May 26, 2018

Anger: The Fire Inside

By Nina E.

Photo by Marc Esadrian

Maya, a childless woman in her late 20s, hopes to become Richard’s slave one day. She and Richard met online and have had a couple of wonderful visits, but they live miles apart and for now the relationship is mostly conducted remotely. This is her first experience with enslavement. It’s frustrating and hard to live apart from one’s master, but Maya feels it is worth it, and understands that merging their lives together will take time.

Richard, 34, is very strict with her, despite the fact that they do not yet live together, and, under his rule, Maya performs a great many duties and tasks she never had to do before. Instead of letting her apartment go for days or weeks until she feels in the mood for cleaning, she must keep it spotless: clean up the kitchen after every meal and wash the dishes; vacuum, dust, and clean the bathroom once a week; throw out trash on a daily basis; and so on. She is also required to watch her weight, exercise five times a week, not drink nearly as much as she used to, and perform numerous odd jobs for him that sometimes cause her to miss her former free time and recreations. Everything in her life has changed and, most recently, she has been required to reduce her spending and send a part of her income to Richard every month. She is no longer allowed to spend money on clothes, makeup, wine or cocktails, entertainment, or other non-essentials without permission—she must run these all by Richard first. Even though she knows this discipline and cutting back is for her own good and preparing her for the rigors of slavery, a small secret part of her has begun to feel resentful of Richard, to think of him as the enemy, the person who denies her all pleasures and good times, while he gets to have “all the fun.” This isn’t entirely true, and she knows this. He allows her small and regular indulgences. And he is very self-disciplined in the way he treats himself. But she still feels resentful. She has started to compare her far-more restricted life to that of her friends and coworkers and feels she is coming up short.

Maya doesn’t mention any of this resentment to Richard. She takes pride in being an ideal slave and, under a pseudonym, regularly boasts about her pristine behavior on kinky social networks. She has quite a stake in being “the perfect slave.” Thus, she ignores the rumblings under the surface, the building resentment, the growing unease with “being treated unfairly.” Although ignored by her, these feelings grow stronger and, without her realizing it, they start to show themselves in subtle ways. For example, when she sends part of her pay to Richard every month, she is required to express mail cash to him on the day the paycheck arrives. At first she kept to this schedule perfectly. But for the last two months, she’s ended up sending the money a few days late, and this month she didn’t even send it by overnight express mail, but instead chose a less expensive (and longer) mail service. When Richard asks her, “Where’s the check?” she lies: “I don’t know, Sir. I put it in the mail at the appropriate time. Maybe the post office lost it.” When he gets the package several days later, and sees it wasn’t sent overnight, he again asks her what happened. She pretends ignorance, claiming she accidentally chose the wrong service. When he tells her he doesn’t believe her, she explodes. She starts crying and angrily asks him, “How can you not believe me? Have I ever lied to you before?” She does this even though she knows that right this moment she is busily lying to him.

What Richard does next, in response to Maya’s increasing carelessness and her dishonesty about it, may set the tone of the relationship for years to come. If he handles it correctly, he’ll either have a better slave as a result or she’ll be cut loose—a loss, to be true—but better than the alternative: an untrustworthy and deceitful subordinate. If he doesn’t handle this situation correctly, he’ll likely doom himself to several years of living hell with a woman who resents him, feels he is wrong and unfair, and feels justified in lying to him and secretly defying his authority at the drop of a hat. If, at this late stage, he calls her on any of this, he’ll face increasingly more anger, more crying fits, more attempts to get him to conform and not do or be what a master naturally does and is. Whether Richard can handle this situation successfully depends a lot on what he knows about anger and what he knows about slaves.


Anger’s Role in a Slave’s Life

Where does anger come from? Why do we feel it? Why, especially, do submissive women, even slaves, feel it toward the ones they love the most, the ones they claim to be deeply dedicated to serving and pleasing? There are many psychological theories floating around about anger’s roots, its meaning, and its general role in ordinary human lives. There are numerous philosophical and religious points of view about it, as well. But what will be discussed here is something much more specific: anger’s place and role in the life of a slave. What is that place and role? Perhaps a diagram would help illustrate this:

That’s right. Anger has zero, none, no place and no role in the life of a slave when it is directed toward her master. It may be useful for other purposes. It can be applied to outside objects in much the way a tool or a weapon can be taken off the shelf and used when needed, but it has as much place in a relationship with the man who controls a woman’s life, actions, sustenance, and happiness as an active chainsaw does in a chamber music recital.

This may initially strike some as a closed-minded and narrow view. It’s only human and natural to express anger, isn’t it? And isn’t it particularly hard for slaves, who give up so much, not to feel frustrated at times? Well, most people also think that the idea of a woman irrevocably giving up her own life to serve another person represents a closed-minded and narrow view: it’s only human and natural to be free, isn’t it? But, quite clearly, some of us thrive in that narrowness and restriction and would think others wrong for characterizing our choice this way or denying us the right to live a life without freedom, if that is what we wish. A narrow perspective is not necessarily an incorrect perspective, especially when the context for the point of view is experienced and understood. Nor does a narrow perspective always equal an impossible-to-meet perspective.

There are paths out of that dark, rotting jungle of excited, self-righteous rage that some people spend much of their waking time in. Consistent anger is a habit, a learned response that once got the person who feels it something good. And now it’s become a robotic strategy…

Yet this idea may still strike others as an impossible view. “How can a slave living intimately with her master not get angry with him upon occasion? It’s not natural that she wouldn’t lose it at times given all she endures for him. This requires someone who is perfect, inhuman!” Endures? Really? If slavery were largely endurance of something deeply unpleasant or repellent, practically nobody would consensually elect to experience it—and I would strongly question the emotional stability and motivations of those who did. But even if we take out that unfortunate choice of words, I don’t think this objection holds water. I have never felt anger toward my Master and I am very human and a far cry from perfect. I’ve known him for over three years. If losing my temper was going to happen, it surely would have happened by now, wouldn’t it? And no, he doesn’t have me terrified of every little move I make. If he did, how could I possibly write articles like this? I’d be far too fearful to express any creative opinions at all if I lived under a reign of terror. There is no terror to freely express myself happening here—but there is also not a sign, not a hint, of anger. Why? We’ll get into the reasons below.

Some readers may imagine that I am lying about my lack of anger. I must be experiencing some sort of profound inhibition, repressing my feelings, or otherwise fooling myself. Those women who are particularly prone to deep anger and are secretly ashamed of it will be most uncomfortable with the idea that somebody else, particularly someone who seems to be in a situation similar to their own, doesn’t feel it at all, let alone feel it violently and uncontrollably wash over her. For the sake of their own equilibrium, such women may need to imagine that someone who claims what I do is representing herself falsely or, at very least, is deeply confused. But I’m not claiming innocence of the emotion. I understand anger very well. I experienced mountains of it in a prior enslavement and certainly got the “Screeching Bitch From Hell” T-shirt. I know exactly what uncontrollable rage feels like. But I do not feel it anymore.

There are paths out of that dark, rotting jungle of excited, self-righteous rage that some people spend much of their waking time in. Consistent anger is a habit, a learned response that once got the person who feels it something good. Months or years later, it’s become a robotic strategy, something one does because it still feels vaguely good, even if its returns are increasingly diminished and even if the anger sabotages one’s hopes and goals. The path out of this emotional quagmire is often not a clear and simple one, as each person needs to approach this in their own way, but it starts out by recognizing and then beginning to listen to one’s conscience. A very angry person knows, deep inside, that venting such emotions is inappropriate, over the top, and, most of all, that it hurts others. She knows, deep inside, that her attitude is wrong and unfair, and that someday she’ll need to stop before she alienates everyone around her, particularly the man she swore to loyally serve and obey. But right now… Well, it’s just so gratifying to vent. Even fun at times. She feels so right, so justified. Surely she cannot, should not, keep all of these important feelings pent up inside! They’re an essential part of her self-expression! And then there’s the sweet little fact that she can get many things she wants very easily by manipulating her man in this way. It can be quite hard to give up the anger racket: it provides so many apparent rewards. But it’s not impossible, particularly when one starts to be sickened by such rewards.

When you are a slave you experience a deeply negative side to anger that a free person doesn’t typically feel. To occasionally rage at someone close to you doesn’t go against any core principles of a standard marriage or other relationship of equals. You might feel guilty over treating another badly but you don’t feel as if you are rebelling against the foundations of your relationship or personal identity when you do so. With consensual slaves, however, it’s a very different story. A slave will generally have a tiny voice of conscience reminding her that not only is anger inappropriate toward her master but this horrific way of behaving is also the antithesis of all of her vows to him and all her best intentions and desires about being a slave. If she starts to listen to that small voice within, she’ll begin to feel remorse. She’ll start to realize that these emotional excesses are harmful and wrong to express toward the one you adore and serve. It feels truly horrible to act so disrespectfully toward the man you swore to love, worship, and obey. A slave may not feel anything is wrong right away, but after her anger recedes, she feels awful: like such a bad person. She’s been defiant, stubborn, hostile, and rude to her beloved master. She feels frustration over being so out of control and unable to react calmly to things. She is horrified at her tendency to just impulsively explode, even though she knows how wrong and inappropriate that is. And, if the anger has happened over and over again, she knows how very difficult it is to control, even when she is aware of it and realizes how wrong it is.

Remorse over bad behavior and horror at being unable to control herself is the place that a slave who really wants to change can start from. Most of us can’t go very far with this on our own, as the best of intentions get swept away in the next wave of habitual anger. But sometimes all it takes is simple recognition to begin to change a negative personality trait. My first master told me that before he had developed control over his anger, he used to habitually rage at people close to him. One day, he heard over the phone the hurt tone in his mother’s voice in response to this rage and he realized he was needlessly causing pain to people he cared most about. Was it really more important to “be right” or to prove with verbal violence that you are right? That was all it took for him. This shameful realization of his bullying behavior was enough to allow him, over time, to bring his anger under complete control. For those of us less in control of ourselves (and most slaves probably fall into this category), it may take something far more, such a severe life change, to bring home to us the point that the anger has to go, particularly if it is something we’ve been taught is good or right, something we should always freely express.


My Story

What follows is a story about anger. My own anger. It began during the time of my enslavement to my first master, quite a few years ago. I wasn’t always anger-free. After reaching puberty, before I even knew the word slave, I think I had a slightly higher than normal amount of anger. I felt it on occasion toward the people around me, first toward my family then later toward live-in partners (love interests, in particular). Sometimes I expressed it, if I knew the person well enough to let my hair down around them, and often they got angry back. But many times I didn’t because I was timid and afraid of repercussions.

At times I turned my anger inward and, because I also have low-self-esteem, I believe my first master, who knew more than a little about human psychology, thought the two were related. Because I didn’t express outward anger, I must be turning it inward, toward myself, and that’s why I had such a terrible self-opinion. It makes good psychological sense but, in my case, it wasn’t entirely true. I had (and still have) what others imagine to be a terrible self-opinion because I see myself and my flaws fairly clearly, and I intentionally keep them uppermost in mind so that I can work on them. But my master at that time was my god, a god I listened to closely and eagerly, a god I did not question, and if he said my self-esteem issues were due to repressed anger, that was the end of the story. It was now the truth, my truth.

My first master wanted to fix what he saw as my self-esteem problem and he made a number of changes that felt pretty good but were, in hindsight, the last things I needed. Probably a different sort of person would have responded well to these changes, but I was not that person. He constantly praised me, shored up my ego, and helped me to achieve some external successes so I’d feel better about myself. Under this barrage of well-meant flattery and buildup I began to feel not just good about myself, but like very hot stuff. I began to get arrogant, proud, vain, full of myself, and increasingly, intolerant and contemptuous toward others.

After a couple years of this ego building, he began the next phase: he told me that he wanted me always, without hesitation, to express my anger when I felt it, especially if I felt it toward him. He even offered me his upper arm as my personal punching bag! He told me to hit it with my fist as hard as I wanted to when I was angry. At first, I was horrified at being ordered to do this. A slave shouldn’t be hitting her master! But it was an order and I obeyed. And so began my days as “A Very Angry Woman.” I raked people over the coals online, even friends who admired me. I’d scream at a customer service representative who gave me the slightest runaround on the phone. And, increasingly, I began yelling, screaming, and raging at my master at the slightest provocation. It was as if Pandora’s box had opened and all the evil little demons inside me were flying out and hurting others—and I could not close the lid.

Nor did I want to close that lid. I rather enjoyed being angry. It meant that inside my head I was always right, others were always wrong, and I never had to apologize. My master encouraged this. He not only told me I was right but that I was right to feel anger at all those “incompetent idiots” who seemed to surround me at that time. He still thought that letting out the steam of anger would prevent me from turning it against myself and was the best way to deal with my low self-esteem. (The possibility that low self-esteem might not be such a bad thing for one who aspires to extreme enslavement never came up, alas.) It was worse when I was premenstrual, and both the anger and the PMS got worse as the years passed. It reached a point where I refused to sit down and talk to my master when I was in one of my violent, ugly moods. If he tried to get me to talk when I didn’t want to talk, I’d just scream and scream at the top of my lungs until I shouted him down and he stopped. I’d cover my ears, yelling, “No! No! Shut up! I won’t listen!” We talked about controlling this anger during times when I was calmer, but I couldn’t see how to do it, even when he told me how he did it, long ago, with his own anger. The truth is, I didn’t want to see how. I swam in a world of intense, angry, righteous emotion and oh, it felt so very good!

It reached a point where he decided that PMS must be the problem. He sent me to a doctor who prescribed an antidepressant that was known to have had some success with treating PMS symptoms. It seemed to help a little, but not much. I continued to rage on, at everyone and everything. Even later, when hormones were no longer an excuse for this behavior, I still acted abysmally, screaming and yelling at anyone who got in my way or suggested I might be wrong. I was particularly harsh to my beloved master. It was habitual by then. I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to wean myself from the rush of being right all the time, the rush of crushing all opposition, the great feeling of lashing out at those who had “unjustly wronged me.” At other times I was a pretty good slave: obedient, extremely loyal, not easily disturbed, always present and calmly handling the crises that occurred around my former master’s increasing health issues. But I couldn’t let go of the addictive and now-habitual expression of intense anger.

Derision, disgust, or biting sarcasm can be delivered with the softest and gentlest of tones. Most psychologists seem to agree, however, that expressions of anger are culturally imparted, and therein lies great hope for slaves and deeply submissive women with anger problems: we are not permanently locked in by our natures to a pattern of angry response. If we really want to, we can relearn how to express and even experience anger. Anger doesn’t have to inevitably result in havoc and destruction. In fact, it doesn’t have to appear at all.

Eventually, as my first master became sicker and had more near brushes with death, feelings of terror, horror, and denial replaced rage as my primary emotions. As we struggled to survive amidst rapidly mounting medical bills, almost no income, and his constant health crises, I had little time to indulge in anger, except online with the few friends that stuck with me through this awful time. But I ended up alienating even those brave souls. When my master finally died, I felt as though I had entered the gates of hell. No matter how angry I had become toward him, he had continued to love me back strongly, purely, and unconditionally; he never became angry in response to my outrageous outbursts; and he had tried to protect me and make me happy in so many ways. As humans often do, I recognized this truth about him and our relationship only when it was too late, only when he was gone, only when I had nothing left. Imagine the sun just shuts off. It disappears and the world gets darker and colder with each passing day. That was my emotional landscape. The giant warm sun of his love and care for me, something that had surrounded me for years, was gone—just like that. I had nothing left. Nor could I turn to any friends for support. I tried, but no one would have anything to do with me let alone offer comfort or care though this horrible experience of being cut completely loose from the one who had so deeply controlled my life and gave it meaning and hope.

I wandered through this dark, cold, empty, void, this lonely place of no hope or help, where I felt hated by others and where I hated myself, for many years. I sobbed every day for hours at a time. Something about that experience, of losing his loving presence, profoundly changed me. All my rage, all my fire, burnt out. My life became very narrow. I focused on physical survival. I wished to provide a home for our beloved pet cat until its death, and so I worked, slowly and clumsily, to improve the immediate financial and personal-health ruins I found myself in. I got a few small breaks here and there, just enough to keep my head above water and my body off the streets, and slowly tried to build up from that. My devastation was complete. My self-image, already low, was at its lowest. I reviewed my life with my deceased master frequently and hated myself for the contemptuous, disrespectful and enraged ways I’d treated him. I desired nothing more than to die and follow him, but I felt I had to honor his desire to care for our little pet, so I stayed alive.

Working to survive was good for me: it distracted me somewhat from the emotional pain. My fortunes began to rise a little, I was able to afford semi-regular health care, and my abysmal physical condition improved little by little. Eventually there came whole days and then later weeks when I did not sob for hours. I reached a point where I could listen to music again (before it’d send me into paroxysms of grief) and watch movies again, but I could never listen to or watch anything I’d shared with him. These experiences always had to be new. In my attempts to distract myself, I started making new friends online and also tried to salvage old friendships, although the latter were pretty much a lost cause by then. The rejections were hard to take, but I can’t say I didn’t deserve them.

At a certain stage, I started laughing, then I started thinking about being owned again, and finally I began looking around for a compatible man. I was healing, at last. I had a false start, got taken by an online player and lost a couple of years, but I picked myself up and eventually met my current Master. I had respect for Him from the very start and also a little fear mixed in with immense attraction and love for His honest, complex personality. He had a depth to His personality that I’d never encountered in anyone else and I deeply admired His razor-sharp intelligence and His honorable soul. It’s been several years and none of these feelings toward Him have left me. What hasn’t returned is the anger. It’s nowhere to be found and, after several years of this, I am finding it hard to believe I’ll ever experience it with Him. My raging temper seems so foreign to me now, so alien, as if I were some other person that I no longer fully understand.


What’s Behind the Story

One reason I related this long and painful personal history with anger was so that readers wouldn’t need to ask the obvious question: what’s a female who has no experience with anger with her master doing talking to us about anger? As you can see, I do have quite extensive experience with feeling anger at a master, just not with my current Master. I’m certainly not recommending that angry slaves should experience the death of the one whom they love and depend on the most in order to rid themselves of their anger. But I am saying that anger is a terribly hard beast to rein in once it starts to take over, and sometimes it may take an event that that is the equivalent of an emotional earthquake—something that completely changes your perspective on life—to bring it under control. Barring that, there may be a few useful elements in this story that others can take away from it, particularly those who find their anger uncontrollable in the way I once did or those who own an angry slave. I’d like to look next at what some of these things are.


Where Does Anger Come From?

In one sense, the reasons for anger don’t really matter. For many of us, discovering the reason for the rage is counterproductive because these reasons can then be used to further justify that anger. What matters more is finding ways to bring that anger, wherever it happens to come from, under control. Still, the old adage, “know thy enemy,” is as true in this case as it is in so many others areas of life and getting a firm grasp on where your slave’s anger (or your own, if you are the slave) is coming from might lead to some methods for dealing effectively with it.

It’s not always possible to find the true reasons for anger. My first master was a brilliant man and well-schooled in psychology, but he never grasped how the anger he ordered me to freely express destroyed my ability to believe I was a slave, let alone a good slave. That horrible rage undermined everything I did, put the lie to every act of obedience, and I lived daily with the belief that I was a fraud, a sham, a pretend slave. I was a good slave in the sense that I obeyed him about expressing my anger, but in the long run this specific act of obedience made me a terrible slave overall to him. This is a contradiction you will sometimes run into with consensual slavery. Sometimes a master, with the best of intentions, will order a slave to do something that is inherently non-slavelike. She strives to obey, she tells herself it’s OK to do this because her master has ordered it, but inside she feels less and less like she is owned by him and more and more like she’s independent or the one steering the ship or even, as I felt, just some vanilla shrew-wife who is totally out of control. Take great care, if you don’t already, with what you order your slave to do. A forced contradiction such as the one I experienced can badly confuse a slave and eventually render her worthless. Had my first master not sickened and died, and had the horror that followed this shattering event not shoved my anger off center stage entirely, I have no doubt it would have worsened until I finally reached a point where I insisted upon my freedom. My master was a deeply patient man who loved me dearly: he would not have given up on me. But I am not nearly as strong. I am certain I would have eventually reached a point of self-righteous blindness so extreme that I would have betrayed everything I’d loved and lived for all of those long years. And then I would have been lost. I would have never been able to trust myself to be a slave again. Since I need to be a slave, that would have been a form of living death. As horrific as my former master’s death was, it may have, in a sense, been a kinder fate to experience than what might have occurred had he lived.

Anger is a natural human response, say virtually all modern psychologists, to experiences of being slighted, denied something, treated shabbily, or threatened. It can be a positive response in some contexts, such as anger at social injustice, because it energizes and motivates those feeling it to try to do something about unfair conditions. But most of the time anger arises in response to one’s ego feeling slighted or not given its due; to having one’s desires thwarted or ignored; to being treated aggressively, mockingly, or condescendingly by someone else; to feeling that someone or something is not being fair or considerate, not giving you what you deserve. A person’s response to anger, while it may be slightly colored by genetics, is definitely something that is learned. Children who grow up in families where anger is out in the open and lots of shouting and other emotional displays go on, tend, as grownups, to act similarly. Those living in families where anger is something colder and more hidden, learn to express it in the same stealthy, passive-aggressive manner their parents did. Maybe there isn’t a lot of shouting in those households, but words, when spoken, tend to strike like poisoned darts to the heart. Derision, disgust, or biting sarcasm can be delivered with the softest and gentlest of tones. Most psychologists seem to agree, however, that expressions of anger are culturally imparted, and therein lies great hope for slaves and deeply submissive women with anger problems: we are not permanently locked in by our natures to a pattern of angry response. If we really want to, we can relearn how to express and even experience anger. Anger doesn’t have to inevitably result in havoc and destruction. In fact, it doesn’t have to appear at all. While not easy, it’s never too late to attempt this sort of sea change as long as we realize that we can change and are willing to do whatever it takes to bring this about.

A slave or someone deeply serious about her submission needs to look at this question from an earlier point in time, I think. She needs to start not at the point of changing one’s behavior during or upon onset of anger toward her master but rather question the source of the anger: Why am I feeling this emotion at all toward my master? When and how did it start? What place has it in my desire to serve him lovingly and always please him? Is the anger I feel paired with a loss of respect for him or his actions? Have I come to feel entitled to certain treatment or attitudes from him and then annoyed when I don’t get them? Am I starting to feel he should respect me as much as I respect him, listen to me as much as I listen to him, even love me as much as I love him? Have I, perhaps without realizing it, come to desire “fairer” treatment, the treatment one would offer an equal or a wife, rather than the treatment he prefers to give to a slave? Do certain things that he says or does grate on my nerves? Why do they bother me? Are these really things I think he must change? Why do I feel he should change to please me rather than freely doing what he wants to do? Is there something else he is doing that I find disturbing? (Sometimes a different, more threatening action, such as one’s master seeing other females, can be the real trigger for anger, but if a slave feels it is not safe or right for a “good slave” to feel anger at such a thing, she may transfer her anger onto something more trivial and safer.)

The above are examples of exploratory questions a woman who is enslaved to a man can start to ask herself to get a grasp on the roots of the anger, to start to figure out where it is coming from. At the beginning of her enslavement it’s unlikely she felt this emotion. Instead, she probably felt deep attraction and respect for her master, awe even, or fear. But sometimes, as time passes and easy patterns become established, as people grow familiar, a slave may become too comfortable with her life, assume too much is her natural due from her master, become bored by her routine, or even get annoyed by what he doesn’t give her. Sloppiness isn’t limited to behavior. A slave can become complacent or sloppy in her thinking or emotions, can grow to expect ever more special treatment from her master, because, well, after all, he knows now how wonderful she is. She’s proven her loyalty and demonstrated many other marvelous and valuable traits. So why shouldn’t he treat her as if he recognized her value in his life? This last line of thinking is very close to transactional or contractual: I will provide something to you as long as you provide me with whatever reward (be it physical, psychological, or emotional) that I think at the time is worth my service to you. While this sort of mercenary trading of favors is extremely common in all other relationships, in one calling itself master and slave, it spells the death of the enslavement and the stage where the “master” and the “slave” are just mouthing words, words that signify a reality that is no longer lived.

Perhaps a slave, without realizing it, becomes angry at something her master does that she knows she must not question or protest, but is nevertheless disturbing. Maybe it is a dawning realization that she’s never going to meet or be a part of his family or even live with him, that’s she’s not going to have his children, that she’s going to be forced to work outside the home and will never experience her 1950s-domestic-bliss household dream that, despite knowing better, she still associates with slavery. The death of such dreams or expectations, if she was unwise enough to harbor them in her heart despite his clear descriptions of what to expect from being his slave, may mean that no matter how well the slave serves him and how pleased he is with that service, it is not enough for her. Perhaps one of the services he demands she perform for him on a regular basis is one she has a great deal of trouble accepting, perhaps it disturbs her on some deep level that she is not even aware of. Then, when she feels anger, she must connect it in her mind to something else, something “safer.” Unraveling the knots that lead to the real sources of anger may require time or experience she does not yet have. Just because you are able to ask a question doesn’t mean you will receive an instant, clear, detailed answer (or understand it, even if you do). A complex human psyche is not an Internet search engine and often a troubled slave must exercise patience in this endeavor and not act rashly or impulsively.


How Anger Hides

There is this silly notion that gets bandied about BDSM forums that once you become a slave you are magically perfect and obedient. This false expectation can cause some slaves to hide their anger from their masters and from themselves. They suppress it because they can’t bear the thought that they are so “imperfect” as to feel such an ugly emotion in “the most beautiful of relationships.” This suppression, which they consider good, is actually causing harm, as it is hiding something important from him, and will likely result in the slave exploding in a rage some day. Little signs of discontent, minor grumblings, any time one feels something is “not fair,” need to be brought to the attention of one’s master. But before that natural openness can happen, the master needs to make it clear that this information is encouraged and desired, and that he does not want her to suppress any of her minor gripes. He must insist that she bring those to him no matter how hard it is and even if she knows she will be punished for it. A lot of women, due to a craving for easy, carefree relationships and emotional smoothness (or due to cowardice or shame at having negative feelings in the first place) will not come clean about things like anger, disagreement, worry, or frustration even if encouraged to do so. They try to be “Little Miss Perfect Slave” until one day, out of the blue, they just explode. It takes an astute master with a keen eye, a man capable of seeing beyond himself to notice the small signs a female slave will give away as the inner pressure builds and builds. These signs will mostly be non-verbal: posture, tardiness in obedience or response to him, odd tones of voice, and other little things that he might miss if he is not paying attention or buys into her myth that she is this sweet, calm little angel who never gets angry.

Maybe her anger, whatever its source, is being expressed so passively that she doesn’t even realize it is anger. When we think of passive-aggressiveness, what often comes to mind are individuals who make snide, cutting comments disguised under a thin veneer of politeness. But passive anger isn’t necessarily that obvious. The Wikipedia lists a great number of other forms that passive anger can take. For a slave, this can involve not doing something that she is required to do, such as forgetting to properly address her master in the manner she’s been instructed or not following other attitude protocols; neglecting to give her man information about her thoughts and emotions that he needs in order to control her fully and correctly; not informing him of useful or positive news that may be advantageous for him; not desiring harm for him but not desiring to help him either; apathy toward things that matter to him such as not caring if he fails or succeeds at something important; avoiding him in direct or not-so-direct ways; defeatism toward the tasks he gives her: an inability to see them as an opportunity to stretch and grow but rather as foredoomed failures; finding numerous rational-sounding excuses for why she simply cannot do at this time whatever it is he has told her to do; and so on. A slave with passive anger is in a difficult position: first, she must recognize that she is angry (or accept her master’s word for it that she is). Only then can she explore the causes for that anger.


Slave Anger: Common Myths and Theories

Let’s look next at some popular ideas about anger circulating within the BDSM social networks. Does anger in a slave have to be experienced at all toward her master? Should it ever rear its head in such relationships? Most master-slave discussions on generic BDSM sites in which the participants, for all their sadomasochistic posturing and preening, are largely very conventional people, answer these questions with a resounding YES! It’s only natural and human that a slave should get angry at times with her master, in fact the relationship would not be “healthy” if she didn’t. In a thread about anger on a BDSM forum, the descriptions given by slaves of their anger and their reasons for feeling it included things like:

* I threaten to walk if master “pushes” me.

* I don’t raise my voice but we both get furious and silent.

* Well, you’re human and that won’t change. He can learn to let you let your anger run its course. Oh and also, if you come from a family that settles things with anger, it’s OK.

* I have (insert fashionable mental illness du jour) so I have an excuse, but as a compromise to him, when I feel I am losing it I walk away.

* I need to be alone to cool down, I cannot discuss things with him when I’m enraged.

* If I get overly frustrated I use a safe word.

* Slavery tends to strip many women of their basic adult aspects. Because of that, throwing temper tantrums is just fine! It’s to be expected, even.

*Isn’t it disrespecting the man when you decide what he is allowed to have or not have (by controlling your anger)? It just seems strange to me that so many women seem afraid or uncomfortable with “giving” their master their anger.

* If I lose it, I lose it. He’ll deal with it.

* We don’t have the type of dynamic where he puts me back in line. It’s my job to do that.

* Slavery isn’t about being submissive, it’s just about being a slave so I find it weird that all of you think you must be meek and submissive and not show anger. In fact, you aren’t being a slave if you try to control your anger all on your own.

* When you are conditioned to talk in a calm voice by a desire to please or by fear or both you’re lying.

* Those who want to live it as the meek and weak slave with the strong and all powerful master are phonies and less real than we strong slaves who express anger naturally.

* The only way you can talk in a pleasing calm tone of voice when you are upset is if you are “naturally meek.”

* There is no wrong way to release your anger. The implication that there is a wrong way to do these means that people expect the slave to be IN CONTROL.


Analysis and Response

The most astonishing thing about these justifications for anger is that they are the types of things that you would expect to hear (and do hear, time and again) from women who have never heard the initials “BDSM” when they talk about their very conventional relationships with their very conventional boyfriends and husbands. There is no acknowledgment in any of these responses that enslavement is in the least bit different from any other sort of romantic relationship. A slave, apparently, owes very little or no respect to her master. Her emotions and, in particular, her sacred right to express them at any time are of utmost importance and sacrosanct: they take priority over everything else, including however her master might feel about this. In Roman times, a female slave with this attitude would have been whipped until she couldn’t move, beheaded, or sold. But in modern times for most “master-slave” couples, even for those who are very vocal in online forums about how “extreme” and “deep” their relationships are, obedience is largely a joke or a pleasant fantasy. The slave isn’t there to please the master, unless it happens to flatter her enormous ego to do so. She’s in it for herself. Those of us who genuinely care about authentic slavery find this sort of cynical, slave-but-not-really conduct and presentation disgusting.

In examining the remarks more closely, you can see that there is certainly a lot of whining, passing the buck, excuse-making, laziness, and re-spinning of anger and a master’s “correct” response to it going on in the above comments. While these are mostly comments made by self-identified “slaves,” one gets the distinct feeling that a lot of these women are actually in fairly normal, equal-partner relationships (even if they don’t call them that). Some may even be engaged in daddy-girl role-play dynamics, which frequently involve a doting, overly permissive “father figure” who lets his spoiled-brat “girl” largely run wild with maybe a little hot spanky at the end of the day. The highly conventional assumption behind most of these remarks is that getting furious at your master is not only unavoidable but completely justified, just as it would be with with a boyfriend or a husband who did not own or control you. A slave should never be expected to control her anger; at best, she can only do behavioral damage control (like speak a safe word or walk away). But some of these so-called “slaves” are claiming they can’t even do that or that it means they are in control of the relationship if they try to exercise even the smallest amount of self-restraint. Given the sneering disregard for the so-called “meek, mild, and submissive” slave, I’d wager the masters of such women have done very little to actively control the extremely ugly twin forces of anger and pride in these females. This is not an atypical response to a possibly hot topic. The same posters, when observed in other contexts, are entirely unrestrained, reactive, destructive little anger ‘bots with no impulse control whatsoever. No actual slave, I would hope, would ever talk this sort of rot or act as spoiled, hateful, and presumptuous as they do online.

The unanimous answer coming from this thread’s comments was that yes, anger is natural in a slave, even anger at her master is perfectly natural and either he must deal with it or she must temporarily leave her condition of slavery and take independent actions, such as isolating herself from him in order to cool down, because that is the only way it can be controlled. The answer coming from Humbled Females, however, is that a vicious, unruly bitch who lives to attack others online and who mouths off to her master, claiming that “it’s his problem” if he doesn’t leave her alone to handle it in the way she decides is best, is no slave whatsoever. This female is not being controlled in the least: her ugly behavior and her “I’m-entitled-to-act-out” attitude tells you everything you need to know about this bitter, haughty, domineering, vindictive, and utterly self-absorbed creature. When I read such remarks, I see the same false, self-justifying philosophy that my former master had me adopt being promoted as the gospel truth. It makes me ashamed all over again at the way I used to be.

I don’t buy the self-serving and lazy idea that anger is something that’s entirely a master’s job to control. It’s his job if he tells you in no uncertain terms it is that, but passing the buck onto him to fix your ugly personality traits, volunteering him for the dirty, hard work of cleaning out your soul’s debris, is not only self-serving and indolent, but impossible. Soul-cleansing does not come from without, you don’t get baptized or swallow a holy wafer or don an eternity collar and suddenly all your mean, lazy, ugly, controlling little ways fly off on angel’s wings. Change comes from within, always. You’ve got to want to change and then, to make any of that desire worthwhile and not a self-flattering lie, you’ve got to take the next step, which is to actually change. Nobody can do this for you. There are no free rides here. Anger is something that arises from within a slave and while her master can train her, teach her relaxation techniques, help her realize the sources of her anger, and discipline her when she transgresses, she must, ultimately, do the hard work of changing herself. She is the only one who can change her desire to indulge in this ugly emotion in the first place. She is the one who must alter a false and self-serving belief that it is her god-given right to explode all over the one you love and respect the most, that this is “only natural.”

To do this involves both changing her expression of anger and neutering the causes for that anger. With some slaves, the primary source of anger can be fear: fear of not getting something she needs, fear of being hurt, fear of trying to do something that is hard. All of these fears are common in those who lack control over their lives or are experiencing control being taken away. It’s easier and far more comfortable for many people to transform such a fear into anger and make the master the evil villian who “causes” the anger: how dare he whip me so hard? How dare he deny me dinner tonight? How dare he order me to sell half my possessions at a yard sale? How dare he take another woman on an exotic vacation and leave me home alone? When feeling anger, you don’t have to experience the terror and concern for the future that a complete lack of control can bring into your life. Habitual anger may bring a little comfort to a woman who probably shouldn’t have declared herself a slave in the first place.

Ideally, someone shouldn’t consider becoming a slave if they have such huge problems with giving up basic areas of control. But if a female, however ill-prepared, insists she must be a slave and if she later experiences fear-turned-to-anger because she can’t deal with the realities of slavery, then, while it becomes incumbent upon her master to insist that she change and perhaps even guide her along the path to change, she is going to have to do most of the hard, tedious work of actually changing herself. She’s got to be motivated enough to want to get a grip on her anger and deal honestly with its sources, however scary that might be. If this fails, she may demonize her master in her mind if he is strong or secretly hate him in her heart if he is weak enough to capitulate to her angry demands. If either of these outcomes occur, you’ll get a relationship that is anything but master-slave.

Sometimes there is just no right way to handle a slave’s anger. If she’s too addicted to it, too wedded to always being right, she’s undergoing a mild form of insanity. She’s disconnected from reality. In such a case, a master may just have to cut his losses.


Entitlement to Anger?

Let’s return to the original question one more time: despite what the lowest common denominator in the BDSM forums say, is anger an emotion a slave is “entitled” to feel in her enslavement? Is it ever appropriate when directed toward one’s master? If the person I used to be during my first enslavement were reading this article, I am sure she would scream angrily at the stupid writer that “YES! Anger is absolutely necessary for a slave to feel healthy, safe, unrepressed, transparent around her master and, even more importantly, it’s a sign of obedience and respect to give a master that anger and let him do with it what he will!” She would then continue her long diatribe against this article with a scathing (and what she would have thought of as cleverly detailed) critique of all of its major points, pointing out in angry, insulting, and utterly enraged phrasing exactly why the writer was wrong in everything she wrote. It’s a good thing that “me” is no longer around to read my own articles! My Master doesn’t have hours for me to spare in deconstructing thoughtless, overly emotional brain-sewage like that, no matter how easy it actually is to do so (and it is quite easy to do when you’ve been on the other side and know all of their arguments before they manage to think them up). But plenty of others just as obnoxious and habitually furious, addicted to feeling right and vindicated, are now there to take my former self’s place, and they’re spouting the same old “anger is great for you and even makes you regular!” nonsense that I used to believe, once upon a time.

What such pseudo-psychological justifications for atrocious behavior in anybody, let alone a slave, never seem to take into account, however, is that slavery is not all about your perceived “precious” mental health. It is not a resort spa you go to, not a therapy-service you purchase in order to better your mind, cleanse your emotions, or elevate your oh-so-sacred soul. In fact, it’s not about you at all: slavery is (or should be, if it is actual slavery and not something far softer masquerading as that) all about your master: his mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being or betterment. Not yours. Whether or not you are maintained as well (although most slaves are so that, at very least, they may serve their masters well) is entirely his business, and not something you should expect or demand. You may have the most compassionate and rational master in the world, but as a slave, a real slave, you have no right to good treatment or, even more, to the care that such treatment implies. If you get good treatment, you should consider it a great gift and be thankful that you managed to wind up with an owner who maintains his property. If you accept the basic tenant of slavery: that this is, in fact, all about him and not all about you then a lot of the righteous anger that you might otherwise feel has nothing to hook itself onto, no offense or slight to one’s ego to get incensed about, nothing to get insulted over, no wrong that he needs to “be sorry for.” You know, in the core of your heart, that a slave truly deserves NOTHING from her master: no payment, no pats on the back, no rewards or treats for good behavior, no reprieve from pain, hard work, or even heartache, if that be his will for you. A slave exists to obey her master. There may be other things she exists for, but they come far behind this prime directive.

A slave to a genuine master (and by that I do not one of those common fellows who talks a big talk online, does a few brutal, semi-impressive things, then lies back and lets the slave dominate herself), a slave who really feels her slavery, who knows she is there before her master only at his sufferance and that his attitude toward her could change at any moment, does not have the spare time or energy to think of all the ways her master isn’t treating her the way she deserves to be treated. She wanted to be a slave, really wanted enslavement (not the romantic ideal, the real deal) with all her heart. She wasn’t just pretending she wanted this when what she really expected (as so many egotistical pseudo-slaves expect) was a romantic joyride with a relatively well-off man who will then support her in a life of loafing, indolence, and pleasure spiced with a little hanky-spanky. Therefore, she is not surprised in the least when she is treated like an actual slave. She does not feel angry because nothing in the small, specific, and very special world she now lives in excites her anger. She accepts all that comes from him, the perceived bad as well as the good. She often sees, if not in the moment then not too much later, how the seemingly bad things that happen to her actually help her and improve her. How can a person who knows in her genes that everything that comes from her master is right and just ever become angry with him? How can someone who has fully and joyfully accepted her slavery and her role as his instrument without a will independent of his believe that anything he does to her (or doesn’t do to her) is offensive, insulting, harmful, or hurtful? It’s all him, everything comes from him, everything she does is done for him, and that makes it good, sacred even. She reduces her ego to the bare minimum so that his will becomes all that she sees. Where is there any room for anger in that state?

The person who only pays lip-service to this reality is the sort of slave who will get angry at her master because she secretly expects more than what she is getting. She thinks she deserves a certain level of fair or kind treatment, that he owes her something, particularly since she mouths such pretty words about how totally surrendered to his will she is. A woman who gets angry at her master may be someone who, perhaps due to her master’s leniency, is allowed too much familiarity with him. Anger is a clear sign of disrespect—something that, ideally, a slave should never feel toward her master. Honestly accepting all her master is without expecting anything except mastery and control in return requires a slave develop the ability to let go of a great many things, no matter how precious these are or once were to her. She has to let go of all expectations, for example, because she is no longer free to act in the world in ways that fulfill them. She has to openly and passively accept what comes her way, do what she’s ordered to do, submit to his discipline, even please him only in the ways that he allows her to, without question, without rancor, without resentment, boredom, impatience, or desire for something else. Letting go of all one’s desires for “something else” besides slavery is a difficult and perhaps never-ending struggle for a slave, but it is the only sane direction in which to move, as attachment to the things in this world, no matter what they are, no matter how wonderful or necessary they seem, are going to lead to expectations and disappointment when those expectations are not met. It may be a master’s responsibility, however, particularly with someone new to slavery, to guide her to this level of deep and devoted understanding. She may very well not glimpse the intimate depths of slavery when she starts out, she might view it more as some sort of romantic game in which she is the star of the show. If she really has potential to be enslaved, that false, self-centered fantasy can slowly be dissolved and replaced with the far more profound reality that you, the master, are all that really matters. But if she’s lying to herself and to her master about what she really desires, then trying to condition her into being a better slave will only make her personality worse, her resistance stronger, her outrage and sense of unfairness more strident.


Service: Entitlement’s Opposite

If you don’t expect anything, then every day is a wonderful surprise and the things that occur in one’s day are relished. A well-disciplined slave is given the opportunity to live in the moment, to experience the never-ending now with openness and acceptance, no matter what it might bring. A receptive, non-grasping, and non-manipulative mindset frees her from most desires, cravings, and even boredom as all she need do or desire is to please her master–and when she is doing that, all is well with her world. When she has no desires, when she gives up her grasping, survival-focused self, she can just be, receptive and perceiving the world. She no longer needs expectations, and when there are no expectations, they cannot be thwarted or frustrated. Disappointment become rare. Not extinct, as nobody is perfectly one way all the time, but all the usual fires that motivate most people–desire, greed, need, insecurity, grasping for more, ambition, competitiveness, even survival fears–die way down. Let’s say she gets chewed out and punished for forgetting to close the bathroom door after she exited it. So what? A trained slave doesn’t expect such a misdeed to be “kindly” overlooked. She knew her master wanted that door always kept closed, she knew that she forgot, and she knows that being punished for not doing so will teach her to remember next time. She experiences the punishment, and, in the moment, it may hurt horribly or wound her feelings or sense of herself as good and obedient, but then it’s over. She feels no resentment, she has no hurt feelings that now must be catered to by him. Instead, she does what a grownup does: she tries to learn from this event and move on. In the eternal now of enslavement this is not a major event to get upset over or resent, no matter how the whip cuts her skin as a needed reminder. It’s also not an excuse to wallow in guilt and self-recrimination (the self-indulgent and often-addictive stick that drives many a “good” woman–but, sadly, if she’s addicted to the stick, she’s often not addicted enough to you). A punishment is just an experience with her master and the only thing required is that she process punishment in the way he desires her to so that she can learn how to be a better slave to him.


So Who’s to Blame?

The idea of slavery is so deceptively simple: one person commands and the other obeys. Is it the woman’s fault if she becomes frustrated, resentful, and later loses it and dumps all over her master? Is she a failure, is she temperamentally just not meant to be a slave? Or is the problem that her man did not control her fully to begin with, did not make his expectations clear, did not nip these smaller forms of disrespect and disobedience in the bud? The answer, I think, is that neither is true, if the anger is a one-time or rare occurrence. It can be fixed at that point, with discipline, firmness on his side, a pressing desire to please on hers, and conversation between the two that leads to understanding and mental realignment. If a pattern of regular angry expression has developed, however, it suggests both individuals do not understand this type of relationship and maybe neither really wants it. In particular, the master who is too nice or who loves his slave too much, will find himself confronting problems like this far more often than a man who does not involve his heart in his relations with his servants. A “nice” master will be lenient far too often toward the one he loves and this will make her bolder and more likely to transgress further than if he had no difficulty with punishing her. Likewise, a new slave who comes into the relationship with a lot of unrealistic expectations will be more likely to express frustration and irritation in the ways she was used to when free—until she learns better.

What determines slavery or mastery has more to do with how the anger is handled when it comes up, not whether anger occurs or does not occur. For enslavement to be real and not some hot, romantic lie that a pair of bored individuals have grafted onto what would otherwise be a standard relationship, both parties have to want, passionately want, the enslavement to be real. If one or both only halfway want it or only want it when it’s convenient, then, no matter how hard they try at those mutually convenient times, the situation will devolve into a conventional boyfriend-girlfriend, hubby-wifey relationship of relative equals, or, at the very best, be a dom-sub relationship where the submissive party retains considerable powers and veto capability. In my observation, almost nobody wants master-slave relationships to be real. They just want the veneer, the shine, the pride and prestige they associate with calling themselves by these names, the pleasure of thinking of themselves as “extreme,” whatever they actually do in their private lives. In these “lets pretend that we’re not pretending” environments, habitual anger from the female will, undoubtedly, flourish.


The Passive Slave Theory: The Lie of “Just Be”

Anger can be like a volcano. There are a lot of rumblings, unseen movement of hot lava, and sometimes steam venting before the “big explosion.” A consensual slave who pulls her own weight and works hard to improve for her master–unlike those indolent females who expect the master to do all the hard controlling and policing of their indulgent selves while they lie back and “just be”—doesn’t let these rumblings under the earth become stronger. She uses an array of clever techniques to cut them off. Or, if they are too powerful to cut off, she strives to rechannel the impulses that cause anger or expose them, when they are still nascent, to her master’s eyes, so that they do not take control of her personality.

What are these impulses? Primarily vanity and sloth, two personality habits that produce the desire for passivity and the belief that the master should fix everything. Weaker and less resolute slaves build a philosophy around these traits (and the anger such attitudes eventually produce): they claim that being vain and lazy are problems for their masters to deal with, not traits they must personally struggle with. All that is required is that they “just be themselves” and their masters will do all the hard work of fixing them. The question that immediately arises from this is who in the world would want such a lazy, passive, woman unwilling to improve for her master? The answer is, alas, that many men who have bought into the romantic Pygmalion ideal that they must work hard to turn their passive-object slaves into the masterpieces they crave, will accept such flawed goods rather than requiring that the slave be of a mind to work hard to improve. After all, she “cannot help herself,” she just “is what she is” and if he wants to be around her he needs to either “live with that fact” or “fix her himself.”

Vanity and sloth lead to anger because behind each attitude involves entitlement: the vain woman feels she deserves special treatment because she is naturally so very wonderful just being herself. The slothful woman feels like she deserves to take it easy, that slavery should always be fun, that she shouldn’t have to obey if it upsets her or requires too much work or the performance of duties when she is not in the mood to work. Neither female has the strength to bear the scolding and insults that a genuine master will heap upon her for these ugly traits, so they seek out weak males who are easy to control and then make them think that they are the masters while the female secretly runs the show.


The Master’s Role

An inexperienced master or one who has adopted unrealistic theories about slaves because such ideas comfort him, can, without meaning to, make anger worse in a slave. If he believes that anger is natural and necessary, even if it is directed toward himself, then it is likely he will receive it.

Some masters do instill a proper respect and/or fear for themselves in the slave from the outset. But sometimes a master is a lonely man who wants too badly to be his slave’s best friend or romantic hero. He is too soft, too teddy-bearish, very much a daddy but far too little of a disciplinarian. If he needs to feel this way toward a woman, that’s fine, but, for honesty’s sake, he should probably stop calling her a slave and expecting a girl who is pampered and spoiled, whose bad behavior is frequently overlooked or forgiven without punishment, who is told she is perfect and wonderful even when she is being a total bitch, to obey him or desire to please him in any way. It’s important to establish alpha status in a girl’s eyes early, when you are first exploring together. Make the psychological price for disrespect/ignoring orders/forgetting duties and rules high. Express your disapproval, early, often, and strongly. Make sure she clearly understands what she did wrong, and then, no matter how intelligent or otherwise understanding she seems about it all, discipline her for it in a memorable way at an appropriate time. It’s equally important to praise her when she does well: when she’s acting, thinking or feeling according to your desires for her.

Sometimes a slave loses perspective. She forgets what is most important in her life: serving and pleasing her master. She starts to think about serving and pleasing herself more, and when her master expects her to act like a slave, she becomes enraged when her selfish desires are thwarted. If discipline and correction start early in a relationship this doesn’t come up often. If she has other reminders, such as positive mantras that tell her who she is and why she is doing what she is doing, she is less likely to forget that she belongs to you and that her purpose is to humbly serve you. Keeping a consensual slave in this focused state of mind is not hard if practices, ideas, and desire for it are instilled early. She must, of course, also want to be enslaved from the start—the deeper her passion for this, the better slave she will make.

If, for some reason, a master ignores all of his slave’s minor bad behavior (which sometimes is an attempt to control the direction of the relationship, sometimes a test to see how he’ll respond), than he should expect to have a huge discipline problem on his hands later on, probably within a year or two. This problem is very hard to fix at this late stage because the pattern of the relationship has been set. The slave is used to getting away with murder, and if her master tries suddenly to change that, she’s probably going to explode in outrage at him and throw every reason in the book at him for why he’s suddenly, with his attempt to be a real master, “doing it all wrong.” The actual reason, of course, is that this is different from her expectations: you didn’t demand this before so you have no right to demand it now. Fixed expectations and patterned behavior are very hard to change. It’s almost impossible with some slaves to reverse the mental and emotional damage done to their desire to obey and please, a desire that has been ignored for so long in favor of good-guy over-permissiveness. Typically, such midstream course changes or attempts to right things at far too late a point in the relationship result in its implosion. It’s often easier, not to mention saner, to start from scratch with a fresh mind and attitude than correct someone who expects you to be a certain way and to allow her to do certain things, and now feels deeply resentful toward you for taking these things away from her.


Anger Is Power

It’s inevitable that anger in a master-slave relationship will involve power. It is possible that the slave’s anger, if strong enough and not quashed, might usurp the master’s power. Sometimes a slave will gain power over her master by expressing a violent and unpleasant emotion (or even by just threatening to express it). While the anger may begin innocently as a non-manipulative explosion or a loss of self-control, it can quickly turn into a way of maintaining control over the master, if his response to her demonstrates that he is emotionally vulnerable to it. The female then becomes his harsh judge, his critic expressing disapproval over the way she is being treated and the way he is running things in general. She is constantly dissatisfied with his mastery, constantly asking him to change things to be more to her liking (although she will call this by other names, such as “manning up” or “being a real dominant.”) If he doesn’t see this power usurpation for what it is, he may respond with hurt feelings, question himself, try to make things better for her, even follow his slave’s advice on how to be a better master. A man twisted around his “slave’s” little finger in this way is no longer a master, if he ever were one. Making oneself the judge of another during a bout of anger is an indirect way of usurping psychological control. Men who want to be masters need to be on the lookout for this common female behavior, and control it when it happens. She may not realize what she is doing or how unslavelike it is. If a slave genuinely wants to submit deeply, she will feel shame, horror, and remorse over such behavior. A weaker woman, in contrast, one who only imagines she’s a slave, will deeply resent a man who points out any of her behavioral or character flaws. She will argue back at him (perhaps in her gentle humble-sounding slave voice, but very firmly and without backing down) about how wrong he is about her and try to turn the tables with a guilt trip: how mean or ignorant he is to point out that she is imperfect and that she is faltering when she tries so very hard for to be such a good slave. How intolerant of him! Fall for that guilt trip and all is lost. She’s had you, and she’ll quickly move forward to secure her power base, often unconsciously, without even realizing what a power-grabbing manipulator she is.



Like all fires, anger burns, anger hurts, anger destroys that which is good, and can bring down in a few minutes all that you have worked hard to build over many years. This is even more so when a slave feels anger at her master. Anger, not the slave, not the master, is the real enemy here, but such anger can only be brought under control and demolished if both individuals are willing to work vigorously and unrelentingly to do so. If a slave secretly wants to hold onto her righteous anger or if a soft master secretly wants to let her “freely express” herself, they will only encourage that inner fire to burn hotter, bolder. Eventually, it will leap up in a conflagration that utterly destroys the sacred and peaceful grove of their connecting bond. This particular fire within needs to be dowsed at all costs, even if it means total dampening or even destruction of other parts of a slave’s personality.

If a woman insists that she needs to be “Miss Free to Be Whatever I Want to Be,” she has no business whatsoever trying to be a slave. For a genuinely consensual, willing slave, what matters most is obedience to her master’s will and satisfying his desires, no matter what the cost to herself. This sacrifice (if you can call it that) is what enlivens her, gives her reason to live. If a master, on the other hand, is not willing to do what it takes to make this willing soul conform to his desires and commands, if he’s always ready to let her off the hook, forgive her without punishment or correction, believe her excuses for every transgression, he, too, has no business being a master. Both attitudes corrupt the power dynamic in the relationship, poison it with apparent cuddly softness, permission, and complacent, sleepy normalcy. Both invite evils like anger to enter in by the back door and take up residence in the relationship. If you are not yet a master or a slave, try to consider carefully whether you want to do a halfway job at it and perhaps end up doing nothing at all except perpetuate another conventional, ordinary relationship or whether you have the courage to live within your master or slave role to such depths that it becomes you—and you become it. This isn’t just for yourself: consider that someone may be counting on you to do this for them, to live up to your end of a most sacred bargain.

November 17, 2017

The Ten Biggest Mistakes Women Make 
When They Want to Serve a Man

By Nina E. and Marc Esadrian

Not so long ago, we published an article about a lost cause: an egotistical schemer of a woman who is blind to her own faults and imagines herself to be the most exemplary servant of love who ever lived, when she is actually a pestilence to any man who decides to try showing her what grace in submission is. That article, “How to be a Bad Slave,” should not be confused with this one which, although its descriptions of female behavior may sound bad, is not one-tenth as horrific as the depictions of that paragon of deception described in the former. If the female in that other article could be described as committing felony after felony, we’d have to say that, in comparison, what follows here are misdemeanors. That is not to say that there are no overlaps between the two articles. Often bad slaves start in bad ways. Sometimes there is an assumption, a miscalculation, an oversight, or a hidden personality flaw described in what follows that becomes the point of origin for something much worse in the relationship later on down the road.

Below are ten of the most common pathways to deceit and self-sabotage women walk when attempting to show submission to men, particularly with the intent to serve as slaves. This list comes from years of empirical experience in dealing with such women from the perspectives of a master who has dealt with various personalities approaching him over the past twenty years and a slave who has served for even longer, watched other females stumble in courting dominant men, and done some stumbling herself from time to time.


A common mistake women who approach dominant men make is to claim to want to deeply serve and submit, when they are actually after something completely different. That “something” could be money or material things. It could be a ploy for marriage and security or something as shallow as prestige. It may be a little inaccurate to classify this behavior as a mistake (except perhaps a mistake of judgement) because this type of female often does this intentionally, though she’ll never admit it. Due to her cynicism, limited experience, and lack of real desire to submit, she cannot imagine that anybody actually serves another person completely out of their own free will and for no other reason than the sheer joy of giving pleasure to someone they adore. She just knows it’s a game—and she wants to play along so she can get some of the goodies she imagines others are getting.

So she comes to a master with some degree of pretense, maybe claiming she wants to contribute to his endeavors, collaborate with him or learn from him, and then, if he accepts the offered bait and they get to know each other, she suddenly claims an intense desire to serve him fully: he’s into that “master” thing (wink-wink) so she can better get her claws into him by pretending to be his type of girl. A dominant man who is quite familiar with how submissive women normally act will sense an incongruence between her behavior and her words. For all her wonderful talk, she may strike him as unusually aggressive or self-focused. He might notice that she’s more interested in hearing herself speak than listening to him. At this stage, if he is experienced, he’ll perform a simple test or two to try to flush her out: simple tests that a true-blue submissive female would pass with flying colors.

What does a man do when he suspects he may have been targeted by a con woman? He may start by asking her questions about what she likes or is willing to accept in submission, but many such females talk a good game and, if he is foolish enough to rely on her words alone, she will seem to score A’s on each verbal test. A more astute man will make her put her money where her mouth is—sometimes literally. He may, for instance, make the outrageous and unheard of demand that she start tithing him a monthly amount of cash. She may then try to fall back to her earlier position of contributing to his work or efforts and getting paid for it, or at least explaining in half a dozen convincing ways why she can’t, shouldn’t (and won’t) pay him, but if he’s got sense, he won’t be believing any of that now. Feeling bitter and frustrated, she may then claim the moral high ground and accuse him of having no ethics—when what is really going on is that the sheep she was hoping to so easily fleece is now deliberately suggesting she be fleeced.

Perhaps, if he senses her secret desire is for monogamy, he’ll insist she meet his other slaves and serve him together with them for an evening. Instead of being the new star of the show, she is treated as what she actually is at this point: a third-rate runner-up for his attention, a risk and potential liability and thus, the lowest girl on the totem pole. A woman who wants to be a genuine slave will not only tolerate this but will thrill to it. She’ll think it perfectly right that she is the lowest person in the harem and accept her position with grace and happiness because of the great privilege she’s been given of serving this wonderful man in person–and, of course, because it’s very hot for people like us to be low. A prima donna who wanted to have this man solely to herself will never settle for being a “humiliating” third or even second. There are a lot of ways to flush these pretenders out, but a man has to be patient, wait long enough to figure out what this girl is about, and then determine if she can actually do (as opposed to voluptuously talk about) anything difficult, any real challenge or sacrifice that thwarts or threatens the secret egotism or agenda she may be concealing.

So what advice is there for the woman in this situation? First of all, if she is genuine and the man she wants to serve is honest, she should just be her natural self, with no artifice, no attempts to impress or overwhelm him, and let him figure her out. He’ll determine her worth on his own if he’s as perceptive and confident as she believes him to be. As for the other types, we’re not exactly excited by the prospect of giving advice to congenital liars, pretty sociopaths, and women who otherwise give a bad name to every genuine slave out there (not to mention the more honest whores) but we will offer this rather obvious tidbit: if you’re hustling, make absolutely certain that the man you’re trying to fleece is dumber than you are. If, alas, you are so egotistical that you think you are smarter than anybody you meet, particularly those who are subtle enough to hide their piercing intelligence from a lazy self-flattering eye, you’ll likely find yourself, sooner rather than later, cluelessly trying to hitch a ride on a scorpion you have falsely perfumed with “Eau de Stupido.” Do not be surprised, in this case, when you do not escape his sting.

The sort of woman just described may learn, eventually, what real life and real people are all about through those two great teachers: time and hard knocks. But, if she is too stubborn to change her attitudes or her ways, these potentially wonderful teachers may make her worse, ever more entrenched in her ugly habits of whoring and greedily using up people to secure what she wants, unable to see those numerous lost opportunities and tragic mistakes along the way. One thing is guaranteed: none of us will be young forever. Sometimes time, and lots of it, can turn a person’s life around: cause her to wake up to the horror of what she has  chosen to become and determine to do better. If it doesn’t, if one is too stubborn and convinced of one’s superiority and importance despite how often stupid life decisions result in massive failure, then the only way left is down, and while it may seem like a soft, smooth coast while you’re still at the top, young, healthy, and attractive, in a few decades such people start to scrape and bruise on the rocks: they see the loss of everything they deemed important with nothing of substance to replace their inner emptiness. Don’t be that person.


Assuming that submission to a man will always go the way she imagines rather than his way, even though she knows she is entering into a relationship of service in which the man directs everything. This mistake, unlike the intentional hustle described earlier, is usually not meant with a conscious desire to deceive. Instead, it comes from the often unconscious assumption that “everything in life is always about me and should benefit me.” While a female may be unaware of this assumption, that just makes it easier for it to get in the way of successfully serving a man. A woman who entertains a me-centric fantasy about her master and how he will fulfill her every desire or goal can become deeply disappointed or even depressed when things don’t turn out the way she pictured they would. At worst, that disappointment becomes anger and blame: “He’s doing it all wrong” or “He’s intentionally trying to hurt me!” Expecting submission to be exactly how one has always imagined it or it isn’t “right” is very close to dictating the terms of service—and the person who dictates terms is the master, not the slave. The false expectation that everything is going to be hot, sexy, romantic, smooth, and just like she imagined it to be in her wildest dreams can cause a serving female to become angry and resentful when the one she is submitting to and obeying doesn’t conform to her inner script of perfect service (particularly if he’s not serving up the rewards and ego stroking she “deserves” for serving him). He’s just wrong and evil, too contrary, too unbending, too rigid, too unwilling to change (for her), etc. Never mind that she once agreed in a thrilled tremolo while kneeling before him to do absolutely anything he ordered her to. No matter she once was in awe of his superior wisdom and life knowledge. Solemn vows anchored only by shallow emotional thrills often fly out the window when such a woman feels thwarted, outraged, or disappointed that things are not going exactly as she imagined they would. He’s just not doing dominance the right way (her way), so she must either convince him of his cruel incompetence or move on to a more malleable man willing to get with her program and let her serve him in the manner she knows is true and right.

This attitude is something that is often assumed unconsciously, without the female at first being aware that she is doing it. A careful potential master will draw her out in detail about how she views slavery, what she imagines is the “right” way to be dominated or controlled, and then will verbally compare this to his own methods of domination to see if she is flexible enough to loosen her grip on her fixed ideas and simply follow him with devotion and respect. Is her love for this man strong enough to put aside her fantasies about the life she wants to lead? Can she just live an actual life of slavery under his control, following him to the ends of the earth, if needed? Or is this more of a playful sexual obsession for her, fueled by egotistical fantasies in which the master’s own personal feelings and desires barely matter unless they fit her playscript of how things should be? If it becomes clear that a woman is clinging to views of submission and service that are not quite what her master considers service and submission and if, despite this devotion to an ideal rather than to him, she insists she can still serve him in any way he wants, her master may have to push her a little and see if her resolve is just hot air or an actual desire to change for him. A wise man, no matter how attracted he is to the female before him or what potential he sees in her, will consider carefully the results of such tests and, if they are negative, ask himself if he wants to be served by an inflexible, headstrong servant who will constantly push him to do things her way.

A woman who really desires to serve a particular man can help this process along immensely by going into the relationship with as open a mind as she is capable of assuming and without a lot of preconceived ideas of how things are going to be. Often women can find out what preconceived ideas they have about a promising relationship by taking a close look at their fantasies about the man, both sexual and non-sexual. Yes, sometimes these are a bit extreme, but the details don’t matter as much as the overall patterns of relating that are revealed. Such fantasies tell us how we would ideally like the relationship to go. Sometimes these fantasies have been taught to us by a largely vanilla culture. Even if our cultural sources have been popular BDSM (like Fifty Shades of Grey) they are usually at their core quite conventional and promote the cultural ideals most popular at the time they were made. For instance, at this time the most prominent cultural ideal is feminism, and Fifty Shades, at least in the movie versions, is very careful to make the heroine very feminist and independent. While an independent and bratty feminist works for most casual men (including those posing as masters), a genuine master typically despises that type of self-important and self-obsessed know-it-all. He knows they’re not worth the time wasted in attempting to “break” them or somehow earn their respect.

If a woman discovers she has specific expectations as she is getting to know the man she wishes to serve, she should tell him about these immediately and let him prescribe the cure—if he deems one is needed (if her expectations are in sync with his reality, nothing may need to change). If she really admires this man and is determined to serve him well and he is open to hearing from her, then the best thing she can do is to politely and with respect for his time ask specific questions about his ideals and practices, about how things might be, or about what he believes most strongly about controlling and owning women and then listen very carefully to his answers, following up on anything that she finds difficult to accept rather than making the mistake of egotistically brushing potential conflicts off as something her marvelous personality will cause him to change for her or make an exception for. If she honestly wants to adopt his views about things, as most good servants do, then she needs to practice both remaining open-minded and being very honest (but not demanding) with him about the things that she finds disturbing or not as she expected. Doing both often requires a reduction in egotism and self-centeredness. Most women at this time are not only plagued by these awful characteristics, they are trained and encouraged to adopt them at an early age.


Arguing intensely with someone she claims to want to serve with her whole heart and soul about how things should be. In this case, an overblown ego is telling the arguer, “My advanced and superior ethics about service are the only right ones and any man who wants me serving him has got to understand that I will serve him the right way. (a.k.a. my way) ” But just who is serving who in such a scenario? The emotional math goes like this: he deeply misunderstands how wonderful and intelligent and worldly she is and his ignoring or rejecting her (right) views on matters is a deep insult. But here’s where the math does not add up: if all of the above is true about her than why isn’t she being served by this “obvious inferior” rather than the other way around? Why is she seeking to serve him if he is so clueless, incompetent, or needful of her wise perception and advice? Why, indeed!

A female whose speech and actions clearly show that she is thinking along these lines usually has a large, uncontrolled ego that desires to bask in frequent stroking and copious admiration from the man she looks up to. This is not at all unusual in the average woman today, as modern society strongly encourages females to assert themselves and polish their egos. Such a woman sometimes takes this self-centeredness to extremes, however: she feels that she is right and must be proven right, no matter what the cost to anyone or anything else, including service to her man and facing the simple truth about the situation. Such a woman has the strong potential to become a conventional nag in the future. Even so, it’s amazing how some men will accept this behavior from supposedly submissive females, which often consists of cracking a demoralizing whip of discontent, disappointment, and criticism constantly over their heads. One must wonder at their motives: is a hot piece of ass or the security of being in a relationship really that hard to get?

It’s quite difficult to provide advice to someone who is already completely convinced she knows best, except to suggest she try to open her mind just a little bit, but unfortunately this type is usually already convinced she has the most open mind of anyone she’s ever met and so nothing needs to change with her. Instead, it’s always someone else’s fault: they’re just too stupid to see her wonderful and wise intentions for what they actually are. A skilled master can sometimes work with such a blinded personality by showing the many situations in which she is wrong or mistaken in her assumptions and point out that this is why a smaller, wiser part of herself wanted to serve someone who is her intellectual and moral superior. This sort of demonstration will work if her ego has not built too large a fortress around her real self. Unfortunately, it’s also human nature to stubbornly dig in deeper when presented with facts that contradict our beliefs, otherwise known as the Backfire Effect. I have seen many women who insist they are slaves but who are incapable of opening up even the tiniest chink in the thick armored walls of their protective egos. They won’t open their minds enough to allow the attempts by their masters to contact their real selves (which, if they are lucky, may still be alive somewhere inside this bristling fortress of insecurity) succeed.


Laziness, sloppiness, flakiness and a pattern of excuses for all of the above. “Oh, it’s not important that I do this little thing he told me to do. It’s so minor.” “I don’t have to complete that task, I’m out of time and need to get my nails done.” “I just don’t want to do what he told me to do at this time, so I’ll lie about it and do it later. Since I’m not yet living with him, he’ll never know the difference.” “I’m very busy and stressed right now and I just don’t have the time for what he wants.” These are some of the rationalizations lazy females use to avoid doing the often simple and easy tasks assigned to them by men they claim they want to serve. Laziness is bad, but when combined with inner permission to avoid accountability, it’s highly erosive to any form of authority dynamic. But it can, over time, be corrected by a good master if the female is completely open and honest with him, as she should always be in these types of relationships. She should ask herself: how would she feel if somebody she wanted to serve was always late or frequently stood her up? What if he said they would do something over the weekend but then just mysteriously disappeared for days? What if he claimed he wanted her to live with him, and made extensive plans in that direction, but then out of blue and at the last minute (after she’d given up her current residence) simply told her it couldn’t happen now and never explained why? These scenarios would be the dominant version of laziness, sloppiness, and flakiness. It doesn’t sound very appealing, does it? A dominant man feels no different when a woman constantly lets him down. When she doesn’t do what she is told to do or what she says she will do, however simple and easy it might be, when she doesn’t keep her word, does things shoddily or incompletely, or gets things to him far later than when she promised, if at all, she has drifted into the shiftless abstract of laziness and complacency. If she combines her laziness with dishonesty and lies about the reasons for her incompetence, always having what she imagines is a “good excuse,” she’ll never gain his trust back once he suspects, tests for, and discovers how much she’s been lying to him. Dishonesty that extreme (and unnecessary) destroys this sort of relationship before it even begins.

There are two issues here: one is being an indolent flake who can’t be trusted to do anything she promises and the other is pretending she isn’t that person through lying. The first issue is easy to fix if the lazy female is serving a sane and just man: she just needs to admit what she has been doing wrong, feel genuine remorse for her past behavior, and accept any consequences that fall out from this revelation, whatever they may be. If the man completely cuts her off from him, that is his right, too. In that situation, she should once more express her deep regret at her transgression and then move on. If this sort of response on the man’s part seems unfair, she should try very hard not to provoke the next person she meets with flaky, irresponsible behavior.

The second issue, lying about what she has done, is far more difficult to fix. Lying to someone she claims to serve is a strong betrayal of everything this submissive woman was hoping to build and it’s natural that some men will not want to continue to dominate her once she admits this to them. But it’s still much better to admit it than to continue lying to him, because eventually she will be found out—and the fallout may even be worse then. When she comes clean with something she can still exit honorably at least, knowing she finally did the right thing, even if it was too late, even if it feels like she’s being punished by him. The best thing to do is just accept what happened, understand why it happened, resolve not to make that mistake again with the next man, and move on. But this is easier said than done. The long, hard road toward fixing this error lies in a deep, honest examination of oneself and one’s motives and doing the hard work of real personal improvement that builds character and effectively changes the undertow of defective thinking. This isn’t something that can happen over a matter of minutes or even a couple of days.


Intentional Lying. Whoops! She has an STD and he told her he never accepts service with someone who has STDs. We’ll, it’s just a minor STD. It doesn’t kill you. No need to mention it or help prevent him from getting it too. Actually, that would be good, because then she’d have company! Or maybe she’s claimed a lot more for herself than is actually true: claimed to be a talented and accomplished artist or an established writer with a book contract, claimed she’s very wealthy, or that she’s a very experienced submissive who, of course, deeply understands slavery, etc.. Whatever it is, this lie (or lies, if she is compulsive in that area) completely destroys everything she claims to want to build with a dominant man as his trusted, reliable servant. We’re describing some bad things in this article, but lying to her master takes the cake as the worst error a potential servant can make. A great many faults can be forgiven, even faults of extreme ego, but lying is something that is very hard to recover from—whether the female is found out or not. Even a moderately intelligent master will regard the liar who claimed she wanted to serve him just as one would an asp: something dangerous and potentially deadly one should avoid contact with at all costs. With a very intelligent master, she’ll never recover, and given how subtle genuinely intelligent people tend to be, she may never realize that he knew all along she’d lied to him about various things and just let her continue with it, because it interested or benefited him in some way to do so. When a liar doesn’t know she is found out, she tends to get lazy and sloppy with her lies.

One useful strategy to employ when you notice or highly suspect somebody is lying to you is to feign ignorance about what they are doing. That way, you can watch them covertly and they, not having been put on their guard against you, will continue to lie in ways that are more easily discerned as lies. Knowing how someone lies and what they lie about is useful information when dealing with an enemy that is close to you: and a female who is purposefully and willfully lying to you is most definitely your enemy, however fond of her you may be. Be on high alert once you suspect strongly that you are being lied to. A female may lie once, about something very important or frightening to her, and then never again. Or she may lie so constantly and habitually that her first response to any question you ask is always a direct lie, or a question that confounds the conversation and covers her tracks. It’s important to know what it is you are dealing with here, so do not immediately give the game away, as much as you may want to let her know you’ve caught her. Wait and watch. If it’s a one-time thing, you can talk to her later about it (after you’ve determined she’s not consistently lying), determine the reasons for it, and then apply any corrective measure you deem necessary. The end game, ultimately, must be to expose the lying and salvage what you can from the liar. Putting off this hard work only compounds the security of the liar and her habit of lying, along with the extended insult of you appearing unobservant and naive in her eyes, so don’t take up the game of play a sucker to catch a sucker too long. Life is short and time spending it in positivity is crucial.

And word of caution: sometimes seeing and believing isn’t always right. What appears to be a lie at first blush may turn out to be the truth after all, so be methodical and objective in gauging her honesty. Gather the information necessary to convince yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt that she’s manipulating truth, otherwise you may raise unnecessary conflict.

Compulsive, extensive lying tends to have deep, snarled roots in mental dysfunction. It wreaks so much havoc in the lives of others that life is better off alone than with a chronic liar. Luckily, most of us do not have to face this hard choice. We just move on to someone more suited for us, once we determine the person we are with cannot be trusted…with anything.

We have no advice for compulsive liars except for advice they probably won’t take, but here it goes: if you should ever get a glimmering that this this a problem for you (typically other people will tell you over and over again to stop lying to them—that’s how you know, so start listening to them rather than denying it), immediately go get the best professional help you can. You need a psychologist who is an expert in dealing with liars, or you will just lie to him or her and nothing will be fixed. Not so strangely, compulsive liars often do not know that this is their tragic flaw, for the person they lie to the most is themselves and they tend to assume others are just like them: telling them lies out of self-interest.


Entering a relationship of service with the intent to manipulate the man you serve into becoming the form of male you prefer. There are many women, some young and inexperienced with life, some a little older, most of whom have already run through half a dozen half-baked “masters,” who have this fixed idea in their heads about what the ideal master has to do to be “worthy” of them. They have an intense desire to change men into their ideal instead of opening themselves to to a man’s style of mastery and dominance, absorbing his spirit as their own. This is most often done by women who are both deeply willful and insecure at the same time. While similar to the females discussed above in item 2, this woman is more concerned with shaping the man she is involved with rather than scripting the relationship. She is Pygmalion and he her raw chunk of marble male waiting to be carved into the perfect master for her. Such a woman wants to be controlled, but only in the ways in which she dictates or considers right. When she comes across a compliant man who needs to please her (sadly, this isn’t exactly unusual these days), she has the potential to use this desire to subtly shape him into her ideal. And should this effort succeed, she’ll likely find herself strangely dissatisfied with her creation and increasingly frustrated that he doesn’t assert himself more at unexpected times, rather than only in the circumstances she has “programmed” him to respond like a master in.

This sort of woman is trapped in a pit of her own making: she’s unwilling to relax, stop trying to control everything, and just follow the man’s lead but she’s deeply dissatisfied by the agreeable, helpful, obedient creature she has turned this man into. She’s often too scared to approach or stay with a strong male, because her inner control freak won’t allow it, and so she pretends to herself to be deeply concerned with her own safety and well-being around anyone strong enough to truly dominate her. That way she can have her weak man posing as dominant and stay subtly in charge.

Such females need to get honest with themselves and give up the illusions of their submission. They can either become female dominants or get into a profession, like sales, where their particular combination of aggression, insecurity, and need to be in control at all times can be a bonus. But some of them feel they have to explore and conquer every world out there that seems the least bit attractive or intriguing, and so when they arrive on our shores, they naturally convince themselves that maybe submission to a man is the key to the joy and happiness they’ve been looking for all their lives—despite the fact their understanding of femininity and submission is deeply flawed. Our advice to such a woman is “Know Thyself.” Figure out what you really want in life, what makes you deeply passionate, and if it happens to be submission, go for it with all of your heart, soul, and sincerity. Once you know the man you wish to serve and have learned to trust in him, do not hold back. Pour yourself into the mold, leaving nothing spared. Do not insist upon retaining a sliver of control, for this will corrupt you in time, as your submission will be imperfect. Your future master may let you retain some of your power in the world, if it benefits him and doesn’t corrupt you, but he might also insist that you leave everything familiar behind and simply follow him. That’s what slavery is all about: stepping off that steep cliff, abandoning everything for the man you crave to serve with all of your heart.


Serving from a position of deep selfishness rather than selflessness or wanting to serve out of a desire to please/improve yourself, not to please him and improve his life. Often the woman who does this is in complete denial of her selfish, grasping nature. She is one of the best slaves that ever lived, and her master is there primarily to help her fulfill her potential so she can become the woman of her dreams. Never mind all those crashed, burned-out relationships that litter the freeway of her past life. She just happened to meet 5…10…20…or 30 men who were absolutely horrible and who treated her terribly! It was never her fault! They were all evil or stupid or wrong in some way, according to her. Maybe this track record means she has a problem with perception, but she really doesn’t want to believe this because she knows for a fact that she is a Good Girl—saintly even. The men of her past were all just insensitive dullards incapable of understanding and appreciating her pure motives and the beauty of her soul. This time, with her new master, she knows things will be different. The man who hears such a woman’s sob stories about terrible failed relationships and doesn’t grasp that she, herself, is the only thing all these “terrible” men had in common probably deserves everything he’s likely to get from her: to put it politely, a massively dysfunctional “learning experience.” It’s flattering to think of oneself as the single good man in a woman’s life that’s been darkened by miserable disappointments, but realize this might be a trap of male ego. Admittedly, it feels really good to think you are the only decent male amidst a batch of misfits or cretins, but beware: it can sometimes take a man duped by a female’s beauty and sob stories years to extricate himself from the slimy tentacles her needy, co-dependent, and extremely self-centered personality.

Men should learn to recognize this type from miles away so that they can avoid them at a very early stage. “Miles away” is a metaphor for the first few conversations: you can often tell from these what she is really like inside. Men often learn about this type from being burned by women with the same personality flaws: when they met yet another female who talks a lot like the one who wasted two or more years of their time, effort, and commitment, they will tend to watch her very carefully, if they decide to proceed at all.

Women who are selfish very often do not realize how selfish they are. They are wrapped up in a pipe dream, partially encouraged by the female centrism of the modern age, of what good, self-sacrificing, pure, helpful angels they are. They do not realize the depths of their selfishness and how self-interest extends into almost everything they think and do. It’s this illusion of her innate female goodness and an unwillingness to let it go that leads a deeply selfish woman to steamroller over others as she lives her supposedly caring and giving life. Sometimes such women are so broken mentally and emotionally that they refuse to see the horrible damage their masquerading causes everyone they come in close contact with. A woman with a bad case of this disease won’t even be reading this paragraph, as she’s utterly convinced that nothing in the above descriptions apply in the least to her (she’s probably not on a site like this anyway). She just knows that she never hurts other people, that she never lets anyone down, that she doesn’t think only of her own pleasure, for she has such a beautiful, caring mind and soul. She is this wonderful angel who cares so deeply when animals (or sometimes humans, particularly those far away from her) are harmed –but treats the people around her, those regularly in her life, quite differently.

Often such women want to serve someone due to their fantasies of being such perfect, loving, selfless angels. It’s important for a man to observe how a woman who describes herself in this way acts in real life around the people closest to her, particularly those who depend upon her. Is she is constantly disappointing them, letting them down, promising wonderful things (because it makes her feel good to do so) but never following through (because she doesn’t want to be bothered, and her needs always come first)? Does she forget her promises, break her commitments, including those to her family in order spend time with you?  (As flattering as this may be, it is a warning sign that you may be next to be neglected when she becomes familiar with you.) Finally, does she express her aggression passively?  Does she beg for a desire to serve selflessly and then, when given an opportunity, whine worriedly in a stressed-out tone over most commands she is given, pretending that what you want her to do will hurt others as well as herself, and she’s just wisely looking out (something you can’t do, apparently) for everybody’s welfare? The latter sort of woman tends to have a huge pleasant fantasy in her head about what service and obedience feels like and an actual master who demands real service from his slaves, service that benefits him, is not serving up the easy and soft romantic program she expects.

Keep in mind that a woman who loves to serve genuinely and unselfishly seldom describes herself in these glowing selfless goddess terms. If anything, she will take great pains to warn you about her personal flaws, downplay her good points, and hold, in general, a relatively low self-opinion because she is highly mindful and self-critical. Some self-described masters claim these purer types, these simple-hearted, altruistic, loving women are “boring.” Something in them craves the more “exciting” highly aggressive or hysterical, constantly-throwing-obstacles-in-one’s-path, head case. This preference is usually a clear indication that being a dominant rather than a master, a man without complete control over a woman would be more rewarding for this sort of person.  A man who wants to truly master a female loves the compliant, obedient, self-effacing types, as they are so cooperative in their enslavement, so giving of themselves, and actually enjoy submission. They strive to make things easy for their masters and hate causing conflict. It is intensely erotic, for someone who loves controlling others, to dominate someone so willing and cooperative with her own subjugation.


Underestimating Him. Most often it’s his intelligence. Women who are mentally just slightly above average, maybe on the 60th percentile, are far less likely to perceive that someone else is immensely more intelligent than they are. For one thing, very smart people, if they’re emotionally mature, often don’t hammer their extreme intelligence down the throats of others, even if they can. They know they’re smart and feel no need to constantly advertise that fact. They save their brilliance for when it is really needed or where it will do the most good. A slightly smarter than average girl will tend to believe an intelligent male is on the same level or slightly less intelligent than herself. She will, particularly if she is young and inexperienced, lecture him wisely on the ways of the world, boast directly or indirectly about her intellectual prowess, and, because she cannot understand or grasp the multiple levels of an intelligent man’s responses and because, while aware of that, he’s sensitive and polite over her lack of mental horsepower, she’ll start to think of him as quite dense. Because a sixty-percenter has seen that she is smarter than some people (or perhaps others have, for various reasons of their own, let her believe this), she assumes these experiences indicate that she is extraordinarily brilliant—smarter than almost everyone alive and certainly smarter than just about everyone she meets.

A woman will also often underestimate the man’s overall moral superiority over her. (And yes, I did say his moral superiority!) Many women have the ability to ruthlessly lie to men, steal or use all of their resources, flake out on them and let them down constantly, act completely irresponsibly, defy the men they claim to obey, rage at them when they don’t get their way, nag them incessantly, threaten to abandon the relationships they took sacred vows to maintain, insist men totally accept all their lies, and after all that, think of themselves as angelic, harmless victims. Females frequently have two faces or two sides: dark and light, and neither one will acknowledge the other exists. But even if she keeps it buried, somewhere deep down inside, the two-faced female knows exactly what she’s doing.

For all their loud screeching about victimization and innocence, I have seldom met any female of any age who was an average male’s superior in terms of truthfulness, honestly, lack of manipulation, commitment to higher principles, clear rational thinking, directness, and all the other character traits that make a man truly admirable. Females are brainwashed these days, however, by educational institutions and media into thinking that they can excel at anything (and you better bet that includes submission, if they decide they are interested in it) without having any natural talents, abilities, or experience in the area. Why? Isn’t it obvious by now? They are defacto the superior sex.

So how does a women who is a self-satisfied poster-child for mental and emotional Dunning-Kruger effect  learn that this is what she is so that she can honestly address her false, egotistical, self-aggrandizing beliefs? Asking someone with this condition to diagnose themselves or to accept the diagnosis of an objective observer is bound to fail, because her need to believe she is good at everything is often based in abysmally deep insecurity and low-self-esteem. Normally, a woman with low self-esteem can make a great servant. In fact, I would go so far as to say they make the best servants for various psychological reasons that could be the subject of an entirely separate article (and probably already was—see “Doormat!,” for instance), but they only do so if they are aware of their low self-esteem and willingly, even warmly, accept it as part of who they are, practices which encourage growth and require real moral fiber. The typical intellectual diva or selfless moral angel will never admit that all of her hot air comes from a deep insecurity inside her. For whatever reason, she’s decided, often on a deeply unconscious level, that the best way to proceed with life and get what she wants out of it is to don a very strong, extroverted, false face over the person she really is, because she imagines it is one that most people will love and adore. A woman with this problem who manages to let some fresh air of reality inside may realize she has a problem she needs to deal with and get help with her insecurity. Such obviously false and flashy personalities are like the tiny running car that is the base of the gigantic balloon that everybody sees floating down the street during a parade…and applauds. Without that hidden little car tethered to the huge balloon, directing it and pulling it along, that big, fat plastic bag of hot air would just float away helplessly in the sky. The insecurity is the driver, the controller of a gigantic ego and it’s that insecurity the female needs to look down from her elevated heights and recognize, not only as a part of herself, but the most important part: the part she needs to address if she’s to be of any real use or worth to anybody, particularly a very dominant man.

Perhaps a small way in which a woman with this defect in her nature can start addressing it would be to try to observe, before she says something she wants to say (or, at very least, right after she says it) whether what was communicated was meant to help someone else, convey useful information, express a positive emotion, or…make herself look good, build her personal reputation with another person or group, impress somebody, prove to someone how smart or morally superior she is, defend her ego in some way, show off how much she knows or has done, or promote her greatness in some other way. For the moment, just observe: say what you want to say or write what you want to write: do not edit it into a more self-flattering and modest version of the original. Instead, try to determine, as honestly as you can, where the statements came from. What motivated you to communicate this? Did you feel this person would not respect you if you didn’t toot your own horn loudly? Were you afraid a group would ignore you if you didn’t have the best war story to tell? Why did you feel it imperative to lie, gloss over, or “imaginatively enhance” a certain part of your life rather than telling the simple truth about what happened or who you really are? As a starting point, this sort of self-questioning is more than enough. The answers, if they are honest ones, will be painful, so a woman should not overindulge in this as it’s possible to develop a hypocritical masochistic taste for this sort of self-revelation and to start doing it in public (i.e. showing off again, just in a way that’s a little less perceptible to others). It’s perfectly fine to continue on as normal for most of the time, but a woman who knows she’s like this should set aside a little time, once a day maybe or once a week, to look closely at what she is saying or doing. Overindulgence in self-observation, for any person, often leads to mental paralysis (based on the false idea that one can’t do anything without doing something awful) or harmful thoughts, so consider this exercise a case where one pill might help but a hundred will likely cause serious harm. Gradually, she may find herself improving her observational skills and self-objectivity, enough to quietly begin to reform her thinking and resulting behavior. Of course, having honest, if harsh, feedback from one’s master could speed this process along, if the female were genuinely sincere and remorseful for the bloated egotist she has been.

The desire to examine oneself, while it may be ordered from outside, is also something that has to come from within. Honest self-examination can be so painful that a woman really has to see a strong benefit to doing it to stay the course. Some people get fed up with nothing ever working right for them, with their relationships always failing, with friends becoming alienated, with someone they treated badly dying before they could say they were sorry and at some point they get a glimmering that the common denominator in all those failures isn’t this great variety of other “mean” people out there—it is themselves, and themselves only. Other times, a female may have to suffer seriously painful setbacks and losses in life, and, after numerous periods of grief and denial, come to realize that the reasons for some of the things that “randomly happened” to her were clearly caused by herself, particularly by her attitudes. Other times, the realization may be instantaneous: out of the blue a woman may catch herself in a really egotistical moment, really see the ugly things she is doing and saying, experience her less-than-pure motivations with crystal clarity, and  start to hate what she has become. Howsoever it comes, without a strong desire to learn and then to change, a habitual egotist is not going to make much headway with such an exercise. Her mind will always find convenient, plausible excuses for each statement and each behavior.


Taking him for granted. This usually doesn’t occur until after the relationship has established itself and the female has grown comfortable in her role. Even if she’s managed to avoid all of the mistakes described above, it is very easy, particularly if the man she serves is fair, just, and affectionate with her, to start taking his good nature for granted. She may start to assume that anything she asks for she can eventually get, if she asks enough times or in enough different ways. She may even begin to assume that her desires will never be turned down. She may start to view a kind man as a facilitator of her personal growth, pleasure, and experiences—a vending machine popping out attention, gifts, advice, or other goodies every time she pushes the “whine–I’m unhappy, master!”  button. She may start to forget, after a while, how awful or unfulfilling her other relationships have been. She may even, if she becomes too proud and complacent, assume that men like him are everywhere and that she can find another just like him without a lot of trouble. When complacency sets in, the typical female relaxes too much and she stops caring. She stops doing her chores as meticulously as she once did and begins to slack off with other responsibilities, like not bringing home his favorite fruits or changing the bed sheets long past when they should have been changed. She may forget to address the man she serves in a respectful tone, forget to follow the household rules, or just become so contented and full of well-being from all the careful attention the man has given her than she forgets she is there to serve him.

We see lots of these lazy, self-satisfied “slaves” hanging out on public message boards, where they spend huge amounts of time each day boasting about what great servants they are to their men while, at the same time, giving others condescending and often snarky advice, or attacking them. You can’t help but notice  the disease when you see these vicious kitties boast-posting in every single group or thread that mentions masters or slaves, or engaging in their second-favorite pastime: viciously attacking others, particularly dominant men who don’t immediately suck up to them and females who strike them as more servile than they are. They spend so much time doing these things that you tend to wonder what their houses look like. Keeping a home clean and beautiful, shopping for and preparing good, healthy home-cooked meals, taking care of children, running errands, and working hard in other ways to make one’s master’s life pleasant takes a great deal of time. Good servants have time, only rarely, to post extensively online. They certainly don’t live online or live for the adulation of cliques and attack gangs.

Complacency is something that a woman serving a man should immediately report if she sees it growing in herself, as, generally speaking, it’s only something the man can fix. Punishment works well in this area, particularly if she hasn’t had to be punished in a while. The shock of it, if the punishment is affecting enough, will often bring her to her senses and make her wonder what in the world she was doing. Unfortunately, so many dominant men who start out with good intentions become absentee landlords toward their females. I suspect this is particularly true of the aimless and unpleasant cliques of women we see online who claim to be slaves. There’s likely a big leap of reality between their lives lived behind a keyboard and their actual lives.


Only able to serve if she is given attention or other things she craves. Some would-be servants operate on the unspoken and often unexamined marketplace principle that they can only fully serve a man if he is giving them something in return—something besides dominance, control, structure, and meaning, that is. The favored currency is often attention, but other compensation is also accepted. If given regular, repetitive duties to perform, they do not do them unless ordered to each and every time they are scheduled to do them. A woman who cares about her master’s comfort, wishes, and pleasure just quietly does her assigned tasks, whatever these might be, when she is supposed to do them so that she doesn’t inconvenience him. She doesn’t require constant shots of the attention drug: reminders, exhortations, scoldings, punishments, long talks about her behavior (all things which, even while negative on the surface, feed some women’s insatiable need for constant attention). She waits patiently until her master desires to give her some attention. The attention that comes her way, when it does come, is usually positive because she’s been functioning as a servant should: quietly performing her duties and awaiting the pleasure of her master’s company when and how he desires to give it. Females new to service often think of it as a sort of job or career in which they must be “paid,” usually with special attention from their masters but also with physical comforts, gifts, or even money. They make the common beginner’s mistake of turning a relationship that is supposed to be about unselfish service that demands nothing in return into a crass mercantile transaction and become increasingly disobedient if they don’t get their regular fix of whatever it is they are after. Although she may not demand money, such a woman is a common form of prostitute: the attention whore. And, for attention whores, being paid in their preferred coin is far more important than your needs, no matter how much they talk about devotion. A very good way to test the potential of a possible servant is to explain to her what selfless service entails, and, if she agrees this is what she wants, to see how well she can function without constant regular attention from you: without reminders about her duties, without constant supportive texts, emails, or phone calls. Cutting someone off cold-turkey is very harsh and confusing: even the best of slaves come up with questions that need clarification or worries/issues they need to discuss with their masters, so keeping oneself available is a good idea for a man with a new or potential slave. But if you find she needs or expects a lot more time and attention, even in the early stages, and she is strident or lays blame when she doesn’t get it immediately, this should tell you something.

A woman who won’t do the simplest things without first getting her expected shot of “attention-heroin” from her master is the farthest thing from a submissive females there is, no matter how saintly she regards herself. She’s a crass negotiator, making it clear to you that she will only do this thing if she gets that thing in exchange. She may try to mask this resentful disobedience in plausible excuses like, “I just forgot,” or in performing the service shoddily and partially, leaving lots undone to demonstrate how little she cares about your desires for good work from her. While forgetting an order once or twice is common during the learning stage, if it is regular, it’s a sign there is a problem. She doesn’t care enough to do what it takes to remember to perform the task or remember how to do it right. Note that such a female never forgets when you promise to take her out for dinner or for drinks or buy her clothing or take her on a vacation (and will remind you constantly of this if you forget!) Strangely, she also never forgets when it’s time to get an expensive, self-indulgent beauty treatment or when her favorite TV show is on or that she wants to have pizza for dinner. But somehow her memory isn’t capable of recalling that you told her to rake up all the leaves in the yard, not just some of them, or that you have told her six times never to put certain delicate items in the wash. Sometimes forgetting is a physical/mental issue that you and she must find ways to work with and improve, ways such as by writing things down or using other mnemonic techniques. But more often, it’s just a sign that she couldn’t care less about your goals, objectives, or needs without hers being considered, and so gives the tasks assigned her only partial attention and focus.

If a woman becomes aware of the mercenary prostitute she’s become, she can start to change. The hardest part for females who exude these flaws is becoming aware of their true natures in the first place. Even if the man is strong enough to insist she see the truth about herself and the  grasping nature of her service, she will, if she’s deeply committed to the transactional “I must get as good as I give” attitude, either dismiss her master’s dissatisfaction in her head as nonsense, think he is unfairly attacking her, or completely admit to her fault in the moment, but then forget a few minutes after the conversation that this issue was even brought up. There isn’t much that can be done with a female in such an extreme stage of denial. A man might want to let her go off and experience the harshness and disappointments life brings to those who regularly deny reality. Even then, if she calls crawling back to you, years later, repentant, she will no longer be the enchanting creature you once wanted to own (“Yet neer the self-same men shall meet; the years shall make us other men.”–Robert Graves). The world will likely have done other things to her personality: coarsened it, made her more capable of other forms of deception, and embittered her. The only hope for such a female is that, no matter how hard it is, she must realize at the time she is with a master how unsubmissive she is. Then, she must have an intense and sincere desire (not motivated by a craving for more reciprocation) to change, and then, more important than anything else, actually follow through on her plan to change. A sane, smart man can help her a little by discussing this ugly thing inside her and strategizing on ways to defeat it, but because it is a part of her, only she can do the hard work of changing. Many such women, if they get some encouragement to change from their masters, will incorrectly regard them as the instigators of the change: the master will somehow wave his magical wand to fix his slave and she won’t have to make any effort of her own. Assuming that attitude is huge mistake on the woman’s part and will likely result in failure to change if she refuses to take the responsibility that is solely hers.

Women: Are you fired up over this article? We admit that we didn’t hold anything back or soften our words to make them more palatable. We hope you can eventually put your shock and upset aside and read again with an open mind, because if you can get past the harsh words, we strongly believe there’s plenty to learn above. This list represents many years of experience with dealing with many wayward women who claim interest in submission but fall horribly short of the mark when tested. Marc, as a master with more than twenty years of experience in domination, has seen just about every trick under the sun, from honest mistakes of ignorance to deep-set personality disorders. Nina, who has served two masters over the course of her life, has watched from the other side of the dynamic as women have approached the men she serves, only to crash and burn. She’s lived long enough to have seen the patterns of deception and manipulation in women who fail at serving. It’s our sincere hope that men who are prospective masters, dominants, or husbands consider these ten monumental errors carefully and watch out for them when training their females. We hope females honestly seeking submission read these points carefully, too. Doing so may save years of trial, error, pain and conflict in attempting to truly submit with all the best of intentions, despite some hidden enemies of the psyche lying within.

February 26, 2015

Speaking Up

By Katie B.

Last week I was having a conversation with my sister over tea when she asked if I’d seen _______’s new YouTube video. At 25 my sister is eight years younger than I am and, while I do a decent job of keeping up with what’s relevant, she’s usually one step ahead of me when it comes to pop culture. I explained that I had no idea who _______ was. I assumed that she was another teenage girl singing songs about her broken heart. My sister had a good chuckle at my expense before explaining that this person is a young YouTube video blogger, public sex educator, and feminist. She then expressed her surprise at my never having heard of her because she is exactly the type of speaker that my sister assumed I would love.

Wait, what?

My sister proceeded to show me the video she’d referenced, sure that I would love it and that I would be so excited to have this public figure’s material to use with the young women I volunteer with in a local youth program. With some confusion I watched _______’s video entitled, “Why I’m A Feminist….” By the end of her stereotypical rant I was bewildered. How was it possible that in all of the years of our adulthood I had somehow managed to give my sister the impression that these were the sorts of ideas and politics I supported? As my true sentiments fall so far in the opposite direction of _______, I knew I had never said anything about these topics in conversation that should have led her to believe that the thoughts and opinions in that video in any way echoed my own.

That’s when realization set in to the tune of a growing and uncomfortable hum in my head. It was true, I’d never given my sister a specific reason to believe that my opinions were in line with this speaker or any number of other popular feminists, but I’d also never given her any reason not to believe that they were, either. A few moments of silence passed between the end of the video and me awkwardly mumbling, “But… I’m not a feminist.” My sister’s response was to once again chuckle at me for being out of touch and leave the room.

I wondered if silence could be misconstrued as acceptance. If so, was it really the virtue I’d built it up in my mind to be?

Way to go, me. I didn’t know what was actually a poorer reflection of my strong feelings and opinions about feminism, sexuality, and male advocacy: _______’s chirpy rhetoric or my barely audible denial.

The hum in the back of my head grew louder. It gave me a sense that I was somehow missing the boat and that there was something more that I should be doing or saying. I’d always felt comfortable with the idea that I didn’t need to get on a soapbox about what I believe in. In fact, I felt confident that it wasn’t appropriate and that, as a submissive female, I was suited to social silence. But there was an undeniable feeling inside me warning me that perhaps, somehow, I was wrong. I wondered if silence could be misconstrued as acceptance. If so, was it really the virtue I’d built it up in my mind to be?

The truth was that the thought of the alternative made me nervous, so I set it aside and settled back into my comfort zone. However, fate conspired once again to give me occasion to rethink how or if I should use my voice. Several days after the conversation with my sister I received a text from a friend asking for my opinion of a popular female blogger. My friend said she had a feeling that I would be familiar with the blogger in question and have an opinion—and she wasn’t wrong. As it turned out the blogger in question is a person I’ve run into a lot in various blogging circles. She also happens to be a passionate advocate for new wave feminism and extremely vocal about perceived “male privilege.” To say that our viewpoints butt heads would be quite an understatement, but considering that those viewpoints weren’t something I had ever discussed with my friend, I found myself hesitating before answering.

Once again I had to acknowledge that silence had put me in somewhat of an awkward position. I had no idea what my friend’s expectations were when it came to my answer because I knew she had no basis for understanding where my views were rooted. Bolstered by the fact that (to my knowledge, at least) she hadn’t already made an assumption about my position, I decided to try my hand at a more firm response than the one I’d muttered to my sister.

“I think she’s a good writer, but I find that her aggressive stance on feminism and male privilege to be so much in contrast with my own views that I have trouble justifying what good I may otherwise find in her writing.” And then I pushed send.

Sure, it wasn’t quite a declaration, but it was enough in that moment to open a window. What happened next hit me at an even deeper level than realizing that some of my deepest convictions were hidden from even my own sister. My friend’s response first expressed her disappointment in the blogger’s politics. Then she asked to know more about my own beliefs on the issues mentioned. What resulted was a long and honest conversation in which my friend not only thanked me for being willing to share what some might consider to be controversial opinions in our current culture but also expressed how much more confident she felt about her own beliefs. She admitted to often not trusting her gut when it came to issues like feminism because the voices on the other side were so many, but she also asserted that having just one conversation was already making her feel less intimidated and more willing to stand up for what she believed.

At that point I understood what it was that felt so wrong in what I had been doing. If my family and close friends, who don’t necessarily share all of my views on female submission (but who otherwise know me very well) have no idea what ideology I support, is it possible that the submissive females I interact with could be making the same assumptions? And how many women are left confused or deceived as they search for truth while so many of us stand in the shadows, clinging to ideas about submission, such as our own definitions of propriety, what constitutes grace or poise, and self-imposed silence?

All of the reasons I had for remaining silent and for politely refusing to engage in the cultural conversation about gender roles, sexuality, and men’s and women’s issues were starting to look a lot more like excuses to stay safe than commitment to deep female submission. I had to face within myself the question of who was possibly being hurt or misguided due to my silence and, even more devastating, was it really as honoring to the man I serve as I thought my silence was? What would he say if I asked him? Certainly, I could not presume to know his mind so well that I didn’t need to ask him?

If we submissive females don’t step into the fray around the issues that concern us, not only will no one ever know that we exist, but we will actively assist—through our passivity—in inflicting harm on women like ourselves or men who enjoy us.

These were (and are) hard questions to ask and they come with uncomfortable answers. Many of us who identify as submissive have a natural tendency towards timidity and would be happy to fade into obscurity if we were given permission to. I am right there with many of you in wanting to avoid conflict and the harsh criticism of the opposition as much as possible. I’m no stranger to the fear that makes silence seem so appealing. For some of us, it’s this yielding part of our nature that makes us capable of embracing submission to a man; that makes it feel so natural. That said, I believe it’s important for us to avoid the mistake of yielding to the idea of submission, rather than yielding to our men. In some situations, a submissive woman’s ideals and perhaps incorrect conceptions about what submission is may act in direct opposition to what actually pleases her man.

I know that no one wants to fall prey to that insidious kind of self-focus, however, it can creep in so quietly. Submissive women must come to terms with the reality that showing devotion to the men we serve means expressing active devotion to their causes. The largest social cause of all for us as women should be making certain that men remain in authority over us. We cannot do that by being silent. The social attack on men that exists in our culture doesn’t rest, it doesn’t back down, and it’s a force that never tires of throwing everything it’s got at men from every angle imaginable. To oppose these hateful ideas we have to speak up. Sometimes that will mean getting our hands dirty, sometimes it may mean looking ugly and indecorous. Sometimes it might mean sticking our necks out and inviting ridicule.

If we submissive females don’t step into the fray around the issues that concern us, not only will no one ever know that we exist, but we will actively assist—through our passivity—in inflicting harm on women like ourselves or men who enjoy us. Passivity can have extremely negative consequences in our culture and communities. Martin Luther King Jr. rallied people around the Civil Rights movement with the words, “He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.” There is good work being done by men’s rights activists to champion the freedoms of men and boys. These activists are risking ridicule and unpopularity, to say the least, in order to protect masculinity. Meanwhile, the passivity of women who wholeheartedly believe in the cause to protect male members of society has played a key role in creating a culture in which other men are defecting to feminism. The number of men taking on the identity of a “white knight”—conceding to their supposedly undue “privilege” and worshiping women as goddesses—is terribly distressing. This, however, is what society tells men they must do in order to gain the favor of the women around them. By not speaking against this message we do just what is described in Martin Luther King Jr.’s quote: we cooperate with the evil that is being done to the men in our communities.

The problem is that it’s scary stepping onto the battlefield alone. Being the first to speak up is often absolutely terrifying. But the good news, if we can call it that, is that this isn’t a problem that is specific only to submissive women: it’s a much bigger human problem.

In 1968 the concept of what is known as the Bystander Effect was popularized by social psychologists John Darely and Bibb Latane. The Bystander Effect occurs when the presence of others hinders an individual from intervening in an emergency situation. Darely and Latane launched a series of experiments in their laboratory inspired by the infamous and tragic 1964 murder of Kitty Genovese in which Miss Genovese was stabbed to death outside of her New York City apartment in plain view of 38 of her neighbors who stood by and did nothing. In a typical experiment, the participant is either alone or in a group when a staged emergency occurs and “researchers measured how long it took the participant to intervene, if they intervened.” These experiments found that the larger the number of participants in the group, the less likely it was for any single participant to intervene in the emergency.

Psychologists called this process of social influence “diffusion of responsibility.” In a large group, most people will be guided and influenced by the behavior of the majority rather than act out on their own, even in cases of extreme emergency or at the risk of their own safety. Most people would reason that somewhere in the group was someone smarter, wiser, or braver than themselves and that the responsibility to intervene fell to that individual. If that person, whoever they might be, wasn’t taking any measure to intervene, then the general assumption was that no action was really needed. In the few cases where an individual would respond and intervene, the majority followed. All it took was one brave person to move the entire group to act, but without that person’s choice to act, a whole group of perfectly sane and intelligent human beings would stand by and watch another suffer, be robbed, or even scream for help and do absolutely nothing about it.

It’s terrifying to me to think that I could find myself in a dangerous situation while an audience of observers stood by and did nothing to help. I think we’d all like to believe that we wouldn’t be one of those people waiting for someone else to do something, and yet it happens all of the time. ABC’s show Primetime: What Would You Do? is predicated upon and tests the bystander effect by way of social experiments not so unlike the ones conducted by Darley and Latane. In one particular episode an actress plays the role of an abusive nanny to a small child (also an actress). Staged outside of a cafe in New York City, people witness the nanny call the child names, throw things at her, and make threats of physical abuse. In most cases, even when it’s clear that the witnesses are affected by the situation, people walk by the scene without saying a word. Looks of disapproval and concern are exchanged by passersby, yet, because no one is willing to make the first move, they opt not to act and leave the child defenseless. As submissive females, we contribute to a similar effect when we keep silent and hope that someone else will do the dirty work of passionately and sometimes forcefully standing up against the views that oppose our own or that of the men we serve. I call this scientific understanding “good news” because it means that this behavior isn’t intrinsic to submissive personalities. It’s a socially influenced behavior that is learned and that means it can be overcome.

Along with a commitment to humility, I think it’s important for us to be committed to seeking truth. Seeking truth isn’t about winning the debate. It’s more about having openness toward learning as well as a desire to share one’s thoughts.

Speaking up isn’t necessarily an easy road to take and there are perils and pitfalls to avoid. We live in a culture that is, at least at the moment, in love with the female voice. Women are being given a platform from which to speak their minds and are encouraged that everything that comes out of their mouths is of an almost divine value. With that kind of exaltation, it can be easy for females to slip into the belief that they can do (or say) no wrong. As a result, The Voice of Women, especially online, becomes shrill and sarcastic, attacking others just because it can. Submissive females aren’t by any means immune to the poison that can spread when a girl enjoys the sound of her own voice too much and when, sadly, there are men who call themselves dominants or masters who support this kind of behavior in their women.

With such a poor example being set and encouraged, how do females with good intentions express opinions on controversial issues that are important to them without becoming shrill, snarky, or enraged by others’ disagreement? I think it begins with having a clear vision of what one’s intentions really are. If you’re a woman who is in service to a man, your intentions should, naturally, be to uphold the specific ideals that are important to him and that support his freedom as a man. Even if you’re not in a relationship, supporting causes that look out for men’s rights can be an important motivator for a woman who respects men, as is holding on to the intention to protect others from harm rather than just wanting to be right.

A desire to be right, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing in so far as you want to be in harmony with what is true, most natural, and rational. Finding that sense of rightness in the way we live our lives is, I think, a very important part of understanding dominance and submission and making it a reality. However, there’s a point where the scale can tip and being right becomes a title that a person wants to hold and show off. Many females are vulnerable to that tipping point: they have a weakness for the euphoric frenzy that being right can cause. The more comfortable a female becomes as she uses her voice, the stronger the temptation grows in her to believe she is better, wiser, smarter, or more understanding than everyone else around her, sometimes including the man she serves. To avoid that temptation I believe it’s extremely important to focus on what is at stake when it’s time to speak. If a submissive woman speaks out of a desire to protect the rights of men or the minds of other women who may be impressionable or vulnerable, she casts the attention that speaking up brings away from herself and taps into a more humble urge to shine light into a dark area rather than step into the spotlight herself.

It’s also important to realize that arguing a point simply based on the fact that you believe yourself to be right may not be reliable. It’s a bit like Christians arguing a point based on what the Bible says. To someone whose faith or worldview doesn’t include or consider biblical teaching, it makes reasonable discussion impossible: there’s no real way to make any progress on either side of the point. You may win the argument if you talk the loudest or are the most insistent, but is there any victory in that? To argue a point fairly, we females need to come to the discussion with humility: with an open mind willing to carefully consider others’ points of view and even change if it becomes apparent we are wrong, with a clear understanding of what we are arguing for, with a rational frame of mind that uses logic and information to make points, and with a heart that truly wants to see balance restored and others’ feelings, including one’s opponent’s, protected.

Not every opportunity a woman has to speak is an opportunity she should take. Initially, speaking up is a bit like introducing yourself at a party and joining the conversation around you. You’re supporting a specific idea or maybe opposing it. Whichever it is, in that beginning stage, you’re adding volume to one of the views or issues being discussed and that’s important and good for that stage. Beyond your initial statement or post, however, is when the responsibility to know whether or not you should speak comes into play. A good part of the time controversial topics get beat into the ground and the information being presented turns into a battle to find the most ways to say the same thing over and over and over again. This type of discussion doesn’t help the causes or views that are being represented very well. It may even confuse people reading or watching, if not frustrate them and push them away. No one wants to see points hammered at relentlessly; many would prefer to have their own understanding expanded as well as their own views acknowledged, particularly by a thoughtful leader.

It can be helpful to ask yourself, “Does what I’m about to say simply add to the conversation, or does it advance the conversation?” A comment that adds to the conversation might be well written, it might be thoughtfully presented, but if the information in it only supplements the points that already stand, you’re not really doing much more than stepping onto a soapbox.

There are also times when we, as women, need to choose our battles or, rather, know exactly when not to go to war at all. Some people don’t start conversations with any interest in actually hearing the opinions of others; they are simply spoiling for a fight. A legitimate conversation is started with openness and authenticity. Even when the subject matter is controversial, there’s a noticeable desire for deeper understanding in the statements being made or the questions being asked. This is quite a contrast to someone who is simply making inflammatory statements to incite a reaction. Participating in a conversation which involves the latter is to fight a losing battle. You cannot “win” with a person whose goal is to waste your time and take sadistic satisfaction in having gotten people’s dander up. These sorts of characters and the dramas they create are not only unproductive, they are also damaging to the message you’re trying to represent.

One example of the type of disruptive and distracting interactions I’m talking about can be found in the comment sections of Women Against Feminism’s Tumblr and Facebook accounts. Posts are made by women expressing why they don’t believe they need feminism. Not all of the posts are articulated as well as they could be, but many make valid points worth considering. There are always comments in these threads by individuals who are clearly only seeking to cause a commotion. Without fail these inflammatory comments are the ones that get the greatest response and before long no one is paying any attention to what was said in the original post. The ultimate result is that productive discussion never takes place and it becomes very difficult to take the group seriously in spite of their male-positive message. Such comments—open insults, language that is accusatory or hostile, even questions that might seem innocent at first but when looked at more closely have a divisive flavor to them—are meant to distract, bait, and ensnare people, making them appear unstable and effectively undermining the presentation of their beliefs.

Tempting as it may be, learning to ignore the bait offered by someone who is clearly a troll is wise. It can be difficult to watch such an individual stir up trouble and attack that which is dear to us, but the type of person who regularly does this will not listen to reason. Trying to have a conversation with this sort of person is often an utter waste of time (unless you are one of those rare, deeply skilled debaters who knows the tricky business of using a troll to promote and further one’s own agenda—and that means understanding when it can and when it cannot be done). Worst of all, in a small way it validates the troll’s position to those watching, reading, or listening. It is wise for most people to treat this sort of drama as the trivial and low bid for attention that it is, if not to spare ourselves the stress of struggling through a conversation that is doomed from the beginning, than to spare others from having to further consider the ridiculous points being made by the other side. If we don’t endorse the troll by opposing him, we indicate that his or her issue is of little or no concern to us and, who knows, maybe others will follow our example. There are times when not drawing attention to the words of someone whose only intent is to cause harm is more important than presenting any form of alternate perspective.

When it is time to speak, the way we come to an issue can make a huge impact on those listening and reading. It’s important to approach an issue from a realization that one does not know everything there is to know about the subject and that there may be some important things to learn from those we are most opposed to. Starting from this position of humility might seem obvious to a submissive soul, but debate often stirs very deep emotions for women and these emotions can eclipse even a desire as deeply rooted as humble obedience to the spirit of female submission. Sometimes the most obvious things can cause the greatest errors. If a submissive woman relies too heavily on a trait like humility to be instinctive, rather than a constant and conscious choice, it’s possible for her to slip without ever knowing it. For this reason, before saying a word, it’s a good idea for a woman to check in with that core understanding of who she is and remember that she is not infallible and that her opinion is subject to correction. This isn’t to say that she shouldn’t speak with passion and that there isn’t a place for emotion in a debate, just that those things must be balanced by humility or at very least open-mindedness in order to avoid an undercurrent of ego and combativeness tainting everything she says.

Along with a commitment to humility, I think it’s important for us to be committed to seeking truth. Seeking truth isn’t about winning the debate. It’s more about having openness toward learning as well as a desire to share one’s thoughts. By learning, I do not mean that the information exchanged necessarily influences her, but there’s often something in these types of discussions to be learned about other people and taking an attitude that is willing to hear and respond rather than simply expressing your own opinion goes a long way towards making a conversation productive and useful. Also, people like it when you listen to them. Sometimes all they want is to know that they’ve been heard.

Use clear and simple language. Those following along shouldn’t have to be put through linguistic gymnastics in order to understand your point. If a woman cannot make a clear and simple argument, it is very possible that there’s been some mistake in her thinking. To quote William Penn, “Speak properly, and in as few words as you can, but always plainly; for the end of speech is not ostentation, but to be understood.”

Even when taking great care to approach controversial issues respectfully and tactfully, voicing an opinion often means running the risk of a counterattack. There are always those who are determined to fight rather than to discuss. These sort of personalities can be exhausting to interact with and a major time sink. It seems wise to be selective when it comes to which confrontations are worth taking on. There are issues of such great importance that the fear of being attacked or snubbed should absolutely not deter a submissive woman from speaking up, and there are also issues which are trivial and not worth the effort. A good starting place for those already in service to a man is to ask him what issues matter most to him. Naturally, and if it is his wish, a submissive female will be willing to face conflict and attack in order to support the interests of her man. In general, however, I believe it is most useful for submissive women to choose issues which speak to what they are for rather than what they are against. There will be times when it’s necessary for a woman to express what she’s against, but by and large, I think her opinions have greater impact when she positively expresses what she promotes and it’s an area where (though it still needs to be kept in check) her emotion can be worked to her advantage. A good example of this is speaking up when it comes to issues regarding men’s rights, or the education of boys—things that are greatly suffering in today’s cultural climate—versus speaking against feminism.

There’s a time and a place where speaking against a particular issue, like feminism, is important and worth facing the attack that will inevitably ensue.

By speaking for the rights of men and boys, and by openly and passionately supporting ideas and systems that affirm and protect male children in a female-centric society, females can draw attention to subjects that are very important while making conversation about these issues approachable. The act of being for something is immediately positive. When we’re for something it draws out the better part of our emotions—passion that is driven by love, and respect, and an instinctive desire to protect that transcends defensiveness and taps into the very deepest levels of loyalty—and this type of emotion can inspire and rally other people around a cause rather than create an instant divide. The result is conversation that is productive and focused on the most important issues. It’s a powerful way to speak without being intimidating and it welcomes and draws people into discussion, rather than scaring them into silence.

Alternatively, speaking against something like feminism, while it has its place and while there are times when it’s important and necessary to speak against it, can fall into that trivial category. Speaking personally, standing in opposition to feminism is very important. The trouble is that there is rarely ever a time when a debate about feminism ends up being more than a bunch of people on either side of the issue ranting about their feelings. The moments when there is any rational or reasonable conversation happening are so far and few between that it can be difficult to justify drawing additional attention to an issue that already gets more than its fair share. Also, by comparison, being against something draws forth the very worst of female emotion, in my experience. These types of debates tend to be catty, ruthless, sarcastic, and shrill, which is probably a good part of the reason genuinely submissive women disappear into the shadows when a conversation like this starts. Again, there’s a time and a place where speaking against a particular issue, like feminism, is important and worth facing the attack that will inevitably ensue. In fact, your man just may require it of you, at which point you should be ready and willing. But in general, choosing to promote instead of oppose, when it comes to when and where females speak their minds, seems to be more productive.

Though it may feel unnatural and uncomfortable at first, submissive women can learn how to speak up. We can pour our hearts and souls into upholding the ideals and standards that are in the best interest of the men or the causes we serve (which makes these ideals, ultimately, in our best interest as well). As a byproduct, we also gift other submissive females in our midst with the comfort of not being the first to speak out. By assuming the risk and responsibility of being the first in speaking out and by refusing to let our silence be assumed as indifference, acceptance, or approval, we make it easier for others to step up and join us. We have the opportunity to help make others brave by being brave ourselves first. I believe it’s high time even the most shy and timid seize that opportunity and make the most of it (their men permitting, of course!), for the sake of obedience, devotion to the causes of male interest, and our absolute love for them.

October 23, 2013

Three Pieces of Wisdom

By Nina E.

A while ago a poster in our forums started a thread about “Wise Women.” She provided a web page example posted on a religious outreach site that offered marriage counseling and advice. I was struck by the plenitude of wisdom on that web page and thought a Humbled Females version of such basic truths would be useful. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this site’s key principle, humbleness, is very much akin to what that web page was calling wisdom.

It’s very interesting how these two terms are so often synonymous, not just for women wanting to serve men but for anyone who seeks to improve themselves or who seeks something greater than themselves. Humility or humbleness goes hand-in-hand with traits such as a willingness to learn—particularly from one’s mistakes, open-mindedness, understanding, being alert to one’s surroundings and the people in them, and being self-critical in order to become self-knowing. All of these are traits traditionally associated with wisdom. The converse is also true: with egotism, narcissism, vanity, and overweening self-regard so often comes perceptual blindness, stupidity, vulnerability to flattery, and ignorance of what is actually going on around oneself or, even worse, inside oneself.

This article samples a few of the core passages from the religious website’s page that struck me as particularly relevant to those who visit Humbled Females and then expands upon them a bit. Before beginning, it may be important to reiterate that Humbled Females is secular and does not endorse any particular religion, but should we find valuable information in a religious source we won’t hesitate to use it. There are, however, some significant differences between that website’s approach and the approach taken here and I’d like to lay these out at the beginning before displaying its treasures.

First, the website referred to believes that a woman obeying a man is a mandate from a deity. At Humbled Females, we believe more that this is the natural way women and men have lived together and successfully cooperated with each other for hundreds of thousands of years. Thus, we feel natural and at home when we relate to the opposite sex in these ways.

A humbled female doesn’t take anything for granted. Think about this for a second. It’s very easy to pass over this one, to read it, nod in half-asleep agreement or even assert to oneself, “I never take anything for granted in my relationship. It’s a basic tenet that I don’t, after all.” I was tempted to do that, too, but rather than passing it over, I decided to reflect upon it a little deeper.

Secondly, the religious website ministers to a specific local audience, an audience that I expect is not well-represented on Humbled Females. As part of this, it tends to apologize for weaknesses in men and, in some cases, even assumes male weakness as a base principle, which is not something endorsed here at all! Nevertheless, when one overlooks the passages written specifically to that audience, a lot of insight into male-led relationships and what makes them work can be gleaned.

One other important principle distinguishes the Humbled Females approach from that of the other site. We automatically assume that men and women coming to Humbled Females are intensely interested in male-led relationships and that the women who spend time here are at least partially humbled. We assume such women have done the hard work on themselves that is necessary to approach a man or a male-led relationship with the appropriate spirit: well aware of personal faults, self-effacing, quiet, narcissism and self-obsession in check, interested in a man’s life, mind and world far more than their own lives, minds, and worlds. The religious site, on the other hand, works with confused and unhappy couples, people conditioned to blindly accept egalitarian marriages in which a humbled attitude in a woman was not ever fostered or encouraged. From the things the site authors let slip between the lines, many of these relationships are a mess, with the common modern feminism myths deeply entrenched and the female rankly disobedient, hostile toward, and scornful of her male, despite her religious beliefs which encourage an opposite attitude. Humbled Females is not geared toward individuals with such unenlightened attitudes nor do we believe such marriages can necessarily be saved. If the humble spirit isn’t already there in the woman’s heart and if the need for that spirit is not already understood by her, our view is that very little—if any—progress can be made.

A humbled female doesn’t take anything for granted.

Think about this for a second. It’s very easy to pass over this one, to read it, nod in half-asleep agreement or even assert to oneself, “I never take anything for granted in my relationship. It’s a basic tenet that I don’t, after all.” I was tempted to do that, too, but rather than passing it over, I decided to reflect upon it a little deeper. The statement can be read in a couple of ways. For those humbled females who are not living as slaves, the statement is a gentle reminder of something that is easy to forget: that all the good in our lives, our homes that keep us safe and warm, our children, our lovely clothes and makeup, our hobbies and passions that we pursue, our careers, our leisure time, our relationships with friends and family, and, most of all, our core happiness and contentment over it all comes from being second-in-command to the captain who runs our domestic ship and makes everything work out right. Without that basic relationship in place, we’d be unhappy and restless and this would significantly color our appreciation for other experiences, even good experiences. When a woman who needs to be commanded, directed, or led to a particular degree isn’t, nothing feels right, even if her life is seemingly free of strife. When she is, everything feels right at the core of things and she is able to face life’s difficulties much easier.

Perhaps some of us work and bring in money that buys the physical things. But would those things mean anything to us if there wasn’t a male ruling over us and, through his wise decisions (that don’t always go our way), taking care of the benefit and well-being of all members of the household? It’s quite easy when a humbled female is in a good and satisfying situation to forget that this good comes from somewhere—from someone, more specifically—and that if he were to suddenly disappear from life, her world would be ashes. When a female starts to take her good fortune, and particularly, her man, for granted, she frequently opens the door to discontent, restlessness, greed for more. When that happens she starts to feel that she deserves more rights, more lovely possessions, more leisure time, even more say in the decision-making process. Or perhaps her eye starts to wander and she begins to imagine how happy she’d be with a different sort of man. A humbled female can start to ruin her own happiness and that of those around her by forgetting that this happiness is largely based on one thing: pleasing and being subservient to the male in her life. She forgets how thankful she should be for that man because she has started to take him for granted.

It can be interesting to ask oneself, “Do I really take nothing for granted?” What would your answer be? Going into specifics can be even more interesting: “Don’t I expect to always have a warm bed or other place to sleep at night if I am in my home?” “Don’t I expect a certain amount of sleep most nights?” “Don’t I take for granted that I won’t be forced to go out in chilly zero-degree weather without clothes or in skimpy summer clothes?” “Don’t I assume the man who controls me won’t humiliate me in front of those who shouldn’t know about our relationship?” “Don’t I take my daily meals, my morning routine, my weekly TV series that I must watch, perhaps a daily shower, regular time on the Internet or something similar to these things for granted?” “Even if I intellectually understand that nothing stays the same, don’t I emotionally assume all of this will always be there?”

For those of us in more rigid relationships these are particularly relevant questions to ask as we have little or no right to assume anything in our lives is a given or that it is always going to be there. But we seem as likely as our freer sisters to unconsciously make such assumptions. Just this morning, for example, my Master eliminated my morning breakfast/supplement-taking ritual. I was required to do chores, work out in the gym, and start this article without the energy-boosting substances of breakfast. It was quite hard. I was not only disappointed and hungry but became momentarily convinced that I could not think without a cup of coffee in me! As you can see from the above text, I was able to think despite a growling tummy and feeling like my brain wasn’t running on all cylinders. I had simply taken my morning routine for granted. It’s impossible to be ever-vigilant, to watch out for creeping complacency at all times. But I think most women can give themselves regular reminders so that they don’t cozily take all they have as a given, as something that will always be there. Some of us are lucky enough to have men who will remind us, like my Master did this morning, of what we take for granted. But this is largely a job that a humbled female has to do in her own head. It pays great dividends to do so, as one’s happiness and contentment increase as a result, and the common forms of discontent and ungratefulness are less likely to take root in one’s mind.

It’s worth mentioning that this job is never complete. No matter how much we may see the need intellectually to never take anything for granted, it’s still going to happen, particularly if our men treat us kindly and decently. I’ve personally never gotten rid of this tendency, and I don’t think it’s the sort of thing you can permanently eradicate. But it is the sort of thing one can keep a close eye out for and when a humbled female catches herself in the act of taking something for granted or, in the case of a slave, desiring or demanding more than is her due, she can often stop the thoughts or behavior.

A humbled female understands that her dominant man’s need to be honored is not based on his performance but on his position.

It is a good thing to be drawn to a man initially because of his greatness, because of certain qualities or ways of behaving and communicating that we intensely admire in him. But once a humbled female has agreed to be his and his alone, and particularly once she starts to live intimately with him and he relaxes around her and shows her his many sides, it is essential that she not set herself up as his judge and base her opinions of him on whether he is acting like “SuperMale” or not at any given second of the day. The truth is that he is SuperMale all the time because he now commands her, not because he has to keep proving himself to her over and over again. She may have initially agreed to serve him because of the greatness and breadth of his ideas, the largeness of his spirit, his keen intelligence, his powerful presence, broad experience, compelling charisma, or other qualities that really impressed her. She desired him to favor her with his attention, she desired to be one he picked to serve and follow him. Once that sacred pact is entered into, it is essential for a humbled female not to lose her perception of the man’s godlike relation to herself. What he does after she becomes his is his business and his only, not hers to critique or change. (There is one exception to this. Opinions vary, but it is my belief that a humbled female need not remain loyal to a male who no longer dominates her because the core reason she started the relationship with him has been removed, or, to put it another way, the sacred pact has been broken.)

A humbled female isn’t one of those shallow “conditional” submissives, the type who only submits to a man who keeps impressing and entertaining her day after day, who never lets his hair (or his guard) down, who is always perfectly dressed, well-spoken, and acting like the romantic lead character in a cheesy BDSM romance novel, no matter how bad of a day he is actually having. She doesn’t stop submitting because he firmly tells her “no” over something, even if it’s something she really wants. The women who do this are submitting to a fantasy, not to a real human being. They prefer the pleasant perfect illusion over the reality because they are, at core, still egotistical, childish dreamers who are incapable of submitting fully to a real human being. They may imagine themselves so great or so wonderful that no man they submit to will ever be less than perfect. Once a man starts to reveal his grounded reality, his humanity, they disappointedly go in chase of the next romantic masterly phantom.

A humbled female avoids judging the man she serves because she is well aware of her tendency to confuse her fantasies and illusions about what the perfect dominant male is with reality. She understands the role that silly romance novels in all their thin guises (BDSM, vampire, demonic, magical) have had in influencing her ideas about how the perfect male looks or acts. As the religious website said in one article, the romance novels women read tend to paint the ideal man as both hyper-masculine and hyper-sensitive at the same time—in addition to his superhuman powers, dark mysterious good looks, and fabulous wealth, of course. It should not need to be said here that no real man is like the characters in those novels. But most submissive women still harbor secret fantasies that such men exist, and sometimes they even believe they have found him, due to the way they misinterpret how he presents himself: they see only what they want to see, not what is actually there.

Imagine how a woman who believes in the hyper-masculine-yet-hyper-sensitive-to-her-needs myth feels when she is rambling on and on self-centeredly, as women are wont to do, about her issues, her problems, her activities, her needs, her desires… and then he suddenly tells her, out of the blue, to shut her mouth. There flies the hyper-sensitive part of her fantasy about him out the window. But real dominant men, although they may occasionally have some interest in a feminine narcissistic spiel (particularly if it is entertaining) or find a specific line of talk interesting because of what it tells them about how her mind works, are rarely interested in listening to frequent, long, self-obsessed soliloquys from a woman—whether spoken or written. A dominant man wants a woman to say things of relevance, things that interest him, and say them concisely. Talking about oneself has its place, but it is a much smaller place than most women are comfortable with. Thus, when some putatively submissive women are told to shut up they immediately start to judge the male as inferiorly dominant, simply because he will not pander to their rampant narcissism and self-absorption. That judgment actually means the opposite of what they imagine is true: it means they are facing a superior male specimen, a commanding man who knows exactly what he wants, and they are too weak (too self-indulgent and/or too self-impressed) to deal with him on his terms and serve him in the ways he wishes. Far too many women who claim to want a “master” in reality only want a rapt and adoring audience for their narcissistic displays.

It is critical that by the time she gets around to serving a man, a woman claiming to be humbled understands that she is no longer the judge of that man. The time for weighing and balancing comes before she submits fully to him. It’s now time for her to live up to her sacred commitment to serve and obey him. This means, in part, realizing that her acceptance of him as her ruler was not conditional and based on whether he puts on whatever performance she wants to see on a day-to-day basis but rather based on her decision that, overall, he was very well-suited to ruling her. After that decision and commitment has been made, it would seem to follow that her honor, respect, loyalty, and obedience would be based on the firm belief that, come good or bad, heaven or hell, he is now her ruler in all things and must be obeyed because that is his role in her life, a role she claimed she desperately needed a man to fill. It should not be based on whether he “talks the talk” that gives her the little tinglies between her legs, whether he makes her feel arrogantly proud that she has the most alpha male in the pack, whether he obediently plays out whatever role she approves of or feels most comfortable with, or any other self-centered, selfish desire. She obeys because he is now her lord and ruler, ideally for the remainder of her life. Before she became his, performance had to take precedence over position in order that she could choose wisely to serve a compatible man who could control her to the extent that she needed to be controlled. But once she’s given herself to him or allowed herself to be taken by him, then position—namely his position over her as her ruler, director, or controller—now takes precedence over anything specific he says or does. If it comes from him, then, ideally, no matter what it is, she views it as a sacred law that must be obeyed.

A humbled female never expects anyone to serve her; therefore she is never disappointed.

A typical “kinky” woman, particularly one who has been exposed to the confusing BDSM fetish scene, takes for granted that the man in her life, no matter how much she claims to believe in male supremacy or how extremely she is controlled, will always “be there for her.” This vague phrase, “being there,” means different things to different women, but central to all descriptions is the core assumption of male service to the female: his listening to her whenever she wants to speak, his taking her “needs” (even if they aren’t needs) into account at all times, his “providing” for her, his patiently giving her his time, resources, and attention no matter what sort of negative drama-queen acts she pulls. Even the best of women will sometimes assume that a man will automatically center his life and plans around her and what “works for her,” never step on her proclaimed weak areas, and always listen to her ideas and suggestions, ideally putting them into practice.

It’s hard to be a woman these days in our culture and not assume that, no matter how controlled or owned you are, your owner won’t also be giving you stuff and giving up stuff he might want for your sake. There’s something in women that makes them seekers of and collectors of resources. We tend to regard ourselves as extremely important and non-expendable: valuable objects that must be cared for, maintained, and preserved. This largely unconscious assumption could come from a woman’s role as a breeder. Human females may have inside them some sort of genetic self-protection algorithm that urges them on to get what they think they need from others, and particularly from a protective male, so that when they give birth to and raise children, there is a better chance they will all survive. Unfortunately, women these days carry that algorithm, if that is what it is, to an absurd level of narcissism and selfish “me-first” thinking. Everything in our current culture screams that the woman is far, far more important than the more-expendable man and men are lauded and praised for their selflessness and sacrifices to women.

To a truly humbled female, all that glorification of the female seems shockingly backward and utterly repulsive. She doesn’t want to make herself the center of the relationship around which a man revolves but rather have him be the glorious sun around which she revolves. And yet it is awfully hard at times, even for such women, to fight pernicious feminist conditioning that seems to be supporting this possibly genetically-based attitude that feels so “right” to us: the idea that we deserve special or better resources, attention, and treatment than a male. The types of special favors humbled females expect tend to be different (and also more hidden or subtle) than those of other women, but the common ground is that we still expect them. Part of a strong man’s role is to disillusion his female of these expectations, but she needs to be on board with that, not fighting him or feeling denied or deprived if she isn’t treated as a precious treasure that must be oh-so-carefully preserved. She needs first to understand how ugly and self-centered such an attitude is. Then she must be willing to find what forms this attitude takes in her own mind and behavior. Finally, ideally with the help of the man she serves, she can destroy these false and subversive expectations. By not ever expecting anyone to serve her in any way and, instead, by focusing on helping and serving others, a humbled female applies a very useful mental tool, a tool that can keep her sane, with her feet realistically planted on earth. With her vanity and self-regard on a tight leash, she can remain committed to her aspirations of real and useful service to a man.

That isn’t to say a woman shouldn’t speak out if she genuinely needs something or if it would help her. But what if you’re refused? Are you prepared to graciously accept “no” for an answer if that is what he tells you, even if you think you absolutely must have whatever it is you requested? Can you do so without harboring negative thoughts against him? Such negative thoughts represent pride and ego speaking: “I deserve this! Why doesn’t he give it to me? He’s so perverse, evil, uncaring, stupid! He doesn’t understand how I feel.” If a woman genuinely realizes that she is there to serve others, particularly her man, she does not chafe when denied something, even something she thinks she absolutely needs. She trusts her man’s decision to deny her things when or if he wishes, and quietly accepts his will, just as any adult who has made a mature commitment to follow orders would. When a woman is a true giver and fully focused on giving, then what she receives or does not receive stops mattering so much to her. It’s just par for the course: she knows that all of life has its ups and its downs and a relationship of service is no different. A humbled female acknowledges and honors her man’s every decision, even if it momentarily disappoints her, and moves on, letting the chips fall where they will. And quite often she will find that such chips were imaginary to begin with.

January 30, 2013


By Nina E.

Have you ever seen a cat on a fireplace mantle or other high place swat a nearby object over the edge just to see what happens when it falls down? People who own cats quickly learn about this tendency and stop putting anything fragile in a high place that a cat could jump to. Human female activity in the emotional realm sometimes reminds me of this feline behavior. Sometimes women will swat at the emotions of the ones they love just to see what will happen. Unfortunately, the damage a woman can cause when seeing if “something” will break when she pushes it over the edge has far more serious and extensive consequences than the breaking of a physical object. And the behavior is often far less innocent than a cat’s.

When a woman in a conventional relationship pushes someone close to her over the emotional edge, she sometimes does so with subterfuge. She creates a false story, an enactment in which she is the innocent victim feeling honest emotions and he is the evil villain, the bumbling incompetent, or both who makes everything so much worse. These false dramas remind me of puppet shows, with the woman skillfully hidden behind the stage, pulling the strings of all who walk across it. Even humbled females may attempt to enact these dramas with the men they’ve sworn to respect and obey. Such behavior, if it’s not noticed or stopped, has the effect of subverting or even destroying constructive, peaceful male-led relationships.

Why do women engage in this sort of tinkering when it inevitably leads to stress, grief, anger, and sometimes terrible consequences for themselves or the ones they supposedly love? This article attempts to answer that question by examining some of the ways in which females, even humbled females, mischievously mess with otherwise happy situations, and, in the process of doing so, do harm to their relationships.

Drama’s Many Forms

The word “drama” has a lot of different meanings, but it’s being used here to indicate a type of behavior that that involves elements of acting, strong hysteria or other negative emotions, and a fictional, made-up story. The kinds of negative emotional experimentation typically engaged in by females take a wide variety of forms. A few that are potentially appealing to women in male-led relationships are listed below. Why do these particular forms of drama appeal to humbled females? Perhaps because they do not involve direct attacks upon a man. 

The outcome of constantly worrying about “what might be” rather than accepting and enjoying “what is” has a far broader influence and a potentially more serious impact than merely spoiling the mood.

Such aggression would neither be tolerated by him nor be found compatible with her own self-image. But subtler, more indirect manifestations of drama will be less likely to be detected for what they actually are. If employed by a skilled player, they cover up or even justify the female’s emotional tinkering.

Overthinking: Perhaps the mildest form of female strings-pulling takes the form of worrying too much about something that doesn’t really need worry or attention. People in general have become more sensitive to this trait in recent years and are vaguely aware that, like PMS, overthinking is something of a “female thing.” While women are more likely to admit to doing this these days than they used to be, the role that overthinking can play in causing unhappiness and even wrecking a relationship is still greatly underestimated. Women often laugh at this tendency of theirs as one might laugh at any trivial weakness. Perhaps this is because they are not on the receiving end of the stress it causes. Being around a chronic worrier who is constantly thinking up worse-case scenarios and who needs frequent and heavy reassurance that all is OK is not very fun. Often, an enjoyable outing, an important project, or other pleasurable or exciting activities are ruined by an overthinker’s stress.

The outcome of constantly worrying about “what might be” rather than accepting and enjoying “what is” has a far broader influence and a potentially more serious impact than merely spoiling the mood. For instance, a woman who imagines her husband is having an affair behind her back but has no proof of this may drive him to desperation with her suspicious accusations. Overthinking is closely linked to over-imagining. And, like Chicken Little, who falsely believed that the sky was falling, the woman who overthinks things typically does so by imaging all sorts of dread possibilities that are not actually happening now—but just might in the near future. Her emotional reactions to these negative fantasies are often quite strong, as strong as they would be if they were actually occurring.

Overplanning: This is a variety of obsessive-compulsive behavior that is often a reaction to overthinking. Trying to plan for contingencies and keep others safe is a natural trait in females who must care for and nurture their young until they are capable of taking care of themselves. But when a female overplans in order to avoid too many imagined negative outcomes she can, like the overthinker, ruin the spontaneous fun of the moment. A female who overplans also faces the possibility that she will, in her zeal to “cover all bases,” start trying to take control of the man’s actions or steer the relationship. There are things she can take care of, goes her reasoning, that “he just doesn’t see or won’t bother with.” Of course, if these things are not important to him then they should not be important to her, but the humbled female who succumbs to the urge to overplan sometimes loses sight of this important aspect of submission to a man’s will.

Over-observing: Overplanning can lead a woman to a sick form of over-observing, or stalking her mate. In the imagined interests of protection, she can become his worst enemy: a hostile spy who keeps tabs on his every action so that she can anticipate him and plan her next move or accusation. Wanting to know everything about a man and feeling resentful if she doesn’t is ugly in any sort of relationship but particularly so in those that involve a purportedly humbled female who claims to live for his happiness. By poking her inquisitive nose into his private affairs, a woman demonstrates a disturbing distrustfulness of the one she serves. And, if discovered, such snooping demonstrates to the man that this woman is beyond all doubt deeply untrustworthy. Spying is also a form of usurping control: the obsessed woman tries to control the object of her obsession through knowing everything she can about what he’s doing and thinking. Her overwhelming “need to know,” whether fueled by suspicion and mistrust or just the result of female nosiness, is far greater than her desire to love, serve, and obey her man.

Emotional Trojan Horses: A far more deliberate form of the female tendency to tinker maliciously with others’ feelings occurs when a part of her wants to mess with someone but realizes that in order not to be blamed for it she must hide what she is really doing within a cause that appears more legitimate. Malicious attempts to upset others often crouch within seemingly valid emotions like fear, regret, angst, anxiety, and other “honest” concerns which serve to make the troublemaker look as if she has a legitimate problem. Some women learn, though the solicitous way men treat them when they are ill, have PMS, or are depressed, that they can get away with upsetting a male if their real intentions are well hidden within a more honorable form of distress.

We’ve all known females whose lives seem to be one constant crisis after the next. As soon as the latest drama has died down, a new one crops up. Some women seem almost compelled to create non-existent problems between themselves and a male partner. Out of the blue, such a woman will suddenly be deeply upset over something allegedly awful that the man did, but if he responds in the right ways, the “traumatized” female magically recovers. Things go back to normal for a while, but a few days or weeks later a new emotional emergency magically appears. Some women have a secret belief that the existence of constant drama—particularly great emotional upsets followed by cathartic reconciliations—is a sign of true love. If things go too long at a calm, steady pace, such a woman may actually feel that something is wrong with the relationship: that it is decaying or that he is losing interest. At that point, she’ll orchestrate a dramatic event to “prove” his fidelity and commitment to her. Women can become so skilled at constructing these dramatic scenes of woe that they manage even to fool themselves: they start to believe that their sad cover stories are the actual truth.

A made-up-drama or other female-designed Trojan horse, is, at its core, an attempt to control somebody through deception and misdirection so that he never fully realizes her actual intentions. Many a humbled female will justify such behavior as “testing” their mate, seeing if he has what it takes to truly control them. If such testing goes beyond a certain stage, however, it’s often just sick game-playing or a masked attempt to steer the relationship in the direction she wants it to head. A humbled female who plays this sort of game is on very thin ice. If the male she is with understands control and the various ways in which it works, he’ll see through these pantomimes fairly quickly and be quite angered by her dishonest and disruptive behavior.

There are some common elements among these various forms of feminine drama. One seems to be a tendency to often confuse imagination with reality. Another is a female’s inability to trust the leadership of the person she is closest to and whom she has sworn to obey. There is often a malicious urge at the heart of all this behavior, an urge to see what will result from her deceptive games and creation of false dramas. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, these behaviors are frequently attempts to covertly control the man she supposedly serves. She is trying, whether she knows it or not, to be the secret puppeteer pulling his strings.


Why do women act in these counterproductive and sabotaging ways? There is no single simple answer. It’s possible, for instance, that overthinking or overplanning may be a byproduct of natural human female nurturing behavior. Planning for the small contingencies can help to keep one’s young safer and healthier. This detailed-oriented style of thinking may be something hardwired into women through genetic selection. Additionally, a less direct manner of relating to the stronger and more aggressive male, as has been suggested in a number of studies, may have had survival value in human prehistory and thus be something a female was likely to pass on to her daughters.

Finally, there is the motivation that is hardest to talk about because it is, quite frankly, so ugly. It is the “cat knocking things off a mantelpiece” urge—the desire to amuse oneself by manipulating someone, playing with their emotions, and then seeing what results from all this.

But while the disposition to approach issues indirectly or even to overplan may be a genetic tendency, women aren’t unconscious reactionary robots at the mercy of rigid biological programs. They think, they observe, they can choose their actions, they experience the outcomes of their choices, and they can learn from all of this. Genetic predispositions, if psychological, can be overcome by upbringing, training, or simple self-determination.

Giving up control over one’s life and decisions is hard and, at times, frightening, even for the most devoted of servants! At the same time as she is trying to give up personal control, a woman new to being humbled may also, paradoxically, be trying to hang onto it, perhaps in small ways that she hopes her man will either not notice or not care about. The types of behavior being discussed here are clearly attempts to retain control, whether it be through planning for all possible contingencies or the creation of misleading dramas that direct a man’s attention away from the real issues. Her fear or resentment of his control may inspire her to work indirectly to sabotage it. Due to the odd way the mind can compartmentalize conflicting or contradictory thoughts, a humbled female can often do all of this while consciously believing that she is deeply obedient and utterly devoted to the man she serves.

Sometimes there is no fear of losing control or other strong emotion behind this behavior. Sometimes a female’s tendency to deceive is rooted in unthinking habits, her upbringing, or unconsciously held attitudes. Most women, in fact, are brought up to view this way of behaving as normal and only “slightly naughty.” The TV shows, movies, magazines, and online social media that surrounds us all demonstrate and encourage this behavior. Many girls learn it by watching and absorbing the way mom interacts with dad or how a sister treats her boyfriend. Sadly, young females are bombarded from a variety of sources with the message that deceiving men in order to control their attitudes or responses is not only OK but is what is expected of women.

Finally, there is the motivation that is hardest to talk about because it is, quite frankly, so ugly. It is the “cat knocking things off a mantelpiece” urge—the desire to amuse oneself by manipulating someone, playing with their emotions, and then seeing what results from all this. A female who cannot admit that she has this tendency in herself, even if only a little, is probably doomed to engage in this behavior far more frequently than her more honest sisters. Her ego, bound up with being “good,” will be blind her to the reality that she is capable of having these base impulses and even acting upon them. While innocence and pureness are part of many a humbled female’s self-image, a woman who cannot admit to herself that she is not perfectly innocent and pure is a woman living in a fantasy.


How does a humbled female come to realize she is pulling emotional strings to make others dance to her tunes if she has a blind spot toward seeing herself in that light and even believes her own cover stories? This can be a troublesome conundrum but there are a few ways around it. Below is a five-step method that works well for any sort of personal change, but is particularly useful when trying to spot unpleasant truths in oneself in order to do something about them. This method works by taking realizations in slow, gradual stages, each of which prepares the mind for the next step toward truth.

1. Examining the Past: When a behavior or attitude is unconscious but a woman suspects she might have it, the first place to look is in her past. It’s far easier to examine mistakes that are long over as they no longer carry the bite or pain of the immediate. In particular, a humbled female can examine her prior relationships with other men to see if she can remember engaging in manipulative strings-pulling or even just gentle attempts to direct a man’s behavior.

2. Examining the Present: If a humbled female can identify a few such incidents from her past, she can move on to the next step, which is to ask herself, “Have I felt any similar motivations or desires in my current relationship?” The chances are likely she will have felt such things, as her current relationship is often far more controlled, far more dependent on the man’s whims and decisions, than others she’s been in. Her deep dependency on him will quite naturally cause frustration or fear in her at times. Identifying and admitting to these feelings is the next step.

3. Connecting Motivation with Actions: If frustrations or fears crop up, the chances are high that a controlled woman may have taken steps, at one time or another, to relieve them. Maybe she did so in very minor ways like forgetting to confess that she stayed up a half hour later than she should. This is the sort of thing she can start to look for: small omissions and other minor attempts to make outcomes work out her way, perhaps by overemphasizing a physical or emotional problem. This is the most crucial step: to link the emotions or motivations uncovered in Step 2 with actual acts intended to satisfy or relieve the former.

The following checklist depicts some signs that these motivations—and perhaps actions—are at work in a humbled female:

    1. Worry about a non-existent issue and convincing herself that it is true.
    2. Testing the man by disobeying him subtly to see if he catches on.
    3. Thinking about him with clear disrespect or scorn.
    4. Embellishing or exaggerating negative feelings in order to manipulate her man.
    5. Indirect communication, perhaps by vague conversations or complaining about his behavior to others.
    6. Hiding large parts of her life from his eyes; having a second, secret life that doesn’t involve him.
    7. Attempting to snoop or pry into his private business without him knowing.
    8. Turning to others to build up support for her victimized position and to justify further disobedience.
    9. Advising him on the “best” ways to dominate her, instructing him in what works for her and what doesn’t.

4. Refusing to Wallow in Self-Blame: It can be shocking for a woman to realize that she is not as fully devoted to her man as she once believed she was, but remember, martyring out is quite often just another form of female drama, designed to engender pity in those exposed to it. Despite her guilt, it is essential for a humbled female to put this sort of thing into perspective: to err is human and we all make mistakes! But as these behaviors are destructive in the rarified relationship she now finds herself in, it is important for her to see where and how and why they are occurring without being destroyed by angst over what she finds out.

5. Telling Him About It: Communicating these types of things to her partner, as hard as this may be, will greatly relieve the mind of an unhappy, guilt-ridden female, ashamed of her behavior. She knows that when her controlling male better understand how she operates, he will be able to keep her (as well as him) safe from her worst excesses. His forgiveness, when it comes, will feel like a gentle rain on a parched land. She will feel intense relief that everything is out in the open and she can feel proud and happy for owning up to something difficult but very important to admit.


If the humbled female has carefully and conscientiously identified this behavior in herself, chances are likely the male in charge will be impressed by her thoroughness and desire to deal directly with such difficult issues.

If, however, she refrains from telling him what she must, he may eventually feel a sense of unease, of something being wrong or off-kilter in the relationship, even if he doesn’t know what. She will feel uneasy, too, and may even blame him for it. If left unattended, her slight feeling of unease, because fueled by unconscious guilt, may blossom into despair at her situation and contempt for her partner’s obtuseness.

The male may see through the female’s subterfuge and call her to the carpet. She may be disciplined for it or have to undergo many painful discussions in which he attempts to discover the extent of her trickery.

There’s also a possibility the relationship will just dissolve. The male may feel something is deeply wrong between them but may not be able to pinpoint precisely what it is and he might just call it all off citing “mutual incompatibility.”

Even worse, the man might not notice what is going on at all. Someone inexperienced with the ways of women may fall for the plots and subterfuges of his most devoted and loyal admirer. When a woman can control a man’s decisions through lies, false leads, charming guile, and misinformation, she has become the true power behind the relationship’s throne. If a woman who truly needs to be controlled manages to fool the man in this manner, she not only loses respect for him but she’s left feeling empty, sad, and insecure because she cannot count on his control, on his perceptiveness and intelligent ability to see through her ploys. She no longer feels safe.

But none of these outcomes has the potential for as much good as the one that can come from the humbled female simply kneeling before her man, sincerely admitting her mistakes, and asking for his forgiveness.


To prevent such behavior from repeating or to prevent it from happening in the first place, self-knowledge is a humbled female’s greatest weapon. With practice, a woman can become exquisitely aware of when she is doing this sort of manipulation and how she is doing it. As soon as she notices it, it is best for her to honestly admit the behavior to the man who controls her. After begging his forgiveness, she can humbly ask her man for help in fixing this problem and with his help, she can figure out ways in which she can act that are more conscious and straightforward. Further, she can graciously and obediently accept discipline for her transgression, even if it is harsh and unexpected, knowing that the remembered unpleasantness will help her to avoid these acts in the future. Going forward, a humbled female can try hard to stay aware of and on top of her tendency to engage in any subversive behavior. She won’t assume that because she confessed to it once that it will never happen again. Instead, she’ll recognize that female nature is flawed in certain areas and always be on the lookout for recurrences of this behavior.

Deception of any sort toward the man she has sworn to obey is a very serious problem for a humbled female. It can indicate a great many things: that she doesn’t trust him; that she feels, however minor, some disrespect for his abilities to know her, own her, and control her; that she’s still testing him; or that she is unable or unwilling to get a grip on automatic, habitual, and destructive female behavior. Deception can be deadly to any relationship and if it is engaged in by a supposedly obedient female with the intent of turning the tables on her superior, it twists that relationship into a travesty and a lie. What started out as a heavenly way of existing becomes a living hell for the female who tries to assume the role of the puppet master. It is, as I’m sure many of you will concede after deep reflection, not a role worth taking up or continuing in the least.

November 14, 2012

One No More

By Nina E.

“If love was a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?”
—Lady Tuptim

The curtain opens on a classic scene from a movie. It might be The King and I or something similar. The scene occurs in a lush, luxurious harem where a Western woman is speaking with the Asian first wife of the king. The first wife lives in this harem with dozens of other girls, many of whom are much younger and more beautiful than she. The first wife and mother of the heir to the throne is trying to to explain to the strangely independent Western visitor what her life is like. She wraps her story in a metaphor:

Once upon a time there was a mighty oak tree and nearby grew a tiny sapling. The tiny sapling loved the large oak tree and basked in its attention. It grew taller and stronger, contemplating the mighty oak and taking comfort in its benevolent attention. But, as time passed, many more saplings sprouted between the first little tree and the mighty oak. They, too, grew tall and strong and eventually the first sapling could no longer see her beloved oak. There were too many other trees between her and him. Likewise, the oak no longer saw her, as he was focused on the newer saplings closer to him. The little tree grew increasingly sad and lonely.

This is obviously a Western romantic-love interpretation of what was once a common Eastern and mid-Eastern living situation: a large harem of wives and concubines. Unrealistic as it was, this scene pulled on every monogamous heartstring in the theater because the first wife’s obvious suffering was what we would expect to feel in similar circumstances. Likewise, the thought of being a part of a smaller, modern-day harem often fills a submissive woman’s heart full of dread and sorrow. She will not ever be his one and only, nor even necessarily his favorite girl—other women will get his attention how, when, and where he wishes. There will be times when he will not be available to her, no matter how strongly she feels she needs him. She may wonder how he can possibly care for her and another woman (or more) equally. While this is the lot of many a genuine and devoted female servant—to live a life totally dedicated and faithful to the man she worships but never to experience total fidelity or monogamy back, to always be one of several female interests—the fears described above usually dissolve under the rule of a wise male who has chosen his humbled females wisely, too.

What does being one of several actually feel like for the humbled female? I believe I can answer this question, as I am one of several. To keep the narrative consistent, I will describe this experience in the third person, but feel free to think of the depictions below as my own experiences or very closely related to them.

First and foremost, being one of several means the humbled female must accept the idea that she will not be the only woman in the life of the man she loves. This is a huge hurdle for most women raised in this day and age as we are still brought up with the traditional idea that the man we fall in love with is “ours,” that he “belongs” to us in some fashion and that even if he is our master, we own him every bit as much as he owns us. The typical female ego needs to believe that a man she is involved with is indebted to her, couldn’t bear to live without her, in fact. When she encounters a truly independent man who doesn’t respond to her personal erotic control, she will sometimes be shocked, but more times than not simply disbelieving. “I’ll cure him in time,” she thinks to herself. “He’ll realize sooner or later that he can’t live without me.” This is her ego speaking: this is self-love founded on the soft ground of insecurity but many deluded women call this ultimate selfishness and self-regard, “True Love.” They are, in a sense, right. They have “True Love” all right. But only for themselves.

Such an attitude, obviously, is entirely at odds with the concept of belonging to a man, being his loyal female servant and even property to do with as he wishes, but many a submissive woman tries to fit these two conflicting ideas in her head together and often without much foresight. Somehow, magically, she will belong to the man of her dreams and he will, equally magically, want nobody else but her. Because a lot of men are raised with the concept of monogamy, a humbled female has some possibility of attracting or being attracted to a monogamous man, but such men often aren’t the ones the humbled female is drawn to. She is drawn to a stronger, sterner type—a man who knows his own mind and does as he wishes, a man with balls who will not compromise his basic principles to please a mere woman, no matter how special she is to him, a man who cannot be pussywhipped. She cannot be with such a man and also expect to run things her way. That is a crucial principle of obedience and humility that all humbled females learn, although if the the female is one of several from the beginning, she most likely learns it more quickly.

After overcoming their primary fears and insecurities, the women of a harem-minded man may have to give up certain ideas and expectations about what coexisting with other females under his rule will be like or should be like, even if these ideas are quite positive. The harem situation will be whatever the dominant male wants it to be, not what any of its members imagines or desires it to be. Sometimes other females may live with him and sometimes they might not. He may go to see them or bring them to his house for extended visits. He might want them all separated by distance or keep them all together under one roof. A female may become a close friend or associate of another of his females or she may not. She may be required to bear his children or he may assign that role to another of his girls.

If a dominant man truly controls his females and not the other way around, none of them, no matter what their seniority or their charms, will be able to direct the household organization, set their own status in his house, or determine whether certain girls are accepted into it or not.

She may be encouraged to be beautiful and feminine at all times, even transformed with surgery and other extensive beauty treatments into an ideal love doll or she may be required simply for menial labor. She may be a female he proudly takes out on his arm to parties or events to show off or one, perhaps equally beautiful, that he insists remain secluded and isolated in the home, scrubbing the tub while he is out on the town with one or two of his other girls. There is often a keen wisdom attached to this seeming arbitrariness. The male may recognize that his Cinderella-like tub scrubber has a natural masochistic need to be made the least of his girls, to be denied most of the stimulation and privileges that they are allowed. He may be doing her a great kindness in forcing her to stay at home and clean while they go out and have a good time. Alternatively, he may do it to teach her a finer lesson in humility.

If a dominant man truly controls his females and not the other way around, none of them, no matter what their seniority or their charms, will be able to direct the household organization, set their own status in his house, or determine whether certain girls are accepted into it or not. That’s a lot to not be in control of for the females concerned, but for a female who craves to serve and submit to a stronger will, that lack of control should greatly relieve her mind: it reassures her that his rule is real and strong. For someone who really needs to be directed by a man, being one of several, painful as it may initially seem, is a condition she can learn to adjust to. She must enter the situation, however, with as few expectations as possible. Being one of several does not necessarily mean she is going to have “sisters” or new best friends forever. It doesn’t mean she’ll have a loving replacement family or an opportunity to compete in a cutthroat fashion for “alpha” or “favorite” role. It is not a situation for her to use to play out acceptance or rejection dramas or air other old emotional baggage within. Instead, it is an opportunity to give up far more in her service to her beloved male than her monogamous counterparts ever face. It offers many wonderful opportunities for selflessness, for sacrifice, and for learning to love these things and the special satisfactions they bring.

A humbled female will likely learn in her experience of being one of several that:

1. Being alone and missing him deeply makes her, at the same time, very happy because she’s overjoyed that he’s having a good time with someone else. It’s interesting how a woman subservient to a man’s every whim can experience two very different feelings at the same time, but it is possible. Poets and mystics throughout the ages have described this experience:

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

—Shakespeare, Sonnet 57

This classic and sometimes over-quoted sonnet contains a profound kernel of truth at its core: it is possible for a slave to be happy, overjoyed even, when thinking about her master’s pleasure and pursuits even if they seem to deprive or hurt her, even when she’s feeling lost, alone, longing, even jealous. Her master’s joy and contentment makes her suffering moot in comparison. She still feels the suffering, of course, but on the ladder of her mental and emotional priorities, it take a far lower rung than his own happiness.

2. Seeing someone else get all or most of the attention, sex, opportunities for service, or even beatings (whichever of these she values or desires) is bearable, even quite tolerable and that she can learn to overcome childish emotional responses of unfairness, insecurity, or jealousy over these things. She is with a strong man and secure in the knowledge that she, too, is valued for her unique contributions to his life and that he is not one of those weak-willed fellows pulled around through life by his member and thus likely to abandon her in order to chase a random lust. If she has chosen wisely, the man that the humbled female adores is made of much sterner stuff and she can relax and be deeply content with her own role and place in her Lord’s realm and not constantly covet others’ roles or the attention he gives to them.

3. She can, for the most part, control her female nature and refrain from creating drama even if she feels very bad. Of course, no female is perfect at this but some learn not only to restrain themselves from the worst of womanly behaviors but even to love being the object of apparent emotional cruelty or rejection for the same reason some others love physical cruelty: because it gives him intense pleasure to treat her that way and she loves to please him. Not all females are born for this sort of masochistic role, of course, but if a humbled female has this particular darkness in her, a strong male will likely see it and may draw it out and she will find secret joys in pleasing him in this fashion. She can feel content in her selflessness and the opportunities it provides her to grow and become a more flexible, loving, useful servant to the man she adores.

4. So many opportunities for personal growth and for becoming a better woman exist within a multi-female household, opportunities that a female will never encounter if she has her dominant male all to herself. This is a wonderful thing for those who value becoming less selfish and better able to serve and please their men. But there is one other aspect of being one of several that provides a personal benefit to the humbled female and is connected to self-interest, not selflessness. It is an observable fact that many dominant men, the men that are the most intense, strong, brilliant, charismatic, and attractive, have multiple girls. They have not committed themselves to a single female. If a submissive female wishes to belong to a truly extraordinary man or even to catch his eye, she must be willing to accept that she will not be the only female in his life.

But if she’s never been part of a harem and if she’s been raised to expect monogamy how does the humbled female get used to this new and possibly frightening situation? Each female approaches this problem in her own way and must find her own answers but to offer a bit of hope, there is a core truth that slowly emerges when a female is firmly devoted to serving a wonderful man. While such a woman must discover this truth inside herself and see her own evidence for it in her daily experiences, it doesn’t hurt to anticipate its arrival. Thinking upon this truth will help a woman in this situation in times that are difficult and stressful, such as when first coming into a household with one or more other women already in place serving the man that she also loves or when faced with his acquisition of a new girl. This core truth is that everything that comes from the dominant man that she loves, every experience she has under his rule, is a gift from him. It may hurt or it may not seem like a gift at the time, but a female should never doubt that it is a gift and that it is what she needs to help achieve her personal, cherished desire to grow into a better and more beloved servant of his: more loyal, more loving, more obedient, more competent in the areas he wishes competence from, more content with her lot in life, and more closely attuned to his desires with every passing day.

This inspiring idea may sound great, but is it really true? Is it actually something a humbled female experiences? To answer that question requires one to look closely at the way most people experience their lives. Encounters and experiences of all sorts mold and change the average person in almost random ways. Unlike the coherent, logical stories of growth we tell ourselves about our pasts, such as “I did X which caused Y to happen which in turn led me to anticipated meeting Z,” we are actually the products of far more random and accidental influences. We are flung in unexpected directions across the billiards table of life, never anticipating those twists, turns, and random accidents of fate that cause us to change course and experience profoundly different outcomes than what we had expected. It is only in retrospect, when the experiences are long past, that we take these unplanned-for events and weave them together into a coherent whole.

To put it another way, we’re not near the corner pocket of life because we managed to valiantly or cleverly roll there; we’re there because of the random movements of other pool balls that knocked us near that corner hole. For most people, their true story, if they could but admit it to themselves, might go something like this experience of a friend of mine:

I thought I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up but instead I majored in political science because I found a college professor my course schedule randomly assigned to me so inspiring. I applied to a lot of grad schools but never got accepted by my top three choices so I settled on the sixth one because it was pretty equal to all the remaining offers, would put me in a new part of the country I hadn’t seen before, and happened to be far away from my parents, an influence I was eager to escape. While getting my graduate degree I thought one night that I was working too hard and decided to go out. I went to a party thrown in a frat house and there I met my husband-to-be. He wasn’t my normal type but he charmed me that evening—perhaps because I was drunk—with a gesture and a clever joke, and that was that. Later, I told myself that I always would have picked him for a mate, as we are so very compatible, but is that really so? Would we have noticed each other that night—or any night—if we both hadn’t been a little drunk and thrown together by random accident?

Notice the pattern in the above? The pattern is that there is no pattern. There is no plan. Things just…happened. That is how most lives happen, if the people living them are but willing to admit it to themselves. Whether or not a humbled female perceives the randomness that is the actual life experience of almost everyone, once she meets and falls in love with or nonetheless comes under the control of a dominant male who decides to take her for his own, once she is knocked into the corner pocket of service to him, the billiards-like randomness of her experience is slowly eliminated through the deliberate and willful addition of new experiences that he determines she should have and the elimination of other experiences that he no longer wants her to have. In the hands of a competent and power-conscious male, her environment becomes much more controlled, much more predictable, much more attributable to a prime cause: his will. In what ways her life is controlled depends on what his plans are for her: how he has decided to use her service to him. She may or may not be told what these plans are. Fully knowing what lies ahead in every detail, however, is no longer important for her. What is essential is that she obey him, even if she feels blind or unsure. This is the path of happiness for somebody whose body, mind, and heart is owned by another. It is the path of the true servant.

The environment, the experiences, the sensory inputs, and the sources of mental stimulation for a service-oriented woman devotedly and obediently serving a strong male can be summed up in one ancient phrase: her daily bread. A dominant male provides his females with their daily bread, with those tasks, requirements, information, stimulation, and other features of experience he has decided are best for them and his projected use for them. At times, there may seem to be very little influence coming from him other than a handful of “house rules” and protocols. At other times, it may mean literal control of all of the female’s senses and experiences for extended periods of time. Even during the times and situations where she seems to have a lot of exposure to randomness or outside influences, times when she feels relatively free, a controlled humbled female can see from how those random influences now affect her that her experience is, to more or less of a degree, being filtered, modulated, and controlled by the male that she serves.

When a man controls a female’s experience to that degree, then everything, in truth, comes from him. The humbled female’s daily bread of experience is controlled and shaped by him, and, like actual bread, these experiences, with their consciously controlled additions and omissions, are nutritious gifts from him. They feed her experience and the attitudes he wishes her to bear in his service. Even the things she perceives as bad (being forced to eat a vegetable she despises, getting a severe belting for disobedience) are gifts, because they shape her body, her heart, and her mind in the ways—sometimes understood by her, sometimes not—that he wants for her.

Being one of several can be one of the most challenging experiences a woman faces due to her prior conditioning and expectations about traditional, monogamous relationships and what she feels entitled to in them.

They make her more pleasing to him. And the more pleasing she is to him, the more likely it is she will be permitted to continue to serve him and bask in his glorious company and iron-hard control. Every experience that the man she serves gives the humbled female is a gift, a most precious gift.

One such gift, obviously, is learning to accept and live with the fact that she is not the only female in his life. Once she really feels this idea in the marrow of her bones then everything becomes so much easier for a humbled female. Being one of several can be one of the most challenging experiences a woman faces due to her prior conditioning and expectations about traditional, monogamous relationships and what she feels entitled to in them. These are ideas that nearly all females absorb from their parents or others around them as they are growing up. It’s hard to counteract these old, poisonous, useless ideas, to not let them color her experiences and cast certain realities (like the fact that he has other girls) in a most negative light.

A good way for a submissive woman to counter all of that old mental and emotional chatter is with a very clear understanding of what she ultimately needs and an idea of what it is she must experience to get there. At core, she needs him, the man that she loves and wishes to obey, obviously. She needs him in her life. Well, right there, this helps put those other things in their proper perspective in relation to her highest aim. These other things, like the presence of other females, become far less important compared to her ultimate goal and some may even become useful tools that help her to become the good, loving, serving female she really wishes to be. A few strong, positive truths can help a loving woman keep on course, keep working toward realizing her true nature. When she is aware that everything that comes from the special man in her life is a gift, then she is utilizing a powerful insight, an insight that will help her to turn away from her own selfish desires and turn toward that amazing beacon of light and hope that is the male who owns her…and bask in his marvelous, masculine warmth.

Yes, being one of several can be hard, perhaps even for a woman like the first wife of the king who is used to the idea of being one of several. But even harder is living without him, no? So why not make the very best of the situation: use it, as you can use any difficult life experience: to learn, to grow, to become a more ideal servant to a very deserving man. Love may very well be “exquisite pain,” but despite that, isn’t the grandeur of this experience the very thing that makes a woman’s life worth living?

July 19, 2012

The Virtue Of Silence

By Jessica M.


silenceTo me, the old saying “Silence is Golden” has a special meaning. When I hear that phrase, I picture a beautiful glistening golden apple stuffed firmly into the open mouth of a girl, like myself, who talks too much! I am often required in my relationship to wear this apple. By doing so, I have learned a lot and become better at submitting and pleasing. You see, nothing but good has ever come from my curbing my tongue.

Do you have a problem with speaking too much? Or maybe the question should be: how do you know if you do this or not? Well, are you female? Then join the club! Seriously, if you answered “Yes” to the second question, the answer to the first (with some exceptions) is most likely Yes, too. We women are communicators. We love to talk and are often very good at it. But sometimes we can fall into a habit of speaking too much and then it becomes a vice, no matter how skillfully we may speak.

How do you speak to your dominant male? Do you tell him everything? Every little detail in your life? Are you constantly chatting with him in person, texting him, emailing him, telling him all the boring little things that are significant to you because they happen to you but mean nothing to other people? Do you initiate most conversations with him? Do you still ask huge piles of questions despite the fact that you are beyond the early question-and-answer phase of the relationship? Do you get mad when he doesn’t answer all your questions or seems to ignore some very important points you have made? Do you ever feel resentment over his seeming disinterest or lack of communication?

I ask these questions because that is how I used to feel about the man in my life. I fully admit it, I LOVE to talk. And he wants to know about me, so he listens carefully to me…the first man in my life to ever do that! But I found I was taking advantage of his good nature and willingness to listen. The more he listened, the more important I felt I and my issues were, and the more important I felt they were, the more I talked. It was a vicious cycle in which I considered my communications (every single one!) of prime importance and great value. Only golden nuggets fell from my tongue. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the more I talked, the less I listened to my Sir or even wanted to listen to him. It took a shocking incident to wake me up to what I was doing.

I have been living with this wonderful male in my life (I’ll refer to him as S.) for the last three years. Mostly, it has been a very happy three years. But something happened not too long after we started living together that, at the time, shocked me and deeply hurt my feelings. Later, however, I considered it one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned in my life. He told me, very bluntly and abruptly, that I was a chatterbox, that I was annoying him with my constant speech, and that I would need to learn to talk less. I was quite taken aback by his tone and also very ashamed.

Here’s how it happened. We had gone on a drive to the mountains. I was excited and happy to be on this trip and I had talked the ENTIRE time in the car.

Instead of behaving like the good submissive female I like to think that I am, I’d been one of those people I hate when I encounter them at parties and clubs: a self-centered bore, who can only speak about themselves.

I told him stories from my past, asked him questions about my role in his life (then sometimes interrupted his answers with my own responses!), commented on the scenery, on other drivers, and generally (I thought) tried to entertain him. A few times he tried to break in and say something but I ignored him and spoke louder and faster, continuing with the subjects that interested me. I didn’t see this as rude; to me I was just “finishing a thought.” Each time I did this he fell silent and let me keep speaking. I didn’t think anything of it at the time…I was just gratified to be able to keep on speaking about what interested me or what I thought he “needed” to hear.

Later, after we checked into our cabin and had dinner, he built a fire and we both sat in front of it, gazing at the flames. For the first time that day, I was quiet. I felt happy, I’d had a chance to say everything on my mind and I was certain that what I had to say had entertained and, yes, “enlightened” my Sir. We had both fallen silent. “May I speak now?” he asked suddenly, into that silence. He asked this softly but with a menacing tone. “Um, of course, Sir!” I said, feeling obedient and happy to hear what he had to say. That’s when he laid out my bad behavior for me to see. It felt like he was dissecting me on a surgical tray. He pointed out in great detail that each time he had tried to interrupt my nonstop dialog in the car, I had overridden him. He asked me, “What sort of behavior is this? Is this how a good, obedient girl who adores her Sir and hangs on his every word behaves?” He continued to rake me over the coals like this for quite a while, and the more he spoke, the more mortified I felt. I saw my egotistical and self-absorbed behavior. After my slightly knee-jerk resistance to his words, I started to cry. I saw how I had been oblivious to him and to what he wanted of me.

My constant talking on this trip and at many other times with him was all about me: my concerns, my issues, my opinions, my perceptions, and each one I regarded as this precious pearl, something deeply valuable that I was giving him. It never occurred to me that with my constant talk all I might have been giving him was a headache! I felt so ashamed that night. Instead of behaving like the good submissive female I like to think that I am, I’d been one of those people I hate when I encounter them at parties and clubs: a self-centered bore, who only talks about themselves. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole that night. What was wrong with me? Where had my interest in Him gone? Where had my awe of him, my respect, my love of listening to his wisdom gone? When had I substituted telling him things he “needed” to hear for listening to his wisdom and hanging on his every word?

S. and I have continued to discuss this issue since that eye-opening night by the fire. He has forgiven me for my self-centered blabbermouth ways but insisted I start to change my behavior around him to a more respectful form. In particular I’ve had to become more sensitive to him, to hearing and seeing HIM, not hearing or seeing myself as reflected in him. He is not my captive audience there to gratify my need to speak. He is my Sir and the love of my life. I think I’ve learned a few things about silence and submission since that time and I’d like to share some of these with other girls, because I know that, being female, we all love to talk, particularly about ourselves. While this may not be an important issue for most women, a woman who desires to humble herself before a man she loves and admires may find her constant desire to communicate works against that goal, actually. In fact, she may find, as I did, that this need to constantly speak is her worst enemy. Here are some points about speaking and silence that I’ve been trying to absorb since that night at the cabin:

Is it hard to realize how much you talk until someone points it out?

Even if it feels terrible, don’t bite their heads off for doing so because they are actually doing you a favor! I didn’t notice how much I dominated the conversations I had with S., until he pointed it out. To me it felt like filling a void. He was silent, so I should speak. I even prided myself that this self-centered behavior was obedient and useful. I had no idea of what an annoying person I was becoming. Thank God S. gave me a heads up and showed me how I looked through his eyes.

You don’t own your master or sir, he owns you.

What I mean by this point is that he is not there for my convenience and gratification. I am there for his, because I serve him and not the other way around. And I can’t be there for him if I’m so self-absorbed that I make everything about me. A woman who talks or texts constantly and without letup about herself thinks it’s all about her. She has forgotten that she is there in the relationship to give her man pleasure and benefits. He isn’t there to serve her need for an appreciative audience!

When you finally shut up and just listen to your man, you learn many useful things.

But when all I do is talk obsessively I learn nothing. In fact, I am, deep inside, putting myself in the role of the “teacher,” the one with all the answers, the one who should always be speaking. What a frightful arrogance that is for any woman, but particularly for a woman who considers herself obedient and modest. When you fall silent, when you leave pauses in the conversation or write short emails that are about him or ask him questions, you give him a chance to speak of the things that he finds interesting and important.

In silence, you can remember why you serve and you can recover, as I did, your awe of his wisdom and love for his communications.

My Sir, when he desires, fills those pauses, those empty spots, but often only if I leave them for him. I am often surprised by what he tells me in these times. I have been quite surprised by what I didn’t know about S.—and may never have known if I’d continued in my non-stop train-wreck style of speech. In silence, you can remember why you serve and you can recover, as I did, your awe of his wisdom and love for his communications.

Men, in general, do not like to spend their lives listening to a non-stop talking woman or have constant conversations with one.

Women love to communicate with words. Men are a little different. They use other means to communicate besides talking or they enjoy just being themselves and doing stuff, not constantly analyzing and gossiping about petty nonsense. It makes sense to me that a woman who respects her man will use his style of communication, which is often “less is more.”

We can talk too much online.

Initially, when S. was teaching me how to control my constant desire to tell him every little detail about myself, he told me to use online socializing as an outlet, to pour out what I think might be unnecessary to tell him on Facebook, Fetlife, Twitter, and places like that. So I poured. And poured. And poured. Stuff about me rained out of my mouth and onto the virtual pages of these networks. Perhaps you can guess what happened next. I got obsessed with “pouring.” I started to live every spare moment I had online, responding to people, posting interesting (I thought) things that would get them to respond back to me, lapping up all the attention for being an online socialite. I was very well liked, had hundreds of friends, and people (mostly women but also a few chatty men) who responded to me as much as I responded to them.

I think that online relating is a good temporary Band-Aid for a woman who talks too much. It channels that avalanche of speech in another direction and often gives her man a much-needed breather! But in the long run it may encourage her tendency to be self-centered, which I think is at the heart of talking too much. Later, when S. began to wean me off such places, I found it REALLY hard to be denied my social network fix. But as I started to talk less in those places, I began to notice how much everybody else (well, the women, anyway) constantly talked about themselves or their ideas, but never really listened to others, except in the most shallow of ways designed only to get someone to pay more attention to them. I saw myself in their behavior. I had been acting in exactly the same way.

“Transparency” can be used as an excuse for boring our men to death.

Based on my own experience, I conclude it’s very easy to become obsessed with yourself as a submissive or a slave. Initially our sirs want to know all about us. They need that knowledge in order to control us. And they need this information to be good data, not false or selective facts. So transparency is encouraged to combat the desire to be secretive about the things we don’t want him to know. But with me sometimes transparency got confused with telling him every little thing I thought of as soon as I thought of it. It became a tool of my ego to get more attention. I was very guilty of this in the beginning because S. encouraged me to talk openly and not hide anything from him, no matter how far out it was, no matter how much I wanted to hide it. But I took it too far because I made no distinction between what he needed to know and what I wanted to tell him. To me, these two very different things were one and the same! It nearly reached the point where I thought that forgetting to tell him I’d had a bowel movement that day was “non-transparent!” Definitely a case of TMI.

When you talk or write too much you may not realize it is a problem. The best way to realize how much you do it is to stop it, completely, for a while.

My Sir has given me practices to do at various times to help me become aware of my tendency to over-talk. I’d like to describe a few of these.

Sometimes I have a day where I may not speak unless spoken to. He always chooses a day when he’s going to be physically present the whole time and he tells me I can signal him for permission to speak…but only if it is absolutely urgent and cannot wait. During those days he’ll check on me, he’ll ask me questions or he’ll say something then add, “you may speak” to the end, but I am required to keep my responses short and modest. Also, I don’t respond at all if not given permission.

Or we may have a “doggy speech” day: I can say one “arf” for yes and two “arfs” for no, and that is it. For the entire day! Again, I have a signal I can use if it’s a dire emergency or something that will really hurt him not to know at that time: I can turn my back to him and (blush) “wag my tail.”

At still other times he has randomly (he never warns me when he is going to do this) ordered me to stay offline for one or more days. I can still read, but I cannot respond to others or initiate conversations with them. I may be in the middle of an engrossing conversation in emails, too. Too bad. I cannot speak, even to tell others that I’m going to be missing for a few days.

There are more such exercises. (S. is very creative!) There are two points to doing them, he’s said: one is for me to practice self-restraint and learn to control my speech. The other is for me to observe how I feel when I am denied speech: to watch how my ego squirms and wiggles, trying to find some way to express itself, to get others to pay attention to me.

Talking too much is deeply disrespectful.

I know I mentioned this before, but this one is SO important. I think someone may have mentioned it in the forums here, too. It’s a sign that your ego is very “unaligned” with his, that you consider yourself and your interests, obsessions, fears, worries, ideas, whatever, far more important than him and his communications. This is the primary lesson S. has taught me: that when I am constantly blabbing away, whether to him or others but especially to him, I am usually not paying enough attention to him and what he wants. It is only by falling silent (for longer than a few seconds, that is!) that I start to think about what he wants, wonder what he is thinking, and desire to learn more about him.

Friendly chit-chat can quickly turn into bitchy, negative speech that is very ugly in a female who claims to be humbled.

Often I did this sort of speech with the people I considered my enemies, like strangers online who said something I didn’t like, who insulted me or my Sir, or who just said something I thought was really stupid. It is so easy for females to become nagging bitches or sly, bitter antagonists of anybody else that they consider “the enemy.” The bigger your ego gets, the more likely you are to do this, and you may not even notice the extent that you apply your words, like razor blades.

S. has given me “exercises” in this area as well. When I’ve complained bitterly to him about how dumb something written online was, he sometimes orders me to write the poster a supportive, positive response to it, even if he agrees it is dumb and wrong! He reads these responses before I post them and if he senses any hint of negativity, sarcasm, or my ego trying to score points in any other way, I am punished and then have to write a new response. We don’t do this one often, but it is one of the most interesting and hard exercises he’s had me do. It’s been interesting because it’s taught me to look at an issue from another perspective, to really be in that person’s shoes, no matter how much you hate being there. It is useful to be able to see something from another person’s point of view. But, to be honest, I really hate doing this. Sometimes the points of view he tells me to support are so… words escape me!  And since they have, I think it is more than time I end this essay! (smiles and puts golden apple back in its proper place)

Learning to curb your tongue is a life-long process.

S. just read my essay and ordered me to add one more point. Some women might think when they read this piece that I have “arrived,” that I know how to speak less and am super skilled at controlling my tongue. Unfortunately, the urge to over speak never seems to fully go away, at least in me, and I think that controlling my speech is a life-long process and not something I will ever have perfect control over. When I wrote this, for example, he was away on a business trip. It was just for a couple of days, but I missed him deeply. Although I have learned a lot about speaking less and making my words count when I do speak, I still forget at times, particularly when I am anxious, hyper, or experiencing some other distracting emotion. So yesterday, I wrote him dozens of emails. Literally, dozens. Most were short, but a few were longer. Most were trivial: they were about the things I was doing for him while he was away and asking him questions about them, but as I re-read them this morning, I saw that many were unnecessary. He had been responding to every single one, so I guess I felt that was giving me permission to bug him even more and with ever-more trivial things. Ahem.

Here’s an example: it was very hot over the weekend and His condo home became dangerously overheated, despite the fact that the air conditioning was working fine. It just wasn’t strong enough to combat the heat. I told S. about this in one of my many emails. He ordered me not to bake or broil in the oven as that seemed to contribute to the really bad overheating. So I avoided that but couldn’t resist asking him in email if I could pan-fry some chicken for five minutes. Sometimes it’s important to ask your sir clarifying questions about something that is important, but this was a silly one that a little thought on my own could have solved. He knows I use the stove top to heat water for tea or soup. He had not forbidden my use of it during the heat wave. So using it for a few minutes to pan-fry chicken was probably not something I needed to ask him. But not only did I ask him but I felt anxious and flustered when he didn’t respond immediately with directions about this trivial issue. Upon reflection, I believe this was my ego again, hard at work trying to get more and ever more attention and feeling frustrated when its ploy failed. I have noticed that when S. gives me more attention than usual, I seem to want even more. It’s like an unending hunger! That is why I think that, for a woman, learning to curb the tongue is an ongoing endeavor—once which will never be “complete” in her life so long as she can make words.

October 24, 2011

Beastly Beauty

By Nina E.

What do people dream about in the secrecy of their hearts? I suppose “It depends” is the closest we can get to an answer. An individual’s dreams and desires will be influenced by things like upbringing and education, experience, age, sex, and other demographics, current circumstances, media influence, advertising and similar brainwashing, and also by whatever mysterious pieces of the persona puzzle that are entirely their own. As you narrow down this question by grouping people, you’re able to generalize—a little. Take men, for instance. Men dream of many things: winning, controlling, gaining respect, becoming rich, making sure their genetic line is carried on, but often, until perhaps they are very old, their fondest dreams revolve around having sex with or acquiring women—not just ordinary women, but beautiful, hot women.

This underlying yearning never fully leaves a virile man, I suspect, no matter how sophisticated and wise he becomes, because it’s influenced by genes and powerful hormones that cause him to desire spreading his seed to as many reproductively fit females as is possible. “Fit” is, of course, a moving target in a cultured or (some would say) decadent society in which the most basic survival needs are easily met. A wild garden of fetishes and personal tastes flourishes around us. There is only one common denominator between such divergent tastes: men desire females they find physically appealing. Most men, despite the abundance of fetishes, are more mainstream than not regarding what they consider beautiful.

Women know this about men, of course. It’s one of the first things we females learn when we hit puberty: that beauty gives us a very pronounced advantage over less visually appealing women. That’s why, at that age, we start to make ourselves beautiful for men: so they will want us and give us what we want in return (satisfying emotional relationships, families of our own, a feeling of belonging or security). The power of feminine beauty should not be underestimated, even by those men and women who are experienced and know better. We still fall for it—virtually all of us. When a young and beautiful woman is greatly desired and pursued by many men, she learns one lesson quite well: she is a hot commodity in high demand, and can dictate her own terms to those males who compete for her attention. Recently on a social network, I “friended” such a woman. I was fascinated by the fact she had over 500 “friends,” almost every one a male, but virtually no profile and no activity on the network, just a few pictures of her gorgeous busty self. About once a week, she comes online and adds more friends, usually about twenty. She must have close to a thousand contacts by now.  What does she dream about in the secrecy of her heart? I have no way of knowing. “She” might also be a “he” just having some fun, but if she is the young woman I see in the photos, it’s almost impossible to think that she doesn’t believe she will find what she wants due to the fact that her beauty draws men to her like flies. It’s hard to be hot and not also arrogant as hell about that fact. It’s hard not to take for granted that no matter how badly you act, some men will still adore you and fall all over themselves to be around you.

Beautiful young women, sadly, are often arrogant and ugly on the inside. Someone who gets her own way with enough men often resembles a pristine peach, beautiful to view and to smell, but with a secret, rotted core that you only discover when biting into it. Not all beauties are like this, of course, but most seem to be. Increasing numbers have learned to hide their awareness under a veil of false modesty, but the majority tend to believe that no matter who the man is or what his circumstances are, they could “acquire” him with a simple beck. Their pride in their appearance, their vanity and smug sense of superiority—over both plainer women and the men who compete for their favor—is enormous.

It’s hard to be hot and not also arrogant as hell about that fact. It’s hard not to take for granted that no matter how badly you act, some men will still adore you and fall all over themselves to be around you.

What does this have to do with the humbled female? First, let’s look at things from the beauty’s perspective. Due to the way her attractiveness is treated and the way she processes that message (I am superior, fabulous, god’s gift to men), she is at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to humility. Humbleness, modesty, lack of entitlement, and the honest appreciation of male beauty: such concepts probably don’t exist in her mind. She’s likely used to the world revolving around herself, to others worshiping her, and her attraction to “serving” a man is, more often than not, just another way to prove to herself how very marvelous she is: “Look, I am drop dead gorgeous and I can be the very best slave that ever lived.” Instead of penitence, humility, and desire to worship someone greater than herself, service often is, for a beautiful young woman, just another story in which she plays the leading role and everyone else, including her chosen man, gets a bit part. Due to her charms, she’ll be able to convince a great many inexperienced men that she’s the perfect slave, and if one manages to hold on to her, they’ll both sink down into the standard mire: a very conventional couple “playing” at being Master and slave while the slave runs things from the bottom. The more beautiful a woman is, the more likely a typical man will be loath to let her go, and the more he’ll dance to her tune just to keep her with him. In addition to providing hot sex, she also provides him with a tremendous ego boost: he feels better than any other man around him because he’s got the hottest chick. He doesn’t even notice the derision he draws from others for being a slave in turn to her every whim and mood.

What do dominant men—real dominant men—dream about in the secrecy of their hearts? Again, this is not a question that is easily answered. The minds, let alone the hearts of such rare individuals are difficult to fathom, and almost impossible for a submissive female to understand, but I have noticed a few small things. One is that above all else they love control and power over others, but in particular over members of the sex they prefer (if they have a preference). If they are wise and experienced, they understand well how others’ responses to her beauty corrupts and spoils a woman, making her useless as a servant (at least at the moment, when she’s drunk on her own good looks and the power those bring her). They see straight through her false modesty to the vain little girl playing with “slavery” because she wants another feather to add to her cap, not because she has any sincere desire to submit completely to the will of another. In addition to vanity, they see how such women have bought the propaganda about “female equals superior” and how they believe their confused opinions, half-baked skills, and immature emotional sets are truly all the very best females have to offer. They are most certainly attracted by the young woman’s allure, but if her would-be Master is the least bit pragmatic and honest, he understands the slim-to-zero chance of her being anything worth owning over the long run. A beautiful woman, unless she has been completely isolated from everything this culture tells women about their power and “superiority,” will likely be so spoiled inside that she is nearly useless to anyone but herself, and certainly the opposite of what constitutes a good slave in the home. A man who cannot see through the glamour of her physical appearance and glimpse her actual soul: her deepest motivations and dreams, is not a man I would call a Master…he’s a potential tool, and little more than that.

I am not anti-beauty or bitter toward younger women, however much it may sound like it. I just know what it is like, intimately. I wasn’t an ugly duckling in my youth, young adulthood, or even middle adulthood. I frequently experienced that heady and vanity-driven rush of being among the more beautiful women in any gathering I found myself in. (Luckily, I came of age in a time when feminism wasn’t so entrenched so I missed the whole nonsensical “Females Are Great Simply Because They Have Vaginas” propaganda.) I grew used to being told I was the most beautiful woman a given man had ever seen, used to heads turning to watch me when I entered a public space, used to strange men bursting out in song when I entered an elevator with them or serenading me outside my dorm room door for weeks, or doing other things to catch my attention. I also wanted to be a slave to a man back then and I felt despair at ever achieving that dream because so many men responded to me like anything but. I wanted to be taken and used by a powerful man, and all I saw were puppy dogs trying every cute trick in the book they could think of to attract my attention. It was all so much the opposite of what I needed that I almost came to believe my secret fantasies were false and no man of the type I dreamed about at night existed.

I also came to believe the only reason any man would ever find me attractive was due to my looks, not to anything I was, intrinsically.

I also came to believe the only reason any man would ever find me attractive was due to my looks, not to anything I was, intrinsically. If there is any tragic aspect to beauty, it is this: not objectification per se, but a total reduction of your entire human self down to one tiny facet: your physical appearance—and a secret belief that you have nothing else to offer, that anything else you are is fairly unimportant. It is very hard to honestly assess your actual qualities, good and bad, when you’re drunk on your own attractiveness, because that is all you see.

A wise man, if I may be so bold as to speak of such things, understands the effects beauty has on a woman. Her beauty will in fact make it harder for her to pass his censors and suspicions, rather than easier, because it so often goes hand in hand with cluelessness about the giving, selfless emotional reliability of a humbled female. It is very hard for a beauty to believe that anyone could possibly resist her, but if anyone can, it will be a man used to keeping women. In order for a beautiful woman to submit, she needs to learn that her looks, nice as they are, are only the beginning of what she needs to be pleasing. If she doesn’t have the rest of the package or the potential to acquire the attitudes, wisdom, and understanding that accompany genuine submissiveness, her looks are useless and a waste to an authentically dominant man. Sometimes learning that lesson, that there is at least one man out there whom she wants but who is completely able to resist her charms, starts an attractive woman on the path to finding out what attracts those men she is mysteriously drawn to. “Why does he reject me when he has that ugly old hag as his slave? Surely he can’t be satisfied with THAT? What does she have that I don’t have?” If the beautiful brat can ask that last question sincerely, without assuming that the answer is, “Nothing—I am far greater than her in all qualities,” she might be able to learn something useful. Until she realizes that some men really do value other things higher than feminine beauty and that she cannot trump all cards with her looks, the attractive woman, even with submissive potential, is lost in a limbo partially of her own making. Its an insidious place to be in if you really need to serve and worship a man.

I was lucky in my first encounter with enslavement to have met a master who liked me, deeply, without ever seeing a single photo of me for the first four-six weeks after we met online. That early, “no face” correspondence gave me hope that maybe there was something to me besides my face that someone I found deeply attractive could like. I was lucky the second time around, too. While I was in the exact opposite situation: ugly now to the point of hideousness (due to lifestyle as much as aging), my second and last master still liked my basic personality enough to give me a chance. I also talked to him “faceless” for a couple of weeks, and when the time came to show him some images of myself, I felt deep despair. I was sure a man as hot and controlling as him would not be able to bear the sight of someone as ugly as me. But he surprised me: he still found something of value in me despite my ugliness, and gave me a chance. He has dictated that I change my lifestyle and become more attractive for him, and I have loved doing that for him. While I know I’ll never approach one-tenth the beauty I had in my youth, I feel that someday I’ll be passable, rather than something you cringe and want to look away from. At least I’ll be like that for a few years, until age robs me of even that. But unless dementia looms, age won’t be able to rob me of what I know about my abilities to be a good slave for someone.

Desire is a very strange thing. In some situations it can totally blind us. In other situations it is the guide that pulls us inexorably and truthfully along the paths we must follow in order to feel complete. What you dream about in the secrecy of your heart can tell you a lot about yourself as well as how to go about getting what you want. What your dreams cannot tell you, however, is whether this most cherished thing is genuinely worth having. Unless you are wise enough to follow the advice of others (and wise enough to know whose advice to follow and whose to ignore) you cannot know whether your cherished dream is worth obtaining. Instead, you usually must actually obtain your heart’s desire…and then see what happens. Doing this is often costly, most often in time, but you also pay other prices. Those men who have obtained a beautiful woman’s attention are relatively plentiful and can probably tell you whether it was worth the cost or not. After hearing several accounts, you can then make up your own mind. Those who have obtained the complete love and slavish devotion of a woman, although much rarer, can tell you something similar—assuming you can find them. If you do find one, my advice would be to listen to what they have to say, very carefully.

August 7, 2011

The Vitruvian Woman

By Marc Esadrian

basic-female-submission-virtuesMarcus Vitruvius Pollio (80–15 BC) was an artilleryman, writer, architect, and engineer in the age of Roman antiquity. Celebrated as one of Rome’s first published engineers, Virtruvius described how he saw architecture, ideally, as an imitation of things found in nature. Through all his writings, he is most famous for his three laws of architecture in his book, De Architectura, which asserts that a structure must possess three important qualities: firmitas, utilitas, and venustus. In other words, a building must be solid, useful, and beautiful to be of the utmost worth and utility.

It’s no surprise such philosophy is still followed by architects today, though not necessarily all. Certainly, there are exceptions that transgress Marcus Vitruvius’s laws, such as Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater Residence in Pennsylvania. Built partly over a natural waterfall, the home, while aesthetically pleasing, has suffered deep structural flaws since its inception. The visual idea was understandably neat, but the practicality of its deflected concrete projections quickly became a concern during its first stages of construction. Building a concrete structure directly over the water presented a humidity problem as well, particularly in regard to the roofing material, which collected condensation from the mists of falling water below.

The John Hancock Tower in Boston, a sixty-story marvel built by I. M. Pei, might serve as another example of structure sacrificed for the ideal of beauty, and thus, in conflict with Vitruvius’s tenets. It is, perhaps, well known how contemporary architecture idealizes narrow, glass-like structures, but the zealous implementation of such an ideal in this tower became deadly. Its bowed walls, nauseating sway and falling glass panes cost Pei’s firm 175 million dollars to fix and years of delay in completing the building.

There are many prevailing examples of sound architectural structures, of course, some of them ancient. The Pantheon in Rome, intended as a temple of all gods, continues to be used today in a state of perfect preservation for worship. The Kukulcán Mayan temple, El Castillo on the site of Chichén Itzá, with its 365 steps, still stands today as an exemplar of Mayan ingenuity, design, and comprehension of time. The Château de Versailles, Louis XIV’s masterpiece (also known as Palace of Versailles), was an opulent home for French nobility during the seventeenth century. Visitors can now tour its many intrigues, such as the Hall of Mirrors and its many beautifully manicured courtyards and gardens. Built from 1506 to 1626, St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City is the largest church in the world. This gargantuan building’s celebrated dome was designed and built by Michelangelo himself.

She must have the heart of a willing slave—the spirit of a woman who truly yields her mind, body and spirit to the strength and guidance of the man who leads her. Only then can she be said to possess firmitas.

Modern marvels abound, too. The structural and decorative latticework of steel beams making up Herzog & de Meuron’s Beijing’s National Stadium, otherwise known as “the nest,” is a visual and structural wonder to behold. The elegance and beauty of Durrat Al Bahrain’s urban designs in the blue waters of the Bahraini seas makes it the most unique and striking island city in the world. The Shard in London towers above the surrounding historic architecture as an elegant and striking vision of the future, offering 40-mile views of the skyline at its dagger peak.

There are, of course, many more structures the modern world has to offer—far too many to mention—that heed the three basic principles Vitruvius put forth centuries ago. They are a testament to the wisdom of forming things with sound planning, purpose, and form.

When considering the laws of architecture and the natural appeal organic curves have to the human aesthetic, we can easily see why the beauty of women has inspired more than one visionary (Brazilian architect Oscar Niemeyer, for example), but what of the woman, the source of that inspiration, herself? Can a parallel be found with Vitruvius’s standards in measuring her quality and worth—particularly in her submission—as it relates to the strength of her disposition, the validity of her service, and her outward aesthetic qualities? Let us consider the three standards, to find philosophic parallels with Vitruvius’s laws of architecture within the submissive woman herself.

Photo by Marc Esadrian

First, a woman must be of sound mind and body before undertaking the demanding role of submission to the man in her life. In this regard, a skeleton of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is worth review. For the most basic physiological functions, she must have food, water, sleep and shelter. Above this, she must have safety and good health. Further still, a sense of purpose and belonging, and enough confidence to see her usefulness in order to offer it. Finally and most importantly, comes the notion of self-actualization in her submission, the process of knowing it is the right path for her to make peace with herself. This tip of the pyramid, so to speak, is the most crucial in her service to him and where most of the qualities of firmitas will be found, as it speaks to her disposition and understanding of submission. Is she unshakable in her desire to serve? Does she embrace the path of submission to the man she loves, free of unexamined doubt or desire? Does she find a deep fulfillment in serving, or is it merely a means to another end? Will her foundation stand the test of ongoing service to her Master? Is she capable of reliably plying her feminine ego toward finding sole approval and validation in the pleasure of her master?

For her servitude to be strong and dependable, it must be felt and offered with sincere conviction, motivated not only by the external (the master), but the internal (a drive to serve and please that reaches to her innermost core). She must have the heart of a willing slave—the spirit of a woman who truly yields her mind, body and spirit to the strength and guidance of the man who leads her. Only then can she be said to possess firmitas.

Photo by Marc Esadrian

What worth does submission have if it does not provide function and commodity to enrich and improve the life of the one served? What real service lies only in a sensual veneer? The humbled female does not complacently offer her sexual charms with the notion these alone will suffice; she prostrates physically—and metaphysically—before her man, relinquishing her flesh and attuning her mind for his ultimate use and possession, and she does so with consuming desire. She knows submission isn’t merely erecting delicate staging with a pretty facade for surface pleasures. Just as it would be inadequate to build a structure with no discernible purpose, so too is a woman’s servitude meaningless if it stands as little more than sensual affectation.

Giving of her body for pleasure and breeding, tending to daily responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning the household and earning income (if allowed), when given unconditionally for the sole use and advantage of her Master, are the marks of a real and tangible benefit to submission.

Photo by Fotoro

The beauty of the feminine has been celebrated, honed and sought after since time out of mind, and the reason is obvious: female beauty is, naturally, a great source of pleasure to males. From a purely biological perspective, the woman’s body is a testament to the harmony of functionality and form: her body is designed to attract and entice, thus fulfilling her reproductive purpose. The mating imperative alone naturally entices women to embrace their visual appeal in order to attract mates. While humans make use of physical attractiveness (and sexuality in general) for a host of other purposes in society, sex appeal’s primary purpose is plain enough to see. Since giving pleasure is a great part of submission, it only makes sense for women to pay attention to their bodies, to care for them and shape them to be pleasing to the eyes of those they would serve.

That aside, the question in regards to servitude still remains: is beauty really all that important? Regardless of aesthetics, a woman is, of course, still a good servant if her conviction and loyalty is strong and her service remains fruitful. These first two principles, strength and utility, are easy to see as valuable. Beauty, however, may be considered to be of lesser importance, but just as architecture does not stop with the foundation and plumbing, so too should the woman value her outer appearance.  Her aesthetic lends elegance and pleasure to the former qualities, and thus enhances her service. A woman who abandons care of her body abandons the delight her natural beauty brings; it behooves her to guard and maintain it, so as to enrich her service, overall.

We have looked at three qualities in a woman that allow her submission to stand the test of time and trial in service. First, she must be strong. This isn’t merely a matter of physical health, but of resolve, accountability and actualization in the fulfillment submission brings to her. Second, she must bring advantage and commodity in her service; there is no value in a facade of submission—an ephemeral gift that only serves the giver. If her service adds to the pleasure and gain of the one she serves, it is more than sensual affectation. Third, she must compliment these good traits with her physical aesthetic so as to make herself pleasing to the eye.

Considering how easily Vitruvius’s laws can be paralleled to three of the most vital components in a woman’s service, it would seem his standards make a generally good and easy to remember philosophic guide by which to judge not only physical structures, but the intangible qualities of ideal servitude. While there is much more to discuss in terms of the depth of quality submission, strength of conviction, usefulness of service and beauty of form certainly cover the most vital parts.

Note about the art: the Vitruvian Man, from which this art is derived, correlates ideal human proportions, not only with geometry, but with the workings of the Universe itself. It represents Vitruvius’s “Canon of Proportions,” and was drawn by Leonardo da Vinci, circa 1487.