November 14, 2012

One No More

Nina E.

Being one of several female servants

Artwork ©Paul S. Brown

“If love was a choice, who would ever choose such exquisite pain?”

—Lady Tuptim

The curtain opens on a classic scene from a movie. It might be The King and I or something similar. The scene occurs in a lush, luxurious harem where a Western woman is speaking with the Asian first wife of the king. The first wife lives in this harem with dozens of other girls, many of whom are much younger and more beautiful than she. The first wife and mother of the heir to the throne is trying to to explain to the strangely independent Western visitor what her life is like. She wraps her story in a metaphor:

Once upon a time there was a mighty oak tree and nearby grew a tiny sapling. The tiny sapling loved the large oak tree and basked in its attention. It grew taller and stronger, contemplating the mighty oak and taking comfort in its benevolent attention. But, as time passed, many more saplings sprouted between the first little tree and the mighty oak. They, too, grew tall and strong and eventually the first sapling could no longer see her beloved oak. There were too many other trees between her and him. Likewise, the oak no longer saw her, as he was focused on the newer saplings closer to him. The little tree grew increasingly sad and lonely.

This is obviously a Western romantic-love interpretation of what was once a common Eastern and mid-Eastern living situation: a large harem of wives and concubines. Unrealistic as it was, this scene pulled on every monogamous heartstring in the theater because the first wife’s obvious suffering was what we would expect to feel in similar circumstances. Likewise, the thought of being a part of a smaller, modern-day harem often fills a submissive woman’s heart full of dread and sorrow. She will not ever be his one and only, nor even necessarily his favorite girl—other women will get his attention how, when, and where he wishes. There will be times when he will not be available to her, no matter how strongly she feels she needs him. She may wonder how he can possibly care for her and another woman (or more) equally. While this is the lot of many a genuine and devoted female servant—to live a life totally dedicated and faithful to the man she worships but never to experience total fidelity or monogamy back, to always be one of several female interests—the fears described above usually dissolve under the rule of a wise male who has chosen his humbled females wisely, too.

What does being one of several actually feel like for the humbled female? I believe I can answer this question, as I am one of several. To keep the narrative consistent, I will describe this experience in the third person, but feel free to think of the depictions below as my own experiences or very closely related to them.

First and foremost, being one of several means the humbled female must accept the idea that she will not be the only woman in the life of the man she loves. This is a huge hurdle for most women raised in this day and age as we are still brought up with the traditional idea that the man we fall in love with is “ours,” that he “belongs” to us in some fashion and that even if he is our master, we own him every bit as much as he owns us. The typical female ego needs to believe that a man she is involved with is indebted to her, couldn’t bear to live without her, in fact. When she encounters a truly independent man who doesn’t respond to her personal erotic control, she will sometimes be shocked, but more times than not simply disbelieving. “I’ll cure him in time,” she thinks to herself. “He’ll realize sooner or later that he can’t live without me.” This is her ego speaking: this is self-love founded on the soft ground of insecurity but many deluded women call this ultimate selfishness and self-regard, “True Love.” They are, in a sense, right. They have “True Love” all right. But only for themselves.

Such an attitude, obviously, is entirely at odds with the concept of belonging to a man, being his loyal female servant and even property to do with as he wishes, but many a submissive woman tries to fit these two conflicting ideas in her head together and often without much foresight. Somehow, magically, she will belong to the man of her dreams and he will, equally magically, want nobody else but her. Because a lot of men are raised with the concept of monogamy, a humbled female has some possibility of attracting or being attracted to a monogamous man, but such men often aren’t the ones the humbled female is drawn to. She is drawn to a stronger, sterner type—a man who knows his own mind and does as he wishes, a man with balls who will not compromise his basic principles to please a mere woman, no matter how special she is to him, a man who cannot be pussywhipped. She cannot be with such a man and also expect to run things her way. That is a crucial principle of obedience and humility that all humbled females learn, although if the the female is one of several from the beginning, she most likely learns it more quickly.

After overcoming their primary fears and insecurities, the women of a harem-minded man may have to give up certain ideas and expectations about what coexisting with other females under his rule will be like or should be like, even if these ideas are quite positive. The harem situation will be whatever the dominant male wants it to be, not what any of its members imagines or desires it to be. Sometimes other females may live with him and sometimes they might not. He may go to see them or bring them to his house for extended visits. He might want them all separated by distance or keep them all together under one roof. A female may become a close friend or associate of another of his females or she may not. She may be required to bear his children or he may assign that role to another of his girls.

If a dominant man truly controls his females and not the other way around, none of them, no matter what their seniority or their charms, will be able to direct the household organization, set their own status in his house, or determine whether certain girls are accepted into it or not.

She may be encouraged to be beautiful and feminine at all times, even transformed with surgery and other extensive beauty treatments into an ideal love doll or she may be required simply for menial labor. She may be a female he proudly takes out on his arm to parties or events to show off or one, perhaps equally beautiful, that he insists remain secluded and isolated in the home, scrubbing the tub while he is out on the town with one or two of his other girls. There is often a keen wisdom attached to this seeming arbitrariness. The male may recognize that his Cinderella-like tub scrubber has a natural masochistic need to be made the least of his girls, to be denied most of the stimulation and privileges that they are allowed. He may be doing her a great kindness in forcing her to stay at home and clean while they go out and have a good time. Alternatively, he may do it to teach her a finer lesson in humility.

If a dominant man truly controls his females and not the other way around, none of them, no matter what their seniority or their charms, will be able to direct the household organization, set their own status in his house, or determine whether certain girls are accepted into it or not. That’s a lot to not be in control of for the females concerned, but for a female who craves to serve and submit to a stronger will, that lack of control should greatly relieve her mind: it reassures her that his rule is real and strong. For someone who really needs to be directed by a man, being one of several, painful as it may initially seem, is a condition she can learn to adjust to. She must enter the situation, however, with as few expectations as possible. Being one of several does not necessarily mean she is going to have “sisters” or new best friends forever. It doesn’t mean she’ll have a loving replacement family or an opportunity to compete in a cutthroat fashion for “alpha” or “favorite” role. It is not a situation for her to use to play out acceptance or rejection dramas or air other old emotional baggage within. Instead, it is an opportunity to give up far more in her service to her beloved male than her monogamous counterparts ever face. It offers many wonderful opportunities for selflessness, for sacrifice, and for learning to love these things and the special satisfactions they bring.

A humbled female will likely learn in her experience of being one of several that:

1. Being alone and missing him deeply makes her, at the same time, very happy because she’s overjoyed that he’s having a good time with someone else. It’s interesting how a woman subservient to a man’s every whim can experience two very different feelings at the same time, but it is possible. Poets and mystics throughout the ages have described this experience:

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

—Shakespeare, Sonnet 57

This classic and sometimes over-quoted sonnet contains a profound kernel of truth at its core: it is possible for a slave to be happy, overjoyed even, when thinking about her master’s pleasure and pursuits even if they seem to deprive or hurt her, even when she’s feeling lost, alone, longing, even jealous. Her master’s joy and contentment makes her suffering moot in comparison. She still feels the suffering, of course, but on the ladder of her mental and emotional priorities, it take a far lower rung than his own happiness.

2. Seeing someone else get all or most of the attention, sex, opportunities for service, or even beatings (whichever of these she values or desires) is bearable, even quite tolerable and that she can learn to overcome childish emotional responses of unfairness, insecurity, or jealousy over these things. She is with a strong man and secure in the knowledge that she, too, is valued for her unique contributions to his life and that he is not one of those weak-willed fellows pulled around through life by his member and thus likely to abandon her in order to chase a random lust. If she has chosen wisely, the man that the humbled female adores is made of much sterner stuff and she can relax and be deeply content with her own role and place in her Lord’s realm and not constantly covet others’ roles or the attention he gives to them.

3. She can, for the most part, control her female nature and refrain from creating drama even if she feels very bad. Of course, no female is perfect at this but some learn not only to restrain themselves from the worst of womanly behaviors but even to love being the object of apparent emotional cruelty or rejection for the same reason some others love physical cruelty: because it gives him intense pleasure to treat her that way and she loves to please him. Not all females are born for this sort of masochistic role, of course, but if a humbled female has this particular darkness in her, a strong male will likely see it and may draw it out and she will find secret joys in pleasing him in this fashion. She can feel content in her selflessness and the opportunities it provides her to grow and become a more flexible, loving, useful servant to the man she adores.

4. So many opportunities for personal growth and for becoming a better woman exist within a multi-female household, opportunities that a female will never encounter if she has her dominant male all to herself. This is a wonderful thing for those who value becoming less selfish and better able to serve and please their men. But there is one other aspect of being one of several that provides a personal benefit to the humbled female and is connected to self-interest, not selflessness. It is an observable fact that many dominant men, the men that are the most intense, strong, brilliant, charismatic, and attractive, have multiple girls. They have not committed themselves to a single female. If a submissive female wishes to belong to a truly extraordinary man or even to catch his eye, she must be willing to accept that she will not be the only female in his life.

But if she’s never been part of a harem and if she’s been raised to expect monogamy how does the humbled female get used to this new and possibly frightening situation? Each female approaches this problem in her own way and must find her own answers but to offer a bit of hope, there is a core truth that slowly emerges when a female is firmly devoted to serving a wonderful man. While such a woman must discover this truth inside herself and see her own evidence for it in her daily experiences, it doesn’t hurt to anticipate its arrival. Thinking upon this truth will help a woman in this situation in times that are difficult and stressful, such as when first coming into a household with one or more other women already in place serving the man that she also loves or when faced with his acquisition of a new girl. This core truth is that everything that comes from the dominant man that she loves, every experience she has under his rule, is a gift from him. It may hurt or it may not seem like a gift at the time, but a female should never doubt that it is a gift and that it is what she needs to help achieve her personal, cherished desire to grow into a better and more beloved servant of his: more loyal, more loving, more obedient, more competent in the areas he wishes competence from, more content with her lot in life, and more closely attuned to his desires with every passing day.

This inspiring idea may sound great, but is it really true? Is it actually something a humbled female experiences? To answer that question requires one to look closely at the way most people experience their lives. Encounters and experiences of all sorts mold and change the average person in almost random ways. Unlike the coherent, logical stories of growth we tell ourselves about our pasts, such as “I did X which caused Y to happen which in turn led me to anticipated meeting Z,” we are actually the products of far more random and accidental influences. We are flung in unexpected directions across the billiards table of life, never anticipating those twists, turns, and random accidents of fate that cause us to change course and experience profoundly different outcomes than what we had expected. It is only in retrospect, when the experiences are long past, that we take these unplanned-for events and weave them together into a coherent whole.

To put it another way, we’re not near the corner pocket of life because we managed to valiantly or cleverly roll there; we’re there because of the random movements of other pool balls that knocked us near that corner hole. For most people, their true story, if they could but admit it to themselves, might go something like this experience of a friend of mine:

I thought I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up but instead I majored in political science because I found a college professor my course schedule randomly assigned to me so inspiring. I applied to a lot of grad schools but never got accepted by my top three choices so I settled on the sixth one because it was pretty equal to all the remaining offers, would put me in a new part of the country I hadn’t seen before, and happened to be far away from my parents, an influence I was eager to escape. While getting my graduate degree I thought one night that I was working too hard and decided to go out. I went to a party thrown in a frat house and there I met my husband-to-be. He wasn’t my normal type but he charmed me that evening—perhaps because I was drunk—with a gesture and a clever joke, and that was that. Later, I told myself that I always would have picked him for a mate, as we are so very compatible, but is that really so? Would we have noticed each other that night—or any night—if we both hadn’t been a little drunk and thrown together by random accident?

Notice the pattern in the above? The pattern is that there is no pattern. There is no plan. Things just…happened. That is how most lives happen, if the people living them are but willing to admit it to themselves. Whether or not a humbled female perceives the randomness that is the actual life experience of almost everyone, once she meets and falls in love with or nonetheless comes under the control of a dominant male who decides to take her for his own, once she is knocked into the corner pocket of service to him, the billiards-like randomness of her experience is slowly eliminated through the deliberate and willful addition of new experiences that he determines she should have and the elimination of other experiences that he no longer wants her to have. In the hands of a competent and power-conscious male, her environment becomes much more controlled, much more predictable, much more attributable to a prime cause: his will. In what ways her life is controlled depends on what his plans are for her: how he has decided to use her service to him. She may or may not be told what these plans are. Fully knowing what lies ahead in every detail, however, is no longer important for her. What is essential is that she obey him, even if she feels blind or unsure. This is the path of happiness for somebody whose body, mind, and heart is owned by another. It is the path of the true servant.

The environment, the experiences, the sensory inputs, and the sources of mental stimulation for a service-oriented woman devotedly and obediently serving a strong male can be summed up in one ancient phrase: her daily bread. A dominant male provides his females with their daily bread, with those tasks, requirements, information, stimulation, and other features of experience he has decided are best for them and his projected use for them. At times, there may seem to be very little influence coming from him other than a handful of “house rules” and protocols. At other times, it may mean literal control of all of the female’s senses and experiences for extended periods of time. Even during the times and situations where she seems to have a lot of exposure to randomness or outside influences, times when she feels relatively free, a controlled humbled female can see from how those random influences now affect her that her experience is, to more or less of a degree, being filtered, modulated, and controlled by the male that she serves.

When a man controls a female’s experience to that degree, then everything, in truth, comes from him. The humbled female’s daily bread of experience is controlled and shaped by him, and, like actual bread, these experiences, with their consciously controlled additions and omissions, are nutritious gifts from him. They feed her experience and the attitudes he wishes her to bear in his service. Even the things she perceives as bad (being forced to eat a vegetable she despises, getting a severe belting for disobedience) are gifts, because they shape her body, her heart, and her mind in the ways—sometimes understood by her, sometimes not—that he wants for her.

Being one of several can be one of the most challenging experiences a woman faces due to her prior conditioning and expectations about traditional, monogamous relationships and what she feels entitled to in them.

They make her more pleasing to him. And the more pleasing she is to him, the more likely it is she will be permitted to continue to serve him and bask in his glorious company and iron-hard control. Every experience that the man she serves gives the humbled female is a gift, a most precious gift.

One such gift, obviously, is learning to accept and live with the fact that she is not the only female in his life. Once she really feels this idea in the marrow of her bones then everything becomes so much easier for a humbled female. Being one of several can be one of the most challenging experiences a woman faces due to her prior conditioning and expectations about traditional, monogamous relationships and what she feels entitled to in them. These are ideas that nearly all females absorb from their parents or others around them as they are growing up. It’s hard to counteract these old, poisonous, useless ideas, to not let them color her experiences and cast certain realities (like the fact that he has other girls) in a most negative light.

A good way for a submissive woman to counter all of that old mental and emotional chatter is with a very clear understanding of what she ultimately needs and an idea of what it is she must experience to get there. At core, she needs him, the man that she loves and wishes to obey, obviously. She needs him in her life. Well, right there, this helps put those other things in their proper perspective in relation to her highest aim. These other things, like the presence of other females, become far less important compared to her ultimate goal and some may even become useful tools that help her to become the good, loving, serving female she really wishes to be. A few strong, positive truths can help a loving woman keep on course, keep working toward realizing her true nature. When she is aware that everything that comes from the special man in her life is a gift, then she is utilizing a powerful insight, an insight that will help her to turn away from her own selfish desires and turn toward that amazing beacon of light and hope that is the male who owns her…and bask in his marvelous, masculine warmth.

Yes, being one of several can be hard, perhaps even for a woman like the first wife of the king who is used to the idea of being one of several. But even harder is living without him, no? So why not make the very best of the situation: use it, as you can use any difficult life experience: to learn, to grow, to become a more ideal servant to a very deserving man. Love may very well be “exquisite pain,” but despite that, isn’t the grandeur of this experience the very thing that makes a woman’s life worth living?

  1. jennytoy says:

    Amazing article. This is a topic that I often think about, and have romanticised since I was very young. This really helped open my eyes to the realities of the situation of “being one of several”. Both the amazing benefits it could have in making me a better girl and servant, as well as the profound challenges that are needed to be faced. In a larger sense this article, like most on this site, helped continue to honestly show the truth of being a servant/the property of a man. The ideas of being “transformed with surgery and other extensive beauty treatments into an ideal love doll or she may be required simply for menial labor” are both frightening and exciting to me. My mind is still in a “breaking” period, every day I strive to give up the notions of equality and fairness that i’ve been indoctrinated with, and replace them with obedience and acceptance to the rules of a man, whatever he may wish.

  2. Julia says:

    Great article, as usual. And one that has been relevant to my life. :0)

  3. tuesday says:

    Beautifully written article, and one that gave me another perspective on this issue. It is something I struggle with.

  4. serveswithgrace says:

    This is a wonderful piece. Thank you so much for sharing. I struggle with this issue often, as Master owns another, and I have to center myself a lot in order to get past the emotions that can arise. When I am able to keep HIM as my focus, things go well. When my mind wanders, I can get into the trouble zone. lol We do not live together, so when my mind does wander, he is not always at hand to snap me back into shape and it didn’t take me long in the past to get into a tizzy. Now, I’m mellowing a bit and tizzies are fewer and farther between. It truly is the deepest reminder of my slavery to him.

  5. Undinexx says:

    I loved reading your post thank you.
    I too have to share my Master with others and of course it is not always easy.
    All I know is that I love him with my Mind Body and Soul, I have never known a Man who has helped me grow like he has over the last two and a half years.
    Of course I am 100% submissive to Him, it comes very naturally, yet in other areas of my life especially the workplace he has helped me to be more assertive and decisive, stronger, even Dominant!
    For this gift I shall be eternally grateful and He knows that.
    As for sharing you are right, if we have chosen wisely as you said then the Man we choose is considerate, intelligent, imaginative,strong, infectious, charismatic, the list goes on. Why should these wonderful qualities not be made best use of and shared?
    When I do get to see my Master he makes me feel like I am the only person in the world. Our time together is always just the two of us and is intense and wonderful. We have lots of similar interests and likes and can communicate on many many levels and enjoy ourselves. Sometimes sexual sometimes not, that makes it more special to me. And you are right He values all of this and will not go off on a whim with another and forget about me. He once told me I had the potential to become something precious in his life, and he looked after and cared for precious things. He developed this potential in me and I have never been happier, or felt more loved. I adore belonging to Him.

    Sharing thoughts makes us stronger and as I said to my Master only last night under the Full Moon it takes huge strength to be a submissive. We should of course be humble, respectful and always happy to serve and delight ,however I think we should be proud of who and what we are too, after all I believe we understand ourselves better than most women..

    Undinexx

  6. lana says:

    @ the OP
    Suffice to say I totally disagree with everything you said here. I wouldnt want to be either the menial wife or the barbie doll wife with the plastic surgery. And there is no woman, however nice, that I like so much Id want to sleep in the same bed with. Some things are past my limits. No amount of rationalization will change my feelings about it . I love my man and love to serve him; and I obey him even when its not easy, but there’s a limit to everything .
    respectfully
    lana

  7. maliya says:

    If slavery means giving up control, accepting and trusting Master’s decision I do not see how the slave can expect to be the only slave if Master decides otherwise. Just as she cannot decide what Master wants to eat, how he wishes to spend his time, who he socializes with, she cannot decide whether or not Master will keep just one or more slaves. In fact, having served in a household as the 4th and youngest slave at the time it was probably that precise aspect of serving with 3 other women that made it most clear to me that I was not a girlfriend but a slave. In some ways, it made it easier to accept being a slave, I had three beautiful, accomplished role models and seeing their obedience to Master and kindness to each other and me just made it natural for me to try to emulate them. Had I been the only one I think it would have been much more likely for me to slip into girlfriend mode and rebel against my slave status. So I will always be grateful to my slave sisters for learning early on that crucial lesson in submission.

  8. JeIvan says:

    When women are “one of several,” it will never be without it’s difficulties. The attention of the man will always be divided, and they know that they must compete for their man’s favor. With that said, as a man, I always see to it my women get along, which can involve some degree of discipline, but their unity can only bring good things for our big family.

  9. onlyme says:

    @maliya
    Even though I have vastly different life experience from you, everything you say makes absolute sense.

  10. GaelRose says:

    Great article. I know in my heart (and my master has told me) that I am his favorite woman, but I also know that I am not his only one. I believe that this is part of my complete submission to him – that he may satisfy all of his needs that other women may tend to much better.

  11. Williamsdesiree says:

    a beautifully written article, and one that this girl will read again as this girl knows she would struggle with this greatly if Master were to introduce another into O/our relationship. It was wonderful to read another’s perspective on this though being in a relationship where one is part of several, food for thought for this girl….smiles

  12. MasterWilliam66 says:

    Great article. Very incisive. My slave knows that I would like to eventually add to my “harem”. she also knows that I am willing to wait until she is ready to accept it. We are both still learning a lot about this life we live, and are in no hurry to get there. We will get there in the right way and not rush for the sake of doing it… I think this article will help her greatly.

  13. shifra says:

    “[…] The thought of being a part of a smaller, modern-day harem often fills a submissive woman’s heart full of dread and sorrow. She will not ever be his one and only, nor even necessarily his favorite girl—other women will get his attention how, when, and where he wishes. There will be times when he will not be available to her, no matter how strongly she feels she needs him.”

    “The humbled female must accept the idea that she will not be the only woman in the life of the man she loves.”

    “One such gift, obviously, is learning to accept and live with the fact that she is not the only female in his life. Once she really feels this idea in the marrow of her bones then everything becomes so much easier for a humbled female.”

    “After overcoming their primary fears and insecurities, the women of a harem-minded man may have to give up certain ideas and expectations about what coexisting with other females under his rule will be like or should be like, even if these ideas are quite positive. The harem situation will be whatever the dominant male wants it to be, not what any of its members imagines or desires it to be. Sometimes other females may live with him and sometimes they might not. He may go to see them or bring them to his house for extended visits. […] Being one of several does not necessarily mean she is going to have “sisters” or new best friends forever. It doesn’t mean she’ll have a loving replacement family […]”

    “Some learn […] to love being the object of apparent emotional cruelty or rejection […] because it gives him intense pleasure to treat her that way.”

    Excellent reminders for any sub. Learning to accept a husband’s/owner’s choice to have other women is all about acceptance, giving up control, and realizing you do not dictate his life.

  14. firstwalker says:

    This was really helpful. Although, since my master keeps us at different place, i do not face much problem. But whenever we meet, i am accepted to show her respect, as she is elder, and his wife.

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