May 26, 2018

Anger: The Fire Inside

By Nina E.

Photo by Marc Esadrian

Maya, a childless woman in her late 20s, hopes to become Richard’s slave one day. She and Richard met online and have had a couple of wonderful visits, but they live miles apart and for now the relationship is mostly conducted remotely. This is her first experience with enslavement. It’s frustrating and hard to live apart from one’s master, but Maya feels it is worth it, and understands that merging their lives together will take time.

Richard, 34, is very strict with her, despite the fact that they do not yet live together, and, under his rule, Maya performs a great many duties and tasks she never had to do before. Instead of letting her apartment go for days or weeks until she feels in the mood for cleaning, she must keep it spotless: clean up the kitchen after every meal and wash the dishes; vacuum, dust, and clean the bathroom once a week; throw out trash on a daily basis; and so on. She is also required to watch her weight, exercise five times a week, not drink nearly as much as she used to, and perform numerous odd jobs for him that sometimes cause her to miss her former free time and recreations. Everything in her life has changed and, most recently, she has been required to reduce her spending and send a part of her income to Richard every month. She is no longer allowed to spend money on clothes, makeup, wine or cocktails, entertainment, or other non-essentials without permission—she must run these all by Richard first. Even though she knows this discipline and cutting back is for her own good and preparing her for the rigors of slavery, a small secret part of her has begun to feel resentful of Richard, to think of him as the enemy, the person who denies her all pleasures and good times, while he gets to have “all the fun.” This isn’t entirely true, and she knows this. He allows her small and regular indulgences. And he is very self-disciplined in the way he treats himself. But she still feels resentful. She has started to compare her far-more restricted life to that of her friends and coworkers and feels she is coming up short.

Maya doesn’t mention any of this resentment to Richard. She takes pride in being an ideal slave and, under a pseudonym, regularly boasts about her pristine behavior on kinky social networks. She has quite a stake in being “the perfect slave.” Thus, she ignores the rumblings under the surface, the building resentment, the growing unease with “being treated unfairly.” Although ignored by her, these feelings grow stronger and, without her realizing it, they start to show themselves in subtle ways. For example, when she sends part of her pay to Richard every month, she is required to express mail cash to him on the day the paycheck arrives. At first she kept to this schedule perfectly. But for the last two months, she’s ended up sending the money a few days late, and this month she didn’t even send it by overnight express mail, but instead chose a less expensive (and longer) mail service. When Richard asks her, “Where’s the check?” she lies: “I don’t know, Sir. I put it in the mail at the appropriate time. Maybe the post office lost it.” When he gets the package several days later, and sees it wasn’t sent overnight, he again asks her what happened. She pretends ignorance, claiming she accidentally chose the wrong service. When he tells her he doesn’t believe her, she explodes. She starts crying and angrily asks him, “How can you not believe me? Have I ever lied to you before?” She does this even though she knows that right this moment she is busily lying to him.

What Richard does next, in response to Maya’s increasing carelessness and her dishonesty about it, may set the tone of the relationship for years to come. If he handles it correctly, he’ll either have a better slave as a result or she’ll be cut loose—a loss, to be true—but better than the alternative: an untrustworthy and deceitful subordinate. If he doesn’t handle this situation correctly, he’ll likely doom himself to several years of living hell with a woman who resents him, feels he is wrong and unfair, and feels justified in lying to him and secretly defying his authority at the drop of a hat. If, at this late stage, he calls her on any of this, he’ll face increasingly more anger, more crying fits, more attempts to get him to conform and not do or be what a master naturally does and is. Whether Richard can handle this situation successfully depends a lot on what he knows about anger and what he knows about slaves.

 

Anger’s Role in a Slave’s Life

Where does anger come from? Why do we feel it? Why, especially, do submissive women, even slaves, feel it toward the ones they love the most, the ones they claim to be deeply dedicated to serving and pleasing? There are many psychological theories floating around about anger’s roots, its meaning, and its general role in ordinary human lives. There are numerous philosophical and religious points of view about it, as well. But what will be discussed here is something much more specific: anger’s place and role in the life of a slave. What is that place and role? Perhaps a diagram would help illustrate this:

That’s right. Anger has zero, none, no place and no role in the life of a slave when it is directed toward her master. It may be useful for other purposes. It can be applied to outside objects in much the way a tool or a weapon can be taken off the shelf and used when needed, but it has as much place in a relationship with the man who controls a woman’s life, actions, sustenance, and happiness as an active chainsaw does in a chamber music recital.

This may initially strike some as a closed-minded and narrow view. It’s only human and natural to express anger, isn’t it? And isn’t it particularly hard for slaves, who give up so much, not to feel frustrated at times? Well, most people also think that the idea of a woman irrevocably giving up her own life to serve another person represents a closed-minded and narrow view: it’s only human and natural to be free, isn’t it? But, quite clearly, some of us thrive in that narrowness and restriction and would think others wrong for characterizing our choice this way or denying us the right to live a life without freedom, if that is what we wish. A narrow perspective is not necessarily an incorrect perspective, especially when the context for the point of view is experienced and understood. Nor does a narrow perspective always equal an impossible-to-meet perspective.

There are paths out of that dark, rotting jungle of excited, self-righteous rage that some people spend much of their waking time in. Consistent anger is a habit, a learned response that once got the person who feels it something good. And now it’s become a robotic strategy…

Yet this idea may still strike others as an impossible view. “How can a slave living intimately with her master not get angry with him upon occasion? It’s not natural that she wouldn’t lose it at times given all she endures for him. This requires someone who is perfect, inhuman!” Endures? Really? If slavery were largely endurance of something deeply unpleasant or repellent, practically nobody would consensually elect to experience it—and I would strongly question the emotional stability and motivations of those who did. But even if we take out that unfortunate choice of words, I don’t think this objection holds water. I have never felt anger toward my Master and I am very human and a far cry from perfect. I’ve known him for over three years. If losing my temper was going to happen, it surely would have happened by now, wouldn’t it? And no, he doesn’t have me terrified of every little move I make. If he did, how could I possibly write articles like this? I’d be far too fearful to express any creative opinions at all if I lived under a reign of terror. There is no terror to freely express myself happening here—but there is also not a sign, not a hint, of anger. Why? We’ll get into the reasons below.

Some readers may imagine that I am lying about my lack of anger. I must be experiencing some sort of profound inhibition, repressing my feelings, or otherwise fooling myself. Those women who are particularly prone to deep anger and are secretly ashamed of it will be most uncomfortable with the idea that somebody else, particularly someone who seems to be in a situation similar to their own, doesn’t feel it at all, let alone feel it violently and uncontrollably wash over her. For the sake of their own equilibrium, such women may need to imagine that someone who claims what I do is representing herself falsely or, at very least, is deeply confused. But I’m not claiming innocence of the emotion. I understand anger very well. I experienced mountains of it in a prior enslavement and certainly got the “Screeching Bitch From Hell” T-shirt. I know exactly what uncontrollable rage feels like. But I do not feel it anymore.

There are paths out of that dark, rotting jungle of excited, self-righteous rage that some people spend much of their waking time in. Consistent anger is a habit, a learned response that once got the person who feels it something good. Months or years later, it’s become a robotic strategy, something one does because it still feels vaguely good, even if its returns are increasingly diminished and even if the anger sabotages one’s hopes and goals. The path out of this emotional quagmire is often not a clear and simple one, as each person needs to approach this in their own way, but it starts out by recognizing and then beginning to listen to one’s conscience. A very angry person knows, deep inside, that venting such emotions is inappropriate, over the top, and, most of all, that it hurts others. She knows, deep inside, that her attitude is wrong and unfair, and that someday she’ll need to stop before she alienates everyone around her, particularly the man she swore to loyally serve and obey. But right now… Well, it’s just so gratifying to vent. Even fun at times. She feels so right, so justified. Surely she cannot, should not, keep all of these important feelings pent up inside! They’re an essential part of her self-expression! And then there’s the sweet little fact that she can get many things she wants very easily by manipulating her man in this way. It can be quite hard to give up the anger racket: it provides so many apparent rewards. But it’s not impossible, particularly when one starts to be sickened by such rewards.

When you are a slave you experience a deeply negative side to anger that a free person doesn’t typically feel. To occasionally rage at someone close to you doesn’t go against any core principles of a standard marriage or other relationship of equals. You might feel guilty over treating another badly but you don’t feel as if you are rebelling against the foundations of your relationship or personal identity when you do so. With consensual slaves, however, it’s a very different story. A slave will generally have a tiny voice of conscience reminding her that not only is anger inappropriate toward her master but this horrific way of behaving is also the antithesis of all of her vows to him and all her best intentions and desires about being a slave. If she starts to listen to that small voice within, she’ll begin to feel remorse. She’ll start to realize that these emotional excesses are harmful and wrong to express toward the one you adore and serve. It feels truly horrible to act so disrespectfully toward the man you swore to love, worship, and obey. A slave may not feel anything is wrong right away, but after her anger recedes, she feels awful: like such a bad person. She’s been defiant, stubborn, hostile, and rude to her beloved master. She feels frustration over being so out of control and unable to react calmly to things. She is horrified at her tendency to just impulsively explode, even though she knows how wrong and inappropriate that is. And, if the anger has happened over and over again, she knows how very difficult it is to control, even when she is aware of it and realizes how wrong it is.

Remorse over bad behavior and horror at being unable to control herself is the place that a slave who really wants to change can start from. Most of us can’t go very far with this on our own, as the best of intentions get swept away in the next wave of habitual anger. But sometimes all it takes is simple recognition to begin to change a negative personality trait. My first master told me that before he had developed control over his anger, he used to habitually rage at people close to him. One day, he heard over the phone the hurt tone in his mother’s voice in response to this rage and he realized he was needlessly causing pain to people he cared most about. Was it really more important to “be right” or to prove with verbal violence that you are right? That was all it took for him. This shameful realization of his bullying behavior was enough to allow him, over time, to bring his anger under complete control. For those of us less in control of ourselves (and most slaves probably fall into this category), it may take something far more, such a severe life change, to bring home to us the point that the anger has to go, particularly if it is something we’ve been taught is good or right, something we should always freely express.

 

My Story

What follows is a story about anger. My own anger. It began during the time of my enslavement to my first master, quite a few years ago. I wasn’t always anger-free. After reaching puberty, before I even knew the word slave, I think I had a slightly higher than normal amount of anger. I felt it on occasion toward the people around me, first toward my family then later toward live-in partners (love interests, in particular). Sometimes I expressed it, if I knew the person well enough to let my hair down around them, and often they got angry back. But many times I didn’t because I was timid and afraid of repercussions.

At times I turned my anger inward and, because I also have low-self-esteem, I believe my first master, who knew more than a little about human psychology, thought the two were related. Because I didn’t express outward anger, I must be turning it inward, toward myself, and that’s why I had such a terrible self-opinion. It makes good psychological sense but, in my case, it wasn’t entirely true. I had (and still have) what others imagine to be a terrible self-opinion because I see myself and my flaws fairly clearly, and I intentionally keep them uppermost in mind so that I can work on them. But my master at that time was my god, a god I listened to closely and eagerly, a god I did not question, and if he said my self-esteem issues were due to repressed anger, that was the end of the story. It was now the truth, my truth.

My first master wanted to fix what he saw as my self-esteem problem and he made a number of changes that felt pretty good but were, in hindsight, the last things I needed. Probably a different sort of person would have responded well to these changes, but I was not that person. He constantly praised me, shored up my ego, and helped me to achieve some external successes so I’d feel better about myself. Under this barrage of well-meant flattery and buildup I began to feel not just good about myself, but like very hot stuff. I began to get arrogant, proud, vain, full of myself, and increasingly, intolerant and contemptuous toward others.

After a couple years of this ego building, he began the next phase: he told me that he wanted me always, without hesitation, to express my anger when I felt it, especially if I felt it toward him. He even offered me his upper arm as my personal punching bag! He told me to hit it with my fist as hard as I wanted to when I was angry. At first, I was horrified at being ordered to do this. A slave shouldn’t be hitting her master! But it was an order and I obeyed. And so began my days as “A Very Angry Woman.” I raked people over the coals online, even friends who admired me. I’d scream at a customer service representative who gave me the slightest runaround on the phone. And, increasingly, I began yelling, screaming, and raging at my master at the slightest provocation. It was as if Pandora’s box had opened and all the evil little demons inside me were flying out and hurting others—and I could not close the lid.

Nor did I want to close that lid. I rather enjoyed being angry. It meant that inside my head I was always right, others were always wrong, and I never had to apologize. My master encouraged this. He not only told me I was right but that I was right to feel anger at all those “incompetent idiots” who seemed to surround me at that time. He still thought that letting out the steam of anger would prevent me from turning it against myself and was the best way to deal with my low self-esteem. (The possibility that low self-esteem might not be such a bad thing for one who aspires to extreme enslavement never came up, alas.) It was worse when I was premenstrual, and both the anger and the PMS got worse as the years passed. It reached a point where I refused to sit down and talk to my master when I was in one of my violent, ugly moods. If he tried to get me to talk when I didn’t want to talk, I’d just scream and scream at the top of my lungs until I shouted him down and he stopped. I’d cover my ears, yelling, “No! No! Shut up! I won’t listen!” We talked about controlling this anger during times when I was calmer, but I couldn’t see how to do it, even when he told me how he did it, long ago, with his own anger. The truth is, I didn’t want to see how. I swam in a world of intense, angry, righteous emotion and oh, it felt so very good!

It reached a point where he decided that PMS must be the problem. He sent me to a doctor who prescribed an antidepressant that was known to have had some success with treating PMS symptoms. It seemed to help a little, but not much. I continued to rage on, at everyone and everything. Even later, when hormones were no longer an excuse for this behavior, I still acted abysmally, screaming and yelling at anyone who got in my way or suggested I might be wrong. I was particularly harsh to my beloved master. It was habitual by then. I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to wean myself from the rush of being right all the time, the rush of crushing all opposition, the great feeling of lashing out at those who had “unjustly wronged me.” At other times I was a pretty good slave: obedient, extremely loyal, not easily disturbed, always present and calmly handling the crises that occurred around my former master’s increasing health issues. But I couldn’t let go of the addictive and now-habitual expression of intense anger.

Derision, disgust, or biting sarcasm can be delivered with the softest and gentlest of tones. Most psychologists seem to agree, however, that expressions of anger are culturally imparted, and therein lies great hope for slaves and deeply submissive women with anger problems: we are not permanently locked in by our natures to a pattern of angry response. If we really want to, we can relearn how to express and even experience anger. Anger doesn’t have to inevitably result in havoc and destruction. In fact, it doesn’t have to appear at all.

Eventually, as my first master became sicker and had more near brushes with death, feelings of terror, horror, and denial replaced rage as my primary emotions. As we struggled to survive amidst rapidly mounting medical bills, almost no income, and his constant health crises, I had little time to indulge in anger, except online with the few friends that stuck with me through this awful time. But I ended up alienating even those brave souls. When my master finally died, I felt as though I had entered the gates of hell. No matter how angry I had become toward him, he had continued to love me back strongly, purely, and unconditionally; he never became angry in response to my outrageous outbursts; and he had tried to protect me and make me happy in so many ways. As humans often do, I recognized this truth about him and our relationship only when it was too late, only when he was gone, only when I had nothing left. Imagine the sun just shuts off. It disappears and the world gets darker and colder with each passing day. That was my emotional landscape. The giant warm sun of his love and care for me, something that had surrounded me for years, was gone—just like that. I had nothing left. Nor could I turn to any friends for support. I tried, but no one would have anything to do with me let alone offer comfort or care though this horrible experience of being cut completely loose from the one who had so deeply controlled my life and gave it meaning and hope.

I wandered through this dark, cold, empty, void, this lonely place of no hope or help, where I felt hated by others and where I hated myself, for many years. I sobbed every day for hours at a time. Something about that experience, of losing his loving presence, profoundly changed me. All my rage, all my fire, burnt out. My life became very narrow. I focused on physical survival. I wished to provide a home for our beloved pet cat until its death, and so I worked, slowly and clumsily, to improve the immediate financial and personal-health ruins I found myself in. I got a few small breaks here and there, just enough to keep my head above water and my body off the streets, and slowly tried to build up from that. My devastation was complete. My self-image, already low, was at its lowest. I reviewed my life with my deceased master frequently and hated myself for the contemptuous, disrespectful and enraged ways I’d treated him. I desired nothing more than to die and follow him, but I felt I had to honor his desire to care for our little pet, so I stayed alive.

Working to survive was good for me: it distracted me somewhat from the emotional pain. My fortunes began to rise a little, I was able to afford semi-regular health care, and my abysmal physical condition improved little by little. Eventually there came whole days and then later weeks when I did not sob for hours. I reached a point where I could listen to music again (before it’d send me into paroxysms of grief) and watch movies again, but I could never listen to or watch anything I’d shared with him. These experiences always had to be new. In my attempts to distract myself, I started making new friends online and also tried to salvage old friendships, although the latter were pretty much a lost cause by then. The rejections were hard to take, but I can’t say I didn’t deserve them.

At a certain stage, I started laughing, then I started thinking about being owned again, and finally I began looking around for a compatible man. I was healing, at last. I had a false start, got taken by an online player and lost a couple of years, but I picked myself up and eventually met my current Master. I had respect for Him from the very start and also a little fear mixed in with immense attraction and love for His honest, complex personality. He had a depth to His personality that I’d never encountered in anyone else and I deeply admired His razor-sharp intelligence and His honorable soul. It’s been several years and none of these feelings toward Him have left me. What hasn’t returned is the anger. It’s nowhere to be found and, after several years of this, I am finding it hard to believe I’ll ever experience it with Him. My raging temper seems so foreign to me now, so alien, as if I were some other person that I no longer fully understand.

 

What’s Behind the Story

One reason I related this long and painful personal history with anger was so that readers wouldn’t need to ask the obvious question: what’s a female who has no experience with anger with her master doing talking to us about anger? As you can see, I do have quite extensive experience with feeling anger at a master, just not with my current Master. I’m certainly not recommending that angry slaves should experience the death of the one whom they love and depend on the most in order to rid themselves of their anger. But I am saying that anger is a terribly hard beast to rein in once it starts to take over, and sometimes it may take an event that that is the equivalent of an emotional earthquake—something that completely changes your perspective on life—to bring it under control. Barring that, there may be a few useful elements in this story that others can take away from it, particularly those who find their anger uncontrollable in the way I once did or those who own an angry slave. I’d like to look next at what some of these things are.

 

Where Does Anger Come From?

In one sense, the reasons for anger don’t really matter. For many of us, discovering the reason for the rage is counterproductive because these reasons can then be used to further justify that anger. What matters more is finding ways to bring that anger, wherever it happens to come from, under control. Still, the old adage, “know thy enemy,” is as true in this case as it is in so many others areas of life and getting a firm grasp on where your slave’s anger (or your own, if you are the slave) is coming from might lead to some methods for dealing effectively with it.

It’s not always possible to find the true reasons for anger. My first master was a brilliant man and well-schooled in psychology, but he never grasped how the anger he ordered me to freely express destroyed my ability to believe I was a slave, let alone a good slave. That horrible rage undermined everything I did, put the lie to every act of obedience, and I lived daily with the belief that I was a fraud, a sham, a pretend slave. I was a good slave in the sense that I obeyed him about expressing my anger, but in the long run this specific act of obedience made me a terrible slave overall to him. This is a contradiction you will sometimes run into with consensual slavery. Sometimes a master, with the best of intentions, will order a slave to do something that is inherently non-slavelike. She strives to obey, she tells herself it’s OK to do this because her master has ordered it, but inside she feels less and less like she is owned by him and more and more like she’s independent or the one steering the ship or even, as I felt, just some vanilla shrew-wife who is totally out of control. Take great care, if you don’t already, with what you order your slave to do. A forced contradiction such as the one I experienced can badly confuse a slave and eventually render her worthless. Had my first master not sickened and died, and had the horror that followed this shattering event not shoved my anger off center stage entirely, I have no doubt it would have worsened until I finally reached a point where I insisted upon my freedom. My master was a deeply patient man who loved me dearly: he would not have given up on me. But I am not nearly as strong. I am certain I would have eventually reached a point of self-righteous blindness so extreme that I would have betrayed everything I’d loved and lived for all of those long years. And then I would have been lost. I would have never been able to trust myself to be a slave again. Since I need to be a slave, that would have been a form of living death. As horrific as my former master’s death was, it may have, in a sense, been a kinder fate to experience than what might have occurred had he lived.

Anger is a natural human response, say virtually all modern psychologists, to experiences of being slighted, denied something, treated shabbily, or threatened. It can be a positive response in some contexts, such as anger at social injustice, because it energizes and motivates those feeling it to try to do something about unfair conditions. But most of the time anger arises in response to one’s ego feeling slighted or not given its due; to having one’s desires thwarted or ignored; to being treated aggressively, mockingly, or condescendingly by someone else; to feeling that someone or something is not being fair or considerate, not giving you what you deserve. A person’s response to anger, while it may be slightly colored by genetics, is definitely something that is learned. Children who grow up in families where anger is out in the open and lots of shouting and other emotional displays go on, tend, as grownups, to act similarly. Those living in families where anger is something colder and more hidden, learn to express it in the same stealthy, passive-aggressive manner their parents did. Maybe there isn’t a lot of shouting in those households, but words, when spoken, tend to strike like poisoned darts to the heart. Derision, disgust, or biting sarcasm can be delivered with the softest and gentlest of tones. Most psychologists seem to agree, however, that expressions of anger are culturally imparted, and therein lies great hope for slaves and deeply submissive women with anger problems: we are not permanently locked in by our natures to a pattern of angry response. If we really want to, we can relearn how to express and even experience anger. Anger doesn’t have to inevitably result in havoc and destruction. In fact, it doesn’t have to appear at all. While not easy, it’s never too late to attempt this sort of sea change as long as we realize that we can change and are willing to do whatever it takes to bring this about.

A slave or someone deeply serious about her submission needs to look at this question from an earlier point in time, I think. She needs to start not at the point of changing one’s behavior during or upon onset of anger toward her master but rather question the source of the anger: Why am I feeling this emotion at all toward my master? When and how did it start? What place has it in my desire to serve him lovingly and always please him? Is the anger I feel paired with a loss of respect for him or his actions? Have I come to feel entitled to certain treatment or attitudes from him and then annoyed when I don’t get them? Am I starting to feel he should respect me as much as I respect him, listen to me as much as I listen to him, even love me as much as I love him? Have I, perhaps without realizing it, come to desire “fairer” treatment, the treatment one would offer an equal or a wife, rather than the treatment he prefers to give to a slave? Do certain things that he says or does grate on my nerves? Why do they bother me? Are these really things I think he must change? Why do I feel he should change to please me rather than freely doing what he wants to do? Is there something else he is doing that I find disturbing? (Sometimes a different, more threatening action, such as one’s master seeing other females, can be the real trigger for anger, but if a slave feels it is not safe or right for a “good slave” to feel anger at such a thing, she may transfer her anger onto something more trivial and safer.)

The above are examples of exploratory questions a woman who is enslaved to a man can start to ask herself to get a grasp on the roots of the anger, to start to figure out where it is coming from. At the beginning of her enslavement it’s unlikely she felt this emotion. Instead, she probably felt deep attraction and respect for her master, awe even, or fear. But sometimes, as time passes and easy patterns become established, as people grow familiar, a slave may become too comfortable with her life, assume too much is her natural due from her master, become bored by her routine, or even get annoyed by what he doesn’t give her. Sloppiness isn’t limited to behavior. A slave can become complacent or sloppy in her thinking or emotions, can grow to expect ever more special treatment from her master, because, well, after all, he knows now how wonderful she is. She’s proven her loyalty and demonstrated many other marvelous and valuable traits. So why shouldn’t he treat her as if he recognized her value in his life? This last line of thinking is very close to transactional or contractual: I will provide something to you as long as you provide me with whatever reward (be it physical, psychological, or emotional) that I think at the time is worth my service to you. While this sort of mercenary trading of favors is extremely common in all other relationships, in one calling itself master and slave, it spells the death of the enslavement and the stage where the “master” and the “slave” are just mouthing words, words that signify a reality that is no longer lived.

Perhaps a slave, without realizing it, becomes angry at something her master does that she knows she must not question or protest, but is nevertheless disturbing. Maybe it is a dawning realization that she’s never going to meet or be a part of his family or even live with him, that’s she’s not going to have his children, that she’s going to be forced to work outside the home and will never experience her 1950s-domestic-bliss household dream that, despite knowing better, she still associates with slavery. The death of such dreams or expectations, if she was unwise enough to harbor them in her heart despite his clear descriptions of what to expect from being his slave, may mean that no matter how well the slave serves him and how pleased he is with that service, it is not enough for her. Perhaps one of the services he demands she perform for him on a regular basis is one she has a great deal of trouble accepting, perhaps it disturbs her on some deep level that she is not even aware of. Then, when she feels anger, she must connect it in her mind to something else, something “safer.” Unraveling the knots that lead to the real sources of anger may require time or experience she does not yet have. Just because you are able to ask a question doesn’t mean you will receive an instant, clear, detailed answer (or understand it, even if you do). A complex human psyche is not an Internet search engine and often a troubled slave must exercise patience in this endeavor and not act rashly or impulsively.

 

How Anger Hides

There is this silly notion that gets bandied about BDSM forums that once you become a slave you are magically perfect and obedient. This false expectation can cause some slaves to hide their anger from their masters and from themselves. They suppress it because they can’t bear the thought that they are so “imperfect” as to feel such an ugly emotion in “the most beautiful of relationships.” This suppression, which they consider good, is actually causing harm, as it is hiding something important from him, and will likely result in the slave exploding in a rage some day. Little signs of discontent, minor grumblings, any time one feels something is “not fair,” need to be brought to the attention of one’s master. But before that natural openness can happen, the master needs to make it clear that this information is encouraged and desired, and that he does not want her to suppress any of her minor gripes. He must insist that she bring those to him no matter how hard it is and even if she knows she will be punished for it. A lot of women, due to a craving for easy, carefree relationships and emotional smoothness (or due to cowardice or shame at having negative feelings in the first place) will not come clean about things like anger, disagreement, worry, or frustration even if encouraged to do so. They try to be “Little Miss Perfect Slave” until one day, out of the blue, they just explode. It takes an astute master with a keen eye, a man capable of seeing beyond himself to notice the small signs a female slave will give away as the inner pressure builds and builds. These signs will mostly be non-verbal: posture, tardiness in obedience or response to him, odd tones of voice, and other little things that he might miss if he is not paying attention or buys into her myth that she is this sweet, calm little angel who never gets angry.

Maybe her anger, whatever its source, is being expressed so passively that she doesn’t even realize it is anger. When we think of passive-aggressiveness, what often comes to mind are individuals who make snide, cutting comments disguised under a thin veneer of politeness. But passive anger isn’t necessarily that obvious. The Wikipedia lists a great number of other forms that passive anger can take. For a slave, this can involve not doing something that she is required to do, such as forgetting to properly address her master in the manner she’s been instructed or not following other attitude protocols; neglecting to give her man information about her thoughts and emotions that he needs in order to control her fully and correctly; not informing him of useful or positive news that may be advantageous for him; not desiring harm for him but not desiring to help him either; apathy toward things that matter to him such as not caring if he fails or succeeds at something important; avoiding him in direct or not-so-direct ways; defeatism toward the tasks he gives her: an inability to see them as an opportunity to stretch and grow but rather as foredoomed failures; finding numerous rational-sounding excuses for why she simply cannot do at this time whatever it is he has told her to do; and so on. A slave with passive anger is in a difficult position: first, she must recognize that she is angry (or accept her master’s word for it that she is). Only then can she explore the causes for that anger.

 

Slave Anger: Common Myths and Theories

Let’s look next at some popular ideas about anger circulating within the BDSM social networks. Does anger in a slave have to be experienced at all toward her master? Should it ever rear its head in such relationships? Most master-slave discussions on generic BDSM sites in which the participants, for all their sadomasochistic posturing and preening, are largely very conventional people, answer these questions with a resounding YES! It’s only natural and human that a slave should get angry at times with her master, in fact the relationship would not be “healthy” if she didn’t. In a thread about anger on a BDSM forum, the descriptions given by slaves of their anger and their reasons for feeling it included things like:

* I threaten to walk if master “pushes” me.

* I don’t raise my voice but we both get furious and silent.

* Well, you’re human and that won’t change. He can learn to let you let your anger run its course. Oh and also, if you come from a family that settles things with anger, it’s OK.

* I have (insert fashionable mental illness du jour) so I have an excuse, but as a compromise to him, when I feel I am losing it I walk away.

* I need to be alone to cool down, I cannot discuss things with him when I’m enraged.

* If I get overly frustrated I use a safe word.

* Slavery tends to strip many women of their basic adult aspects. Because of that, throwing temper tantrums is just fine! It’s to be expected, even.

*Isn’t it disrespecting the man when you decide what he is allowed to have or not have (by controlling your anger)? It just seems strange to me that so many women seem afraid or uncomfortable with “giving” their master their anger.

* If I lose it, I lose it. He’ll deal with it.

* We don’t have the type of dynamic where he puts me back in line. It’s my job to do that.

* Slavery isn’t about being submissive, it’s just about being a slave so I find it weird that all of you think you must be meek and submissive and not show anger. In fact, you aren’t being a slave if you try to control your anger all on your own.

* When you are conditioned to talk in a calm voice by a desire to please or by fear or both you’re lying.

* Those who want to live it as the meek and weak slave with the strong and all powerful master are phonies and less real than we strong slaves who express anger naturally.

* The only way you can talk in a pleasing calm tone of voice when you are upset is if you are “naturally meek.”

* There is no wrong way to release your anger. The implication that there is a wrong way to do these means that people expect the slave to be IN CONTROL.

 

Analysis and Response

The most astonishing thing about these justifications for anger is that they are the types of things that you would expect to hear (and do hear, time and again) from women who have never heard the initials “BDSM” when they talk about their very conventional relationships with their very conventional boyfriends and husbands. There is no acknowledgment in any of these responses that enslavement is in the least bit different from any other sort of romantic relationship. A slave, apparently, owes very little or no respect to her master. Her emotions and, in particular, her sacred right to express them at any time are of utmost importance and sacrosanct: they take priority over everything else, including however her master might feel about this. In Roman times, a female slave with this attitude would have been whipped until she couldn’t move, beheaded, or sold. But in modern times for most “master-slave” couples, even for those who are very vocal in online forums about how “extreme” and “deep” their relationships are, obedience is largely a joke or a pleasant fantasy. The slave isn’t there to please the master, unless it happens to flatter her enormous ego to do so. She’s in it for herself. Those of us who genuinely care about authentic slavery find this sort of cynical, slave-but-not-really conduct and presentation disgusting.

In examining the remarks more closely, you can see that there is certainly a lot of whining, passing the buck, excuse-making, laziness, and re-spinning of anger and a master’s “correct” response to it going on in the above comments. While these are mostly comments made by self-identified “slaves,” one gets the distinct feeling that a lot of these women are actually in fairly normal, equal-partner relationships (even if they don’t call them that). Some may even be engaged in daddy-girl role-play dynamics, which frequently involve a doting, overly permissive “father figure” who lets his spoiled-brat “girl” largely run wild with maybe a little hot spanky at the end of the day. The highly conventional assumption behind most of these remarks is that getting furious at your master is not only unavoidable but completely justified, just as it would be with with a boyfriend or a husband who did not own or control you. A slave should never be expected to control her anger; at best, she can only do behavioral damage control (like speak a safe word or walk away). But some of these so-called “slaves” are claiming they can’t even do that or that it means they are in control of the relationship if they try to exercise even the smallest amount of self-restraint. Given the sneering disregard for the so-called “meek, mild, and submissive” slave, I’d wager the masters of such women have done very little to actively control the extremely ugly twin forces of anger and pride in these females. This is not an atypical response to a possibly hot topic. The same posters, when observed in other contexts, are entirely unrestrained, reactive, destructive little anger ‘bots with no impulse control whatsoever. No actual slave, I would hope, would ever talk this sort of rot or act as spoiled, hateful, and presumptuous as they do online.

The unanimous answer coming from this thread’s comments was that yes, anger is natural in a slave, even anger at her master is perfectly natural and either he must deal with it or she must temporarily leave her condition of slavery and take independent actions, such as isolating herself from him in order to cool down, because that is the only way it can be controlled. The answer coming from Humbled Females, however, is that a vicious, unruly bitch who lives to attack others online and who mouths off to her master, claiming that “it’s his problem” if he doesn’t leave her alone to handle it in the way she decides is best, is no slave whatsoever. This female is not being controlled in the least: her ugly behavior and her “I’m-entitled-to-act-out” attitude tells you everything you need to know about this bitter, haughty, domineering, vindictive, and utterly self-absorbed creature. When I read such remarks, I see the same false, self-justifying philosophy that my former master had me adopt being promoted as the gospel truth. It makes me ashamed all over again at the way I used to be.

I don’t buy the self-serving and lazy idea that anger is something that’s entirely a master’s job to control. It’s his job if he tells you in no uncertain terms it is that, but passing the buck onto him to fix your ugly personality traits, volunteering him for the dirty, hard work of cleaning out your soul’s debris, is not only self-serving and indolent, but impossible. Soul-cleansing does not come from without, you don’t get baptized or swallow a holy wafer or don an eternity collar and suddenly all your mean, lazy, ugly, controlling little ways fly off on angel’s wings. Change comes from within, always. You’ve got to want to change and then, to make any of that desire worthwhile and not a self-flattering lie, you’ve got to take the next step, which is to actually change. Nobody can do this for you. There are no free rides here. Anger is something that arises from within a slave and while her master can train her, teach her relaxation techniques, help her realize the sources of her anger, and discipline her when she transgresses, she must, ultimately, do the hard work of changing herself. She is the only one who can change her desire to indulge in this ugly emotion in the first place. She is the one who must alter a false and self-serving belief that it is her god-given right to explode all over the one you love and respect the most, that this is “only natural.”

To do this involves both changing her expression of anger and neutering the causes for that anger. With some slaves, the primary source of anger can be fear: fear of not getting something she needs, fear of being hurt, fear of trying to do something that is hard. All of these fears are common in those who lack control over their lives or are experiencing control being taken away. It’s easier and far more comfortable for many people to transform such a fear into anger and make the master the evil villian who “causes” the anger: how dare he whip me so hard? How dare he deny me dinner tonight? How dare he order me to sell half my possessions at a yard sale? How dare he take another woman on an exotic vacation and leave me home alone? When feeling anger, you don’t have to experience the terror and concern for the future that a complete lack of control can bring into your life. Habitual anger may bring a little comfort to a woman who probably shouldn’t have declared herself a slave in the first place.

Ideally, someone shouldn’t consider becoming a slave if they have such huge problems with giving up basic areas of control. But if a female, however ill-prepared, insists she must be a slave and if she later experiences fear-turned-to-anger because she can’t deal with the realities of slavery, then, while it becomes incumbent upon her master to insist that she change and perhaps even guide her along the path to change, she is going to have to do most of the hard, tedious work of actually changing herself. She’s got to be motivated enough to want to get a grip on her anger and deal honestly with its sources, however scary that might be. If this fails, she may demonize her master in her mind if he is strong or secretly hate him in her heart if he is weak enough to capitulate to her angry demands. If either of these outcomes occur, you’ll get a relationship that is anything but master-slave.

Sometimes there is just no right way to handle a slave’s anger. If she’s too addicted to it, too wedded to always being right, she’s undergoing a mild form of insanity. She’s disconnected from reality. In such a case, a master may just have to cut his losses.

 

Entitlement to Anger?

Let’s return to the original question one more time: despite what the lowest common denominator in the BDSM forums say, is anger an emotion a slave is “entitled” to feel in her enslavement? Is it ever appropriate when directed toward one’s master? If the person I used to be during my first enslavement were reading this article, I am sure she would scream angrily at the stupid writer that “YES! Anger is absolutely necessary for a slave to feel healthy, safe, unrepressed, transparent around her master and, even more importantly, it’s a sign of obedience and respect to give a master that anger and let him do with it what he will!” She would then continue her long diatribe against this article with a scathing (and what she would have thought of as cleverly detailed) critique of all of its major points, pointing out in angry, insulting, and utterly enraged phrasing exactly why the writer was wrong in everything she wrote. It’s a good thing that “me” is no longer around to read my own articles! My Master doesn’t have hours for me to spare in deconstructing thoughtless, overly emotional brain-sewage like that, no matter how easy it actually is to do so (and it is quite easy to do when you’ve been on the other side and know all of their arguments before they manage to think them up). But plenty of others just as obnoxious and habitually furious, addicted to feeling right and vindicated, are now there to take my former self’s place, and they’re spouting the same old “anger is great for you and even makes you regular!” nonsense that I used to believe, once upon a time.

What such pseudo-psychological justifications for atrocious behavior in anybody, let alone a slave, never seem to take into account, however, is that slavery is not all about your perceived “precious” mental health. It is not a resort spa you go to, not a therapy-service you purchase in order to better your mind, cleanse your emotions, or elevate your oh-so-sacred soul. In fact, it’s not about you at all: slavery is (or should be, if it is actual slavery and not something far softer masquerading as that) all about your master: his mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being or betterment. Not yours. Whether or not you are maintained as well (although most slaves are so that, at very least, they may serve their masters well) is entirely his business, and not something you should expect or demand. You may have the most compassionate and rational master in the world, but as a slave, a real slave, you have no right to good treatment or, even more, to the care that such treatment implies. If you get good treatment, you should consider it a great gift and be thankful that you managed to wind up with an owner who maintains his property. If you accept the basic tenant of slavery: that this is, in fact, all about him and not all about you then a lot of the righteous anger that you might otherwise feel has nothing to hook itself onto, no offense or slight to one’s ego to get incensed about, nothing to get insulted over, no wrong that he needs to “be sorry for.” You know, in the core of your heart, that a slave truly deserves NOTHING from her master: no payment, no pats on the back, no rewards or treats for good behavior, no reprieve from pain, hard work, or even heartache, if that be his will for you. A slave exists to obey her master. There may be other things she exists for, but they come far behind this prime directive.

A slave to a genuine master (and by that I do not one of those common fellows who talks a big talk online, does a few brutal, semi-impressive things, then lies back and lets the slave dominate herself), a slave who really feels her slavery, who knows she is there before her master only at his sufferance and that his attitude toward her could change at any moment, does not have the spare time or energy to think of all the ways her master isn’t treating her the way she deserves to be treated. She wanted to be a slave, really wanted enslavement (not the romantic ideal, the real deal) with all her heart. She wasn’t just pretending she wanted this when what she really expected (as so many egotistical pseudo-slaves expect) was a romantic joyride with a relatively well-off man who will then support her in a life of loafing, indolence, and pleasure spiced with a little hanky-spanky. Therefore, she is not surprised in the least when she is treated like an actual slave. She does not feel angry because nothing in the small, specific, and very special world she now lives in excites her anger. She accepts all that comes from him, the perceived bad as well as the good. She often sees, if not in the moment then not too much later, how the seemingly bad things that happen to her actually help her and improve her. How can a person who knows in her genes that everything that comes from her master is right and just ever become angry with him? How can someone who has fully and joyfully accepted her slavery and her role as his instrument without a will independent of his believe that anything he does to her (or doesn’t do to her) is offensive, insulting, harmful, or hurtful? It’s all him, everything comes from him, everything she does is done for him, and that makes it good, sacred even. She reduces her ego to the bare minimum so that his will becomes all that she sees. Where is there any room for anger in that state?

The person who only pays lip-service to this reality is the sort of slave who will get angry at her master because she secretly expects more than what she is getting. She thinks she deserves a certain level of fair or kind treatment, that he owes her something, particularly since she mouths such pretty words about how totally surrendered to his will she is. A woman who gets angry at her master may be someone who, perhaps due to her master’s leniency, is allowed too much familiarity with him. Anger is a clear sign of disrespect—something that, ideally, a slave should never feel toward her master. Honestly accepting all her master is without expecting anything except mastery and control in return requires a slave develop the ability to let go of a great many things, no matter how precious these are or once were to her. She has to let go of all expectations, for example, because she is no longer free to act in the world in ways that fulfill them. She has to openly and passively accept what comes her way, do what she’s ordered to do, submit to his discipline, even please him only in the ways that he allows her to, without question, without rancor, without resentment, boredom, impatience, or desire for something else. Letting go of all one’s desires for “something else” besides slavery is a difficult and perhaps never-ending struggle for a slave, but it is the only sane direction in which to move, as attachment to the things in this world, no matter what they are, no matter how wonderful or necessary they seem, are going to lead to expectations and disappointment when those expectations are not met. It may be a master’s responsibility, however, particularly with someone new to slavery, to guide her to this level of deep and devoted understanding. She may very well not glimpse the intimate depths of slavery when she starts out, she might view it more as some sort of romantic game in which she is the star of the show. If she really has potential to be enslaved, that false, self-centered fantasy can slowly be dissolved and replaced with the far more profound reality that you, the master, are all that really matters. But if she’s lying to herself and to her master about what she really desires, then trying to condition her into being a better slave will only make her personality worse, her resistance stronger, her outrage and sense of unfairness more strident.

 

Service: Entitlement’s Opposite

If you don’t expect anything, then every day is a wonderful surprise and the things that occur in one’s day are relished. A well-disciplined slave is given the opportunity to live in the moment, to experience the never-ending now with openness and acceptance, no matter what it might bring. A receptive, non-grasping, and non-manipulative mindset frees her from most desires, cravings, and even boredom as all she need do or desire is to please her master–and when she is doing that, all is well with her world. When she has no desires, when she gives up her grasping, survival-focused self, she can just be, receptive and perceiving the world. She no longer needs expectations, and when there are no expectations, they cannot be thwarted or frustrated. Disappointment become rare. Not extinct, as nobody is perfectly one way all the time, but all the usual fires that motivate most people–desire, greed, need, insecurity, grasping for more, ambition, competitiveness, even survival fears–die way down. Let’s say she gets chewed out and punished for forgetting to close the bathroom door after she exited it. So what? A trained slave doesn’t expect such a misdeed to be “kindly” overlooked. She knew her master wanted that door always kept closed, she knew that she forgot, and she knows that being punished for not doing so will teach her to remember next time. She experiences the punishment, and, in the moment, it may hurt horribly or wound her feelings or sense of herself as good and obedient, but then it’s over. She feels no resentment, she has no hurt feelings that now must be catered to by him. Instead, she does what a grownup does: she tries to learn from this event and move on. In the eternal now of enslavement this is not a major event to get upset over or resent, no matter how the whip cuts her skin as a needed reminder. It’s also not an excuse to wallow in guilt and self-recrimination (the self-indulgent and often-addictive stick that drives many a “good” woman–but, sadly, if she’s addicted to the stick, she’s often not addicted enough to you). A punishment is just an experience with her master and the only thing required is that she process punishment in the way he desires her to so that she can learn how to be a better slave to him.

 

So Who’s to Blame?

The idea of slavery is so deceptively simple: one person commands and the other obeys. Is it the woman’s fault if she becomes frustrated, resentful, and later loses it and dumps all over her master? Is she a failure, is she temperamentally just not meant to be a slave? Or is the problem that her man did not control her fully to begin with, did not make his expectations clear, did not nip these smaller forms of disrespect and disobedience in the bud? The answer, I think, is that neither is true, if the anger is a one-time or rare occurrence. It can be fixed at that point, with discipline, firmness on his side, a pressing desire to please on hers, and conversation between the two that leads to understanding and mental realignment. If a pattern of regular angry expression has developed, however, it suggests both individuals do not understand this type of relationship and maybe neither really wants it. In particular, the master who is too nice or who loves his slave too much, will find himself confronting problems like this far more often than a man who does not involve his heart in his relations with his servants. A “nice” master will be lenient far too often toward the one he loves and this will make her bolder and more likely to transgress further than if he had no difficulty with punishing her. Likewise, a new slave who comes into the relationship with a lot of unrealistic expectations will be more likely to express frustration and irritation in the ways she was used to when free—until she learns better.

What determines slavery or mastery has more to do with how the anger is handled when it comes up, not whether anger occurs or does not occur. For enslavement to be real and not some hot, romantic lie that a pair of bored individuals have grafted onto what would otherwise be a standard relationship, both parties have to want, passionately want, the enslavement to be real. If one or both only halfway want it or only want it when it’s convenient, then, no matter how hard they try at those mutually convenient times, the situation will devolve into a conventional boyfriend-girlfriend, hubby-wifey relationship of relative equals, or, at the very best, be a dom-sub relationship where the submissive party retains considerable powers and veto capability. In my observation, almost nobody wants master-slave relationships to be real. They just want the veneer, the shine, the pride and prestige they associate with calling themselves by these names, the pleasure of thinking of themselves as “extreme,” whatever they actually do in their private lives. In these “lets pretend that we’re not pretending” environments, habitual anger from the female will, undoubtedly, flourish.

 

The Passive Slave Theory: The Lie of “Just Be”

Anger can be like a volcano. There are a lot of rumblings, unseen movement of hot lava, and sometimes steam venting before the “big explosion.” A consensual slave who pulls her own weight and works hard to improve for her master–unlike those indolent females who expect the master to do all the hard controlling and policing of their indulgent selves while they lie back and “just be”—doesn’t let these rumblings under the earth become stronger. She uses an array of clever techniques to cut them off. Or, if they are too powerful to cut off, she strives to rechannel the impulses that cause anger or expose them, when they are still nascent, to her master’s eyes, so that they do not take control of her personality.

What are these impulses? Primarily vanity and sloth, two personality habits that produce the desire for passivity and the belief that the master should fix everything. Weaker and less resolute slaves build a philosophy around these traits (and the anger such attitudes eventually produce): they claim that being vain and lazy are problems for their masters to deal with, not traits they must personally struggle with. All that is required is that they “just be themselves” and their masters will do all the hard work of fixing them. The question that immediately arises from this is who in the world would want such a lazy, passive, woman unwilling to improve for her master? The answer is, alas, that many men who have bought into the romantic Pygmalion ideal that they must work hard to turn their passive-object slaves into the masterpieces they crave, will accept such flawed goods rather than requiring that the slave be of a mind to work hard to improve. After all, she “cannot help herself,” she just “is what she is” and if he wants to be around her he needs to either “live with that fact” or “fix her himself.”

Vanity and sloth lead to anger because behind each attitude involves entitlement: the vain woman feels she deserves special treatment because she is naturally so very wonderful just being herself. The slothful woman feels like she deserves to take it easy, that slavery should always be fun, that she shouldn’t have to obey if it upsets her or requires too much work or the performance of duties when she is not in the mood to work. Neither female has the strength to bear the scolding and insults that a genuine master will heap upon her for these ugly traits, so they seek out weak males who are easy to control and then make them think that they are the masters while the female secretly runs the show.

 

The Master’s Role

An inexperienced master or one who has adopted unrealistic theories about slaves because such ideas comfort him, can, without meaning to, make anger worse in a slave. If he believes that anger is natural and necessary, even if it is directed toward himself, then it is likely he will receive it.

Some masters do instill a proper respect and/or fear for themselves in the slave from the outset. But sometimes a master is a lonely man who wants too badly to be his slave’s best friend or romantic hero. He is too soft, too teddy-bearish, very much a daddy but far too little of a disciplinarian. If he needs to feel this way toward a woman, that’s fine, but, for honesty’s sake, he should probably stop calling her a slave and expecting a girl who is pampered and spoiled, whose bad behavior is frequently overlooked or forgiven without punishment, who is told she is perfect and wonderful even when she is being a total bitch, to obey him or desire to please him in any way. It’s important to establish alpha status in a girl’s eyes early, when you are first exploring together. Make the psychological price for disrespect/ignoring orders/forgetting duties and rules high. Express your disapproval, early, often, and strongly. Make sure she clearly understands what she did wrong, and then, no matter how intelligent or otherwise understanding she seems about it all, discipline her for it in a memorable way at an appropriate time. It’s equally important to praise her when she does well: when she’s acting, thinking or feeling according to your desires for her.

Sometimes a slave loses perspective. She forgets what is most important in her life: serving and pleasing her master. She starts to think about serving and pleasing herself more, and when her master expects her to act like a slave, she becomes enraged when her selfish desires are thwarted. If discipline and correction start early in a relationship this doesn’t come up often. If she has other reminders, such as positive mantras that tell her who she is and why she is doing what she is doing, she is less likely to forget that she belongs to you and that her purpose is to humbly serve you. Keeping a consensual slave in this focused state of mind is not hard if practices, ideas, and desire for it are instilled early. She must, of course, also want to be enslaved from the start—the deeper her passion for this, the better slave she will make.

If, for some reason, a master ignores all of his slave’s minor bad behavior (which sometimes is an attempt to control the direction of the relationship, sometimes a test to see how he’ll respond), than he should expect to have a huge discipline problem on his hands later on, probably within a year or two. This problem is very hard to fix at this late stage because the pattern of the relationship has been set. The slave is used to getting away with murder, and if her master tries suddenly to change that, she’s probably going to explode in outrage at him and throw every reason in the book at him for why he’s suddenly, with his attempt to be a real master, “doing it all wrong.” The actual reason, of course, is that this is different from her expectations: you didn’t demand this before so you have no right to demand it now. Fixed expectations and patterned behavior are very hard to change. It’s almost impossible with some slaves to reverse the mental and emotional damage done to their desire to obey and please, a desire that has been ignored for so long in favor of good-guy over-permissiveness. Typically, such midstream course changes or attempts to right things at far too late a point in the relationship result in its implosion. It’s often easier, not to mention saner, to start from scratch with a fresh mind and attitude than correct someone who expects you to be a certain way and to allow her to do certain things, and now feels deeply resentful toward you for taking these things away from her.

 

Anger Is Power

It’s inevitable that anger in a master-slave relationship will involve power. It is possible that the slave’s anger, if strong enough and not quashed, might usurp the master’s power. Sometimes a slave will gain power over her master by expressing a violent and unpleasant emotion (or even by just threatening to express it). While the anger may begin innocently as a non-manipulative explosion or a loss of self-control, it can quickly turn into a way of maintaining control over the master, if his response to her demonstrates that he is emotionally vulnerable to it. The female then becomes his harsh judge, his critic expressing disapproval over the way she is being treated and the way he is running things in general. She is constantly dissatisfied with his mastery, constantly asking him to change things to be more to her liking (although she will call this by other names, such as “manning up” or “being a real dominant.”) If he doesn’t see this power usurpation for what it is, he may respond with hurt feelings, question himself, try to make things better for her, even follow his slave’s advice on how to be a better master. A man twisted around his “slave’s” little finger in this way is no longer a master, if he ever were one. Making oneself the judge of another during a bout of anger is an indirect way of usurping psychological control. Men who want to be masters need to be on the lookout for this common female behavior, and control it when it happens. She may not realize what she is doing or how unslavelike it is. If a slave genuinely wants to submit deeply, she will feel shame, horror, and remorse over such behavior. A weaker woman, in contrast, one who only imagines she’s a slave, will deeply resent a man who points out any of her behavioral or character flaws. She will argue back at him (perhaps in her gentle humble-sounding slave voice, but very firmly and without backing down) about how wrong he is about her and try to turn the tables with a guilt trip: how mean or ignorant he is to point out that she is imperfect and that she is faltering when she tries so very hard for to be such a good slave. How intolerant of him! Fall for that guilt trip and all is lost. She’s had you, and she’ll quickly move forward to secure her power base, often unconsciously, without even realizing what a power-grabbing manipulator she is.

 

Conclusion

Like all fires, anger burns, anger hurts, anger destroys that which is good, and can bring down in a few minutes all that you have worked hard to build over many years. This is even more so when a slave feels anger at her master. Anger, not the slave, not the master, is the real enemy here, but such anger can only be brought under control and demolished if both individuals are willing to work vigorously and unrelentingly to do so. If a slave secretly wants to hold onto her righteous anger or if a soft master secretly wants to let her “freely express” herself, they will only encourage that inner fire to burn hotter, bolder. Eventually, it will leap up in a conflagration that utterly destroys the sacred and peaceful grove of their connecting bond. This particular fire within needs to be dowsed at all costs, even if it means total dampening or even destruction of other parts of a slave’s personality.

If a woman insists that she needs to be “Miss Free to Be Whatever I Want to Be,” she has no business whatsoever trying to be a slave. For a genuinely consensual, willing slave, what matters most is obedience to her master’s will and satisfying his desires, no matter what the cost to herself. This sacrifice (if you can call it that) is what enlivens her, gives her reason to live. If a master, on the other hand, is not willing to do what it takes to make this willing soul conform to his desires and commands, if he’s always ready to let her off the hook, forgive her without punishment or correction, believe her excuses for every transgression, he, too, has no business being a master. Both attitudes corrupt the power dynamic in the relationship, poison it with apparent cuddly softness, permission, and complacent, sleepy normalcy. Both invite evils like anger to enter in by the back door and take up residence in the relationship. If you are not yet a master or a slave, try to consider carefully whether you want to do a halfway job at it and perhaps end up doing nothing at all except perpetuate another conventional, ordinary relationship or whether you have the courage to live within your master or slave role to such depths that it becomes you—and you become it. This isn’t just for yourself: consider that someone may be counting on you to do this for them, to live up to your end of a most sacred bargain.


November 17, 2017

The Ten Biggest Mistakes Women Make 
When They Want to Serve a Man

By Nina E. and Marc Esadrian

Not so long ago, we published an article about a lost cause: an egotistical schemer of a woman who is blind to her own faults and imagines herself to be the most exemplary servant of love who ever lived, when she is actually a pestilence to any man who decides to try showing her what grace in submission is. That article, “How to be a Bad Slave,” should not be confused with this one which, although its descriptions of female behavior may sound bad, is not one-tenth as horrific as the depictions of that paragon of deception described in the former. If the female in that other article could be described as committing felony after felony, we’d have to say that, in comparison, what follows here are misdemeanors. That is not to say that there are no overlaps between the two articles. Often bad slaves start in bad ways. Sometimes there is an assumption, a miscalculation, an oversight, or a hidden personality flaw described in what follows that becomes the point of origin for something much worse in the relationship later on down the road.

Below are ten of the most common pathways to deceit and self-sabotage women walk when attempting to show submission to men, particularly with the intent to serve as slaves. This list comes from years of empirical experience in dealing with such women from the perspectives of a master who has dealt with various personalities approaching him over the past twenty years and a slave who has served for even longer, watched other females stumble in courting dominant men, and done some stumbling herself from time to time.

1

A common mistake women who approach dominant men make is to claim to want to deeply serve and submit, when they are actually after something completely different. That “something” could be money or material things. It could be a ploy for marriage and security or something as shallow as prestige. It may be a little inaccurate to classify this behavior as a mistake (except perhaps a mistake of judgement) because this type of female often does this intentionally, though she’ll never admit it. Due to her cynicism, limited experience, and lack of real desire to submit, she cannot imagine that anybody actually serves another person completely out of their own free will and for no other reason than the sheer joy of giving pleasure to someone they adore. She just knows it’s a game—and she wants to play along so she can get some of the goodies she imagines others are getting.

So she comes to a master with some degree of pretense, maybe claiming she wants to contribute to his endeavors, collaborate with him or learn from him, and then, if he accepts the offered bait and they get to know each other, she suddenly claims an intense desire to serve him fully: he’s into that “master” thing (wink-wink) so she can better get her claws into him by pretending to be his type of girl. A dominant man who is quite familiar with how submissive women normally act will sense an incongruence between her behavior and her words. For all her wonderful talk, she may strike him as unusually aggressive or self-focused. He might notice that she’s more interested in hearing herself speak than listening to him. At this stage, if he is experienced, he’ll perform a simple test or two to try to flush her out: simple tests that a true-blue submissive female would pass with flying colors.

What does a man do when he suspects he may have been targeted by a con woman? He may start by asking her questions about what she likes or is willing to accept in submission, but many such females talk a good game and, if he is foolish enough to rely on her words alone, she will seem to score A’s on each verbal test. A more astute man will make her put her money where her mouth is—sometimes literally. He may, for instance, make the outrageous and unheard of demand that she start tithing him a monthly amount of cash. She may then try to fall back to her earlier position of contributing to his work or efforts and getting paid for it, or at least explaining in half a dozen convincing ways why she can’t, shouldn’t (and won’t) pay him, but if he’s got sense, he won’t be believing any of that now. Feeling bitter and frustrated, she may then claim the moral high ground and accuse him of having no ethics—when what is really going on is that the sheep she was hoping to so easily fleece is now deliberately suggesting she be fleeced.

Perhaps, if he senses her secret desire is for monogamy, he’ll insist she meet his other slaves and serve him together with them for an evening. Instead of being the new star of the show, she is treated as what she actually is at this point: a third-rate runner-up for his attention, a risk and potential liability and thus, the lowest girl on the totem pole. A woman who wants to be a genuine slave will not only tolerate this but will thrill to it. She’ll think it perfectly right that she is the lowest person in the harem and accept her position with grace and happiness because of the great privilege she’s been given of serving this wonderful man in person–and, of course, because it’s very hot for people like us to be low. A prima donna who wanted to have this man solely to herself will never settle for being a “humiliating” third or even second. There are a lot of ways to flush these pretenders out, but a man has to be patient, wait long enough to figure out what this girl is about, and then determine if she can actually do (as opposed to voluptuously talk about) anything difficult, any real challenge or sacrifice that thwarts or threatens the secret egotism or agenda she may be concealing.

So what advice is there for the woman in this situation? First of all, if she is genuine and the man she wants to serve is honest, she should just be her natural self, with no artifice, no attempts to impress or overwhelm him, and let him figure her out. He’ll determine her worth on his own if he’s as perceptive and confident as she believes him to be. As for the other types, we’re not exactly excited by the prospect of giving advice to congenital liars, pretty sociopaths, and women who otherwise give a bad name to every genuine slave out there (not to mention the more honest whores) but we will offer this rather obvious tidbit: if you’re hustling, make absolutely certain that the man you’re trying to fleece is dumber than you are. If, alas, you are so egotistical that you think you are smarter than anybody you meet, particularly those who are subtle enough to hide their piercing intelligence from a lazy self-flattering eye, you’ll likely find yourself, sooner rather than later, cluelessly trying to hitch a ride on a scorpion you have falsely perfumed with “Eau de Stupido.” Do not be surprised, in this case, when you do not escape his sting.

The sort of woman just described may learn, eventually, what real life and real people are all about through those two great teachers: time and hard knocks. But, if she is too stubborn to change her attitudes or her ways, these potentially wonderful teachers may make her worse, ever more entrenched in her ugly habits of whoring and greedily using up people to secure what she wants, unable to see those numerous lost opportunities and tragic mistakes along the way. One thing is guaranteed: none of us will be young forever. Sometimes time, and lots of it, can turn a person’s life around: cause her to wake up to the horror of what she has  chosen to become and determine to do better. If it doesn’t, if one is too stubborn and convinced of one’s superiority and importance despite how often stupid life decisions result in massive failure, then the only way left is down, and while it may seem like a soft, smooth coast while you’re still at the top, young, healthy, and attractive, in a few decades such people start to scrape and bruise on the rocks: they see the loss of everything they deemed important with nothing of substance to replace their inner emptiness. Don’t be that person.

2

Assuming that submission to a man will always go the way she imagines rather than his way, even though she knows she is entering into a relationship of service in which the man directs everything. This mistake, unlike the intentional hustle described earlier, is usually not meant with a conscious desire to deceive. Instead, it comes from the often unconscious assumption that “everything in life is always about me and should benefit me.” While a female may be unaware of this assumption, that just makes it easier for it to get in the way of successfully serving a man. A woman who entertains a me-centric fantasy about her master and how he will fulfill her every desire or goal can become deeply disappointed or even depressed when things don’t turn out the way she pictured they would. At worst, that disappointment becomes anger and blame: “He’s doing it all wrong” or “He’s intentionally trying to hurt me!” Expecting submission to be exactly how one has always imagined it or it isn’t “right” is very close to dictating the terms of service—and the person who dictates terms is the master, not the slave. The false expectation that everything is going to be hot, sexy, romantic, smooth, and just like she imagined it to be in her wildest dreams can cause a serving female to become angry and resentful when the one she is submitting to and obeying doesn’t conform to her inner script of perfect service (particularly if he’s not serving up the rewards and ego stroking she “deserves” for serving him). He’s just wrong and evil, too contrary, too unbending, too rigid, too unwilling to change (for her), etc. Never mind that she once agreed in a thrilled tremolo while kneeling before him to do absolutely anything he ordered her to. No matter she once was in awe of his superior wisdom and life knowledge. Solemn vows anchored only by shallow emotional thrills often fly out the window when such a woman feels thwarted, outraged, or disappointed that things are not going exactly as she imagined they would. He’s just not doing dominance the right way (her way), so she must either convince him of his cruel incompetence or move on to a more malleable man willing to get with her program and let her serve him in the manner she knows is true and right.

This attitude is something that is often assumed unconsciously, without the female at first being aware that she is doing it. A careful potential master will draw her out in detail about how she views slavery, what she imagines is the “right” way to be dominated or controlled, and then will verbally compare this to his own methods of domination to see if she is flexible enough to loosen her grip on her fixed ideas and simply follow him with devotion and respect. Is her love for this man strong enough to put aside her fantasies about the life she wants to lead? Can she just live an actual life of slavery under his control, following him to the ends of the earth, if needed? Or is this more of a playful sexual obsession for her, fueled by egotistical fantasies in which the master’s own personal feelings and desires barely matter unless they fit her playscript of how things should be? If it becomes clear that a woman is clinging to views of submission and service that are not quite what her master considers service and submission and if, despite this devotion to an ideal rather than to him, she insists she can still serve him in any way he wants, her master may have to push her a little and see if her resolve is just hot air or an actual desire to change for him. A wise man, no matter how attracted he is to the female before him or what potential he sees in her, will consider carefully the results of such tests and, if they are negative, ask himself if he wants to be served by an inflexible, headstrong servant who will constantly push him to do things her way.

A woman who really desires to serve a particular man can help this process along immensely by going into the relationship with as open a mind as she is capable of assuming and without a lot of preconceived ideas of how things are going to be. Often women can find out what preconceived ideas they have about a promising relationship by taking a close look at their fantasies about the man, both sexual and non-sexual. Yes, sometimes these are a bit extreme, but the details don’t matter as much as the overall patterns of relating that are revealed. Such fantasies tell us how we would ideally like the relationship to go. Sometimes these fantasies have been taught to us by a largely vanilla culture. Even if our cultural sources have been popular BDSM (like Fifty Shades of Grey) they are usually at their core quite conventional and promote the cultural ideals most popular at the time they were made. For instance, at this time the most prominent cultural ideal is feminism, and Fifty Shades, at least in the movie versions, is very careful to make the heroine very feminist and independent. While an independent and bratty feminist works for most casual men (including those posing as masters), a genuine master typically despises that type of self-important and self-obsessed know-it-all. He knows they’re not worth the time wasted in attempting to “break” them or somehow earn their respect.

If a woman discovers she has specific expectations as she is getting to know the man she wishes to serve, she should tell him about these immediately and let him prescribe the cure—if he deems one is needed (if her expectations are in sync with his reality, nothing may need to change). If she really admires this man and is determined to serve him well and he is open to hearing from her, then the best thing she can do is to politely and with respect for his time ask specific questions about his ideals and practices, about how things might be, or about what he believes most strongly about controlling and owning women and then listen very carefully to his answers, following up on anything that she finds difficult to accept rather than making the mistake of egotistically brushing potential conflicts off as something her marvelous personality will cause him to change for her or make an exception for. If she honestly wants to adopt his views about things, as most good servants do, then she needs to practice both remaining open-minded and being very honest (but not demanding) with him about the things that she finds disturbing or not as she expected. Doing both often requires a reduction in egotism and self-centeredness. Most women at this time are not only plagued by these awful characteristics, they are trained and encouraged to adopt them at an early age.

3

Arguing intensely with someone she claims to want to serve with her whole heart and soul about how things should be. In this case, an overblown ego is telling the arguer, “My advanced and superior ethics about service are the only right ones and any man who wants me serving him has got to understand that I will serve him the right way. (a.k.a. my way) ” But just who is serving who in such a scenario? The emotional math goes like this: he deeply misunderstands how wonderful and intelligent and worldly she is and his ignoring or rejecting her (right) views on matters is a deep insult. But here’s where the math does not add up: if all of the above is true about her than why isn’t she being served by this “obvious inferior” rather than the other way around? Why is she seeking to serve him if he is so clueless, incompetent, or needful of her wise perception and advice? Why, indeed!

A female whose speech and actions clearly show that she is thinking along these lines usually has a large, uncontrolled ego that desires to bask in frequent stroking and copious admiration from the man she looks up to. This is not at all unusual in the average woman today, as modern society strongly encourages females to assert themselves and polish their egos. Such a woman sometimes takes this self-centeredness to extremes, however: she feels that she is right and must be proven right, no matter what the cost to anyone or anything else, including service to her man and facing the simple truth about the situation. Such a woman has the strong potential to become a conventional nag in the future. Even so, it’s amazing how some men will accept this behavior from supposedly submissive females, which often consists of cracking a demoralizing whip of discontent, disappointment, and criticism constantly over their heads. One must wonder at their motives: is a hot piece of ass or the security of being in a relationship really that hard to get?

It’s quite difficult to provide advice to someone who is already completely convinced she knows best, except to suggest she try to open her mind just a little bit, but unfortunately this type is usually already convinced she has the most open mind of anyone she’s ever met and so nothing needs to change with her. Instead, it’s always someone else’s fault: they’re just too stupid to see her wonderful and wise intentions for what they actually are. A skilled master can sometimes work with such a blinded personality by showing the many situations in which she is wrong or mistaken in her assumptions and point out that this is why a smaller, wiser part of herself wanted to serve someone who is her intellectual and moral superior. This sort of demonstration will work if her ego has not built too large a fortress around her real self. Unfortunately, it’s also human nature to stubbornly dig in deeper when presented with facts that contradict our beliefs, otherwise known as the Backfire Effect. I have seen many women who insist they are slaves but who are incapable of opening up even the tiniest chink in the thick armored walls of their protective egos. They won’t open their minds enough to allow the attempts by their masters to contact their real selves (which, if they are lucky, may still be alive somewhere inside this bristling fortress of insecurity) succeed.

4

Laziness, sloppiness, flakiness and a pattern of excuses for all of the above. “Oh, it’s not important that I do this little thing he told me to do. It’s so minor.” “I don’t have to complete that task, I’m out of time and need to get my nails done.” “I just don’t want to do what he told me to do at this time, so I’ll lie about it and do it later. Since I’m not yet living with him, he’ll never know the difference.” “I’m very busy and stressed right now and I just don’t have the time for what he wants.” These are some of the rationalizations lazy females use to avoid doing the often simple and easy tasks assigned to them by men they claim they want to serve. Laziness is bad, but when combined with inner permission to avoid accountability, it’s highly erosive to any form of authority dynamic. But it can, over time, be corrected by a good master if the female is completely open and honest with him, as she should always be in these types of relationships. She should ask herself: how would she feel if somebody she wanted to serve was always late or frequently stood her up? What if he said they would do something over the weekend but then just mysteriously disappeared for days? What if he claimed he wanted her to live with him, and made extensive plans in that direction, but then out of blue and at the last minute (after she’d given up her current residence) simply told her it couldn’t happen now and never explained why? These scenarios would be the dominant version of laziness, sloppiness, and flakiness. It doesn’t sound very appealing, does it? A dominant man feels no different when a woman constantly lets him down. When she doesn’t do what she is told to do or what she says she will do, however simple and easy it might be, when she doesn’t keep her word, does things shoddily or incompletely, or gets things to him far later than when she promised, if at all, she has drifted into the shiftless abstract of laziness and complacency. If she combines her laziness with dishonesty and lies about the reasons for her incompetence, always having what she imagines is a “good excuse,” she’ll never gain his trust back once he suspects, tests for, and discovers how much she’s been lying to him. Dishonesty that extreme (and unnecessary) destroys this sort of relationship before it even begins.

There are two issues here: one is being an indolent flake who can’t be trusted to do anything she promises and the other is pretending she isn’t that person through lying. The first issue is easy to fix if the lazy female is serving a sane and just man: she just needs to admit what she has been doing wrong, feel genuine remorse for her past behavior, and accept any consequences that fall out from this revelation, whatever they may be. If the man completely cuts her off from him, that is his right, too. In that situation, she should once more express her deep regret at her transgression and then move on. If this sort of response on the man’s part seems unfair, she should try very hard not to provoke the next person she meets with flaky, irresponsible behavior.

The second issue, lying about what she has done, is far more difficult to fix. Lying to someone she claims to serve is a strong betrayal of everything this submissive woman was hoping to build and it’s natural that some men will not want to continue to dominate her once she admits this to them. But it’s still much better to admit it than to continue lying to him, because eventually she will be found out—and the fallout may even be worse then. When she comes clean with something she can still exit honorably at least, knowing she finally did the right thing, even if it was too late, even if it feels like she’s being punished by him. The best thing to do is just accept what happened, understand why it happened, resolve not to make that mistake again with the next man, and move on. But this is easier said than done. The long, hard road toward fixing this error lies in a deep, honest examination of oneself and one’s motives and doing the hard work of real personal improvement that builds character and effectively changes the undertow of defective thinking. This isn’t something that can happen over a matter of minutes or even a couple of days.

5

Intentional Lying. Whoops! She has an STD and he told her he never accepts service with someone who has STDs. We’ll, it’s just a minor STD. It doesn’t kill you. No need to mention it or help prevent him from getting it too. Actually, that would be good, because then she’d have company! Or maybe she’s claimed a lot more for herself than is actually true: claimed to be a talented and accomplished artist or an established writer with a book contract, claimed she’s very wealthy, or that she’s a very experienced submissive who, of course, deeply understands slavery, etc.. Whatever it is, this lie (or lies, if she is compulsive in that area) completely destroys everything she claims to want to build with a dominant man as his trusted, reliable servant. We’re describing some bad things in this article, but lying to her master takes the cake as the worst error a potential servant can make. A great many faults can be forgiven, even faults of extreme ego, but lying is something that is very hard to recover from—whether the female is found out or not. Even a moderately intelligent master will regard the liar who claimed she wanted to serve him just as one would an asp: something dangerous and potentially deadly one should avoid contact with at all costs. With a very intelligent master, she’ll never recover, and given how subtle genuinely intelligent people tend to be, she may never realize that he knew all along she’d lied to him about various things and just let her continue with it, because it interested or benefited him in some way to do so. When a liar doesn’t know she is found out, she tends to get lazy and sloppy with her lies.

One useful strategy to employ when you notice or highly suspect somebody is lying to you is to feign ignorance about what they are doing. That way, you can watch them covertly and they, not having been put on their guard against you, will continue to lie in ways that are more easily discerned as lies. Knowing how someone lies and what they lie about is useful information when dealing with an enemy that is close to you: and a female who is purposefully and willfully lying to you is most definitely your enemy, however fond of her you may be. Be on high alert once you suspect strongly that you are being lied to. A female may lie once, about something very important or frightening to her, and then never again. Or she may lie so constantly and habitually that her first response to any question you ask is always a direct lie, or a question that confounds the conversation and covers her tracks. It’s important to know what it is you are dealing with here, so do not immediately give the game away, as much as you may want to let her know you’ve caught her. Wait and watch. If it’s a one-time thing, you can talk to her later about it (after you’ve determined she’s not consistently lying), determine the reasons for it, and then apply any corrective measure you deem necessary. The end game, ultimately, must be to expose the lying and salvage what you can from the liar. Putting off this hard work only compounds the security of the liar and her habit of lying, along with the extended insult of you appearing unobservant and naive in her eyes, so don’t take up the game of play a sucker to catch a sucker too long. Life is short and time spending it in positivity is crucial.

And word of caution: sometimes seeing and believing isn’t always right. What appears to be a lie at first blush may turn out to be the truth after all, so be methodical and objective in gauging her honesty. Gather the information necessary to convince yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt that she’s manipulating truth, otherwise you may raise unnecessary conflict.

Compulsive, extensive lying tends to have deep, snarled roots in mental dysfunction. It wreaks so much havoc in the lives of others that life is better off alone than with a chronic liar. Luckily, most of us do not have to face this hard choice. We just move on to someone more suited for us, once we determine the person we are with cannot be trusted…with anything.

We have no advice for compulsive liars except for advice they probably won’t take, but here it goes: if you should ever get a glimmering that this this a problem for you (typically other people will tell you over and over again to stop lying to them—that’s how you know, so start listening to them rather than denying it), immediately go get the best professional help you can. You need a psychologist who is an expert in dealing with liars, or you will just lie to him or her and nothing will be fixed. Not so strangely, compulsive liars often do not know that this is their tragic flaw, for the person they lie to the most is themselves and they tend to assume others are just like them: telling them lies out of self-interest.

6

Entering a relationship of service with the intent to manipulate the man you serve into becoming the form of male you prefer. There are many women, some young and inexperienced with life, some a little older, most of whom have already run through half a dozen half-baked “masters,” who have this fixed idea in their heads about what the ideal master has to do to be “worthy” of them. They have an intense desire to change men into their ideal instead of opening themselves to to a man’s style of mastery and dominance, absorbing his spirit as their own. This is most often done by women who are both deeply willful and insecure at the same time. While similar to the females discussed above in item 2, this woman is more concerned with shaping the man she is involved with rather than scripting the relationship. She is Pygmalion and he her raw chunk of marble male waiting to be carved into the perfect master for her. Such a woman wants to be controlled, but only in the ways in which she dictates or considers right. When she comes across a compliant man who needs to please her (sadly, this isn’t exactly unusual these days), she has the potential to use this desire to subtly shape him into her ideal. And should this effort succeed, she’ll likely find herself strangely dissatisfied with her creation and increasingly frustrated that he doesn’t assert himself more at unexpected times, rather than only in the circumstances she has “programmed” him to respond like a master in.

This sort of woman is trapped in a pit of her own making: she’s unwilling to relax, stop trying to control everything, and just follow the man’s lead but she’s deeply dissatisfied by the agreeable, helpful, obedient creature she has turned this man into. She’s often too scared to approach or stay with a strong male, because her inner control freak won’t allow it, and so she pretends to herself to be deeply concerned with her own safety and well-being around anyone strong enough to truly dominate her. That way she can have her weak man posing as dominant and stay subtly in charge.

Such females need to get honest with themselves and give up the illusions of their submission. They can either become female dominants or get into a profession, like sales, where their particular combination of aggression, insecurity, and need to be in control at all times can be a bonus. But some of them feel they have to explore and conquer every world out there that seems the least bit attractive or intriguing, and so when they arrive on our shores, they naturally convince themselves that maybe submission to a man is the key to the joy and happiness they’ve been looking for all their lives—despite the fact their understanding of femininity and submission is deeply flawed. Our advice to such a woman is “Know Thyself.” Figure out what you really want in life, what makes you deeply passionate, and if it happens to be submission, go for it with all of your heart, soul, and sincerity. Once you know the man you wish to serve and have learned to trust in him, do not hold back. Pour yourself into the mold, leaving nothing spared. Do not insist upon retaining a sliver of control, for this will corrupt you in time, as your submission will be imperfect. Your future master may let you retain some of your power in the world, if it benefits him and doesn’t corrupt you, but he might also insist that you leave everything familiar behind and simply follow him. That’s what slavery is all about: stepping off that steep cliff, abandoning everything for the man you crave to serve with all of your heart.

7

Serving from a position of deep selfishness rather than selflessness or wanting to serve out of a desire to please/improve yourself, not to please him and improve his life. Often the woman who does this is in complete denial of her selfish, grasping nature. She is one of the best slaves that ever lived, and her master is there primarily to help her fulfill her potential so she can become the woman of her dreams. Never mind all those crashed, burned-out relationships that litter the freeway of her past life. She just happened to meet 5…10…20…or 30 men who were absolutely horrible and who treated her terribly! It was never her fault! They were all evil or stupid or wrong in some way, according to her. Maybe this track record means she has a problem with perception, but she really doesn’t want to believe this because she knows for a fact that she is a Good Girl—saintly even. The men of her past were all just insensitive dullards incapable of understanding and appreciating her pure motives and the beauty of her soul. This time, with her new master, she knows things will be different. The man who hears such a woman’s sob stories about terrible failed relationships and doesn’t grasp that she, herself, is the only thing all these “terrible” men had in common probably deserves everything he’s likely to get from her: to put it politely, a massively dysfunctional “learning experience.” It’s flattering to think of oneself as the single good man in a woman’s life that’s been darkened by miserable disappointments, but realize this might be a trap of male ego. Admittedly, it feels really good to think you are the only decent male amidst a batch of misfits or cretins, but beware: it can sometimes take a man duped by a female’s beauty and sob stories years to extricate himself from the slimy tentacles her needy, co-dependent, and extremely self-centered personality.

Men should learn to recognize this type from miles away so that they can avoid them at a very early stage. “Miles away” is a metaphor for the first few conversations: you can often tell from these what she is really like inside. Men often learn about this type from being burned by women with the same personality flaws: when they met yet another female who talks a lot like the one who wasted two or more years of their time, effort, and commitment, they will tend to watch her very carefully, if they decide to proceed at all.

Women who are selfish very often do not realize how selfish they are. They are wrapped up in a pipe dream, partially encouraged by the female centrism of the modern age, of what good, self-sacrificing, pure, helpful angels they are. They do not realize the depths of their selfishness and how self-interest extends into almost everything they think and do. It’s this illusion of her innate female goodness and an unwillingness to let it go that leads a deeply selfish woman to steamroller over others as she lives her supposedly caring and giving life. Sometimes such women are so broken mentally and emotionally that they refuse to see the horrible damage their masquerading causes everyone they come in close contact with. A woman with a bad case of this disease won’t even be reading this paragraph, as she’s utterly convinced that nothing in the above descriptions apply in the least to her (she’s probably not on a site like this anyway). She just knows that she never hurts other people, that she never lets anyone down, that she doesn’t think only of her own pleasure, for she has such a beautiful, caring mind and soul. She is this wonderful angel who cares so deeply when animals (or sometimes humans, particularly those far away from her) are harmed –but treats the people around her, those regularly in her life, quite differently.

Often such women want to serve someone due to their fantasies of being such perfect, loving, selfless angels. It’s important for a man to observe how a woman who describes herself in this way acts in real life around the people closest to her, particularly those who depend upon her. Is she is constantly disappointing them, letting them down, promising wonderful things (because it makes her feel good to do so) but never following through (because she doesn’t want to be bothered, and her needs always come first)? Does she forget her promises, break her commitments, including those to her family in order spend time with you?  (As flattering as this may be, it is a warning sign that you may be next to be neglected when she becomes familiar with you.) Finally, does she express her aggression passively?  Does she beg for a desire to serve selflessly and then, when given an opportunity, whine worriedly in a stressed-out tone over most commands she is given, pretending that what you want her to do will hurt others as well as herself, and she’s just wisely looking out (something you can’t do, apparently) for everybody’s welfare? The latter sort of woman tends to have a huge pleasant fantasy in her head about what service and obedience feels like and an actual master who demands real service from his slaves, service that benefits him, is not serving up the easy and soft romantic program she expects.

Keep in mind that a woman who loves to serve genuinely and unselfishly seldom describes herself in these glowing selfless goddess terms. If anything, she will take great pains to warn you about her personal flaws, downplay her good points, and hold, in general, a relatively low self-opinion because she is highly mindful and self-critical. Some self-described masters claim these purer types, these simple-hearted, altruistic, loving women are “boring.” Something in them craves the more “exciting” highly aggressive or hysterical, constantly-throwing-obstacles-in-one’s-path, head case. This preference is usually a clear indication that being a dominant rather than a master, a man without complete control over a woman would be more rewarding for this sort of person.  A man who wants to truly master a female loves the compliant, obedient, self-effacing types, as they are so cooperative in their enslavement, so giving of themselves, and actually enjoy submission. They strive to make things easy for their masters and hate causing conflict. It is intensely erotic, for someone who loves controlling others, to dominate someone so willing and cooperative with her own subjugation.

8

Underestimating Him. Most often it’s his intelligence. Women who are mentally just slightly above average, maybe on the 60th percentile, are far less likely to perceive that someone else is immensely more intelligent than they are. For one thing, very smart people, if they’re emotionally mature, often don’t hammer their extreme intelligence down the throats of others, even if they can. They know they’re smart and feel no need to constantly advertise that fact. They save their brilliance for when it is really needed or where it will do the most good. A slightly smarter than average girl will tend to believe an intelligent male is on the same level or slightly less intelligent than herself. She will, particularly if she is young and inexperienced, lecture him wisely on the ways of the world, boast directly or indirectly about her intellectual prowess, and, because she cannot understand or grasp the multiple levels of an intelligent man’s responses and because, while aware of that, he’s sensitive and polite over her lack of mental horsepower, she’ll start to think of him as quite dense. Because a sixty-percenter has seen that she is smarter than some people (or perhaps others have, for various reasons of their own, let her believe this), she assumes these experiences indicate that she is extraordinarily brilliant—smarter than almost everyone alive and certainly smarter than just about everyone she meets.

A woman will also often underestimate the man’s overall moral superiority over her. (And yes, I did say his moral superiority!) Many women have the ability to ruthlessly lie to men, steal or use all of their resources, flake out on them and let them down constantly, act completely irresponsibly, defy the men they claim to obey, rage at them when they don’t get their way, nag them incessantly, threaten to abandon the relationships they took sacred vows to maintain, insist men totally accept all their lies, and after all that, think of themselves as angelic, harmless victims. Females frequently have two faces or two sides: dark and light, and neither one will acknowledge the other exists. But even if she keeps it buried, somewhere deep down inside, the two-faced female knows exactly what she’s doing.

For all their loud screeching about victimization and innocence, I have seldom met any female of any age who was an average male’s superior in terms of truthfulness, honestly, lack of manipulation, commitment to higher principles, clear rational thinking, directness, and all the other character traits that make a man truly admirable. Females are brainwashed these days, however, by educational institutions and media into thinking that they can excel at anything (and you better bet that includes submission, if they decide they are interested in it) without having any natural talents, abilities, or experience in the area. Why? Isn’t it obvious by now? They are defacto the superior sex.

So how does a women who is a self-satisfied poster-child for mental and emotional Dunning-Kruger effect  learn that this is what she is so that she can honestly address her false, egotistical, self-aggrandizing beliefs? Asking someone with this condition to diagnose themselves or to accept the diagnosis of an objective observer is bound to fail, because her need to believe she is good at everything is often based in abysmally deep insecurity and low-self-esteem. Normally, a woman with low self-esteem can make a great servant. In fact, I would go so far as to say they make the best servants for various psychological reasons that could be the subject of an entirely separate article (and probably already was—see “Doormat!,” for instance), but they only do so if they are aware of their low self-esteem and willingly, even warmly, accept it as part of who they are, practices which encourage growth and require real moral fiber. The typical intellectual diva or selfless moral angel will never admit that all of her hot air comes from a deep insecurity inside her. For whatever reason, she’s decided, often on a deeply unconscious level, that the best way to proceed with life and get what she wants out of it is to don a very strong, extroverted, false face over the person she really is, because she imagines it is one that most people will love and adore. A woman with this problem who manages to let some fresh air of reality inside may realize she has a problem she needs to deal with and get help with her insecurity. Such obviously false and flashy personalities are like the tiny running car that is the base of the gigantic balloon that everybody sees floating down the street during a parade…and applauds. Without that hidden little car tethered to the huge balloon, directing it and pulling it along, that big, fat plastic bag of hot air would just float away helplessly in the sky. The insecurity is the driver, the controller of a gigantic ego and it’s that insecurity the female needs to look down from her elevated heights and recognize, not only as a part of herself, but the most important part: the part she needs to address if she’s to be of any real use or worth to anybody, particularly a very dominant man.

Perhaps a small way in which a woman with this defect in her nature can start addressing it would be to try to observe, before she says something she wants to say (or, at very least, right after she says it) whether what was communicated was meant to help someone else, convey useful information, express a positive emotion, or…make herself look good, build her personal reputation with another person or group, impress somebody, prove to someone how smart or morally superior she is, defend her ego in some way, show off how much she knows or has done, or promote her greatness in some other way. For the moment, just observe: say what you want to say or write what you want to write: do not edit it into a more self-flattering and modest version of the original. Instead, try to determine, as honestly as you can, where the statements came from. What motivated you to communicate this? Did you feel this person would not respect you if you didn’t toot your own horn loudly? Were you afraid a group would ignore you if you didn’t have the best war story to tell? Why did you feel it imperative to lie, gloss over, or “imaginatively enhance” a certain part of your life rather than telling the simple truth about what happened or who you really are? As a starting point, this sort of self-questioning is more than enough. The answers, if they are honest ones, will be painful, so a woman should not overindulge in this as it’s possible to develop a hypocritical masochistic taste for this sort of self-revelation and to start doing it in public (i.e. showing off again, just in a way that’s a little less perceptible to others). It’s perfectly fine to continue on as normal for most of the time, but a woman who knows she’s like this should set aside a little time, once a day maybe or once a week, to look closely at what she is saying or doing. Overindulgence in self-observation, for any person, often leads to mental paralysis (based on the false idea that one can’t do anything without doing something awful) or harmful thoughts, so consider this exercise a case where one pill might help but a hundred will likely cause serious harm. Gradually, she may find herself improving her observational skills and self-objectivity, enough to quietly begin to reform her thinking and resulting behavior. Of course, having honest, if harsh, feedback from one’s master could speed this process along, if the female were genuinely sincere and remorseful for the bloated egotist she has been.

The desire to examine oneself, while it may be ordered from outside, is also something that has to come from within. Honest self-examination can be so painful that a woman really has to see a strong benefit to doing it to stay the course. Some people get fed up with nothing ever working right for them, with their relationships always failing, with friends becoming alienated, with someone they treated badly dying before they could say they were sorry and at some point they get a glimmering that the common denominator in all those failures isn’t this great variety of other “mean” people out there—it is themselves, and themselves only. Other times, a female may have to suffer seriously painful setbacks and losses in life, and, after numerous periods of grief and denial, come to realize that the reasons for some of the things that “randomly happened” to her were clearly caused by herself, particularly by her attitudes. Other times, the realization may be instantaneous: out of the blue a woman may catch herself in a really egotistical moment, really see the ugly things she is doing and saying, experience her less-than-pure motivations with crystal clarity, and  start to hate what she has become. Howsoever it comes, without a strong desire to learn and then to change, a habitual egotist is not going to make much headway with such an exercise. Her mind will always find convenient, plausible excuses for each statement and each behavior.

9

Taking him for granted. This usually doesn’t occur until after the relationship has established itself and the female has grown comfortable in her role. Even if she’s managed to avoid all of the mistakes described above, it is very easy, particularly if the man she serves is fair, just, and affectionate with her, to start taking his good nature for granted. She may start to assume that anything she asks for she can eventually get, if she asks enough times or in enough different ways. She may even begin to assume that her desires will never be turned down. She may start to view a kind man as a facilitator of her personal growth, pleasure, and experiences—a vending machine popping out attention, gifts, advice, or other goodies every time she pushes the “whine–I’m unhappy, master!”  button. She may start to forget, after a while, how awful or unfulfilling her other relationships have been. She may even, if she becomes too proud and complacent, assume that men like him are everywhere and that she can find another just like him without a lot of trouble. When complacency sets in, the typical female relaxes too much and she stops caring. She stops doing her chores as meticulously as she once did and begins to slack off with other responsibilities, like not bringing home his favorite fruits or changing the bed sheets long past when they should have been changed. She may forget to address the man she serves in a respectful tone, forget to follow the household rules, or just become so contented and full of well-being from all the careful attention the man has given her than she forgets she is there to serve him.

We see lots of these lazy, self-satisfied “slaves” hanging out on public message boards, where they spend huge amounts of time each day boasting about what great servants they are to their men while, at the same time, giving others condescending and often snarky advice, or attacking them. You can’t help but notice  the disease when you see these vicious kitties boast-posting in every single group or thread that mentions masters or slaves, or engaging in their second-favorite pastime: viciously attacking others, particularly dominant men who don’t immediately suck up to them and females who strike them as more servile than they are. They spend so much time doing these things that you tend to wonder what their houses look like. Keeping a home clean and beautiful, shopping for and preparing good, healthy home-cooked meals, taking care of children, running errands, and working hard in other ways to make one’s master’s life pleasant takes a great deal of time. Good servants have time, only rarely, to post extensively online. They certainly don’t live online or live for the adulation of cliques and attack gangs.

Complacency is something that a woman serving a man should immediately report if she sees it growing in herself, as, generally speaking, it’s only something the man can fix. Punishment works well in this area, particularly if she hasn’t had to be punished in a while. The shock of it, if the punishment is affecting enough, will often bring her to her senses and make her wonder what in the world she was doing. Unfortunately, so many dominant men who start out with good intentions become absentee landlords toward their females. I suspect this is particularly true of the aimless and unpleasant cliques of women we see online who claim to be slaves. There’s likely a big leap of reality between their lives lived behind a keyboard and their actual lives.

10

Only able to serve if she is given attention or other things she craves. Some would-be servants operate on the unspoken and often unexamined marketplace principle that they can only fully serve a man if he is giving them something in return—something besides dominance, control, structure, and meaning, that is. The favored currency is often attention, but other compensation is also accepted. If given regular, repetitive duties to perform, they do not do them unless ordered to each and every time they are scheduled to do them. A woman who cares about her master’s comfort, wishes, and pleasure just quietly does her assigned tasks, whatever these might be, when she is supposed to do them so that she doesn’t inconvenience him. She doesn’t require constant shots of the attention drug: reminders, exhortations, scoldings, punishments, long talks about her behavior (all things which, even while negative on the surface, feed some women’s insatiable need for constant attention). She waits patiently until her master desires to give her some attention. The attention that comes her way, when it does come, is usually positive because she’s been functioning as a servant should: quietly performing her duties and awaiting the pleasure of her master’s company when and how he desires to give it. Females new to service often think of it as a sort of job or career in which they must be “paid,” usually with special attention from their masters but also with physical comforts, gifts, or even money. They make the common beginner’s mistake of turning a relationship that is supposed to be about unselfish service that demands nothing in return into a crass mercantile transaction and become increasingly disobedient if they don’t get their regular fix of whatever it is they are after. Although she may not demand money, such a woman is a common form of prostitute: the attention whore. And, for attention whores, being paid in their preferred coin is far more important than your needs, no matter how much they talk about devotion. A very good way to test the potential of a possible servant is to explain to her what selfless service entails, and, if she agrees this is what she wants, to see how well she can function without constant regular attention from you: without reminders about her duties, without constant supportive texts, emails, or phone calls. Cutting someone off cold-turkey is very harsh and confusing: even the best of slaves come up with questions that need clarification or worries/issues they need to discuss with their masters, so keeping oneself available is a good idea for a man with a new or potential slave. But if you find she needs or expects a lot more time and attention, even in the early stages, and she is strident or lays blame when she doesn’t get it immediately, this should tell you something.

A woman who won’t do the simplest things without first getting her expected shot of “attention-heroin” from her master is the farthest thing from a submissive females there is, no matter how saintly she regards herself. She’s a crass negotiator, making it clear to you that she will only do this thing if she gets that thing in exchange. She may try to mask this resentful disobedience in plausible excuses like, “I just forgot,” or in performing the service shoddily and partially, leaving lots undone to demonstrate how little she cares about your desires for good work from her. While forgetting an order once or twice is common during the learning stage, if it is regular, it’s a sign there is a problem. She doesn’t care enough to do what it takes to remember to perform the task or remember how to do it right. Note that such a female never forgets when you promise to take her out for dinner or for drinks or buy her clothing or take her on a vacation (and will remind you constantly of this if you forget!) Strangely, she also never forgets when it’s time to get an expensive, self-indulgent beauty treatment or when her favorite TV show is on or that she wants to have pizza for dinner. But somehow her memory isn’t capable of recalling that you told her to rake up all the leaves in the yard, not just some of them, or that you have told her six times never to put certain delicate items in the wash. Sometimes forgetting is a physical/mental issue that you and she must find ways to work with and improve, ways such as by writing things down or using other mnemonic techniques. But more often, it’s just a sign that she couldn’t care less about your goals, objectives, or needs without hers being considered, and so gives the tasks assigned her only partial attention and focus.

If a woman becomes aware of the mercenary prostitute she’s become, she can start to change. The hardest part for females who exude these flaws is becoming aware of their true natures in the first place. Even if the man is strong enough to insist she see the truth about herself and the  grasping nature of her service, she will, if she’s deeply committed to the transactional “I must get as good as I give” attitude, either dismiss her master’s dissatisfaction in her head as nonsense, think he is unfairly attacking her, or completely admit to her fault in the moment, but then forget a few minutes after the conversation that this issue was even brought up. There isn’t much that can be done with a female in such an extreme stage of denial. A man might want to let her go off and experience the harshness and disappointments life brings to those who regularly deny reality. Even then, if she calls crawling back to you, years later, repentant, she will no longer be the enchanting creature you once wanted to own (“Yet neer the self-same men shall meet; the years shall make us other men.”–Robert Graves). The world will likely have done other things to her personality: coarsened it, made her more capable of other forms of deception, and embittered her. The only hope for such a female is that, no matter how hard it is, she must realize at the time she is with a master how unsubmissive she is. Then, she must have an intense and sincere desire (not motivated by a craving for more reciprocation) to change, and then, more important than anything else, actually follow through on her plan to change. A sane, smart man can help her a little by discussing this ugly thing inside her and strategizing on ways to defeat it, but because it is a part of her, only she can do the hard work of changing. Many such women, if they get some encouragement to change from their masters, will incorrectly regard them as the instigators of the change: the master will somehow wave his magical wand to fix his slave and she won’t have to make any effort of her own. Assuming that attitude is huge mistake on the woman’s part and will likely result in failure to change if she refuses to take the responsibility that is solely hers.

Women: Are you fired up over this article? We admit that we didn’t hold anything back or soften our words to make them more palatable. We hope you can eventually put your shock and upset aside and read again with an open mind, because if you can get past the harsh words, we strongly believe there’s plenty to learn above. This list represents many years of experience with dealing with many wayward women who claim interest in submission but fall horribly short of the mark when tested. Marc, as a master with more than twenty years of experience in domination, has seen just about every trick under the sun, from honest mistakes of ignorance to deep-set personality disorders. Nina, who has served two masters over the course of her life, has watched from the other side of the dynamic as women have approached the men she serves, only to crash and burn. She’s lived long enough to have seen the patterns of deception and manipulation in women who fail at serving. It’s our sincere hope that men who are prospective masters, dominants, or husbands consider these ten monumental errors carefully and watch out for them when training their females. We hope females honestly seeking submission read these points carefully, too. Doing so may save years of trial, error, pain and conflict in attempting to truly submit with all the best of intentions, despite some hidden enemies of the psyche lying within.


January 13, 2015

Nowhere Men: Thieves of Time (and How to Avoid Them)

By Marc Esadrian

“—No! this face is only a mask,
A wicked ornament,
Illuminated by an exquisite grimace.
Look and see, atrociously contorted,
The real head, and the sincere face
Turned back under the shadow
Of the face which lies.”

—Charles Baudelaire

When the Internet started gaining critical mass in 1998, a new era had dawned upon human beings: for the first time in history, scores of people could link anonymously to each other through shared interests online and it was not long before the notion of finding mates through this portal was explored by the most daring of pioneers. At first, the idea of finding a significant other through a computer network was dismissed as the province of techies and cloistered social dysfunctionals. Fast-forwarding another decade would prove that stigma to be entirely removed. Within the span of a handful of years, Internet dating had not only shuffled off its disreputable image, but became the norm.

Today, people have access to a vast pool of potential suitors they would otherwise never have been able to reach with slow and short-ranged traditional methods. In the digital sphere, powerful search tools augment the predictive match of strangers online across a wide collection of matchmaking sites. The “science” of this matchmaking may not be all that provable, and, currently, the success rate is under pretty strong contention. One study claims that marriages resulting from online first-encounters are more successful than marriages that began in traditional offline venues.1 Yet another goes on to completely contradict that finding and determines that break-ups happen more frequently with online dating.2

Whatever the true success story of online courting turns out to be, the fact that that the Internet is widely used to find significant others is irrefutable in that it is so deeply embedded in our tech-laden culture. This is not to say that finding romantic interests online is easy, by any stretch of the imagination. The effort usually takes a tremendous amount of time and patience (if not money) while sifting through inactive member profiles and incompatible matches. Worst of all are the shady hoaxes and online romance scams one may encounter on slick matchmaking sites. To put that problem in a little more perspective, a British Study in 2012 estimated that 230,000 people were successfully duped by Internet predators feigning love interest, and the crimes, involving money in some shape or form, cost England nearly $60 billion a year.3 In America, digital romance scams have become so widespread that the FBI released a cautionary press report on the matter.4

Behind the safe comfort of a keyboard, a willing predator is endowed with the power to lie about anything, really. With the right combination of intensity and intelligence, a scammer can be fairly convincing to someone who might not be so inclined to double-check the facts.

While known challenges arise in the common arena of dating and mating online, the path for the woman with wants toward submission is even more daunting, for not only must she find a man that attracts her eye to begin with, but one who is compatible with her arguably “esoteric” interests. Most importantly, he must be authentic in that compatibility. I make a distinction between compatibility and authenticity, for in the world of online romance the two are not always together in the same person. One having studied well the psychology of his mark can easily exude the qualities necessary to seduce her in a faceless digital world. Behind the safe comfort of a keyboard, a willing predator is endowed with the power to lie about anything, really. With the right combination of intensity and intelligence, a scammer can be fairly convincing to someone who might not be so inclined to double-check the facts.

For many scammers dealing with ordinary women on ordinary dating sites, the motive to deceive is typically monetary. I might dare to say that most with a pinch of common sense can avoid falling victim to money scams predicated upon illusions of budding online relationships. The problem with the charlatan dominant male, however, is not so straightforward. What these men want is not money, but license to play in the voluminous sandbox that is your mind. Their pet objectives are psychological and the payoffs they receive from their deceptive craft are often unfathomable to an innocent person who takes things at face value.

So what causes men to lie about their interests in this way of life? To begin with, lying in and of itself isn’t particularly unusual in humans. Many animals engage in deceptive behavior, but only humans are predisposed to deceive both themselves and others, due primarily to that part of the mind called “self-esteem.” Put plainly, we often lie so that we look good to ourselves and to others.5 This creates double trouble with the matter of human honesty: the desire to look good to others and ourselves often initiates a little bit of truth bending from both directions and lays fertile groundwork for fibbing—even fibbing that is unconscious. This phenomenon is encouraged to excess in the anonymous realm of online relationships, where falsity is even more unbridled in the absence of face-to-face interaction. The online world is the playground and refuge of this absence, offering shelter from the stark and disappointing realities some tend to be living. A man trapped in a dead-end and gridlocked marriage, for instance, might have a very good reason to live vicariously online and thus escape the drabness of his “real life” while his “online life” becomes more and more psychologically rewarding. In order to escape, however, the escapee requires a canvas upon which he will paint his fantasies. The woman, unaware of the deceptive nature of the psychic parasite she has attracted, unwittingly becomes a host of his escapism. The ruse is a crutch and the impostor instigating it seldom has intent to bridge the world of fantasy to the world of the real, but his victim will often remain unaware of this for some time. To some extent, he might be unaware of how deceptive he’s being to himself.

But gross escapism may not be the only underlying culprit in the charlatan a woman may “meet” online. There is always the darker matter of willful, unadulterated sadism to consider, too, especially in circles that commonly attract such psychologies. The havoc a mental sadist can wreak upon the mind of his victim is vastly entertaining in and of itself—to him, at least. In this sense, online victimizing becomes somewhat of a virtual hobby for the fiendish and unscrupulous who actually get off on seeing their victims suffer and endure unendingly for the never-ending false intimacies they weave.

Beyond escaping a miserable marriage through fantasy play acting or entertaining sadistic tastes, some men may only be curious in the act of dominance from afar, for they know they don’t have the mettle to dominate and lead another human being in the real world past the “hot sex talk,” nor do they have any substantive interest in doing so. To them, online D/s relationships constitute little more than a game of role play, but taking it all to the “real world” would put them in way over their heads. Some may, after having created these intimacies online, not know how to terminate them, and so avoiding conflict perpetuates the lie all the more. Further still, secrecy may come from other personal foibles and nondisclosures that would be difficult to come clean with in the world of flesh and bone. Initial lies about true age, physical appearance, or the stigma of an extreme criminal past may keep an Internet predator—and subsequently his prey—stuck in online limbo.

 

Real-life Accounts of Being Had Online

Talia’s Story

I was very new to dominance and submission at the time, having left a long-term vanilla marriage and just then allowing myself to explore submissive yearnings for the first time. I wanted a real-life D/s relationship that would be heart-felt…a deep connection, something I didn’t have in my marriage. I put up a profile on Lavalife (mostly a vanilla dating site), explaining as best as I could what I was looking for, and was shortly after contacted by a man who called himself Zachary.

He said that he was an “experienced Dominant” who just ended a relationship of a few years and was looking for something real, too. I didn’t understand myself very well at the time and he always seemed one step ahead of me, seemingly knowing what I was yearning for even better than I did. He wanted to know all about my fantasies, my past history—he was doing his best to get into my head. At some point I asked why he can’t give me more information about himself and he said it was because he was in a sensitive profession…a child psychologist, and that he occasionally testified in court. He needed to trust me before he could divulge any more information than he had given me already. It kind of made sense, but who was going to trust who first?

Eventually, I told him I couldn’t continue with this, and even told him I was back with my old boyfriend. He said he understood, and would be there for me if I ever wanted to talk. I should have left it there, but the situation with my old boyfriend was rocky to say the least, and Zachary seemed so understanding. I felt his pull, and damn it, I got sucked in again.

What I was willing to give is real. It was all directed at the wrong person, granted, but I’m the real thing, even if he’s not.

I was suspicious of Zachary (and everyone I knew told me he had “married” written all over him), but I wanted to believe, for I so badly needed the domination. I told him that this time I wasn’t going to change my mind, that I was his if he still wanted me. He agreed to give it another try, but that I would have to prove my trustworthiness to him. For three months, our only contact was to be online. I was to have no contact with my past boyfriend. I was to write to him every night with the details of everything I had done that day. I was to read a story from Literotica.com and give him my reaction to it. I was to ask for permission to do anything “unusual” (like going out with friends), and I was to take naked pictures of myself and send them to him (in the exact poses he wanted). If I was successful in all that, then he would allow me into his life in a real way. I agreed to those terms.

The 3 month waiting period became six months and then nine months because I apparently didn’t do things well enough (he used guilt a lot). I can’t remember the details of how I failed to please him, but one time I hadn’t properly asked if I could visit my dad (who lives out of the country). It eventually dawned on me that he was just buying time…he had no intention of having our relationship become real-life. But even though I couldn’t trust him (the two remaining functioning brain cells I had told me that my friends were right and he was married), I couldn’t leave the relationship, either. I was in a mental hell. He “released” me after some nine months, telling me that he had decided to “travel the world in search of himself.” This was a blatant lie because I put up another profile on Lavalife and he contacted me, wanting the same sort of thing. I realized then, finally, that he was a serial online player.

I knew that people sometimes lie and cheat big-time in order to get what they want. But I knew this only intellectually. I had lived a sheltered life and had little experience with such things. It left me shaken and jaded over the BDSM world. I was ready to give it all up, having come to the conclusion that BDSM was filled with only liars, cheats, and players. I’m still not as trusting as I used to be and I hate being this way, but once you’ve tasted the bitter fruit of deception, it stays with you.

I’ve tried to find something positive in the experience, so that it’s not a total disaster. I did learn more about myself as a submissive. My cravings and feelings are real. What I was willing to give is real. It was all directed at the wrong person, granted, but I’m the real thing, even if he’s not. I knew, more than ever, that I had to live life as a slave to a good and authentic man.

The only piece of advice I could give other women would be to stay away from men who are always secretive about their lives. You have to know (and be able to verify) that they are who they say they are, eventually. Don’t feel that you’re being a bad submissive for insisting that they give you information about themselves. Don’t let them guilt you into keeping quiet about that for months on end. If you’re going to be in an intimate relationship, you have to know who it is you’re relating to…otherwise you’re just relating to someone you’re imagining, and what you have, in the end, is an imaginary relationship.

Nina’s Story

Several years ago I met a man on a BDSM personals board who seemed clearly dominant. It had been almost four years since my husband (who was also my master) had died. I was still in bad shape emotionally but something had finally changed. I felt ready to look for someone, finally. Michael answered my questions clearly and thoroughly. He liked my attitude and my interests. He was 16 years my junior and because of that I did test him a little with my questions, but his answers passed with flying colors. Very early in the exchange he asked me a series of very practical questions: what I did for a living, if I could find work elsewhere or do the same job from another part of the country, how long my lease was for and could I break it, that sort of thing. That felt very natural and promising to me: while we barely knew each other, it seemed both of us recognized who the other was and how hard it was to find others who were equally compatible.

He moved us to chat after a few email exchanges. And there it remained…for over two years. He established a few standard rules for me at the start which I obeyed. They were good ones: rules that establish control fast. Sleep times, small rituals, and orgasm control combined with an order to continue to arouse myself so I was constantly aroused, hungry, and needy. During the first few months we did share thoughts and engage in question-and-answer sessions. We even spoke on voice chat a little, but we never moved to phone calls in real life. He said he hated phone calls. He had a web cam at that time and a couple of times displayed himself to me and chatted with me during those times. I liked everything he did, but it tapered off. He also grew tired of meeting me on Second Life, a virtual world we interacted in. He introduced me to World of Warcraft, a huge multiplayer game that is also like a virtual world. We played a lot together, for many months but then he grew bored of that. I felt lonely when he left there. I could still talk to him in chat, but we did not talk in depth.

But you know, actions speak louder than words. He gave every sign that he just wasn’t that into me (except telling me that to my face) and I refused to see it. I preferred the romantic fantasy over seeing clearly what was actually happening.

The first winter I knew him he developed a terrible cold and his apartment lost power for a few days. He was out of touch with me for a couple of weeks. But he didn’t tell me—he just disappeared three months into the relationship. I thought he’d deserted me and just didn’t have the courage to say goodbye. He suddenly came back and assured me that was not the case. During a number of times over the two years I was in contact with Michael he’d tell me that he planned to meet me in a certain number of months or during a particular season, but it never happened. There was always an excuse: moving, changing jobs, getting a roommate, etc.

Each of the times these sorts of excuses came up I’d be deeply disappointed, talk to him about it, take a deep breath, and get over it. But October of the second year was the worst incident: the straw that began the drawn out break of the camel’s back. I misunderstood something. He told me he was going to come see me soon but that he would not tell me when because he wanted it to be a surprise. I thought he meant real life. It turned out that he meant on Second Life. When I found out there would be no visit then and probably not until  after the winter holidays, I was crushed. I wrote him an angst-ridden email. I thought about trying to break away from him, but I realized I could not. We talked about it, a little (communication with him was different than what I was used to—not a lot of words but meanings got conveyed—or so I thought). I now see I supplied the meaning that was never there and I felt “better,” although he was decidedly colder toward me after that. At that point, in mid-October, I felt as though I needed an outside opinion. I did not believe him anymore when he said the real-life visit would be in “a few months.” He’d said that so many times before.

I cast about for help and answers. I think I knew what the answer was deep inside but it was very hard to accept. If I wanted to remain loyal to this man, I suppose I should not have read Marc Esadrian’s writings on slavery. I see that in hindsight now. Reading him was the beginning of the end of this confusing, half-light/half-dark online affair. I saw in what he said more clearly than I’d ever seen in anybody else: my destiny. I also felt that a little when I met my former husband, like I had been wandering around lost in a wilderness, and suddenly broken through some bushes to discover a clear path. My unconscious sent me a huge “you’re much warmer” message when I read those writings. It made me feel like a very bad slave to think or feel these things when I “served” Michael. It felt so disloyal! But what I read made me realize how little Michael actually controlled me, how generally passive he was, how uninvolved and removed he remained from me. While Michael claimed to have had some tough times in the past with some freaky women, I was surprised that (a) he couldn’t see that I wasn’t some freaky obsessive, (b) he couldn’t see that he could have controlled me even if I had been obsessive, and (c) he would not get to know me enough through talking or just chatting online to realize I was no danger to him and only meant him the best.

On the positive side, I think he felt affection for me. He cared about my health and questioned me when I had issues. He made sure I got enough sleep at night, and ate right. But underneath all of these positive things was an increasing loneliness and anxiety about meeting him that was never addressed because he preferred not to communicate with me to any great degree. What I remember most about this experience was my willingness to make excuses for Michael, to assume his inability to meet me in over two years was due to some wisdom on his part or due to the constant misfortunes and life changes that always seemed to be happening to him. I also kept trying to ignore the fact that I was getting more and more miserable, lonely, anxious, and fearful, despite the deeply calming effects of chatting with him. When I asked him about this he told me not to worry, that he had every intention of meeting me. But you know, actions speak louder than words. He gave every sign that he just wasn’t that into me (except telling me that to my face) and I refused to see it. I preferred the romantic fantasy over seeing clearly what was actually happening.

Although I felt “owned” by Michael, there was never any formal verbal agreement, as in “you’re mine and that’s it.” There was never much verbal clarity about anything: where were we going, how was he going to enslave me, and what I needed to do to get to the next level. His style was laid back, passive, and reactive. I’ll never really know what he actually felt, thought, or intended with me. But maybe that’s for the best. I moved on and met a real dominant man who was clear and unambiguous about what he wanted from me and he eventually took me as his slave. In real life. That clarity and communication has been like the clear brilliant light of day when contrasted with Michael’s murky darkness. My relationship today, as well as my servitude, is real. What I had online with Michael, as intense as it may have seemed at times, was not.

Kerry’s Story

I was in my early twenties when I first learned that there were other women who felt as I did—who desired more than anything to submit to and serve a strong man. I was elated that I was finally beginning to understand what had been going on inside me for as long as I could remember and I wanted to find answers to all of the questions that had been filling my mind all of that time, so of course I began searching the Internet.

It’s not hard, I’m sure, to imagine what kind of results an Internet and chat room search for submission turned up. After a shocking crash course in mainstream BDSM I was overwhelmed and, honestly, frightened. So much, in fact, that I was about ready to abandon my search in its infancy when along came a man who called himself a “master.” He’d noticed my timid comments in a chat  room we’d both been in and then sent me a private message asking if I’d like to ask him any questions as it seemed that I was new and perhaps shy.

No matter how much time passed or how much “testing” took place, there was always a reason why a phone call or meeting was impossible.

That message led to many more and after some time he expressed that he wanted me to serve him, but said that he would need to test me before a meeting or even speaking on the phone could take place. I found the idea of serving someone I had no proof was actually real a little strange, but then again, I had no experience at all with any of this. I thought to myself that maybe this was normal in long distance D/s relationships. How could I really know, otherwise?

He was very much into the cliché of orgasm control. He didn’t restrict orgasms, though: he’d want me to have as many as I could in one day, or he’d put a number on a day of the week (say Friday) and on Fridays he’d require that I have at least five orgasms. He also required that I had one day a week where I pampered myself and he would tell me how. For instance, sometimes it was getting a manicure, or buying myself something special. Most of the time the “pampering” wasn’t even related to grooming (which at least would have made a little sense). He called it “controlled spoiling.”

One of the tasks he often had me perform was writing erotica for him. It always had to be Daddy/little girl themed, though (a theme, I might add, that I eventually grew out of).

He said he didn’t believe in punishment and thought positive reinforcement was better, so if I broke a rule, like “not having enough orgasms in one day,” he’d have me write a list of all of the reasons I was a good girl and send them to him. How that was teaching me any sort of lesson at all, I’ll never know. Once in a while, though, he’d have me do something super strange like shower with all of my clothes on or sleep with my head at the foot of the bed and my feet on my pillows.

Months passed and I began to feel frustrated and confused. No matter how much time passed or how much “testing” took place, there was always a reason why a phone call or meeting was impossible. I felt torn between thinking that something was desperately wrong with the whole situation and that perhaps there was something wrong with me. I didn’t want to be disrespectful or ungrateful, but I also didn’t want to keep playing what was beginning to feel more and more like a huge game…and an odd one at that. My dissatisfaction led me to try searching the Internet again, hoping beyond hope that somewhere out there someone could tell me what a master was supposed be like so that I would know if what I was experiencing was in the least bit normal. That’s when I found Humbled Females and encountered real dominance for the first time. It completely changed everything, and, in many ways this community saved my life.

All three stories above are a little different, but there are recognizable patterns that run throughout each. These women started out with strong drives to pursue relationships with dominant men. One woman was coming from a lackluster traditional marriage, another was recovering from mourning the death of a former master, and the last was entirely new to dominance and submission. These energies, as different as they were, each served as potentially powerful catalysts to bring all three to their knees before good masters (or so they thought), but in the end, those energies were directed toward the wrong types of men. As their relationships progressed and each man avoided more intimate forms of contact, the absence of real communication became more and more painfully obvious. Despite these women understanding their predicaments over the courses of many months (and even years), their own emotive processes—and the investments they made in those processes—anchored them to the lies of their false intimacies. And that is the ultimate evil behind deceitful relationships such as these: the more time and energy one puts into the vision of something desired and hoped for, the harder it is to give up its ghost, regardless. Even if it’s for a female’s greater good that she stop, deeply set emotions with so much riding upon them are seldom rational enough to seriously allow her to consider doing so.

Eventually, however, emotions must surrender to the force of their own unsustainable weight. The dysfunctional patterns have gone on long enough and the limbo cannot be blindly accepted anymore. Each woman above had a “breaking point” in her mental prison, where she moved past the bars and dared to explore further. Each eventually found something that confirmed the good in breaking away from the Nowhere Man who kept her: a piece of evidence or inspiration that made her connect the dots and realize where her relationship was more than just a little lacking.

Whatever the motivations are behind the men who lie about themselves and their intentions, the manifestations of their game all take on a familiar pattern before long. Below are some of the more common telltale signs of long-distance trickery.

 

Signs and Symptoms of the Nowhere Man

He skips to the sex talk early on. Perhaps the most obvious sign of the Nowhere Man is an excessive interest in sexual subjects long before the context of even a cursory relationship is built. Within the first few exchanges online, you find yourself knee-deep in discussing experiences, preferences, and fantasies all centered around sexual acts. Your IM or email encounters frequently become prurient transcripts with little substance beyond that. You may not notice this at first, for the energy of a “new relationship” might blind you (and, to be honest, all the sensual dialog can be a turn-on), but if you take a sobering look at the direction of your conversation, from start to present, what do you see? Is there any real getting-to-know-you dialog exchanged, or is it mostly sex talk?

He otherwise puts the cart before the horse. The Nowhere Man will often attempt to dominate you without laying the proper groundwork for a relationship’s foundation. Outside of knocking someone over the head, stuffing them into a quintessentially creepy blue van and hauling them off to a hidden dungeon beneath a quiet rural home, a man’s dominance over a woman, like most energies exchanged in a relationship, requires personal context. One should not expect to have tall orders barked at them within the first few exchanges, but if this does happen, it’s a fairly good warning sign that something may be up. A man with the intent to control a woman will want to know her in some degree before exercising that control too openly, but a man with inauthentic motives probably won’t bother learning about you as a person much. Instead, he’ll go straight for the control (and sex) aspects. He comes on hot, heavy, and fast, for the relationship he offers is by nature intended to be temporary.

If the man you’re dealing with is grossly inconsistent or seemingly clueless in his understanding of dominance, you may very well find that you’re dominating yourself more than submitting to anyone in particular.

He avoids/curtails more personal forms of contact. Instant messaging and emails are decent forms of communication for a spell, but as time goes on you’ll both naturally and inevitably want to graduate to more intimate forms of exchange, like video chat or talking on the phone. But you’ll often find that the Nowhere Man is nowhere to be found when it comes to these richer forms of communication. He may bring himself to speak on the phone or in video chat periodically, but always has an excuse as to why he can’t do so for too long, or why he can only speak at specific times.

He is excessively secretive. The Nowhere Man has myriad reasons why he can’t give you his address or phone number too soon. The excuses often have something to do with caution over the “sensitivity of his profession” or his desire to “not be burned again.” He may also say he  is “very careful about his security” or “has trust issues.” All these reasons could be legitimate, of course, but that’s precisely what makes them so likely to be used by online predators. A pinch of common sense always goes a long way. If you have given over your name, address, phone number, social media data, and any other forms of personally identifying information only to be met by a permawall of secrecy from him for months on end, if you are to blindly follow his lead without questioning and he gets angry if you inquire about the plans he has for you, these are pretty sure signs you’re in Nowhere Land.

He continuously puts off meeting you in the flesh. The Nowhere Man always has an excuse as to why he can’t meet you. He’s too busy with work, he’s perpetually/conveniently never happy with your attitude, he’s working on building a brand new future life and will fit you in it when the time is opportune, or the “timing,” overall, just isn’t right. He may even make promising travel arrangements to fly out and meet you or have you fly to him—on your dime, of course—but he’ll cancel at the last minute and always have the most likely excuse…or none at all, because by then it’s usually evident you’ve been had. Needless to say, repeated delay from his end in meeting should trip your alert for bull. An authentic dominant man will want to meet a new prospective servant in a woman—to make a connection and resultant bond in the flesh sooner rather than later. A man who isn’t interested in creating that bond in the first place is not being forthright in the least.

Things just don’t add up. Names, dates, locations, personal facts, and claimed experiences he may have shared with you in one discussion doesn’t jive with things you’ve learned about him from another discussion. If you start to keep notes of these little details, you’ll notice the inconsistencies sooner. Regardless, if your memory seems to recall contradicting information he’s told you, don’t write it off always as faulty memory of your own: you may be spotting merely the tip of the iceberg.

He disappears for long periods of time and reappears randomly. You’re both regularly exchanging communications when suddenly—poof!—he’s nowhere to be found for an unusually long period of time. This sometimes lasts for weeks and, sometimes, even months. But just as suddenly as he left, he returns, and, despite your distress, long periods of his absence are expected to be waved away without much fuss when he reboots contact and acts like everything is hunky dory. In your desire to keep the peace, you’ll brush it off, but you can’t deny that it’s just plain weird. Baring unforeseen tragedies in life, this is not how normal humans communicate—even dominant humans who happen to be online.

His dominance fluctuates from fast and loose to dropping the ball entirely. The man who predicated his character through dominance and the seductive promises of control begins flagging in those interests before long. Past the smokescreen of sensual talk, you may notice his proclivity to dominate is waning. If you fail to follow through with his supposed structure and rules, soberly ask yourself: what are the reliable repercussions? If the man you’re dealing with is grossly inconsistent or seemingly clueless in his understanding of dominance, you may very well find that you’re dominating yourself more than submitting to anyone in particular.

 

Not all Victims are Submissive Females, Nor are all Predators Male

It would be remiss of me to fail in pointing out that Nowhere Men don’t always appear online as dominant males. Sometimes these pathological liars stoop to a far stranger form of vicariousness: posing as women. Every D/s Internet forum—including Humbled Females, too, unfortunately—is occasionally infected by men pretending to be submissive women. Their profiles and comments often make the ruse obvious, but some are more clever than others and may evade detection long enough to court the interests of men lured in by their sexy photos and all-too-likely talk. While their male victims may not stay on the hook for as long as submissive women lured in by the online phantoms of male dominance, the preferred mirage of a submissive female can still waste a man’s time and energy well enough. As with women who get taken advantage of online, men can be manipulated by the force of their own desires which they project onto the (manufactured) entities they’ve met online.

False submissive females are not always men pretending to be women, either. While it may seem somewhat of a stretch to conceive, there are some characters in our world who have love-hate relationships with things that compel their thoughts and attentions, and some of those conflicted personalities reside in females. Past traumas, abuse, disappointments, or sociopolitical axes to grind give some females the motives to don the pleasing caricatures of submission, if not for morbid curiosity, than pure mischief, and even spite. These falsities are not always intentional or have hostility in mind. Daughters estranged from their fathers, former victims of extreme abuse working through their issues, or wives trapped in troubled marriages may gravitate toward the apparition of male dominance, but their self-actualizations in being truly submissive and desiring to walk the path of submission leave much to be desired. A man need only scratch the surface of these women to realize what they project is not necessarily what they contain in any substantive degree.

 

How to Avoid Getting Stuck in Nowhere Land

Talk doesn’t have to be cheap—even online. Not only should we say what we mean and mean what we say, but the breadth and scope of what we have to say should reflect the sound intellectual underpinnings of someone who has thought deep and hard on the things that interest us. If a man is dominant and sure in that dominance, there should be a good bedrock of ideals and rationals that pushed him toward that way of being. Simply put, serious men will take this way of life seriously. And it is a way of life, mind you—not a sexual circus side show of deviance and debauchery. Lifting the haze of sexual appetite, what’s left of the man’s base motivating convictions? Does he sound like he breaths the fire you seek? Are his premises in conversation sound? Do they evoke the feeling of a man who has thought about these subjects long and hard, or does everything about his interests sound surface-level? Listen and measure his words with thought. A lot can be discerned just in this one step alone.

Honest hearts and sound minds eventually find each other, but the first step in reaching that goal is to make certain you’re in possession of an honest heart and sound mind yourself.

Procure more than a single photo of the person you’re speaking with. A picture speaks a thousand words, or so it is said. But a thousand words usually aren’t enough online—not by a long shot. Four to five thousand? That’s a little more reliable. The point being, real people have multiple photos of themselves and it shouldn’t take too long to procure those photos. In this day and age of smart phones, digital cameras, and rampant social media, it’s increasingly suspicious that a man (or woman) wouldn’t have recent photos of themselves to give. When they do give you photos of themselves, consider the images carefully. Watch for changes in body type with faceless pictures and note the overall composures: do they look a little too polished and professional? Might they have been ripped from a porn site or a stock photography archive? A trip over to Google Image Search might be in order.

It’s his call, but he seldom bothers making one, if at all. Gently insist he does. A common thread to the accounts of the three women above is the refusal of the men to get closer with more intimate contact. A man who avoids phone conversations or video chats for a prolonged period of time is putting up an enormous red flag. There really isn’t any good reason to ignore this. It’s hard, given the obvious disposition of a submissive female, to make gentle demands of a potential master, but if your attempts to explore deeper methods of communication are repeatedly denied for weeks on end, and for reasons that increasingly make little to no sense at all, it’s time to politely bow out of the entanglement you find yourself in.

Excessive suspicion is…suspicious. Secrecy for personal security is understandable during the beginning of an online encounter. There are plenty of crazy (for lack of a better word) personalities in the world that one would rather not have on his front doorstep. But as the man you’re dealing with explores your character and learns more about what makes you tick, the drawbridge to his castle should eventually lower. With each man the time frame will obviously be different, but if you’ve gone more than a month without so much as a first name or phone number, it’s most likely time to hang it up. If you have exposed your personal information out of good will and obedience and he remains constantly cloaked in anonymity, this is a pretty strong sign that you’re dealing with a Nowhere Man.

Meeting sooner rather than later is key. Once again, a submissive female finds herself in a difficult position when attempting to discern the authenticity of a potential master online. It’s not her place to ever direct or demand things, but at the same time, the need in her to know her prospective master is strong and getting to that path of truly knowing him can only be started upon by meeting face to face. A wise dominant male will understand this, inherently. He will assuage your doubts and fears with a plan to bring you to him, if even to simply to introduce himself and observe you. If the man you’re speaking with never seems to have a serious plan to meet you, or makes those plans but repeatedly breaks them, it’s best to look elsewhere.

Look inward. Some women, while pointing the finger sternly at men, fail to realize how unsavory and impure their own motives are for finding so-called masters. Possessiveness, brattishness, belligerence, substance abuse, gross obesity, and generally poor attitudes might otherwise turn off an authentic male who once held some interest in you. Honest hearts and sound minds eventually find each other, but the first step in reaching that goal is to make certain you’re in possession of an honest heart and sound mind yourself. As always, the beginning of any journey starts with you. Educate yourself and do plenty of soul searching before taking up the search for a dominant male in the first place, for this way of life certainly isn’t a game. Strong, pure, and resolute in your intent, you need only find the other half of this puzzle.

Listen to your instincts. Not all threats to our well-being are consciously recognized. Sometimes the alarm bells are subtle and muted, but they’re there, if you pay attention. If something strikes you as strange or out of place, don’t let other feelings cloud your judgment. It might not be pleasant to entertain second thoughts that darken your hopes a little, but sometimes looking twice can save you a lot of pain and suffering later on. If you have questions or urgent concerns, a prospective master should be quite willing to hear you out and provide answers that satisfy your mind, not merely trick it.

Beware the adaptation of deceptive tactics. Like viruses that continually produce new strains, online fakers adapt their games in an ever-escalating psychological “arms race” with their target victims. Rest assured that some predators are reading this very article and taking it into consideration while they adapt their methods. With that in mind, you must constantly attempt to keep your mind open to the new ways in which online charlatans will attempt to game your mind. An example might be giving you personal information that belongs to someone else, or even making an effort to meet you quickly at a café to assuage your surface suspicions. Nowhere Men attempt to “hack” the mind however they can in an attempt to get what they want. Be wary of this. Try to think of what you don’t know that you don’t know. Essentially, vigilance is key in order to avoid being taken advantage of.

 

Some Ending Thoughts

The charlatan master—the man who has built his entire image upon a lie told online (for whatever reason)—is an insidious enemy to male dominance, for he offers up a tempting goal that will make a woman suffer miles of hardship to reach it, only to continuously snatch it away from her. The ultimate truth he teaches is a crummy one: the god she would worship is a sham.

As a submissive female, it behooves you to hone good judgment in seeking a man to serve. Human lives are finite in this world. Time, therefore, is a tremendously precious resource. When you give someone your time you’re giving fragments of your life to them, too—fragments you’ll never get back. It’s absolutely imperative, then, to invest your time wisely and look before you leap. This does not mean you must be indomitable and overbearing in your trepidation about men, but it does mean you should hone your common sense and keep your wits about you before entirely buying into the ongoing story of someone you’ve never met and likely will never meet.

If you’ve been deceived by a Nowhere Man already, take heart in the fact that this bad experience does not anywhere near represent all men. For the good of your own nature, don’t buy into an indelible scar so broad and painful that you’ll never seek fulfillment of your desires again. There are, indeed, many good men in this world who are patiently waiting for your search (and your wits) to grow a little sharper in order to find them. If you know deep in your spirit that your intentions to submit are real, you need only find the second half of the equation to complete yourself: a real man—a man who talks straight, knows what he wants, and carries through with his words. He’s a man who will put you in your place with desire, wisdom, forethought, and a well-plied belt.

1. https://www.humbledfemales.net/research/online-marriage-success-PNAS-2013-Cacioppo.pdf
2. Paul Aditi. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking. October 2014, 17(10): 664-667
3. Monica T. Whitty, Tom Buchanan. The Online Romance Scam: A Serious Cybercrime. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 2012; 15 (3)
4. https://www.fbi.gov/sandiego/press-releases/2013/looking-for-love-beware-of-online-dating-scams
5. Tyler, J. M., & Feldman, R. S. (2005). Deflecting threat to one’s image: Dissembling personal information as a self-presentation strategy. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 27, 371-378


June 6, 2014

The Seven Steps

By Nina E.

female-women-steps of submission

Who This Is For

You sincerely wanted to be possessed by a man, not just by any man but by a strong, dominant man you could admire, respect, and even worship. So you ratcheted up your courage and approached such a man when he became visible to you, understanding that if you didn’t, you might never meet him—or anyone as good as him—as he’s likely not the type who chases women down. And, to your joy and gratification, he responded to you, he took your desire to get to know him and possibly serve him seriously. Now, while not “his” yet, you are beginning an exploration with him, or, as he puts it, you are “under his observation.”

So what happens next? You’ve won the prize, right? You’ve been accepted by the man of your dreams, you’ve done one of the hardest things in your life by approaching him first, and now all should be smooth sailing from here on end, particularly as he begins to realize, in turn, how much of a prize you are and how he wants and needs you. Well, maybe. In the heady rush of the start of a new relationship, many a submissive woman forgets that the hardest part is not over. She makes the fatal mistake of seeing this new relationship, perhaps with the first strong, dominant man she has ever encountered, as just like any other relationship: he’ll shortly fall in love with her beauty and purity or, at very least, become entranced with her feminine charms, while she just sits back and enjoys the romance, letting him drive.

What many a woman with submissive ideals who has become used to wrapping men around her little finger forgets is that a genuinely dominant man will expect a lot more from her than any other male she’s encountered. She hasn’t won anything at this early point in the relationship. In fact, she’s just begun a long and arduous climb up a hill of his making, a hill designed to test her mettle and determine whether she has what it takes to serve him truly and well.

This article talks a bit about the nature of climbing the hill of a strong man’s approval. It reviews the typical steps one must surmount in this climb, and also what might ultimately await both the truly devoted woman and the one who just imagines, out of vanity, that she is devoted, at each step up the path. Dominant men who are looking for information on how to judge the characters of submissive women might also find this article of use.

Who This is Not For

Every relationship is different, and some of us never encounter or even want to encounter a strict taskmaster, someone who we  know will enforce our obedience. Some women want a softer, gentler, more loving man: someone who dotes upon her, builds her up, and praises her rather than one who demands a great deal, expects near-perfect obedience, and uses her primarily for his own benefit and pleasure. Many a  submissive woman desires a daddy or at least a kindly “facilitator” to selflessly help her actualize herself far beyond what she could accomplish on her own: someone who will see her as far more than “merely” his female servant. If this describes you, that is fine, you should seek what it is you need, but this particular article probably isn’t for you, as the sort of man I will be describing in it is not the man you’re looking for.

But if you do have a craving to be completely controlled, owned like property, and used in whatever way a man might want to use you, you’re going to find that convincing such man that you have both a lasting desire for this extreme level of servitude and the ability to handle it is going to take some doing. To be quite frank, such a man has seen every type of female phony, every sort of cop-out and game, every possible demonstration of laziness, resentfulness, deceit, and pure feminine malevolence that exists, and he’s going to be quite hard to convince that you are not also of the same low quality of woman he has encountered in the past.

She should also consider that, unlike other relationships she may have had, she is the one who is going to be required to jump through hoops and “bow before awesomeness,” not him.

Paradoxically, men like this tend to be deeply attractive to the type of woman they abhor: an overly romantic, self-indulgent and utterly vain female who likes a “dark and mysterious” type because of how cool being with him makes her look. This sort of woman, however, instead of having a sincere desire to find out what such a man is really like, what he thinks and dreams, what he’s going to want from her, and whether she can serve him loyally and well, uses him as a prop in her “All About Me” drama. In her eyes, he’s just there to make her look and feel good. She projects her often self-serving and vain fantasies about her ideal romantic man onto a very inappropriate target and then becomes enraged or resentful when he doesn’t slot neatly into her leading man role; when he doesn’t fall madly in love with her in the time frame she thinks appropriate; when he doesn’t seem to care over much about her goals, passions, obsessions, or desires beyond where they enhance serving him; when he doesn’t do the typical guy things such as bringing her presents, initiating contact with her, liking her more than she likes him, ad nauseam. To garner the attention of such a man many a stubborn woman (despite being insulted by having to do this) pretends to be something very different from what she actually is: she pretends to prostrate herself at his doorstep and to be sincerely seeking to make him the center of her life. But he has ways of discovering such deceptions and, while I will talk about these methods later, the primary reason for doing so is to reassure those of you who are sincere that this slow, careful, methodical evaluation of you is not personal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. It just means he has to be careful because he’s been burned so many times before. So let’s look at what’s involved in climbing the stairway of such a man’s approval.

Ground Zero

Imagine yourself at the foot of a tall hill. Look around you. Is this a strong sturdy hill perhaps with a granite core that will not cave in or give way as you climb it? Or is it a weak, sandy knob, that gives and slips immediately as your footsteps imprint themselves upon it, causing you to slide back down to the bottom? When speaking of this hill, I’m talking metaphorically about the man a woman chooses to serve. Many a woman who thinks she wants to serve deeply or even be a slave makes the fatal mistake of insisting that the man she serves be controllable by her in various ways. Rather than leaving herself completely open to a strong man, she’ll insist that he be of a certain age or (this is a biggie) that he be monogamous, devoted only to her and not free to see other women or take other slaves as he pleases. She may insist that he be of the same religious persuasion or political party as she is or that he not engage in activities she disapproves of or that he have a good job or be of a certain social class or have other superficial characteristics not directly related to his ability to dominate a female. She may insist he honor her list of “limitations:” things she absolutely will not do. Such a woman almost always ends up choosing a man weaker than herself (weaker because he is willing to capitulate to her demands) and then becomes deeply dissatisfied with her “sandy hill” male later on when she realizes she can pretty much walk all over him and shape him—with tears, tantrums, and temptations—to be whatever she desires. Think a moment, before you start climbing the hill of service to a man: is this really a man you can respect for the rest of your life? Is he really capable of resisting any attempts by you to control or manipulate him? If you assess this wrongly and you really need to serve, you may find yourself very frustrated later in life when you discover you’re the one running this show, and that you’re pulling his strings like a puppet.

Step One

Assuming your chosen hill is hard and rugged, imagine now a steep stairway carved into its side. You very much want to ascend this stair because the higher you go, the more intimate you become with him through getting to see and know who he really is. But at the moment, this goal (and he, himself) may seem a bit remote and distant as your raise your foot to climb the first step.

Due to numerous encounters with duplicitous women, a strong and dominant man will typically be looking at the latest female to bow before him rather cynically and critically, no matter what her actual qualities might be. No matter how polite and interested he seems in her, he is going to be secretly wondering what sort of flake has arrived at his doorstep, what she is lying about or carefully hiding from his view, what illusions about herself she’ll be trying to spin, and how she will try to turn the power tables on him. He’ll wonder all of this because that is what he is used to seeing from woman after woman after woman in his life. A devoted female servant’s first step up that steep hill of a strong male’s acceptance is to be mature enough recognize that initially he may be a little suspicious and to be gracious enough not to resent that fact. It’s important to realize that his careful scrutiny is not a reflection on your potential, necessarily, but rather an indication of the sort of woman he’s typically had to deal with during the time he’s spent searching for servants. Very rarely does such a man find a female who sincerely wants what she claims to want: to serve him above and beyond all other goals. Normally, the women he meets mouth these admirable sentiments but actually have any number of ulterior agendas in mind.

Should a woman become outraged that such a man doesn’t instantly see what a wonderful, glowing treasure she is, it typically means one of two things. One, perhaps her ego doesn’t have the right sort of hiking shoes on to be attempting this level of climb. This is the lesser of the two evils because it is something that might be fixed with time, education, and dedication to change on her part. Or two, perhaps she is exactly the sort of unreliable and possibly deranged individual that this sort of man runs into so often but tries his best to avoid. A lot of people drawn to extreme servitude are so attracted because they are incompetent or even crackpots and they’ve latched onto the idea that living in this seemingly harsh, romantic way is an escape from all the personal-life messes they’ve created over the years. Anything that seems extreme or exotic always seems to attract the mentally imbalanced, and dominant-submissive relationships are not exempt from this general rule of life. If you are for real, a man’s taking it slow is nothing to be outraged over. It’s a sign of his caution and good sense. It’s a strange and sad reflection on these “females are perfect” times that so many women are insulted when a man like this doesn’t welcome them fully into his life after a brief but passionate courtship stage in which he bows humbly before their awesomeness, but instead insists upon a careful, lengthy evaluation of their personality traits. Such women are still thinking in tedious vanilla courtship/chivalry/soul-mate terms about a relationship that is very different from that traditional model and likely from anything they’ve ever encountered before. If a female tries to cram this sort of exotic, focused-on-servitude relationship into a safe, comfortable conventional-relationship box, she’s not going to like the results. She’ll succeed at doing so only if the male is a teddy bear in wolf’s clothing (a man secretly seeking a conventional relationship with an exotic, cool surface appearance). And then it is likely she will become, after a few years, one of those bitter, screeching harridans who angrily insist on BDSM boards that a master-slave relationship is just like any other relationship and anyone who says otherwise is elitist scum! In her case, sadly, she’ll be absolutely right (at least about the “like any other relationship” part) because she and her male counterpart have copped out. Neither one really wanted anything as extreme as absolute servitude and obedience. But the sort of man I am speaking of does want this level of extremity and will politely, quickly, and firmly show such a female to the door if she starts trying to spin the relationship in the safe, warm, flattering, fuzzy-wuzzy terms and practices she is most comfortable with.

A feminine manipulator is in for a great disappointment with the type of man I am describing. He listens to her words, he nods, he agrees, he even praises her for the prettier ones, but when it comes down to determining what she actually is, he looks primarily at her actions to see how they accord with the pretty words.

Thus, in preparing to meet such a man, a sincere woman who’s fairly certain she wants to live as a complete servant to a man, should think carefully about this statement: “Enough time” to evaluate me is when he says it is enough, whether that means one week, one month, a year, or even several years. She should also consider that, unlike other relationships she may have had, she is the one who is going to be required to jump through hoops and “bow before awesomeness,” not him.

Step Two

Unless the man is inexperienced or immature, it’s quite likely a woman may not even realize that such a hardcore and realistic evaluation of her nature is going on. He won’t be whining about all the terrible women there are out there, he won’t be insulting her, nor behaving as if he thinks she’s just another tiresome waste of time like all the rest. In fact, talking to a self-mastered man who is capable of mastering others, is, for most women, quite fun and gratifying. She will likely have no idea of how very carefully she is being assessed during his polite phone chats or email exchanges. The experience will be pleasant, smooth, easy sailing in these early stages and even if he’s already 90% convinced she’s not going to work out, he’ll hold out a while to make certain about the other 10%. He’ll be very easy to talk to, and he’ll casually and most subtly play out more than enough psychological rope for the female to hang herself with, if she’s not the sort of woman she claims to be. The second step on the hill of gaining a highly discriminating man’s acceptance involves keeping in mind that you are being closely watched on an ongoing basis, even if it doesn’t feel as though you are—and not getting too uptight about it. Relax. If a woman actually is what she claims to be and really wants what she says she wants, she need only be herself and all will be well. If, on the other hand, she is pretending to be something or someone she is not, well, she’ll likely enjoy herself during the first early weeks, but it won’t go much farther than that.

Some women imagine that, with their clever tongues and their ways with words, they can convince any man that they are whatever they want him to think that they are. Some women, perhaps more than you might believe, are absolutely convinced they are smarter, more emotionally astute, and savvier than any man they might encounter. A feminine manipulator is in for a great disappointment with the type of man I am describing. He listens to her words, he nods, he agrees, he even praises her for the prettier ones, but when it comes down to determining what she actually is, he looks primarily at her actions to see how they accord with the pretty words. He gives little credence to her descriptions of who she is and what she can do. Instead, he will expect her to put her money where her mouth is and prove that she can be who she claims to be, not once, not twice, but many, many times. This isn’t the sort of proof that she will be able to invent and present to him on a silver-tongued platter, by the way. He’ll devise the tests of her true nature, and, in most cases, they will be so quiet and unobtrusive that she will not even realize she’s being tested. A person who has been lied to over and over again learns how to find out what he needs to know without relying solely on another’s words. Those females who are sincere, those who understand the value of obedience and crave to serve this wonderful man they’ve just met, will likely pass such subtle tests with flying colors. A few women might realize their behavior is being observed and evaluated against their words but one would hope that, having had to perform similar tests to determine the mettle of the men they have encountered in their lives, they would be encouraged rather than insulted by such a serious inquiry into who they are and what they are capable of.

Steps Three and Four

This can be a tricky phase in the budding relationship with a dominant man. Steps Three and Four come at about the same time. The third step is to not think you’re smarter than the man you are trying to impress or convince. So very many women make this mistake. Even sincere women who genuinely want to serve can be guilty of assuming mental superiority because they are so used to running into men who haven’t a clue about women or how to handle them. But a female should know (or at least be able to entertain the idea) that an experienced, successful dominant man is a beast of a very different color. If he’s an ordinary man, she might succeed at running rings around him like she has so many other men in the past. But if he’s an experienced and smart man, familiar with the means of human control and the conduits of power, and if he is looking for a genuine servant whom he can control fully, a woman attempting to outthink him will just wind up looking foolish if she makes the assumption that she can do so. If she is too proud of her own intellect to accept that a man worthy of owning her will be able to mentally outgun her, then she won’t know what hit her when her deceptive plans fall to pieces. Her ego won’t be able to admit the truth, despite the evidence of her senses, that she’s been totally outmaneuvered in this particular chess game.

A lot of women do this: they part ways with a man who has clearly seen what they are and told them the game is up, all the while refusing to admit to themselves that he’s seen right through them because, you know, no man is capable of seeing through them so clearly! Sometimes a woman like this will even come back to him and try her same old “believe what I say, not what I do” game all over again. He just might play along—perhaps because she’s useful in the moment or her dishonest antics amuse him—and she will never fully realize with what contempt he actually holds her in or how he is using her for entirely temporary pleasures. Such a woman may eventually begin to wonder why, however, she never seems to get anywhere with him.

The fourth step to avoid stumbling over at this phase in the climb is being vain enough to think that you’re too good to be extensively tested or evaluated for genuineness. In a sense, this is a replay of Step One: not considering yourself above initial evaluation simply because you know just how good you are. But at this stage, it’s the ongoing evaluation that’s likely to be resented. Remember that he doesn’t know how sincere you are or how obedient you are capable of being. He can’t sniff that “Eau de Wonderful” wafting out of a woman’s persona nor assume she’s just great from whatever she says because most women he’s encountered lie extensively (whether to themselves, to him, or  both) about this.

Step Five

For a woman who really wants to obey and serve a man, his own need for caution and taking things slow will make perfect sense to her: the female’s opinion of her own specialness won’t be so huge that it blinds her to his need to proceed gradually with any unknown human factor in order to determine if she can actually walk the walk. She’ll enthusiastically and willingly demonstrate her loyalty, willingness, subservient nature, and her deep interest in him, and she will automatically do so even if she believes the things demanded of her are almost too trivial or unimportant to bother with. This behavior represents Step 5, which has to do with understanding that every command, great or small, issued to her from his lips is a sacred and responsible trust: one that she must demonstrate that she can keep by performing it in the spirit and to the letter expected of her.

“This is nothing,” some foolish females think when faced with their first easy challenges or a very minor demand. “I don’t have to do this! I’ll prove my true value to him when he gives me something more worthwhile or interesting to do, something more on my level.” Believe it or not, many women new to submission do not realize that this attitude represents rank disobedience toward the man they claim to respect so deeply and is a good predictor of habitual lackluster “service” or even resistance should they ever be required to do larger things. They don’t grasp that the way a female proves herself worthy of great things is in how she performs the little, seemingly insignificant things. Having resentment for being tested at all (“He should just trust me! Can’t he see I’m sincere?”) or being insulted by the smallness of the test are both mistakes that an inexperienced and unaccommodating female with too large of a self-opinion typically makes. In contrast, a woman highly eager to serve will be content with cleaning the toilet or taking out the trash, if that’s all he’s assigned to her, as she understands that the fact that she’s being allowed to serve in the first place is what  is important, not what specific service she happens to perform. And, while grateful if he pats her on the head and tells her what a good girl she’s been, she will not expect a reward or special treatment for her performance. When you are a servant, it’s your job to serve. Why should you expect constant kudos or special praise simply for doing what you said you’d do?

Normally, the master or otherwise dominant man will start with a relatively easy order. But a woman may come up with a thousand excuses for why she was late in doing it or why she didn’t do it at all. His requests may seem small, but in my observation, these little duties are more often failed or overlooked than any other, because the woman doesn’t take them seriously or doesn’t find them “interesting” enough. Finally, and this is a serious point to keep in mind, refusing to do the small things is one of those behaviors that tell a dominant man, without a question of a doubt, that he’s dealing with a serious level of flakiness in the female who has approached him. She’s not particularly concerned with his desires or welfare and this careless behavior, as mentioned before, is a very good predictor of her future actions and attitudes. It suggests that the woman is far to hung up on herself to think about another’s needs let alone to care that she is wasting her potential master’s time.

Step Five: Variations

“Tis many a slip twixt the cup and the lip,” goes the old saying, and while actually carrying out the order in the first place and within the time specified are two important concerns, there are other ways to obey incompletely or incorrectly. Some women, for instance, automatically assume that it’s up to them to dictate the “how” of their obedience. Let’s say the man she has approached orders, “Send me an email about your history and experience with other dominant men.” If she responds, “Sir, I’m far more comfortable with discussing this in person or over the phone,” she is disobeying his order. She’s indicating that she wants to dictate the terms of her obedience, that she wants to be in charge of how orders are carried out, despite the fact that he’s already indicated clearly to her his preferences in this area. This may well fly with a very lenient, laissez-faire “dom,” but it won’t be acceptable to the type of man I am talking about.

Another common error is to obey incompletely or in an entirely different manner than instructed. The male in charge may order his female to exercise, for instance, for 30 minutes a day, five days a week, and when asked how she did that week, she says, “Oh, I only got in four sessions, but that’s because I was super busy at work.” He may follow this up with “Well, why didn’t you mention that to me earlier in the week, when you got busy?” With a man who is serious about his dominance this question implies that, when under strict orders, unless it is a dire emergency, a good servant asks first before making course corrections or taking matters into her own hands, no matter how “necessary” those corrections may seem to her at the time. Assuming that she had the right to change his orders at her whim and without even discussing it with him first does not suggest she understands much about serving.

Another aspect of obedience that many men well worth serving pay close attention to is how well the female listens to the orders being given. It’s an unfortunate (and often hotly denied) fact of life that many women, even those with the best of intentions, have the attention spans of fleas. Such women have trouble concentrating on and really listening to a man’s words, and when they only half-listen, their imaginations later fill in the blanks with what they imagine he wanted, not what he actually told them to do. Usually this occurs because the woman is too busy thinking about herself, her own concerns or ideas, and allots only a small part of her attention span to what the man is actually saying. As a result, problems usually arise. She may throw his favorite sweater in the dryer when he told her to let it hang dry—and so it comes out unwearable because it has shrunk. She may neglect to stop by the store on the way home to pick up the cold cuts he wanted for dinner or bring home the wrong meat.  Some so-called “submissive females” compound the initial transgression by becoming angry and resentful when such errors are pointed out to them: “They didn’t have smoked turkey at the store and I wasn’t about to go to the next grocery in this traffic so he should be glad he got any meat at all!” a woman new to service may mutter to herself, if not directly to his face. Or perhaps, if she isn’t living with him yet, she stops writing him the daily emails she is supposed to write every day without fail. And once it’s forgotten one time, it becomes much easier to let it slide the next time. After all, he hasn’t made any fuss about it, so he probably doesn’t notice or care…right? (Don’t bet on it.) Sometimes this forgetfulness has a cause: resentment or laziness, for example, but, even if there’s no cause, it still indicates a person who is neglectful of her man’s desires. She has not made his desires a high enough priority. In a woman with the right attitude, such things can be corrected, but in other females, the corrections only lead to worse misbehavior and resentment. Watching how a woman responds to being corrected will tell an observant man a lot about her core nature.

But how well you straddle the tall sixth step answers an even more important question: are you really in it for the long haul? Do you have what it takes to obey responsibly, dependably, cheerfully, and passionately over time, when things aren’t so “new and shiny” anymore?

While the above forms of disobedience may seem commonsense to avoid, no-brainers for those of us with experience or discipline in other areas, they are indications in a new servant of a lot of often-unconscious willfulness that will need to be brought into check before genuine service to the male can be performed. Reducing such willful tendencies is a job both for the female who desires to serve and the male who wants to be served—it isn’t something the female should (again, willfully) take upon herself entirely without asking him first how to proceed. Most women who say they want to serve, strangely enough, never even reach the stage of discussing refinements to their obedience. They become angered when a man scolds them for the first time or shows his displeasure at their failing to carry out his orders in the right way. They feel he is asking far too much. (Of course, it stings to be chastised firmly, but a woman who really wants to serve understands that this is part of the package. She sucks it up and strives to be better in the future.) This other sort of woman, the one outraged at being corrected, is not cut out to be deeply submissive, let alone a slave. She often doesn’t know this about herself, however and it may take her a long time to get the message, because her ego refuses to sign for it. She may flounce off in a rage, cool down, think about it and then come “crawling back” (in quotes because this is usually just an act that masks a deep, malevolent “I’ll make him fall in love with me and then I’ll show him!” resentment) asking for a second chance (or a third or a fourth) and, if he is a patient man, he may even give her those chances. But he is now definitely on his guard against her because typically her initial behavior is a clear indication that, no matter how many chances she is given in the future, she will never be able to obey him.

Step Six

Initially, carrying out orders is fun and thrilling for a female who wants to serve. It’s brand new, it’s cool, it feel so good when she succeeds and he praises her, and the assignments are often interesting ones. But how about later? Weeks later, months later? Is she still going to be obeying this intently and enthusiastically? Will she still be going to the gym every day or every other day, reducing her calories, keeping her house at the level of cleanliness he expects, and so on? A newcomer to service will almost always swear passionately that she will do all of this forever. But not all females have the follow-through to obey day after long day, particularly if the services become routine and unvarying. The earlier steps up the hill give a potential master or dominant man a general idea of whether or not she can obey and to what degree she obeys—at least during a single instance of obedience. But how well you straddle the tall sixth step answers an even more important question: are you really in it for the long haul? Do you have what it takes to obey responsibly, dependably, cheerfully, and passionately over time, when things aren’t so “new and shiny” anymore? The way a woman answers this frequently unspoken question with her behavior will tell the man she wishes to serve whether this is a serious vocation for her (something all potential servants swear is true at the beginning) or just a passing fancy, no matter what she claimed earlier. Obeying over the long haul, past the time when she considers it to be a fun game, really separates the dedicated servants from the bored kinky girls just passing their time with something new. There are many ways to perform service-over-time tests, and each man who understands their importance will devise his own. The dominant man who doesn’t perform such tests is taking a big risk, as females often do change over time, particularly as they become more comfortable with him and his ways. Being able to observe such changes in a female before she’s completely enmeshed in his life is very important. It could mean the difference between long-term happiness or misery for both parties.

Step Seven

At the lower elevations of the hill that a female may have to climb in order to be accepted into a man’s service, the general steps of obedience are fairly standard and follow each other logically. But the higher one goes on this hill, the more individualistic the steps get. They start to represent an individual man’s specific desires and goals for his servant. The final general step that most females face at this stage in their climb has to do with their level of dedication and passion. In climbing Step Seven, a woman asks herself, “After all I have experienced, do I still want to go through with this? Do I still want to serve and obey this man’s every desire, perhaps in very difficult ways, for the rest of my life? Is service to a deserving male the most important thing in my life or are there other goals that are equally pressing, other things I want to do or even must do before I die?

There are many self-described dominant men and even self-titled “masters” out there who are a lot more lenient than the men I am describing. A more easygoing man may want his submissive female to grow and expand herself, achieving her own personal goals alongside serving him. But the sort of man I am speaking about here will absolutely demand that service to him be his female’s first priority. If she cannot put him and his desires above all other things, she won’t make the sort of deeply dedicated servant that he desires. A woman who needs various forms of self-fulfillment more than she needs to serve should seek the former out, perhaps alone, or perhaps with a different sort of man, and not expect that a strict dominant male with very high standards for obedience and service will be her personal growth coach.

The Top

The true satisfaction in service comes from the service itself, from the sacrifice it requires and from the love you feel toward the person whose life you are making easier and happier. To some of us, this is a glorious vista to behold and all the reward we could ever want. Other women, if they manage somehow by hook or by crook to reach this elevated height will look around and ask, “Is this all there is? Where’s my reward? Where’s my picnic at the top, my medal, my accolades, my permission to take it easy and enjoy myself from now on? Just what is in it for me?” I don’t think the second sort of woman reaches this rarefied height very often, as it requires tremendous sublimating of her true (selfish) nature to do so, but I have heard about other situations where women struggle hard, reach the top of the hill, are blissfully content for a while, but then later find out that they cannot deal with the consequences of their choice to serve a man completely, no matter what. They change or life confronts them with a challenge their deep love for service cannot accommodate. For example, what if the man that you served intimately in his home no longer wanted to live with you but desired you to keep working for him by generating income at a remote location while he moved a younger, prettier servant into his home? Could you, after so many years in his wonderful company, bear to part ways yet still remain his loyal, steadfast servant, financing his leisurely life with his new domestic slave?  Those few for whom service is the true reward could because in that situation they’d still be serving him,  still be making him happy, just in a different capacity.

Sometimes a change of heart in a woman comes about due to illness in one of the parties or some other serious life change that requires her to cope with frightening new circumstances. But at other times there is no shocking change. Sometimes a woman just grows restless, dissatisfied with her life. Service no longer seems like the ultimate reward it once was, the best thing to be doing in life, the most fulfilling role possible for a woman. She’s been there, done it, and now she’s bored.  Or, to put it another way, she loses touch with the sacred thread and, like poor Icarus, starts to fall back to earth and its beguiling call. Something in her cannot remain dedicated to the course of service and she breaks away because she needs to “fulfill other aspects of herself.” I have seen this happen with several women who formerly lived as slaves. It is tragic to observe. With each person I have seen this happen to, she ended up far less happy than she would have been if she had stayed the course, selflessly serving another with no thought for her own “personal fulfillment.”

A lucky few do stay the course. We live a life of service to a strong man until we die because have tasted the endless pleasures, puzzles, and fascinations that life has to offer and found them all to have a bitter aftertaste, somewhat hollow, and lacking something essential. They didn’t contain the nutrition we needed, a certain flavor or quality was missing. Only intense, self-sacrificing personal service to someone we love gives us that taste of heaven that we so long for. And so we remain, unless ordered otherwise, atop the hill of abject servitude to a man. The view of the glorious, dark heavens around us, I must say, is most exhilarating.


February 11, 2014

Carpe Virum

By Marc Esadrian

find-embrace-real-dominant-menI recently stumbled upon an amusing Glamour.com article offering some advice to women about how to attract a man and get him to approach them. In it, women are advised to smile a lot, radiate positive energy, and avoid hanging out in groups, for, as the article goes on to explain, “men are terrified to approach a big group of girls.”

We knew this from the outset of the article, anyway, where it asserted that “men are total wusses when it comes to approaching women.” But the ultimate pearl of wisdom gleaned from the author, shocking in its progressive daring, came from the advice that women should be “easy to approach, but hard to obtain!” Not that this deviates one iota from what women have been told all along since, well, I or anyone else can remember: such attitudes regurgitated over and over reflect the common mores of culture where it comes to courting. But in a world where equality between the sexes is now rigidly upheld as right and good, such convenient gynocentrism about dating and mating only manages to come across as yet another odd double standard churned out from the cultural Bermuda Triangle that is modern female entitlement: serenely self-satisfied women indifferently wait and men do the work (and take the risks) in approaching first. It’s an idea many of us have accepted as “natural.”

“But that’s how it has always been,” one young lady caught up in this discussion with me apologetically protests. “Someone has to be the pursuer and if we waited for women all the time, well…I think there’d be a hell of a lot less people on the planet.” I can’t say she’s necessarily wrong that men are naturally driven to pursue things in different ways than women, and it’s true that many men seem to enjoy the thrill of the hunt where it comes to sexual pursuits, but is this to say women don’t have strong sex drives of their own? Is it to say they don’t necessarily care about finding relationships as much as men? Only a fool who knew nothing about women, or a blinkered young lady completely oblivious to entitlements of her sex, would assume so.

It would be safe, however, to assume that women have become accustomed to waiting for men to find them and approach them first. This could be a natural inclination for females during the mating game, something passed along in our genetic lineage over hundreds of thousands of years under the cool, prevailing logic that careless mating for a male doesn’t involve much risk, but careless mating for the female can be genetically disastrous. Thus, the classic hypothesis emerges that where the male is eager, the female is not so sure.

While the phrase “coy” was a term applied to the mating styles of female avians and women long before Darwin, it has widely been attributed to the observations put forth in Darwinian theories of sexual selection. In his book Origin of the Species, Charles Darwin built much of his understanding of animal mating and selection upon the concept of female mate choice. Viable females considered suitors based upon their impressive plumage and finery or accepted mating with the victor in male-male mating combat for access to them. Thus, eager males and coy females were easily imported constructions that we humans anthropomorphized in our own man/woman dichotomy. But with his book The Selfish Gene, evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, inspired by the work of social biologist Robert Trivers, began to describe “coy” as only one of several female mating strategies. Indeed, he saw a stable state in the gene pool between males and females in their mate acquisition strategies: not all resembled the coy female pattern. This carried clear implication to human mating, as well: women don’t only have to be mysteriously reserved, nor are they always. They can exercise the agency of choice in their mating selections by being “fast,” too, or some permutation in between. And so it gradually came to be recognized that a spectrum of behaviors existed in animal mating, and subsequently, ours too.

Women who otherwise want to be seen as equals to men in every way insist on the double-standard of not having to pursue relationships.

Despite new findings and theories in the bio-evolutionary synthesis that challenge old preconceptions, despite the established social equality between male and female in Western society, despite the demonstrable ability of advanced reasoning in decision making that is a strong suit for human beings, the fixed image of the coy female still opportunistically lingers in the arena of modern courtship. Women who otherwise want to be seen as equals to men in every way insist on the double-standard of not having to pursue relationships, but to lay back and choose one among many who approach, to hold out and see which lucky contestant will eventually earn her approval, her attention, and, if they are fortunate enough, “win” her love. The coquettish female isn’t going away, it seems. Indeed, she seems to be growing stronger in number as the invisible skein of fashionable contempt for men is ever more tightly and subtly tangled around the throat of sexual politics in modern culture.

Part of this inclination toward sexual coyness in women is biological, no doubt (again, the female should probably be cautious about the males she engages with), but another part is most assuredly reinforced by cultural memes, too. From the rigidity of the Victorian age to the golden years of American civilization, women have been encouraged to remain in glamorous, seemingly indifferent passivity to male interest. Even in the so-called “post-feminst” age, the tendency for this behavior is strongly supported, as evidenced by commentary like the one described at the beginning of this article. So deep and pervasive is this idea that even women who identify as submissive in their personalities have (perhaps unthinkingly) co-opted it into their search methods for men they desire, which involves taking up a position of passive visibility combined with a large serving of silent hope and little more beyond that.

In The Foundation of Male Dominance, I discussed the somewhat less than impressive tendency of many men to leap forward and virtually beg the women they desired for a scrap of consideration. I pointed out how this is not very dominant at all, in fact, and how it tends to often fall flat for women who do have ambitions to actually respect the men they would serve. Be that as it may, many men are employing these techniques with little to no success, only to feel a growing pang of frustration with the wall of silence and indifference they receive, and any “success” that comes from approaching the woman in this way often won’t lead anywhere good in the end, either, as some men eventually come to realize. But as a woman, you are well aware that there’s always more men with big hearts and hopes (and libidos) who will follow suit. You get a bit overwhelmed with the attention and the process of creating the polite psychic barriers to deal with the fawning trains of would-be suitors. Where it comes to the online world, you may find your inbox too much to keep up with as it overflows with requests and queries, ranging from the lazy one-liner, to the poetic novella-sized inquiry, to a crude and ugly-mouthed proposition.

By reducing yourself to a mere object that is acted upon, you lose the greater agency of choice in suitors—the power to steer your fate toward those men who intrigue you most.

But for all this attention you get as a woman, it’s important not to lose sight of what you desire to achieve: to find a strong dominant male you can actually respect. As a female, your instincts certainly do serve you well. It’s probably true that many of the ones who have approached you aren’t worth considering much. For one reason or another (you may not always know or be able to verbalize exactly why) their queries seem too contrived, too eager, too devoid of a certain something that makes you care, or just too random and out of the blue to so much as make a blip on your radar. You need context and meaning to involve your mind and in a world of cheap and easy digital communication, with its dating sites and lightening-fast messaging systems, it’s very easy to…well, not care much at all about what comes your way when it’s in such instant and high volume. You’ve seen these men before, though they have different faces and names. You’ve seen the same lines, or rather, the same hints behind the lines—however they are contrived—more times than you can count. Messages in your inbox or advances from men in bars, restaurants, clubs or social grapevines are not met with an air of hope so much as resignation that you’ll receive yet another approach from one more unsuitable would-be. And those who you do accept into your circle after proper genuflection mysteriously tend to disappoint or miss the mark in the long run.

And so the situation with men can sometimes seem like a revolving door of incompatibility and gradual letdown. All the while, there are men you may see on the fringes, men who truly catch your eye, even if fleetingly so. They may not last long in your mind once they pass the field of your vision. Like colorful birds, they may be a quick burst of radiance and curious energies that you dismiss as beyond grasp. They may also be like lovely polestars in the heavens, beings who are somewhat haunting and mesmerizing, or simply tickle something in your psyche. Perhaps men like this are unattainable in your mind because you don’t have the confidence to approach them and so fear rejection. Perhaps you’re the type of luminous woman who can have almost any man she wants, but never, as a rule, deigns to make the first move, because you’ve never had to. Wherever on the scale you may lie, the decision to put yourself in plain sight is a common tactic you use in your seduction. It boils down, essentially, to a coy game of sit and wait: those who prostrate upon your altar are rewarded with your attention, however momentarily—those who do not might as well not exist at all.

This strategy may work quite fine in one sense: catching men in the net is easy when they whirl like schools of silver sprats over your vibrant beauty and charm. Where this strategy might not shine so well, however, is in its inherent passivity, the spirit of which will often balk at making any difficult climb to have what’s desired beyond the lazy reach. By reducing yourself to a mere object that is acted upon, you lose the greater agency of choice in suitors—the power to steer your fate toward those men who intrigue you most. While “it is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her,” as French playwright Paul Geraldy once claimed, the fact remains that you are still playing with the cards dealt you by chance, and while all chance can’t be removed from life, any extra agency we may find along the way in steering it better to our fulfillment should, rightfully, be nurtured. Particularly where it relates to finding a dyed-in-the-wool dominant man you respect and deeply want, how could this not be so? For these men who stir you a little or a lot may never come your way of their own accord, no matter how well placed you are in their view. They may never step upon the path leading to you, no matter how brilliant or vivacious you might be or appear. It’s very possible that some of these intriguing beings refuse to approach you, for they grow weary of the cat and mouse games so often associated with the politics of feminine desirability and those women who demonstrate the ability to cynically exploit it. They may see, as I often do, that women so often used to being worshiped and pursued (most often for their beauty) tend to be drunk on the narcissism that often results from such attention. The idea they are hot commodities in demand that males have to compete for to earn their attention permeates their thinking, and, not surprisingly, often the fate of their relationships with men. How many women have you seen in life who claim their men “wear the pants” in their relationship, despite the painfully obvious fact that it’s just not the case and never really has been? How many charades have you seen played out where the “king” is metaphysically crawling behind his supposed servant? Chances are you’ve seen this before, and if you honor the spirit of submission, such a relationship fate probably sickens or horrifies you.

Is she willing to have the courage of her convictions—to step outside of her shell and risk the adventure in finding the heady mixture she truly desires? Or will she play it safe with an indefinite game of sit pretty and wait?

Now this is not to say that all submissive females have such a subversive and self-worshiping blind side (though it should be noted many females who claim to desire submission often do). Certainly, most women who find genuine interest in female submission are not chronically infected with the diva complex I describe above, but traces of this tendency often do find their way subtly into a woman’s conscience and sub-conscience, given our cultural history and especially the realities of sexual politics today. The tendency to unthinkingly recycle these old courtship concepts as “the norm” is quite strong in most women still, and only routed out when fully realized—permitting there’s desire to route them out in the first place. But therein lies the first question a submissive woman should ask herself when searching for a dominant male: is she ready to leave the baggage of all this egotistical and inefficient thinking aside? Is she willing to have the courage of her convictions—to step outside of her shell and risk the adventure in finding the heady mixture she truly desires? Or will she play it safe with an indefinite game of sit pretty and wait?

As a submissive female, you may realize that you need to be overtaken and humbled, but that journey begins with humbling yourself enough to see the synthetic entitlements within your own culturally supported blind sides; it requires a lucid and awake mind capable of shrugging off the tropes we may unthinkingly buy into as males and females. And one of the biggest and most subversive tropes of all is the idea that females are always to be the benefactors of pursuit—the ones who choose the ones who choose them. Not only does this coy stratagem undermine the spirit of your own submissiveness, but it limits your available options to find and appeal to the men you truly desire.

It’s my heartfelt wish that all submissive women reading my words take this message with far more than a grain of salt. If anything I’ve described above matches, in any degree, your perceptions of courtship rights and wrongs, it’s my sincere suggestion that something needs to change in the way you search for fulfillment as a submissive female. It’s true that there are many men who are not suited to even the surface appeal of dominance, much less the roles of capable husbands or masters. Many of these men are the ones you’re probably quite familiar with, if you’ve been playing this game or witness to it. They are the types who veritably beg for your consideration and who you can easily “allow” to think they are in control, and since you find them appealing in some way, you may persist in upholding this grand illusion for however long you want. You may hope, perhaps, that somewhere along the way, the man you snagged will muster the strength of character to have what it takes to truly rule your heart and mind. More often than not, however, this will likely fail, for the foundation upon which you built such a relationship had a fatal flaw right from its inception: the principle of least interest was always in your favor and the one you allowed into your life was placed upon his throne by none other than you, not by his true virtues as a dominant man.

Photo by Marc Esadrian

And so it is important you choose a man you cannot manipulate, a man you cannot lead about by the nose ringed with his own desire and eagerness to jump through hoops of your whim and design. For this reason, the men who flatter you with their ongoing and uninvited attention, the men who seem like puppies eagerly waiting for your cue to act and jump all too easily at what you toss their way should all be held suspect. By letting them in, you invite whatever deformities of character and understanding they may harbor while assuming a shaky mantle of service-oriented dominance. By lifting the bridge to your castle, so to speak, you invite only the ones you willfully desire into your world, eliminating both predator and pushover from the opportunity to disguise themselves on your front doorstep with uncertain outcomes. Doing this requires courage, of course…the sort of courage that may not feel entirely comfortable or “natural” for you, but keep in mind that fortune often favors the bold. If you embrace this boldness to step out of the seemingly safe, hermetically sealed pink bubble of the female ego and risk feeling the phantoms of rejection and failure, you may very well summon the power to find a man you can fully appreciate and respect.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” —Anais Nin

This will not only require you to be courageous: it will also necessitate seeing men without imperiously dismissing them, fostering the talent for a more “broadband” observation of the male sex—of its intelligence, depth, and masculine splendor. It will encourage you to examine the inner male apparition of your fantasies and by what method you may obtain him in real life.

By reaching outward and exploring the many wise and honorable men who exist in our world, you will hone a finer art of discernment and feel liberated to exercise agency in acting upon informed choice, not merely the opportunities afforded by random circumstance. It is your bid to seize the day, as it were. The choice is, of course, yours. You may delay, but time certainly will not. As a human being who lives only a finite number of possible years on our planet, it behooves you to optimize that time and experience the full scope of what your female nature craves. It doesn’t mean you should be foolhardy in this exploration, for certainly, the necessity of good choice and sound reasoning not only remains but is further mandated with a more aggressive exploration. While the work for you may increase, so will the odds of finding a good man—a man more right for you.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do … Explore. Dream. Discover.” —Mark Twain

And, as a dominant male who has seen and often requires females approach him in the beginning, I can tell you that many men on the other side of the equation will be pleased and impressed you took the initiative to present yourself before the object of your interest, that you were stirred enough in your inquisitiveness about them to speak the first word. It’s true that not all good men won’t come knocking on your door. A man of tact, dignity, and grace in getting the conversation going is marked as learned, tasteful, and even seductive—should you have the insight to recognize his gesture from the cacophony of other voices, that is. It’s also true that making the first gesture in communicating with a man is not a guarantee of success with him, by any means, but it is my sincere belief and experience that knowing what you want and taking up a more proactive role in finding it will assist you in reaching your preferred destiny with less headache and disillusionment accrued along the way.


January 30, 2013

Drama

By Nina E.

Have you ever seen a cat on a fireplace mantle or other high place swat a nearby object over the edge just to see what happens when it falls down? People who own cats quickly learn about this tendency and stop putting anything fragile in a high place that a cat could jump to. Human female activity in the emotional realm sometimes reminds me of this feline behavior. Sometimes women will swat at the emotions of the ones they love just to see what will happen. Unfortunately, the damage a woman can cause when seeing if “something” will break when she pushes it over the edge has far more serious and extensive consequences than the breaking of a physical object. And the behavior is often far less innocent than a cat’s.

When a woman in a conventional relationship pushes someone close to her over the emotional edge, she sometimes does so with subterfuge. She creates a false story, an enactment in which she is the innocent victim feeling honest emotions and he is the evil villain, the bumbling incompetent, or both who makes everything so much worse. These false dramas remind me of puppet shows, with the woman skillfully hidden behind the stage, pulling the strings of all who walk across it. Even humbled females may attempt to enact these dramas with the men they’ve sworn to respect and obey. Such behavior, if it’s not noticed or stopped, has the effect of subverting or even destroying constructive, peaceful male-led relationships.

Why do women engage in this sort of tinkering when it inevitably leads to stress, grief, anger, and sometimes terrible consequences for themselves or the ones they supposedly love? This article attempts to answer that question by examining some of the ways in which females, even humbled females, mischievously mess with otherwise happy situations, and, in the process of doing so, do harm to their relationships.

Drama’s Many Forms

The word “drama” has a lot of different meanings, but it’s being used here to indicate a type of behavior that that involves elements of acting, strong hysteria or other negative emotions, and a fictional, made-up story. The kinds of negative emotional experimentation typically engaged in by females take a wide variety of forms. A few that are potentially appealing to women in male-led relationships are listed below. Why do these particular forms of drama appeal to humbled females? Perhaps because they do not involve direct attacks upon a man. 

The outcome of constantly worrying about “what might be” rather than accepting and enjoying “what is” has a far broader influence and a potentially more serious impact than merely spoiling the mood.

Such aggression would neither be tolerated by him nor be found compatible with her own self-image. But subtler, more indirect manifestations of drama will be less likely to be detected for what they actually are. If employed by a skilled player, they cover up or even justify the female’s emotional tinkering.

Overthinking: Perhaps the mildest form of female strings-pulling takes the form of worrying too much about something that doesn’t really need worry or attention. People in general have become more sensitive to this trait in recent years and are vaguely aware that, like PMS, overthinking is something of a “female thing.” While women are more likely to admit to doing this these days than they used to be, the role that overthinking can play in causing unhappiness and even wrecking a relationship is still greatly underestimated. Women often laugh at this tendency of theirs as one might laugh at any trivial weakness. Perhaps this is because they are not on the receiving end of the stress it causes. Being around a chronic worrier who is constantly thinking up worse-case scenarios and who needs frequent and heavy reassurance that all is OK is not very fun. Often, an enjoyable outing, an important project, or other pleasurable or exciting activities are ruined by an overthinker’s stress.

The outcome of constantly worrying about “what might be” rather than accepting and enjoying “what is” has a far broader influence and a potentially more serious impact than merely spoiling the mood. For instance, a woman who imagines her husband is having an affair behind her back but has no proof of this may drive him to desperation with her suspicious accusations. Overthinking is closely linked to over-imagining. And, like Chicken Little, who falsely believed that the sky was falling, the woman who overthinks things typically does so by imaging all sorts of dread possibilities that are not actually happening now—but just might in the near future. Her emotional reactions to these negative fantasies are often quite strong, as strong as they would be if they were actually occurring.

Overplanning: This is a variety of obsessive-compulsive behavior that is often a reaction to overthinking. Trying to plan for contingencies and keep others safe is a natural trait in females who must care for and nurture their young until they are capable of taking care of themselves. But when a female overplans in order to avoid too many imagined negative outcomes she can, like the overthinker, ruin the spontaneous fun of the moment. A female who overplans also faces the possibility that she will, in her zeal to “cover all bases,” start trying to take control of the man’s actions or steer the relationship. There are things she can take care of, goes her reasoning, that “he just doesn’t see or won’t bother with.” Of course, if these things are not important to him then they should not be important to her, but the humbled female who succumbs to the urge to overplan sometimes loses sight of this important aspect of submission to a man’s will.

Over-observing: Overplanning can lead a woman to a sick form of over-observing, or stalking her mate. In the imagined interests of protection, she can become his worst enemy: a hostile spy who keeps tabs on his every action so that she can anticipate him and plan her next move or accusation. Wanting to know everything about a man and feeling resentful if she doesn’t is ugly in any sort of relationship but particularly so in those that involve a purportedly humbled female who claims to live for his happiness. By poking her inquisitive nose into his private affairs, a woman demonstrates a disturbing distrustfulness of the one she serves. And, if discovered, such snooping demonstrates to the man that this woman is beyond all doubt deeply untrustworthy. Spying is also a form of usurping control: the obsessed woman tries to control the object of her obsession through knowing everything she can about what he’s doing and thinking. Her overwhelming “need to know,” whether fueled by suspicion and mistrust or just the result of female nosiness, is far greater than her desire to love, serve, and obey her man.

Emotional Trojan Horses: A far more deliberate form of the female tendency to tinker maliciously with others’ feelings occurs when a part of her wants to mess with someone but realizes that in order not to be blamed for it she must hide what she is really doing within a cause that appears more legitimate. Malicious attempts to upset others often crouch within seemingly valid emotions like fear, regret, angst, anxiety, and other “honest” concerns which serve to make the troublemaker look as if she has a legitimate problem. Some women learn, though the solicitous way men treat them when they are ill, have PMS, or are depressed, that they can get away with upsetting a male if their real intentions are well hidden within a more honorable form of distress.

We’ve all known females whose lives seem to be one constant crisis after the next. As soon as the latest drama has died down, a new one crops up. Some women seem almost compelled to create non-existent problems between themselves and a male partner. Out of the blue, such a woman will suddenly be deeply upset over something allegedly awful that the man did, but if he responds in the right ways, the “traumatized” female magically recovers. Things go back to normal for a while, but a few days or weeks later a new emotional emergency magically appears. Some women have a secret belief that the existence of constant drama—particularly great emotional upsets followed by cathartic reconciliations—is a sign of true love. If things go too long at a calm, steady pace, such a woman may actually feel that something is wrong with the relationship: that it is decaying or that he is losing interest. At that point, she’ll orchestrate a dramatic event to “prove” his fidelity and commitment to her. Women can become so skilled at constructing these dramatic scenes of woe that they manage even to fool themselves: they start to believe that their sad cover stories are the actual truth.

A made-up-drama or other female-designed Trojan horse, is, at its core, an attempt to control somebody through deception and misdirection so that he never fully realizes her actual intentions. Many a humbled female will justify such behavior as “testing” their mate, seeing if he has what it takes to truly control them. If such testing goes beyond a certain stage, however, it’s often just sick game-playing or a masked attempt to steer the relationship in the direction she wants it to head. A humbled female who plays this sort of game is on very thin ice. If the male she is with understands control and the various ways in which it works, he’ll see through these pantomimes fairly quickly and be quite angered by her dishonest and disruptive behavior.

There are some common elements among these various forms of feminine drama. One seems to be a tendency to often confuse imagination with reality. Another is a female’s inability to trust the leadership of the person she is closest to and whom she has sworn to obey. There is often a malicious urge at the heart of all this behavior, an urge to see what will result from her deceptive games and creation of false dramas. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, these behaviors are frequently attempts to covertly control the man she supposedly serves. She is trying, whether she knows it or not, to be the secret puppeteer pulling his strings.

Motives

Why do women act in these counterproductive and sabotaging ways? There is no single simple answer. It’s possible, for instance, that overthinking or overplanning may be a byproduct of natural human female nurturing behavior. Planning for the small contingencies can help to keep one’s young safer and healthier. This detailed-oriented style of thinking may be something hardwired into women through genetic selection. Additionally, a less direct manner of relating to the stronger and more aggressive male, as has been suggested in a number of studies, may have had survival value in human prehistory and thus be something a female was likely to pass on to her daughters.

Finally, there is the motivation that is hardest to talk about because it is, quite frankly, so ugly. It is the “cat knocking things off a mantelpiece” urge—the desire to amuse oneself by manipulating someone, playing with their emotions, and then seeing what results from all this.

But while the disposition to approach issues indirectly or even to overplan may be a genetic tendency, women aren’t unconscious reactionary robots at the mercy of rigid biological programs. They think, they observe, they can choose their actions, they experience the outcomes of their choices, and they can learn from all of this. Genetic predispositions, if psychological, can be overcome by upbringing, training, or simple self-determination.

Giving up control over one’s life and decisions is hard and, at times, frightening, even for the most devoted of servants! At the same time as she is trying to give up personal control, a woman new to being humbled may also, paradoxically, be trying to hang onto it, perhaps in small ways that she hopes her man will either not notice or not care about. The types of behavior being discussed here are clearly attempts to retain control, whether it be through planning for all possible contingencies or the creation of misleading dramas that direct a man’s attention away from the real issues. Her fear or resentment of his control may inspire her to work indirectly to sabotage it. Due to the odd way the mind can compartmentalize conflicting or contradictory thoughts, a humbled female can often do all of this while consciously believing that she is deeply obedient and utterly devoted to the man she serves.

Sometimes there is no fear of losing control or other strong emotion behind this behavior. Sometimes a female’s tendency to deceive is rooted in unthinking habits, her upbringing, or unconsciously held attitudes. Most women, in fact, are brought up to view this way of behaving as normal and only “slightly naughty.” The TV shows, movies, magazines, and online social media that surrounds us all demonstrate and encourage this behavior. Many girls learn it by watching and absorbing the way mom interacts with dad or how a sister treats her boyfriend. Sadly, young females are bombarded from a variety of sources with the message that deceiving men in order to control their attitudes or responses is not only OK but is what is expected of women.

Finally, there is the motivation that is hardest to talk about because it is, quite frankly, so ugly. It is the “cat knocking things off a mantelpiece” urge—the desire to amuse oneself by manipulating someone, playing with their emotions, and then seeing what results from all this. A female who cannot admit that she has this tendency in herself, even if only a little, is probably doomed to engage in this behavior far more frequently than her more honest sisters. Her ego, bound up with being “good,” will be blind her to the reality that she is capable of having these base impulses and even acting upon them. While innocence and pureness are part of many a humbled female’s self-image, a woman who cannot admit to herself that she is not perfectly innocent and pure is a woman living in a fantasy.

Identification

How does a humbled female come to realize she is pulling emotional strings to make others dance to her tunes if she has a blind spot toward seeing herself in that light and even believes her own cover stories? This can be a troublesome conundrum but there are a few ways around it. Below is a five-step method that works well for any sort of personal change, but is particularly useful when trying to spot unpleasant truths in oneself in order to do something about them. This method works by taking realizations in slow, gradual stages, each of which prepares the mind for the next step toward truth.

1. Examining the Past: When a behavior or attitude is unconscious but a woman suspects she might have it, the first place to look is in her past. It’s far easier to examine mistakes that are long over as they no longer carry the bite or pain of the immediate. In particular, a humbled female can examine her prior relationships with other men to see if she can remember engaging in manipulative strings-pulling or even just gentle attempts to direct a man’s behavior.

2. Examining the Present: If a humbled female can identify a few such incidents from her past, she can move on to the next step, which is to ask herself, “Have I felt any similar motivations or desires in my current relationship?” The chances are likely she will have felt such things, as her current relationship is often far more controlled, far more dependent on the man’s whims and decisions, than others she’s been in. Her deep dependency on him will quite naturally cause frustration or fear in her at times. Identifying and admitting to these feelings is the next step.

3. Connecting Motivation with Actions: If frustrations or fears crop up, the chances are high that a controlled woman may have taken steps, at one time or another, to relieve them. Maybe she did so in very minor ways like forgetting to confess that she stayed up a half hour later than she should. This is the sort of thing she can start to look for: small omissions and other minor attempts to make outcomes work out her way, perhaps by overemphasizing a physical or emotional problem. This is the most crucial step: to link the emotions or motivations uncovered in Step 2 with actual acts intended to satisfy or relieve the former.

The following checklist depicts some signs that these motivations—and perhaps actions—are at work in a humbled female:

    1. Worry about a non-existent issue and convincing herself that it is true.
    2. Testing the man by disobeying him subtly to see if he catches on.
    3. Thinking about him with clear disrespect or scorn.
    4. Embellishing or exaggerating negative feelings in order to manipulate her man.
    5. Indirect communication, perhaps by vague conversations or complaining about his behavior to others.
    6. Hiding large parts of her life from his eyes; having a second, secret life that doesn’t involve him.
    7. Attempting to snoop or pry into his private business without him knowing.
    8. Turning to others to build up support for her victimized position and to justify further disobedience.
    9. Advising him on the “best” ways to dominate her, instructing him in what works for her and what doesn’t.

4. Refusing to Wallow in Self-Blame: It can be shocking for a woman to realize that she is not as fully devoted to her man as she once believed she was, but remember, martyring out is quite often just another form of female drama, designed to engender pity in those exposed to it. Despite her guilt, it is essential for a humbled female to put this sort of thing into perspective: to err is human and we all make mistakes! But as these behaviors are destructive in the rarified relationship she now finds herself in, it is important for her to see where and how and why they are occurring without being destroyed by angst over what she finds out.

5. Telling Him About It: Communicating these types of things to her partner, as hard as this may be, will greatly relieve the mind of an unhappy, guilt-ridden female, ashamed of her behavior. She knows that when her controlling male better understand how she operates, he will be able to keep her (as well as him) safe from her worst excesses. His forgiveness, when it comes, will feel like a gentle rain on a parched land. She will feel intense relief that everything is out in the open and she can feel proud and happy for owning up to something difficult but very important to admit.

Outcomes

If the humbled female has carefully and conscientiously identified this behavior in herself, chances are likely the male in charge will be impressed by her thoroughness and desire to deal directly with such difficult issues.

If, however, she refrains from telling him what she must, he may eventually feel a sense of unease, of something being wrong or off-kilter in the relationship, even if he doesn’t know what. She will feel uneasy, too, and may even blame him for it. If left unattended, her slight feeling of unease, because fueled by unconscious guilt, may blossom into despair at her situation and contempt for her partner’s obtuseness.

The male may see through the female’s subterfuge and call her to the carpet. She may be disciplined for it or have to undergo many painful discussions in which he attempts to discover the extent of her trickery.

There’s also a possibility the relationship will just dissolve. The male may feel something is deeply wrong between them but may not be able to pinpoint precisely what it is and he might just call it all off citing “mutual incompatibility.”

Even worse, the man might not notice what is going on at all. Someone inexperienced with the ways of women may fall for the plots and subterfuges of his most devoted and loyal admirer. When a woman can control a man’s decisions through lies, false leads, charming guile, and misinformation, she has become the true power behind the relationship’s throne. If a woman who truly needs to be controlled manages to fool the man in this manner, she not only loses respect for him but she’s left feeling empty, sad, and insecure because she cannot count on his control, on his perceptiveness and intelligent ability to see through her ploys. She no longer feels safe.

But none of these outcomes has the potential for as much good as the one that can come from the humbled female simply kneeling before her man, sincerely admitting her mistakes, and asking for his forgiveness.

Prevention

To prevent such behavior from repeating or to prevent it from happening in the first place, self-knowledge is a humbled female’s greatest weapon. With practice, a woman can become exquisitely aware of when she is doing this sort of manipulation and how she is doing it. As soon as she notices it, it is best for her to honestly admit the behavior to the man who controls her. After begging his forgiveness, she can humbly ask her man for help in fixing this problem and with his help, she can figure out ways in which she can act that are more conscious and straightforward. Further, she can graciously and obediently accept discipline for her transgression, even if it is harsh and unexpected, knowing that the remembered unpleasantness will help her to avoid these acts in the future. Going forward, a humbled female can try hard to stay aware of and on top of her tendency to engage in any subversive behavior. She won’t assume that because she confessed to it once that it will never happen again. Instead, she’ll recognize that female nature is flawed in certain areas and always be on the lookout for recurrences of this behavior.

Deception of any sort toward the man she has sworn to obey is a very serious problem for a humbled female. It can indicate a great many things: that she doesn’t trust him; that she feels, however minor, some disrespect for his abilities to know her, own her, and control her; that she’s still testing him; or that she is unable or unwilling to get a grip on automatic, habitual, and destructive female behavior. Deception can be deadly to any relationship and if it is engaged in by a supposedly obedient female with the intent of turning the tables on her superior, it twists that relationship into a travesty and a lie. What started out as a heavenly way of existing becomes a living hell for the female who tries to assume the role of the puppet master. It is, as I’m sure many of you will concede after deep reflection, not a role worth taking up or continuing in the least.


May 8, 2012

A Tangled Web: Self-Deception in Submission

By Nina E.

“She who knows herself, knows her Lord.”

A few years ago, I was looking for a new master. I’d recovered enough from the loss of my first master that I felt ready to move on with my life. Like many women in my position, I chose to look for someone online, because that opened my search up to a much broader spectrum of people. I’d been “off the slave block” for a very long time, but I remembered how I and my former master used to help others look for capable men and thought this know-how would serve me well. That was my first mistake.

I met a man on a kink personals site who was charming and stimulating and seemed to want a real-life slave, but he quickly shunted me into a very limited routine of online chats which, while supportive and quite enjoyable, lacked something. He did not speak much about direction, plans, or visions. But he called me his slave girl and he was so warm and friendly, and I was so starved for attention after many cold years alone that I decided this was just another “style” of mastery. Mistake number two.

He limited our communications to chat windows and texting in online games or virtual worlds. Over the two years I was to know him, I only heard his voice three or four times. I’d often long for some “meaty” answers to the extensive emails I wrote him, but none were forthcoming, although he would promise to answer. Again I attributed this to his “style,” which was light and humorous. But the result was that I never knew how he really felt or thought about anything important. Finally, he made plans to meet me on numerous occasions but each time that moment drew close, he had some very reasonable excuse for not doing so. I chose to believe he was either “testing” me or his luck was phenomenally bad. How many mistakes are we at now?

After two years, I was at my wits’ end, and expressed my frustration to him frankly. He was angry and offended that I did not trust him. Even then, I was willing to keep going with him. But I decided to ask three other friends I trusted what they thought.

But self-deception is a slippery beast: it can easily slide into our assumptions without our noticing it. Therefore, knowing the nature and quality of one’s own ability to self-deceive is extremely important to women who desire to be obedient, loving servants of their men.

They were unanimous in their opinions: he was stringing me along and had no intention of ever being anything more than a cyber mirage. I might have been able to deny one person’s opinion on this. But three of the smartest people I knew were all saying the same thing. And so, as hard as it was, I finally admitted to myself the truth: I’d spent the last two years deceiving myself that this relationship was going somewhere.

Self-deception is very tricky largely because nobody wants to believe they are capable of it. It’s not a trait that one can ever fully declare “dead,” however. It arises from the darkness of your unconscious, like a vampire, to suck at your honest spirit when you least expect it. But unlike a vampire, self-deception doesn’t announce its presence with a bite on the neck; it’s a problem made even more serious because it’s so hard to accurately observe and identify when under its spell. Let’s face it, no woman desiring to please a man or trying to find a man to please likes to think of herself as intentionally deceptive or as not knowing her own mind. But self-deception is a slippery beast: it can easily slide into our assumptions without our noticing it. Therefore, knowing the nature and quality of one’s own ability to self-deceive is extremely important to women who desire to be obedient, loving servants of their men. Being honest and providing accurate information is so important in these relationships, but someone confused about what she really wants or what she is actually doing may provide inaccurate feedback to her male, and his plans for her will suffer as a result. This may, in turn, prevent the already surrendered woman from transforming herself, with her male’s help, into a better servant and helpmate. As my own story clearly demonstrates, self-deception can also prevent an unpartnered woman from finding the special sort of man that she needs.

A woman who is convinced she knows herself fully and is completely honest to others about her nature when this is not actually the case will frequently seek out a man willing to agree with her faulty self-assessment. The dominant male/submissive female couples that result are often nothing but mutual admiration societies in which the tacit rule is “I will accept everything that you say about yourself if you accept everything that I say about myself.” No growth, no progression, no change is possible in such relationships, although they may be filled with a certain sort of happiness and contentment. It feels quite good, after all, not to be questioned or challenged in disturbing ways.

But what feels good isn’t always what’s best for us. Aligning only with the pleasant lies we sell ourselves doesn’t allow us room to evolve. There’s another word for this condition: stagnation. Think of a small pond of completely still water that is never refreshed from a spring or river. Plants start to decay within it, microbes flourish, a scum grows over the surface that prevents oxygen from mixing with the water. The stagnant mental and emotional ponds that certain couples embody are sometimes the consequence of extreme self-deception working in both parties. They’ve mutually decided that, together, they know it all. If you live in the happy land of “Know It All,” you don’t have to worry about growing, changing, challenging your assumptions, and other potentially uncomfortable activities. That is its immense appeal, and the majority of people cannot resist that appeal. But a deeply submissive woman who desires or is with a demanding male must resist becoming a smug and staid Know-It-All, because her lord and master will be constantly insisting she change and grow for him.

Thus, she is, due to the nature of her self-deception, vulnerable to being drawn toward another type of man, the type who, while putting on a good act of independent dominance, is willing to approach her first and pay her homage by indirectly stroking her ego like some people pet a pussycat.

Because self-deception is so prevalent in us all and so difficult to spot from within, I’ve provided a few realistic examples of it in action below, in the hopes that reading about the ways others deceive themselves will aid recognition of it in one’s own self. These are common situations that affect women who want to fully serve or who are already serving a man.

Entitlement
Some women believe they deserve the best of dominant men, the crème de la crème, simply because they feel submissive and that means, in their Holy Bible of Self Worth, that their submissiveness, simply because they are feeling it, is far better than anybody else’s submissiveness. A woman may not say this directly to herself, but she knows in her heart that she is the very best: That there has never been another submissive woman like herself and never will be again. If a male who catches her eye doesn’t pay her the level of attention she feels is her due, if he doesn’t come to her and court her after she coyly and nonchalantly makes sure he is aware of her presence, then she acts like the fox in the fable who made himself feel better by claiming, falsely, that the grapes he couldn’t reach by his own efforts were “undoubtedly sour.” This sort of female decides that dominant men who do not worship at her personal altar are not worth having, despite the fact that such a man is probably the only one free and independent enough to actually tame her.

Thus, she is, due to the nature of her self-deception, vulnerable to being drawn toward another type of man, the type who, while putting on a good act of independent dominance, is willing to approach her first and pay her homage by indirectly stroking her ego like some people pet a pussycat. It’s hard for a woman with a top-heavy self-opinion to resist that treatment. No matter how much modesty and humility she gives lip service to, inside she believes that a “perfect” dominant man will, first and foremost, recognize her own incredible excellence in submission. If a man comes along who is willing to bow to her egotistical rule that the male must always show the first signs of interest (although, ideally, cleverly hidden behind a dominant veneer) then Boom! It’s love at first sight, because she did not have to lose face (or faith in her religion of Self) by approaching him first, with trembling humility. The relationship has been founded on her ego’s demands, not on her ability to bend and humble herself before a man’s will. These are also the rocks upon which it will flounder…sooner or later.

This woman is in a predicament of her own making and she can’t really do much about such a situation except live through it since she is presently committed to a path of denial. But she’ll likely be so busy being a smug and complacent half of the perfect master-slave couple that she won’t mind doing so, at least for many years. Time and fate, however, may throw some hard curve balls her way and harsh events have a way of opening one’s eyes to the reality of one’s situation. Later in life, she may find herself starting at square one again: looking for a new master. Maybe, after going through a personal hell or two, she’ll be lucky enough to realize that there is some merit in begging for attention from the type of man that she really needs rather than assuming that he must come begging to her first. Therein lies her sole hope, if she is sincere about her submission.

Pride
Some submissive women are naturally self-effacing and observe themselves with some degree of honesty due to this trait. Unlike Miss “Entitled-To-The-Best,” there is no question in such a woman’s mind that she has defects, some of them quite pernicious, and she tries to improve them. It’s quite possible she is already in a relationship with a man capable and knowing enough to help her with this improvement. This is all very good; in fact, it’s a great base from which to work on oneself.

But even in optimal situations such as this, things can go wrong. Sometimes there are hidden secrets in such women’s souls, tender areas that they hide from themselves and thus from their masters. When an observant man points out one of these areas, the woman may find herself rejecting his observation violently in her mind. She may diffidently say, “Yes, Sir” to his observations, but inwardly she is seething in rebellion and rejecting the thought: “No! That’s not how I am at all! My faults are this and this, not THAT! He just doesn’t ‘get me’!” Or even worse, paranoid suspicion might set in: “Since I know this can’t possibly be true about me, I can only conclude that he is saying this to intentionally hurt me, even destroy me.”

When these sorts of thoughts occur, the submissive woman is experiencing pride. While it’s not full-blown pride but rather a little hidden island of pride connected to an area of her personality she was unaware of or repressing, it still has some very bad effects. She has, for instance, temporarily decided that her privileged position inside her own mind makes her far a better observer of her own flaws than somebody outside it, even if that somebody is her master. (Actually, those outside ourselves are almost always in a better position to see our issues more clearly than we are, ourselves.) The false belief that one is the sole expert on oneself seems rational and logical, but at heart it is close-minded, protective of the ego, and deeply disrespectful to one’s master.

What someone in this situation needs to realize is how very hard it is for her to see herself clearly from her highly subjective and biased perspective at the “center of the storm.” She needs to remember that her master is also her teacher and will guide her truly in this matter. He can be trusted when she cannot—due to a very tricky ego—trust herself. This is such a wonderful thing to be able to reply upon! And if the man in her life is consistently accurate in his assessments of her, then what he says is likely to be the truth, even if she doesn’t like it. When a woman detects a strong level of inner resistance to her master’s observations, this is a clear sign that she needs to wholly embrace what he is saying in order to avoid the trap of pride.

Resistance to Change
It is easy for people to get settled into habits or certain ways of doing things. These ways feel familiar and pleasant, everything runs smoothly, they know what to do and when to do it. But a woman who completely submits to her man, particularly one who has vowed to do “anything” for him, must prepare herself for times when routine is shattered and she is required do things she has never done before. When a submissive woman is faced with change it can fill her with insecurity or fear of failing. Even the most obedient may resist change, perhaps not overtly, but by putting off the execution of the new practice and continuing to engage in the old behavior. A submissive woman serving a weak or confused male can sometimes string him along for weeks or months with a subtle form of procrastination. If the man is self-aware and alert, however, he may give her a short period to time in which to adjust, but eventually he will put his foot down and say, “Do it NOW.” It’s at this point that a more subtle form of self-deception can occur: the temptation to create some drama around the change, just to avoid doing it, may be irresistible.

Where is the self-deception in this situation? It is around the most essential facts of the relationship, actually. The slave has forgotten in her state of distress (or whatever form her drama takes) that her master is her lord and ruler and that his will must be obeyed completely, without hesitation or angst-filled “I just can’t bear to do this!” moments. She can bear it because she must, because it is required of her by the man she both deeply worships and trusts with her soul. She may say to herself, “But I do so very much for him! Surely he could bend just a little in light of my overall service!” This is what a woman in a relationship of equals would think. She would feel she “deserved” some slack in an area that was distressing to her because she had “earned” such consideration.

Since slaves don’t earn a paycheck for their servitude, what she should actually be thinking in this situation is the converse: “He does so very much for me, he has brought me along so very far, made me such a better person. And yet, I want to refuse him this one small thing, to the point where I consciously choose to mistrust him rather than submit to his will. How much more ungrateful can I get?” She should consider how much she owes him, particularly in light of his mercy toward her and how he deserves her best service and compliance in all things, including this.

Holier-Than-Thouism
It’s mind-bogglingly easy for those of us who engage in online socializing to feel superior to others. The larger an online space is and the more people it draws, the more one will see others whose ideas, when compared to one’s own level of knowledge or experience, seem sorely lacking. Additionally, the bigger a kinky online social site, the more likely a woman is to draw random interest from men. It’s easy for the submissive woman, lost in the giddy online high generated by all this attention, to forget that in regular life far fewer men, if any, approach her. In scoffing at the “stupid idiots” who post online it’s also easy to forget that, in ordinary life, the people around her include a great many who are a lot smarter than herself. But online, it’s another world, full of seemingly stupid people she can feel superior to and hundreds of misguided men willing to bend over backward for her if she so much as posts a picture of herself. It’s hard for any woman not to get a swelled head from this. But for a woman who deeply desires to serve a strong man, resisting this effect is an absolute necessity.

When a submissive woman buys into the myth of her own “superiority” based on these online observations, she becomes strongly invested in self-deception. In order to feel superior to others she must forget, even if only temporarily, what she really is, which is usually an ordinary person perhaps working in an ordinary job or pursuing a satisfying but very standard course of study. She works with or attends classes with others far brighter and more beautiful than herself. But online, it’s so different! There, she is a Star, a Very Important Person. “Big and Important” disease can easily and quickly progress to a lethal stage: An Extremely Arrogant Know-It-All Shrew Who, Despite Claiming She is Submissive, Knows She Is Here To Inform All Dominant Men Of The Error Of Their Ways. And once she is at that stage of corrupt blotation, she is perfectly self-sabotaged, because her cynicism, her desire to score points off of others so she can feel superior in comparison, and her belief in her own greatness will blind her to reality.

The one man who is worth serving, a very strong dominant male, is not only invaluable to her, but also extremely rare and she may never have any significant contact with him at all if she cannot rid herself of the proud delusion that a potential master must come begging to her, like all the others do.

Those individuals who are best for her are the ones she will deride and peck at most viciously because they disturb her complacent and falsely high self-opinion. Those who are the worst for her are the ones she will easily be flattered by and drawn to. The man that ultimately “wins her hand” will only do so by repeatedly kissing her ass. He will have to agree wholeheartedly with her grandiose and artificially inflated self-opinion, because she will accept nothing less.

This whole frame of mind, the “I am superior to all of you pathetic morons” stance, is deadly for a submissive female to adopt, particularly one who wants to improve herself and attract a stronger or higher quality man. A woman will never attract a high-quality man with this sort of attitude although she may very well convince herself that she has. To remedy this deplorable condition in herself, a submissive woman can, first of all, remind herself of who she actually is in real life and how unimportant she actually is in the greater scheme of things. Secondly, she can remember her sincere craving to be more humble, obsequious, and self-effacing in order to someday be worthy of serving a great man. She can observe how her current despicable behavior is making these honorable aims impossible to hold honestly. Sometimes, realizing these things and then adopting and sincerely displaying more appropriate attitudes can be enough to cause a dominant man to give her a chance to prove herself, particularly if she begs him sincerely for that chance.

But asking for that chance may seem the hardest thing in the world for a Superstar bloated fat on Internet attention to do. Why should she have to ask for attention from a mere male, when there are hundreds beating down her door, like sperm around the egg, trying to be the first to get in? The reason is simple: those hundreds of men are totally worthless to her. The one man who is worth serving, a very strong dominant male, is not only invaluable to her, but also extremely rare and she may never have any significant contact with him at all if she cannot rid herself of the proud delusion that a potential master must come begging to her, like all the others do. In reality, a man worth serving will avoid a proud, puffed-up, pecking peacock such as her like the plague. He finds absolutely nothing appealing in such a woman.

If her ego can entertain this idea (that someone out there may actually be assiduously avoiding the great and wonderful Her because he finds her so abhorrent), perhaps she can take the first step along the road that leads to a humble, genuine, and valuable servant who is worth owning. She cannot have both (her immense online ego fed and the attention of a man who is worth obeying) because such a man won’t be able to stand her in her present, ugly state. She will need to clean up her personality first, and often that means cutting off the source of her ego addiction and retiring from those online habitats that feed her inflated self-worth so voraciously. A quick and easy way to do this is to completely abandon or destroy her current online identity and start, more humbly, from scratch, with an unknown user name or avatar, which nobody, not even former friends, knows is actually her.


March 18, 2012

A Taxonomy of Bad Apples

By Marc Esadrian

It perhaps goes without saying that the domination-submission (D/s) collective is vast, incorporating in its fold every conceivable combination of themes, methodologies, and intensities imaginable. Within this ocean of mass relativity swims a minority searching for a certain something that isn’t merely written in water and, along the way, truths by which to abide in separating the wheat from the chaff, the false from the real, and the halfhearted from the resolved.  The often lonely search for authenticity involves getting certain math right as you travel down a vast Fibonacci spiral of pattern recognition, migrating from the overall braid of the collective to the strands, then the yarns, and eventually, the precise threads. Finding others who seek those very same threads involves a tremendous amount of searching, both of the world and of the soul, as well as time and patience. Within this collective and upon its fringes lies a sum of what could be called bad apples: those who may, on the surface, reflect a desire for consensual servitude, but ultimately use it only as a means to other ends. Yet still there are more innocent wanderers, led astray by BDSM mythologies, who intermingle with the more serious types—the contrast between the two not always apparent at first meeting. Be that as it may, it stands to reason (and the empirical experience of the author) that if there is an extreme difference (however well hidden) in the motives between both parties in the relationship, the dynamic will inevitably falter and both parties will suffer.

The sage watch words and glitzy BDSM lifestyle wisdom recanted endlessly aren’t the only obstacles to overcome; societal conditioning, excessive prurience, human manipulativeness, and gross narcissism likewise conspire to bloat the population of unsuitable candidates for consideration. There is no easy formula to use in unmasking the potentiality of such defects and incompatibilities within others, aside of relying upon one’s own intuitiveness, wit, and patience. It is beneficial to familiarize oneself with a basic taxonomy of unsuitables, however. Below are just a few of the more common I can describe, along with their respective caveats, in recognition that fortune sometimes favors the second glance.

The Novice
Novices can be any age and any disposition, for the desires we speak of at Humbled Females do not always unfold in our early years. Generally speaking, lack of experience is what universally marks them, no matter the age. Entertaining the novice is inherently a gamble, depending upon age and disposition. There is, of course, always untested potential in a newcomer and her untested and unstained interest—even if naive—is potentially beneficial, but with so many unknowns, the novice must be approached and observed carefully in the beginning. To determine her worth and suitability to the ideals of a functioning master-slave relationship, she must be vetted methodically and educated gradually to disabuse her of the illusions that, ironically, likely brought her to pursue the dream of servitude in the first place.

Inverse: The novice may be nothing more than a product of common thinking, trading in her traditional convictions for experimental ones to playfully dabble, or she may be just the right raw material from which to build a perfect servant, for experience is not so valuable as natural potential. The risk is entirely up to you; proceed slowly and reservedly and put contingencies in place, should the test tubes shatter. Don’t lean too heavily on the newcomer. Be a little suspicious of her motives and prepare for potential fallout by thinking ahead. Novices who feel hurt or betrayed can suddenly lash out: guard your deeper secrets, connections, and overall image well by revealing only what she has earned. Time will test her true mettle and trustworthiness.

The Prurient
Most who inhabit the world of domination and submission inevitably become acquainted with the BDSM subculture and its inherent trappings, of its mores, its common effects and numerous implements. The prurient (also known as “fetishist”) eroticizes these trappings and personal fixations on body parts to excess, putting more focus upon the ornamentations and symbolic actions than the meanings (that should be) behind them. Inherently a case of cart before the horse—or rather a cart without a horse—the prurient contains no driving motive aside of the all-consuming hunger to indulge in sensual theatrics, hallowed perversity, and/or a self-centered masochism or sadism. Your part as servant or master may be utilitarian to their disappointingly shallow theater.

Inverse: A fetish can be a very useful tool and driver through which one controls another: through its carnal influence you can wield incredible power, but it’s important to not allow the one in your thrall to loose sight of the bigger picture: your pleasure, authority, and gain. So long as this is observed and implemented, the fetishes of your servant can be used to effectively control her. For the submissive female considering the tenacity of a man who seems more moved by acts than anything else, a question of compatibility inevitably arises. Do his penchants and fixations match yours? Further, is there potential in him to embrace the authority of master if they do? Is his dominance more than just sexual scenery? The answers to those questions should determine the path taken.

The Change Agent
The change agent explores the world of domination-submission often as a newcomer, searching for something new. Traditional romance has left her dispirited and unimpressed, but this new world of “masters and slaves” seems rife with thrills. She puts down the ordinary ways of her past, launching headfirst into a newfound dark love with a man who captures and consumes her. Her life becomes deliciously intense, passionate, and even scary, but eventually, the momentum begins to wane and as she gets more comfortable, other motives intrude. As the relationship progresses, she seeks to lay claim upon her “master,” gradually becoming more territorial and possessive over his time and attention. Her flaw becomes painfully clear through her conventional attitudes about fidelity, reciprocated love, and romantic commitment. Feigning submission, the change agent is in reality a jealous and opportunistic appeaser; to secure the relationship and her position in it, she attempts to manipulate him to commit to the relationship paradigm she’s truly more comfortable with, all the while retaining the air of servant.

Inverse: The change agent can sometimes hold vast potential: her submission remains tied to a culturally coached alter ego of sorts, but the core of that alter ego can be dealt with, so long as she is disabused of her fears, doubts, culturally enforced mores, and most importantly, the idea you as master can be changed to suit her needs through manipulative appeasement and the sticky traps of romanticism. Measure well her potential before such an undertaking. If she is otherwise generally honest, she may be salvaged, but if deceitful and stubbornly jealous by nature, it’s best to move on.

The Princess
Histrionic, narcissistic, and vainglorious, the princess is hungry for your attention and praise. For a season these attributes can be smuggled convincingly under the guise of submission. Before long, however, something begins to feel amiss about her loyalties; she insinuates herself into the limelight of your space too often, re-engineering her servitude as a stage for attention getting and psychodrama. Much like the change agent, the princess eventually shows her hand as the relationship progresses and the boundaries expected for a committed servant become unbearable to accept. Lazy beyond her own interests and unendingly self-obsessed, if it doesn’t feed her penchant for attention in some way, she will slowly subvert your authority and seek it elsewhere in another.

Inverse: The defect of the princess can in fact also be a boon, so long as it’s not so pronounced that it consumes nobler qualities of her personality. The need of attention, approval and validation can seem childlike, and may well have a similar innocence. If not too deeply ingrained, the mild princess tendency can be cleverly redirected as a plus rather than a negative with a paternal-like influence that burns away and rebuilds her self image. Be realistic about this, however. Make certain she has the mettle to trust in your control and allow herself to be truly shaped. Otherwise, her submission will become a pretty facade and one she’ll wear like a fur coat.

The Wounded Fawn
Cursed with some tragic character flaw, the wounded fawn latches on like a parasite to men throughout life. She drifts through relationships, using them up, one by one, always seeking the next savior around the bend. Needy and addiction-prone, she eventually finds herself prostrating before a chosen messiah, a god, the new found cure for all her woes.  Under him, she is safe from the world. Under him, she can shirk her responsibilities in life with impunity. But the foundation upon which she built her servitude is rotten, for it was built not with the love of serving in mind, but largely to insulate her from the world and escape responsibility. The mistake in this premise is obvious: she must now answer to a master, one who will demand performance and obedience from her, who will shake her out of her comfort zones and lazy, self-serving games to now serve him. Hopelessly irreparable and blind to the virtue of real and lasting fulfillment in service, her “slavery” is nothing more than cleverly disguised predation.

Inverse: Sometimes wounds can be beneficial to exploit. Keeping your needy sycophant sealed off from the world and dependent upon you can be an exercise in control and psychological ownership of another human being. Be careful not to become a junk collector: some wounded fawns are simply too toxic and not worth the trouble of keeping around. Find out if there is something under the tarnish that makes the effort of buffing it away worthwhile, for a servant must bring something to the table outside of a warm body, no matter how pretty that body may be.

The White Knight
In legends of old, the white knight was a male figure who rescued a princess or beautiful maiden from harm or distress. Posing as a benevolent paternal figure, the white knight seeks to lend help with a big, bleeding heart, though in the process he ultimately helps you to help himself. Self-deluded into thinking his moralistic opportunism equals or justifies dominance, what he doesn’t see is how transparent he really is. Arbitrary in thought and action for his own self-interest, it won’t be long before you see the predatory opportunist behind his selective heroism. His ability to dominate is hamstrung by his big teddy bear pride and all too easily he finds himself exploited by a clever manipulator who has learned to play the perfect victim.

Inverse: We often have an instinctual suspicion in the unexpected gift of help given by an unexpected giver; why are they doing this and what do they want in return? A new admirer who falls over himself helping you can be endearing in the short-term, but vet his motives and character carefully for the long-term. A man worthy of serving shouldn’t have to exploit your desperation to prove questionable mettle; that mettle should easily be self-evident. If it is, accept his help with open arms.

The Sugarbaby
A sex capitalist at heart, the sugar baby searches for a “sugar daddy,” a man who will protect and provide for her, shielding her from the burdens of responsibility and enriching her material security. Often young and physically attractive, the sugar baby uses her sexual appeal to get what she wants in a flimsy, yet outwardly convincing iteration of submission. She views her sexual submissiveness as essentially a commodity, a bargaining chip by which she can get what she wants in an exchange for services (sexual compliance in return for material favors). This is an old relational archetype between male and female, no less so than “the oldest profession,” finding its way into the world of domination-submission quite easily when seductresses engage easily flattered and self-impressed “alpha males.”

Inverse: Like the wounded fawn, sometimes addicting the sugar baby to the benefits of your security can lead to finding submission within her, but this can only be achieved through the subtlety of using her own opportunism against her. The flaw with this notion is obvious: such a tactic is not aimed at the spirit of actualized submission much at all, and thus, has a shelf life. She may be loyal for a season, but only because she’s getting what she wants materially, or there’s distant hope of it. Rest assured she will be inclined to stray when easier and more fruitful opportunities arise, for in reality she is servant only to herself. For this reason, the sugar baby should be avoided if her avarice and manipulative behavior runs too deep.

The Fantasist
Fantastic scenarios permeate the fantasist’s motives, where stark visions of servitude and fantastic scenery are branded as the ideal. Unfortunately, the slave or master within this fantasy, in all likelihood, does not exist in the real world; if either ever did exist, they would no doubt be inhuman. The fantasist idealizes and objectifies to fastidious excess, and much like the fetishist, often finds him or herself falling in love with particular trappings of “the idea” to the exclusion of the human element—an element which is, inevitably, imperfect and incapable of competing with the flawless muse spun in dreams. Haunted by a need for reality yet unable to accept its limitations, the fantasist is cursed to wander in the half-light between failed real-life relationships and the world of glittering ideal.

Inverse: Dreams and fantasies power—and are powered by—desire. On some level, we’re all dreamers, compelled to turn our visions into flesh. Fantasists have taken the dream to a level of excessive idealism, living in the world of preferred scenery. The realism of that scenery depends solely upon the nature of the dream in question. It’s no secret that compatibility is important in relationships; if the pieces fit, a grand experience may await, but make certain the one you seek to serve or ensnare isn’t rooted only in sensual ideals. Be certain they can handle the flaws and imperfections inherent in life.

The Figurehead
The preference BDSM enthusiasts have toward married or otherwise attached couples “in the lifestyle” is baselessly optimistic, yet it prevails nonetheless, and much to the benefit of those who claim to practice master-slave relationships—no matter what the nature of those relationships may really be. The man who appears to be a master of the household takes in a new girl, and in a gradual turn of household politics, is eventually revealed to be a false king: the new addition to the household or group realizes the “master’s” power is not as absolute as it should be, but exists at the overarching behest of his wife or significant other who masquerades as servant. Dependent upon her affection and approval, the master becomes nothing more than a figurehead to the sexual politics of the harem leader, otherwise known as the “alpha slave.”

Inverse: Not all those who keep households of multiple females (harems) are so manipulated or subverted in their power. While many people find it difficult to navigate the life of a polyamorous household, some are indeed successful in the endeavor without breaking the nature of authority masters have over their obedient females. Approach couples and harems with caution, however; preexisting members of the household are entrenched in their positions and may hold manipulative powers over the supposed master of the home. Vet each situation and the man himself as carefully as you can before making a commitment in flesh and blood. In short, choose a man you cannot manipulate. If you do so, the chance he’ll be manipulated by others will be lessened.