“She who knows herself, knows her Lord.”
A few years ago, I was looking for a new master. I’d recovered enough from the loss of my first master that I felt ready to move on with my life. Like many women in my position, I chose to look for someone online, because that opened my search up to a much broader spectrum of people. I’d been “off the slave block” for a very long time, but I remembered how I and my former master used to help others look for capable men and thought this know-how would serve me well. That was my first mistake.
I met a man on a kink personals site who was charming and stimulating and seemed to want a real-life slave, but he quickly shunted me into a very limited routine of online chats which, while supportive and quite enjoyable, lacked something. He did not speak much about direction, plans, or visions. But he called me his slave girl and he was so warm and friendly, and I was so starved for attention after many cold years alone that I decided this was just another “style” of mastery. Mistake number two.
He limited our communications to chat windows and texting in online games or virtual worlds. Over the two years I was to know him, I only heard his voice three or four times. I’d often long for some “meaty” answers to the extensive emails I wrote him, but none were forthcoming, although he would promise to answer. Again I attributed this to his “style,” which was light and humorous. But the result was that I never knew how he really felt or thought about anything important. Finally, he made plans to meet me on numerous occasions but each time that moment drew close, he had some very reasonable excuse for not doing so. I chose to believe he was either “testing” me or his luck was phenomenally bad. How many mistakes are we at now?
After two years, I was at my wits’ end, and expressed my frustration to him frankly. He was angry and offended that I did not trust him. Even then, I was willing to keep going with him. But I decided to ask three other friends I trusted what they thought.
But self-deception is a slippery beast: it can easily slide into our assumptions without our noticing it. Therefore, knowing the nature and quality of one’s own ability to self-deceive is extremely important to women who desire to be obedient, loving servants of their men.
Self-deception is very tricky largely because nobody wants to believe they are capable of it. It’s not a trait that one can ever fully declare “dead,” however. It arises from the darkness of your unconscious, like a vampire, to suck at your honest spirit when you least expect it. But unlike a vampire, self-deception doesn’t announce its presence with a bite on the neck; it’s a problem made even more serious because it’s so hard to accurately observe and identify when under its spell. Let’s face it, no woman desiring to please a man or trying to find a man to please likes to think of herself as intentionally deceptive or as not knowing her own mind. But self-deception is a slippery beast: it can easily slide into our assumptions without our noticing it. Therefore, knowing the nature and quality of one’s own ability to self-deceive is extremely important to women who desire to be obedient, loving servants of their men. Being honest and providing accurate information is so important in these relationships, but someone confused about what she really wants or what she is actually doing may provide inaccurate feedback to her male, and his plans for her will suffer as a result. This may, in turn, prevent the already surrendered woman from transforming herself, with her male’s help, into a better servant and helpmate. As my own story clearly demonstrates, self-deception can also prevent an unpartnered woman from finding the special sort of man that she needs.
A woman who is convinced she knows herself fully and is completely honest to others about her nature when this is not actually the case will frequently seek out a man willing to agree with her faulty self-assessment. The dominant male/submissive female couples that result are often nothing but mutual admiration societies in which the tacit rule is “I will accept everything that you say about yourself if you accept everything that I say about myself.” No growth, no progression, no change is possible in such relationships, although they may be filled with a certain sort of happiness and contentment. It feels quite good, after all, not to be questioned or challenged in disturbing ways.
But what feels good isn’t always what’s best for us. Aligning only with the pleasant lies we sell ourselves doesn’t allow us room to evolve. There’s another word for this condition: stagnation. Think of a small pond of completely still water that is never refreshed from a spring or river. Plants start to decay within it, microbes flourish, a scum grows over the surface that prevents oxygen from mixing with the water. The stagnant mental and emotional ponds that certain couples embody are sometimes the consequence of extreme self-deception working in both parties. They’ve mutually decided that, together, they know it all. If you live in the happy land of “Know It All,” you don’t have to worry about growing, changing, challenging your assumptions, and other potentially uncomfortable activities. That is its immense appeal, and the majority of people cannot resist that appeal. But a deeply submissive woman who desires or is with a demanding male must resist becoming a smug and staid Know-It-All, because her lord and master will be constantly insisting she change and grow for him.
Thus, she is, due to the nature of her self-deception, vulnerable to being drawn toward another type of man, the type who, while putting on a good act of independent dominance, is willing to approach her first and pay her homage by indirectly stroking her ego like some people pet a pussycat.
Because self-deception is so prevalent in us all and so difficult to spot from within, I’ve provided a few realistic examples of it in action below, in the hopes that reading about the ways others deceive themselves will aid recognition of it in one’s own self. These are common situations that affect women who want to fully serve or who are already serving a man.
Some women believe they deserve the best of dominant men, the crème de la crème, simply because they feel submissive and that means, in their Holy Bible of Self Worth, that their submissiveness, simply because they are feeling it, is far better than anybody else’s submissiveness. A woman may not say this directly to herself, but she knows in her heart that she is the very best: That there has never been another submissive woman like herself and never will be again. If a male who catches her eye doesn’t pay her the level of attention she feels is her due, if he doesn’t come to her and court her after she coyly and nonchalantly makes sure he is aware of her presence, then she acts like the fox in the fable who made himself feel better by claiming, falsely, that the grapes he couldn’t reach by his own efforts were “undoubtedly sour.” This sort of female decides that dominant men who do not worship at her personal altar are not worth having, despite the fact that such a man is probably the only one free and independent enough to actually tame her.
Thus, she is, due to the nature of her self-deception, vulnerable to being drawn toward another type of man, the type who, while putting on a good act of independent dominance, is willing to approach her first and pay her homage by indirectly stroking her ego like some people pet a pussycat. It’s hard for a woman with a top-heavy self-opinion to resist that treatment. No matter how much modesty and humility she gives lip service to, inside she believes that a “perfect” dominant man will, first and foremost, recognize her own incredible excellence in submission. If a man comes along who is willing to bow to her egotistical rule that the male must always show the first signs of interest (although, ideally, cleverly hidden behind a dominant veneer) then Boom! It’s love at first sight, because she did not have to lose face (or faith in her religion of Self) by approaching him first, with trembling humility. The relationship has been founded on her ego’s demands, not on her ability to bend and humble herself before a man’s will. These are also the rocks upon which it will flounder…sooner or later.
This woman is in a predicament of her own making and she can’t really do much about such a situation except live through it since she is presently committed to a path of denial. But she’ll likely be so busy being a smug and complacent half of the perfect master-slave couple that she won’t mind doing so, at least for many years. Time and fate, however, may throw some hard curve balls her way and harsh events have a way of opening one’s eyes to the reality of one’s situation. Later in life, she may find herself starting at square one again: looking for a new master. Maybe, after going through a personal hell or two, she’ll be lucky enough to realize that there is some merit in begging for attention from the type of man that she really needs rather than assuming that he must come begging to her first. Therein lies her sole hope, if she is sincere about her submission.
Some submissive women are naturally self-effacing and observe themselves with some degree of honesty due to this trait. Unlike Miss “Entitled-To-The-Best,” there is no question in such a woman’s mind that she has defects, some of them quite pernicious, and she tries to improve them. It’s quite possible she is already in a relationship with a man capable and knowing enough to help her with this improvement. This is all very good; in fact, it’s a great base from which to work on oneself.
But even in optimal situations such as this, things can go wrong. Sometimes there are hidden secrets in such women’s souls, tender areas that they hide from themselves and thus from their masters. When an observant man points out one of these areas, the woman may find herself rejecting his observation violently in her mind. She may diffidently say, “Yes, Sir” to his observations, but inwardly she is seething in rebellion and rejecting the thought: “No! That’s not how I am at all! My faults are this and this, not THAT! He just doesn’t ‘get me’!” Or even worse, paranoid suspicion might set in: “Since I know this can’t possibly be true about me, I can only conclude that he is saying this to intentionally hurt me, even destroy me.”
When these sorts of thoughts occur, the submissive woman is experiencing pride. While it’s not full-blown pride but rather a little hidden island of pride connected to an area of her personality she was unaware of or repressing, it still has some very bad effects. She has, for instance, temporarily decided that her privileged position inside her own mind makes her far a better observer of her own flaws than somebody outside it, even if that somebody is her master. (Actually, those outside ourselves are almost always in a better position to see our issues more clearly than we are, ourselves.) The false belief that one is the sole expert on oneself seems rational and logical, but at heart it is close-minded, protective of the ego, and deeply disrespectful to one’s master.
What someone in this situation needs to realize is how very hard it is for her to see herself clearly from her highly subjective and biased perspective at the “center of the storm.” She needs to remember that her master is also her teacher and will guide her truly in this matter. He can be trusted when she cannot—due to a very tricky ego—trust herself. This is such a wonderful thing to be able to reply upon! And if the man in her life is consistently accurate in his assessments of her, then what he says is likely to be the truth, even if she doesn’t like it. When a woman detects a strong level of inner resistance to her master’s observations, this is a clear sign that she needs to wholly embrace what he is saying in order to avoid the trap of pride.
Resistance to Change
It is easy for people to get settled into habits or certain ways of doing things. These ways feel familiar and pleasant, everything runs smoothly, they know what to do and when to do it. But a woman who completely submits to her man, particularly one who has vowed to do “anything” for him, must prepare herself for times when routine is shattered and she is required do things she has never done before. When a submissive woman is faced with change it can fill her with insecurity or fear of failing. Even the most obedient may resist change, perhaps not overtly, but by putting off the execution of the new practice and continuing to engage in the old behavior. A submissive woman serving a weak or confused male can sometimes string him along for weeks or months with a subtle form of procrastination. If the man is self-aware and alert, however, he may give her a short period to time in which to adjust, but eventually he will put his foot down and say, “Do it NOW.” It’s at this point that a more subtle form of self-deception can occur: the temptation to create some drama around the change, just to avoid doing it, may be irresistible.
Where is the self-deception in this situation? It is around the most essential facts of the relationship, actually. The slave has forgotten in her state of distress (or whatever form her drama takes) that her master is her lord and ruler and that his will must be obeyed completely, without hesitation or angst-filled “I just can’t bear to do this!” moments. She can bear it because she must, because it is required of her by the man she both deeply worships and trusts with her soul. She may say to herself, “But I do so very much for him! Surely he could bend just a little in light of my overall service!” This is what a woman in a relationship of equals would think. She would feel she “deserved” some slack in an area that was distressing to her because she had “earned” such consideration.
Since slaves don’t earn a paycheck for their servitude, what she should actually be thinking in this situation is the converse: “He does so very much for me, he has brought me along so very far, made me such a better person. And yet, I want to refuse him this one small thing, to the point where I consciously choose to mistrust him rather than submit to his will. How much more ungrateful can I get?” She should consider how much she owes him, particularly in light of his mercy toward her and how he deserves her best service and compliance in all things, including this.
It’s mind-bogglingly easy for those of us who engage in online socializing to feel superior to others. The larger an online space is and the more people it draws, the more one will see others whose ideas, when compared to one’s own level of knowledge or experience, seem sorely lacking. Additionally, the bigger a kinky online social site, the more likely a woman is to draw random interest from men. It’s easy for the submissive woman, lost in the giddy online high generated by all this attention, to forget that in regular life far fewer men, if any, approach her. In scoffing at the “stupid idiots” who post online it’s also easy to forget that, in ordinary life, the people around her include a great many who are a lot smarter than herself. But online, it’s another world, full of seemingly stupid people she can feel superior to and hundreds of misguided men willing to bend over backward for her if she so much as posts a picture of herself. It’s hard for any woman not to get a swelled head from this. But for a woman who deeply desires to serve a strong man, resisting this effect is an absolute necessity.
When a submissive woman buys into the myth of her own “superiority” based on these online observations, she becomes strongly invested in self-deception. In order to feel superior to others she must forget, even if only temporarily, what she really is, which is usually an ordinary person perhaps working in an ordinary job or pursuing a satisfying but very standard course of study. She works with or attends classes with others far brighter and more beautiful than herself. But online, it’s so different! There, she is a Star, a Very Important Person. “Big and Important” disease can easily and quickly progress to a lethal stage: An Extremely Arrogant Know-It-All Shrew Who, Despite Claiming She is Submissive, Knows She Is Here To Inform All Dominant Men Of The Error Of Their Ways. And once she is at that stage of corrupt blotation, she is perfectly self-sabotaged, because her cynicism, her desire to score points off of others so she can feel superior in comparison, and her belief in her own greatness will blind her to reality.
The one man who is worth serving, a very strong dominant male, is not only invaluable to her, but also extremely rare and she may never have any significant contact with him at all if she cannot rid herself of the proud delusion that a potential master must come begging to her, like all the others do.
This whole frame of mind, the “I am superior to all of you pathetic morons” stance, is deadly for a submissive female to adopt, particularly one who wants to improve herself and attract a stronger or higher quality man. A woman will never attract a high-quality man with this sort of attitude although she may very well convince herself that she has. To remedy this deplorable condition in herself, a submissive woman can, first of all, remind herself of who she actually is in real life and how unimportant she actually is in the greater scheme of things. Secondly, she can remember her sincere craving to be more humble, obsequious, and self-effacing in order to someday be worthy of serving a great man. She can observe how her current despicable behavior is making these honorable aims impossible to hold honestly. Sometimes, realizing these things and then adopting and sincerely displaying more appropriate attitudes can be enough to cause a dominant man to give her a chance to prove herself, particularly if she begs him sincerely for that chance.
But asking for that chance may seem the hardest thing in the world for a Superstar bloated fat on Internet attention to do. Why should she have to ask for attention from a mere male, when there are hundreds beating down her door, like sperm around the egg, trying to be the first to get in? The reason is simple: those hundreds of men are totally worthless to her. The one man who is worth serving, a very strong dominant male, is not only invaluable to her, but also extremely rare and she may never have any significant contact with him at all if she cannot rid herself of the proud delusion that a potential master must come begging to her, like all the others do. In reality, a man worth serving will avoid a proud, puffed-up, pecking peacock such as her like the plague. He finds absolutely nothing appealing in such a woman.
If her ego can entertain this idea (that someone out there may actually be assiduously avoiding the great and wonderful Her because he finds her so abhorrent), perhaps she can take the first step along the road that leads to a humble, genuine, and valuable servant who is worth owning. She cannot have both (her immense online ego fed and the attention of a man who is worth obeying) because such a man won’t be able to stand her in her present, ugly state. She will need to clean up her personality first, and often that means cutting off the source of her ego addiction and retiring from those online habitats that feed her inflated self-worth so voraciously. A quick and easy way to do this is to completely abandon or destroy her current online identity and start, more humbly, from scratch, with an unknown user name or avatar, which nobody, not even former friends, knows is actually her.