness is appropriate. Timing, as they say, is everything in life. We certainly mustn’t take ourselves too seriously, but it is generally good practice to be known more for wisdom than endless laughs.
Be a force of reason that is never too quick to harshly judge. This will mark you as thoughtful and gracious rather than a belligerent and cynical egotist. It is the worldly charm of the wise to be tempered in their aggressions, not gobbling up every bait they find to argue and find fault in others. In short, confident and calm dominance is attractive. Belligerent domineering by reflex is not. Making a regular show of your aggression or cynicism is always in bad taste and policy.
The male aesthetic
Care for your body. Women have desire for the male form in its ideal health and so it behooves you to tend to your health and appearance. Good grooming not only makes one more pleasant, but marks the man who is in control of his person. A man who is slovenly or grossly obese outwardly displays his inability to manage his own person. How can he be expected, then, to manage others? In being dominant men, the first foundations of the lives we build reside solely in ourselves. From that bedrock all else may be built upon soundly, including the servants we keep in women.
Nurture art within yourself. Neglect, disorder, disarray, and disease: these are the flies that encircle the carrion of inept men. Such men are incapable of mastering others, for they cannot master themselves. Be aware of your appearance and what it says about you. It is the first clue one can give in the day-to-day world about what resides beneath the skin. It is impossible to know the depths of a man who is a stranger, but we can easily judge him based upon his outward appearance, can’t we? Just as we may judge the discernment of a house’s owner by the its outward impression, so too may you be judged on the outside. Women are subtle observers; they are savvy about outward appearance, for they, by nature, are servants to the visual. Keep abreast of style and fashion within your culture, not to nurture vainglory or a brittle narcissism, but to be marked as one who is awake to taste and refinement and the care of these things. Ignorance is often artless; the learned are often artful. If we understand how the soul is revitalized and inspired through art, should we not, then, seek to embody art in ourselves?
On responsibility, capability, and dignity
Above all things, a man must retain a good reputation. It is half the key to being desirable in your circle. You will be loved if you nurture a repute for responsibility, taste, discernment, wisdom, and courtesy. Veer from the affectations of these things; their substances can only be procured through experience, reflection, and forethought. The female is highly social; her tentacles for rumor and gossip often run farther and deeper today than ever before, given her modern freedoms. It’s fitting, then, to guard your reputation with your life and better to be thought of as a respectable mystery than someone commonly regarded for known faults. For this reason, it is imperative you deal only with those who would guard your honor with equal interest. Watch carefully how women you would let into your circle behave with the personal secrets they have gleaned from others. Steer clear of drama queens, manipulators, and the entire lot of the mentally damaged, no matter what affectations of submission they project or beauty they possess. Sharing energy with such parasites is an endless loop of madness and insult, draining your sense of good will and smearing your image by association.
Don’t recede into self-debilitating laziness. A man who has dreams and acts to pursue them is a man in motion on some level. Waters that are not flowing soon give rise to a swamp caught up in its own dead inertia. From this swamp, a multitude of disease follows: paralyzation, doubt, apathy, ignorance, depression, and addiction. A man who is resourceful and ambitious, a man who is inclined to action for his well-being and the well-being of those around him is a man who is attractive to a woman, for he is charged with a positive energy that her passive energy will naturally wish to mate with. A man with vision and the boldness to pursue his dreams is exciting and inspiring to women. He is a wellspring of influence, pleasure, and hope. His leadership is grounding, his character uplifting, and his dominance securing. Firm in these good qualities, his dominion is assured.
Do not allow women to walk on you. No lasting happiness can come from humoring the natural tendency for females to manipulate men or cause doubt in them. Enjoy the charms and pleasures of the female sex, but do not become a slave to them. Females will naturally respect males who are intelligent, difficult to corrupt, and carry with them the light of a noble spirit, but they will give little respect to those who kneel and scrape for them. Should a female show interest in the male sycophant, it will be only with the intent to use him. Therefore it is crucial to avoid women who take pleasure in subtly dominating and emasculating men: nothing lastingly good comes from this. It’s not enough to ask such women what truly lies in their hearts for you if you are already subject to them, for a sly opportunism often resides in their persons, and it will play truth like a fiddle. It’s wise, then, to make a sober and detached study of the female and the many ways in which she rises to the occasion of the male’s weakness of need, if only so she may yoke it. Do not compromise who and what you are for sexual access; it may give you short-term pleasure but will not give you long-term happiness. Win manipulative games of the female sex by not playing their games in the first place. Move on to women who exude honesty, humility, and a good manners. Avoid the narcissistic divas, radiating nothing but their own self-worship. Find contempt for the mercantile, who cynically exchange the pleasures of their sex for money. Reject the beautiful manipulator at the first sign of methodical dishonesty. Avoid the unhappy, the dysfunctional, the constantly needy, and the unlucky, as they will weigh you down and infect you with their problems.
Avoid cowardice. Shying away from conflict or challenge, living in shadow, being passive, always manipulating to get what you want, or never showing the courage of your convictions…this is the path of the coward and it is unbecoming and unattractive in a man. Men are the warriors of the species. Females rely upon us to venture into the dark and strike at the heart of encroaching danger, to have a fierce spirit and live in some fellowship with it. This speaks to our responsibility, overall, as the stronger sex. Shirking the call to arms only marks you as shirking your masculine nature. It’s good to be calming and serene, but also fierce when need be, for the protection of what belongs to you.
Reject the contempt of men in society, for it is contempt of you. To that end, avoid being an stooge of modern feminism and the air of sterile androgyny that often accompanies it. Don’t be convinced that male strength is a lie or that what you feel comes natural as a male is merely a social construct. There are those who would have you believe the world between men and women is only right when stood upon its head, that women should take on the roles of men and men of women, or that there is no “real” difference between male and female. Don’t be part of the appeasing, permissive silence that surrounds generally anti-male attitudes and never go along to get along with such attitudes. Men today must be vibrant, strong, and healthy, but we can’t look to gynocentricity to bring us to these things. Resist what, in your heart, feels twisted and poisoned in modern thought about the male sex. Just as your body is a temple, so much more is your mind and spirit. Guard it with dignity and honor. Don’t let it be smeared with the social diseases of the day.
Beware of custom played against you. The past and the present are not the same place, though sometimes we may wish them to be. Following the ways of men in a bygone age to procure honor may only stifle you now, given how the surrounding rules have changed so much. Relinquish nostalgic ideas and customs that blinker men into invisible servility to women and beware those women who would still insist upon such things under the false mantle of “equality.” This is not to suggest polite convention should be thrown out. By all means, open doors for women and cover the bill for a night out, should you be so inclined. Be kind to women and girls in society. Make your mate a happy housewife if you are able. Being a gentleman is never out of fashion, but being a woman’s personal ass certainly should be. It’s wise to beware of the cunning in women’s freedom today, which, on one hand, speaks the wish to be equal in all things, but on the other, takes advantage of romantic convention to invoke double-standard. Do not be the fool who is parted from your money, time, or hard work due to a woman’s blinding narcissism, gross moral relativity, or exploitative dishonesty.
Appreciate the masculine and give it honor. Not being at war with your own sex, take appreciation in maleness and of the male form, which is another way of saying take appreciation in yourself. Learn, again, to love yourself and reject the condescending attitudes about maleness that society viciously inflicts. Each man is a distant brother; treat him as such until there is no reason to afford him this kindness. Don’t step upon him to gain favor with women; doing so elevates you at the expense of your own sex. Avoiding ignorance, egomania, a bitter heart, envy, or anger in your soul: this is the path to inner peace and outward grace, the path to making peace with yourself and being a more desirable man.
On maintaining structure
Know what you want. Before you can begin to properly rule a woman, you must know what you envision for your life. What do you see planned for you life a year from now? Five years? Ten years? How does she fit into this design? Knowing your vision well helps you choose the best female for your designs. If you desire marriage and a family, for instance, you will naturally begin to shape your world accordingly in preparation for this, and you will seek out a mate worthy of the investment. Route out conflicts in your visions, sticking to them, rather than opportunistically drifting where the wind blows you. Make a concerted effort to make all the small, incremental changes necessary to build your future world, placing an ideal female within it, whatever the design of that world may be.
The shape and design of your world must accommodate your authority well and cultivate submission in your woman. A man must have within him the ability to organize his life in a way that allows the two respective energies between male and female to flow into good confluence. Not slovenly or crude in his habits, he is healthy in mind and body and his house is in order. What he possesses has a place and a purpose and is maintained in good keeping. This will naturally extend to caring for a woman who would be his flesh property.
But flesh alone is not only what is kept. The mind itself is the greater possession, and as such, must be brought to heel within sound confines built of clear rules and expectations. This speaks to a man’s ability to clearly communicate what he wants and enforce what he desires through the discipline of structure, a foundation of rules and ideas that are clearly expressed. Under the firmament of rules and clear consequences for transgressions, a woman will all the more easily come to know her place and feel secureness in it. Without structure in place, without an overarching framework of understanding between clarity and authority, a confusing abstractness slowly pervades, giving rise to a silent chaos and discontent. If you are to be a dominant male, and even more so a master, you must have a plan, a general understanding of where you wish to take your life in this regard, and consequently, hers. Charged with the authority you know is yours to have and command, you must lead.
The advice given here is only a rough guide. Certainly, all that could be written on the subject is beyond the scope of a single article, but I truly hope that what was provided above has served well in some capacity to men who may just be starting to come into their own with dominance, or men who may find themselves unable to “seal the deal” with those lovely women who have true blue aspirations to submit. The search, especially today, certainly isn’t easy. The modern female is bombarded constantly with messages that she is above submitting to a man—that doing so is the way of the past. A glance in the eyes of many young ladies today reveals that haughty meme of the cool diva they have learned so well. There is so much vainglory, contempt, and deception in many women, even in those with the audacity to call themselves “submissive.” After everything I’ve written above, it must be kept in mind, also, that as a man of standards and of convictions, as a man of integrity and authenticity, the search for an authentically submissive female or a female with potential to be submissive in the contemporary age will be a trial. There are no shortcuts on this path. Women with the makings of humbled females are out there, indeed, but they are somewhat rare birds. Keep this in mind. Keep in mind, also, that beyond the study of philosophy and stratagem, another important part of finding your good girl is good old fashioned patience. Your wait may very well be shortened, however, by adopting and taking to heart the things mentioned above.
January 30, 2013
Have you ever seen a cat on a fireplace mantle or other high place swat a nearby object over the edge just to see what happens when it falls down? People who own cats quickly learn about this tendency and stop putting anything fragile in a high place that a cat could jump to. Human female activity in the emotional realm sometimes reminds me of this feline behavior. Sometimes women will swat at the emotions of the ones they love just to see what will happen. Unfortunately, the damage a woman can cause when seeing if “something” will break when she pushes it over the edge has far more serious and extensive consequences than the breaking of a physical object. And the behavior is often far less innocent than a cat’s.
When a woman in a conventional relationship pushes someone close to her over the emotional edge, she sometimes does so with subterfuge. She creates a false story, an enactment in which she is the innocent victim feeling honest emotions and he is the evil villain, the bumbling incompetent, or both who makes everything so much worse. These false dramas remind me of puppet shows, with the woman skillfully hidden behind the stage, pulling the strings of all who walk across it. Even humbled females may attempt to enact these dramas with the men they’ve sworn to respect and obey. Such behavior, if it’s not noticed or stopped, has the effect of subverting or even destroying constructive, peaceful male-led relationships.
Why do women engage in this sort of tinkering when it inevitably leads to stress, grief, anger, and sometimes terrible consequences for themselves or the ones they supposedly love? This article attempts to answer that question by examining some of the ways in which females, even humbled females, mischievously mess with otherwise happy situations, and, in the process of doing so, do harm to their relationships.
Drama’s Many Forms
The word “drama” has a lot of different meanings, but it’s being used here to indicate a type of behavior that that involves elements of acting, strong hysteria or other negative emotions, and a fictional, made-up story. The kinds of negative emotional experimentation typically engaged in by females take a wide variety of forms. A few that are potentially appealing to women in male-led relationships are listed below. Why do these particular forms of drama appeal to humbled females? Perhaps because they do not involve direct attacks upon a man.
The outcome of constantly worrying about “what might be” rather than accepting and enjoying “what is” has a far broader influence and a potentially more serious impact than merely spoiling the mood.
Such aggression would neither be tolerated by him nor be found compatible with her own self-image. But subtler, more indirect manifestations of drama will be less likely to be detected for what they actually are. If employed by a skilled player, they cover up or even justify the female’s emotional tinkering.
Overthinking: Perhaps the mildest form of female strings-pulling takes the form of worrying too much about something that doesn’t really need worry or attention. People in general have become more sensitive to this trait in recent years and are vaguely aware that, like PMS, overthinking is something of a “female thing.” While women are more likely to admit to doing this these days than they used to be, the role that overthinking can play in causing unhappiness and even wrecking a relationship is still greatly underestimated. Women often laugh at this tendency of theirs as one might laugh at any trivial weakness. Perhaps this is because they are not on the receiving end of the stress it causes. Being around a chronic worrier who is constantly thinking up worse-case scenarios and who needs frequent and heavy reassurance that all is OK is not very fun. Often, an enjoyable outing, an important project, or other pleasurable or exciting activities are ruined by an overthinker’s stress.
The outcome of constantly worrying about “what might be” rather than accepting and enjoying “what is” has a far broader influence and a potentially more serious impact than merely spoiling the mood. For instance, a woman who imagines her husband is having an affair behind her back but has no proof of this may drive him to desperation with her suspicious accusations. Overthinking is closely linked to over-imagining. And, like Chicken Little, who falsely believed that the sky was falling, the woman who overthinks things typically does so by imaging all sorts of dread possibilities that are not actually happening now—but just might in the near future. Her emotional reactions to these negative fantasies are often quite strong, as strong as they would be if they were actually occurring.
Overplanning: This is a variety of obsessive-compulsive behavior that is often a reaction to overthinking. Trying to plan for contingencies and keep others safe is a natural trait in females who must care for and nurture their young until they are capable of taking care of themselves. But when a female overplans in order to avoid too many imagined negative outcomes she can, like the overthinker, ruin the spontaneous fun of the moment. A female who overplans also faces the possibility that she will, in her zeal to “cover all bases,” start trying to take control of the man’s actions or steer the relationship. There are things she can take care of, goes her reasoning, that “he just doesn’t see or won’t bother with.” Of course, if these things are not important to him then they should not be important to her, but the humbled female who succumbs to the urge to overplan sometimes loses sight of this important aspect of submission to a man’s will.
Over-observing: Overplanning can lead a woman to a sick form of over-observing, or stalking her mate. In the imagined interests of protection, she can become his worst enemy: a hostile spy who keeps tabs on his every action so that she can anticipate him and plan her next move or accusation. Wanting to know everything about a man and feeling resentful if she doesn’t is ugly in any sort of relationship but particularly so in those that involve a purportedly humbled female who claims to live for his happiness. By poking her inquisitive nose into his private affairs, a woman demonstrates a disturbing distrustfulness of the one she serves. And, if discovered, such snooping demonstrates to the man that this woman is beyond all doubt deeply untrustworthy. Spying is also a form of usurping control: the obsessed woman tries to control the object of her obsession through knowing everything she can about what he’s doing and thinking. Her overwhelming “need to know,” whether fueled by suspicion and mistrust or just the result of female nosiness, is far greater than her desire to love, serve, and obey her man.
Emotional Trojan Horses: A far more deliberate form of the female tendency to tinker maliciously with others’ feelings occurs when a part of her wants to mess with someone but realizes that in order not to be blamed for it she must hide what she is really doing within a cause that appears more legitimate. Malicious attempts to upset others often crouch within seemingly valid emotions like fear, regret, angst, anxiety, and other “honest” concerns which serve to make the troublemaker look as if she has a legitimate problem. Some women learn, though the solicitous way men treat them when they are ill, have PMS, or are depressed, that they can get away with upsetting a male if their real intentions are well hidden within a more honorable form of distress.
We’ve all known females whose lives seem to be one constant crisis after the next. As soon as the latest drama has died down, a new one crops up. Some women seem almost compelled to create non-existent problems between themselves and a male partner. Out of the blue, such a woman will suddenly be deeply upset over something allegedly awful that the man did, but if he responds in the right ways, the “traumatized” female magically recovers. Things go back to normal for a while, but a few days or weeks later a new emotional emergency magically appears. Some women have a secret belief that the existence of constant drama—particularly great emotional upsets followed by cathartic reconciliations—is a sign of true love. If things go too long at a calm, steady pace, such a woman may actually feel that something is wrong with the relationship: that it is decaying or that he is losing interest. At that point, she’ll orchestrate a dramatic event to “prove” his fidelity and commitment to her. Women can become so skilled at constructing these dramatic scenes of woe that they manage even to fool themselves: they start to believe that their sad cover stories are the actual truth.
A made-up-drama or other female-designed Trojan horse, is, at its core, an attempt to control somebody through deception and misdirection so that he never fully realizes her actual intentions. Many a humbled female will justify such behavior as “testing” their mate, seeing if he has what it takes to truly control them. If such testing goes beyond a certain stage, however, it’s often just sick game-playing or a masked attempt to steer the relationship in the direction she wants it to head. A humbled female who plays this sort of game is on very thin ice. If the male she is with understands control and the various ways in which it works, he’ll see through these pantomimes fairly quickly and be quite angered by her dishonest and disruptive behavior.
There are some common elements among these various forms of feminine drama. One seems to be a tendency to often confuse imagination with reality. Another is a female’s inability to trust the leadership of the person she is closest to and whom she has sworn to obey. There is often a malicious urge at the heart of all this behavior, an urge to see what will result from her deceptive games and creation of false dramas. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, these behaviors are frequently attempts to covertly control the man she supposedly serves. She is trying, whether she knows it or not, to be the secret puppeteer pulling his strings.
Why do women act in these counterproductive and sabotaging ways? There is no single simple answer. It’s possible, for instance, that overthinking or overplanning may be a byproduct of natural human female nurturing behavior. Planning for the small contingencies can help to keep one’s young safer and healthier. This detailed-oriented style of thinking may be something hardwired into women through genetic selection. Additionally, a less direct manner of relating to the stronger and more aggressive male, as has been suggested in a number of studies, may have had survival value in human prehistory and thus be something a female was likely to pass on to her daughters.
Finally, there is the motivation that is hardest to talk about because it is, quite frankly, so ugly. It is the “cat knocking things off a mantelpiece” urge—the desire to amuse oneself by manipulating someone, playing with their emotions, and then seeing what results from all this.
But while the disposition to approach issues indirectly or even to overplan may be a genetic tendency, women aren’t unconscious reactionary robots at the mercy of rigid biological programs. They think, they observe, they can choose their actions, they experience the outcomes of their choices, and they can learn from all of this. Genetic predispositions, if psychological, can be overcome by upbringing, training, or simple self-determination.
Giving up control over one’s life and decisions is hard and, at times, frightening, even for the most devoted of servants! At the same time as she is trying to give up personal control, a woman new to being humbled may also, paradoxically, be trying to hang onto it, perhaps in small ways that she hopes her man will either not notice or not care about. The types of behavior being discussed here are clearly attempts to retain control, whether it be through planning for all possible contingencies or the creation of misleading dramas that direct a man’s attention away from the real issues. Her fear or resentment of his control may inspire her to work indirectly to sabotage it. Due to the odd way the mind can compartmentalize conflicting or contradictory thoughts, a humbled female can often do all of this while consciously believing that she is deeply obedient and utterly devoted to the man she serves.
Sometimes there is no fear of losing control or other strong emotion behind this behavior. Sometimes a female’s tendency to deceive is rooted in unthinking habits, her upbringing, or unconsciously held attitudes. Most women, in fact, are brought up to view this way of behaving as normal and only “slightly naughty.” The TV shows, movies, magazines, and online social media that surrounds us all demonstrate and encourage this behavior. Many girls learn it by watching and absorbing the way mom interacts with dad or how a sister treats her boyfriend. Sadly, young females are bombarded from a variety of sources with the message that deceiving men in order to control their attitudes or responses is not only OK but is what is expected of women.
Finally, there is the motivation that is hardest to talk about because it is, quite frankly, so ugly. It is the “cat knocking things off a mantelpiece” urge—the desire to amuse oneself by manipulating someone, playing with their emotions, and then seeing what results from all this. A female who cannot admit that she has this tendency in herself, even if only a little, is probably doomed to engage in this behavior far more frequently than her more honest sisters. Her ego, bound up with being “good,” will be blind her to the reality that she is capable of having these base impulses and even acting upon them. While innocence and pureness are part of many a humbled female’s self-image, a woman who cannot admit to herself that she is not perfectly innocent and pure is a woman living in a fantasy.
How does a humbled female come to realize she is pulling emotional strings to make others dance to her tunes if she has a blind spot toward seeing herself in that light and even believes her own cover stories? This can be a troublesome conundrum but there are a few ways around it. Below is a five-step method that works well for any sort of personal change, but is particularly useful when trying to spot unpleasant truths in oneself in order to do something about them. This method works by taking realizations in slow, gradual stages, each of which prepares the mind for the next step toward truth.
1. Examining the Past: When a behavior or attitude is unconscious but a woman suspects she might have it, the first place to look is in her past. It’s far easier to examine mistakes that are long over as they no longer carry the bite or pain of the immediate. In particular, a humbled female can examine her prior relationships with other men to see if she can remember engaging in manipulative strings-pulling or even just gentle attempts to direct a man’s behavior.
2. Examining the Present: If a humbled female can identify a few such incidents from her past, she can move on to the next step, which is to ask herself, “Have I felt any similar motivations or desires in my current relationship?” The chances are likely she will have felt such things, as her current relationship is often far more controlled, far more dependent on the man’s whims and decisions, than others she’s been in. Her deep dependency on him will quite naturally cause frustration or fear in her at times. Identifying and admitting to these feelings is the next step.
3. Connecting Motivation with Actions: If frustrations or fears crop up, the chances are high that a controlled woman may have taken steps, at one time or another, to relieve them. Maybe she did so in very minor ways like forgetting to confess that she stayed up a half hour later than she should. This is the sort of thing she can start to look for: small omissions and other minor attempts to make outcomes work out her way, perhaps by overemphasizing a physical or emotional problem. This is the most crucial step: to link the emotions or motivations uncovered in Step 2 with actual acts intended to satisfy or relieve the former.
The following checklist depicts some signs that these motivations—and perhaps actions—are at work in a humbled female:
1. Worry about a non-existent issue and convincing herself that it is true.
2. Testing the man by disobeying him subtly to see if he catches on.
3. Thinking about him with clear disrespect or scorn.
4. Embellishing or exaggerating negative feelings in order to manipulate her man.
5. Indirect communication, perhaps by vague conversations or complaining about his behavior to others.
6. Hiding large parts of her life from his eyes; having a second, secret life that doesn’t involve him.
7. Attempting to snoop or pry into his private business without him knowing.
8. Turning to others to build up support for her victimized position and to justify further disobedience.
9. Advising him on the “best” ways to dominate her, instructing him in what works for her and what doesn’t.
4. Refusing to Wallow in Self-Blame: It can be shocking for a woman to realize that she is not as fully devoted to her man as she once believed she was, but remember, martyring out is quite often just another form of female drama, designed to engender pity in those exposed to it. Despite her guilt, it is essential for a humbled female to put this sort of thing into perspective: to err is human and we all make mistakes! But as these behaviors are destructive in the rarified relationship she now finds herself in, it is important for her to see where and how and why they are occurring without being destroyed by angst over what she finds out.
5. Telling Him About It: Communicating these types of things to her partner, as hard as this may be, will greatly relieve the mind of an unhappy, guilt-ridden female, ashamed of her behavior. She knows that when her controlling male better understand how she operates, he will be able to keep her (as well as him) safe from her worst excesses. His forgiveness, when it comes, will feel like a gentle rain on a parched land. She will feel intense relief that everything is out in the open and she can feel proud and happy for owning up to something difficult but very important to admit.
If the humbled female has carefully and conscientiously identified this behavior in herself, chances are likely the male in charge will be impressed by her thoroughness and desire to deal directly with such difficult issues.
If, however, she refrains from telling him what she must, he may eventually feel a sense of unease, of something being wrong or off-kilter in the relationship, even if he doesn’t know what. She will feel uneasy, too, and may even blame him for it. If left unattended, her slight feeling of unease, because fueled by unconscious guilt, may blossom into despair at her situation and contempt for her partner’s obtuseness.
The male may see through the female’s subterfuge and call her to the carpet. She may be disciplined for it or have to undergo many painful discussions in which he attempts to discover the extent of her trickery.
There’s also a possibility the relationship will just dissolve. The male may feel something is deeply wrong between them but may not be able to pinpoint precisely what it is and he might just call it all off citing “mutual incompatibility.”
Even worse, the man might not notice what is going on at all. Someone inexperienced with the ways of women may fall for the plots and subterfuges of his most devoted and loyal admirer. When a woman can control a man’s decisions through lies, false leads, charming guile, and misinformation, she has become the true power behind the relationship’s throne. If a woman who truly needs to be controlled manages to fool the man in this manner, she not only loses respect for him but she’s left feeling empty, sad, and insecure because she cannot count on his control, on his perceptiveness and intelligent ability to see through her ploys. She no longer feels safe.
But none of these outcomes has the potential for as much good as the one that can come from the humbled female simply kneeling before her man, sincerely admitting her mistakes, and asking for his forgiveness.
To prevent such behavior from repeating or to prevent it from happening in the first place, self-knowledge is a humbled female’s greatest weapon. With practice, a woman can become exquisitely aware of when she is doing this sort of manipulation and how she is doing it. As soon as she notices it, it is best for her to honestly admit the behavior to the man who controls her. After begging his forgiveness, she can humbly ask her man for help in fixing this problem and with his help, she can figure out ways in which she can act that are more conscious and straightforward. Further, she can graciously and obediently accept discipline for her transgression, even if it is harsh and unexpected, knowing that the remembered unpleasantness will help her to avoid these acts in the future. Going forward, a humbled female can try hard to stay aware of and on top of her tendency to engage in any subversive behavior. She won’t assume that because she confessed to it once that it will never happen again. Instead, she’ll recognize that female nature is flawed in certain areas and always be on the lookout for recurrences of this behavior.
Deception of any sort toward the man she has sworn to obey is a very serious problem for a humbled female. It can indicate a great many things: that she doesn’t trust him; that she feels, however minor, some disrespect for his abilities to know her, own her, and control her; that she’s still testing him; or that she is unable or unwilling to get a grip on automatic, habitual, and destructive female behavior. Deception can be deadly to any relationship and if it is engaged in by a supposedly obedient female with the intent of turning the tables on her superior, it twists that relationship into a travesty and a lie. What started out as a heavenly way of existing becomes a living hell for the female who tries to assume the role of the puppet master. It is, as I’m sure many of you will concede after deep reflection, not a role worth taking up or continuing in the least.
December 23, 2012
Obedience, to me, is a living breathing thinking creature that, like any animal, interacts with its environment in complex ways. Deconstruction suggests tearing off the wings off a bird in order to learn how it flies. And that’s not a very “constructive” approach, is it? I don’t want to deconstruct living obedience in that sense but I do want to examine more closely what it is. I think that by understanding obedience better, I can better serve a man someday.
What inspired me to write this? Well, to be honest, certain discussions I read on the web really bother me. I cannot name who or where because when consulting management about writing this article, I was told to avoid “naming names,” but I can characterize them a bit. Maybe some of you have read similar threads and will know exactly what I am talking about.
In such threads, someone asks questions like these: What does it mean to serve a man? What does it feel like to you? How does it make you happy? How does it make you sad? Some women answer these questions with answers that seem superficially profound in their simplicity. But to me, such answers are more often profoundly meaningless. Take this response, for instance:
Being a man’s servant means to obey.
What makes me happy is to obey.
What makes me sad is to obey.
What makes me (anything) is to obey.
While everyone else seemed utterly awed by the elegant Zenness of this oversimplified proclamation, I was personally groaning in pain. I was so tempted to write back: Oh. Well. If that’s all there is to being a humble servant of one’s husband or master, then I might as well just kill myself and get it over with! To think all this time I believed that there was something more to obedience than “just obey!” So silly of me to think there might be something a little more complex, like thinking, involved!
I know, I’m being a little sarcastic. Maybe more than a bit! Responses like this just strike me as incredibly vapid, and I couldn’t believe that all those otherwise intelligent readers actually fell for it. Something in such writings must be incredibly tempting to inspire all of the blind head-nodding that went on in the thread. I now think I know what that something is. It’s the kind of idea, that, like any good slogan, inspires “feel good” emotions and entirely shuts off thought and the need to take action as well:
I just obey. Yep, indeedy I do! Now I can go back to sleep. Snore! I know that even in my sleep I am obedient because I just obey!
People like slogans precisely because these hypnotic phrases sound so right. Slogans do indeed allow people to “sleep” or coast unthinkingly on automatic through life while feeling at the same time that they are doing something great and wonderful. I don’t have to figure out anything, work at anything, overcome anything, or learn anything. I just…obey. And anybody can do that because everybody knows what obeying means, right? Well, not exactly.
You see, unless someone is living in a very predictable rut where everything always remains exactly the same and she habitually obeys the same set of orders over and over again with no variation, it seldom works out that “just obeying” is just, well, obeying. The thoughts and feelings a person has around the act affect it in ways that make it more than just the action of a simple machine. For a thinking, feeling woman, each act of obedience is different than the next. “Just obeying” may be fraught with doubt (can I even begin to do something like this?), confusion (did he really mean I should do it that way?), motivation (this seems tough, but I can do this, I can find a way!), and fantasy (Of course the great and wonderful me can do this. I can do anything I set my mind to. No Problemo!).
Unfortunately, by encouraging athletic-style “don’t think, let your body do it” advice toward something that often requires thought in order to be done best, it presents what should be (and is) a living, breathing process as something very flat and shallow, and subsequently, not very helpful for those attempting to get at the core of things where obedience is concerned.
Machines don’t think or feel so they don’t add any of this mental or emotional background color to the act. When you push the candy machine’s button, the candy drops down into the slot, provided you’ve added the right amount of money. But people aren’t vending machines, despite what Little Miss Just Obey suggests! People are far more complicated, and every act they do, whether they are aware of it or not, is laden with meanings, unconscious assumptions, attitudes, responses, associations, and all sorts of other mental and emotional overtones that change a simple melody into a complex (although sometimes cacophonous) symphony. It is that symphony that interests me. So without further ado, I’ll dive into it.
For me, obedience breaks down into three major components that, while separate, are also intimately related: the act of obedience itself, the mindset behind the act, and the consequences of the act. I’ve already discussed the idea of looking at just the act of obedience in isolation, so I’m going to move on to the next two elements.
It seems to me that why you obey and how you feel or what you think of as you obey are all very important elements. Some might argue that they do not matter, that “just obeying” is all that counts and in one sense they are right. When given an order from her man, a good woman obeys quickly, gracefully, and, if needed, with the appropriate degree of competence or skill. She does not argue back, balk, over-question, stall for time, ignore the command, present alternatives, or hesitate. I suspect that this is what the “Just Obey” crowd is trying to get at with their oversimplified Nike-like ad slogan. Unfortunately, by encouraging athletic-style “don’t think, let your body do it” advice toward something that often requires thought in order to be done best, it presents what should be (and is) a living, breathing process as something very flat and shallow, and subsequently, not very helpful for those attempting to get at the core of things where obedience is concerned.
In my experience, a mindset toward obedience is composed of a number of elements. Among the most important are:
Motivation, or why I obey. The reasons I obey and the attitudes that I bring toward the act of obedience.
Method, or how I obey. How I carry out the specific order. This can involve know-how and it can involve attitude.
Mood, or the feelings that arise when I obey. The feelings I have when first given the order and the emotional responses felt during its execution.
Why are these mental and emotional elements important? Because, invisible as they may be except to me, they have an impact. They color and shape my act of obedience. They change it, not just for me, but also for the one giving me the command.
A woman can obey for positive or for negative reasons. A positive reason to obey might be because she wants to please her man, make him happy in general or happy with her specifically. Another positive reason might be because she respects him and is honoring her word to obey him in all things, great and small. A negative reason to obey would be because she knows she can manipulate a man by doing so: make him think or feel or do what she wants with her obedience. Another negative reason could be because she is too terrified to do anything else. (This is not always bad, but if fear of a man is the only reason why she is obeying, it doesn’t strike me as a very strong basis for continued, lasting obedience.) A third negative reason to obey could be because a woman has turned her “perfect obedience” into an act of egotism. She obeys so she can feel superior in her mind and heart to those less obedient, not because she cares about how the man she serves is affected by her obedience.
The motivation behind one’s obedience affects the experience of obedience and what it personally feels like. Over time that can affect the consequences of obedient acts, but that’s jumping ahead a bit. I think it’s pretty clear that the motivations brought to an act of obedience change the experience of the act, at least for the person doing the obeying. And, over time, those experiences can become habitual. If a woman feels inordinately proud and superior each time she obeys a simple command, it becomes easier to feel that way the next time she obeys a command. As time passes, she becomes prouder and prouder, more entrenched in her own superiority over all those other women she sees who “can’t do it nearly as well as she does.” But she also becomes, at the same time, less and less attuned to the needs of the man she serves. She barely thinks of him and his happiness when she obeys—it’s all about her, ironically. It’s all about her growth, her superiority, her skills at obeying and being better than the others. She becomes an inward braggart.
On the other hand, if a woman obeys because her man’s happiness is everything to her and because it fills her with joy to see him satisfied and happy then the next time she obeys, she hopes to feel more of that joy. So she tries especially hard to satisfy him. Her focus on him and her exclusion of other factors (fear, doubts, pride, and blind, unthinking habit) makes her love him and want to serve him even better. It makes her pay attention to him and his needs rather than simply perform a mindless act. And that mindful attention likewise grows and grows.
Method is important, too. A woman can sweep the kitchen floor in a sloppy, fast, careless manner because she’s anxious to get back to her computer game or to her kinky social network where she can boast to others about how obedient she is and post the latest shots of her naked bod, all to garner attention…or she can sweep the floor correctly, slowly, skillfully, thinking about what she is doing, finding better ways to do it, careful to get the crumbs in the corners, able to set aside her other thoughts about what she’d rather be doing in order to focus totally on what she is actually doing. She’ll notice spots on the floor and stop to clean them with a mop or a sponge, instead of ignoring them because she’s been ordered to sweep only, not wash, and she’s in such a great hurry. She can be there in the moment, feeling her obedience, realizing that she cannot disobey anything her man tells her to do.
She can feel her obedience instead of being lost in a fantasy about something else. This helps her to realize that she feels good or bad based on how she performs even the simplest acts. Or she can be thinking instead about doing her nails or the TV show that’s coming on soon or how she’s going to handle herself at work the next day or what to get her son for his birthday, in other words, thinking about anything except the boring crumbs on the boring floor. Guess which floor will ultimately look better? And guess which mind will ultimately feel better and be better suited to obey the next time?
Sweeping the floor sounds like such a little thing, such a trivial thing, but if it’s an order given to you by the one you worship and obey, isn’t it highly important to perform it right? And if a woman doesn’t regard this as highly important, how can she possibly regard the one giving her the order as highly important?
Mood, I think, is something that might arise from motivation or method. It also, in turn, influences them. It’s an interactive thing. We all have experienced how mood affects performance. If you are anxious about something you’re much more likely to perform some nervous act that harms the outcome or even be too paralyzed to act at all. Ordinarily, a woman won’t feel overly anxious about what she does unless it is something new and unfamiliar, something she lacks confidence in doing, or unless she is brand new to submitting. But she will certainly feel other emotions in response to receiving an order or while obeying it. She may feel irritation, for instance—irritation at being interrupted while in the middle of doing something else (even something else for him) that she considers to be more important or more interesting. She may feel resentment because she is sick or in pain and here he is ordering her to do all this stuff despite how terrible she feels. She may feel eager, bored, curious, angry, expectant of a reward, discouraged, sleepy, happy, grumpy, drunkenly elated (I had to break up the seven dwarves metaphor!) or nothing much at all in response to the command. She may be shutting her feelings down because she believes that servants just mindlessly obey, they do not feel anything when they are obeying. Not if they’re doing it right, anyway.
Most women, by the time they realize they want to serve a man, come with a slew of habits and attitudes already formed. A skillful, controlling male will utilize the good habits/traits and burn or weed out the bad ones.
Why are feelings important when a woman is obeying? Because they color the experience, they make it pleasant or unpleasant, and these experiences, in turn affect how she feels the next time the order comes up. I might remember, for example, how I felt the last time I was ordered to cut my spending and that memory might slightly influence how I feel the next time I am told to cut my spending. I also think that the mood you are in when you do something influences how you do it and how well you do it. If I am distracted and stressed, my focus on the physical act is likely to be spottier than if I am relaxed, open, and just living in the moment. If I associate obeying an order with boredom, I’m going to tend to feel more and more bored each time I do it. Eventually, this may become a part of what I think of as my “root personality”: I am a person who is bored when performing menial tasks. This sort of stubborn attitude can, over the long run, get in the way of obedience. Nobody likes to feel bored and it’s natural to try to escape boredom, when possible.
The most immediate consequence of obedience for a woman is the response of her man. If she obeys well, with alacrity and skill, he will be pleased, or at very least content. She will not be scolded or punished. There will be no dreaded “little talk” later. If she obeys poorly, puts off the command, performs it in a half-hearted or incomplete manner, he may be displeased or disappointed with her. Depending upon the relationship, she might be punished for this, she might lose privileges, or experience other signs of his displeasure. One form of psychological punishment that is very hard for some women to bear is when the dominant man stops issuing the order entirely because he feels she is too incompetent, incapable, or unwilling. This can provoke tremendous guilt in a servant with a conscience. Strangely enough, it can also breed resentment against him:
How dare he feel I am not competent or capable simply because I screwed up this once! How dare he take this responsibility away from me?
But there are other consequences, too. One that I’ve already touched upon is the tendency for single acts, feelings, and thoughts to become habitual. If it feels good or if it feeds a hunger in someone, even if that hunger is not ultimately a good thing, they are likely to repeat it. Habits, over time, can become quite strong and even morph into rock-hard personality traits. Something that began as a single simple response to a single act can, with constant repetition, become hardened into an unchanging aspect of one’s personality. If that aspect is a good one that benefits the man a woman serves, that is good–great in fact! But if the response is a bad one that hinders, hurts, thwarts, or channels her obedience into something less savory, it can be a terrible or tragic thing if it becomes hardened into a habit.
Most women, by the time they realize they want to serve a man, come with a slew of habits and attitudes already formed. A skillful, controlling male will utilize the good habits/traits and burn or weed out the bad ones. How willing he is to do this second thing, this weeding of her mental garden, depends a lot on how negative and entrenched the habitual behavior is. Some females are beyond hope or help in this regard and it is tragic that they feel they must obey when these very hard, crystallized portions of their personalities prevent that obedience. A woman who is not in that situation, who is actively and happily serving a man, can look at her less-fortunate sisters, the females her man shudders over and says he’d never want them serving him, as examples of what she could become if she is not mindful about the formation of habits, particularly bad habits.
Another very important consequence of obedience is that if a woman obeys in the right fashion (usefully, helpfully, constructively) she can more easily spot it when she’s being disobedient, even in an attitude like boredom. Her sensitivity toward obedience becomes more finely tuned, more accurate, more detailed, and more wonderfully diverse, like diving into a fractal. The simple act of obedience through mindfulness becomes more and more enriched through complexity, not less so. In other words, she is learning. More each day. And her obedience and attitudes during obedience improve as a result. This starts an upward spiral, a momentum, that becomes difficult to derail or sabotage with negativity. Eventually, the serving woman may become so exquisitely conscious of what she is doing as she obeys that she can be said to be “just doing it” or “just obeying.” But she has earned, through her consciousness and critical attention to detail, the right to say she “just obeys,” because within those two simple words there is now in her mind a near-infinite universe of meaning. Most women who want to obey a man try to run before they can even crawl: they take the easy way out and never closely examine why they obey, how they obey, or what they feel when they obey. Instead, they adopt easy slogans, such as “I just obey.” They may obey, after a fashion, but that obedience is empty and meaningless compared to what it could be.
July 19, 2012
The Virtue Of Silence
By Jessica M.
To me, the old saying “Silence is Golden” has a special meaning. When I hear that phrase, I picture a beautiful glistening golden apple (or something else) stuffed firmly into the open mouth of a girl, like myself, who talks too much! I am often required in my relationship to accept my mouth being stuffed quiet often when I natter on a little too much. By doing so, I have learned a lot and become better at submitting and pleasing. You see, nothing but good has ever come from my curbing my tongue.
Do you have a problem with speaking too much? Or maybe the question should be: how do you know if you do this or not? Well, are you female? Then join the club! Seriously, if you answered “Yes” to the second question, the answer to the first (with some exceptions) is most likely Yes, too. We women are communicators. We love to talk and are often very good at it. But sometimes we can fall into a habit of speaking too much and then it becomes a vice, no matter how skillfully we may speak.
How do you speak to your dominant male? Do you tell him everything? Every little detail in your life? Are you constantly chatting with him in person, texting him, emailing him, telling him all the boring little things that are significant to you because they happen to you but mean nothing to other people? Do you initiate most conversations with him? Do you still ask huge piles of questions despite the fact that you are beyond the early question-and-answer phase of the relationship? Do you get mad when he doesn’t answer all your questions or seems to ignore some very important points you have made? Do you ever feel resentment over his seeming disinterest or lack of communication?
I ask these questions because that is how I used to feel about the man in my life. I fully admit it, I LOVE to talk. And he wants to know about me, so he listens carefully to me…the first man in my life to ever do that! But I found I was taking advantage of his good nature and willingness to listen. The more he listened, the more important I felt I and my issues were, and the more important I felt they were, the more I talked. It was a vicious cycle in which I considered my communications (every single one!) of prime importance and great value. Only golden nuggets fell from my tongue. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the more I talked, the less I listened to my Sir or even wanted to listen to him. It took a shocking incident to wake me up to what I was doing.
I have been living with this wonderful male in my life (I’ll refer to him as S.) for the last three years. Mostly, it has been a very happy three years. But something happened not too long after we started living together that, at the time, shocked me and deeply hurt my feelings. Later, however, I considered it one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned in my life. He told me, very bluntly and abruptly, that I was a chatterbox, that I was annoying him with my constant speech, and that I would need to learn to talk less. I was quite taken aback by his tone and also very ashamed.
Here’s how it happened. We had gone on a drive to the mountains. I was excited and happy to be on this trip and I had talked the ENTIRE time in the car.
Instead of behaving like the good submissive female I like to think that I am, I’d been one of those people I hate when I encounter them at parties and clubs: a self-centered bore, who can only speak about themselves.
I told him stories from my past, asked him questions about my role in his life (then sometimes interrupted his answers with my own responses!), commented on the scenery, on other drivers, and generally (I thought) tried to entertain him. A few times he tried to break in and say something but I ignored him and spoke louder and faster, continuing with the subjects that interested me. I didn’t see this as rude; to me I was just “finishing a thought.” Each time I did this he fell silent and let me keep speaking. I didn’t think anything of it at the time…I was just gratified to be able to keep on speaking about what interested me or what I thought he “needed” to hear.
Later, after we checked into our cabin and had dinner, he built a fire and we both sat in front of it, gazing at the flames. For the first time that day, I was quiet. I felt happy, I’d had a chance to say everything on my mind and I was certain that what I had to say had entertained and, yes, “enlightened” my Sir. We had both fallen silent. “May I speak now?” he asked suddenly, into that silence. He asked this softly but with a menacing tone. “Um, of course, Sir!” I said, feeling obedient and happy to hear what he had to say. That’s when he laid out my bad behavior for me to see. It felt like he was dissecting me on a surgical tray. He pointed out in great detail that each time he had tried to interrupt my nonstop dialog in the car, I had overridden him. He asked me, “What sort of behavior is this? Is this how a good, obedient girl who adores her Sir and hangs on his every word behaves?” He continued to rake me over the coals like this for quite a while, and the more he spoke, the more mortified I felt. I saw my egotistical and self-absorbed behavior. After my slightly knee-jerk resistance to his words, I started to cry. I saw how I had been oblivious to him and to what he wanted of me.
My constant talking on this trip and at many other times with him was all about me: my concerns, my issues, my opinions, my perceptions, and each one I regarded as this precious pearl, something deeply valuable that I was giving him. It never occurred to me that with my constant talk all I might have been giving him was a headache! I felt so ashamed that night. Instead of behaving like the good submissive female I like to think that I am, I’d been one of those people I hate when I encounter them at parties and clubs: a self-centered bore, who only talks about themselves. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole that night. What was wrong with me? Where had my interest in Him gone? Where had my awe of him, my respect, my love of listening to his wisdom gone? When had I substituted telling him things he “needed” to hear for listening to his wisdom and hanging on his every word?
S. and I have continued to discuss this issue since that eye-opening night by the fire. He has forgiven me for my self-centered blabbermouth ways but insisted I start to change my behavior around him to a more respectful form. In particular I’ve had to become more sensitive to him, to hearing and seeing HIM, not hearing or seeing myself as reflected in him. He is not my captive audience there to gratify my need to speak. He is my Sir and the love of my life. I think I’ve learned a few things about silence and submission since that time and I’d like to share some of these with other girls, because I know that, being female, we all love to talk, particularly about ourselves. While this may not be an important issue for most women, a woman who desires to humble herself before a man she loves and admires may find her constant desire to communicate works against that goal, actually. In fact, she may find, as I did, that this need to constantly speak is her worst enemy. Here are some points about speaking and silence that I’ve been trying to absorb since that night at the cabin:
Is it hard to realize how much you talk until someone points it out?
Even if it feels terrible, don’t bite their heads off for doing so because they are actually doing you a favor! I didn’t notice how much I dominated the conversations I had with S., until he pointed it out. To me it felt like filling a void. He was silent, so I should speak. I even prided myself that this self-centered behavior was obedient and useful. I had no idea of what an annoying person I was becoming. Thank God S. gave me a heads up and showed me how I looked through his eyes.
You don’t own your master or sir, he owns you.
What I mean by this point is that he is not there for my convenience and gratification. I am there for his, because I serve him and not the other way around. And I can’t be there for him if I’m so self-absorbed that I make everything about me. A woman who talks or texts constantly and without letup about herself thinks it’s all about her. She has forgotten that she is there in the relationship to give her man pleasure and benefits. He isn’t there to serve her need for an appreciative audience!
When you finally shut up and just listen to your man, you learn many useful things.
But when all I do is talk obsessively I learn nothing. In fact, I am, deep inside, putting myself in the role of the “teacher,” the one with all the answers, the one who should always be speaking. What a frightful arrogance that is for any woman, but particularly for a woman who considers herself obedient and modest. When you fall silent, when you leave pauses in the conversation or write short emails that are about him or ask him questions, you give him a chance to speak of the things that he finds interesting and important.
In silence, you can remember why you serve and you can recover, as I did, your awe of his wisdom and love for his communications.
My Sir, when he desires, fills those pauses, those empty spots, but often only if I leave them for him. I am often surprised by what he tells me in these times. I have been quite surprised by what I didn’t know about S.—and may never have known if I’d continued in my non-stop train-wreck style of speech. In silence, you can remember why you serve and you can recover, as I did, your awe of his wisdom and love for his communications.
Men, in general, do not like to spend their lives listening to a non-stop talking woman or have constant conversations with one.
Women love to communicate with words. Men are a little different. They use other means to communicate besides talking or they enjoy just being themselves and doing stuff, not constantly analyzing and gossiping about petty nonsense. It makes sense to me that a woman who respects her man will use his style of communication, which is often “less is more.”
We can talk too much online.
Initially, when S. was teaching me how to control my constant desire to tell him every little detail about myself, he told me to use online socializing as an outlet, to pour out what I think might be unnecessary to tell him on Facebook, Fetlife, Twitter, and places like that. So I poured. And poured. And poured. Stuff about me rained out of my mouth and onto the virtual pages of these networks. Perhaps you can guess what happened next. I got obsessed with “pouring.” I started to live every spare moment I had online, responding to people, posting interesting (I thought) things that would get them to respond back to me, lapping up all the attention for being an online socialite. I was very well liked, had hundreds of friends, and people (mostly women but also a few chatty men) who responded to me as much as I responded to them.
I think that online relating is a good temporary Band-Aid for a woman who talks too much. It channels that avalanche of speech in another direction and often gives her man a much-needed breather! But in the long run it may encourage her tendency to be self-centered, which I think is at the heart of talking too much. Later, when S. began to wean me off such places, I found it REALLY hard to be denied my social network fix. But as I started to talk less in those places, I began to notice how much everybody else (well, the women, anyway) constantly talked about themselves or their ideas, but never really listened to others, except in the most shallow of ways designed only to get someone to pay more attention to them. I saw myself in their behavior. I had been acting in exactly the same way.
“Transparency” can be used as an excuse for boring our men to death.
Based on my own experience, I conclude it’s very easy to become obsessed with yourself as a submissive or a slave. Initially our sirs want to know all about us. They need that knowledge in order to control us. And they need this information to be good data, not false or selective facts. So transparency is encouraged to combat the desire to be secretive about the things we don’t want him to know. But with me sometimes transparency got confused with telling him every little thing I thought of as soon as I thought of it. It became a tool of my ego to get more attention. I was very guilty of this in the beginning because S. encouraged me to talk openly and not hide anything from him, no matter how far out it was, no matter how much I wanted to hide it. But I took it too far because I made no distinction between what he needed to know and what I wanted to tell him. To me, these two very different things were one and the same! It nearly reached the point where I thought that forgetting to tell him I’d had a bowel movement that day was “non-transparent!” Definitely a case of TMI.
When you talk or write too much you may not realize it is a problem. The best way to realize how much you do it is to stop it, completely, for a while.
My Sir has given me practices to do at various times to help me become aware of my tendency to over-talk. I’d like to describe a few of these.
Sometimes I have a day where I may not speak unless spoken to. He always chooses a day when he’s going to be physically present the whole time and he tells me I can signal him for permission to speak…but only if it is absolutely urgent and cannot wait. During those days he’ll check on me, he’ll ask me questions or he’ll say something then add, “you may speak” to the end, but I am required to keep my responses short and modest. Also, I don’t respond at all if not given permission.
Or we may have a “doggy speech” day: I can say one “arf” for yes and two “arfs” for no, and that is it. For the entire day! Again, I have a signal I can use if it’s a dire emergency or something that will really hurt him not to know at that time: I can turn my back to him and (blush) “wag my tail.”
At still other times he has randomly (he never warns me when he is going to do this) ordered me to stay offline for one or more days. I can still read, but I cannot respond to others or initiate conversations with them. I may be in the middle of an engrossing conversation in emails, too. Too bad. I cannot speak, even to tell others that I’m going to be missing for a few days.
There are more such exercises. (S. is very creative!) There are two points to doing them, he’s said: one is for me to practice self-restraint and learn to control my speech. The other is for me to observe how I feel when I am denied speech: to watch how my ego squirms and wiggles, trying to find some way to express itself, to get others to pay attention to me.
Talking too much is deeply disrespectful.
I know I mentioned this before, but this one is SO important. I think someone may have mentioned it in the forums here, too. It’s a sign that your ego is very “unaligned” with his, that you consider yourself and your interests, obsessions, fears, worries, ideas, whatever, far more important than him and his communications. This is the primary lesson S. has taught me: that when I am constantly blabbing away, whether to him or others but especially to him, I am usually not paying enough attention to him and what he wants. It is only by falling silent (for longer than a few seconds, that is!) that I start to think about what he wants, wonder what he is thinking, and desire to learn more about him.
Friendly chit-chat can quickly turn into bitchy, negative speech that is very ugly in a female who claims to be humbled.
Often I did this sort of speech with the people I considered my enemies, like strangers online who said something I didn’t like, who insulted me or my Sir, or who just said something I thought was really stupid. It is so easy for females to become nagging bitches or sly, bitter antagonists of anybody else that they consider “the enemy.” The bigger your ego gets, the more likely you are to do this, and you may not even notice the extent that you apply your words, like razor blades.
S. has given me “exercises” in this area as well. When I’ve complained bitterly to him about how dumb something written online was, he sometimes orders me to write the poster a supportive, positive response to it, even if he agrees it is dumb and wrong! He reads these responses before I post them and if he senses any hint of negativity, sarcasm, or my ego trying to score points in any other way, I am punished and then have to write a new response. We don’t do this one often, but it is one of the most interesting and hard exercises he’s had me do. It’s been interesting because it’s taught me to look at an issue from another perspective, to really be in that person’s shoes, no matter how much you hate being there. It is useful to be able to see something from another person’s point of view. But, to be honest, I really hate doing this. Sometimes the points of view he tells me to support are so… words escape me! And since they have, I think it is more than time I end this essay! (smiles and puts golden apple back in its proper place)
Learning to curb your tongue is a life-long process.
S. just read my essay and ordered me to add one more point. Some women might think when they read this piece that I have “arrived,” that I know how to speak less and am super skilled at controlling my tongue. Unfortunately, the urge to over speak never seems to fully go away, at least in me, and I think that controlling my speech is a life-long process and not something I will ever have perfect control over. When I wrote this, for example, he was away on a business trip. It was just for a couple of days, but I missed him deeply. Although I have learned a lot about speaking less and making my words count when I do speak, I still forget at times, particularly when I am anxious, hyper, or experiencing some other distracting emotion. So yesterday, I wrote him dozens of emails. Literally, dozens. Most were short, but a few were longer. Most were trivial: they were about the things I was doing for him while he was away and asking him questions about them, but as I re-read them this morning, I saw that many were unnecessary. He had been responding to every single one, so I guess I felt that was giving me permission to bug him even more and with ever-more trivial things. Ahem.
Here’s an example: it was very hot over the weekend and His condo home became dangerously overheated, despite the fact that the air conditioning was working fine. It just wasn’t strong enough to combat the heat. I told S. about this in one of my many emails. He ordered me not to bake or broil in the oven as that seemed to contribute to the really bad overheating. So I avoided that but couldn’t resist asking him in email if I could pan-fry some chicken for five minutes. Sometimes it’s important to ask your sir clarifying questions about something that is important, but this was a silly one that a little thought on my own could have solved. He knows I use the stove top to heat water for tea or soup. He had not forbidden my use of it during the heat wave. So using it for a few minutes to pan-fry chicken was probably not something I needed to ask him. But not only did I ask him but I felt anxious and flustered when he didn’t respond immediately with directions about this trivial issue. Upon reflection, I believe this was my ego again, hard at work trying to get more and ever more attention and feeling frustrated when its ploy failed. I have noticed that when S. gives me more attention than usual, I seem to want even more. It’s like an unending hunger! That is why I think that, for a woman, learning to curb the tongue is an ongoing endeavor—once which will never be “complete” in her life so long as she can make words.
June 25, 2012
The 4th Element
By Nina E.
I have found that consensual slavery, like many other institutions and undertakings in life, runs decently on three basic fuels: hope (or desire), fear (or avoidance of pain/negative consequences), and repetition (or habituation). Each of these elements plays a role in keeping a slave enslaved. This isn’t theoretical mumbo jumbo I’m just tossing out of my brain, however. My life in serving and pleasing men has given me ample opportunity to reflect upon the core things I feel are necessary to make no-nonsense servitude work and function reliably without imploding in upon itself. I purposefully left love for one’s master out of the equation because, while it is a powerful mover, it’s not always necessary within all possible situations and scenarios. I also think it’s beneficial sometimes to put the haze of love aside and focus upon other elements that aren’t spoken of as much, but are just as important. I believe these elements are as follows:
Hope / Desire / Needs / Wants / Wishing / The “Carrot”
All of these words are synonyms for the same thing: the urge to experience or possess happy, beneficial things in one’s life. Hope, or looking forward to something good, is a very strong motivator. It increases a slave’s effort and energy output, and, if she is being managed right, this means the master will benefit as well from those efforts made in the name of hope or desire for better things, including her own self-improvement.
If over-emphasized, however, (and in most “master and slave” relationships that I see there is an inordinate amount of emphasis placed on the “slave’s” desires and their satisfaction), it can warp slavery beyond recognition into a selfish, mercenary rewards/barter/exchange institution: “I’ll perform oral service beautifully, Master, and not be all glum and depressed and do a half-assed job at it if you let me buy that lovely dress from Caché I crave. After all, I don’t crave it for myself—I just want to look nice for you out in public.” The words I just quoted are never said aloud, obviously. They may not even be conscious thoughts. Nevertheless, they describe a very real attitude and an unspoken agreement between many a “master” and his “slave.”
Fear / Repercussions / Discipline / Pain Avoidance / Punishment / The “Stick”
Fear, in humans, is an extremely powerful motivator. Pain, whether emotional or physical, hurts, and no matter how masochistic we are, someone clever can always find a type of pain or even just a type of non-painful but extremely boring or annoying experience that we will never wish to experience again.
If punishment is overdone, it can result in a below-par slave who performs to meet basic requirements only out of fear.
Pain, or other negative consequences, when associated with knowledge of the thing that we did to bring on the pain, is an extremely powerful motivator. Human minds work by association, by making connections between this thing and that thing, between one time and another time. Associating pain with a consequence of an activity or attitude that one should not engage in makes a powerful and lasting connection in a slave’s mind between something adverse she does not wish to experience to a behavior or attitude that her master wants changed. If reinforced and applied regularly, “the stick” permanently changes the slave’s behavior to a more desirable form.
If punishment is overdone, it can result in a below-par slave who performs to meet basic requirements only out of fear. Such performance is very limited and curtailed, often quite insufficient for the complex tasks that humans must do, because the slave becomes afraid to go beyond the safe boundaries of behavior or thinking that do not elicit pain, to make on-the-spot decisions that are required in complex undertakings, to act spontaneously, or take risks of any kind. A constantly fearful slave can be boring to be around and even disappointing if other elements–such as human companionship, advice, ideas, humor, even love–are also desired from her. Unless reveling in brutality is the only objective, fear needs to be balanced with other means of control.
Repetition / Getting Used to It / Conditioning / Brainwashing / Addiction / Ritual / The “Habit”
The third common element in most working human institutions, including slavery, is habituation. Do something enough times, say something enough times, think something enough times and it becomes a thing that you will do more, think about more, accept more and more as normal. The life of a slave who is really treated as a slave can be quite hard at times, but people can get used to pretty much anything that does not kill them. Habituating her to this life and influencing her to accept it as the only way of living is not done through brute force, unless you don’t mind losing everything else that you lose when you completely break down a human being. The quiet, smooth way to insure there is acceptance in the slave of her lot in life is the way of repetition, propaganda, conditioning the slave’s mind to accept your reality for her as not only normal, but as the only way to live, the desired way to live. This process is built alongside the other, less desirable aspects of her personality that she brings to the table, and eventually, when the work is done, supplants them. Doing this sort of long-term complex reconstruction successfully and without unwanted side effects emerging requires skill, considerably more skill than simple manipulations of the straightforward animal urges of desire and avoidance.
Often conditioning or habituation fails because the master simply lacks the knowledge or techniques to carry through with it correctly. All the information that is needed to do this is out there, but finding the right information and then applying it correctly (that is, not as a rigid “one size fits all” formula but as an individual prescription based upon the idiosyncrasies of the “patient”) can take considerable time and study. Blunderers in this area tend to lose their slaves or, often without realizing it, to corrupt them to a lower level of service such as the gimme-gimme-gimme desire-based “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” service described above.
These three fuels–hope, fear, and repetition–are enough to keep a slave running at a lower-than-it-could-be but steady and decent level of performance, particularly if they are balanced with one another and one element not over-stressed. However, in consensual slavery, which is the type that is most experienced today and the type of which I speak, another, rarer element can come into play that adds an extra dimension and transforms the merely adequate into the sublime. It’s an element that has to arise entirely out of the slave’s own mind and motivations. Unlike the three elements discussed earlier, this isn’t something that a master can do to her or directly influence or help her with. All he can do, if he is capable of this, is to be the sort of person who inspires her to develop this trait.
The Other Element
Picture hope, fear, and repetition as three lines that comprise an equilateral triangle. The three, when thus connected, provide an extremely stable, two-dimensional base. It is a base from which much can be built. The fourth element, however, is not another point on that base plane, it’s a point in an entirely different direction: depth. If you think of it as above the three and in the dead center of the triangle they form, you have the apex of a pyramid.
Above all else, the desire to give is an impulse or personality characteristic that someone may start feeling at a very early age and, when this is so, they will not feel right or fulfilled in life until they can express it fully. Ordinary life and ordinary relationships (including most that call themselves master/slave) provide very little outlet for expressing this urge and a person who has it often finds life pretty meaningless and pointless as a result.
This fuel is hard to describe because as soon as you start to talk about it, readers automatically associate it with commoner and coarser experiences (such as romantic love) that have very little to do with it and are not the same thing at all but are quite dramatic and fun to experience. That’s probably what’s going to happen here, as well, but we will have to try to describe it, nonetheless. It involves a calm and almost–but not quite–unemotional desire to give to others, to see others benefit and an equal disregard for whether you benefit or not at the same time (basically, you already know that you will benefit because this attitude fulfills you). It involves taking a quiet joy in seeing someone else gain something of value, feel pleasure or happiness, enjoy some aspect of their lives. You “love” or “care” (I use these buzz words hesitantly as they immediately give the overly-romantic the wrong impression) far more about another’s pleasure, benefit, and safety than you do for your own.
Above all else, the desire to give is an impulse or personality characteristic that someone may start feeling at a very early age and, when this is so, they will not feel right or fulfilled in life until they can express it fully. Ordinary life and ordinary relationships (including most that call themselves master/slave) provide very little outlet for expressing this urge and a person who has it often finds life pretty meaningless and pointless as a result. It’s just jumping from one transitory and perhaps pleasant but utterly meaningless pleasure to the next. But as soon as such a person finds herself in a context in which she can unselfishly, unstintingly, and constantly give to someone or provide benefit to something significant to her, she feels at home, she feels as though she has arrived, she senses that she is finally doing what she has needed to do all of her life. Life becomes vivid again, adventurous, deeply gratifying, and worth living.
The fourth element is an urge that some calling themselves slaves have never experienced before (or even desired to experience) but as soon as they hear about it associated with slavery (a state they have managed to poisonously entwine with the tendrils of their metastasizing egos), they will arrogantly and automatically assume in their own minds that they, since they are such superb slaves, are already full to the brim with this meritorious trait. Those who genuinely experience this impulse do not normally associate it with merit or other self-aggrandizing concepts. If anything, they see it as something being given to them, a great boon, bestowed upon them by their masters–for indeed, given the dearth of contexts in ordinary life to experience the impulse to give selflessly, that is what it is. Some people spend decades looking for such a context.
In the right context, the urge to give selflessly without hope or thought of personal reward will grow, slowly and quietly, until it fills an obedient servant’s world. At the same time, the other person, the one whom she so desires to please and give to, slowly becomes all she sees, all that exists. She doesn’t feel much emotion associated with this, no maudlin sense of “deep self-sacrifice,” certainly no sense of loss at all (if anything, she feels great gain), no dramatic awareness of herself as a great martyr or a most wonderful, saintly person. It embarrasses and disturbs her, in fact, when the poisonous flattery and confused misinterpretations of sycophants describe her in this way. She simply feels a deep satisfaction: she feels as though she is doing what she was always meant to do, like a part in a car that works well because it fits perfectly in that particular car and is no longer being stuck into cars it was not designed for!
In a sense, her self starts to cease to exist, she starts to not experience herself, to not be aware of herself as a separate entity with separate needs from those of her master’s, to even lose consciousness of herself. But this isn’t the nothingness of some imagined hazy Zen satori. Instead, as she is emptying herself of her “self,” her now less-full awareness is being filled–to the very brim–with him: his needs, what makes him satisfied, what brings him the best benefit, his attitudes (which she adopts as her own), his goals. She identifies so closely with her master that she forgets herself. It is not particularly painful; it is not (except at brief moments) enlightened bliss, either, it simply is a practical fact of her experience– kind of like the sensation of wearing shoes and socks. It’s just there.
The fourth fuel, if it burns at all (it is rare, and, despite the lip-service of the egotists, seldom experienced by most calling themselves slaves, as it gets confused with the baser emotions of romantic, transaction-based love), is generated almost entirely by the slave and, as mentioned earlier, all the master can do to encourage its growth is be the sort of man who inspires this level of selflessness. This is not at all insignificant: it just represents a more passive form of involvement than the other three elements require. The trait, does, however, still need to be managed by a master who notices it arising. The giving urge is often indiscriminate (it can even be foolish) and thus requires direction into the desired channels and instructions about its use. A master who has experienced similar urges is in an ideal position to provide such instruction, whereas a man who has only been a master is blind in a sense: he is often not even aware that his slave might have these urges let alone need his help with their cultivation and direction. This can leave a slave with this nature in a very lonely spot.
A wise master manages the desire to selflessly give and serve by steering it toward the goals he wants to achieve and the attitudes he wishes to see in the slave; by educating her about what pleases him and what doesn’t; and by encouraging those acts of selflessness that he approves of and discouraging those that, while equally giving, are not what he desires—whether at that specific time—or ever. The slave does her part by graciously, quietly, and pragmatically (that is, without umbrage, denial or other defensive egotistic responses to correction or “oh my god, I suck big time” drama) accepting this direction and incorporating it into her actions and thoughts.
Where does such a process lead, ultimately? I don’t think this is a process that ever really ends—egotistic urges and the false personality that springs from them are far too clever and entrenched in most individuals to be completely rooted out—but by slow degrees the slave’s service improves and she becomes a more valuable and pleasant possession for her master. By setting her sights on the far horizon, by aiming her for perfection, she easily reaches the actual goal he desires for her, be it 5, 50, or 500 miles down the road of life.
May 8, 2012
A Tangled Web: Self-Deception in Submission
By Nina E.
“She who knows herself, knows her Lord.”
A few years ago, I was looking for a new master. I’d recovered enough from the loss of my first master that I felt ready to move on with my life. Like many women in my position, I chose to look for someone online, because that opened my search up to a much broader spectrum of people. I’d been “off the slave block” for a very long time, but I remembered how I and my former master used to help others look for capable men and thought this know-how would serve me well. That was my first mistake.
I met a man on a kink personals site who was charming and stimulating and seemed to want a real-life slave, but he quickly shunted me into a very limited routine of online chats which, while supportive and quite enjoyable, lacked something. He did not speak much about direction, plans, or visions. But he called me his slave girl and he was so warm and friendly, and I was so starved for attention after many cold years alone that I decided this was just another “style” of mastery. Mistake number two.
He limited our communications to chat windows and texting in online games or virtual worlds. Over the two years I was to know him, I only heard his voice three or four times. I’d often long for some “meaty” answers to the extensive emails I wrote him, but none were forthcoming, although he would promise to answer. Again I attributed this to his “style,” which was light and humorous. But the result was that I never knew how he really felt or thought about anything important. Finally, he made plans to meet me on numerous occasions but each time that moment drew close, he had some very reasonable excuse for not doing so. I chose to believe he was either “testing” me or his luck was phenomenally bad. How many mistakes are we at now?
After two years, I was at my wits’ end, and expressed my frustration to him frankly. He was angry and offended that I did not trust him. Even then, I was willing to keep going with him. But I decided to ask three other friends I trusted what they thought.
But self-deception is a slippery beast: it can easily slide into our assumptions without our noticing it. Therefore, knowing the nature and quality of one’s own ability to self-deceive is extremely important to women who desire to be obedient, loving servants of their men.
They were unanimous in their opinions: he was stringing me along and had no intention of ever being anything more than a cyber mirage. I might have been able to deny one person’s opinion on this. But three of the smartest people I knew were all saying the same thing. And so, as hard as it was, I finally admitted to myself the truth: I’d spent the last two years deceiving myself that this relationship was going somewhere.
Self-deception is very tricky largely because nobody wants to believe they are capable of it. It’s not a trait that one can ever fully declare “dead,” however. It arises from the darkness of your unconscious, like a vampire, to suck at your honest spirit when you least expect it. But unlike a vampire, self-deception doesn’t announce its presence with a bite on the neck; it’s a problem made even more serious because it’s so hard to accurately observe and identify when under its spell. Let’s face it, no woman desiring to please a man or trying to find a man to please likes to think of herself as intentionally deceptive or as not knowing her own mind. But self-deception is a slippery beast: it can easily slide into our assumptions without our noticing it. Therefore, knowing the nature and quality of one’s own ability to self-deceive is extremely important to women who desire to be obedient, loving servants of their men. Being honest and providing accurate information is so important in these relationships, but someone confused about what she really wants or what she is actually doing may provide inaccurate feedback to her male, and his plans for her will suffer as a result. This may, in turn, prevent the already surrendered woman from transforming herself, with her male’s help, into a better servant and helpmate. As my own story clearly demonstrates, self-deception can also prevent an unpartnered woman from finding the special sort of man that she needs.
A woman who is convinced she knows herself fully and is completely honest to others about her nature when this is not actually the case will frequently seek out a man willing to agree with her faulty self-assessment. The dominant male/submissive female couples that result are often nothing but mutual admiration societies in which the tacit rule is “I will accept everything that you say about yourself if you accept everything that I say about myself.” No growth, no progression, no change is possible in such relationships, although they may be filled with a certain sort of happiness and contentment. It feels quite good, after all, not to be questioned or challenged in disturbing ways.
But what feels good isn’t always what’s best for us. Aligning only with the pleasant lies we sell ourselves doesn’t allow us room to evolve. There’s another word for this condition: stagnation. Think of a small pond of completely still water that is never refreshed from a spring or river. Plants start to decay within it, microbes flourish, a scum grows over the surface that prevents oxygen from mixing with the water. The stagnant mental and emotional ponds that certain couples embody are sometimes the consequence of extreme self-deception working in both parties. They’ve mutually decided that, together, they know it all. If you live in the happy land of “Know It All,” you don’t have to worry about growing, changing, challenging your assumptions, and other potentially uncomfortable activities. That is its immense appeal, and the majority of people cannot resist that appeal. But a deeply submissive woman who desires or is with a demanding male must resist becoming a smug and staid Know-It-All, because her lord and master will be constantly insisting she change and grow for him.
Thus, she is, due to the nature of her self-deception, vulnerable to being drawn toward another type of man, the type who, while putting on a good act of independent dominance, is willing to approach her first and pay her homage by indirectly stroking her ego like some people pet a pussycat.
Because self-deception is so prevalent in us all and so difficult to spot from within, I’ve provided a few realistic examples of it in action below, in the hopes that reading about the ways others deceive themselves will aid recognition of it in one’s own self. These are common situations that affect women who want to fully serve or who are already serving a man.
Some women believe they deserve the best of dominant men, the crème de la crème, simply because they feel submissive and that means, in their Holy Bible of Self Worth, that their submissiveness, simply because they are feeling it, is far better than anybody else’s submissiveness. A woman may not say this directly to herself, but she knows in her heart that she is the very best: That there has never been another submissive woman like herself and never will be again. If a male who catches her eye doesn’t pay her the level of attention she feels is her due, if he doesn’t come to her and court her after she coyly and nonchalantly makes sure he is aware of her presence, then she acts like the fox in the fable who made himself feel better by claiming, falsely, that the grapes he couldn’t reach by his own efforts were “undoubtedly sour.” This sort of female decides that dominant men who do not worship at her personal altar are not worth having, despite the fact that such a man is probably the only one free and independent enough to actually tame her.
Thus, she is, due to the nature of her self-deception, vulnerable to being drawn toward another type of man, the type who, while putting on a good act of independent dominance, is willing to approach her first and pay her homage by indirectly stroking her ego like some people pet a pussycat. It’s hard for a woman with a top-heavy self-opinion to resist that treatment. No matter how much modesty and humility she gives lip service to, inside she believes that a “perfect” dominant man will, first and foremost, recognize her own incredible excellence in submission. If a man comes along who is willing to bow to her egotistical rule that the male must always show the first signs of interest (although, ideally, cleverly hidden behind a dominant veneer) then Boom! It’s love at first sight, because she did not have to lose face (or faith in her religion of Self) by approaching him first, with trembling humility. The relationship has been founded on her ego’s demands, not on her ability to bend and humble herself before a man’s will. These are also the rocks upon which it will flounder…sooner or later.
This woman is in a predicament of her own making and she can’t really do much about such a situation except live through it since she is presently committed to a path of denial. But she’ll likely be so busy being a smug and complacent half of the perfect master-slave couple that she won’t mind doing so, at least for many years. Time and fate, however, may throw some hard curve balls her way and harsh events have a way of opening one’s eyes to the reality of one’s situation. Later in life, she may find herself starting at square one again: looking for a new master. Maybe, after going through a personal hell or two, she’ll be lucky enough to realize that there is some merit in begging for attention from the type of man that she really needs rather than assuming that he must come begging to her first. Therein lies her sole hope, if she is sincere about her submission.
Some submissive women are naturally self-effacing and observe themselves with some degree of honesty due to this trait. Unlike Miss “Entitled-To-The-Best,” there is no question in such a woman’s mind that she has defects, some of them quite pernicious, and she tries to improve them. It’s quite possible she is already in a relationship with a man capable and knowing enough to help her with this improvement. This is all very good; in fact, it’s a great base from which to work on oneself.
But even in optimal situations such as this, things can go wrong. Sometimes there are hidden secrets in such women’s souls, tender areas that they hide from themselves and thus from their masters. When an observant man points out one of these areas, the woman may find herself rejecting his observation violently in her mind. She may diffidently say, “Yes, Sir” to his observations, but inwardly she is seething in rebellion and rejecting the thought: “No! That’s not how I am at all! My faults are this and this, not THAT! He just doesn’t ‘get me’!” Or even worse, paranoid suspicion might set in: “Since I know this can’t possibly be true about me, I can only conclude that he is saying this to intentionally hurt me, even destroy me.”
When these sorts of thoughts occur, the submissive woman is experiencing pride. While it’s not full-blown pride but rather a little hidden island of pride connected to an area of her personality she was unaware of or repressing, it still has some very bad effects. She has, for instance, temporarily decided that her privileged position inside her own mind makes her far a better observer of her own flaws than somebody outside it, even if that somebody is her master. (Actually, those outside ourselves are almost always in a better position to see our issues more clearly than we are, ourselves.) The false belief that one is the sole expert on oneself seems rational and logical, but at heart it is close-minded, protective of the ego, and deeply disrespectful to one’s master.
What someone in this situation needs to realize is how very hard it is for her to see herself clearly from her highly subjective and biased perspective at the “center of the storm.” She needs to remember that her master is also her teacher and will guide her truly in this matter. He can be trusted when she cannot—due to a very tricky ego—trust herself. This is such a wonderful thing to be able to reply upon! And if the man in her life is consistently accurate in his assessments of her, then what he says is likely to be the truth, even if she doesn’t like it. When a woman detects a strong level of inner resistance to her master’s observations, this is a clear sign that she needs to wholly embrace what he is saying in order to avoid the trap of pride.
Resistance to Change
It is easy for people to get settled into habits or certain ways of doing things. These ways feel familiar and pleasant, everything runs smoothly, they know what to do and when to do it. But a woman who completely submits to her man, particularly one who has vowed to do “anything” for him, must prepare herself for times when routine is shattered and she is required do things she has never done before. When a submissive woman is faced with change it can fill her with insecurity or fear of failing. Even the most obedient may resist change, perhaps not overtly, but by putting off the execution of the new practice and continuing to engage in the old behavior. A submissive woman serving a weak or confused male can sometimes string him along for weeks or months with a subtle form of procrastination. If the man is self-aware and alert, however, he may give her a short period to time in which to adjust, but eventually he will put his foot down and say, “Do it NOW.” It’s at this point that a more subtle form of self-deception can occur: the temptation to create some drama around the change, just to avoid doing it, may be irresistible.
Where is the self-deception in this situation? It is around the most essential facts of the relationship, actually. The slave has forgotten in her state of distress (or whatever form her drama takes) that her master is her lord and ruler and that his will must be obeyed completely, without hesitation or angst-filled “I just can’t bear to do this!” moments. She can bear it because she must, because it is required of her by the man she both deeply worships and trusts with her soul. She may say to herself, “But I do so very much for him! Surely he could bend just a little in light of my overall service!” This is what a woman in a relationship of equals would think. She would feel she “deserved” some slack in an area that was distressing to her because she had “earned” such consideration.
Since slaves don’t earn a paycheck for their servitude, what she should actually be thinking in this situation is the converse: “He does so very much for me, he has brought me along so very far, made me such a better person. And yet, I want to refuse him this one small thing, to the point where I consciously choose to mistrust him rather than submit to his will. How much more ungrateful can I get?” She should consider how much she owes him, particularly in light of his mercy toward her and how he deserves her best service and compliance in all things, including this.
It’s mind-bogglingly easy for those of us who engage in online socializing to feel superior to others. The larger an online space is and the more people it draws, the more one will see others whose ideas, when compared to one’s own level of knowledge or experience, seem sorely lacking. Additionally, the bigger a kinky online social site, the more likely a woman is to draw random interest from men. It’s easy for the submissive woman, lost in the giddy online high generated by all this attention, to forget that in regular life far fewer men, if any, approach her. In scoffing at the “stupid idiots” who post online it’s also easy to forget that, in ordinary life, the people around her include a great many who are a lot smarter than herself. But online, it’s another world, full of seemingly stupid people she can feel superior to and hundreds of misguided men willing to bend over backward for her if she so much as posts a picture of herself. It’s hard for any woman not to get a swelled head from this. But for a woman who deeply desires to serve a strong man, resisting this effect is an absolute necessity.
When a submissive woman buys into the myth of her own “superiority” based on these online observations, she becomes strongly invested in self-deception. In order to feel superior to others she must forget, even if only temporarily, what she really is, which is usually an ordinary person perhaps working in an ordinary job or pursuing a satisfying but very standard course of study. She works with or attends classes with others far brighter and more beautiful than herself. But online, it’s so different! There, she is a Star, a Very Important Person. “Big and Important” disease can easily and quickly progress to a lethal stage: An Extremely Arrogant Know-It-All Shrew Who, Despite Claiming She is Submissive, Knows She Is Here To Inform All Dominant Men Of The Error Of Their Ways. And once she is at that stage of corrupt blotation, she is perfectly self-sabotaged, because her cynicism, her desire to score points off of others so she can feel superior in comparison, and her belief in her own greatness will blind her to reality.
The one man who is worth serving, a very strong dominant male, is not only invaluable to her, but also extremely rare and she may never have any significant contact with him at all if she cannot rid herself of the proud delusion that a potential master must come begging to her, like all the others do.
Those individuals who are best for her are the ones she will deride and peck at most viciously because they disturb her complacent and falsely high self-opinion. Those who are the worst for her are the ones she will easily be flattered by and drawn to. The man that ultimately “wins her hand” will only do so by repeatedly kissing her ass. He will have to agree wholeheartedly with her grandiose and artificially inflated self-opinion, because she will accept nothing less.
This whole frame of mind, the “I am superior to all of you pathetic morons” stance, is deadly for a submissive female to adopt, particularly one who wants to improve herself and attract a stronger or higher quality man. A woman will never attract a high-quality man with this sort of attitude although she may very well convince herself that she has. To remedy this deplorable condition in herself, a submissive woman can, first of all, remind herself of who she actually is in real life and how unimportant she actually is in the greater scheme of things. Secondly, she can remember her sincere craving to be more humble, obsequious, and self-effacing in order to someday be worthy of serving a great man. She can observe how her current despicable behavior is making these honorable aims impossible to hold honestly. Sometimes, realizing these things and then adopting and sincerely displaying more appropriate attitudes can be enough to cause a dominant man to give her a chance to prove herself, particularly if she begs him sincerely for that chance.
But asking for that chance may seem the hardest thing in the world for a Superstar bloated fat on Internet attention to do. Why should she have to ask for attention from a mere male, when there are hundreds beating down her door, like sperm around the egg, trying to be the first to get in? The reason is simple: those hundreds of men are totally worthless to her. The one man who is worth serving, a very strong dominant male, is not only invaluable to her, but also extremely rare and she may never have any significant contact with him at all if she cannot rid herself of the proud delusion that a potential master must come begging to her, like all the others do. In reality, a man worth serving will avoid a proud, puffed-up, pecking peacock such as her like the plague. He finds absolutely nothing appealing in such a woman.
If her ego can entertain this idea (that someone out there may actually be assiduously avoiding the great and wonderful Her because he finds her so abhorrent), perhaps she can take the first step along the road that leads to a humble, genuine, and valuable servant who is worth owning. She cannot have both (her immense online ego fed and the attention of a man who is worth obeying) because such a man won’t be able to stand her in her present, ugly state. She will need to clean up her personality first, and often that means cutting off the source of her ego addiction and retiring from those online habitats that feed her inflated self-worth so voraciously. A quick and easy way to do this is to completely abandon or destroy her current online identity and start, more humbly, from scratch, with an unknown user name or avatar, which nobody, not even former friends, knows is actually her.
January 24, 2012
Discipline: The Greatest Gift
By Nina E.
I am what can best be described as a consensual slave. I wasn’t abducted, tricked, or brainwashed into it. I consented, once, to become someone’s slave, knowing full well what it would entail, as I was experienced and he took great pains to spell out the details, big and small. Since that moment my life, as I fully expected, has had nothing to do with consent. I am kept by a very strict but admirably fair Master whom I regard as a god. I consciously chose this life for myself because I have needed and craved it since my earliest memories. By “slave” I don’t mean to invoke the usual icons the mainstream and “alt” culture tends to forward when the word is used. My life as a slave is just that: the life of a slave. It is not easy. It is, in fact, replete with pain, struggle, and hard work and, I expect, will always be so. There is no saying “no” to him. There is no pleading to do something later, for whatever reason. When given a command I must drop everything to perform it. I am worked constantly and the products and benefits of my labor are never my own—they are all his. I must abide by a complex code of deeply respectful behavior designed to show my awareness of my status as his property as well as my appreciation and love for his presence in my life. If I slip up in any way, I am disciplined with both the belt and the more terrible lash of his tongue. I am new to being disciplined and I am imperfect in my servitude. When corrected, I often sob from remorse, fear, and pain, but nevertheless, I consider it to be the greatest gift my Master gives me.
Why would someone consciously choose to live in this way? The answer to such a question is complex; there really is no simple (or single) answer. Instead of covering all the possibilities, this writing approaches that question from just one angle: the need that some females have to transform themselves or their lives, to change into something more refined than what they started out as. Such a change, if you choose the life of a consensual slave and desire to become a better one, is greatly facilitated by discipline. Many people, including many who claim to be in such types of relationships, do not include discipline within their lives. Some feel it’s something appropriate only for immature children, not responsible adults. Others think the negativity of painful punishment outweighs any good it might bring about, but those who have studied the effects of discipline in-depth or experienced them first hand usually have a different tale to tell.
A simple analogy from Nature might help to illustrate the beneficial effects of discipline from a transformative point of view. Rocks in the natural world come in all sorts of shapes, colors, sizes, and materials: pumice, shale, sandstone, basalt, mica, and quartz are just a few of the many varieties. Only a few types of rocks have the potential to become polished, beautiful gems if the right treatments are applied.
Human beings have something similar to a malleable stone inside them: the soul. Souls are far more delicate and complex than simple stone, but they, too, can be shaped, polished, faceted, and even placed in a setting that perfectly offsets their beauty—but, like stones, they will not really glow or shine unless they are of the right raw material.
For example, you can polish basalt
all you wish, and it will still remain…a slightly shiny basalt
which, while good enough for the bottom of an aquarium, has none of the luminous or translucent qualities we associate with gemstones. Sandstone
, while it often has nice patterns that can be brought out by additional cutting and grinding, patterns ideal for flagstones or other building elements, will never glow with its own inner light. When you explore the class of rocks known as minerals, however, and, in particular, gemstones, you find that rocks which often don’t look like much in their raw state
have the potential, through cutting, polishing, and correct placement, to become gorgeous works of art
Human beings have something similar to a malleable stone inside them: the soul. Souls are far more delicate and complex than simple stone, but they, too, can be shaped, polished, faceted, and even placed in a setting that perfectly offsets their beauty—but, like stones, they will not really glow or shine unless they are of the right raw material. Most human souls with this potential are like common beach agates: randomly and haphazardly polished on the shores of life. The results are uneven and unpredictable, even hidden until placed into the right element. For agates, that element is water: they glow when wet and their semi-precious nature is revealed. Their nature becomes even clearer if these agates are then tumbled hard for many days in a lapidary.
To bring out a soul’s greatest beauty often requires far more than random blows from life that teach randomly and unevenly. For a soul fit to be a perfect servant, the finishing process requires two conscious wills: The first and strongest will is that of the “polisher” or Master. This person has a creative vision of what the end product will look like and the ability to recognize good raw material when he sees it. He also has a deep understanding of the processes that bring about the required transformation and an unwavering intention to follow these process through to the end, no matter how painful or difficult that might be. This determination, this steadfastness, is one of the rarest qualities to find in a would-be Master, for many self-proclaimed Masters who would polish the souls of their slaves are not up to the enormity of the task–particularly when things get difficult for the slaves.
The second conscious will is that belonging to the soul being polished. It must be the type of will that can patiently endure a long and painful process. The slave’s soul has to have a clear vision of the final result, believe it to be the highest ideal to strive for, and understand the connection between the pain of the process and the glowing end result. This, and her desire to please another, makes her receptive to being polished. She must be perceptive enough to recognize a skilled polisher when she sees one. She must not have the common flaws that cause people to quit a process halfway through or give up when things get a bit rough. Her devotion toward her polisher must be solid and steadfast as this will carry her through those times when even a strong intent and perseverance aren’t enough. The slave also has to understand that, unlike a gemstone, this process is never fully completed and that due to its malleability, her soul would degrade, turn dull, even sink below its original state if the polishing wasn’t kept up constantly. She must be willing to accept that pain on some level as her lot. A part of her, in fact, needs to crave the searing guidance.
In the context of a man refining his woman’s soul to his satisfaction, terms like polishing, faceting, and cutting all refer to discipline: physical and emotional pain that teaches her what she must do, how she must feel, and most important of all, who and what she really is.
For many years I participated in a lukewarm Master-slave relationship that was really a front for a romantic connection among equals. There is nothing wrong with this, but I longed for slavery. My Master at that time was in love with me and he was also philosophically disinclined to use corrective discipline. Like many others in such relationships, he didn’t believe it worked or that it was even necessary with me. He treated me with the utmost respect, we talked things out when I had difficulties, he let me clearly and freely express any emotion I felt toward himself and toward others.
As a result, I became a worse slave, not a better one. I was spoiled, indulged, coddled, and over-protected. I knew I could get my own way through manipulating him with my emotions. There were never any consequences for bad behavior. I ran wild on the Internet and was terribly disrespectful of others. I hid things from him and pretty much did whatever I felt like. I felt no obligation to be honest with him or to try harder to be a better servant, because I believed what he told me: that I was perfect for him just as I was. This coarsening of my personality would have continued until the day I died, had not my Master died first.
I don’t feel resentment for any of the pain, no matter how harsh. His whip and belt hurt terribly, but I understand their necessity. Without his firm rule, I wouldn’t be able to change.
Losing him was the hardest thing I’d ever experienced. I realized many things during the loneliness and isolation of the ensuing years. Foremost among those realizations was that I still craved only to be a slave to a man I loved and worshiped. I also realized how very much I needed the strong guiding control of a Master that would not put up with my spoiled temper tantrums, my whining over how hard a command was, my attempts to wheedle out of my duties, or my inconsiderate and shrewish treatment of others. I finally realized that if I was going to succeed at improving myself in being a slave in more than name only, then the next time around I would need a special sort of man to shape me: the sort who wanted me to improve for him just as much as I wanted to and who knew how to bring about such improvement. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to find a person who could create such an environment of change around me.
And sure enough, under his discipline I feel myself changing: I feel the transforming processes upon my soul. I don’t feel resentment for any of the pain, no matter how harsh. His whip and belt hurt terribly, but I understand their necessity. Without his firm rule, I wouldn’t be able to change. I wouldn’t be able to become more loving, more subservient, more obedient to him with each passing day. But with his strong control and guiding discipline, I am becoming exactly what he wants me to become: a functional, useful female capable of sustaining the demands and rigors of total enslavement for a very long time and capable of loving her humble place at his feet.
The pain from discipline accomplishes a number of important goals. First, it improves memory. When a slave is forced to associate a bad behavior with a harsh slap or the strike of a whip, or is told to repeat out loud that she will not do such-and-such as each stroke is laid down, she tends to remember the next time that which she once found hard to focus upon. Secondly, pain reminds a slave, intimately and viscerally, of who and what she really is: his possession that can be used in whatever way he desires, no matter how she may feel about it. This realization, which many “slaves” who are treated more as “equals” likely never experience, makes her deeply grateful for her Master’s resolve and willingness to help her to improve. It also makes her thankful for the small mercies he bestows upon her during punishment. A slave’s soul is refined in this manner: she becomes more purely the property of her Master, she thinks more about his will and desires and less about her own, and she strives much harder to please him and not repeat past mistakes. She becomes beautiful in the eyes of those few who value selflessness above all else. Finally, the pain from discipline brings about a level of intimacy that is not achievable in any other way: it deepens the slave’s already profound dependency upon her Master and heightens her awareness of her humble role as his useful tool and plaything.
October 24, 2011
By Nina E.
What do people dream about in the secrecy of their hearts? I suppose “It depends” is the closest we can get to an answer. An individual’s dreams and desires will be influenced by things like upbringing and education, experience, age, sex, and other demographics, current circumstances, media influence, advertising and similar brainwashing, and also by whatever mysterious pieces of the persona puzzle that are entirely their own. As you narrow down this question by grouping people, you’re able to generalize—a little. Take men, for instance. Men dream of many things: winning, controlling, gaining respect, becoming rich, making sure their genetic line is carried on, but often, until perhaps they are very old, their fondest dreams revolve around having sex with or acquiring women—not just ordinary women, but beautiful, hot women.
This underlying yearning never fully leaves a virile man, I suspect, no matter how sophisticated and wise he becomes, because it’s influenced by genes and powerful hormones that cause him to desire spreading his seed to as many reproductively fit females as is possible. “Fit” is, of course, a moving target in a cultured or (some would say) decadent society in which the most basic survival needs are easily met. A wild garden of fetishes and personal tastes flourishes around us. There is only one common denominator between such divergent tastes: men desire females they find physically appealing. Most men, despite the abundance of fetishes, are more mainstream than not regarding what they consider beautiful.
Women know this about men, of course. It’s one of the first things we females learn when we hit puberty: that beauty gives us a very pronounced advantage over less visually appealing women. That’s why, at that age, we start to make ourselves beautiful for men: so they will want us and give us what we want in return (satisfying emotional relationships, families of our own, a feeling of belonging or security). The power of feminine beauty should not be underestimated, even by those men and women who are experienced and know better. We still fall for it—virtually all of us. When a young and beautiful woman is greatly desired and pursued by many men, she learns one lesson quite well: she is a hot commodity in high demand, and can dictate her own terms to those males who compete for her attention. Recently on a social network, I “friended” such a woman. I was fascinated by the fact she had over 500 “friends,” almost every one a male, but virtually no profile and no activity on the network, just a few pictures of her gorgeous busty self. About once a week, she comes online and adds more friends, usually about twenty. She must have close to a thousand contacts by now. What does she dream about in the secrecy of her heart? I have no way of knowing. “She” might also be a “he” just having some fun, but if she is the young woman I see in the photos, it’s almost impossible to think that she doesn’t believe she will find what she wants due to the fact that her beauty draws men to her like flies. It’s hard to be hot and not also arrogant as hell about that fact. It’s hard not to take for granted that no matter how badly you act, some men will still adore you and fall all over themselves to be around you.
Beautiful young women, sadly, are often arrogant and ugly on the inside. Someone who gets her own way with enough men often resembles a pristine peach, beautiful to view and to smell, but with a secret, rotted core that you only discover when biting into it. Not all beauties are like this, of course, but most seem to be. Increasing numbers have learned to hide their awareness under a veil of false modesty, but the majority tend to believe that no matter who the man is or what his circumstances are, they could “acquire” him with a simple beck. Their pride in their appearance, their vanity and smug sense of superiority—over both plainer women and the men who compete for their favor—is enormous.
It’s hard to be hot and not also arrogant as hell about that fact. It’s hard not to take for granted that no matter how badly you act, some men will still adore you and fall all over themselves to be around you.
What does this have to do with the humbled female? First, let’s look at things from the beauty’s perspective. Due to the way her attractiveness is treated and the way she processes that message (I am superior, fabulous, god’s gift to men), she is at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to humility. Humbleness, modesty, lack of entitlement, and the honest appreciation of male beauty: such concepts probably don’t exist in her mind. She’s likely used to the world revolving around herself, to others worshiping her, and her attraction to “serving” a man is, more often than not, just another way to prove to herself how very marvelous she is: “Look, I am drop dead gorgeous and I can be the very best slave that ever lived.” Instead of penitence, humility, and desire to worship someone greater than herself, service often is, for a beautiful young woman, just another story in which she plays the leading role and everyone else, including her chosen man, gets a bit part. Due to her charms, she’ll be able to convince a great many inexperienced men that she’s the perfect slave, and if one manages to hold on to her, they’ll both sink down into the standard mire: a very conventional couple “playing” at being Master and slave while the slave runs things from the bottom. The more beautiful a woman is, the more likely a typical man will be loath to let her go, and the more he’ll dance to her tune just to keep her with him. In addition to providing hot sex, she also provides him with a tremendous ego boost: he feels better than any other man around him because he’s got the hottest chick. He doesn’t even notice the derision he draws from others for being a slave in turn to her every whim and mood.
What do dominant men—real dominant men—dream about in the secrecy of their hearts? Again, this is not a question that is easily answered. The minds, let alone the hearts of such rare individuals are difficult to fathom, and almost impossible for a submissive female to understand, but I have noticed a few small things. One is that above all else they love control and power over others, but in particular over members of the sex they prefer (if they have a preference). If they are wise and experienced, they understand well how others’ responses to her beauty corrupts and spoils a woman, making her useless as a servant (at least at the moment, when she’s drunk on her own good looks and the power those bring her). They see straight through her false modesty to the vain little girl playing with “slavery” because she wants another feather to add to her cap, not because she has any sincere desire to submit completely to the will of another. In addition to vanity, they see how such women have bought the propaganda about “female equals superior” and how they believe their confused opinions, half-baked skills, and immature emotional sets are truly all the very best females have to offer. They are most certainly attracted by the young woman’s allure, but if her would-be Master is the least bit pragmatic and honest, he understands the slim-to-zero chance of her being anything worth owning over the long run. A beautiful woman, unless she has been completely isolated from everything this culture tells women about their power and “superiority,” will likely be so spoiled inside that she is nearly useless to anyone but herself, and certainly the opposite of what constitutes a good slave in the home. A man who cannot see through the glamour of her physical appearance and glimpse her actual soul: her deepest motivations and dreams, is not a man I would call a Master…he’s a potential tool, and little more than that.
I am not anti-beauty or bitter toward younger women, however much it may sound like it. I just know what it is like, intimately. I wasn’t an ugly duckling in my youth, young adulthood, or even middle adulthood. I frequently experienced that heady and vanity-driven rush of being among the more beautiful women in any gathering I found myself in. (Luckily, I came of age in a time when feminism wasn’t so entrenched so I missed the whole nonsensical “Females Are Great Simply Because They Have Vaginas” propaganda.) I grew used to being told I was the most beautiful woman a given man had ever seen, used to heads turning to watch me when I entered a public space, used to strange men bursting out in song when I entered an elevator with them or serenading me outside my dorm room door for weeks, or doing other things to catch my attention. I also wanted to be a slave to a man back then and I felt despair at ever achieving that dream because so many men responded to me like anything but. I wanted to be taken and used by a powerful man, and all I saw were puppy dogs trying every cute trick in the book they could think of to attract my attention. It was all so much the opposite of what I needed that I almost came to believe my secret fantasies were false and no man of the type I dreamed about at night existed.
I also came to believe the only reason any man would ever find me attractive was due to my looks, not to anything I was, intrinsically.
I also came to believe the only reason any man would ever find me attractive was due to my looks, not to anything I was, intrinsically. If there is any tragic aspect to beauty, it is this: not objectification per se, but a total reduction of your entire human self down to one tiny facet: your physical appearance—and a secret belief that you have nothing else to offer, that anything else you are is fairly unimportant. It is very hard to honestly assess your actual qualities, good and bad, when you’re drunk on your own attractiveness, because that is all you see.
A wise man, if I may be so bold as to speak of such things, understands the effects beauty has on a woman. Her beauty will in fact make it harder for her to pass his censors and suspicions, rather than easier, because it so often goes hand in hand with cluelessness about the giving, selfless emotional reliability of a humbled female. It is very hard for a beauty to believe that anyone could possibly resist her, but if anyone can, it will be a man used to keeping women. In order for a beautiful woman to submit, she needs to learn that her looks, nice as they are, are only the beginning of what she needs to be pleasing. If she doesn’t have the rest of the package or the potential to acquire the attitudes, wisdom, and understanding that accompany genuine submissiveness, her looks are useless and a waste to an authentically dominant man. Sometimes learning that lesson, that there is at least one man out there whom she wants but who is completely able to resist her charms, starts an attractive woman on the path to finding out what attracts those men she is mysteriously drawn to. “Why does he reject me when he has that ugly old hag as his slave? Surely he can’t be satisfied with THAT? What does she have that I don’t have?” If the beautiful brat can ask that last question sincerely, without assuming that the answer is, “Nothing—I am far greater than her in all qualities,” she might be able to learn something useful. Until she realizes that some men really do value other things higher than feminine beauty and that she cannot trump all cards with her looks, the attractive woman, even with submissive potential, is lost in a limbo partially of her own making. Its an insidious place to be in if you really need to serve and worship a man.
I was lucky in my first encounter with enslavement to have met a master who liked me, deeply, without ever seeing a single photo of me for the first four-six weeks after we met online. That early, “no face” correspondence gave me hope that maybe there was something to me besides my face that someone I found deeply attractive could like. I was lucky the second time around, too. While I was in the exact opposite situation: ugly now to the point of hideousness (due to lifestyle as much as aging), my second and last master still liked my basic personality enough to give me a chance. I also talked to him “faceless” for a couple of weeks, and when the time came to show him some images of myself, I felt deep despair. I was sure a man as hot and controlling as him would not be able to bear the sight of someone as ugly as me. But he surprised me: he still found something of value in me despite my ugliness, and gave me a chance. He has dictated that I change my lifestyle and become more attractive for him, and I have loved doing that for him. While I know I’ll never approach one-tenth the beauty I had in my youth, I feel that someday I’ll be passable, rather than something you cringe and want to look away from. At least I’ll be like that for a few years, until age robs me of even that. But unless dementia looms, age won’t be able to rob me of what I know about my abilities to be a good slave for someone.
Desire is a very strange thing. In some situations it can totally blind us. In other situations it is the guide that pulls us inexorably and truthfully along the paths we must follow in order to feel complete. What you dream about in the secrecy of your heart can tell you a lot about yourself as well as how to go about getting what you want. What your dreams cannot tell you, however, is whether this most cherished thing is genuinely worth having. Unless you are wise enough to follow the advice of others (and wise enough to know whose advice to follow and whose to ignore) you cannot know whether your cherished dream is worth obtaining. Instead, you usually must actually obtain your heart’s desire…and then see what happens. Doing this is often costly, most often in time, but you also pay other prices. Those men who have obtained a beautiful woman’s attention are relatively plentiful and can probably tell you whether it was worth the cost or not. After hearing several accounts, you can then make up your own mind. Those who have obtained the complete love and slavish devotion of a woman, although much rarer, can tell you something similar—assuming you can find them. If you do find one, my advice would be to listen to what they have to say, very carefully.