May 26, 2018

Anger: The Fire Inside

Photo by Marc Esadrian

Maya, a childless woman in her late 20s, hopes to become Richard’s slave one day. She and Richard met online and have had a couple of wonderful visits, but they live miles apart and for now the relationship is mostly conducted remotely. This is her first experience with enslavement. It’s frustrating and hard to live apart from one’s master, but Maya feels it is worth it, and understands that merging their lives together will take time.

Richard, 34, is very strict with her, despite the fact that they do not yet live together, and, under his rule, Maya performs a great many duties and tasks she never had to do before. Instead of letting her apartment go for days or weeks until she feels in the mood for cleaning, she must keep it spotless: clean up the kitchen after every meal and wash the dishes; vacuum, dust, and clean the bathroom once a week; throw out trash on a daily basis; and so on. She is also required to watch her weight, exercise five times a week, not drink nearly as much as she used to, and perform numerous odd jobs for him that sometimes cause her to miss her former free time and recreations. Everything in her life has changed and, most recently, she has been required to reduce her spending and send a part of her income to Richard every month. She is no longer allowed to spend money on clothes, makeup, wine or cocktails, entertainment, or other non-essentials without permission—she must run these all by Richard first. Even though she knows this discipline and cutting back is for her own good and preparing her for the rigors of slavery, a small secret part of her has begun to feel resentful of Richard, to think of him as the enemy, the person who denies her all pleasures and good times, while he gets to have “all the fun.” This isn’t entirely true, and she knows this. He allows her small and regular indulgences. And he is very self-disciplined in the way he treats himself. But she still feels resentful. She has started to compare her far-more restricted life to that of her friends and coworkers and feels she is coming up short.

Maya doesn’t mention any of this resentment to Richard. She takes pride in being an ideal slave and, under a pseudonym, regularly boasts about her pristine behavior on kinky social networks. She has quite a stake in being “the perfect slave.” Thus, she ignores the rumblings under the surface, the building resentment, the growing unease with “being treated unfairly.” Although ignored by her, these feelings grow stronger and, without her realizing it, they start to show themselves in subtle ways. For example, when she sends part of her pay to Richard every month, she is required to express mail cash to him on the day the paycheck arrives. At first she kept to this schedule perfectly. But for the last two months, she’s ended up sending the money a few days late, and this month she didn’t even send it by overnight express mail, but instead chose a less expensive (and longer) mail service. When Richard asks her, “Where’s the check?” she lies: “I don’t know, Sir. I put it in the mail at the appropriate time. Maybe the post office lost it.” When he gets the package several days later, and sees it wasn’t sent overnight, he again asks her what happened. She pretends ignorance, claiming she accidentally chose the wrong service. When he tells her he doesn’t believe her, she explodes. She starts crying and angrily asks him, “How can you not believe me? Have I ever lied to you before?” She does this even though she knows that right this moment she is busily lying to him.

What Richard does next, in response to Maya’s increasing carelessness and her dishonesty about it, may set the tone of the relationship for years to come. If he handles it correctly, he’ll either have a better slave as a result or she’ll be cut loose—a loss, to be true—but better than the alternative: an untrustworthy and deceitful subordinate. If he doesn’t handle this situation correctly, he’ll likely doom himself to several years of living hell with a woman who resents him, feels he is wrong and unfair, and feels justified in lying to him and secretly defying his authority at the drop of a hat. If, at this late stage, he calls her on any of this, he’ll face increasingly more anger, more crying fits, more attempts to get him to conform and not do or be what a master naturally does and is. Whether Richard can handle this situation successfully depends a lot on what he knows about anger and what he knows about slaves.


Anger’s Role in a Slave’s Life

Where does anger come from? Why do we feel it? Why, especially, do submissive women, even slaves, feel it toward the ones they love the most, the ones they claim to be deeply dedicated to serving and pleasing? There are many psychological theories floating around about anger’s roots, its meaning, and its general role in ordinary human lives. There are numerous philosophical and religious points of view about it, as well. But what will be discussed here is something much more specific: anger’s place and role in the life of a slave. What is that place and role? Perhaps a diagram would help illustrate this:

That’s right. Anger has zero, none, no place and no role in the life of a slave when it is directed toward her master. It may be useful for other purposes. It can be applied to outside objects in much the way a tool or a weapon can be taken off the shelf and used when needed, but it has as much place in a relationship with the man who controls a woman’s life, actions, sustenance, and happiness as an active chainsaw does in a chamber music recital.

This may initially strike some as a closed-minded and narrow view. It’s only human and natural to express anger, isn’t it? And isn’t it particularly hard for slaves, who give up so much, not to feel frustrated at times? Well, most people also think that the idea of a woman irrevocably giving up her own life to serve another person represents a closed-minded and narrow view: it’s only human and natural to be free, isn’t it? But, quite clearly, some of us thrive in that narrowness and restriction and would think others wrong for characterizing our choice this way or denying us the right to live a life without freedom, if that is what we wish. A narrow perspective is not necessarily an incorrect perspective, especially when the context for the point of view is experienced and understood. Nor does a narrow perspective always equal an impossible-to-meet perspective.

There are paths out of that dark, rotting jungle of excited, self-righteous rage that some people spend much of their waking time in. Consistent anger is a habit, a learned response that once got the person who feels it something good. And now it’s become a robotic strategy…

Yet this idea may still strike others as an impossible view. “How can a slave living intimately with her master not get angry with him upon occasion? It’s not natural that she wouldn’t lose it at times given all she endures for him. This requires someone who is perfect, inhuman!” Endures? Really? If slavery were largely endurance of something deeply unpleasant or repellent, practically nobody would consensually elect to experience it—and I would strongly question the emotional stability and motivations of those who did. But even if we take out that unfortunate choice of words, I don’t think this objection holds water. I have never felt anger toward my Master and I am very human and a far cry from perfect. I’ve known him for over three years. If losing my temper was going to happen, it surely would have happened by now, wouldn’t it? And no, he doesn’t have me terrified of every little move I make. If he did, how could I possibly write articles like this? I’d be far too fearful to express any creative opinions at all if I lived under a reign of terror. There is no terror to freely express myself happening here—but there is also not a sign, not a hint, of anger. Why? We’ll get into the reasons below.

Some readers may imagine that I am lying about my lack of anger. I must be experiencing some sort of profound inhibition, repressing my feelings, or otherwise fooling myself. Those women who are particularly prone to deep anger and are secretly ashamed of it will be most uncomfortable with the idea that somebody else, particularly someone who seems to be in a situation similar to their own, doesn’t feel it at all, let alone feel it violently and uncontrollably wash over her. For the sake of their own equilibrium, such women may need to imagine that someone who claims what I do is representing herself falsely or, at very least, is deeply confused. But I’m not claiming innocence of the emotion. I understand anger very well. I experienced mountains of it in a prior enslavement and certainly got the “Screeching Bitch From Hell” T-shirt. I know exactly what uncontrollable rage feels like. But I do not feel it anymore.

There are paths out of that dark, rotting jungle of excited, self-righteous rage that some people spend much of their waking time in. Consistent anger is a habit, a learned response that once got the person who feels it something good. Months or years later, it’s become a robotic strategy, something one does because it still feels vaguely good, even if its returns are increasingly diminished and even if the anger sabotages one’s hopes and goals. The path out of this emotional quagmire is often not a clear and simple one, as each person needs to approach this in their own way, but it starts out by recognizing and then beginning to listen to one’s conscience. A very angry person knows, deep inside, that venting such emotions is inappropriate, over the top, and, most of all, that it hurts others. She knows, deep inside, that her attitude is wrong and unfair, and that someday she’ll need to stop before she alienates everyone around her, particularly the man she swore to loyally serve and obey. But right now… Well, it’s just so gratifying to vent. Even fun at times. She feels so right, so justified. Surely she cannot, should not, keep all of these important feelings pent up inside! They’re an essential part of her self-expression! And then there’s the sweet little fact that she can get many things she wants very easily by manipulating her man in this way. It can be quite hard to give up the anger racket: it provides so many apparent rewards. But it’s not impossible, particularly when one starts to be sickened by such rewards.

When you are a slave you experience a deeply negative side to anger that a free person doesn’t typically feel. To occasionally rage at someone close to you doesn’t go against any core principles of a standard marriage or other relationship of equals. You might feel guilty over treating another badly but you don’t feel as if you are rebelling against the foundations of your relationship or personal identity when you do so. With consensual slaves, however, it’s a very different story. A slave will generally have a tiny voice of conscience reminding her that not only is anger inappropriate toward her master but this horrific way of behaving is also the antithesis of all of her vows to him and all her best intentions and desires about being a slave. If she starts to listen to that small voice within, she’ll begin to feel remorse. She’ll start to realize that these emotional excesses are harmful and wrong to express toward the one you adore and serve. It feels truly horrible to act so disrespectfully toward the man you swore to love, worship, and obey. A slave may not feel anything is wrong right away, but after her anger recedes, she feels awful: like such a bad person. She’s been defiant, stubborn, hostile, and rude to her beloved master. She feels frustration over being so out of control and unable to react calmly to things. She is horrified at her tendency to just impulsively explode, even though she knows how wrong and inappropriate that is. And, if the anger has happened over and over again, she knows how very difficult it is to control, even when she is aware of it and realizes how wrong it is.

Remorse over bad behavior and horror at being unable to control herself is the place that a slave who really wants to change can start from. Most of us can’t go very far with this on our own, as the best of intentions get swept away in the next wave of habitual anger. But sometimes all it takes is simple recognition to begin to change a negative personality trait. My first master told me that before he had developed control over his anger, he used to habitually rage at people close to him. One day, he heard over the phone the hurt tone in his mother’s voice in response to this rage and he realized he was needlessly causing pain to people he cared most about. Was it really more important to “be right” or to prove with verbal violence that you are right? That was all it took for him. This shameful realization of his bullying behavior was enough to allow him, over time, to bring his anger under complete control. For those of us less in control of ourselves (and most slaves probably fall into this category), it may take something far more, such a severe life change, to bring home to us the point that the anger has to go, particularly if it is something we’ve been taught is good or right, something we should always freely express.


My Story

What follows is a story about anger. My own anger. It began during the time of my enslavement to my first master, quite a few years ago. I wasn’t always anger-free. After reaching puberty, before I even knew the word slave, I think I had a slightly higher than normal amount of anger. I felt it on occasion toward the people around me, first toward my family then later toward live-in partners (love interests, in particular). Sometimes I expressed it, if I knew the person well enough to let my hair down around them, and often they got angry back. But many times I didn’t because I was timid and afraid of repercussions.

At times I turned my anger inward and, because I also have low-self-esteem, I believe my first master, who knew more than a little about human psychology, thought the two were related. Because I didn’t express outward anger, I must be turning it inward, toward myself, and that’s why I had such a terrible self-opinion. It makes good psychological sense but, in my case, it wasn’t entirely true. I had (and still have) what others imagine to be a terrible self-opinion because I see myself and my flaws fairly clearly, and I intentionally keep them uppermost in mind so that I can work on them. But my master at that time was my god, a god I listened to closely and eagerly, a god I did not question, and if he said my self-esteem issues were due to repressed anger, that was the end of the story. It was now the truth, my truth.

My first master wanted to fix what he saw as my self-esteem problem and he made a number of changes that felt pretty good but were, in hindsight, the last things I needed. Probably a different sort of person would have responded well to these changes, but I was not that person. He constantly praised me, shored up my ego, and helped me to achieve some external successes so I’d feel better about myself. Under this barrage of well-meant flattery and buildup I began to feel not just good about myself, but like very hot stuff. I began to get arrogant, proud, vain, full of myself, and increasingly, intolerant and contemptuous toward others.

After a couple years of this ego building, he began the next phase: he told me that he wanted me always, without hesitation, to express my anger when I felt it, especially if I felt it toward him. He even offered me his upper arm as my personal punching bag! He told me to hit it with my fist as hard as I wanted to when I was angry. At first, I was horrified at being ordered to do this. A slave shouldn’t be hitting her master! But it was an order and I obeyed. And so began my days as “A Very Angry Woman.” I raked people over the coals online, even friends who admired me. I’d scream at a customer service representative who gave me the slightest runaround on the phone. And, increasingly, I began yelling, screaming, and raging at my master at the slightest provocation. It was as if Pandora’s box had opened and all the evil little demons inside me were flying out and hurting others—and I could not close the lid.

Nor did I want to close that lid. I rather enjoyed being angry. It meant that inside my head I was always right, others were always wrong, and I never had to apologize. My master encouraged this. He not only told me I was right but that I was right to feel anger at all those “incompetent idiots” who seemed to surround me at that time. He still thought that letting out the steam of anger would prevent me from turning it against myself and was the best way to deal with my low self-esteem. (The possibility that low self-esteem might not be such a bad thing for one who aspires to extreme enslavement never came up, alas.) It was worse when I was premenstrual, and both the anger and the PMS got worse as the years passed. It reached a point where I refused to sit down and talk to my master when I was in one of my violent, ugly moods. If he tried to get me to talk when I didn’t want to talk, I’d just scream and scream at the top of my lungs until I shouted him down and he stopped. I’d cover my ears, yelling, “No! No! Shut up! I won’t listen!” We talked about controlling this anger during times when I was calmer, but I couldn’t see how to do it, even when he told me how he did it, long ago, with his own anger. The truth is, I didn’t want to see how. I swam in a world of intense, angry, righteous emotion and oh, it felt so very good!

It reached a point where he decided that PMS must be the problem. He sent me to a doctor who prescribed an antidepressant that was known to have had some success with treating PMS symptoms. It seemed to help a little, but not much. I continued to rage on, at everyone and everything. Even later, when hormones were no longer an excuse for this behavior, I still acted abysmally, screaming and yelling at anyone who got in my way or suggested I might be wrong. I was particularly harsh to my beloved master. It was habitual by then. I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to wean myself from the rush of being right all the time, the rush of crushing all opposition, the great feeling of lashing out at those who had “unjustly wronged me.” At other times I was a pretty good slave: obedient, extremely loyal, not easily disturbed, always present and calmly handling the crises that occurred around my former master’s increasing health issues. But I couldn’t let go of the addictive and now-habitual expression of intense anger.

Derision, disgust, or biting sarcasm can be delivered with the softest and gentlest of tones. Most psychologists seem to agree, however, that expressions of anger are culturally imparted, and therein lies great hope for slaves and deeply submissive women with anger problems: we are not permanently locked in by our natures to a pattern of angry response. If we really want to, we can relearn how to express and even experience anger. Anger doesn’t have to inevitably result in havoc and destruction. In fact, it doesn’t have to appear at all.

Eventually, as my first master became sicker and had more near brushes with death, feelings of terror, horror, and denial replaced rage as my primary emotions. As we struggled to survive amidst rapidly mounting medical bills, almost no income, and his constant health crises, I had little time to indulge in anger, except online with the few friends that stuck with me through this awful time. But I ended up alienating even those brave souls. When my master finally died, I felt as though I had entered the gates of hell. No matter how angry I had become toward him, he had continued to love me back strongly, purely, and unconditionally; he never became angry in response to my outrageous outbursts; and he had tried to protect me and make me happy in so many ways. As humans often do, I recognized this truth about him and our relationship only when it was too late, only when he was gone, only when I had nothing left. Imagine the sun just shuts off. It disappears and the world gets darker and colder with each passing day. That was my emotional landscape. The giant warm sun of his love and care for me, something that had surrounded me for years, was gone—just like that. I had nothing left. Nor could I turn to any friends for support. I tried, but no one would have anything to do with me let alone offer comfort or care though this horrible experience of being cut completely loose from the one who had so deeply controlled my life and gave it meaning and hope.

I wandered through this dark, cold, empty, void, this lonely place of no hope or help, where I felt hated by others and where I hated myself, for many years. I sobbed every day for hours at a time. Something about that experience, of losing his loving presence, profoundly changed me. All my rage, all my fire, burnt out. My life became very narrow. I focused on physical survival. I wished to provide a home for our beloved pet cat until its death, and so I worked, slowly and clumsily, to improve the immediate financial and personal-health ruins I found myself in. I got a few small breaks here and there, just enough to keep my head above water and my body off the streets, and slowly tried to build up from that. My devastation was complete. My self-image, already low, was at its lowest. I reviewed my life with my deceased master frequently and hated myself for the contemptuous, disrespectful and enraged ways I’d treated him. I desired nothing more than to die and follow him, but I felt I had to honor his desire to care for our little pet, so I stayed alive.

Working to survive was good for me: it distracted me somewhat from the emotional pain. My fortunes began to rise a little, I was able to afford semi-regular health care, and my abysmal physical condition improved little by little. Eventually there came whole days and then later weeks when I did not sob for hours. I reached a point where I could listen to music again (before it’d send me into paroxysms of grief) and watch movies again, but I could never listen to or watch anything I’d shared with him. These experiences always had to be new. In my attempts to distract myself, I started making new friends online and also tried to salvage old friendships, although the latter were pretty much a lost cause by then. The rejections were hard to take, but I can’t say I didn’t deserve them.

At a certain stage, I started laughing, then I started thinking about being owned again, and finally I began looking around for a compatible man. I was healing, at last. I had a false start, got taken by an online player and lost a couple of years, but I picked myself up and eventually met my current Master. I had respect for Him from the very start and also a little fear mixed in with immense attraction and love for His honest, complex personality. He had a depth to His personality that I’d never encountered in anyone else and I deeply admired His razor-sharp intelligence and His honorable soul. It’s been several years and none of these feelings toward Him have left me. What hasn’t returned is the anger. It’s nowhere to be found and, after several years of this, I am finding it hard to believe I’ll ever experience it with Him. My raging temper seems so foreign to me now, so alien, as if I were some other person that I no longer fully understand.


What’s Behind the Story

One reason I related this long and painful personal history with anger was so that readers wouldn’t need to ask the obvious question: what’s a female who has no experience with anger with her master doing talking to us about anger? As you can see, I do have quite extensive experience with feeling anger at a master, just not with my current Master. I’m certainly not recommending that angry slaves should experience the death of the one whom they love and depend on the most in order to rid themselves of their anger. But I am saying that anger is a terribly hard beast to rein in once it starts to take over, and sometimes it may take an event that that is the equivalent of an emotional earthquake—something that completely changes your perspective on life—to bring it under control. Barring that, there may be a few useful elements in this story that others can take away from it, particularly those who find their anger uncontrollable in the way I once did or those who own an angry slave. I’d like to look next at what some of these things are.


Where Does Anger Come From?

In one sense, the reasons for anger don’t really matter. For many of us, discovering the reason for the rage is counterproductive because these reasons can then be used to further justify that anger. What matters more is finding ways to bring that anger, wherever it happens to come from, under control. Still, the old adage, “know thy enemy,” is as true in this case as it is in so many others areas of life and getting a firm grasp on where your slave’s anger (or your own, if you are the slave) is coming from might lead to some methods for dealing effectively with it.

It’s not always possible to find the true reasons for anger. My first master was a brilliant man and well-schooled in psychology, but he never grasped how the anger he ordered me to freely express destroyed my ability to believe I was a slave, let alone a good slave. That horrible rage undermined everything I did, put the lie to every act of obedience, and I lived daily with the belief that I was a fraud, a sham, a pretend slave. I was a good slave in the sense that I obeyed him about expressing my anger, but in the long run this specific act of obedience made me a terrible slave overall to him. This is a contradiction you will sometimes run into with consensual slavery. Sometimes a master, with the best of intentions, will order a slave to do something that is inherently non-slavelike. She strives to obey, she tells herself it’s OK to do this because her master has ordered it, but inside she feels less and less like she is owned by him and more and more like she’s independent or the one steering the ship or even, as I felt, just some vanilla shrew-wife who is totally out of control. Take great care, if you don’t already, with what you order your slave to do. A forced contradiction such as the one I experienced can badly confuse a slave and eventually render her worthless. Had my first master not sickened and died, and had the horror that followed this shattering event not shoved my anger off center stage entirely, I have no doubt it would have worsened until I finally reached a point where I insisted upon my freedom. My master was a deeply patient man who loved me dearly: he would not have given up on me. But I am not nearly as strong. I am certain I would have eventually reached a point of self-righteous blindness so extreme that I would have betrayed everything I’d loved and lived for all of those long years. And then I would have been lost. I would have never been able to trust myself to be a slave again. Since I need to be a slave, that would have been a form of living death. As horrific as my former master’s death was, it may have, in a sense, been a kinder fate to experience than what might have occurred had he lived.

Anger is a natural human response, say virtually all modern psychologists, to experiences of being slighted, denied something, treated shabbily, or threatened. It can be a positive response in some contexts, such as anger at social injustice, because it energizes and motivates those feeling it to try to do something about unfair conditions. But most of the time anger arises in response to one’s ego feeling slighted or not given its due; to having one’s desires thwarted or ignored; to being treated aggressively, mockingly, or condescendingly by someone else; to feeling that someone or something is not being fair or considerate, not giving you what you deserve. A person’s response to anger, while it may be slightly colored by genetics, is definitely something that is learned. Children who grow up in families where anger is out in the open and lots of shouting and other emotional displays go on, tend, as grownups, to act similarly. Those living in families where anger is something colder and more hidden, learn to express it in the same stealthy, passive-aggressive manner their parents did. Maybe there isn’t a lot of shouting in those households, but words, when spoken, tend to strike like poisoned darts to the heart. Derision, disgust, or biting sarcasm can be delivered with the softest and gentlest of tones. Most psychologists seem to agree, however, that expressions of anger are culturally imparted, and therein lies great hope for slaves and deeply submissive women with anger problems: we are not permanently locked in by our natures to a pattern of angry response. If we really want to, we can relearn how to express and even experience anger. Anger doesn’t have to inevitably result in havoc and destruction. In fact, it doesn’t have to appear at all. While not easy, it’s never too late to attempt this sort of sea change as long as we realize that we can change and are willing to do whatever it takes to bring this about.

A slave or someone deeply serious about her submission needs to look at this question from an earlier point in time, I think. She needs to start not at the point of changing one’s behavior during or upon onset of anger toward her master but rather question the source of the anger: Why am I feeling this emotion at all toward my master? When and how did it start? What place has it in my desire to serve him lovingly and always please him? Is the anger I feel paired with a loss of respect for him or his actions? Have I come to feel entitled to certain treatment or attitudes from him and then annoyed when I don’t get them? Am I starting to feel he should respect me as much as I respect him, listen to me as much as I listen to him, even love me as much as I love him? Have I, perhaps without realizing it, come to desire “fairer” treatment, the treatment one would offer an equal or a wife, rather than the treatment he prefers to give to a slave? Do certain things that he says or does grate on my nerves? Why do they bother me? Are these really things I think he must change? Why do I feel he should change to please me rather than freely doing what he wants to do? Is there something else he is doing that I find disturbing? (Sometimes a different, more threatening action, such as one’s master seeing other females, can be the real trigger for anger, but if a slave feels it is not safe or right for a “good slave” to feel anger at such a thing, she may transfer her anger onto something more trivial and safer.)

The above are examples of exploratory questions a woman who is enslaved to a man can start to ask herself to get a grasp on the roots of the anger, to start to figure out where it is coming from. At the beginning of her enslavement it’s unlikely she felt this emotion. Instead, she probably felt deep attraction and respect for her master, awe even, or fear. But sometimes, as time passes and easy patterns become established, as people grow familiar, a slave may become too comfortable with her life, assume too much is her natural due from her master, become bored by her routine, or even get annoyed by what he doesn’t give her. Sloppiness isn’t limited to behavior. A slave can become complacent or sloppy in her thinking or emotions, can grow to expect ever more special treatment from her master, because, well, after all, he knows now how wonderful she is. She’s proven her loyalty and demonstrated many other marvelous and valuable traits. So why shouldn’t he treat her as if he recognized her value in his life? This last line of thinking is very close to transactional or contractual: I will provide something to you as long as you provide me with whatever reward (be it physical, psychological, or emotional) that I think at the time is worth my service to you. While this sort of mercenary trading of favors is extremely common in all other relationships, in one calling itself master and slave, it spells the death of the enslavement and the stage where the “master” and the “slave” are just mouthing words, words that signify a reality that is no longer lived.

Perhaps a slave, without realizing it, becomes angry at something her master does that she knows she must not question or protest, but is nevertheless disturbing. Maybe it is a dawning realization that she’s never going to meet or be a part of his family or even live with him, that’s she’s not going to have his children, that she’s going to be forced to work outside the home and will never experience her 1950s-domestic-bliss household dream that, despite knowing better, she still associates with slavery. The death of such dreams or expectations, if she was unwise enough to harbor them in her heart despite his clear descriptions of what to expect from being his slave, may mean that no matter how well the slave serves him and how pleased he is with that service, it is not enough for her. Perhaps one of the services he demands she perform for him on a regular basis is one she has a great deal of trouble accepting, perhaps it disturbs her on some deep level that she is not even aware of. Then, when she feels anger, she must connect it in her mind to something else, something “safer.” Unraveling the knots that lead to the real sources of anger may require time or experience she does not yet have. Just because you are able to ask a question doesn’t mean you will receive an instant, clear, detailed answer (or understand it, even if you do). A complex human psyche is not an Internet search engine and often a troubled slave must exercise patience in this endeavor and not act rashly or impulsively.


How Anger Hides

There is this silly notion that gets bandied about BDSM forums that once you become a slave you are magically perfect and obedient. This false expectation can cause some slaves to hide their anger from their masters and from themselves. They suppress it because they can’t bear the thought that they are so “imperfect” as to feel such an ugly emotion in “the most beautiful of relationships.” This suppression, which they consider good, is actually causing harm, as it is hiding something important from him, and will likely result in the slave exploding in a rage some day. Little signs of discontent, minor grumblings, any time one feels something is “not fair,” need to be brought to the attention of one’s master. But before that natural openness can happen, the master needs to make it clear that this information is encouraged and desired, and that he does not want her to suppress any of her minor gripes. He must insist that she bring those to him no matter how hard it is and even if she knows she will be punished for it. A lot of women, due to a craving for easy, carefree relationships and emotional smoothness (or due to cowardice or shame at having negative feelings in the first place) will not come clean about things like anger, disagreement, worry, or frustration even if encouraged to do so. They try to be “Little Miss Perfect Slave” until one day, out of the blue, they just explode. It takes an astute master with a keen eye, a man capable of seeing beyond himself to notice the small signs a female slave will give away as the inner pressure builds and builds. These signs will mostly be non-verbal: posture, tardiness in obedience or response to him, odd tones of voice, and other little things that he might miss if he is not paying attention or buys into her myth that she is this sweet, calm little angel who never gets angry.

Maybe her anger, whatever its source, is being expressed so passively that she doesn’t even realize it is anger. When we think of passive-aggressiveness, what often comes to mind are individuals who make snide, cutting comments disguised under a thin veneer of politeness. But passive anger isn’t necessarily that obvious. The Wikipedia lists a great number of other forms that passive anger can take. For a slave, this can involve not doing something that she is required to do, such as forgetting to properly address her master in the manner she’s been instructed or not following other attitude protocols; neglecting to give her man information about her thoughts and emotions that he needs in order to control her fully and correctly; not informing him of useful or positive news that may be advantageous for him; not desiring harm for him but not desiring to help him either; apathy toward things that matter to him such as not caring if he fails or succeeds at something important; avoiding him in direct or not-so-direct ways; defeatism toward the tasks he gives her: an inability to see them as an opportunity to stretch and grow but rather as foredoomed failures; finding numerous rational-sounding excuses for why she simply cannot do at this time whatever it is he has told her to do; and so on. A slave with passive anger is in a difficult position: first, she must recognize that she is angry (or accept her master’s word for it that she is). Only then can she explore the causes for that anger.


Slave Anger: Common Myths and Theories

Let’s look next at some popular ideas about anger circulating within the BDSM social networks. Does anger in a slave have to be experienced at all toward her master? Should it ever rear its head in such relationships? Most master-slave discussions on generic BDSM sites in which the participants, for all their sadomasochistic posturing and preening, are largely very conventional people, answer these questions with a resounding YES! It’s only natural and human that a slave should get angry at times with her master, in fact the relationship would not be “healthy” if she didn’t. In a thread about anger on a BDSM forum, the descriptions given by slaves of their anger and their reasons for feeling it included things like:

* I threaten to walk if master “pushes” me.

* I don’t raise my voice but we both get furious and silent.

* Well, you’re human and that won’t change. He can learn to let you let your anger run its course. Oh and also, if you come from a family that settles things with anger, it’s OK.

* I have (insert fashionable mental illness du jour) so I have an excuse, but as a compromise to him, when I feel I am losing it I walk away.

* I need to be alone to cool down, I cannot discuss things with him when I’m enraged.

* If I get overly frustrated I use a safe word.

* Slavery tends to strip many women of their basic adult aspects. Because of that, throwing temper tantrums is just fine! It’s to be expected, even.

*Isn’t it disrespecting the man when you decide what he is allowed to have or not have (by controlling your anger)? It just seems strange to me that so many women seem afraid or uncomfortable with “giving” their master their anger.

* If I lose it, I lose it. He’ll deal with it.

* We don’t have the type of dynamic where he puts me back in line. It’s my job to do that.

* Slavery isn’t about being submissive, it’s just about being a slave so I find it weird that all of you think you must be meek and submissive and not show anger. In fact, you aren’t being a slave if you try to control your anger all on your own.

* When you are conditioned to talk in a calm voice by a desire to please or by fear or both you’re lying.

* Those who want to live it as the meek and weak slave with the strong and all powerful master are phonies and less real than we strong slaves who express anger naturally.

* The only way you can talk in a pleasing calm tone of voice when you are upset is if you are “naturally meek.”

* There is no wrong way to release your anger. The implication that there is a wrong way to do these means that people expect the slave to be IN CONTROL.


Analysis and Response

The most astonishing thing about these justifications for anger is that they are the types of things that you would expect to hear (and do hear, time and again) from women who have never heard the initials “BDSM” when they talk about their very conventional relationships with their very conventional boyfriends and husbands. There is no acknowledgment in any of these responses that enslavement is in the least bit different from any other sort of romantic relationship. A slave, apparently, owes very little or no respect to her master. Her emotions and, in particular, her sacred right to express them at any time are of utmost importance and sacrosanct: they take priority over everything else, including however her master might feel about this. In Roman times, a female slave with this attitude would have been whipped until she couldn’t move, beheaded, or sold. But in modern times for most “master-slave” couples, even for those who are very vocal in online forums about how “extreme” and “deep” their relationships are, obedience is largely a joke or a pleasant fantasy. The slave isn’t there to please the master, unless it happens to flatter her enormous ego to do so. She’s in it for herself. Those of us who genuinely care about authentic slavery find this sort of cynical, slave-but-not-really conduct and presentation disgusting.

In examining the remarks more closely, you can see that there is certainly a lot of whining, passing the buck, excuse-making, laziness, and re-spinning of anger and a master’s “correct” response to it going on in the above comments. While these are mostly comments made by self-identified “slaves,” one gets the distinct feeling that a lot of these women are actually in fairly normal, equal-partner relationships (even if they don’t call them that). Some may even be engaged in daddy-girl role-play dynamics, which frequently involve a doting, overly permissive “father figure” who lets his spoiled-brat “girl” largely run wild with maybe a little hot spanky at the end of the day. The highly conventional assumption behind most of these remarks is that getting furious at your master is not only unavoidable but completely justified, just as it would be with with a boyfriend or a husband who did not own or control you. A slave should never be expected to control her anger; at best, she can only do behavioral damage control (like speak a safe word or walk away). But some of these so-called “slaves” are claiming they can’t even do that or that it means they are in control of the relationship if they try to exercise even the smallest amount of self-restraint. Given the sneering disregard for the so-called “meek, mild, and submissive” slave, I’d wager the masters of such women have done very little to actively control the extremely ugly twin forces of anger and pride in these females. This is not an atypical response to a possibly hot topic. The same posters, when observed in other contexts, are entirely unrestrained, reactive, destructive little anger ‘bots with no impulse control whatsoever. No actual slave, I would hope, would ever talk this sort of rot or act as spoiled, hateful, and presumptuous as they do online.

The unanimous answer coming from this thread’s comments was that yes, anger is natural in a slave, even anger at her master is perfectly natural and either he must deal with it or she must temporarily leave her condition of slavery and take independent actions, such as isolating herself from him in order to cool down, because that is the only way it can be controlled. The answer coming from Humbled Females, however, is that a vicious, unruly bitch who lives to attack others online and who mouths off to her master, claiming that “it’s his problem” if he doesn’t leave her alone to handle it in the way she decides is best, is no slave whatsoever. This female is not being controlled in the least: her ugly behavior and her “I’m-entitled-to-act-out” attitude tells you everything you need to know about this bitter, haughty, domineering, vindictive, and utterly self-absorbed creature. When I read such remarks, I see the same false, self-justifying philosophy that my former master had me adopt being promoted as the gospel truth. It makes me ashamed all over again at the way I used to be.

I don’t buy the self-serving and lazy idea that anger is something that’s entirely a master’s job to control. It’s his job if he tells you in no uncertain terms it is that, but passing the buck onto him to fix your ugly personality traits, volunteering him for the dirty, hard work of cleaning out your soul’s debris, is not only self-serving and indolent, but impossible. Soul-cleansing does not come from without, you don’t get baptized or swallow a holy wafer or don an eternity collar and suddenly all your mean, lazy, ugly, controlling little ways fly off on angel’s wings. Change comes from within, always. You’ve got to want to change and then, to make any of that desire worthwhile and not a self-flattering lie, you’ve got to take the next step, which is to actually change. Nobody can do this for you. There are no free rides here. Anger is something that arises from within a slave and while her master can train her, teach her relaxation techniques, help her realize the sources of her anger, and discipline her when she transgresses, she must, ultimately, do the hard work of changing herself. She is the only one who can change her desire to indulge in this ugly emotion in the first place. She is the one who must alter a false and self-serving belief that it is her god-given right to explode all over the one you love and respect the most, that this is “only natural.”

To do this involves both changing her expression of anger and neutering the causes for that anger. With some slaves, the primary source of anger can be fear: fear of not getting something she needs, fear of being hurt, fear of trying to do something that is hard. All of these fears are common in those who lack control over their lives or are experiencing control being taken away. It’s easier and far more comfortable for many people to transform such a fear into anger and make the master the evil villian who “causes” the anger: how dare he whip me so hard? How dare he deny me dinner tonight? How dare he order me to sell half my possessions at a yard sale? How dare he take another woman on an exotic vacation and leave me home alone? When feeling anger, you don’t have to experience the terror and concern for the future that a complete lack of control can bring into your life. Habitual anger may bring a little comfort to a woman who probably shouldn’t have declared herself a slave in the first place.

Ideally, someone shouldn’t consider becoming a slave if they have such huge problems with giving up basic areas of control. But if a female, however ill-prepared, insists she must be a slave and if she later experiences fear-turned-to-anger because she can’t deal with the realities of slavery, then, while it becomes incumbent upon her master to insist that she change and perhaps even guide her along the path to change, she is going to have to do most of the hard, tedious work of actually changing herself. She’s got to be motivated enough to want to get a grip on her anger and deal honestly with its sources, however scary that might be. If this fails, she may demonize her master in her mind if he is strong or secretly hate him in her heart if he is weak enough to capitulate to her angry demands. If either of these outcomes occur, you’ll get a relationship that is anything but master-slave.

Sometimes there is just no right way to handle a slave’s anger. If she’s too addicted to it, too wedded to always being right, she’s undergoing a mild form of insanity. She’s disconnected from reality. In such a case, a master may just have to cut his losses.


Entitlement to Anger?

Let’s return to the original question one more time: despite what the lowest common denominator in the BDSM forums say, is anger an emotion a slave is “entitled” to feel in her enslavement? Is it ever appropriate when directed toward one’s master? If the person I used to be during my first enslavement were reading this article, I am sure she would scream angrily at the stupid writer that “YES! Anger is absolutely necessary for a slave to feel healthy, safe, unrepressed, transparent around her master and, even more importantly, it’s a sign of obedience and respect to give a master that anger and let him do with it what he will!” She would then continue her long diatribe against this article with a scathing (and what she would have thought of as cleverly detailed) critique of all of its major points, pointing out in angry, insulting, and utterly enraged phrasing exactly why the writer was wrong in everything she wrote. It’s a good thing that “me” is no longer around to read my own articles! My Master doesn’t have hours for me to spare in deconstructing thoughtless, overly emotional brain-sewage like that, no matter how easy it actually is to do so (and it is quite easy to do when you’ve been on the other side and know all of their arguments before they manage to think them up). But plenty of others just as obnoxious and habitually furious, addicted to feeling right and vindicated, are now there to take my former self’s place, and they’re spouting the same old “anger is great for you and even makes you regular!” nonsense that I used to believe, once upon a time.

What such pseudo-psychological justifications for atrocious behavior in anybody, let alone a slave, never seem to take into account, however, is that slavery is not all about your perceived “precious” mental health. It is not a resort spa you go to, not a therapy-service you purchase in order to better your mind, cleanse your emotions, or elevate your oh-so-sacred soul. In fact, it’s not about you at all: slavery is (or should be, if it is actual slavery and not something far softer masquerading as that) all about your master: his mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being or betterment. Not yours. Whether or not you are maintained as well (although most slaves are so that, at very least, they may serve their masters well) is entirely his business, and not something you should expect or demand. You may have the most compassionate and rational master in the world, but as a slave, a real slave, you have no right to good treatment or, even more, to the care that such treatment implies. If you get good treatment, you should consider it a great gift and be thankful that you managed to wind up with an owner who maintains his property. If you accept the basic tenant of slavery: that this is, in fact, all about him and not all about you then a lot of the righteous anger that you might otherwise feel has nothing to hook itself onto, no offense or slight to one’s ego to get incensed about, nothing to get insulted over, no wrong that he needs to “be sorry for.” You know, in the core of your heart, that a slave truly deserves NOTHING from her master: no payment, no pats on the back, no rewards or treats for good behavior, no reprieve from pain, hard work, or even heartache, if that be his will for you. A slave exists to obey her master. There may be other things she exists for, but they come far behind this prime directive.

A slave to a genuine master (and by that I do not one of those common fellows who talks a big talk online, does a few brutal, semi-impressive things, then lies back and lets the slave dominate herself), a slave who really feels her slavery, who knows she is there before her master only at his sufferance and that his attitude toward her could change at any moment, does not have the spare time or energy to think of all the ways her master isn’t treating her the way she deserves to be treated. She wanted to be a slave, really wanted enslavement (not the romantic ideal, the real deal) with all her heart. She wasn’t just pretending she wanted this when what she really expected (as so many egotistical pseudo-slaves expect) was a romantic joyride with a relatively well-off man who will then support her in a life of loafing, indolence, and pleasure spiced with a little hanky-spanky. Therefore, she is not surprised in the least when she is treated like an actual slave. She does not feel angry because nothing in the small, specific, and very special world she now lives in excites her anger. She accepts all that comes from him, the perceived bad as well as the good. She often sees, if not in the moment then not too much later, how the seemingly bad things that happen to her actually help her and improve her. How can a person who knows in her genes that everything that comes from her master is right and just ever become angry with him? How can someone who has fully and joyfully accepted her slavery and her role as his instrument without a will independent of his believe that anything he does to her (or doesn’t do to her) is offensive, insulting, harmful, or hurtful? It’s all him, everything comes from him, everything she does is done for him, and that makes it good, sacred even. She reduces her ego to the bare minimum so that his will becomes all that she sees. Where is there any room for anger in that state?

The person who only pays lip-service to this reality is the sort of slave who will get angry at her master because she secretly expects more than what she is getting. She thinks she deserves a certain level of fair or kind treatment, that he owes her something, particularly since she mouths such pretty words about how totally surrendered to his will she is. A woman who gets angry at her master may be someone who, perhaps due to her master’s leniency, is allowed too much familiarity with him. Anger is a clear sign of disrespect—something that, ideally, a slave should never feel toward her master. Honestly accepting all her master is without expecting anything except mastery and control in return requires a slave develop the ability to let go of a great many things, no matter how precious these are or once were to her. She has to let go of all expectations, for example, because she is no longer free to act in the world in ways that fulfill them. She has to openly and passively accept what comes her way, do what she’s ordered to do, submit to his discipline, even please him only in the ways that he allows her to, without question, without rancor, without resentment, boredom, impatience, or desire for something else. Letting go of all one’s desires for “something else” besides slavery is a difficult and perhaps never-ending struggle for a slave, but it is the only sane direction in which to move, as attachment to the things in this world, no matter what they are, no matter how wonderful or necessary they seem, are going to lead to expectations and disappointment when those expectations are not met. It may be a master’s responsibility, however, particularly with someone new to slavery, to guide her to this level of deep and devoted understanding. She may very well not glimpse the intimate depths of slavery when she starts out, she might view it more as some sort of romantic game in which she is the star of the show. If she really has potential to be enslaved, that false, self-centered fantasy can slowly be dissolved and replaced with the far more profound reality that you, the master, are all that really matters. But if she’s lying to herself and to her master about what she really desires, then trying to condition her into being a better slave will only make her personality worse, her resistance stronger, her outrage and sense of unfairness more strident.


Service: Entitlement’s Opposite

If you don’t expect anything, then every day is a wonderful surprise and the things that occur in one’s day are relished. A well-disciplined slave is given the opportunity to live in the moment, to experience the never-ending now with openness and acceptance, no matter what it might bring. A receptive, non-grasping, and non-manipulative mindset frees her from most desires, cravings, and even boredom as all she need do or desire is to please her master–and when she is doing that, all is well with her world. When she has no desires, when she gives up her grasping, survival-focused self, she can just be, receptive and perceiving the world. She no longer needs expectations, and when there are no expectations, they cannot be thwarted or frustrated. Disappointment become rare. Not extinct, as nobody is perfectly one way all the time, but all the usual fires that motivate most people–desire, greed, need, insecurity, grasping for more, ambition, competitiveness, even survival fears–die way down. Let’s say she gets chewed out and punished for forgetting to close the bathroom door after she exited it. So what? A trained slave doesn’t expect such a misdeed to be “kindly” overlooked. She knew her master wanted that door always kept closed, she knew that she forgot, and she knows that being punished for not doing so will teach her to remember next time. She experiences the punishment, and, in the moment, it may hurt horribly or wound her feelings or sense of herself as good and obedient, but then it’s over. She feels no resentment, she has no hurt feelings that now must be catered to by him. Instead, she does what a grownup does: she tries to learn from this event and move on. In the eternal now of enslavement this is not a major event to get upset over or resent, no matter how the whip cuts her skin as a needed reminder. It’s also not an excuse to wallow in guilt and self-recrimination (the self-indulgent and often-addictive stick that drives many a “good” woman–but, sadly, if she’s addicted to the stick, she’s often not addicted enough to you). A punishment is just an experience with her master and the only thing required is that she process punishment in the way he desires her to so that she can learn how to be a better slave to him.


So Who’s to Blame?

The idea of slavery is so deceptively simple: one person commands and the other obeys. Is it the woman’s fault if she becomes frustrated, resentful, and later loses it and dumps all over her master? Is she a failure, is she temperamentally just not meant to be a slave? Or is the problem that her man did not control her fully to begin with, did not make his expectations clear, did not nip these smaller forms of disrespect and disobedience in the bud? The answer, I think, is that neither is true, if the anger is a one-time or rare occurrence. It can be fixed at that point, with discipline, firmness on his side, a pressing desire to please on hers, and conversation between the two that leads to understanding and mental realignment. If a pattern of regular angry expression has developed, however, it suggests both individuals do not understand this type of relationship and maybe neither really wants it. In particular, the master who is too nice or who loves his slave too much, will find himself confronting problems like this far more often than a man who does not involve his heart in his relations with his servants. A “nice” master will be lenient far too often toward the one he loves and this will make her bolder and more likely to transgress further than if he had no difficulty with punishing her. Likewise, a new slave who comes into the relationship with a lot of unrealistic expectations will be more likely to express frustration and irritation in the ways she was used to when free—until she learns better.

What determines slavery or mastery has more to do with how the anger is handled when it comes up, not whether anger occurs or does not occur. For enslavement to be real and not some hot, romantic lie that a pair of bored individuals have grafted onto what would otherwise be a standard relationship, both parties have to want, passionately want, the enslavement to be real. If one or both only halfway want it or only want it when it’s convenient, then, no matter how hard they try at those mutually convenient times, the situation will devolve into a conventional boyfriend-girlfriend, hubby-wifey relationship of relative equals, or, at the very best, be a dom-sub relationship where the submissive party retains considerable powers and veto capability. In my observation, almost nobody wants master-slave relationships to be real. They just want the veneer, the shine, the pride and prestige they associate with calling themselves by these names, the pleasure of thinking of themselves as “extreme,” whatever they actually do in their private lives. In these “lets pretend that we’re not pretending” environments, habitual anger from the female will, undoubtedly, flourish.


The Passive Slave Theory: The Lie of “Just Be”

Anger can be like a volcano. There are a lot of rumblings, unseen movement of hot lava, and sometimes steam venting before the “big explosion.” A consensual slave who pulls her own weight and works hard to improve for her master–unlike those indolent females who expect the master to do all the hard controlling and policing of their indulgent selves while they lie back and “just be”—doesn’t let these rumblings under the earth become stronger. She uses an array of clever techniques to cut them off. Or, if they are too powerful to cut off, she strives to rechannel the impulses that cause anger or expose them, when they are still nascent, to her master’s eyes, so that they do not take control of her personality.

What are these impulses? Primarily vanity and sloth, two personality habits that produce the desire for passivity and the belief that the master should fix everything. Weaker and less resolute slaves build a philosophy around these traits (and the anger such attitudes eventually produce): they claim that being vain and lazy are problems for their masters to deal with, not traits they must personally struggle with. All that is required is that they “just be themselves” and their masters will do all the hard work of fixing them. The question that immediately arises from this is who in the world would want such a lazy, passive, woman unwilling to improve for her master? The answer is, alas, that many men who have bought into the romantic Pygmalion ideal that they must work hard to turn their passive-object slaves into the masterpieces they crave, will accept such flawed goods rather than requiring that the slave be of a mind to work hard to improve. After all, she “cannot help herself,” she just “is what she is” and if he wants to be around her he needs to either “live with that fact” or “fix her himself.”

Vanity and sloth lead to anger because behind each attitude involves entitlement: the vain woman feels she deserves special treatment because she is naturally so very wonderful just being herself. The slothful woman feels like she deserves to take it easy, that slavery should always be fun, that she shouldn’t have to obey if it upsets her or requires too much work or the performance of duties when she is not in the mood to work. Neither female has the strength to bear the scolding and insults that a genuine master will heap upon her for these ugly traits, so they seek out weak males who are easy to control and then make them think that they are the masters while the female secretly runs the show.


The Master’s Role

An inexperienced master or one who has adopted unrealistic theories about slaves because such ideas comfort him, can, without meaning to, make anger worse in a slave. If he believes that anger is natural and necessary, even if it is directed toward himself, then it is likely he will receive it.

Some masters do instill a proper respect and/or fear for themselves in the slave from the outset. But sometimes a master is a lonely man who wants too badly to be his slave’s best friend or romantic hero. He is too soft, too teddy-bearish, very much a daddy but far too little of a disciplinarian. If he needs to feel this way toward a woman, that’s fine, but, for honesty’s sake, he should probably stop calling her a slave and expecting a girl who is pampered and spoiled, whose bad behavior is frequently overlooked or forgiven without punishment, who is told she is perfect and wonderful even when she is being a total bitch, to obey him or desire to please him in any way. It’s important to establish alpha status in a girl’s eyes early, when you are first exploring together. Make the psychological price for disrespect/ignoring orders/forgetting duties and rules high. Express your disapproval, early, often, and strongly. Make sure she clearly understands what she did wrong, and then, no matter how intelligent or otherwise understanding she seems about it all, discipline her for it in a memorable way at an appropriate time. It’s equally important to praise her when she does well: when she’s acting, thinking or feeling according to your desires for her.

Sometimes a slave loses perspective. She forgets what is most important in her life: serving and pleasing her master. She starts to think about serving and pleasing herself more, and when her master expects her to act like a slave, she becomes enraged when her selfish desires are thwarted. If discipline and correction start early in a relationship this doesn’t come up often. If she has other reminders, such as positive mantras that tell her who she is and why she is doing what she is doing, she is less likely to forget that she belongs to you and that her purpose is to humbly serve you. Keeping a consensual slave in this focused state of mind is not hard if practices, ideas, and desire for it are instilled early. She must, of course, also want to be enslaved from the start—the deeper her passion for this, the better slave she will make.

If, for some reason, a master ignores all of his slave’s minor bad behavior (which sometimes is an attempt to control the direction of the relationship, sometimes a test to see how he’ll respond), than he should expect to have a huge discipline problem on his hands later on, probably within a year or two. This problem is very hard to fix at this late stage because the pattern of the relationship has been set. The slave is used to getting away with murder, and if her master tries suddenly to change that, she’s probably going to explode in outrage at him and throw every reason in the book at him for why he’s suddenly, with his attempt to be a real master, “doing it all wrong.” The actual reason, of course, is that this is different from her expectations: you didn’t demand this before so you have no right to demand it now. Fixed expectations and patterned behavior are very hard to change. It’s almost impossible with some slaves to reverse the mental and emotional damage done to their desire to obey and please, a desire that has been ignored for so long in favor of good-guy over-permissiveness. Typically, such midstream course changes or attempts to right things at far too late a point in the relationship result in its implosion. It’s often easier, not to mention saner, to start from scratch with a fresh mind and attitude than correct someone who expects you to be a certain way and to allow her to do certain things, and now feels deeply resentful toward you for taking these things away from her.


Anger Is Power

It’s inevitable that anger in a master-slave relationship will involve power. It is possible that the slave’s anger, if strong enough and not quashed, might usurp the master’s power. Sometimes a slave will gain power over her master by expressing a violent and unpleasant emotion (or even by just threatening to express it). While the anger may begin innocently as a non-manipulative explosion or a loss of self-control, it can quickly turn into a way of maintaining control over the master, if his response to her demonstrates that he is emotionally vulnerable to it. The female then becomes his harsh judge, his critic expressing disapproval over the way she is being treated and the way he is running things in general. She is constantly dissatisfied with his mastery, constantly asking him to change things to be more to her liking (although she will call this by other names, such as “manning up” or “being a real dominant.”) If he doesn’t see this power usurpation for what it is, he may respond with hurt feelings, question himself, try to make things better for her, even follow his slave’s advice on how to be a better master. A man twisted around his “slave’s” little finger in this way is no longer a master, if he ever were one. Making oneself the judge of another during a bout of anger is an indirect way of usurping psychological control. Men who want to be masters need to be on the lookout for this common female behavior, and control it when it happens. She may not realize what she is doing or how unslavelike it is. If a slave genuinely wants to submit deeply, she will feel shame, horror, and remorse over such behavior. A weaker woman, in contrast, one who only imagines she’s a slave, will deeply resent a man who points out any of her behavioral or character flaws. She will argue back at him (perhaps in her gentle humble-sounding slave voice, but very firmly and without backing down) about how wrong he is about her and try to turn the tables with a guilt trip: how mean or ignorant he is to point out that she is imperfect and that she is faltering when she tries so very hard for to be such a good slave. How intolerant of him! Fall for that guilt trip and all is lost. She’s had you, and she’ll quickly move forward to secure her power base, often unconsciously, without even realizing what a power-grabbing manipulator she is.



Like all fires, anger burns, anger hurts, anger destroys that which is good, and can bring down in a few minutes all that you have worked hard to build over many years. This is even more so when a slave feels anger at her master. Anger, not the slave, not the master, is the real enemy here, but such anger can only be brought under control and demolished if both individuals are willing to work vigorously and unrelentingly to do so. If a slave secretly wants to hold onto her righteous anger or if a soft master secretly wants to let her “freely express” herself, they will only encourage that inner fire to burn hotter, bolder. Eventually, it will leap up in a conflagration that utterly destroys the sacred and peaceful grove of their connecting bond. This particular fire within needs to be dowsed at all costs, even if it means total dampening or even destruction of other parts of a slave’s personality.

If a woman insists that she needs to be “Miss Free to Be Whatever I Want to Be,” she has no business whatsoever trying to be a slave. For a genuinely consensual, willing slave, what matters most is obedience to her master’s will and satisfying his desires, no matter what the cost to herself. This sacrifice (if you can call it that) is what enlivens her, gives her reason to live. If a master, on the other hand, is not willing to do what it takes to make this willing soul conform to his desires and commands, if he’s always ready to let her off the hook, forgive her without punishment or correction, believe her excuses for every transgression, he, too, has no business being a master. Both attitudes corrupt the power dynamic in the relationship, poison it with apparent cuddly softness, permission, and complacent, sleepy normalcy. Both invite evils like anger to enter in by the back door and take up residence in the relationship. If you are not yet a master or a slave, try to consider carefully whether you want to do a halfway job at it and perhaps end up doing nothing at all except perpetuate another conventional, ordinary relationship or whether you have the courage to live within your master or slave role to such depths that it becomes you—and you become it. This isn’t just for yourself: consider that someone may be counting on you to do this for them, to live up to your end of a most sacred bargain.

November 17, 2017

The Ten Biggest Mistakes Women Make 
When They Want to Serve a Man

Soon we’ll be publishing an article about a lost cause: an egotistical schemer of a woman who is blind to her own faults and imagines herself to be the most exemplary servant of love who ever lived, when she is actually a pestilence to any man who decides to try showing her what grace in submission is. That article, “How to be a Bad Slave,” should not be confused with this one which, although its descriptions of female behavior may sound bad, is not one-tenth as horrific as the depictions of that paragon of deception described in the title above. If the female in that other article could be described as committing felony after felony, we’d have to say that, in comparison, what follows here are misdemeanors. That is not to say that there are no overlaps between the two articles. Often bad slaves start in bad ways. Sometimes there is an assumption, a miscalculation, an oversight, or a hidden personality flaw described in what follows that becomes the point of origin for something much worse in the relationship later on down the road.

Below are ten of the most common pathways to deceit and self-sabotage women walk when attempting to show submission to men, particularly with the intent to serve as slaves. This list comes from years of empirical experience in dealing with such women from the perspectives of a master who has dealt with various personalities approaching him over the past twenty years and a slave who has served for even longer, watched other females stumble in courting dominant men, and done some stumbling herself from time to time.


A common mistake women who approach dominant men make is to claim to want to deeply serve and submit, when they are actually after something completely different. That “something” could be money or material things. It could be a ploy for marriage and security or something as shallow as prestige. It may be a little inaccurate to classify this behavior as a mistake (except perhaps a mistake of judgement) because this type of female often does this intentionally, though she’ll never admit it. Due to her cynicism, limited experience, and lack of real desire to submit, she cannot imagine that anybody actually serves another person completely out of their own free will and for no other reason than the sheer joy of giving pleasure to someone they adore. She just knows it’s a game—and she wants to play along so she can get some of the goodies she imagines others are getting.

So she comes to a master with some degree of pretense, maybe claiming she wants to contribute to his endeavors, collaborate with him or learn from him, and then, if he accepts the offered bait and they get to know each other, she suddenly claims an intense desire to serve him fully: he’s into that “master” thing (wink-wink) so she can better get her claws into him by pretending to be his type of girl. A dominant man who is quite familiar with how submissive women normally act will sense an incongruence between her behavior and her words. For all her wonderful talk, she may strike him as unusually aggressive or self-focused. He might notice that she’s more interested in hearing herself speak than listening to him. At this stage, if he is experienced, he’ll perform a simple test or two to try to flush her out: simple tests that a true-blue submissive female would pass with flying colors.

What does a man do when he suspects he may have been targeted by a con woman? He may start by asking her questions about what she likes or is willing to accept in submission, but many such females talk a good game and, if he is foolish enough to rely on her words alone, she will seem to score A’s on each verbal test. A more astute man will make her put her money where her mouth is—sometimes literally. He may, for instance, make the outrageous and unheard of demand that she start tithing him a monthly amount of cash. She may then try to fall back to her earlier position of contributing to his work or efforts and getting paid for it, or at least explaining in half a dozen convincing ways why she can’t, shouldn’t (and won’t) pay him, but if he’s got sense, he won’t be believing any of that now. Feeling bitter and frustrated, she may then claim the moral high ground and accuse him of having no ethics—when what is really going on is that the sheep she was hoping to so easily fleece is now deliberately suggesting she be fleeced.

Perhaps, if he senses her secret desire is for monogamy, he’ll insist she meet his other slaves and serve him together with them for an evening. Instead of being the new star of the show, she is treated as what she actually is at this point: a third-rate runner-up for his attention, a risk and potential liability and thus, the lowest girl on the totem pole. A woman who wants to be a genuine slave will not only tolerate this but will thrill to it. She’ll think it perfectly right that she is the lowest person in the harem and accept her position with grace and happiness because of the great privilege she’s been given of serving this wonderful man in person–and, of course, because it’s very hot for people like us to be low. A prima donna who wanted to have this man solely to herself will never settle for being a “humiliating” third or even second. There are a lot of ways to flush these pretenders out, but a man has to be patient, wait long enough to figure out what this girl is about, and then determine if she can actually do (as opposed to voluptuously talk about) anything difficult, any real challenge or sacrifice that thwarts or threatens the secret egotism or agenda she may be concealing.

So what advice is there for the woman in this situation? First of all, if she is genuine and the man she wants to serve is honest, she should just be her natural self, with no artifice, no attempts to impress or overwhelm him, and let him figure her out. He’ll determine her worth on his own if he’s as perceptive and confident as she believes him to be. As for the other types, we’re not exactly excited by the prospect of giving advice to congenital liars, pretty sociopaths, and women who otherwise give a bad name to every genuine slave out there (not to mention the more honest whores) but we will offer this rather obvious tidbit: if you’re hustling, make absolutely certain that the man you’re trying to fleece is dumber than you are. If, alas, you are so egotistical that you think you are smarter than anybody you meet, particularly those who are subtle enough to hide their piercing intelligence from a lazy self-flattering eye, you’ll likely find yourself, sooner rather than later, cluelessly trying to hitch a ride on a scorpion you have falsely perfumed with “Eau de Stupido.” Do not be surprised, in this case, when you do not escape his sting.

The sort of woman just described may learn, eventually, what real life and real people are all about through those two great teachers: time and hard knocks. But, if she is too stubborn to change her attitudes or her ways, these potentially wonderful teachers may make her worse, ever more entrenched in her ugly habits of whoring and greedily using up people to secure what she wants, unable to see those numerous lost opportunities and tragic mistakes along the way. One thing is guaranteed: none of us will be young forever. Sometimes time, and lots of it, can turn a person’s life around: cause her to wake up to the horror of what she has  chosen to become and determine to do better. If it doesn’t, if one is too stubborn and convinced of one’s superiority and importance despite how often stupid life decisions result in massive failure, then the only way left is down, and while it may seem like a soft, smooth coast while you’re still at the top, young, healthy, and attractive, in a few decades such people start to scrape and bruise on the rocks: they see the loss of everything they deemed important with nothing of substance to replace their inner emptiness. Don’t be that person.


Assuming that submission to a man will always go the way she imagines rather than his way, even though she knows she is entering into a relationship of service in which the man directs everything. This mistake, unlike the intentional hustle described earlier, is usually not meant with a conscious desire to deceive. Instead, it comes from the often unconscious assumption that “everything in life is always about me and should benefit me.” While a female may be unaware of this assumption, that just makes it easier for it to get in the way of successfully serving a man. A woman who entertains a me-centric fantasy about her master and how he will fulfill her every desire or goal can become deeply disappointed or even depressed when things don’t turn out the way she pictured they would. At worst, that disappointment becomes anger and blame: “He’s doing it all wrong” or “He’s intentionally trying to hurt me!” Expecting submission to be exactly how one has always imagined it or it isn’t “right” is very close to dictating the terms of service—and the person who dictates terms is the master, not the slave. The false expectation that everything is going to be hot, sexy, romantic, smooth, and just like she imagined it to be in her wildest dreams can cause a serving female to become angry and resentful when the one she is submitting to and obeying doesn’t conform to her inner script of perfect service (particularly if he’s not serving up the rewards and ego stroking she “deserves” for serving him). He’s just wrong and evil, too contrary, too unbending, too rigid, too unwilling to change (for her), etc. Never mind that she once agreed in a thrilled tremolo while kneeling before him to do absolutely anything he ordered her to. No matter she once was in awe of his superior wisdom and life knowledge. Solemn vows anchored only by shallow emotional thrills often fly out the window when such a woman feels thwarted, outraged, or disappointed that things are not going exactly as she imagined they would. He’s just not doing dominance the right way (her way), so she must either convince him of his cruel incompetence or move on to a more malleable man willing to get with her program and let her serve him in the manner she knows is true and right.

This attitude is something that is often assumed unconsciously, without the female at first being aware that she is doing it. A careful potential master will draw her out in detail about how she views slavery, what she imagines is the “right” way to be dominated or controlled, and then will verbally compare this to his own methods of domination to see if she is flexible enough to loosen her grip on her fixed ideas and simply follow him with devotion and respect. Is her love for this man strong enough to put aside her fantasies about the life she wants to lead? Can she just live an actual life of slavery under his control, following him to the ends of the earth, if needed? Or is this more of a playful sexual obsession for her, fueled by egotistical fantasies in which the master’s own personal feelings and desires barely matter unless they fit her playscript of how things should be? If it becomes clear that a woman is clinging to views of submission and service that are not quite what her master considers service and submission and if, despite this devotion to an ideal rather than to him, she insists she can still serve him in any way he wants, her master may have to push her a little and see if her resolve is just hot air or an actual desire to change for him. A wise man, no matter how attracted he is to the female before him or what potential he sees in her, will consider carefully the results of such tests and, if they are negative, ask himself if he wants to be served by an inflexible, headstrong servant who will constantly push him to do things her way.

A woman who really desires to serve a particular man can help this process along immensely by going into the relationship with as open a mind as she is capable of assuming and without a lot of preconceived ideas of how things are going to be. Often women can find out what preconceived ideas they have about a promising relationship by taking a close look at their fantasies about the man, both sexual and non-sexual. Yes, sometimes these are a bit extreme, but the details don’t matter as much as the overall patterns of relating that are revealed. Such fantasies tell us how we would ideally like the relationship to go. Sometimes these fantasies have been taught to us by a largely vanilla culture. Even if our cultural sources have been popular BDSM (like Fifty Shades of Grey) they are usually at their core quite conventional and promote the cultural ideals most popular at the time they were made. For instance, at this time the most prominent cultural ideal is feminism, and Fifty Shades, at least in the movie versions, is very careful to make the heroine very feminist and independent. While an independent and bratty feminist works for most casual men (including those posing as masters), a genuine master typically despises that type of self-important and self-obsessed know-it-all. He knows they’re not worth the time wasted in attempting to “break” them or somehow earn their respect.

If a woman discovers she has specific expectations as she is getting to know the man she wishes to serve, she should tell him about these immediately and let him prescribe the cure—if he deems one is needed (if her expectations are in sync with his reality, nothing may need to change). If she really admires this man and is determined to serve him well and he is open to hearing from her, then the best thing she can do is to politely and with respect for his time ask specific questions about his ideals and practices, about how things might be, or about what he believes most strongly about controlling and owning women and then listen very carefully to his answers, following up on anything that she finds difficult to accept rather than making the mistake of egotistically brushing potential conflicts off as something her marvelous personality will cause him to change for her or make an exception for. If she honestly wants to adopt his views about things, as most good servants do, then she needs to practice both remaining open-minded and being very honest (but not demanding) with him about the things that she finds disturbing or not as she expected. Doing both often requires a reduction in egotism and self-centeredness. Most women at this time are not only plagued by these awful characteristics, they are trained and encouraged to adopt them at an early age.


Arguing intensely with someone she claims to want to serve with her whole heart and soul about how things should be. In this case, an overblown ego is telling the arguer, “My advanced and superior ethics about service are the only right ones and any man who wants me serving him has got to understand that I will serve him the right way. (a.k.a. my way) ” But just who is serving who in such a scenario? The emotional math goes like this: he deeply misunderstands how wonderful and intelligent and worldly she is and his ignoring or rejecting her (right) views on matters is a deep insult. But here’s where the math does not add up: if all of the above is true about her than why isn’t she being served by this “obvious inferior” rather than the other way around? Why is she seeking to serve him if he is so clueless, incompetent, or needful of her wise perception and advice? Why, indeed!

A female whose speech and actions clearly show that she is thinking along these lines usually has a large, uncontrolled ego that desires to bask in frequent stroking and copious admiration from the man she looks up to. This is not at all unusual in the average woman today, as modern society strongly encourages females to assert themselves and polish their egos. Such a woman sometimes takes this self-centeredness to extremes, however: she feels that she is right and must be proven right, no matter what the cost to anyone or anything else, including service to her man and facing the simple truth about the situation. Such a woman has the strong potential to become a conventional nag in the future. Even so, it’s amazing how some men will accept this behavior from supposedly submissive females, which often consists of cracking a demoralizing whip of discontent, disappointment, and criticism constantly over their heads. One must wonder at their motives: is a hot piece of ass or the security of being in a relationship really that hard to get?

It’s quite difficult to provide advice to someone who is already completely convinced she knows best, except to suggest she try to open her mind just a little bit, but unfortunately this type is usually already convinced she has the most open mind of anyone she’s ever met and so nothing needs to change with her. Instead, it’s always someone else’s fault: they’re just too stupid to see her wonderful and wise intentions for what they actually are. A skilled master can sometimes work with such a blinded personality by showing the many situations in which she is wrong or mistaken in her assumptions and point out that this is why a smaller, wiser part of herself wanted to serve someone who is her intellectual and moral superior. This sort of demonstration will work if her ego has not built too large a fortress around her real self. Unfortunately, it’s also human nature to stubbornly dig in deeper when presented with facts that contradict our beliefs, otherwise known as the Backfire Effect. I have seen many women who insist they are slaves but who are incapable of opening up even the tiniest chink in the thick armored walls of their protective egos. They won’t open their minds enough to allow the attempts by their masters to contact their real selves (which, if they are lucky, may still be alive somewhere inside this bristling fortress of insecurity) succeed.


Laziness, sloppiness, flakiness and a pattern of excuses for all of the above. “Oh, it’s not important that I do this little thing he told me to do. It’s so minor.” “I don’t have to complete that task, I’m out of time and need to get my nails done.” “I just don’t want to do what he told me to do at this time, so I’ll lie about it and do it later. Since I’m not yet living with him, he’ll never know the difference.” “I’m very busy and stressed right now and I just don’t have the time for what he wants.” These are some of the rationalizations lazy females use to avoid doing the often simple and easy tasks assigned to them by men they claim they want to serve. Laziness is bad, but when combined with inner permission to avoid accountability, it’s highly erosive to any form of authority dynamic. But it can, over time, be corrected by a good master if the female is completely open and honest with him, as she should always be in these types of relationships. She should ask herself: how would she feel if somebody she wanted to serve was always late or frequently stood her up? What if he said they would do something over the weekend but then just mysteriously disappeared for days? What if he claimed he wanted her to live with him, and made extensive plans in that direction, but then out of blue and at the last minute (after she’d given up her current residence) simply told her it couldn’t happen now and never explained why? These scenarios would be the dominant version of laziness, sloppiness, and flakiness. It doesn’t sound very appealing, does it? A dominant man feels no different when a woman constantly lets him down. When she doesn’t do what she is told to do or what she says she will do, however simple and easy it might be, when she doesn’t keep her word, does things shoddily or incompletely, or gets things to him far later than when she promised, if at all, she has drifted into the shiftless abstract of laziness and complacency. If she combines her laziness with dishonesty and lies about the reasons for her incompetence, always having what she imagines is a “good excuse,” she’ll never gain his trust back once he suspects, tests for, and discovers how much she’s been lying to him. Dishonesty that extreme (and unnecessary) destroys this sort of relationship before it even begins.

There are two issues here: one is being an indolent flake who can’t be trusted to do anything she promises and the other is pretending she isn’t that person through lying. The first issue is easy to fix if the lazy female is serving a sane and just man: she just needs to admit what she has been doing wrong, feel genuine remorse for her past behavior, and accept any consequences that fall out from this revelation, whatever they may be. If the man completely cuts her off from him, that is his right, too. In that situation, she should once more express her deep regret at her transgression and then move on. If this sort of response on the man’s part seems unfair, she should try very hard not to provoke the next person she meets with flaky, irresponsible behavior.

The second issue, lying about what she has done, is far more difficult to fix. Lying to someone she claims to serve is a strong betrayal of everything this submissive woman was hoping to build and it’s natural that some men will not want to continue to dominate her once she admits this to them. But it’s still much better to admit it than to continue lying to him, because eventually she will be found out—and the fallout may even be worse then. When she comes clean with something she can still exit honorably at least, knowing she finally did the right thing, even if it was too late, even if it feels like she’s being punished by him. The best thing to do is just accept what happened, understand why it happened, resolve not to make that mistake again with the next man, and move on. But this is easier said than done. The long, hard road toward fixing this error lies in a deep, honest examination of oneself and one’s motives and doing the hard work of real personal improvement that builds character and effectively changes the undertow of defective thinking. This isn’t something that can happen over a matter of minutes or even a couple of days.


Intentional Lying. Whoops! She has an STD and he told her he never accepts service with someone who has STDs. We’ll, it’s just a minor STD. It doesn’t kill you. No need to mention it or help prevent him from getting it too. Actually, that would be good, because then she’d have company! Or maybe she’s claimed a lot more for herself than is actually true: claimed to be a talented and accomplished artist or an established writer with a book contract, claimed she’s very wealthy, or that she’s a very experienced submissive who, of course, deeply understands slavery, etc.. Whatever it is, this lie (or lies, if she is compulsive in that area) completely destroys everything she claims to want to build with a dominant man as his trusted, reliable servant. We’re describing some bad things in this article, but lying to her master takes the cake as the worst error a potential servant can make. A great many faults can be forgiven, even faults of extreme ego, but lying is something that is very hard to recover from—whether the female is found out or not. Even a moderately intelligent master will regard the liar who claimed she wanted to serve him just as one would an asp: something dangerous and potentially deadly one should avoid contact with at all costs. With a very intelligent master, she’ll never recover, and given how subtle genuinely intelligent people tend to be, she may never realize that he knew all along she’d lied to him about various things and just let her continue with it, because it interested or benefited him in some way to do so. When a liar doesn’t know she is found out, she tends to get lazy and sloppy with her lies.

One useful strategy to employ when you notice or highly suspect somebody is lying to you is to feign ignorance about what they are doing. That way, you can watch them covertly and they, not having been put on their guard against you, will continue to lie in ways that are more easily discerned as lies. Knowing how someone lies and what they lie about is useful information when dealing with an enemy that is close to you: and a female who is purposefully and willfully lying to you is most definitely your enemy, however fond of her you may be. Be on high alert once you suspect strongly that you are being lied to. A female may lie once, about something very important or frightening to her, and then never again. Or she may lie so constantly and habitually that her first response to any question you ask is always a direct lie, or a question that confounds the conversation and covers her tracks. It’s important to know what it is you are dealing with here, so do not immediately give the game away, as much as you may want to let her know you’ve caught her. Wait and watch. If it’s a one-time thing, you can talk to her later about it (after you’ve determined she’s not consistently lying), determine the reasons for it, and then apply any corrective measure you deem necessary. The end game, ultimately, must be to expose the lying and salvage what you can from the liar. Putting off this hard work only compounds the security of the liar and her habit of lying, along with the extended insult of you appearing unobservant and naive in her eyes, so don’t take up the game of play a sucker to catch a sucker too long. Life is short and time spending it in positivity is crucial.

And word of caution: sometimes seeing and believing isn’t always right. What appears to be a lie at first blush may turn out to be the truth after all, so be methodical and objective in gauging her honesty. Gather the information necessary to convince yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt that she’s manipulating truth, otherwise you may raise unnecessary conflict.

Compulsive, extensive lying tends to have deep, snarled roots in mental dysfunction. It wreaks so much havoc in the lives of others that life is better off alone than with a chronic liar. Luckily, most of us do not have to face this hard choice. We just move on to someone more suited for us, once we determine the person we are with cannot be trusted…with anything.

We have no advice for compulsive liars except for advice they probably won’t take, but here it goes: if you should ever get a glimmering that this this a problem for you (typically other people will tell you over and over again to stop lying to them—that’s how you know, so start listening to them rather than denying it), immediately go get the best professional help you can. You need a psychologist who is an expert in dealing with liars, or you will just lie to him or her and nothing will be fixed. Not so strangely, compulsive liars often do not know that this is their tragic flaw, for the person they lie to the most is themselves and they tend to assume others are just like them: telling them lies out of self-interest.


Entering a relationship of service with the intent to manipulate the man you serve into becoming the form of male you prefer. There are many women, some young and inexperienced with life, some a little older—most of whom have already run through half a dozen half-baked “masters”—who have this fixed idea in their heads about what the ideal master has to do to be worthy of them. They have an intense desire to change men into their ideal instead of opening themselves to to a man’s style of mastery and dominance, absorbing his spirit as their own. This is most often done by women who are both deeply willful and insecure at the same time. While similar to the females discussed above in item 2, this woman is more concerned with shaping the man she is involved with rather than scripting the relationship. She is Pygmalion and he her raw chunk of marble male waiting to be carved into the perfect master, for her. Such a woman wants to be controlled, but only in the ways in which she dictates or considers right. When she comes across a compliant man who needs to please her (sadly, this isn’t exactly unusual these days), she has the potential to use this desire to subtly shape him into her ideal. And should this effort succeed, she’ll likely find herself strangely dissatisfied with her creation and increasingly frustrated that he doesn’t assert himself more at unexpected times, rather than only in the circumstances she has “programmed” him to respond like a master in.

This sort of woman is trapped in a pit of her own making: she’s unwilling to relax, stop trying to control everything, and just follow the man’s lead but she’s deeply dissatisfied by the agreeable, helpful, obedient creature she has turned this man into. She’s often too scared to approach or stay with a strong male, because her inner control freak won’t allow it, and so she pretends to herself to be deeply concerned with her own safety and well-being around anyone strong enough to truly dominate her. That way she can have her weak man posing as dominant and stay subtly in charge.

Such females need to get honest with themselves and give up the illusions of their submission. They can either become female dominants or get into a profession, like sales, where their particular combination of aggression, insecurity, and need to be in control at all times can be a bonus. But some of them feel they have to explore and conquer every world out there that seems the least bit attractive or intriguing, and so when they arrive on our shores, they naturally convince themselves that maybe submission to a man is the key to the joy and happiness they’ve been looking for all their lives—despite the fact their understanding of femininity and submission is deeply flawed. Our advice to such a woman is “Know Thyself.” Figure out what you really want in life, what makes you deeply passionate, and if it happens to be submission, go for it with all of your heart, soul, and sincerity. Once you know the man you wish to serve and have learned to trust in him, do not hold back. Pour yourself into the mold, leaving nothing spared. Do not insist upon retaining a sliver of control, for this will corrupt you in time, as your submission will be imperfect. Your future master may let you retain some of your power in the world, if it benefits him and doesn’t corrupt you, but he might also insist that you leave everything familiar behind and simply follow him. That’s what slavery is all about: stepping off that steep cliff, abandoning everything for the man you crave to serve with all of your heart.


Serving from a position of deep selfishness rather than selflessness or wanting to serve out of a desire to please/improve yourself, not to please him and improve his life. Often the woman who does this is in complete denial of her selfish, grasping nature. She is one of the best slaves that ever lived, and her master is there primarily to help her fulfill her potential so she can become the woman of her dreams. Never mind all those crashed, burned-out relationships that litter the freeway of her past life. She just happened to meet 5…10…20…or 30 men who were absolutely horrible and who treated her terribly! It was never her fault! They were all evil or stupid or wrong in some way, according to her. Maybe this track record means she has a problem with perception, but she really doesn’t want to believe this because she knows for a fact that she is a Good Girl—saintly even. The men of her past were all just insensitive dullards incapable of understanding and appreciating her pure motives and the beauty of her soul. This time, with her new master, she knows things will be different. The man who hears such a woman’s sob stories about terrible failed relationships and doesn’t grasp that she, herself, is the only thing all these “terrible” men had in common probably deserves everything he’s likely to get from her: to put it politely, a massively dysfunctional “learning experience.” It’s flattering to think of oneself as the single good man in a woman’s life that’s been darkened by miserable disappointments, but realize this might be a trap of male ego. Admittedly, it feels really good to think you are the only decent male amidst a batch of misfits or cretins, but beware: it can sometimes take a man duped by a female’s beauty and sob stories years to extricate himself from the slimy tentacles her needy, co-dependent, and extremely self-centered personality.

Men should learn to recognize this type from miles away so that they can avoid them at a very early stage. “Miles away” is a metaphor for the first few conversations: you can often tell from these what she is really like inside. Men often learn about this type from being burned by women with the same personality flaws: when they met yet another female who talks a lot like the one who wasted two or more years of their time, effort, and commitment, they will tend to watch her very carefully, if they decide to proceed at all.

Women who are selfish very often do not realize how selfish they are. They are wrapped up in a pipe dream, partially encouraged by the female centrism of the modern age, of what good, self-sacrificing, pure, helpful angels they are. They do not realize the depths of their selfishness and how self-interest extends into almost everything they think and do. It’s this illusion of her innate female goodness and an unwillingness to let it go that leads a deeply selfish woman to steamroller over others as she lives her supposedly caring and giving life. Sometimes such women are so broken mentally and emotionally that they refuse to see the horrible damage their masquerading causes everyone they come in close contact with. A woman with a bad case of this disease won’t even be reading this paragraph, as she’s utterly convinced that nothing in the above descriptions apply in the least to her (she’s probably not on a site like this anyway). She just knows that she never hurts other people, that she never lets anyone down, that she doesn’t think only of her own pleasure, for she has such a beautiful, caring mind and soul. She is this wonderful angel who cares so deeply when animals (or sometimes humans, particularly those far away from her) are harmed –but treats the people around her, those regularly in her life, quite differently.

Often such women want to serve someone due to their fantasies of being such perfect, loving, selfless angels. It’s important for a man to observe how a woman who describes herself in this way acts in real life around the people closest to her, particularly those who depend upon her. Is she is constantly disappointing them, letting them down, promising wonderful things (because it makes her feel good to do so) but never following through (because she doesn’t want to be bothered, and her needs always come first)? Does she forget her promises, break her commitments, including those to her family in order spend time with you?  (As flattering as this may be, it is a warning sign that you may be next to be neglected when she becomes familiar with you.) Finally, does she express her aggression passively?  Does she beg for a desire to serve selflessly and then, when given an opportunity, whine worriedly in a stressed-out tone over most commands she is given, pretending that what you want her to do will hurt others as well as herself, and she’s just wisely looking out (something you can’t do, apparently) for everybody’s welfare? The latter sort of woman tends to have a huge pleasant fantasy in her head about what service and obedience feels like and an actual master who demands real service from his slaves, service that benefits him, is not serving up the easy and soft romantic program she expects.

Keep in mind that a woman who loves to serve genuinely and unselfishly seldom describes herself in these glowing selfless goddess terms. If anything, she will take great pains to warn you about her personal flaws, downplay her good points, and hold, in general, a relatively low self-opinion because she is highly mindful and self-critical. Some self-described masters claim these purer types, these simple-hearted, altruistic, loving women are “boring.” Something in them craves the more “exciting” highly aggressive or hysterical, constantly-throwing-obstacles-in-one’s-path, head case. This preference is usually a clear indication that being a dominant rather than a master, a man without complete control over a woman would be more rewarding for this sort of person.  A man who wants to truly master a female loves the compliant, obedient, self-effacing types, as they are so cooperative in their enslavement, so giving of themselves, and actually enjoy submission. They strive to make things easy for their masters and hate causing conflict. It is intensely erotic, for someone who loves controlling others, to dominate someone so willing and cooperative with her own subjugation.


Underestimating Him. Most often it’s his intelligence. Women who are mentally just slightly above average, maybe on the 60th percentile, are far less likely to perceive that someone else is immensely more intelligent than they are. For one thing, very smart people, if they’re emotionally mature, often don’t hammer their extreme intelligence down the throats of others, even if they can. They know they’re smart and feel no need to constantly advertise that fact. They save their brilliance for when it is really needed or where it will do the most good. A slightly smarter than average girl will tend to believe an intelligent male is on the same level or slightly less intelligent than herself. She will, particularly if she is young and inexperienced, lecture him wisely on the ways of the world, boast directly or indirectly about her intellectual prowess, and, because she cannot understand or grasp the multiple levels of an intelligent man’s responses and because, while aware of that, he’s sensitive and polite over her lack of mental horsepower, she’ll start to think of him as quite dense. Because a sixty-percenter has seen that she is smarter than some people (or perhaps others have, for various reasons of their own, let her believe this), she assumes these experiences indicate that she is extraordinarily brilliant—smarter than almost everyone alive and certainly smarter than just about everyone she meets.

A woman will also often underestimate the man’s overall moral superiority over her. (And yes, I did say his moral superiority!) Many women have the ability to ruthlessly lie to men, steal or use all of their resources, flake out on them and let them down constantly, act completely irresponsibly, defy the men they claim to obey, rage at them when they don’t get their way, nag them incessantly, threaten to abandon the relationships they took sacred vows to maintain, insist men totally accept all their lies, and after all that, think of themselves as angelic, harmless victims.

So how does a women who is a self-satisfied poster-child for mental and emotional Dunning-Kruger effect  learn that this is what she is so that she can honestly address her false, egotistical, self-aggrandizing beliefs? Asking someone with this condition to diagnose themselves or to accept the diagnosis of an objective observer is bound to fail, because her need to believe she is good at everything is often based in abysmally deep insecurity and low-self-esteem. Normally, a woman with low self-esteem can make a great servant. In fact, I would go so far as to say they make the best servants for various psychological reasons that could be the subject of an entirely separate article (and probably already was—see “Doormat!,” for instance), but they only do so if they are aware of their low self-esteem and willingly, even warmly, accept it as part of who they are, practices which encourage growth and require real moral fiber. The typical intellectual diva or selfless moral angel will never admit that all of her hot air comes from a deep insecurity inside her. For whatever reason, she’s decided, often on a deeply unconscious level, that the best way to proceed with life and get what she wants out of it is to don a very strong, extroverted, false face over the person she really is, because she imagines it is one that most people will love and adore. A woman with this problem who manages to let some fresh air of reality inside may realize she has a problem she needs to deal with and get help with her insecurity. Such obviously false and flashy personalities are like the tiny running car that is the base of the gigantic balloon that everybody sees floating down the street during a parade…and applauds. Without that hidden little car tethered to the huge balloon, directing it and pulling it along, that big, fat plastic bag of hot air would just float away helplessly in the sky. The insecurity is the driver, the controller of a gigantic ego and it’s that insecurity the female needs to look down from her elevated heights and recognize, not only as a part of herself, but the most important part: the part she needs to address if she’s to be of any real use or worth to anybody, particularly a very dominant man.

Perhaps a small way in which a woman with this defect in her nature can start addressing it would be to try to observe, before she says something she wants to say (or, at very least, right after she says it) whether what was communicated was meant to help someone else, convey useful information, express a positive emotion, or…make herself look good, build her personal reputation with another person or group, impress somebody, prove to someone how smart or morally superior she is, defend her ego in some way, show off how much she knows or has done, or promote her greatness in some other way. For the moment, just observe: say what you want to say or write what you want to write: do not edit it into a more self-flattering and modest version of the original. Instead, try to determine, as honestly as you can, where the statements came from. What motivated you to communicate this? Did you feel this person would not respect you if you didn’t toot your own horn loudly? Were you afraid a group would ignore you if you didn’t have the best war story to tell? Why did you feel it imperative to lie, gloss over, or “imaginatively enhance” a certain part of your life rather than telling the simple truth about what happened or who you really are? As a starting point, this sort of self-questioning is more than enough. The answers, if they are honest ones, will be painful, so a woman should not overindulge in this as it’s possible to develop a hypocritical masochistic taste for this sort of self-revelation and to start doing it in public (i.e. showing off again, just in a way that’s a little less perceptible to others). It’s perfectly fine to continue on as normal for most of the time, but a woman who knows she’s like this should set aside a little time, once a day maybe or once a week, to look closely at what she is saying or doing. Overindulgence in self-observation, for any person, often leads to mental paralysis (based on the false idea that one can’t do anything without doing something awful) or harmful thoughts, so consider this exercise a case where one pill might help but a hundred will likely cause serious harm. Gradually, she may find herself improving her observational skills and self-objectivity, enough to quietly begin to reform her thinking and resulting behavior. Of course, having honest, if harsh, feedback from one’s master could speed this process along, if the female were genuinely sincere and remorseful for the bloated egotist she has been.

The desire to examine oneself, while it may be ordered from outside, is also something that has to come from within. Honest self-examination can be so painful that a woman really has to see a strong benefit to doing it to stay the course. Some people get fed up with nothing ever working right for them, with their relationships always failing, with friends becoming alienated, with someone they treated badly dying before they could say they were sorry and at some point they get a glimmering that the common denominator in all those failures isn’t this great variety of other “mean” people out there—it is themselves, and themselves only. Other times, a female may have to suffer seriously painful setbacks and losses in life, and, after numerous periods of grief and denial, come to realize that the reasons for some of the things that “randomly happened” to her were clearly caused by herself, particularly by her attitudes. Other times, the realization may be instantaneous: out of the blue a woman may catch herself in a really egotistical moment, really see the ugly things she is doing and saying, experience her less-than-pure motivations with crystal clarity, and  start to hate what she has become. Howsoever it comes, without a strong desire to learn and then to change, a habitual egotist is not going to make much headway with such an exercise. Her mind will always find convenient, plausible excuses for each statement and each behavior.


Taking him for granted. This usually doesn’t occur until after the relationship has established itself and the female has grown comfortable in her role. Even if she’s managed to avoid all of the mistakes described above, it is very easy, particularly if the man she serves is fair, just, and affectionate with her, to start taking his good nature for granted. She may start to assume that anything she asks for she can eventually get, if she asks enough times or in enough different ways. She may even begin to assume that her desires will never be turned down. She may start to view a kind man as a facilitator of her personal growth, pleasure, and experiences—a vending machine popping out attention, gifts, advice, or other goodies every time she pushes the “whine–I’m unhappy, master!”  button. She may start to forget, after a while, how awful or unfulfilling her other relationships have been. She may even, if she becomes too proud and complacent, assume that men like him are everywhere and that she can find another just like him without a lot of trouble. When complacency sets in, the typical female relaxes too much and she stops caring. She stops doing her chores as meticulously as she once did and begins to slack off with other responsibilities, like not bringing home his favorite fruits or changing the bed sheets long past when they should have been changed. She may forget to address the man she serves in a respectful tone, forget to follow the household rules, or just become so contented and full of well-being from all the careful attention the man has given her than she forgets she is there to serve him.

We see lots of these lazy, self-satisfied “slaves” hanging out on public message boards, where they spend huge amounts of time each day boasting about what great servants they are to their men while, at the same time, giving others condescending and often snarky advice, or attacking them. You can’t help but notice  the disease when you see these vicious kitties boast-posting in every single group or thread that mentions masters or slaves, or engaging in their second-favorite pastime: viciously attacking others, particularly dominant men who don’t immediately suck up to them and females who strike them as more servile than they are. They spend so much time doing these things that you tend to wonder what their houses look like. Keeping a home clean and beautiful, shopping for and preparing good, healthy home-cooked meals, taking care of children, running errands, and working hard in other ways to make one’s master’s life pleasant takes a great deal of time. Good servants have time, only rarely, to post extensively online. They certainly don’t live online or live for the adulation of cliques and attack gangs.

Complacency is something that a woman serving a man should immediately report if she sees it growing in herself, as, generally speaking, it’s only something the man can fix. Punishment works well in this area, particularly if she hasn’t had to be punished in a while. The shock of it, if the punishment is affecting enough, will often bring her to her senses and make her wonder what in the world she was doing. Unfortunately, so many dominant men who start out with good intentions become absentee landlords toward their females. I suspect this is particularly true of the aimless and unpleasant cliques of women we see online who claim to be slaves. There’s likely a big leap of reality between their lives lived behind a keyboard and their actual lives.


Only able to serve if she is given attention or other things she craves. Some would-be servants operate on the unspoken and often unexamined marketplace principle that they can only fully serve a man if he is giving them something in return—something besides dominance, control, structure, and meaning, that is. The favored currency is often attention, but other compensation is also accepted. If given regular, repetitive duties to perform, they do not do them unless ordered to each and every time they are scheduled to do them. A woman who cares about her master’s comfort, wishes, and pleasure just quietly does her assigned tasks, whatever these might be, when she is supposed to do them so that she doesn’t inconvenience him. She doesn’t require constant shots of the attention drug: reminders, exhortations, scoldings, punishments, long talks about her behavior (all things which, even while negative on the surface, feed some women’s insatiable need for constant attention). She waits patiently until her master desires to give her some attention. The attention that comes her way, when it does come, is usually positive because she’s been functioning as a servant should: quietly performing her duties and awaiting the pleasure of her master’s company when and how he desires to give it. Females new to service often think of it as a sort of job or career in which they must be “paid,” usually with special attention from their masters but also with physical comforts, gifts, or even money. They make the common beginner’s mistake of turning a relationship that is supposed to be about unselfish service that demands nothing in return into a crass mercantile transaction and become increasingly disobedient if they don’t get their regular fix of whatever it is they are after. Although she may not demand money, such a woman is a common form of prostitute: the attention whore. And, for attention whores, being paid in their preferred coin is far more important than your needs, no matter how much they talk about devotion. A very good way to test the potential of a possible servant is to explain to her what selfless service entails, and, if she agrees this is what she wants, to see how well she can function without constant regular attention from you: without reminders about her duties, without constant supportive texts, emails, or phone calls. Cutting someone off cold-turkey is very harsh and confusing: even the best of slaves come up with questions that need clarification or worries/issues they need to discuss with their masters, so keeping oneself available is a good idea for a man with a new or potential slave. But if you find she needs or expects a lot more time and attention, even in the early stages, and she is strident or lays blame when she doesn’t get it immediately, this should tell you something.

A woman who won’t do the simplest things without first getting her expected shot of “attention-heroin” from her master is the farthest thing from a submissive females there is, no matter how saintly she regards herself. She’s a crass negotiator, making it clear to you that she will only do this thing if she gets that thing in exchange. She may try to mask this resentful disobedience in plausible excuses like, “I just forgot,” or in performing the service shoddily and partially, leaving lots undone to demonstrate how little she cares about your desires for good work from her. While forgetting an order once or twice is common during the learning stage, if it is regular, it’s a sign there is a problem. She doesn’t care enough to do what it takes to remember to perform the task or remember how to do it right. Note that such a female never forgets when you promise to take her out for dinner or for drinks or buy her clothing or take her on a vacation (and will remind you constantly of this if you forget!) Strangely, she also never forgets when it’s time to get an expensive, self-indulgent beauty treatment or when her favorite TV show is on or that she wants to have pizza for dinner. But somehow her memory isn’t capable of recalling that you told her to rake up all the leaves in the yard, not just some of them, or that you have told her six times never to put certain delicate items in the wash. Sometimes forgetting is a physical/mental issue that you and she must find ways to work with and improve, ways such as by writing things down or using other mnemonic techniques. But more often, it’s just a sign that she couldn’t care less about your goals, objectives, or needs without hers being considered, and so gives the tasks assigned her only partial attention and focus.

If a woman becomes aware of the mercenary prostitute she’s become, she can start to change. The hardest part for females who exude these flaws is becoming aware of their true natures in the first place. Even if the man is strong enough to insist she see the truth about herself and the  grasping nature of her service, she will, if she’s deeply committed to the transactional “I must get as good as I give” attitude, either dismiss her master’s dissatisfaction in her head as nonsense, think he is unfairly attacking her, or completely admit to her fault in the moment, but then forget a few minutes after the conversation that this issue was even brought up. There isn’t much that can be done with a female in such an extreme stage of denial. A man might want to let her go off and experience the harshness and disappointments life brings to those who regularly deny reality. Even then, if she calls crawling back to you, years later, repentant, she will no longer be the enchanting creature you once wanted to own (“Yet neer the self-same men shall meet; the years shall make us other men.”–Robert Graves). The world will likely have done other things to her personality: coarsened it, made her more capable of other forms of deception, and embittered her. The only hope for such a female is that, no matter how hard it is, she must realize at the time she is with a master how unsubmissive she is. Then, she must have an intense and sincere desire (not motivated by a craving for more reciprocation) to change, and then, more important than anything else, actually follow through on her plan to change. A sane, smart man can help her a little by discussing this ugly thing inside her and strategizing on ways to defeat it, but because it is a part of her, only she can do the hard work of changing. Many such women, if they get some encouragement to change from their masters, will incorrectly regard them as the instigators of the change: the master will somehow wave his magical wand to fix his slave and she won’t have to make any effort of her own. Assuming that attitude is huge mistake on the woman’s part and will likely result in failure to change if she refuses to take the responsibility that is solely hers.

Women: Are you fired up over this article? We admit that we didn’t hold anything back or soften our words to make them more palatable. We hope you can eventually put your shock and upset aside and read again with an open mind, because if you can get past the harsh words, we strongly believe there’s plenty to learn above. This list represents many years of experience with dealing with many wayward women who claim interest in submission but fall horribly short of the mark when tested. Marc, as a master with more than twenty years of experience in domination, has seen just about every trick under the sun, from honest mistakes of ignorance to deep-set personality disorders. Nina, who has served two masters over the course of her life, has watched from the other side of the dynamic as women have approached the men she serves, only to crash and burn. She’s lived long enough to have seen the patterns of deception and manipulation in women who fail at serving. It’s our sincere hope that men who are prospective masters, dominants, or husbands consider these ten monumental errors carefully and watch out for them when training their females. We hope females honestly seeking submission read these points carefully, too. Doing so may save years of trial, error, pain and conflict in attempting to truly submit with all the best of intentions, despite some hidden enemies of the psyche lying within.