August 12, 2020

Humbled Females: new forum reply to Hello World

New reply from teejayel

<p>Dom 2099 says,</p>
<li>"I want to step up and be a dominant husband a<em>nd </em></li>
<li><em>she wants so desperately to be submissive and taken in-hand</em>.</li>
<li>I have the desire, but I am not sure about the confidence and skills. I lack confidence and too easily falter when questioned.</li>
<li><em><strong>I have trouble expressing exactly what I want out of a Domestic Discipline life-style.</strong></em></li>
<li><em>We have tried and failed several times over the years</em> and</li>
<li>it always came down to me not following through."</li>
<p>It's almost impossible to comment from a distance, other than with impressions, but:</p>
<p>Comments 1, 2 say that she is keen, (very keen? I see that she found this site) but also that you want to please her in this area, thus to a certain extent she is setting the agenda. It's good to hear what she says, but it's <em>advice</em> from her and <em>your</em> decision. </p>
<p>Comment 3 says you have the desire. (Build on that, let your imagination run free), but comment 4 says you are not sure what you want. Comment 4 says that whilst you know what you desire, you are perhaps seeking what you think you <em>both</em> might want and not finding it. Go with what you know <em>you</em> want. She'll fit in. To put it bluntly, that's what she's for. </p>
<p>Comments 5 and 6 suggest that your heart isn't quite in what you are trying to do. This probably means that you are just a nice guy who likes the girl and thinks "What, do I really want to do that? What if I do and she doesn't like me any more?" The fact is, you'll remain a nice guy, whatever you do, and if she's worth it, she won't baulk at you or what you want (and probably wants it more than you think, consciously, or deep down).</p>
<p>An exchange in my life, F: "I didn't really want to do that." M: (cheerily and lovingly) "It's okay, I don't mind!"</p>
<p>I also saw a thing on low testosterone. Not sure that matters too much. The UK nightclub owner, Peter Stringfellow, said that he had low testosterone, so needed his women to be extra sexy to motivate him. They seemed happy to comply. Or in other words, it doesn't matter. Work with what you've got. </p>
<p>I also saw things about rules and schedules. Maybe. If it fits. But nothing artificial. Don't make a rod for your back. If you believe in it, it'll work. More important is that things are on a ratchet. Once they've happened and are accepted, that's the rule and practice. They can be codified later. There will come a time when all the mini-consents build to something that seems quite substantial if written down. And it can be completely random. Like denying her the right to touch the TV remote. (Though it then helps if what you want to watch can be enjoyed by both: having the same cultural tastes works). When you set a rule it's like deciding to get in a rowing boat. You have to be comfortable committing to the act or you'll end up in the water. Revisit and update at leisure. </p>
<p>With regards to motivation, I think that the <strong>first point</strong> is to consider exactly what you want. Concentrate on the desire aspect. Then gently move in that direction and check her response. You'll be fairly clear what works and what needs more work (that is, she doesn't agree yet, but will). </p>
<p><strong>Secondly</strong>, the direction of the relationship is all, not its content. Female submission can be as simple as a woman being told to strip, or as complicated as her detailed consent to perform as you wish, when you wish, in any way you wish. And ignore trivia. She can certainly have areas of responsibility in things that don't interest you.  But not in those that do.</p>
<p>The classic male-female thing is, M: "What would you like to do?" F: "I don't mind, what would <em>you</em> like to do?". M: "How about [<em>can be anything from a Disneyland visit to triple orifice sex</em>]?" F: "No, I don't want to do that." You want to take responsibility and also have something that pleases both of you. But a compromise might please neither. So find something you actually want to do, say, "this is what we are going to do," and do it. Enjoy it. </p>
<p><strong>Thirdly</strong> it can certainly be an iterative process. Encourage her to tell you her fantasies. You might be surprised what you find. If they interest you, make them happen (within reason). But be sure to make sure it is <em>not</em> done on her terms. If she wants something and you do too (and only if you do too) make sure that you take <em>just a little more</em> than she offers. It's a hard thing to say, but she should <em>never</em> feel in control. The mindset to cultivate is that she is there for your pleasure. Once more, it's what she is for. (With mine, I found a useful tool was that I would photograph her and she would agree that the photos were my property and none of her business. That is, that she had in effect consented that she had no right not to be seen naked, even if in practice only by me. She puts her trust in you, but with the knowledge that she has given you the right to betray that trust on a whim. Whether you do depends entirely on the degree of development and the privacy of your relationship. And all is consent. </p>
<p><strong>Fourthly</strong>, there might be a need for specific motivation. I recall that things moved forward for me when she made me very angry on one occasion. When she realized what she had done and was apologetic, I was angry enough to make her feel it. Her response set a new boundary between us, with her on the back foot (and liking it more than she was prepared to admit). Once a woman has been palpably aroused by something you have done, despite herself or any higher feelings she might have, you'll find positive feedback. I was sometimes surprised at what was conceded. After all, we were a very conventional couple.</p>
<p><strong>Fifthly</strong>, at a certain level women like being told what to do, even those who seem to wish to issue instructions all the time. At some level, what some do is what they crave to receive. I have discussed the duality where a woman wants to be respected for ability and intellect but is also, to pick on Shakespeare, "a poor, bare, forked animal". It's a fact. Her desires are not the same as yours, but complementary, and must be judged from that perspective. Also, she may not be aware of all of her desires. To an extent you must sometimes suppress feelings of love and gentleness towards her and guide her, along the lines of her instincts, to where you want her. You can nurture her soul, but sometimes you have to suppress your tenderness towards her enough to bring out her sexual potential. Female personality and subject, female sex object. They like both if they are well-made (beware those who are not). During courtship they might protest they want the former, until they are sure of you, when the knowing sexuality kicks in and they become biddable, consciously or otherwise. </p>
<p>Sometimes it's a little difficult. Eg; I had spanked mine gently during sex. She was aroused. She had enjoyed it. I decided that she should also be spanked when she was not aroused in a non-sexual context. I tried it. She was not amused. It was a bit difficult. She was upset. I backed off. But returned to the matter in discussion some time later. She asked why? I said that I thought that something that she had no control over, specifically a humiliation, would make her a nicer person, and because she had granted that gift to me, make me care for her more. She said how could that be true if she didn't like it? I said that she would like it because of the submission. By and by she would find that it made her wet. It took some time (and I  never made a huge thing of it, the principle of submission was more important) but by an by she submitted instantly and all I had said came to pass. </p>
<p><strong>Sixthly</strong>, women sometimes grant lesser things without noticing as they concentrate on things more prominent in their consciousness. Mine was so taken with whether she approved of being collared (it aroused her greatly, but she wasn't sure that it should, but of course it happened anyway) that she completely forgot that she was routinely stripped naked and stayed like that, or that she was touched wherever and whenever I thought fit in any circumstance. By the time she had made up her mind to accept the collar it was hardly worth contesting the rest. Especially, because it was all in as loving, matter of fact atmosphere. </p>
<p><strong>Seventh</strong>: In the final analysis, you'll develop together. It'll be all too clear what works. You'll go in that direction. Everything must be within sensible limits (you shouldn't ask unreasonable things of her or she of you) but there's a huge range within which to work, depending on the couple. </p>

Original Post by Dom2099

Hello World

<p>Hello all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am struggling and in need of guidance. I want to be a dominant man, but I'm afraid that I possess too many submissive traits. My father was an every-other-weekend dad. He is very nice guy, but defiantly not dominant over anything. I was always the shy kid who never said much and when I did, I tried to make it funny so people would laugh. I never had a girlfriend because I could not get up the nerve to talk to any girls outside of school-related situations. Looking back, I'm fairly sure that some girls were interested in me, but I was so self-loathing that I could never see the signs or refused to believe that any girl could want me. I was raised by my mother until about 5 when she married a new man. He was basically a bully. He would push me to 'not be a pussy', but he would never really attempt to help me be anything different. When I hit puberty, I gained a lot of weight and it stayed. I was ashamed of my body and never got any encouragement from any males in my life. I think that a bit of the issue is that I have never really had any strong male figures in my life to look up to or to go to with problems. Both sides of my family are matriarchies.</p>
<p>When I was around 25 and still living at home, I decided I wanted to make a change so I agreed to meet a girl my cousin knew. She was very attractive, funny, seemed to know what she wanted and actually seemed interested in me. Fast forward to now and we have been together 10 years and married for 5.</p>
<p>We are to the point that we need to change our dynamic. I am working from home and she is currently going back to school. I have become too complacent in letting her 'steer the ship' and make the decisions. It feels like I moved out of my mom's house and into hers and I fell right back into being OK with a woman in-charge. I want to step up and be a dominant husband and she wants so desperately to be submissive and taken in-hand. I have the desire, but I am not sure about the confidence and skills. I lack confidence and too easily falter when questioned. I have trouble expressing exactly what I want out of a Domestic Discipline life-style. We have tried and failed several times over the years and it always came down to me not following through. I have been reading though many of the posts and articles on this site and I am really liking the spot somewhere between a submissive slave and a 50's style marriage where 'Daddy-knows-best'. I want to lead, but I seem to not be able to convince myself I am a leader.</p>
<p>Any advice or pseudo mentoring would be very appreciated.</p>

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